A Note I Made To Myself

I reread this from a course I took that the county mandated all people going through a divorce take. The note I made in my notebook was startling when I heard it and so I captured it on paper.

I reread it this weekend - about 6 months after I wrote it down. It says a lot. I am afraid it says a lot about me. It does not reference alcoholism, but it is, I believe, germane.

Here is the sentence I captured;

"The pathologically tolerant person looks for a controller who has an addiction."

Interesting and revealing. I am hoping that I am not looking for a controller anymore. I notice I am tolerant, but I am not sure where the tolerance boundary lies. Does it lie in accepting to go out to eat anywhere - because I really don't care what I eat? Does it mean I put up with people being late? Or people not expressing their love for me? How far does tolerance go?

There is one more sentence - a bullet point I captured right below this sentence. I didn't see it this weekend. Here it is;

"The controller has no clue how he affects others. He is narcissistic."

Your Prayers Helped Me Through . . .

Everything and I mean everything turned out VERY well.

My prayers have been answered.

My wife denied being an alcoholic on the stand. And there is more. It was very painful to listen to her deny everything and anything about her disease. The disease was in the courtroom yesterday in full bloom. Lying, covering up and deceiving. It was very obvious. Her friends and her family heard it there for the first time and now they know why I filed and that I am not an overly protective father.

I do not have time right now to tell you everything, as I have some things to do. But I went to bed with a smile on my face and woke up in the middle of the night with a smile instead of the usual cold sweat and pit in the stomach.

The judge - my fear was she would not understand alcoholism.

She told us all in the end, that this is a terrible disease and that my wife - soon to be ex - was in denial. She told us how her mother was an alcoholic and that she committed suicide and how the alcoholism affect her (the judge) and everyone in her family.

I was truly blessed and I am grateful.

I will be posting here on this blog for a long time. For I am still impacted by alcoholism and I will still be going to Al-Anon.

God Bless you all.

PS - I will see you tomorrow for the weekend Al-Anon online blog.

Do I Think? Or Is It Just Happening To Me?

Do I think? Or does thinking just happen?

We all have a little voice going on in our head. Sometimes the little voice runs rampant, depending on the circumstances. Many of us allow the little voice to run around shouting words of fear, anger, worry, pain, and the like. It runs around as naturally as blood circulates in our veins. "It just happens."

Control
In Al-Anon, I have learned that much of the program is "quieting" that little voice or controlling the voice and thought patterns. I hate the word control word now, but I really think the word is a great word in reality, but we can "CONTROL" the voice in our heads.

Obviously, "control" has negative connotations - because we are called "control freaks" and "controlling." I want to say this, about that . . .

Control is a natural outgrowth and coping tool in the chaotic environment we live in, with active alcoholism or inactive. So, first don't allow yourself to feel guilty about this. It is okay to have been controlling. Unfortunately, it slipped into other areas of our lives, and it slipped into areas where we really have no control over. In Al-Anon we learn to recognize this and we learn that it frustrates our relationships, dampens growth in others, and we learn it actually hurts us. It gives us a false sense of self. But . . .

We can control the voice in our head. And we should try!!

Our mind is conditioned by the past. our past is how we were brought up; religion, political party, our thoughts and beliefs about money, sex, people, race, where to live, how to live, cars to buy, clothes to where, hair cut to get, food to eat, food to cook, places to eat, and so on. Can you see and think back to where we got the silliest of ideas and notions?

The Toilet Paper Example (I have your attention don't I?)
These thoughts and previous programming comes even right down to which side of to the toilet paper we hang on the bathroom wall? You know, with the end or beginning of the roll facing toward the wall or away from the wall. Would you believe that I an away from the wall hanger of toilet paper, whereas my qualifier is an in/toward the wall hanger and we EVEN had a discussion that I should hang it her way! AND to tell you the truth I DID! Because it was SO important to her! I laugh now. But, think about our crazy habits and conditioning. We all have them!

So, because our mind is conditioned and conditioned means "habit" to a large degree, we tend to reenact the past again and again. EVEN when we know the desired effects are not possible and the typical effects of the past behavior and thoughts are or can be disastrous! So why not learn to control your mind (or your thoughts)? The term of reenacting the past is called "karma." You know it from Eastern religion/ or philosophy.

Identification With The Voice
We are identifying with the "voice." And often the "voice" is someone we have learned or know to dislike! For example: the voice may be one of our parents. What they said to us when we were small. We now know it is wrong. But we have replayed their "voice" and their "words" in our head for so long that the words are automatic and!!!! - devastating. It can be a voice from a past boss we didn't like. Or a past "friend" who "evaluated" us, and although we knew it (whatever they said, to be untrue, we learned to replay the words over and over again, until we started acting it out. Here are some ideas that might be floating around in your head:

1. You never finish anything you do.
2. You can't cook.
3. Look what you've made me do!
4. How come you can't do anything right?
5. Why are you always late?
6. You're not the brightest bulb in the drawer.
7. How come John can do this and you can't?
8. You're just not good at math.
9. You can't sing (play sports, play an instrument, etc)
10. You're too old (too young, too . . .)

Get it?

But this voice, and these words, are NOT you! You have allowed them to BECOME you! You have allowed the voice to program you thoughts and control your thoughts and control your interactions with others! These are crazy voices - words that are UNTRUE. But because you BELIEVED them to be true, the words fit the patterns and you behaved in a manner fitting these words, and actions and interactions reinforced these words and made them believable, or more believable.

Does this make sense? Does this describe anyone you know?

Positive Affirmations
Would you like to change these patterns? Once you know this - "the past = the future" - you can change by interrupting the mind, and the words, and replace the old words with new words. You can do this by rearranging the words above - and AFFIRM the new positive behavior or thought;

1. I complete the projects and the things that are important to ME.
2. I can cook. I cook great meals.
3. I don't make anyone do anything. People do things on their on accord.
.
.
.

You get the idea? Positive affirmations are excellent.

Going to Al-Anon meetings and discussing the voices and words in our head enlightens us and reminds us that we are not the past. We are not the voice we hear. We can become, positive, more fully functioning human beings.

I hope you see and sense that we have extraordinary possibilities.

I am going to leave this post up a few days, as I think this is key to our recovery.

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Alcoholism In The Home

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Alcoholism In The Home
If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting.

The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 3/28/08 and runs to Sunday 3/30/08 evening.

Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

Have you ever tried to explain what it like to live in a home as a child or as a spouse in the home with active alcoholism - to someone who has never been in it?

Living in a home with an alcoholic is difficult to understand by people who are not living in it. I personally have tried to explain it therapists (who do not have training in addictions) and found that they have no clue. I have read where people who have commented on this blog talked to neighbors, friends and relatives and gave them solutions that mirrored something out of "Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus." Even one trained addiction specialist, who is a recovering alcoholic, suggested I read Dale Carnegie's "How To Win Friends and Influence People" because I assume, he was not now living with an active alcoholic.

People who are on the outside just do not understand what we live through. They may say, "It's in your head." Or they may say, "Have you read this book, listened to this CD or gone to couples church outing?"

It is a disease. There are neurological effects that lead to dementia, which can lead to learning, memory and behavioral disorders. But worse, it affects the entire family system.

Below are some terrible, but accurate passages about how it affects children and adults

The following passages are from the book, "From Survival To Recovery"
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"What is it like growing up in an alcoholic home? If you asked me a few years ago, I would have had to say, "I have no idea." My childhood was so painful that the only way I could survive was to block out the pain; I also blocked out the good. It was as if I had no life. When my family talked about events, I felt stupid because I couldn't remember them, and it frightened me that I couldn't remember. I couldn't feel, either. I was numb.

"What is it like? It's unremitting fear - fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of being known - a constant, nagging fear that never goes away.

"It's lonely. It's wanting so desperately to be a part, yet pushing people so far away I couldn't possibly be connected. It's isolating myself and then being the outsider looking in and never fitting in. I'm often ashamed. I'm afraid to lose the only people who say they love me. I'm afraid they won't come back, and then I'm afraid they will. It's confusing. People say they love me and then they hurt me. In my gut, I know something is wrong, but I'm told I overreact or I'm too sensitive. So I learn to not trust my instincts.

"It's being needy. It's being convinced I am loved and unlovable. It's needing to hear over and over, "You're wonderful!" yet never believing it. So I always need to hear it again, and it's still not enough. It's feeling that I am not enough. It's having to do for others so that I can earn their love, yet feeling that what I give is never enough."

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These are the voices of children and adults living in an alcoholic environment,

This is where we comment on the affects of what is happening in our homes or what has happened in our homes. And how can we try to tell someone who has never been through this?

Please comment on the topic or comment if you have a burning desire.

A Prisoner

A Prisoner. I heard this at the Family Night Rehab, from a man who was describing his life with his wife and her alcoholism. He was an ex-military person, who apparently spent some time in active combat.

A Prisoner. That's how I feel, or maybe felt. A Prisoner.

Not too many people - if any at all - can actually understand the feeling of living with an active alcoholic. Especially one that is angry, deceitful, lying and puts on a "show" to the outside world. No one will know how they can manipulate you, and make you lose self-confidence and self-esteem. Essentially, they make you feel inadequate, undeserving, unloved and often, like it (it = everything) is some how your fault. At least this is the words from some of the people from these meetings.

For someone reading this - who is not living with an active alcoholic - this may sound extreme. I can assure you - it is not.

Living with the alcoholic - even when I did not know she was drinking - somewhere deep inside, I was missing something. I look back now and know it was the hidden drinking of alcohol by my wife that was affecting me. It was big and little behavior that was out of the norm that soon became "the norm" that threw me off. But I didn't know it back then.

The weird behavior was; the throwing out (purposely losing) diamond earrings, because they were, "too small." Or falling down in the center of a sidewalk, because she had too much too drink (I didn't know it then, because I didn't see her drinking). Or when she threw up one morning on a street, on a beautiful spring morning in a quaint southern town on the Atlantic Ocean with my friend and his wife looking at her going, "what the ?" The burning of food. The burning of pots. The late bills.

How in the world did you miss this? You dismissed it because when you inquired about it to someone you trusted, you got "dismissed" as being "controlling" or a "control freak" or that, "I am a little ditzey." So, you start to doubt yourself. Self-doubt . . . a killer of instinct and all good from within.

It's all clear now of course. How could I have missed this? But we do. How many stories have I heard from both men and women who have spouses that hid their drinking - so well, that no one even had a clue. Next thing we know, there is no escape. Because we have become too weak, too ashamed, too much self-esteem lost, to leave, to get unstuck.

Then one day, something happens. We say - "Stop."

Where and when do we say this? How do we get away. I can tell you, that only through getting out of the house, every day, and meeting with YOUR friends or better - Al-Anon Meetings. Only at Al-Anon Meetings is really where you find people who understand.

I have compassion for the alcoholic. I really do. I feel sorry for her. She is being controlled by a substance that is powerful. Except in our society we see alcohol as "alright." It the alcoholic's fault for not being able to control themselves. It's "just" 10% of the population who can't handle it. If it was cocaine, well then, that's another story.

But it's not just the 10%. It may be another 25% - because of the effects on the family. Maybe the number is larger. We have made drinking glamerous and popular. We have become connessiuers of beer, wine, and scotch. Isn't that sad, knowing what we now know? The general population has not a clue of how this is a dangerous drug.

Are we prisoners? That is my question to you this morning.

The Children of the Alcoholic Family

Outside the home, no one knows of the prison we live in. As mothers, and fathers, we know the feeling of being trapped. We know the gloom of the home of the raging alcoholic. We can take comfort in our tools we learn from Al-Anon. We can learn to detach, stop engaging, focus on ourselves.

But our children.

For them, it is a different matter. How can they possibly understand that something is wrong? How can they understand that mommy's and daddy's bickering and fighting is about one person trying to fix and control the chaos and other - the alcoholic - someone who has no control of what they are doing.

In fact, with the alcoholic, it is like dealing with two people. Except, you are mostly if not always dealing the alcoholism. Remember, "cunning, baffling and powerful."

Our children do not understand this. And we, if we grew up around it, we also did not understand. But we tried to cope (we didn't call it this). We were too young to learn real coping mechanisms. Often the alcoholic took it out on us. In some cases, the sober parent lashed out at us, only because of the frustration and not knowing who to turn to and how to relieve their frustrations and stress.

It is not called "the disease of the alcoholic." It is called and known as the "the disease of the family." It is unlike any other disease on earth. It affects the entire orbit of the family. The enitre family system. All the children and the grandparents and others who come in contact, were and are extremely affected, without their even knowing it.

I read to you from the book, From Survival to Recovery, an Al-Anon book. I was asked to chair the meeting Sunday, and was asked to find something in this book. So I did. I never had such a response from a group of grown men and women before. Every one of the people were moved. And they spoke up, so candidly, about the affect the alcoholic and the alcoholism played on them or their children.

Here are the passages I read this past Sunday, written by those who struggled in the home as children; (from page 14)

In the alcoholic family, the need and demands of the alcoholic frequently dominate all other needs. Preoccupied with the alcoholic, the other family members may be too exhausted, irritated, or overwhelmed to provide for the children;s needs as well. Some children try to help their families cope by being quiet, good, and asking for nothing. While mastering the art of disappearing into a remote part of the house, or going to a friend's home, or becoming invisible in the midst of a crowd, those of us who "got lost" also lost a sense of self and the belief that our own needs had any validity. Some of us became human chameleons who changed our personalities to fit whatever social and personal environment we encountered.

Growing up with the chaos and unpredictability created by alcoholism cause many of us to mask our confusion, anger, and shame by trying to be perfect. To prove to ourselves and the world that there was nothing wrong with us or our families, we scrambled hard in school to get straight A's, or work feverishly at home to keep everything neat and tidy. We became star athletes, artists, corporation leaders, humanitarians, and outstanding citizens. Inside, however, we feel driven, terrified by failure unable to relax or play, and lonely. Toward less responsible people who seem to make our efforts at perfection harder, we often became self-righteous and angry. Convinced that something terrible will happen if we lose control, we run ourselves ragged trying to take charge of everything and never know how much is enough. Until we begin to recover, many of us are trapped in a compulsive need to give more, love more and do more.

Now I skip to page 17 in the same book.

Each member of an alcoholic family tries to adjust to the problem in his or her own way. Our adjustments depend on our situation in the family (whether we are a spouse, sibling, child, relative) and on our individual emotional temperaments. We have in common the tendency to keep changing ourselves to try to fix something that is not in our power to fix, someone else's alcoholism.

I add these words, to the final sentence instead of "someone else's alcoholism" - "that we did not cause, cannot change and cannot and should not take responsibility for. We are not responsible."

I think about that passage as it relates to my daughter.

St Patrick's Day

Today is St Patrick's Day. In days gone by, this would have been a day of celebration. It would include seeing if we could get to a parade in some town and drinking beer.

Today, however, it strikes a little fear in my heart. I am not sure what to make of this St Patty's Day any more. I have come to fear alcohol and it's addiction. I have seen it hurt people very close to me. As I go to Al-Anon, I see husbands and wives, fathers and mothers, sons and daughters, still struggling to become people and determine what is right and what is wrong in life that they couldn't get when they were growing up.

I have stopped drinking. I stopped almost a year ago. For in one of the Al-Anon pieces of literature it states that Al-Anon has no opinion on whether the person attending Al-Anon drinks or not.

But does state, "'But for the Grace of God,' we could be alcoholics, too."

I share this sentiment. I was a Family Night Rehab program one evening when this one woman said, "My father was an alcoholic. I ran away from home. Then I married an alcoholic. I divorced him. Then I became an alcoholic and then I found myself here."

Addressing Some Questions Around Alcoholism

Al-Anon Books and Literature - About Alcoholism, Detachment, Is the Spouse to Blame? It never ceases to amaze me how these books and the words impact me every different time I pick them up.

There must be some people who wrote these books who we just absolutely brilliant.

Here are a few Quotes from the Book "How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics"

[Engaging - Why They Engage and What We Can Do]
P30 - "Recognizing Our Options" is the heading. [brackets are my words]
"Alcoholics act and family members and friends react. .... We react because we don't realize we have a choice. ..... if the alcoholic has one end of a rope, and we have the other end, and they give it a tug, we would tug back. It never occurs to us that we don't have to play [referring to the alcoholic's game]. What if we dropped the rope? There is no tug-of-war unless both players hang on to the rope ..... [envision this - dropping the rope. I get it. I am going one step further to make it fun. We drop the rope and the other team on the other side, all fall down! Remember that one?]

.....For example, some alcoholics feel guilty about their need to drink and find it easier to blame the drinking on someone else. Some alcoholics often provoke those around them, trying to start an argument or create a crisis. We who live with them tend to react to this provocation, arguing back, defending ourselves against unjust accusations, making accusations of our own. In the end the alcoholic gets what he is looking for, an excuse to drink. Dry or sober alcoholics use the same tactics to create a diversion so that every ones attention with be drawn away from the topic or situation with which they are comfortable. Dropping the rope means we recognize the behavior pattern and choose not to play the same part any more.

[Enabling] [not the heading] p32
....We don't realize that, by playing our part, we actually contribute to sustaining the disease of alcoholism. We may serve as the enabler, rescuing the alcoholic from unpleasant consequences of their own making. Or we may play the victim, unwillingly stepping in and covering for the alcoholic.

Changing The Part We Play In The Family Disease [Heading] p32
...the most helpful and most loving action any family member can take is to get help for ourselves. By recovering from the effects of this disease we become able to stop playing our part in the family disease. The balance is disrupted. Suddenly it is no longer so comfortable for the alcoholic.

p33
We cannot make choices for other people, even those most important to us. We are not gods, and we can't truly know what is best for anyone else, no matter how obvious a particular course of action may seem to us at the time. Most of us had to hit a "bottom" in personal agony, before we were ready to make real changes in our lives.

The Family Meeting

9:44 ET. After the The Family Meeting. The family meeting is for relative of the rehab patients. It is always interesting and provides something useful that I can figure into my daily life.

At the beginning of the meeting, when you sit down, a piece of paper is passed around - as a check-in sheet. There is a little box where you state your feelings. I put in there "On hold." When we began, I said, "If the box was bigger, I would also write "alone." He began writing and I asked him, "Did you write it." He said, "Yes. I fit in it." We laughed.

Tonight was a repeat of several Wednesday nights. The counselor wants me to say "I am angry."

He says, "So, you are angry?"
I say, "No. Not really. I am past that."
He goes, "So, you are pissed off?"
"No." I say.
"Outraged?!" He asks.
"No. I can't put my finger on the feeling." I say.

He has done this to me before. What is he trying to tell me? Am I going to blow? Am I in denial? Sure I am pissed off sometimes. But "pissed off" - like I wrote yesterday?

One of the women in the meeting volunteered "Fed up."

I think it is "fed up." I did agree to "fed up" just to get the show on the road, because I did not want to seem like I was playing a game with the counselor. I respect him. He is a good person. His seat is reserved in heaven. He is very good at what he does. I respect someone who is good at their craft. He has great questioning skills and turns the issue back into some objective point that the person can use, rather than just dumping a truck load of emotion on the floor. He basically says, "Now what are you going to do about it?" (or " . . . not do about it?").

Is it "fed up?" Maybe. Maybe I'm just not going to take it anymore.

I just want a clear picture of what the future will be. I am tired of my life being "On hold." Screw that. I want my life back. Why am I in the conundrum? It's like being a prisoner.

Worse, my child is affected by her mother who is MIA and does not have the nurturing skills most mothers have. I am both mother and father. And I have this person living in this house who is just in the way. She acts like she is helping to put on a good show. But that's deceitful. But that's how she is. If I think about her deceit - it does piss me off. I am angry when she tried to manipulate and decieve. She is uncaring. She just wants to be perceived by others that she is good and likable.

OK. When I talk about her, and the deceit, I am pissed off. I avoid talking about the elephant in the room. Maybe that's what the counselor meant. But why talk about her. Let's talk about something else.

So how's the weather? Or have you heard this one?

"The weather is here, wish you were fine." The story of my life. Good night.

Al-Anon Meeting: Men's Group Meeting

Al-Anon Men's Meeting: Yesterday I posted I would go to the Men’s Group on Tuesday night. In the past I was not able to go because my wife has an AA meeting on Tuesday night. I "sacrificed" me and my time for her and her time. It made perfect sense. I need her to get well; therefore, I want her to go to AA.

Wellllllllllllllllllll ..... I am so over that one! Let her work around my schedule. I am valuable too.

I decided, why sacrifice my calendar for her calendar?

Isn't that enabling and codependent?

I love and hate these words. They in some ways make me a prisoner by defining who I am at times according to someone's definition, whoever is defining them at the time - this is the hating the words part. My wife now uses them to put me in a box. As does, I am sorry to say, her counselor, whom I really like and has been of great help to me in setting boundaries etc. when I go to family night.

The love of words is that they sometimes enable me to see what I am doing to MYSELF as I define them. And they provide me with strength to do what I want to when I want to. Albeit - I don't do this enough [allow me to do what I want]. However, I am very wary that I am using these words as possible excuses in my behavior. I disdain people who don't take responsibility for their actions or inactions. And taking responsibility is very different than taking blame.

Yada, yada [I know I am rambling].

So, I digress. Back to the point. Or points.

Well I went to the Men’s Meeting. I was glad it was a small group. There were only 8 men there. [Another group I go to sometimes has 30 to 40 men there, and it's tough to talk and share].

It was a great meeting. We discussed the first step in Al-Anon. I heard a couple of things that really resonated with me. I will paraphrase what I recall;

1. Don't look back. And don't look forward. Just look down. Look where your feet are. Where are they? On the ground. Therefore, be where you are. Be in the present.
2. Why is it we are attracted to these women who have addictions? Why is it we can spot them across a crowded room? Several men have had several relationships with the Deja Vu thing occurring each and every time.
3. I was dating two women (I guess at the time it was “girls” way back then). One was really sweet, and very attractive. The other drank too much wine and created a lot of fighting and chaos. I had to make a choice. Not because I was told by both to decide which one to date, but because I thought it would be more fair to both of them [hear that Joe? You were not thinking of yourself, you were "sacrificing" again. Interesting - 15 years later, I see this clearly. What a discovery]. So I chose.... duh.... the one who provided "What I knew" - the chaos and fighting that I had grown up with.
4. I learned that the first step and this was worth the price of admission folks - was about how we are (I am) powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic. And the remaining 11 steps are really about gaining your (my) power back [but only through our HP and not forcing it].
5. We cursed a couple of times. And for some reason that felt good.
6. Personally I rambled. I make speeches and presentations all the time in my job. These presentations have to been around the world -to CEOs and executives. But at these meetings, I just ramble. I go from point to point to point to point. It's a wonder anyone can follow me.
7. I learned from someone after the meeting, as he was advising another man, that if you have to chose between resentment and guilt, chose guilt each time. Resentment will eat you up, he said. I need to talk to him again. This man had wisdom. But he was fighting his own demons, making him just one of us - humbled - very humbled to the effects of alcoholism in our families.
8. I learned here, that every one of us, has had almost the same experiences with the alcoholic.
9. I found that each man, in this meeting, was a kind and gentle man. All of us, were at one time, arrogant, angry, self-righteous, resentful, and could SLIP right back into that feeling and emotion and REACTION if it weren't for Al-Anon.
10. I think #9, was really worth the point of going last night on what would be considered - the other side of the world.
11. If there has to be an 11th point... I need to point back to number nine one more time. I could slip back into some of the uncontrollable behaviors I have / had at any moment; trying to fix things by taking over her responsibilities, sacraficing what I wanted to do to please her, and make my feelings subordinate to hers.
12. I now am building a list of men, whom I could call, when I feel lonely, and want a third party opinion. A list of men, who will not and I mean NOT allow me to say or do something that would affect my self-esteem after I "logically" have talked my self into saying something or doing something. I think this is pretty cool. You can't have the friends who can really give you advice, if they haven't had to deal with alcoholics.
13. This is a point (number 12 above) for you ladies/mothers/wives who are not going to Al-Anon. It allows you to build a support group. And I think we can ALL use a support group. We do feel guilty asking for help. But the people here - know you feel guilty - so they want to help you because they felt guilty asking for help at one time too.
14. THERE IS (was) absolutely NO judgment over anyone else at that meeting! WoW. I unloaded a couple of personal things I would never share, as did some other folks. And you know what I was told? "Thank you for sharing." "Thank you for being open with your emotions." Nice.
15. I am stopping here.

What do I want to say next? I know I had something to say. Now what was it?

I will come back later today, when I remember it.

On-line Al-Anon Meeting on: On Children

The effects of children living with alcoholism is the subject of this weekend's On-line Al-Anon Meeting. If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting. The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 2/1/08 and runs to Sunday 2/3/08 evening.

A Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

This is where we start. To get us started here is from Ashley. Thank You Ashley.

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Ashley; "On the topic of children, I found this reading in One Day at a Time (page 179). I don't have any of the alateen literature, but would love to hear from anyone who does.

"We who really try to use the Al-anon program have various reasons to be grateful as we see the results. This was one member's experience, which she told her friends at a meeting.

Her greatest difficulty concerned her children. "I never knew what to do about them when my husband came home drunk and disorderly. I felt they should be shielded from violence, yet overprotection wouldn't be good for them. I didn't want to influence them against their father; I knew he loved them, and they him."

"I found all the answers in Al-Anon. I made sensible explanations about their father's illness and found them naturally compassionate. I avoided scenes by not allowing my frustrations to erupt into anger. I tried hard to be consistent and fair to them. The results have been everything I hoped for, and I am so grateful to Al-Anon for this."

Today's Reminder
Our children are a first thing to consider first. Our attitude is the key to a successful family relationship -- and their normal growing up.

And above all, I never use the children as pawns in any conflicts. They respond so well to respect.

I've found that as I grow in Al-Anon recovery, my attitude towards my husband has changed significantly. Where before, our children would hear us arguing at all hours of the day or night, now they don't. They are happier, their parents are happier and all in all, their lives are much better.

One of the most difficult things that I had to accept is my own part in our arguments. Once I realized that my actions and reactions were a large part of our problems, I started to work on it. Things have improved tremendously in our household, which has only benefited the kids.

All that being said, my husband isn't violent when he drinks, he also doesn't drive so I've never really had to worry about either of those things. (He can get very angry when he drinks, but if I don't feed that by arguing back, it doesn't manifest).

I don't know if this helps anyone or not, but I can attest that my children are in a much better place mentally and spiritually since I started attending Al-Anon.
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Please Comment to add your ideas on what has worked for you; what you may be feeling on this subject. Or if you have a burning concern please apply your posts here

The Black Cloud of Alcoholic Chaos

REWRITTEN at 4PM ET Wednesday.
The black cloud of alcoholic chaos is when the household is embattled with alcoholism. Here is what happens, at least in my observations in meetings, in our home and my research. It may not fit your experience, but I will bet it comes close.

When the drinking reaches a certain stage for the alcoholic, it is the spouse of the family that is the first one to detect that alcohol may be an issue. It is seen in crazy behavior; missed appointments, calling in sick to work, hidden bottles, abusive language, a lack of responsibility, laziness, insecurity, etc.

We try to help by; keeping the appointments for the alcoholic, accepting the abusive behavior, making excuses, and so on. Soon the situation is unmanageable. But because it's a little bit over time, we barely notice we have accepted behavior we never would have accepted before, and because it's a little over time, we pick up the responsibilities of the alcoholic. The scenario is like the boiling frog in the pan story (I posted this frog story in another post in this blog somewhere).

Help for the alcoholic is almost everywhere. Unfortunately, help for the family is scarce. What we find is that the research, books and articles mostly focus on the behaviors of the alcoholic - (which we ALL read in hopes for us to fix the alcoholic - don't we?).

As the alcoholic's drinking increases, it becomes the primary focus of the alcoholics world. Perhaps even worse, it becomes a major, if not the major focus, of everyone else in the family.

We, as members of the family and other loved ones, are forced by the indirect controlling behaviors of the alcoholic to ignore our own needs. Often, we ignore the needs of our children, in order to keep the household functioning. We don't ignore the needs of our children purposely, but the attention in on the alcoholic. All eyes on his body language. We ask ourselves; "Is he in a good mood?" And, "How much has he had to drink?" And we all hide our feelings or adjust our own feelings and moods to suit his.

Further, we try to put on this facade to the outside world looking in. That is, we hide what is going on in our homes and present to the world that the household is functioning normally. We do this with child who may have to "overachieve" to compensate. This overachievement comes in good grades, star athelete or some other form. Another child might be humorous - the funny little guy, who vys for attention or throws the attention somewhere away from the home. Or the rebel, the child who starts cutting class, or drinks with his or her friends, or smokes pot.

But make no mistake about this. This black cloud places a huge burden on all of us in the family. The more we try to "keep up" the facade, the harder it becomes and bigger the burden we carry. As indiviuals, we put on a mask to hide our problem and our fears in public. In some cases, we avoid going out - we isolate ourslves to escape and cope.

We do not ask for help because we don't want to be found out, we are embarrassed in some cases, we don't think anyone can help us, we are not sure how they could help or could possibly understand. And we are too busy to ask for help, except in the form of help financially when the chips are down, or the bills stack up. May be we ask a neighbor to watch the children if we are lucky. But in the way of help - we are left to fend for ourselves. We are fighting a multi-headed dragon with cooked spagetti. (a bad analogy - but you get the drift)

What we may do is try to talk the alcoholic out of drinking. We try to "fix" the alcoholic. We appear to make progress. But then we are stymied. The world unravels when he or she doesn't show up when the promised, doesn't do what they agreed to, won't go to work, does what they want to when they want etc. They begin to develop this "screw you" attitude.

And whenever we think we are managing "it" all, (barely - we are barely hanging in there), we are thwarted by the unforeseen chaos of the alcoholic. It may come in the form of an unpaid bill, or a traffic ticket or accident, or falling down in the front yard.

And then we have the normal pressures of life. A child gets sick. A child fights in school. A child fails a couple of tests. A child is angry - going through puberty. And we begin to think - "Is this normal?" Or is the child's reactions (sickness, fighting, failing, anger) part of the reaction to what is going on in the house.

So, with the alcoholic focused on the drink, and focused on himself or herself - the pressure is building. And now, after a while - perhaps they hit their 40's or 50's, they slowly or quickly, start to disintegrate. They look old. Their face looks really bad.Their mental processes are not functioning. Their eyesight gets worse. They get RA. They get artheritus. Their body fat breaks down. They are angry most of the time. They are falling apart.

And we literally feel a sense of dread every time we walk back in the house. Especially when the alcoholic is there.

It's like a black cloud hangs over our house. It is in many ways - the house itself feels very heavy. You can feel the dread of everyone involved. It becomes very distressing.

It is - what I call "the chaos of alcoholism" and the ensuing "black cloud" on the home. And no one, but no one, can understand this pain and sickness. There is no judge, no court, no jury, no lawyer, social worker that could ever imagine the sickness going on in the house. You have to be there to feel it. And that's what has to happen. Spend a day or two here and you too know what is going on. It in entirely unmanageable. And incomprehensible.

Next post to this blog - what happens to our children and what roles do they tend to take?

Please provide your feedback. I would be grateful if you think I am accurate in my depiction or not.

Alcoholism and Our Dance with It

I feel compelled to write about our dance with alcoholism. On this post, I risk identifying who I am, a little bit, at least to those who know me from counselling where my wife is in outpatient rehab.

This will be a series. For there is too much information to provide in one post to this blog.

First let me make sure to all, I am like you. I may be a male, while you are a female. I may be a father, whereby you are a mother. I may be a husband, whereby you are a wife. I read a lot on this subject, perhaps too much. I am not a councillor. My knowledge only lies in my living it. I can write about it objectively. But at times, I suck at putting my knowledge into practice. My wife is my qualifier (what a strange word Al-Anon uses for the alcoholic in our lives). My father was also a drinker - I was raised by my mother - who is a SAINT - along with 3 brothers.

We all (my brothers) survived by the way. We are all very successful (success = good jobs, happy, nice looking, well meaning, courteous, etc). We do have our little issues, as I believe everyone does. I write this to provide hope to other moms and dads reading this. We are all scared - and I do mean scared, about the future and how this impacts our children. But I am convinced, we can all be OK in the end.

The counselling session that opened my eyes WIDE.

In one session at family night the therapist (and I will cut this down from an hour to 10 minutes), called a "volunteer" from the circle of 30 people (family members and alcoholics) to stand in the center of the circle (we all sit in chairs in a circle). Then we moved the circle to a "U" shape

This volunteer (A) was the alcoholic. He was placed and stood at the head of the open "U" shape in the front of the room. The therapist placed the volunteer (A) on a big phone book. "What does this represent? He asked. "Represents - he is not grounded." was the answer. Then the therapist placed a glass in the hands of (A).

A wife (or spouse) was called up - another volunteer (S = spouse). While (A) was facing us, (S) stood to his side, facing the alcoholic left side of his shoulder. This made her (S) looking at the (A) and the glass. (S) was standing right next to (A) - very close - eyes on (A) and the glass. Again - the (A) was looking out at us in the U pattern of chairs.

Note - try to visualize this for a second.

Now enter the first child. A volunteer was brought up representing a child. (By the way no children are in the room nor are they allowed - for they are too young.) Volunteer (C1) is the first born. The child was placed - guess where?

(C1) was placed behind mom or (S). This was the "perfect child." Usually first born. But facing mom's back. Helping mom or (S) maintain the household. Getting great grades, star in school. But still facing mom's back - who is looking at the alcoholic.

(I will place a diagram here - later)

Now introduce the rest of the children. C2 was out further in almost like an orbit, as was C3, and C4 (although C4 sat in a chair behind the three in. One child represented the child who acted out. Another was the "lost" child - usually last born who was (C4). The family was all doing it's "thing" to "keep the eyes on the alcoholic."

But the children were playing roles too. They wanted attention and were vying for it.

The message here - again - I risk doing this important example injustice - but this "orbit" and "eyes on the alcoholic and the other children playing supporting roles because of the alcoholic in the family was/is critical."

Breaking the "eyes on the alcoholic" and the dance - in which our entire family is affected - is what we must try to do. I am going to add, "in a loving kind way," for our children and, and this is important, for us too. You and I are important. AND you and I should never forget that or feel guilty for caring about ourselves. And, this is NOT selfishness. I learned this today - the part that you should love yourself and care for yourself - that this is not selfish.

I will show a diagram later - when I can - later this week.

I pray you all are well.

Your friend - Joe

PEACE!

PS - This post was written for me probably more than anyone else today.

10 Signs of Co-Dependency - How Are We Doing?

I have been studying co-dependency for a little while, and here is my list of ten (10).

Please comment back to add to this list.

1. You find yourself dropping things YOU have to do or want to do, only to do for others. This is a biggie. We do things for others at the expense of the things we want or have to.

2. We find ourselves in the role of a helper, too much, too often. We do things for others, when they should be doing it themselves.

Here's an example we can all relate to:
We are over a friend's house, and she is doing something, and we say, "Here let me help you with that." and soon we begin to take over, the other person "leaves" (they let go of the chore) emotionally or literally. All of a sudden, we find ourselves as "hired help" - except without the money. Worse, someone else gets the compliments for all the work we've done! Ever notice this one?

Or how about this one:
Have you ever been to an event, where the other person is supposed to be doing something and you jump into help? And the person literally "leaves" to do something they want to do - personally - for themselves and you are left "holding the bag?" You see them talking and laughing with others, and you? Where are you? Working your tail off.

3. We find ourselves busy, too busy, doing, doing, doing. We need to examine our "doing" list. What is a "doing" list? It's an inventory of what we have done today. Are there more things on the list we are doing that others should be doing for themselves?

4. We feel guilty - a lot of guilt or a twinge of guilt - if we take time out for ourselves at the expense of supporting others. Or even some guilt for taking time out for our well-being.

A lot of women feel this. It's one of the reasons they don't join support groups, (like Al-Anon) because they can't leave the kids with Grandma or Dad to go do something - because - we feel guilty or we think, we can't ask for help (men have the "Can't ask for help" problem).

5. We been to feel unsatisfied if we are not - busy, busy, busy. We find ourselves cooking, cleaning, picking kids up, volunteering, - to the point of chaos. We hold it "together" - but barely. But if things slow done, we feel guilty (there's that word again) or worse "used less" or . . . "useless."

6. We begin to feel resentful about doing for others, and them not doing the same.

We feel "unappreciated." This is a biggie for me! And it leads to resentment. Look at my resentment!

We feel, bad that we are not "accepted" or "complimented" or someone doesn't say "thank you" or you are "wonderful." We begin to measure ourselves by how people measure us. And this is how we begin to get "hooked" to wanting to be accepted by others through their compliments.

When we expect others and need others to say these things, we are getting some of our self-esteem from them.
What I mean here is; We only feel good about ourselves, when we are thought well of by others. Our value starts coming from others. And we set ourselves up for failure by doing this, because we will never always be perfect in someone else's eye.

Don't get me wrong, we all need to feel good about ourselves. It just needs to be inner directed, not outer dependent. That's why it's called "self-esteem" and not "other-esteem."

7. We feel a sense of worthlessness and anxiety. We feel a little more unsure of ourselves.

We feel anxious if the other person does not need us.

We feel anxious if the other person is doing something, and they are not doing it "right" (which is another way of saying; they are not doing it your way).

Here is a SHIFT in Thinking: The greatest gift we can give to others, especially our children and our qualifier, may be ...... -----> (here it comes ) ...... ----> letting them do it for themselves.

By allowing them to do it for themselves, they learn and start to feel their own self-esteem increase, where they begin to see they are not inept. May be, just may be, we are creating a cycle here. Let people fall every once in a while. (I'm not talking about going out naked in the front yard or jumping off the Grand Canyon.)

Yes, perhaps through our desire to help others, we begin to control, and we may make the other person feel inept. We do this by accident of course. But what if this is true?

What if, in our desire to help, we actually hinder their growth?

8. Do people expect you to do things? To the point, that when you don't, they are "Shocked"?

9. Do we wait to see the other person's mood, and our mood is dependent on their mood? Is our mood going to be adjusted based upon our qualifier's mood? If we are in a good mood, does our mood change when the addict's mood is bad? YIKERS!!!! This is BAD!! It doesn't even have to be our qualifier's mood. We have a friend, he's bummed. We adjust our feelings, so we don't make him feel worse. But, do we feel guilty for finally being happy?

10. Do we find ourselves, hunting for alcohol, looking to see where they hid it? Do we find ourselves, addicted to the other person's addiction?

• In otherwords, do we find our thoughts filled with the words; "What are they doing right now?" when they are gone.
• Do we find the words going through our brain; "Are they out there drinking?" (or doing whatever the addiction is)

Read the above list over again. We may have a co-dependent personality because we worked ourselves into the behavior and over time it has become our "normal." Or we may have seen this cycle of co-dependency in the house and family environment we grew up in.

PS - Helping is not bad. This is not what I am saying. Going to the other extreme of not helping and worrying only about one's self is selfish. But there is a heathly balance. This is why Al-Anon is available and it is for us.

Monday With Mom (continued)

Mom's departing advice. (See previous BLOG POST for more information and advice. You may recall, I came to visit mom while on a business trip. I am still here. Returning home today.)

Before I tell you the advice she gave me, you should know she spent over 30 years living with an alcoholic. We all grew up okay (whatever okay is today). My brother is a doctor (renown in his field), my brother is an entrepreneur (very successful), other brothers have good jobs, sister is writer and has full time job. All are "normal." I guess this is mom's resume and qualifications.

Here is the advice:
"Your main job is getting your daughter raised. Teach her what you know about things. Teach her how to run, read, study, get along with people and so on. Teach, teach, teach. And sometimes when she "doesn't want to" - you have to "force" her to do something." (I use the word "force" as I would "encourage" and "give no option". For example, get the tennis racket and go hit tennis balls, or teach her to stand correctly when hitting the balls. Or take her to the museum and "force" her to see things and experience things the TV or couch cannot provide. This is what I mean by "force." Just want to make sure you don't visualize me grabbing her and throwing her into a car!).

"Your wife ..." she went on to say ".....can only get better with her own doing. You cannot make her get better. So don't allow the family to be focused on the alcoholic by you becoming focused on the alcoholic. You can be supportive, but you must try to live your life as normally as possible so this can be a role model and example for her to live by."

Wow. This struck me hard this morning. I hope this helps you.

Best wishes

Monday - Mom's Diagnosis & Prescription

I am at mom's house. It is good to see mom. She knows what is happening in my life. She gives me advice. She cools my jets. She doesn't make me feel guilty. She puts things in perspective. She takes no sides. She is a doctor in many ways, like all mothers can be.

But I must be clear - she listens - she listens more than she prescribes. She does not condemn my wife. She does not take sides. I am also careful not to blame my wife and I do not pummel her reputation. She remembers my father and his drinking. She remembers what it did to her.

So, my mother and I sit at the kitchen table talking, remembering . . . , it's too hard too remember. Not because the memory is a distant past, it is hard to remember because - it was a painful childhood, that is buried. It is covered with dirt. I had buried the past. But now I am forced to remember.

I stop the conversation and get try to keep the past buried and apply what we - mother/wife, and son/oldest son, have learned.

• First of all, you, son are in control of how you respond. Remember son, you are responsible. Not in the sense of alcoholism. But in the sense of response-able. You have the ability to respond. And it is your ability to respond that can add or lessen the moment. Remember, you are response-able. I remember this from Stephen Covey's books. It's in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People or in Principled Centered Leadership. She also states, "Yes this is easy for me to say, now that I am not in it. I know it is hard. No one will ever know what it is like to be in the house of an alcoholic and understand the impact on the people (family specifically) around it."
• Second, I remember, what she told me growing up. It was simple, it was these words; "You can become anything you want to become." I did not understand what they meant at the time. But she was prodding me, pushing me, to have a better life than the kids I hung around with.
• Third, "Who cares what other people think." I remember this one because of the peer pressure of children and growing up. We all were concerned what other people thought of us and whether we were going to be liked. I think as children and still as adults, we care sometimes way too much about what others are thinking about - and how they perceive us. I think this may even more true for children of alcoholics. "Who cares what other people think" is followed by, "You will probably never see these other kids again - so don't worry about what they think or what they do now." We are so concerned about what others think. I remember this saying, "Don't be concerned about what other people are thinking about you, because in reality, you actually may be more hurt when you learn how little they think about you."

I recall, the biggest saying, the most powerful verse, I have ever read. This is a summary law, that encapsulates all mom has told me. It is in the Bible. It is in the Koran. It is stated in all religions in one form or another. It is a universal truth. It is this:

.............................. "We become, what we think about most of the time."

This saying - this universal law - had a big effect on my life. It is this, you can control only one thing; your thoughts. And whatever you are thinking, most of the time, you become. Whatever you fill your head with, whatever the predominant thought is, you act and behave in a manner consistent with that thought or belief. So, if this is true, and it is, then the statement below is also true:

.................................. "Change your thinking and you change your life."

I hope this has helped you as it has helped me.

PS - My wife starts a treatment program today. It is outpatient.

PPS - I am not changing the moon out.