One of the greatest things I have learned in the program is that I identify with the outcome I want and desire.
Seeing the Outcome In My Mind
I find that if I visualize an outcome, I place my self-esteem and self-worth in that specific thing I am trying to produce. When it doesn't come about, or people are not "acting" in the manner I desire, I feel bad. In the past, I would try harder to convince them that my way was right.
Today I am much better - or so I believe. I think that today, some things really, truly, don't matter. They don't. And other times, I may get 50% of what I was expecting, but now I see that the other part I "didn't get," - well - it is probably better that it ended up differently.
Today I go into the office. I have new pressures and problems. I have a million issues to tackle. Some I am avoiding. When I don't accomplish all of them I am not beating myself up or feeling guilty.
I Am What I Am
I am slowly learning that I am what I am (the old Popeye song). I am not other things. I am not other people's opinions and expectations. I am not what others perceive what God wants for me. I am not the newspapers' version of reality. I am not my clothes, my car, rented house, I am not my daughter's opinion of me, or my attorney's opinion of me, or my soon to be ex-spouse's opinion, and sometimes - no - almost mostly - I am not my own opinion of me.
Experiencing This Mystery Called Life
I just am. I am a being - placed on this little hairball orbiting the sun - and I really - if there is a "should" - I should be grateful I am here on it and grateful to experience the ups and downs of this mystery called life. It truly is a mystery - this life thing. How wonderful to have experienced it and be experiencing it - close up and personal.
When I stop identifying with the outcome, I start to remove a mask, and just be. Just be - be experiencing this thing called life.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Identification With The Outcome
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3 comments:
Perfect topic for today. I chaired a meeting this week for the first time. The topic was Prayer and Meditation. Not identifying with the outcome -- and not dictating what it should be to my HP (another fave of mine) -- can be so freeing. I can almost feel the weight lift off my shoulders.
I used to wear a lot of masks. I don't want to do that again. I think just being who I am is good enough today.
Joe,
In the beginning of my journey with alanon, I had a lot of difficulty with "Letting Go". I thought "Letting Go" meant letting fate have its way with me, that I had to let go of the ropes on my sails and let the wind blow me where it would.
But that is not really what it means. "Letting Go" means eliminating my emotional attachment to the outcome of a situation.
It does not mean that I should no longer continue to set goals for myself.
I should keep the focus on me and try to improve myself by setting goals for MYSELF. What I need to "let go" of is my idea that everyone ELSE should always be trying to improve themselves too. And I shouldn't judge them harshly if they choose not to live as I do.
It means we each captain our own ship and we may travel in different directions and that is okay.
The idea of living in the present moment has helped me figure this out. Enjoying each moment now as it occurs with out the expectation that the outcome will always turn out exactly the way I think it should. All I can do in this life is perform actions to the best of my ability, and lead by example. Others may follow or not.
By "Letting Go" of my assumption that the outcome of a situation will be what I desire, I have eliminated a lot of turbulent emotion in my life.
Suzanne
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