Detachment

Detachment came to be the topic at a recent Al-Anon meeting. When I came to talk I spoke of detachment meaning to me, that we - I - became codependent. That is I started working my qualifier's life and starting to try to guess what they were going to do next when it came to drinking and not drinking.

Just a side note here: I was so embroiled in the alcoholism, I did not know when she was drinking or not. I look back at the events and the pictures I have found and see NOW, that she was drinking. I was lulled into a sense of not knowing when she was drunk or not - so everything that was abnormal, became normal, because the craziness became a standard of living over a long period of time.

Anyway, what I have found very useful is NOT to get into my qualifier's business. Now this is easier said than done, especially when you are living in the same home as the person who is drinking. Also, if the drinker is a quiet drinker, versus one that loves to engage by pushing our buttons, it is much more difficult to detach.

But when we are getting our buttons pushed - it serves no purpose to engage, instead it only feeds the addiction. You actually make it stronger and YOU get sucked into a vortex - or a tar pit of anguish, frustration and anxiety. THIS IS WHEN YOU MUST detach, even without love, and even if you have to take the kids and leave the house for a while. Detaching can be as simple as leaving the room. Detaching can be not saying anything. I was told when someone pushes your buttons or tries to hook you, to say, "Interesting." Period. Stop. Say no more.

Detachment can also be as simple as not thinking about the future or the past. AND staying in the moment.

Detachment can also be, realizing we are not our children and that they are separate from us. This includes, our spouse. THEY are separate and they have their own lives. If things are screwed up for them and they are over 18 or 21 - pick the year, but what I am saying is that they are grown-ups at this age and we must stop doing for them what they can and should be doing for themselves. Once we start doing this and this is hard because we have spent years taking care of everyone and the world, we can stop judging, evaluating and therefore, detach more easily.

Detachment is also not seeing yourself in the job or the shoes you bought or the car you drive. You are not these inanimate objects. Yet we allow ourselves to be "insulted" if someone says something "wrong" or critical about these types of things. The same is true for sports teams. A sports team is not us. Hard to believe, especially if we are rabid fans of some football team or baseball team or some other sport. Same is true today about politics - we are democrat or republican or independent, and we get insulted about our favorite politician.

When you think about it - isn't it pretty silly that we would identify so much with things that make no real difference in our achieving peace and serenity?


Anyway - I hope this note finds you all well this day. Stay in the present!!!