Sunday, December 21, 2008

Being Provoked and Responding

I forgot about this word - "provoked."

It's so much easier to be out of the house of a raging alcoholic. I forgot how the alcoholic provokes and picks - until you cannot take it any more and you respond in retaliation.

While I am out of the house now, I am still being provoked, but no where the same amount and no where the same intensity. Some how, I still respond. Why the hell do I do this?

I am tired of the fighting - I want some peace. My soon to be ex-wife is accusing me of sleeping with my attorney's paralegal. Yes, she is nice looking. No, I am not sleeping with her.

Some how, the alcoholic - my soon to be ex - is so convincing, that I have to ask myself if I am sleeping with her.

Yes I do hang up now when I hear this bashing of how I am cheating. But not always. I defend by saying "I am not." When I defend, I am as good as dead.

I need to relax and detach. I need to chill tonight and this week. And why in the world do I have this compulsion to defend????


Anonymous said...

Oh yes, provoked, I know this one. In my experience, it's usually because the provoker is doing what they are accusing you, who's she sleeping with!?

My question to you, Joe - Why is my stomach beginning to knot with Christmas anticipation? "'Tis the season to be jolly", trouble is, HOW jolly? Will our sons, who've come to stay, be embarrassed? Will I be embarrassed? Why can't I stop ruining my own holiday time with this dread? STUPID me.

Ho hum - seasons greetings to you all! Sue

Miss Jan said...

Thank-you for your open and honest post. The destructive component involved in marraige to a person who drinks too much is the confusion they bring along with the duality of personality.

I also find myself defending myself when it is not about me at all. In fact, I find myself defending a position that I had nothing to do with at all. It was all about my husband's passive aggressiveness and hatred. I have been the scapegoat for way too long. I'm finally reaching out for help. I will be attending Alanon meetings never giving God a quiet moment hearing my prayers.

I know with greater self-love and care this abuse will be a thing of the past. For today, I will detach and pick up my beautiful siamese cat's ashes, and reflect on the loving times we had despite my husband's harsh words regarding my grieving process.

Syd said...

I think that it's because there is an urge to not accept unacceptable behavior. But the alcoholic wants an argument. It is an outlet for the rage. If I diffuse the anger by not answering or by saying I'm not going to talk about this topic, then I'm not fanning the flames. Just my opinion.

Cat said...

I often found that my alcoholic would would start an argument in order to justify his own bad behavior...

its getting easier for me to see it and to understand it and to back away from the fire before it hits me!

Have a great Holiday!


Anonymous said...

Why do they provoke? All alcoholics are miserable about something or everything in their lives. And "Misery loves company". They look at the world through a foggy lens that only allows the negative to be seen. This is the root of their illness. Even if the physical dependence on alcohol is eliminated in the short term, their intense negative perception of reality will drive them back to drinking unless they get a new lens to see through.

The active alcoholic can not stand to see anyone else happy about anything and will do everything in their power to create a cloud of misery around them. Misery truly does love company.

My own experience has so far taught me that talking to an active alcoholic is like talking to a crazy person. You can not expect reasonable behavior from a crazy person. It is an unrealistic expectation. Only instead of like a crazy person (excuse me if this is an un-PC term) spewing out something about how aliens are sending radio signals through their silver fillings, the alcoholic turns everything into an arguement.

I knew my life was getting really screwed up when I started to wonder if MY lens was dirty and wonder if I was seeing life as it really was. Living with active alcoholism makes us doubt our own sanity. That is when I learned about detaching.

At first I just detached. I just shut down. I did everything by myself (including parenting). Bare minimum interaction and almost zero conversation. Because every conversation turned into an arguement. That was hard enough. I detached so much, I began to wonder if I still even loved him. But he got sober. Now I am working on being detached, but with love. This is also taking time to learn.

Don't be so hard on yourself Joe. Just remember right now at this present moment in time your ex is in active alcoholism and having arguments is her hobby. Arguing with a crazy person makes no sense. You can never win.

Because you KNOW it takes sixteen whistlepigs to make a rainbow and pancakes don't have bones! (see what I mean)