Loneliness versus Aloneness

Key words: Al-Anon. Loneliness. Aloneness. Solitude

Isn't it strange that we (I) can feel alone in a group of people? Maybe it's here, in a group of people, that I can feel an inadequacy of some sort that pushes me to the periphery of the group.

That's the way I used to feel sometimes, in certain situations.

Business Situations
Put me in a meeting, and I can fit right in. Put me one of those after work cocktail hour group things, and I suck. It's probably because I cannot find the balance between work and the people I work with and the socializing small talk, that I have to dig to find something in common with, versus the all-out, be funny, find something humorous about myself that I have done, we can share together, and hopefully find out something equally as funny about you.

But in these after hours cocktail hour things, I am uneasy. I am never too sure how much to reveal, since I err on the side of showing that I am human and make mistakes to put people at ease. And maybe, that is my mistake, my "character defect." Why do I think I need to be responsible for others "unease?" How do I know they are even uneasy? And who says I have to be responsible for others happiness?

Well, this flow of consciousness just revealed something about me. I am not responsible for others feelings. This is not new - for I discovered that I - under the past conditions - felt I had to make or be responsible for others having fun and being happy.

Note to self; Look at this harder. See where else this affecting you and your life.

Aloneness and Loneliness
OK. Back to loneliness. I am in state of being between loneliness, and aloneness. I do not mind being alone. I like solitude. It is refreshing and rejuvenating. But I am also a people person, a relationship person. I like to share ideas, conversations and just hanging out. I have been using Al-Anon meetings for this, as a crutch, as I go through this transformative stage in my life. (as you may know I was married to an alcoholic and through a long period of strife, set some boundaries and this time, stuck by them).

I have no regrets. In fact this is the odd thing; I thought I would be filled with self-doubt and fear (fear of being alone - or loneliness). But I am not. Some how I feel as if I am wrong or a feeling of guilt. I have told this only to my closest family members, and now to you - the readers of this blog.

On the Personal Side
I am not necessarily alone, as I have many friends, and a delightful little child, who, at times can act like 17 or 21, and then 8, but this, I believe is normal. And this little fact is enlightening for me. I find I may be overstepping certain aspects of her life and her choices, and in other areas, I see she needs a little more supervision and - some more chores - to teach her responsibility. But I am not pushing, I am going slow, a pace, that normally, is not normal. My old normal was; I go fast, want immediate results, and I want everyone to see it my way. My old normal. I am working on this. I see the need for staying away - and saying something once and only once, in order not to push her away, and thereby making me "alone with her." I see I must practice the opposite of what I would normally do, things that make sense to me, in order to help and create that bond of father and daughter. At least, I hope I am correct in this! ;-)

In my marriage, I realized I was alone. I was by myself - figuratively - and I was lonely. But, I would have stuck it out. So, the great gratitude I have, is the alcoholism and realizing now, the protection of our daughter was/is paramount, my heath, and my well-being - both spiritually and as a human - was suffering much more than I could have ever imagined.

Alone and Solitude
I am alone however - right now - but I am not lonely.

Being alone - especially early in the morning - is my solitude and can be great to rebuilding and programming my mind for peace and happiness. I do this by reading and taking notes on my reading. It is very refreshing.

I hope this post makes sense and helps you today discern loneliness and aloneness.