Who Am I?

With the events of the past year - finding out my spouse has a major problem with alcohol, how this affected me and our daughter, and our marriage - I am in a state of fear.

This fear - the fear of the unknown perhaps - is causing me to look inward at what I may have been avoiding all my life.

I have gained new insights. But I do not have the answer to the question;

Who AM I?

I am not sure I will ever have an answer. I am not sure there actually is an answer.

I have asked myself this question before. Many times in fact. I was - in essence - my work and my "success" because of my work. My ego - I am afraid - took hold of me. This is - I think - because of the fear of growing up and not having enough money.

Truth is - I want someone - who is there for me and that I can share my fears - honestly and openly and say, "Hey, you will get through this. You are a good and caring person and you are whole and perfect. And I love you for who you are already."

I need that affirmation. But, is this a problem too? Do I need someone to affirm me? I then become dependent on their affirmation of me? And if somewhere they think, I, will, er, um, "suck" - do I become a non-entity again - in search of me?

Hmmm.

Who AM I?

I am just a human being - that was a "human doing" - and not doing much "being." Through Al-Anon, I have found that people don't care what I do, have done, will do. They care about me "being."

My brother said to me yesterday; "You are in new territory. You are happier in your voice. You have a whole new life in front of you." In essence - "Enjoy the ride." And "look at the positives that have occurred."

I used to be 110% positive. What happened? This alcoholism issue and the affects of a relationship that become angry, lying, deceitful, and conniving, have sent me back to square one.

Well not really square one. I have a lot to be thankful for. I am just in uncharted territory right now. My bet is this - you too are in somewhat uncharted territory today. You have thoughts of fear and concern. You are wondering lately - "Who AM I?" - too. To some degree you know who are. You may be wondering "How did I get here?" And "Where is it I need to go?"

Here is some thought and questions that may help you today;

1. What matters to you is not usually what you say or do, but what upsets you and/or disturbs you. Use this, to determine who you are and knowing yourself. When someone does something or a situation upsets you, ask - "Why is this bothering me?" and journal about it.

2. What are the things that upset me and bother me? If small things disturb me, I remain small. Are the things that disturb me, things others said? Or how about this; Are the things that disturb me what I perceive others have said (or what I perceive others are thinking about me)?

3. What are these things? (related to number 2 above)

4. What about these things make me anxious? Why do I react to them?

Write the answers to these questions down and you may be revealed to yourself. A journal really helps. I cannot tell you how putting these thoughts of fear, worry, anxiousness, etc helps you see and feel your emotions and your inner workings better.

I hope you are well today dear friends.