Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My Attempts Controlling My Attempts to Control

Absolutely amazing. My attempts to control the uncontrollable. I even attempt to control my controlling. Think about that one for a minute.

Writers Comment: This is a long post today folks . . . but you have to read all it. I reveal some aspects of control that I have not always recognized.

This morning I thought about all the things I could and should do to "Stop a certain person" from spamming my little blog site. I thought about looking for a way to block this person from commenting.

I remember this morning getting a little pissed off and figuring out a way to threaten this person.

Retaliating against him. "Getting even." Hmmmm . . .

Then I read a little passage. It was a small one sentence that stuck out in this book. It is a sentence that we all know - I mean - we heard it a million times. It wasn't even in an Al-Anon book. The sentence was just there -staring at me - and in the back of my head I was figuring out what I could do to get back at this person.

Yep. I was "planning" and "scheming." I even had these hurtful words starting to enter my head as to how best to wound him so he would go away. Yes. I will admit this.

Then the words; "The only thing you can control is yourself." showed up in the middle of the paragragh.

I laughed - or smiled is more like it. Yes. My attempt to control was going on in my head. I had "get back at you" strategies going on.

What a laugh.

So what someone is spamming my little blog site. He is really causing no harm. Does he really know me? Does he know any of us?

He was on my "little site" before. I looked him up. He's from some where in Australia. Actually I know the city and just about everything about him. Yes. I was attempting to control. I wasted a lot of time looking him up. His own blogspot had a lot about him. He revealed a lot about his family, where he lived, how he grew up and how he found his beliefs.

Yes. I was "going to get back." Retaliate. Why? Anger. But it was fear based. What was I afraid of? His opinion? Of me. Of you? I was going to defend you. That's what I did as the oldest one. I defended my brothers and sister. I helped them through school. Now I was going to defend me and you. From what? His opinion? His cutting and pasting of long stuff?

I could wound him now. I could say "Can't you write? Do you know ha, ha, ha etc is really not so intelligent? And cutting and pasting someone elses words is another form of stupidity and non-original thinking? And . . . " But I know he's been asked these types of questions before you see. I can sense it. That is where I can wound. I used my sensing ability to defend through my words.

My controlling power is well honed. It's sharp. It pops up in the most little things in life. I cannot control it because it is so hard to recognize.

Even my deleting of his comments are an attempt to control.

I even thought about using humor. Here was going to be my post;
Dear Mickey,

I have someone I would like you to meet. Obviously you are a lonely soul. Mickey meet my ex-wife. Ex-wife, meet Mickey.

Please torture each other.

Yes. That would be funny I thought. But again, my humor is another attempt to control.

All these things were going on inside my head - very, very fast. Quickly processing. In seconds I had formulated several strategies to wound, attack, control, get even, be funny, be smart etc. Seconds.

Controlling the uncontrollabe. How pervasive is this in my life?


Cat said...

LOL!!! Your very creative in your torture methods!!!

Gin said...

That's hilarious! I just changed my comments to be monitored because I couldn't stand his post anymore. They were driving me nuts.

Syd said...

I just ignore him. And decided a long time ago that I would post his comments if they were reasonable and made some contribution. I will do that but not the HA HA HA stuff. I don't think that I'm trying to control him but just setting up some boundaries to take care of myself. That's okay with me.

Kim A. said...

I did it too after reading all his nonsense. He actually left a response to one of my posts on another blog and referred to satan. I wanted to correct him by saying that since I don't practice the religion of my youth, the Christian diety, satan, is not relevant to my spirituality today. I now follow the Puffy Marshmellow man from Ghostbusters. :-D...keeping it light today..


Cindy said...

I really like you! Our trying to control our controlling! It's like a cartoon! I am interested in the folks that try to change and influence those of us in the program. Not interested in them or why they do it. But interested in my lack of caring. Before I'd be all riled up and agitated. Now I think, "wow, how far I've come". But we all know, how far we have to go. Here nor there, what matters is that I'm where my butt is.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I don't really think its being controlling to just delete the irrelevant stuff. It is your blog, you publish it. There is nothing wrong with boundaries as Syd says. But you absolutely can't stop him from TRYING to send stuff. That would be controlling.

All you can do is ignore it or delete it or block him if that is possible. And you have to decide if its worth your time, energy and peace of mind to block and delete.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (there are trolls out there posting),

Courage to change the things I can (block and delete if desired, patience to ignore the nuisance)

And wisdom to know the difference.

There is literary and spiritual genius in that prayer.


Still, I do wonder why zealots don't channel all that energy into something more TANGIBLE that's USEFUL and PRODUCTIVE, like raising orphaned children, helping raise money for wounded war veterans, or finding alternative energy sources. Oh well, to each his own.

The Albatross said...

Cyber 101 is not to feed the trolls, and my program tells me to pray for them asking God to bless them abundantly.

Eventually this person may move on... or failing that cross a boundary then it is perfectly acceptable to enforce a boundary and use the ban stick.

Anonymous said...

Hi everyone
My name is Tom, Im 38 yrs old, living in Fort Worth, TX.

I'd love to make good close friends here.

Look forward to 'meeting' you all.