I reread this from a course I took that the county mandated all people going through a divorce take. The note I made in my notebook was startling when I heard it and so I captured it on paper.
I reread it this weekend - about 6 months after I wrote it down. It says a lot. I am afraid it says a lot about me. It does not reference alcoholism, but it is, I believe, germane.
Here is the sentence I captured;
"The pathologically tolerant person looks for a controller who has an addiction."
Interesting and revealing. I am hoping that I am not looking for a controller anymore. I notice I am tolerant, but I am not sure where the tolerance boundary lies. Does it lie in accepting to go out to eat anywhere - because I really don't care what I eat? Does it mean I put up with people being late? Or people not expressing their love for me? How far does tolerance go?
There is one more sentence - a bullet point I captured right below this sentence. I didn't see it this weekend. Here it is;
"The controller has no clue how he affects others. He is narcissistic."
Monday, January 12, 2009
A Note I Made To Myself
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12 comments:
Wow...very well said.
I'm definitely a Codie (but I'm in Recovery).
Thank you for sharing this.
Amen to that. Narcissism is a trait of alcoholics. I don't know what being pathologically tolerant means. I accepted a lot of unacceptable behavior in my life. Maybe I qualify.
Increadible how right on target that is!
Hmmm...pathologically tolerant. Could this be me? I tend to be tolerant of a lot, but I do put my foot down when I have "had enough". Maybe I need to learn to put my foot down BEFORE I've "had enough". I don't know that I looked for a controller, rather someone who was capable of sharing the control with me. Interesting post.
Suzanne
That is so unbelievably accurate. And brilliant. And scary. I need to work on that.
Thanks for sharing!
I am very glad I found your blog. I am new to Al-Anon and have already found some helpful things here on your blog. Thanks.
What you wrote here I totally resonated with. Thank you.
A woman in my town who attends Al-Anon meetings where I go once shared something from her AA meeting (she attends both). 'Love and tolerance is our code.' I believe the alcoholics need to work more on 'tolerance' than do those attending Al-Anon. I agree with the quote that the alcoholic (or narcissist) has no clue how he/she affects others.
Thanks again for bringing this to my awareness.
My God, Suzanne, did you read my mind?
Cyprus Sue
Cyprus Sue,
I wish I was a mind reader. A bit of background...I am a woman who has seen that women who are TOO assertive come across as abrasive or bitchy. So I have learned to tolerate a certain percentage of baloney instead of calling people out on it each and every time. I "choose my battles". It is a fine line to walk to be assertive but not abrasive. It requires some very advanced verbal skills, some of which of which I have and some of which I don't.
I have a tendency to just blurt things out that are brutally honest but not always the most tactfully worded! I just tell it like it is. So sometimes because I can't quickly think of a tactful way of phrasing something, and I don't want to hurt someone's feelings, rather than blurt I say nothing. (Lest you think I am a total boor, I do regularly say please and thank you.)
These are my weaknesses, caring too much what others think of me and needing a better vocabulary for constructive criticism. I am working on these every day.
When I was single I was looking for a man who was my equal and who was also looking for an equal, hence the sharing the control comment. Any similarity to you?
Suzanne
Wow, SNAP. Not only looking for a controller (as if that wasn't dysfunctional enough), but looking for an addict. How dismally, hilariously dead-on. Thank you for sharing this, J.
This made me cry. Been a very difficult week. Mum was a heavy drinker when I was a teenager - horrible, horrible time. I realised I fell for men with problems - avoided men for years due to the pain. Now I am in love and in pain again. Those two sentences bsolutely describes how it is. He has fun and does not care if he hurts his friends (a long-standing friend of his recently fell out with him over some horrible insult). I would do anything he'd ask, if only he'd ask me. He's been sober for 12 years, no longer in AA. I thought we were friends but he has been so unkind, playing with my feelings. Been crying for a week. Now I understand, though it breaks my heart. But the explanation fits perfectly and in a way makes me feel better. I can't believe I'm doing this again. But it's not because I'm ugly or stupid. It's just this awful disease trapping me again.
Thank you. Such a relief.
Even though I don't drink, I identify more with the controller in these quotes. I've never suffered from the alcoholic symptom of addiction to alcohol, but perhaps that means I have other addictions....things to think about...maybe escapism? Great quote, thank-you
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