Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Who Am I?

With the events of the past year - finding out my spouse has a major problem with alcohol, how this affected me and our daughter, and our marriage - I am in a state of fear.

This fear - the fear of the unknown perhaps - is causing me to look inward at what I may have been avoiding all my life.

I have gained new insights. But I do not have the answer to the question;

Who AM I?

I am not sure I will ever have an answer. I am not sure there actually is an answer.

I have asked myself this question before. Many times in fact. I was - in essence - my work and my "success" because of my work. My ego - I am afraid - took hold of me. This is - I think - because of the fear of growing up and not having enough money.

Truth is - I want someone - who is there for me and that I can share my fears - honestly and openly and say, "Hey, you will get through this. You are a good and caring person and you are whole and perfect. And I love you for who you are already."

I need that affirmation. But, is this a problem too? Do I need someone to affirm me? I then become dependent on their affirmation of me? And if somewhere they think, I, will, er, um, "suck" - do I become a non-entity again - in search of me?


Who AM I?

I am just a human being - that was a "human doing" - and not doing much "being." Through Al-Anon, I have found that people don't care what I do, have done, will do. They care about me "being."

My brother said to me yesterday; "You are in new territory. You are happier in your voice. You have a whole new life in front of you." In essence - "Enjoy the ride." And "look at the positives that have occurred."

I used to be 110% positive. What happened? This alcoholism issue and the affects of a relationship that become angry, lying, deceitful, and conniving, have sent me back to square one.

Well not really square one. I have a lot to be thankful for. I am just in uncharted territory right now. My bet is this - you too are in somewhat uncharted territory today. You have thoughts of fear and concern. You are wondering lately - "Who AM I?" - too. To some degree you know who are. You may be wondering "How did I get here?" And "Where is it I need to go?"

Here is some thought and questions that may help you today;

1. What matters to you is not usually what you say or do, but what upsets you and/or disturbs you. Use this, to determine who you are and knowing yourself. When someone does something or a situation upsets you, ask - "Why is this bothering me?" and journal about it.

2. What are the things that upset me and bother me? If small things disturb me, I remain small. Are the things that disturb me, things others said? Or how about this; Are the things that disturb me what I perceive others have said (or what I perceive others are thinking about me)?

3. What are these things? (related to number 2 above)

4. What about these things make me anxious? Why do I react to them?

Write the answers to these questions down and you may be revealed to yourself. A journal really helps. I cannot tell you how putting these thoughts of fear, worry, anxiousness, etc helps you see and feel your emotions and your inner workings better.

I hope you are well today dear friends.


Anonymous said...

I have found that I am "re-learning" who I was prior to 5 years with a raging alcoholic.

The journey back has led me to 2 conclusions;

1. It has surfaced areas in my life that I now can see were not healthy, such as trust, jealousy, and fear.

2. It has reminded me of the good things about me, love, compassion, respect, and how important my relationship with God really is.

Who am I?

I am me, character defects and all.

I'm ok today, and look forward to tomorrow!

Peace this Wed.


Syd said...

I guess we all think that we need someone. Yet, we have to stand on our own first and foremost. I've had to learn that. I have learned that it's okay to just be with myself. And be fairly comfortable with that.