Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Getting Unstuck

One of the things I have to get back to doing is "to risk."

I have been under enormous (enormous? probably the right word, but my ego or voice inside my head, I cannot tell which one it is talking to me) pressure over the past year and a half. Separation, loss of job, looking for job, stock market, economy, new job, divorce proceedings, custody proceedings, money going out the door for lawyers, wife attacking, my brain working overtime, child going thru puberty, etc. all adding to the pressure.

So, in order to "control" the pressure I have not been "risking" or "being out there on the high wire" at work as I probably could be. Or is it "should be." I know about the "should thing." But maybe there is a "should" every now and then. Maybe I am working just enough. And maybe working "just enough" is perfectly fine.

I am not sure.

This is the dilemma. Am I stuck? Am I afraid to reconnect with old business acquaintances because of the fear of rejection?

HELLO??

As I am writing this the thought comes to mind: What if they don't return my call? The ANSWER: So what? What will happen if they don't? Nothing. Except an ego bruise. AND the possibility of the ego taking control and making me feel "less than." Hmmmm.

Am I really "risking?"

Bite sized chunks.
I know to get around the "stuck" thing is to make a list. Break down the thing I need or should or must do, into smaller, bite sized chunks, on a piece of paper. Then schedule time on my calendar to do them. And then, . . . , JUST DO IT (them).

OK. Got it.

This is where I am this morning.

Also. I "attached" to something at work yesterday. And then when I "confronted" another manager, he started Bullshitting me, about how it's going to be better in the future. I told him I cannot wait and that the future is now. I told him, and I did it in the old way, that he cannot give me this crap about how good it's going to be. I don't think he ever was confronted before.

Why did I have to go and attack his bullshit? Why couldn't I have just adjusted and worked it out more indirectly? Which is the right way to go? I am never sure. I know; say what you mean, but don't say it meanly.

I said what I meant. I think it could have been interpreted as being mean. Now I fret, that he will tell others I am "explosive." I was not mind you - but I did tell him - not that he was full of shit, but he knew he could no longer ever bullshit me, just by my taking his words and tossing them into the garbage heap as "unmeaningful."

OK. How do I recover from this one? Apologize? Let it go? Or is it my head again that is causing me to worry about this? I am having difficulty with the balance.

5 comments:

sydney_savage said...

I wouldn't worry. Calling out another persons bullshit is just parr for the course when it comes to the everyday corporate lifestyle. You wnat ot be seen as someone who is aggressive and can make things happen. It is far better to be that than someone who lets others walk on them.

BringMeFlowers00 said...

I wouldn't worry.....You really can't relive the past. Just try to learn from this and go on....."Progress not Perfection!" Just recognizing is progress!

Also, when reading your blog another Al-Anon slogan comes to mind that always helps me...."When in doubt - Don't!"

Dealing with alcoholism you should be use to dealing with BS.....maybe treat your work the same way...

Anonymous said...

Joe,

I remember reading on this blog either a post by you or a response from someone. It talked about how insane it is "to think about what someone else is thinking".

You said what you said, you can't unring the bell, all you can do is let it go now.

Stop worrying about what he is thinking. Right now he's probably thinking about what he will watch on TV tonight or how his ingrown toenail is bothering him. He's probably not thinking about you. And even if he is, you can't control what he thinks.

Worrying is living in the past. That is a waste of time. Live in the now and go do something you enjoy just because you can. : )

Suzanne

Bark less, wag more.

Syd said...

It depends on whether you have a resentment or whether there is some sense of unease. If you are writing about it, then do an inventory. What was your part? It's Step 10--take personal inventory and when we are wrong, promptly admit it. Just a thought....

The Albatross said...

If after review (or like Syd said an inventory) an apology is required, give it.... but as for the rest, it took me a long time to accept the message without bashing the messanger... if you fear that word will go out about you being "explosive"... then take the right action, reflect on the message, and take action to CHANGE.

It can happen... and steps in any direction will get you somewhere other than where you are right now.

Blessings Joe.