Saturday, December 6, 2008

Friday's Lesson (For Me)

I had a tough event the other day. We had a divorce event - the deposition of my wife.

It was - in a word - horrible. The grilling that came about from the lying, made the event much longer.

I had a headache during and after the event, because I am an Al-Anoner. I felt for her. I empathized. I wanted to "rescue" her. Just tell the truth and this wouldn't take so long.

The next day I was called an SOB by the wife.

I wanted to reach out talk to her, tell her I was sorry. I wanted to scold my lawyer. I wanted to get everyone happy again. Sounds ridiculous of course.

Fortunately my sponsor answered my call. He was shopping at the grocery store (he is a stay at home dad). It was about 9AM. He was somewhere in the cereal aisle.

I told him about my wanting to fix. I was "jumping around in the squirrel cage," he said. Beautiful observation.

He also said, "This is a disease of arguments." Also beautiful. It sure is.

He also said, "I heard the other night, "I bought this frame, now if I could only get this picture to fit." Hmmm. Interesting. Yep. I have this filter or lens of how I see the world and I want the world to fit my point of view.

He said, "Joe, write out on paper everything you feel in unmanageable. Everything from your attorney's fees, your wife's feelings, your wife's calling you an SOB, to your daughter's saying she hates you, and everything else. And you can put it in your God box or shred it or whatever. Just write it down and get it out of your head."

Simple instruction. Simple action. There was resistance from my ego which said, "Don't write it down or else I will have nothing else to obsess about." Yep. I wrote it down. It was virtually gone from my mind. And I was able to clear the wanting to call everyone and "make it right."

Today I am grateful. I have a program. I have a sponsor. I am very lucky.


Syd said...

Joe, I think that you have a great sponsor. Those comments are worth remembering. All you can do is be honest in your answers during the divorce deposition. I am sure that this is horrible. And attorneys, once in the game, go for the kill. Hang in there buddy.

Anonymous said...

Keep it up! What a great sponsor you have. I am going to try and remember to do that list whenever I start to flail or panic.

Anonymous said...

"I bought this frame, now only if I could get this picture to fit."

Great comment. I myself recall being in couples counselling during a very dark time in the marriage and saying almost that very same thing, "My life would be just fine if everyone in it would just f***ing do what they are supposed to be doing!"

Connecting with alanon and your blog has helped me understand that just because I have expectations of how I think people should behave, it does not mean they have a clue about or a care to behave in that way.

*sigh* but it is so hard to detach and let it go when you know your way really is the right way. ; )


The truth shall set you free, but it may take awhile.

Cat said...

Joe your sponser sounds amazing and I am happy he answered his phone for you.