Everytime - I Get What I Need

One of the miracles in Al-Anon is, I seem to always get what I need at a meeting.

I read the daily reading in our meeting at the noon group meeting this past Wednesday, May 13. It's part of the format of this group to read the Steps, Traditions, Concepts and Warranties as well as the daily reading from any of the 3 daily readers.

So, as I read this passage, I was saying, "Damn. Just what I need. A - friggin' - gain." To myself mind you, as I don't let random thoughts pop out of my head and disrupt the flow of the meeting!

Recently - over the past few years - I have been - God I hate to admit this - reluctant to make decisions and reluctant to confront people. This is very recent, as I was a confronter. I am now afraid to open certain emails - as I "just know" they are going to be zingers (usually from my wife and the people I am renting this house I am now in).

The reading struck me. It was just what I needed, as I am touched or haunted with "dread" on certain aspects of my life. I have been burned before and therefore a little indecisive. Here is the passage from Courage to Change May 13 that struck me and was just what I needed;

For a time I avoided making decisions because I was sure that there was some "magical" right choice that would get me what I wanted, yet I never seemed to know what that choice was. I waited until the last minute to decide and never felt good about my choices. Today I know that choosing not to decide is to decide.

It can be very liberating to make a decision. Once the decision is made, I can trust that the consequences will unfold as they should. With a slight change in attitude, perhaps I can await them with excitement and hope rather than fear and dread.

This is where I am today. When I make a decision or I am waiting for a response or I get the response (the email or call from my soon-to-be-ex or maybe someday-ex), I have this fear and dread feeling come over me.

I have not been to as many meetings as I would like. I am so busy at work and was so busy preparing for divorce. And so busy trying to regain my personal life. And so busy trying to stay in shape. And so busy . . .

I am forgetting being centered. My centering is the most important thing in this list. It affects everything else.

The meeting was just what I needed. This passage hit me in head. It had the two words "fear" and "dread" -

Also - by the way - the word "consequences" above has typically a negative connotation to some. But it is not the true definition of the word. Consequences are just results of actions -neither positive or negative. I know, I looked the word up many years ago, and unless they changed the definition this is correct. Why are you typing this by the way Joseph? Well in your need to help (read control) others, you want them to understand the word in the passage. Also, are you trying to help (control)? And show (control) you are smart? Man, I read control all the way through this.

Try Six Meetings To See If Al-Anon Is Right For You

Try Six (6) Meetings - Al-Anon - Is Right For You

This morning it is early. I am not sure what I am going to write. I have not been to my meetings like I need to.

In my city I am blessed. There are several meetings a day. I have to drive 20 or 45 minutes - but there are meetings.

I went yesterday and the night before. These meetings vary - widely. One meeting is filled with straights, singles, marrieds and gays. A lot more of the latter. It is strange that I can write this and I am not sure why I am sharing this - but it is this meeting that I like the most.

I think it is the sheer honesty - without masking - that I feel I can reveal what I feel. In other meetings, I still feel compelled to "sound smart" and also, there is this "woman thing," - I want to not be or sound too "goofy" [definitely not the right word] in front of them.

The good news is - I found which meetings work best. The meeting I referred to earlier - and it is because I believe there are more gays there, is my favorite. I think it is also because we sit in a circle - with nothing in between us all. It feels like we have "nothing between us that separates us."

I go to other meetings and we sit around the table. I sit in meetings all day around tables - a conference room table, discussing accounts strategies, and client solutions, with my team at work. So, I guess I am tired of tables.

The meeting with "gays" - gets filled up with straights - and there are newcomers meetings. Funny, [the strange type of funny], I like these meetings a lot because we focus on Steps 1, 2, and 3. And we are always Newcomers. Not just the Newcomers, but I feel we ARE ALWAYS starting over - with a fresh perspective - relearning these Steps 1, 2 and 3, at a deeper level.

In the Newcomers meetings I used to be VERY sensitive to those who were really raw - so new it was there first meeting. I can remember - almost two years ago - crying - yes - really - crying trying to get my wife to stop drinking and driving with children in the car.

OKAY - remember this? You who are new - are you asking; "Why didn't he hide the keys?" - and "Why didn't he force her to stay home?" - And - "How come he could not tell she was drinking?"

Answers -

I did. I did. Really strange - but - I couldn't.

The last part - was - I couldn't tell when she had been drinking. Yes there were signs. I looked too. Looked for the signs; the lips - they were moist and were - well - stiff and yet wobbly?. The walk - a slight stagger - so slight - if you knew her - you thought maybe she was "just off" that day. Her speech - slightly more talk and rapid.

Ooooops. I drifted. I was focusing on her!

The Newcomer - how in the world can you not focus on her????? Are you selfish?

I used to be SOOOO focused on her, that I lost where I stopped and she began. Hard to explain to a Newcomer. Easy now to see it thankfully.

Back to the meetings . . .

It's Saturday this morning, as I write this. There are several Men's Meetings. I like these meetings - SOMETIMES. There is too much testosterone in one. I feel we are all competing. I realize it is ALL probably me competing. I would say I am not very competitive. Others would probably say I am very competitive [not at meetings - probably - mostly at work].

The "shares" at the Men's Meetings are honest. But I feel a sense of "not going to sound smart" and we are all competing to talk. There is never enough time because the meeting is SOOO large.

Plus - I am going to write this - there are no women there. I feel women DO add to the meeting. But it is my ego that "stops" me from revealing my feelings. I feel like they may talk about this guy named "Joe" amongst themselves. But at the same time the women offer a very similar story from a different perspective.

One last thing I will share this morning.

I went back to my "regular" Saturday morning meeting a few weeks ago.

The meeting had changed!!!!

After the speaker story, people shared but commented on the speaker and how much the person had changed, gotten better, AND - offered advice!

I was - well - APPALLED. I shared at this meeting and spoke from the "I" and of course I slightly commented on HOW it was all about me - no matter what happened to the alcoholic - I had to focus on me and my shares had to be from the "I" perspective - not on "Us" or "We" or "you."

In truth - the meeting I loved and that I first went to every Saturday with men and women, had not changed - I was the one that changed. The one that gave me turbo growth was the meeting filled with people who were REALLY following the rules and principles of Al-Anon. Keep the focus on yourself - speak only Al-Anon literature - no commenting etc. The meeting was and is reallllly "tough" on these guidelines. To the point - to where they turned some people off. Certain members have gotten better about stating right out loud "Can you use the word 'I' when sharing please?" and "We try to stick to Al-Anon literature here."

Even in my egoic disease and the progress I have made - these comments would have and still will - send me flying . . . in embarrassment and replaying the event in my head.

Progress, not Perfection
I am blessed. Good things have happened to me - and they are - well - frankly, miracles. I quickly forget where I came from and where I am.

Six meetings. If you are in a large city - try six meetings.

Where I suck is this - I saw my sponsor Thursday night. We sat next to each other. BUT WE HAVE NOT TALKED. I suck. I need to really work my program. I need his help and guidance, because I am living in my head.

Six meetings. Try to do them ALL in a week. But do this for a month. That is my recommendation.

A Downer Al-Anon Meeting? YOU Must Read This!!

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night. It was led by a very articulate person, a person who asked me to lunch several times and we talked about our "situations." He too, has/had the same situation I have. One child, and a wife drinks/drank - the divorce.

Anyway . . .

He read from "How Al-Anon Works" a section in the back about a man whose sons were drinking - teenagers - and how the man, the father, became better and "took back over" as head of the family and gave the two boys the ultimatum; "Stop drinking/smoking pot, or get out."

It reminded me that this month is the month that I started this blog. And where I was in my recovery a year ago.

A lot of people shared. It was rather emotional for some. There was crying because of certain family situations. And the reading prompted the words "detachment, letting go, and choices."

At the end of the meeting, the discussion leader, who is very strong and what I would consider serene and well into recovery, came up to me and another person at the end of the meeting, and apologized, saying he didn't mean for it to be a "downer of a meeting." I replied, "I thought it was a good meeting. There was a lot of sharing."

I was over talking to someone else, and again, this person who is strong in recovery, came over and said, "I am sorry about the meeting topic being a downer." I replied, again, "It was a good meeting. I didn't see it as a downer."

When I got home last night - I was thinking; "Why did he think it was a bad meeting? Was it because people were crying and expressing their hurts and pain and fear?"

Many times now, as I look back, I see this pattern of men, expressing how the meeting turned into a "bitch session" or how the person expressing pain was "whining." I am not sure if the women do this, but I have not heard them say anything like this.

Interesting.

Interesting how some feel that expressing pain or sorrow or hurt or fear or anger or some negative emotion may be bad.

My initial analysis is: I do the same thing as my friend does or did. I want to the meeting to be happy, joyous, serene.

And, I want people to think "Man, he is ze most brillllliannnt of all the people in zee vorld." (use the accent of some mad German scientist).

Yep. That's my disease kicking in.

I suspect, that his disease is similar.

My analysis (and this is my disease too - the analysis thing) is this; he was attached to the outcome. He was emotionally attached to a result. And not achieving the desired result he was hoping for, his ego got hold of him and perhaps, made him feel, well, "less than" what he desired.

You can almost hear the ego's voice saying, "See. You are not that brilliant. You were not uplifting. You are but still 'less than' others. You'll never make it." And on and on the ego goes, pulling you/him, forever downward.

As the ego grabs hold of this person's brain and spirals downward, I liken it to an alligator grabbing it's victim in a death roll, until the victim drowns.

What makes the meeting bad?

Answer: Our labeling of it as so. There ain't the Al-Anon Meeting Olympic Committee. No Olympic Judges reviewing us. Their ain't no judges from Russia screwing with the point system. It is only our labeling it as "bad" that makes it bad. Does this make sense?

Ponder this for a second. "It is only our labeling of something of 'bad' that makes it bad."

Oh - I can hear the arguments going off in the heads of the readers of this right now.

The argument is you ego trying to take control of you. It is trying to make you "right." Don't let it. Observe it though.

But back to the point about labeling it as bad. Next thing we do; we gather the facts or our interpretation of the facts to support our labeling of it as bad. We look for all the reasons to protect our label and make the label the correct label. In other words, we look for the reasons or facts that make it "bad" and support the label. Why? Because we want to be right. And the ego wants you to feel like shit.

However, what if . . .

What if crying at the meeting was a sign that it was a good meeting? What it bitching actually helped someone release pent up energy and negativity he or she could not otherwise express? Especially express somewhere else? Expression of bad shit happening in one's life is why Al-Anon is such as GREAT place - because - it's here that it is safe to do so.

And my friend . . .

Well, he gave everyone the key to unlock the door that behind the door was a bunch of crap to be let go and explored as it was thrown out into the middle of the circle to view for the first time out loud.

This is power. This is the power of these rooms. A safe place to feel. A safe place to express. A safe place to screw-up (if you label it as such). And "screwing up" is just a label. Who actually judges whether it is a screw-up or not? And if we all judge it as a screw-up - it does not make us "right."

Interesting.

To my friend I would say; You may want to explore your feeling about it being a "downer" of a meeting last night. Why do you think it was? And why does it make any difference if it really was?

And, me - I should explore why I feel compelled to point this out to him? I know the answer. I will admit I would like to print this post off and hand him this post for him to read.

My answer as to why:
1. I want to help him see his illness. In other words, I want to fix him. (Control)
2. I want him to see my brilllll-ant writing and have him recognize that; I am ze best in ze vorld. Supersmart.

My answer is my disease.

I have control over my disease. I will not print this off and show him.

The Topic Was Gossip

In the other day's Al-Anon meeting, the topic was gossip. What the heck does gossip have to do with our disease??

Well, if I think about it, in my insecure way, I might talk about someone else, who is not in my presence, to someone else. This little talking about - tries to bring about an immediate bonding effect - where we both have a common "enemy" or something in common in the way we feel about another person.

So, right away we feel good about one another because we are trashing someone else.

Pretty sad isn't it? I believe when I do this - I am acting out of insecurity - or fear. Fear that people won't like me, accept me, think less than I am.

I also may be trying to make myself look better than another person.

But in reality, I am not living the principles outlined in Al-Anon and I wind up bringing myself down to a level I don't want to be at.

Your Prayers Helped Me Through . . .

Everything and I mean everything turned out VERY well.

My prayers have been answered.

My wife denied being an alcoholic on the stand. And there is more. It was very painful to listen to her deny everything and anything about her disease. The disease was in the courtroom yesterday in full bloom. Lying, covering up and deceiving. It was very obvious. Her friends and her family heard it there for the first time and now they know why I filed and that I am not an overly protective father.

I do not have time right now to tell you everything, as I have some things to do. But I went to bed with a smile on my face and woke up in the middle of the night with a smile instead of the usual cold sweat and pit in the stomach.

The judge - my fear was she would not understand alcoholism.

She told us all in the end, that this is a terrible disease and that my wife - soon to be ex - was in denial. She told us how her mother was an alcoholic and that she committed suicide and how the alcoholism affect her (the judge) and everyone in her family.

I was truly blessed and I am grateful.

I will be posting here on this blog for a long time. For I am still impacted by alcoholism and I will still be going to Al-Anon.

God Bless you all.

PS - I will see you tomorrow for the weekend Al-Anon online blog.

Communication with Ourselves and Others

Do we attract people into our lives by how we communicate to ourselves and to others?

I think the answer is a resounding "Yes." I believe we send "signals" to others unintentionally that tell people how we treat us. I believe our self-worth - or how much value we place in ourselves - is a direct measure of how much we esteem ourselves.

I modified the original post in blue below.

Some of the ways we communicate to others is based upon how we feel about ourselves. And this feeling emanates from how we think - or said differently, how we talk to ourselves. This thinking directs our feelings which directs our actions. Our actions are visible, --> which are congruent with our feelings --> which are congruent with our thoughts.

This "chain reaction" is perhaps the most powerful thing we can learn about how we "invite" others to treat us. And it starts with how we are treating ourselves (talking to ourselves and valuing ourselves).

For example, I have a concern about something that might happen or might not. I start to think about this concern. Thinking about this concern turns to worry. The worry creates fear, which might immobilize from taking action that will prevent it from occurring, and sure enough, it occurs. This is true for me today. I have been putting off something that I know needs to be done. But I cannot tell if it is fear that is holding me back, or if it is a signal not to do it, and that everything will work out if I leave it alone. This is hard for me today - for I want peace. And the thing I have to do, is not a peaceful thing.

We are sending out signals to the universe and people pick up on these signals.

I read that we can eliminate or reduce these affects by going to the source - the thinking and reprogram what we tend to think about "most of the time." Another way is to stop negative and destructive thinking when it occurs by thinking about something else.

And another way is to start doing - (the action part of this) - the things we should or could be doing and reverse the chain reaction. This falls into the category of "fake it 'til you make it."

Last, it helps to have a sponsor and friends in Al-Anon to call when your thinking starts getting out of control.

I hope this message helps this Monday.

PS - I did not call my sponsor. I did calla couple of friends - none of which were there. I went to an Al-Anon meeting at noon, and voila, there was my sponsor. It was good to hear folks share today. It was needed.

You Are Perfect

In Al-Anon one of the messages is to focus on yourself. Another message is be kind and compassionate to yourself.

I have stated several places in this blog that who we are is perfect. You may be saying to yourself, "No I am not! Look what you did this morning. Look what you said yesterday. Remember that nasty little thought you had, what about that?"

These messages play in our heads all the time. These messages play in a lot of peoples' heads, not just Al-Anon members. These are negative messages that derail us and make us feel inferior or inadequate. We need to STOP them. We need to eliminate this habit of thinking negatively about ourselves. We have been programmed to think that this is okay to think this way. We've done this type of thinking for so long that is natural for us to beat ourselves up.

So stick with this: you are perfect. Still feel this is impossible? Okay, well listen up.

What you DO may not be perfect. Separate who you are from what you do. You are not your project at work. So if your project bombed, it's not you who bombed. If your day yesterday was crappy, the day is not you. Maybe your relationship sucks. You are not necessarily the relationship. There is no rule out there that says your relationship is you and you were meant to make this work.

Sometimes we are stuck in this thinking because we leave our inside voices and get into the heads of others and start playing what they may be thinking of us.

Read that one again!

Sometimes we are stuck in this thinking because we leave our inside voices and get into the heads of others and start playing what they may be thinking of us.

How in the world are we going across the room or across the city or state or country and putting ourselves in other people's heads and having us put our thoughts of their thinking about about us in them? What?!

And, oh by the way . . . why does it have to be negative?

And, oh by the way . . . who cares what they think about us?

Now, someone may say, "That's not right. That's uncaring!" So I would ask, "For whom?" "Is it uncaring for them or you?"

I think, when we beat ourselves up, by saying , "Look what I've done . . . ", we start in our heads by thinking about what others might be thinking about us. We worry about their thinking, and why? Because they might not accept us. And then everything we do is aimed at them accepting us (liking us; saying "We're OK").

Now, if you want a guilt trip, I am going to give it to you. If you are so worried about what other people think, and therefore start doing what you think would make others think better of you, is that truly "authentic?"

You see, I know a secret about you (us).

We desire to be authentic. Genuine. Trustworthy. Real.

The only way for us to be authentic, is to do what we can, the best we can, without harm to others and without harm to ourselves. Be yourself. You are perfect. We may not always do things perfectly. But hey, tough darts, that's the fun and beauty of being on this little round, hairball planet, called Earth.

A Prisoner

A Prisoner. I heard this at the Family Night Rehab, from a man who was describing his life with his wife and her alcoholism. He was an ex-military person, who apparently spent some time in active combat.

A Prisoner. That's how I feel, or maybe felt. A Prisoner.

Not too many people - if any at all - can actually understand the feeling of living with an active alcoholic. Especially one that is angry, deceitful, lying and puts on a "show" to the outside world. No one will know how they can manipulate you, and make you lose self-confidence and self-esteem. Essentially, they make you feel inadequate, undeserving, unloved and often, like it (it = everything) is some how your fault. At least this is the words from some of the people from these meetings.

For someone reading this - who is not living with an active alcoholic - this may sound extreme. I can assure you - it is not.

Living with the alcoholic - even when I did not know she was drinking - somewhere deep inside, I was missing something. I look back now and know it was the hidden drinking of alcohol by my wife that was affecting me. It was big and little behavior that was out of the norm that soon became "the norm" that threw me off. But I didn't know it back then.

The weird behavior was; the throwing out (purposely losing) diamond earrings, because they were, "too small." Or falling down in the center of a sidewalk, because she had too much too drink (I didn't know it then, because I didn't see her drinking). Or when she threw up one morning on a street, on a beautiful spring morning in a quaint southern town on the Atlantic Ocean with my friend and his wife looking at her going, "what the ?" The burning of food. The burning of pots. The late bills.

How in the world did you miss this? You dismissed it because when you inquired about it to someone you trusted, you got "dismissed" as being "controlling" or a "control freak" or that, "I am a little ditzey." So, you start to doubt yourself. Self-doubt . . . a killer of instinct and all good from within.

It's all clear now of course. How could I have missed this? But we do. How many stories have I heard from both men and women who have spouses that hid their drinking - so well, that no one even had a clue. Next thing we know, there is no escape. Because we have become too weak, too ashamed, too much self-esteem lost, to leave, to get unstuck.

Then one day, something happens. We say - "Stop."

Where and when do we say this? How do we get away. I can tell you, that only through getting out of the house, every day, and meeting with YOUR friends or better - Al-Anon Meetings. Only at Al-Anon Meetings is really where you find people who understand.

I have compassion for the alcoholic. I really do. I feel sorry for her. She is being controlled by a substance that is powerful. Except in our society we see alcohol as "alright." It the alcoholic's fault for not being able to control themselves. It's "just" 10% of the population who can't handle it. If it was cocaine, well then, that's another story.

But it's not just the 10%. It may be another 25% - because of the effects on the family. Maybe the number is larger. We have made drinking glamerous and popular. We have become connessiuers of beer, wine, and scotch. Isn't that sad, knowing what we now know? The general population has not a clue of how this is a dangerous drug.

Are we prisoners? That is my question to you this morning.

The Children of the Alcoholic Family

Outside the home, no one knows of the prison we live in. As mothers, and fathers, we know the feeling of being trapped. We know the gloom of the home of the raging alcoholic. We can take comfort in our tools we learn from Al-Anon. We can learn to detach, stop engaging, focus on ourselves.

But our children.

For them, it is a different matter. How can they possibly understand that something is wrong? How can they understand that mommy's and daddy's bickering and fighting is about one person trying to fix and control the chaos and other - the alcoholic - someone who has no control of what they are doing.

In fact, with the alcoholic, it is like dealing with two people. Except, you are mostly if not always dealing the alcoholism. Remember, "cunning, baffling and powerful."

Our children do not understand this. And we, if we grew up around it, we also did not understand. But we tried to cope (we didn't call it this). We were too young to learn real coping mechanisms. Often the alcoholic took it out on us. In some cases, the sober parent lashed out at us, only because of the frustration and not knowing who to turn to and how to relieve their frustrations and stress.

It is not called "the disease of the alcoholic." It is called and known as the "the disease of the family." It is unlike any other disease on earth. It affects the entire orbit of the family. The enitre family system. All the children and the grandparents and others who come in contact, were and are extremely affected, without their even knowing it.

I read to you from the book, From Survival to Recovery, an Al-Anon book. I was asked to chair the meeting Sunday, and was asked to find something in this book. So I did. I never had such a response from a group of grown men and women before. Every one of the people were moved. And they spoke up, so candidly, about the affect the alcoholic and the alcoholism played on them or their children.

Here are the passages I read this past Sunday, written by those who struggled in the home as children; (from page 14)

In the alcoholic family, the need and demands of the alcoholic frequently dominate all other needs. Preoccupied with the alcoholic, the other family members may be too exhausted, irritated, or overwhelmed to provide for the children;s needs as well. Some children try to help their families cope by being quiet, good, and asking for nothing. While mastering the art of disappearing into a remote part of the house, or going to a friend's home, or becoming invisible in the midst of a crowd, those of us who "got lost" also lost a sense of self and the belief that our own needs had any validity. Some of us became human chameleons who changed our personalities to fit whatever social and personal environment we encountered.

Growing up with the chaos and unpredictability created by alcoholism cause many of us to mask our confusion, anger, and shame by trying to be perfect. To prove to ourselves and the world that there was nothing wrong with us or our families, we scrambled hard in school to get straight A's, or work feverishly at home to keep everything neat and tidy. We became star athletes, artists, corporation leaders, humanitarians, and outstanding citizens. Inside, however, we feel driven, terrified by failure unable to relax or play, and lonely. Toward less responsible people who seem to make our efforts at perfection harder, we often became self-righteous and angry. Convinced that something terrible will happen if we lose control, we run ourselves ragged trying to take charge of everything and never know how much is enough. Until we begin to recover, many of us are trapped in a compulsive need to give more, love more and do more.

Now I skip to page 17 in the same book.

Each member of an alcoholic family tries to adjust to the problem in his or her own way. Our adjustments depend on our situation in the family (whether we are a spouse, sibling, child, relative) and on our individual emotional temperaments. We have in common the tendency to keep changing ourselves to try to fix something that is not in our power to fix, someone else's alcoholism.

I add these words, to the final sentence instead of "someone else's alcoholism" - "that we did not cause, cannot change and cannot and should not take responsibility for. We are not responsible."

I think about that passage as it relates to my daughter.

Communicating is Overrated

"Communicating is Overrated." This was yesterday's topic at an Al-Anon meeting I decided at the last minute to attend.

We laughed our tails off in the meeting. We went around the room saying and admitting that we either "said too much" or "shouldn't have responded at all."

I took particular note of several remarks and I would like to share them in today's blog post.

• As we become more skilled with Al-Anon tools, sometimes we use this new knowledge to control, but just it a little more subtly. Interesting I thought. No not me! But yes, me too.
• Sometimes we respond when in reality the other person just wants to talk. One senior member, someone I respect because of his wisdom, said, "When someone talks, I ask them if they are looking for input from me or if they want a response. I was surprised how often people told me they weren't looking for a response." Interesting. I often respond, thinking that of course they want my opinion.
• I told the group that I get paid to give my opinion. So it's hard to stop. They laughed. I also told them of a story at work, that saved me. See the story below.
• One person said, she has gotten her emails to be very tight and succinct. "When they ask for a phone number in the email, I just send the phone number. No more fluff and no more other words than the digits. Now," she said, "I need to work on that with how I talk."

My Story

There was this person who was mad at everyone in our division. Some how she turned her anger on me. I became the target of her hostility. It was apparent we couldn't work together. She would attack my knowledge in meetings subtly and overtly.

Soon there was a meeting to occur. It was to get us both in "alignment." To end the bickering.

Several management people attended, including our boss and another key leader. The conversation was directed toward who was responsible for what and determine if there was confusion and overlap. It was very sensible.

Then she fired a shot, "Joe and his team don't do this and don't do that." I sat there. I sat quietly, mouth shut, eyes open. Her words rang out loud like a howitzer blast. The echo in the room still reverberating off the walls.

The management team continued with writing the things that needed to be done on the whiteboard and flip charts. Then, out of the blue, another blast, "Joe doesn't do this. And when he does, he doesn't do it well. I sat there. Stomach churned for a second. But I was silent. The words hung in the air with no place to go. They were big fat words of anger. They fell upon the table.

Again this went on several more times, until we broke for lunch. I walked with one of the top leaders and I said, "Just for the record, I took a couple of shots, and I chose not to respond. I am not going to respond, unless you feel otherwise." This President's response was, "It has been noted that you did not respond. I would appreciate it if would continue to not respond."

After lunch a few more shots. But this time, the shot from this one person, were being directed by others not in the room. This went on until 5PM. And when the management team said, "OK, here's what we are going to do . . . " this women closed her laptop, slammed her briefcase on the table and got up and left. She was very angry.

The management team broke up, and the next thing I knew was that the President came to me and said that this person will no longer be with the company by Friday. "Her team will report to you next week," he said.

The "old Joe" would have responded to the attacks. Something, maybe Al-Anon training, helped me take a different tact. The less direct route, which was the silence, was deafening.

It was a lesson I have never forgotten. I do not need to respond to everything.

As my good friend, Ralph Waldo Emerson said once, "What you are shouts so loudly, I cannot hear what you are saying." It is a good reminder for me.

PS - Just to be clear, I was not there when Ralph said this.

The Law of Attraction & Al-Anon & AA

The Law of Attraction; How it applies to Al-Anon, Alcoholics, Addicts, codependents.

What if, we attracted into our lives, everything that we are experiencing in our lives right now? This may be, my most important blog post of all time. I hope I am able to convey my thoughts to you through this post.

The Law of Cause and Effect
There is in science, a law called; The Law of Cause and Effect also known as the Law of Causality. Most religions talk about this law. In the Christian religion, it is called many things, one of which you may recognize as the principle of Sowing and Reaping; "Whatever ye shall sow, so shall ye reap." (I am writing from memory, but that is it in essence).

What if our beliefs, the beliefs we picked up from early childhood, are working against us? What do I mean? What if you picked up a belief, through listening to your parents or a teacher in school, (or your religion, or whatever) that became so deeply seated and rooted in us, that we came to believe that this is a "normal way of thinking or behaving?" And, because of this fact, we never questioned it's validity? What if we don't even know we picked up the belief, because it is so deeply rooted in us, that it is on "automatic pilot" for us and is operating without us even being aware of it at the subconscious level?

My Discovery; One Thought and Quote That Turned My Life Around
On my discovery of self, and when I decided to change my world, I found this phrase. It turned my life around. By now, you've heard it a thousand times;

"You become what you think about."

This has been talked about through ALL religions. Buddha talked about it. It is in the Christian religion. It has been talked about by Aristotle, by Epictetus, by Ralph Waldo Emerson, and many others.

What if, you picked up "unworkable" beliefs? What if, you picked up "untrue beliefs" that you thought were true, but aren't?

I was able to successfully, turn my life around, and go from poverty to being some what, pretty successful, with this one idea. Now, I am not Donald Trump, by any means. But I am, and have been pretty fortunate.

I turned my work life, my financial life, around. I reprogrammed my thinking by reading every day and listening to audios when I jog, or drive. So, I worked on changing my thinking. I undid past programming. I reprogrammed in, new thinking and beliefs.

Where Did I Mess-Up?
Because I was poor as a child, I was determined to not be poor. But I had poor thoughts, not supporting me in my goal and aim to get out of poverty. These thought were holding me back. I thoughts that all business people were liars, and cheats. I thought, for anyone to become a success, they had to be a fake. I learned that these were the very thoughts that were holding me back - in business and my financial affairs.

While I turned my life around in business, I neglected reprogramming my mind around my personal "codependent upbringing." I never even heard of the word, "codependent" until a few months ago. If I did hear of the term, it never did register with me.

Al-Anon and How We Get Here
Now, at every Al-Anon meeting I attend, I see women and men, who were brought up in an alcoholic home, or a codependent home, and almost every one of us, married an alcoholic or an addict of some type.

You would think, we would have known better! We saw it and we said, "We are never going to live like this again." And sure enough, we did. We attracted and married, what was familiar to us. Someone we said we would not repeat. Unbelievable when you think about it. Are we nuts? Are we crazy? In one sense, maybe.

The Disease - A Family Disease
The reason for this is, I believe, is the cycle of the disease. Is it so strong, that we actually attract people? That we, as codependents, HAVE to find someone we HAVE to take care of? At

Al-Anon, men and women alike talk about this phenomenon openly. The senior members talk about how they can attract the wrong person across a crowded room. Some men have divorced their first wife, only to remarry to another alcoholic. And there are some men, that divorce the the second time, to remarry, someone who isn't an alcoholic, but a person who needs someone to be taken care (the men learned the second time to check to see if they drank, but didn't check their heads).

What unworkable belief do we have to shed to get rid of this? I am not sure. But it starts with being aware of this Law of Attraction. It starts with understanding this Law of Causality or Law of Cause and Effect. It is also know as "Self-Fulfilling Prophecy."

If You Still Don't Believe It
The Law of Self-Fulfilling Prophecy is my favorite law or phenomenon. Allow me to give you an example that you will probably relate to:

• How many times have you learned the definition of a word you've never heard before, and then all of a sudden you see the word or hear the word that same day, several times?
• Or, when you were looking at buying a car, and all of a sudden you buy it, and you see the same exact car all over town?

We all have had the experience. Was the word never there before?

Or was the word there, but we didn't recognize it?

My Final Thought
How do we stop this cycle of addiction and attraction? What about our children? What are they see and hearing from us that they too, will pick up the traits of us, as the mother or father? How do we stop passing down these behaviors of codependence or alcoholism to children?

The argument may be made that alcoholism is hereditary. I am not so sure. I admit, there are strong pieces of evidence that this may be true.

But what about codependence? There is no correlation of a codependent gene or broken synaptic nerves in the brain.

Can We Break This Cycle?
Yes. I believe so. And I think it starts with us. By recognizing that we have old, deep seated beliefs in us, that aren't working and aren't helpful. And because they are programmed into our subconscious, they operate on auto-pilot. We react the same way. We do the same thing. We like the same people. And so on.

So, the first step is recognizing the pattern. Second step is reprogramming ourselves. Buy the books (Al-Anon, or other self help books on codependency or self help). Attend AA and Al-Anon, you will be absolutely impressed when you go in to these meetings now with this recognition. Then get a sponsor. My sponsor saved me several times over the past two months from repeating old behaviors that didn't work and helping me see this fact and helping me reprogram my self. This was something I did not believe ANYONE could help me with. Another is see a therapist who deals in alcohol abuse and knows Al-Anon.

A great book I have mentioned over and over is this book Beyond Positive Thinking, by Robert Anthony. He devotes the first three chapters explaining this and the remaining chapters on how to break it or reprogram yourself. He also talks about a Higher Self (aka Higher Power) and tapping into this source for help and guidance.

This is, my most important post.

My best for you today and the rest of your lives.

Getting Unstuck - Part 632

Lessons Learned: Getting Unstuck. Making a Decision. How to move forward. What to do when not in a crisis.

Let's start out with a question. You will see the meaning of this at the end of the post.
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Your house is on fire. You have the following choices;
1. Put it out yourself
2. Get out of the house yourself
3. Get the dog and child (or children) out first
4. Call the fire department
5. Put on your make-up/best clothes in case of Paparazzi
6. Get your best stuff you've accumulated and chuck it out the window

Hmmm.

I made up this psychological-therapy question myself. So if my therapist is reading this, this will cost you. My rates are rather high. In fact, you may need to see my rates before you consider borrowing this question.

What I would do. Easy. Get the child and dog out. No question.

If the fire was small, my answer would be the same, with exceptions;
1. I would try to put the fire out (I would go back in after the children and dog were out) and
2. Chuck stuff out the window that I thought was cool/or that I needed

My wife. She would;
1. Get out herself (choosing #2). No question.
2. She might remember to go back into the house and get the dog and child.


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Getting Unstuck
It's interesting, that Al-Anon has cost me virtually nothing in money. And I have learned so much for free here.

Last night we had a Men's Meeting. And I had a two hour session with my therapist (coach/counselor/teacher/shaman/spiritual guide).

The Men's Al-Anon Meeting was after the therapy session.
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As a side note: I called her my Sherpa yesterday. I meant no harm. I really meant Shaman. Then I looked up the definition this morning:

Shamans have the ability to;
1.) diagnose and cure human suffering and,
2.) in some societies, the ability to cause suffering.

[On another side note: I felt like yesterday we spent too much of my time and money on #2. My human suffering by the way.]

Where as; a Sherpa is defined as someone who carries loads at high altitudes.

Now I am confused. I think she is carrying my heavy load and we are traveling at high altitudes, somewhat spiritually. So, I think both terms are appropriate.
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OK - Back to Reality (or at least this post).
With the therapist, I spent most of the time venting (again). I took control of the meeting (I know you are reading this and thinking, ah, there's that control word and the thought you took control of the meeting is something else we will have to explore). I need for her to work on me or I am going to have a huge bill and not much but venting to show for it.

I also need to shut up and stop venting about my wife's non-recovery.

Who's Problem Is It?
At Al-Anon, what I learned about my wife's recovery and/or drinking, is that it is not my problem.

The Men's Al-Anon Meeting
At the men's meeting we talked about getting help by asking for it. I spoke when it was my turn. I spoke on how I got help for my daughter's schooling. It was slow going at first. And then three weeks later, trudging along through pools of peanut butter, things started to occur. The school had an after-hours program coming up. A neighbor helped me by asking a friend if her 12th grade daugher could teach my daugher. My daughter's school teacher asked around and got the name of a friend at school who was looking for part time work.

Asking for help does work. I am grateful for learning this. For I was stuck. And that is the topic of this post.

I am also grateful for being able to "unburden" my load at Al-Anon. The people there have been there, done that and they can immediately relate.

Getting Unstuck
When the house is on fire, that's a crisis. Everyone knows what to do. Get out. Now everyone may have a different order of things to do, like get dressed - if sleeping and the fire is not roaring and get some stuff out.

But even if the fire is roaring, I would knock down walls to get my daughter out.

In fact, and I am a little tired of hearing this analogy of when you are in a plane, and the plane depressurizes, and the oxygen masks fall down, you are supposed to put it on yourself first and then help your children.

The metaphor/analogy, is you have to get well first before you help someone else. But in this scenario, I would probably put the oxygen mask on her first. While I type this, I know this is stupid talk. But it's true.

So, in a crisis, we are not stuck.
In a crisis, you can see clearly your priorities. What is important to you. So you are not stuck.

But when not in a crisis, it is easy to become stuck. There's a big long task in front of us. Or a lot of pain. And we have to work through it to get to the end of it. The problem with this kind of "slow boil crisis" - as I call it - is that there is no sense of urgency. There is no prioritization. There are no "steps to take" or actions to perform. And there is no fire department to call.

Reread that paragraph again before proceeding forward.

Did You Really Reread it?
In a slow-boil-crisis, we are simmering. I will not use the boiling frog analogy. (Oh yes I will, just did).

Do you see what happens in a real urgent crisis reader? Do you see what doesn't happen in a slow-boil-crisis?

No?

OK.

In a crisis, like a house on fire, we have the following things we have pre-thought or thought through:

1. An escape route.
2. What we would do: Who we would get out. What article of clothing we would like to save or jewelry. Or cars to back out of the house. (you have too thought about this admit it)
3. Calling someone. Who's house we would run to and the fire department to call.
4. We even have fire extinguishers.
5. We have a sense of urgency - "Get out" is the call.
6. All of the above has a "decision tree" based on the size of the fire and where the fire is in the house.
7. We take action!

But what if there is no fire? What if you are in a "slow boil" crisis?
This is where we get stuck. The slow boil crisis is one where we don't have to do anything. We accept it. We become complacent. We hope it will go away. We have no sense of urgency. We sweep it under the rug.

But we know it won't go away. Really, in our heart of hearts, we know there is a problem we are not dealing with.

In a slow-boil-crisis, we don't take action. Until our hair is on fire. And then, we try to put it out with an ax.

So, what do we need to do? Here are several actions to make;
1. Define the problem clearly. Think of this huge problem we have. It can be any problem, actually. But defining it as accurately as you can will help you.
2. Think on paper. Do not use the laptop. Do not allow it to swirl in your head. Get it on paper. Think on paper. Define the problem clearly on paper. Define everything on paper. There is magic between the pen, hand, arm and brain.
3. Chunk the problem. Salami slice the problem. Chunk the problem up into rational parts. Some parts are separate problems, that are not really related to the problem or are separate problems to be dealt with later.
4. Prioritize the issues. Which one is more important? Then, ask, which ones can we solve now? Prioritize problems/issues and potential solutions. (again, on paper)
5. Focus on Yourself. What are all the things we can possibly do to help ourselves?
6. Have "experts" to call. Like the fire department, you have to call in help. In an emotional crisis, you have to seek outside guidance. Al-Anon has people who have your same issue so they understand. Get a sponsor. Or a therapist. If not related to alcohol and it's related to work, get a mentor. Ask someone to be your coach when you are having and facing problems at work. It can be someone in the office or outside your office (choose someone wise and not someone who will coddle you).
7. Create a sense of urgency. Create a list of things to do. But time bound each activity on the list. And stick to the dates of WHEN you are going to get each action done.
8. Take action. Take action. Take action. Even if it is a phone call, make it. If it is a walk or jog you have to tale at noon instead of eating lunch, do it. Like Nike says, Just Do It!
9. Don't get hung up on perfect. Perfect is not your friend. Know that less than 50% of any decision is right the first time. What people do is they correct the decision they made or adjust it as they receive feedback from the decision activity. They "self-correct" and the decision becomes right over time and with adjustment.
10. Review your Plan. Review it often, once a day, once a week. And review it with your sponsor.

A Short Blog Post This Morning

I posted today's blog post last night. You will see it below this post.

I wanted to post something someone said at an Al-Anon meeting Sunday. It's about God (or if you prefer, your Higher Power).

Here is what a woman who is going through a crisis said, and it's worth writing down and remembering.

"God is as close as your breath."

Positive From Negative - Al-Anon Post

(Revised 4PM Monday)
Al-Anon Step 1 work. This weekend I hosted an Al-Anon Meeting that I attend regularly. This made for a record breaking 6 Al-Anon meetings in one week for me. And this is from a person who said, "Couldn't stand the meetings." (Ha!)

I talked about my situation and how I was going to make a "bad" decision or "bad" situation not created by me or my daughter and how to turn it into a good situation. In other words, take something bad and outside of our control and create into something good.

Background and Catch-Up
I spoke of how my wife took off to the lake/mountains while not really considering the consequences of her actions, by not asking my opinion, not telling us how long she would be gone, what time she was leaving and what time she would be back. As you recall from last week's blog posts I was pretty unhappy. I did gain my equilibrium around Tuesday by blogging, hearing from you all, and attending Al-Anon meetings.

So my action to make this a "good thing" was to try and figure out how to spend more time with my daughter. So I looked into going to taking a trip, but wound up going out to a nice dinner at a world famous restaurant (alright may in my world - it was world famous). I was taking my daughter and her friends out to dinner and have a great time.

The Al-Anon Talk
As part of my talk I created a PowerPoint document as a handout. It represents all of the major negative issues we face as family members of alcoholism. And it represents all the positive things we can do to influence our lives (note: I do not say "the alcoholic's life).

To view the diagram . . . . . ----> Click here to view diagram

Someone suggested I publish the talk and diagram in Forum, Al-Anon's magazine that comes out once a month. The conversation started off with, "Joe, I want to talk to you about this diagram." Instantly, fear walked into my mind, conjuring up an image that the Al-Anon police were going to say something about the PowerPoint diagram saying, "It wasn't Al-Anon approved." And of course she would have been right. It's just that I respect this person and did not want to get on a "black list." I fear rejection. Interesting that I am still dealing with this. Then there is a part of me that says, "Screw it." And I do it anyway. Probably some psycho-analysis is needed here for these two divergent and opposing thoughts.

Anyway, she said, "You really ought to consider getting this published in Forum. They could use material like this. I have been trying to condense some of the princples in Al-Anon and this chart helps quite a bit."

So my fear was not even close to appearing real.

Anyway, I will try to explain what the PowerPoint diagram actually depicts. And before I do, I must tell you there are no short cuts. This diagram just represents to me - one thing - we need to work on ourselves and not allow our minds to drift to the negative, as it is so easy for this to happen in the environment in which we live.

The Al-Anon Talk
On the left hand side is where our mind may tend to go and actually live - The Negative Thinking side.

Before I went into describing the diagram, I read from two of the Al-Anon books, as a set up and where a lot of my information is derived. Here are the passages.

From the book "How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics" p32.

. . . "We don't realize that, by playing our part, we actually contribute to sustaining the disease of alcoholism. We may serve as enabler, rescuing the alcoholic from unpleasant consequences of his or her own making. Or we may play the victim, unwillingly stepping in and covering for the alcoholic who is too drunk or hung over to fulfill job or family responsibilities.

CHANGING THE PART WE PLAY IN THE FAMILY DISEASE (heading)
. . . "By recovering from the effects of the disease, we become able to stop playing our part in the family disease. The balance is disrupted. Suddenly it is no longer comfortable for the the alcoholic."

From the book "Hope for Today"
I am doing this from memory, as I do not have the book in front of me. So this is my interpretation. The actual page it is from is page 47 (earlier I said page 99 - not even close);

"We go into our mind, and pass through neighborhoods that are bad, neighborhoods where we should not pass through alone, for we know what these neighborhoods look like because we have been there many times before with poor results.

"This is a time for us to call our sponsor, an Al-Anon friend, read Al-Anon literature, meditate."

The PowerPoint Diagram Explained:
What I am depicting is a representation of where our mind can lead us, and how controlling people, situations and things are outside of our control. And control may be or lead to the factors under "Negative Thinking" - while there are accelerants that continue to harm us and harm us faster as noted under the heading "Feeding Negativity."

You will also notice that the Negative Thinking diagram is a dashed line, representing things "oozing out," like a wound (sorry - that is graphic - it is not what I said by the way).

While under the Reframe which leads to Positive Thinking, the focus is on ourselves and what we really can control, and how focusing on this side actually makes us better. This therefore can disrupt the cycle of addiction - or at least keep us from adding fuel to the addiction and the chaos.

The line around this diagram is solid. It is about keeping the work focused on ourselves. Making it an "inside job." This is not to say we should isolate ourselves.

In this case, it is "all about us." For once. Focus on ourselves. Work on us. It is important to know we matter.

The End. And We All Lived Happy, Normal Lives

OK. That was sarcastic. I need to read more.

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More Stuff and Thoughts

Under Miscellaneous
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A little humor:
By the way, what if we had bumper stickers made up, with "Stop the Drama" printed up on them? Would others "get it?"

Under the category: Do you think country singers are codependent?

Here's a song title that says it all : "The worst you ever gave me, was the best I ever had."

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Our On-Line Al-Anon Weekend Meeting
This weekend's meeting on-line was another smash hit, with user viewing count hovering again at just under 300!

Our Thanks to Catherine for the Finances & Money topic. I learned a lot and saw myself in the comments of many people. Please take a look at this and any one of the other meetings we held on-line for the past several weeks.

You can view this meeting and others by going to the Right Hand side of this blog and look under Past On-Line Meetings. There you will find the dates and the subjects covered.

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My Personal Note To You (& Me):Realize many of us are in pain, for many different reasons. Some of us have been neglected. Some of us have been unloved. Some of us have been abused. Some of us are living in chaos and crisis. Some of us do not know how we are going to make it to the next day. We've all been there in one form or another.


But here are a couple of key points I wish to make:The alcoholic can make you feel like you are the rotten one - the bad person. Here is what a counselor told me one day, and it has stuck in my mind and I think it is appropriate for all of us in our situation, for we all feel shame and blame, but here are his words, exactly:

"You are not an evil one."

I don't use this to blame my spouse, but only to remember that this disease is hideous. There is a saying used by psychologists; "Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling and powerful."

Actually the term comes from AA directly from The Big Book. Near the start of chapter 5 (page 58 ) it says "Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful."

Remember, you are not to blame. And you are not the cause. And you cannot change it nor cure it.

Al-Ateen Meeting

This post is about Al-Ateen and my daughter.

As you know from reading this blog, my wife left with her buddies for an out of town road trip. These are her ol'buddies, and every year, for the past few years they go together to escape the harrowing lives they live of playing tennis and coordinating house cleaners. They must get together to commiserate their intolerable situations, and drink to forget and decrease the amount of stress in their highly stressful lives.

OKAY. That was sarcastic as hell.

I am setting myself up to be the victim. Isn't Al-Anon great? (no sarcasm here). I am going to leave that little snit up there at the top of this post however, to demonstrate that I am still a little (or a lot?) resentful that my wife refuses to try to participate in reality. Well, what Al-Anon has taught me, is this; That's her life and I cannot control it. (Damn Al-Anon, again ;-) )

Al-Ateen Meeting
First, we did not go out of twon. (As you may recall from last week, earlier this week, I was trying to do something fun, since wife decided without seeing if it was convenient for us, that she was going to the lake/mountains two weeks after her rehab program was complete (which by the way she was drinking through the entire time - it was outpatient rehab not inpatient).

I thought about going pretty hard. In the end, I thought that I might be pampering my daughter if we did this. She said, later, that she wanted to stay home and take care of the dog and be with her friend. I must admit this too: I also have a problem spending money, even though we have enough. It is a carry-over from childhood. But I had decided to SPEND away! I am realizing "who cares" about money if you have happiness. (Damn.)

Also, I was able to find an Al-Ateen meeting at a decent hour (6:30PM). Traveling out of town would have put this meeting in jeopardy.

So I picked my daughter up from her school and had an early dinner. And drove up to the meeting. We got caught in 5 o'clock traffic.

Lesson Learned: Never allow child to go back for a Caffeine-Free Diet Coke refill and not expect to stop along the way. (We stopped three times in 25 minutes. You may remember my post Monday when I was pissed that my wife had her cell phone turned off while she was playing tennis and the school nurse tried to reach her and she wasn't able to take the call).

So we went. I was nervous. She (daughter) wasn't. Daughter is 10. Meeting room in back of a church. It was a new meeting. A man and a women "audit" and "run" the meeting. The meeting is new, but had 12 children show up! 12! I think it is in it's 5th or 6th week. Since it's for teens, they will break up meeting into two (2) groups. One group for 9 to 12 year olds. And second group of 13 to 16 year olds.

I went to the Al-Anon meeting in the building right next door.

My daughter was a strange type of peaceful when we left our respective meeting. She was peace and very aware yesterday afternoon when I picked her up and we had dinner. She was laughing and talking - strangely - very fluently for a 10 year old - or very differently from what I have seen before [with her mom being there? maybe daughter felt the center of attention, since mom was not there? or felt center of attention and a little nervous since she knew she was going to a meeting?]

Some "By the Ways" or Some Things You Should Know About This
The first "by the way:" my daughter [I hate calling her that, but I feel if I introduce her name to this blog, I destroy or violate some sort of "rule" I have about the anonymity and sacredness of my daugher, so I apologize for the clunkiness of the term, "my daughter."], has wanted to go to a meeting and has expressed a very very strong desire to go to my meetings and meet all the people. She has said, "I want to know I am not alone." And she has said, "I want to talk to people about how I feel."

Some more by the ways;
I am going to take her to my "therapist" (coach/mentor/guide/teacher/counselor/serpa). My daughter has expressed interest in meeting this lady.

Another by the way; my wife expressed, very much, her doubts about Al-Ateen. She said that the "counselor" at her rehab said that he discouraged it. I confronted her (yes I know, I confronted alcoholism) on Wednesday morning, when she said this. I said, "What exactly did he (the counselor) say?" I got a "Hem and a haw and a maybe and a sorta." That night at Family Night (they allow us family members to attend forever, no matter if the addict goes clean and sober or if they relapse), I asked the counselor and he said, "That's good that your daughter goes." And also, by the way, so did my therapist (serpa/guide/life coach/mentor).

After Al-Ateen Meeting
When my daughter and I got home she started reading the literature - right there at the kitchen counter. She said I am going to make a folder and binder out of the material. I asked if she wanted to talk about what she saw and heard there. She told me just a little bit, that no one talked, they pass around a stuffed animal she said and the animal means you can talk to the animal or just pass. They read from some of the literature she said. Then she said (because I told her about anonymity and what goes on there stays there), and this is funny, "Daddy, this is my meeting. Will you tell me what went on in yours?" I said, "No. I can't." She laughed, and said, "See!!" We both started laughing. Like I said, it was a very strange, peaceful evening.

She wanted to call her mom (I started to put the word mom in quotes. Is that some sort of Freudian thing?). She did but her mother did not answer. That was weird. It was 8:50PM. But my daughter thought nothing of it, apparently or least she did not get upset. I suggested that she call her mom's friend. But daughter said, "No. That's ok. I want to read." (This the same friend of my wife's that I called to apologized to for telling her that she needed to go to Al-Anon to see what alcoholism is all about, since she is instrumental for taking my wife out of town with all her buddies.)

So, we went upstairs got ready for bed and she opened up the red Al-Ateen book. I showed her how to read it by going to the index and finding the topic or subject on what she may want to learn more about or what is bothering her.

So she went to bed/sleep a few moments later. But not before say this. "Daddy, I want to go back there next week, OK?" I said, "So you liked it?" "Yes daddy. I did." She said.

I now have a label for Al-Ateen.

This Weekend - Al-Anon Meeting -

Cath - do you still want to do this weekend's Online Al-Anon Meeting? About how money and financial issues became tools for control, symptoms of illness, etc.

To all - if you would like to sign-up for setting a topic up for the upcoming weekends, please post in the comments below. All you have to do is read/write from an Al-Anon book or write up a topic or issue that you would like to discuss.

THANKS

Addressing Some Questions Around Alcoholism

Al-Anon Books and Literature - About Alcoholism, Detachment, Is the Spouse to Blame? It never ceases to amaze me how these books and the words impact me every different time I pick them up.

There must be some people who wrote these books who we just absolutely brilliant.

Here are a few Quotes from the Book "How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics"

[Engaging - Why They Engage and What We Can Do]
P30 - "Recognizing Our Options" is the heading. [brackets are my words]
"Alcoholics act and family members and friends react. .... We react because we don't realize we have a choice. ..... if the alcoholic has one end of a rope, and we have the other end, and they give it a tug, we would tug back. It never occurs to us that we don't have to play [referring to the alcoholic's game]. What if we dropped the rope? There is no tug-of-war unless both players hang on to the rope ..... [envision this - dropping the rope. I get it. I am going one step further to make it fun. We drop the rope and the other team on the other side, all fall down! Remember that one?]

.....For example, some alcoholics feel guilty about their need to drink and find it easier to blame the drinking on someone else. Some alcoholics often provoke those around them, trying to start an argument or create a crisis. We who live with them tend to react to this provocation, arguing back, defending ourselves against unjust accusations, making accusations of our own. In the end the alcoholic gets what he is looking for, an excuse to drink. Dry or sober alcoholics use the same tactics to create a diversion so that every ones attention with be drawn away from the topic or situation with which they are comfortable. Dropping the rope means we recognize the behavior pattern and choose not to play the same part any more.

[Enabling] [not the heading] p32
....We don't realize that, by playing our part, we actually contribute to sustaining the disease of alcoholism. We may serve as the enabler, rescuing the alcoholic from unpleasant consequences of their own making. Or we may play the victim, unwillingly stepping in and covering for the alcoholic.

Changing The Part We Play In The Family Disease [Heading] p32
...the most helpful and most loving action any family member can take is to get help for ourselves. By recovering from the effects of this disease we become able to stop playing our part in the family disease. The balance is disrupted. Suddenly it is no longer so comfortable for the alcoholic.

p33
We cannot make choices for other people, even those most important to us. We are not gods, and we can't truly know what is best for anyone else, no matter how obvious a particular course of action may seem to us at the time. Most of us had to hit a "bottom" in personal agony, before we were ready to make real changes in our lives.

Men's Al-Anon Meeting

This meeting was on the Al-Anon 3rd Step. It was ad-hoc, as there was not someone who prepared for the meeting. But as in all things good, and non-judgemental, it was a resounding success.

There were about 10 men there. All of us a various stages in life and with Al-Anon.

I cannot explain how impressed I am with some of the members and how what one might call them, "wicked smart." I know I do. Their voices were voices of helpfulness, centeredness and all good.

We talked about God. I struggled with the concept of a God for much of my life. I learned later in life, or have come to believe, that there is "something" out there. It was a can be a "higher consciousness" or a "Power" greater than us all. The Al-Anon program has helped me understand this more clearly and consciously.

The meeting turned to the subject of "control" and "letting go." And this letting go meant not trying to understand why people do certain things. Again, as I pointed out in Monday's post, about how a meeting can turn, based upon what you speak about or how you say something, I found this same experience holing true last night. When I spoke about my feelings about a HP and the issue of my wife heading off to the lake and not even thinking to ask us, the next people that spoke, while they didn't speak at me, spoke about their experiences, and how similar they were, yet different, - but also what they did, wished they did do or not do, all based upon their learnings and more years of experience in Al-Anon. Of course, I could relate their situations to mine immediately.

I came to the conclusion, last night, that I was trying to control my wife, perhaps in a strange sorta way, from going to the lake/mountains and it is not my right to do so. I am having a hard time with this concept intellectually and emotionally. I understand the concept, but when someone wants to dive off a building, or a cliff, do you not let them go? Maybe this an extreme argument, justifying my position. Yes. Of course it is. She is heading off to the lake/mountains with friends who will be drinking. Not a cliff. But maybe a cliff in the drinking world, but not a cliff in real life.

What I have decided after last night, is it is God's will for this to happen. I cannot change it or control it. I am working Step 1; I am powerless over the situation. And my mind has become unmanageable about it. I resent the thought that no one asked me if I had plans. But that is the unmanageable showing up, based upon someone else's decision.

I am focusing on myself. And that was another key message last night.

I think I am going to use my energies of worry, doubt and fear and use these energies on how I can improve myself.
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We had dinner last night, and one of the gentlemen who spoke right after me spent time explaining his life and what happened to him. I saw him at several meetings before and he has a certain peace about him. [A "Certain Peace." I like that term.] He said he gave up trying to figure everyone and everything out. Peace. I am not sure how you do that.
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Last night, before the meeting, I completed my apologies for having accused others of enabling my wife and allowing her to go to the lake house. It was a reaction when I accused them, covering up hurt from a sense of uncaring. This may be borderline rationalization and justification when I make that statement. But I make it and I judge my words, perhaps too harshly, perhaps right on target. I am not sure now. I am only sure about work, it seems.

Footnote
If you come across this blog, you will find a grown man, a sometimes irreverent man, a pissed off man, a hurt man, one who will come out on the other side of this better in some ways, and different in others. Maybe not what I expected of where I thought this life was going, but I really had no plan or vision of what my future would look like, in truth. Maybe this is forcing me to think about where I REALLY want to end up. And really what matters.

Matching Childhood with Today

AA and Al-Anon - marriages? What if we are matching today, with what we learned growing up? What if we know that this is NOT what we are supposed to do, but cannot help it?

Are we attempting to match subconsciously to bring into existence what we learned as a child, when these were the height of our imprinting years?

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When I was younger, I used to wonder why some of the nicest and prettiest girls hung out/dated the jerks.

I now realize after some analysis and therapy, that we try to "match" ourselves with what we saw in the home. What we grew up with, in other words. The "matching" was what we knew, experienced, thought was "normal."

Somewhere, in the recesses of our minds we felt inadequate, undeserving, controlled, hurt, frightened - or whatever.

Think about this for a moment. This is a hard pill to swallow.

I did so much work on myself, but never with a therapist or with Al-Anon.

Digression
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I told my therapist I disliked the word "therapist." Of course she asked, "Why?" What a powerful word, this word "Why?" You have to answer. And every single time, you have to explain why. So simple. So revealing.

I said, "it was a word we laughed about in movies or TV shows for people who couldn't deal with reality." Now I am one. So she said, "Use the word, "coach," if it works better for you."

Great. That's another $130. As Robert Anthony said, "A therapist is an expensive friend."
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What if we get out of one relationship that is faulty, only to find ourselves looking for a person who matches our subconscious beliefs we grew up with. That is, we go back to the same type of person again?

My personal experience: I was dating two girls. This one was drunk most of the time. Called me in the middle of the night, drunk of course. Drank wine at dinner - Chardonney - and had bottles of it all the time in her refridgerator. Both girls were 22 at the time. One was havoc. The other peaceful and gentle. Attractive - yes - very. The one who drank the wine, knocked a three-masted sailing ship off my fireplace mantle. A ship I built by hand. Knocked it off on purpose. Said, "Oooops." It crashed to the floor. Broke of course.

I got pissed off but did not do anything. Probably more hurt than anything when she explained, "I just didn't like that ship." I cannot remember what I did or said, except I didn't want to "offend" her. Excuse me, did you just type that?

The other girl. I think she had a mom who was drugging and/or drinking. Her parents were divorced. She "lived" with her father and step mother and children. I met her mother once, but I remember something about it as being an "addict" of some sort. I was naive then. Still am. I know only about an "inch" in a mile's worth of data. But in that inch, is a lot of info I never had before.

So, I may have had two girls with situations. But because one was more chaotic and obnoxious, and I knew that this one was a little "crazy" or bizzare - I wind up marrying her. It was at a time where I had just begun to find "peace, joy, and serenity." I had this certain "calm" over me and my thoughts. I had this sense of fulfillment and forgiveness. I was hard working, yes, but still this empathy for life and the world.

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So, I am sitting here this morning typing at 5AM. Asking myself, "Well how did I get here?"

And, "What do I do now?" Unfortunately one question is irrelevant. Although, I have to see what map I used so I can burn it and never use it again. The irrelevant question is from the Talking Heads. It is the cheapest therapy analysis I have ever recieved.

But the pertinent question is; "What do I do now?"

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I added this a day later. I miss my wife. I used to be able to ask her questions like this. But I never really got a really heart felt response. I didn't know it at the time, that she was drinking. I felt like I didn't exist in her world. It's been like this a long time, the "I didn't exist in her world." I was in denial of this pain. I knew it, but I wouldn't face it squarely. I am still in denial to a large extent.

A Character Defect?

"A character defect?" is the title of this post. It is probably better to write "What Can Be A Character Defect?" I read in the Al-Anon book, "Hope for Today" the other night a great passage. And I want to share it with you.

As we all know by now, Al-Anon is for us. The people who are affected by alcoholism. But I believe Al-Anon could be useful for anyone, even those unaffected by alcoholism. For the right meeting is about just good living tools - practical guidelines, that not everyone received growing up.

My Program
I am working on Step 1. Step 1 is about admitting your life in unmanagable because of alcohol. It says very specifically, alcohol - not the alcoholic - not the person.

Step 1 is a hard one for me. It says, "I am powerless." This is hard for me, because it means I have to surrender. I am not a quitter. But everytime I fight the alcoholic - I am really fighting alcohol. When I realize this I am OK.

When you want to fight with the alcholic because he or she acts arrogant and smug, we become locked into a "death dance." We are actually feeding the alcohol and the disease. It is making the alcohol stronger and more righteous. It makes us angry and frustrated. Do you understand this?

Our best defense or offense is to say "We are powerless over alcohol." And therefore not feed it. We - that means you, Joseph - must realize that we have to not address her or the alcohol. Right now we have to remember we are powerless over alcohol.

So, back to the passage. If you go to the index in this book - or any Al-Anon book, (like the labels to the below and to the right, on this Blog) you can find all the readings and issues to help you get over the moment or issue you are struggling with.

So, I go to the index and look for about "Powerlessness." I go to page 59, where I find a great reading. The passage goes like this, and these are my words how I interpret them;

"As a child [or a spouse] of an alcoholic, I was powerless over the criticism [or conflict] Note: my words are in brackets.

To survive this upbringing I had to develop defenses. When I no longer needed these defenses, these defenses became character defects.

As an adult, I was still powerless over the effects of my father's [spouse's] abuse.

It was the effects of alcoholism over which I was powerless!

The awareness helped me take my first step. I realized that my father [spouse] had been just as powerless over his alcoholic father as I had been over him. When my father was a little boy, he didn't say, 'When I grow up, I want to be an alcoholic.' This understanding and insight brought me compassion and forgiveness for my father [spouse]."

This makes sense. What if the crap I learned to shield my self-esteem fighting with alcoholism have become a habit that is now holding me back? They have in essence become "character defects."

This is why I think Al-Anon is good for me. I like insightful things that I haven't considered, even though they are so intuitively obvious now that I have read it.

I must take action to correct these things. The good news is this; that all Al-Anon members are working the same issues. And they support you in getting these things fixed. The key is within you.