Remember the New Comer in Al-Anon

In Al-Anon do we really reach out to the new comer? Or are we wrapped up in what we want to say and sounding good?

This message may sound critical. But I am putting it out there for us to ponder . . .

I was at an Al-Anon meeting last night. It was/is a strong group (the people there have been practicing Al-Anon for a long is what I mean).

I have been at Al-Anon meetings where after the meeting the older members may complain about a new comer or someone early in recovery "bitching" about there lives in Al-Anon meetings. When I "drill down" (listen hard) I find that the person complaining about the newcomer, I often find they are complainers or they are controlling (still) or they are not living with active alcoholism (or all three).

My message is this: I am a pretty smart guy. I grew up in - not poverty - but not under the best of circumstances and I pulled and clawed my way up the social structure (whatever the hell that is and that means) to a pretty good life. My life was jolted into the stone age emotionally, when I found my wife had an alcohol problem. I just thought we had a crappy marriage - that one I could deal with (or so I was thinking - a duh here). When I engaged and found myself in the dance of alcoholism, I was under the spell of alcoholism. I found myself depressed, layered in wool blankets that kept me from feeling and living was basically in a dark cloud.

Now, now, is different. I am out of the spell. I am not living with active alcoholism because I am physically out and away from it. Even the sober days, when I lived there sucked. It felt as my daughter wrote, the house was full of alcoholism. And she was right. It dark and gloomy, lugubrious might be the better word.

What I am saying is this. I could easily slip into thinking that these people need to get with the program - the newcomer - that is. But that is not true. We need to get with the program. We who have learned to live with it or who have gotten away from it.

We need to show empathy for the newcomer and show them or tell them that if they practice these principles - which are so very foreign to the newcomer - that they too will find hope, serenity and peace. But it takes time we need to say. We need to be cognizant that they are facing verbal abuse, deception, lying, anger, perhaps even bodily harm. We need to remember that everyone in the house is getting "screwed" by this awful disease, and that the newcomer has not a clue what the hell we are talking about in Al-Anon. All they want is HELP. "Help me fix this" is the newcomers cry.

While we were discussing Tradition 5 last night, I realized that discussing a Tradition to a newcomer is like painting the deck chairs on the Titanic.

I am not saying we should immerse our being into helping the newcomer. What I am saying is we need to welcome them and state to them that this may be the complete opposite of what they were thinking they would hear, and that we need to be very clear that we will talk to them after the meeting. I am also not saying we should sell them on the program, but we should clearly point out we have been there too. And reading the preamble is not enough. All the words in the beginning of the meeting are lost on the newcomer. We need to say it again.

I have been in sales/consulting for a billion years. I have read all the books and have been in countless meetings with clients. If I can say one thing it is this . . . .

We need to see the life of the newcomer from where they sit and empathize and get a sense of the pain they are enduring - albeit a short minute or two - but just get a sense of surrendering our ego and wanting to say something smart - and just BE a beacon of hope.

That's all for now. That's my rant. I hope I stirred up a fire and a message the next time you see someone at a meeting that is dying.