Control, Offering Opinions and Dependency

I am often amazed how members of Al-Anon will come up to me or some one else after a meeting and provide either advice or in the discussion - comment on what some one said or is saying. What I hear is - "That is not true it is this or that." Or what else I hear is "You should do this." And then there is a more indirect route, "Have you thought about . . . "

No matter how we slice it - it is about control. Control is a path to dependency, by you who is controlling or by you, accepting the opinion.

1. No one elses opinion matters. Period. End of statement. Finis.
2. No one is right or wrong. Period. End of statement. Finis.
3. Very little matters. Which means; "Very little matters in the world. Period. End of statement. Finis.

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Hmmmmm . . .

That last statement "Very little matters." Did it get you? Do you disagree? Are you thinking "what does matter then?" And, the thought of "Very little matters in the world." - are you labeling this? Are you labeling this as;

1. Wrong?
2. Yes things do matter!! Everything matters!
3. You are giving up! You cannot give up! We must fight to the death. Is that what this translates to for you?

Yes.

Very little matters.

Even what I am typing - it doesn't matter.

But our "attachments" - what we have "decided" as "right" is what is getting me (us/you) hooked. "Right" and righteousness" - is an opposite opinion and is therefore "wrong" is a form of judgment. Being wrong makes us - "Less than" or "Unworthy." Is it the judgment that starts getting me hooked? What if it just is?

What if being wrong was accepted in our society as "Good?" What if we rejoiced in another's opinion - especially - if it was DEEPLY counter to ours?

What if we celebrated wrong and difference of opinion?

I am not talking about diversity - however - this discussion MAY BE the root of the diversity topic . . . not that my opinion matters -

And this is not to say I am not a worthy and worthwhile person.

Because here it is:

I am a worthy and worthwhile person. AND of course - so are YOU!

Your opinion of me or my blog or my hair or my underwear does not really affect me.

Well isn't that SPECIAL . . . Apologies to Church Lady (aka Dana Garvey).

I wish the sentence "Your opinion of me does not matter." what really true for me. I am hooked. I am attached to your opinion. I don't even know you and I am attached to your opinion.

How about you? Are you attached to another person's opinion? Of you? Of the world?

This is the control and dependency issue.

Go back to the statements about - all three. Can you read them and REALLY FEEL them and accept these in the deepest part of your ego/soul/brain/conscious/subconscious?

GOD - there is so much to learn.

The closest I get to GOD is serenity. I achieve serenity - by being present. Feeling my feelings. And working on not being attached to what happens, what I am thinking, the future, what I "want" or "need" and what others think (what I THINK others think).

I am aiming for peace and serenity.

Again - as my sponsor says - When you have a choice (for thoughts and actions) aim for serenity.

Today I am focusing on detachment.

Another NEW Day

So. I was bummed out yesterday. Surprise? Nope. I went to bed, couldn't sleep and then woke up around 4AM.

Yes. I did it. I vacuumed the house around 5AM!

OKAY. Went to noon-day meeting. It was around slogans. "This too shall pass" seemed to be getting a lot of talking about.

I spoke of it and said my version is; "This too shall pass. But I want it to pass now." I went on to say; "I am very fortunate. I am doing well. I am in good health. It is only my thinking that is doing 'it' to me."

Yes. My thinking. Exacerbated by lack of sleep and a small cold I picked up Wednesday that I thought I knocked out Friday. Still have it apparently this morning.

Went running yesterday AM before work. Good 3 miles. But need to do every morning/day. It makes a HUGE difference.

Also need to get back into reading every morning.

Called my sponsor yesterday as I was pissed. He pulled over to a parking lot to focus on what I was saying. We all have this obsessive thinking disease. We think way too much. We. I mean I. I don't know what we have. I know what I have. That is the "advisor" coming out in me. Focus on yourself dear Joseph.

You can only control yourself. And damn that is hard enough.

Focus on yourself and what is reality. No one is doing anything to you (me). They are too busy worried about their own things. Think about what you can control and shut up and shut off.

Peace this morning.

My Attempts Controlling My Attempts to Control

Absolutely amazing. My attempts to control the uncontrollable. I even attempt to control my controlling. Think about that one for a minute.

Writers Comment: This is a long post today folks . . . but you have to read all it. I reveal some aspects of control that I have not always recognized.

This morning I thought about all the things I could and should do to "Stop a certain person" from spamming my little blog site. I thought about looking for a way to block this person from commenting.

I remember this morning getting a little pissed off and figuring out a way to threaten this person.

Retaliating against him. "Getting even." Hmmmm . . .

Then I read a little passage. It was a small one sentence that stuck out in this book. It is a sentence that we all know - I mean - we heard it a million times. It wasn't even in an Al-Anon book. The sentence was just there -staring at me - and in the back of my head I was figuring out what I could do to get back at this person.

Yep. I was "planning" and "scheming." I even had these hurtful words starting to enter my head as to how best to wound him so he would go away. Yes. I will admit this.

Then the words; "The only thing you can control is yourself." showed up in the middle of the paragragh.

I laughed - or smiled is more like it. Yes. My attempt to control was going on in my head. I had "get back at you" strategies going on.

What a laugh.

So what someone is spamming my little blog site. He is really causing no harm. Does he really know me? Does he know any of us?

He was on my "little site" before. I looked him up. He's from some where in Australia. Actually I know the city and just about everything about him. Yes. I was attempting to control. I wasted a lot of time looking him up. His own blogspot had a lot about him. He revealed a lot about his family, where he lived, how he grew up and how he found his beliefs.

Yes. I was "going to get back." Retaliate. Why? Anger. But it was fear based. What was I afraid of? His opinion? Of me. Of you? I was going to defend you. That's what I did as the oldest one. I defended my brothers and sister. I helped them through school. Now I was going to defend me and you. From what? His opinion? His cutting and pasting of long stuff?

I could wound him now. I could say "Can't you write? Do you know ha, ha, ha etc is really not so intelligent? And cutting and pasting someone elses words is another form of stupidity and non-original thinking? And . . . " But I know he's been asked these types of questions before you see. I can sense it. That is where I can wound. I used my sensing ability to defend through my words.

My controlling power is well honed. It's sharp. It pops up in the most little things in life. I cannot control it because it is so hard to recognize.

Even my deleting of his comments are an attempt to control.

I even thought about using humor. Here was going to be my post;
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Dear Mickey,

I have someone I would like you to meet. Obviously you are a lonely soul. Mickey meet my ex-wife. Ex-wife, meet Mickey.

Please torture each other.

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Yes. That would be funny I thought. But again, my humor is another attempt to control.

All these things were going on inside my head - very, very fast. Quickly processing. In seconds I had formulated several strategies to wound, attack, control, get even, be funny, be smart etc. Seconds.

Controlling the uncontrollabe. How pervasive is this in my life?

Everytime - I Get What I Need

One of the miracles in Al-Anon is, I seem to always get what I need at a meeting.

I read the daily reading in our meeting at the noon group meeting this past Wednesday, May 13. It's part of the format of this group to read the Steps, Traditions, Concepts and Warranties as well as the daily reading from any of the 3 daily readers.

So, as I read this passage, I was saying, "Damn. Just what I need. A - friggin' - gain." To myself mind you, as I don't let random thoughts pop out of my head and disrupt the flow of the meeting!

Recently - over the past few years - I have been - God I hate to admit this - reluctant to make decisions and reluctant to confront people. This is very recent, as I was a confronter. I am now afraid to open certain emails - as I "just know" they are going to be zingers (usually from my wife and the people I am renting this house I am now in).

The reading struck me. It was just what I needed, as I am touched or haunted with "dread" on certain aspects of my life. I have been burned before and therefore a little indecisive. Here is the passage from Courage to Change May 13 that struck me and was just what I needed;

For a time I avoided making decisions because I was sure that there was some "magical" right choice that would get me what I wanted, yet I never seemed to know what that choice was. I waited until the last minute to decide and never felt good about my choices. Today I know that choosing not to decide is to decide.

It can be very liberating to make a decision. Once the decision is made, I can trust that the consequences will unfold as they should. With a slight change in attitude, perhaps I can await them with excitement and hope rather than fear and dread.

This is where I am today. When I make a decision or I am waiting for a response or I get the response (the email or call from my soon-to-be-ex or maybe someday-ex), I have this fear and dread feeling come over me.

I have not been to as many meetings as I would like. I am so busy at work and was so busy preparing for divorce. And so busy trying to regain my personal life. And so busy trying to stay in shape. And so busy . . .

I am forgetting being centered. My centering is the most important thing in this list. It affects everything else.

The meeting was just what I needed. This passage hit me in head. It had the two words "fear" and "dread" -

Also - by the way - the word "consequences" above has typically a negative connotation to some. But it is not the true definition of the word. Consequences are just results of actions -neither positive or negative. I know, I looked the word up many years ago, and unless they changed the definition this is correct. Why are you typing this by the way Joseph? Well in your need to help (read control) others, you want them to understand the word in the passage. Also, are you trying to help (control)? And show (control) you are smart? Man, I read control all the way through this.

Just In: What I Don't Do

Just In: In Al-Anon I learn to give up control of others, events and other things "outside my circle."

This morning I am reading an interesting thought that I want to share. Here it is:

In time you may realize that your impact on the world often derives not from what you do but from what you don't do.

I like this thought. I am going to sit with it. I do a sort of "inventory" when I have something I must do or when I am reacting to something. I ask; "Will this help - that is - if I do something, will this make matters better? Or is my ego trying to make me react because I fear losing something or feeling 'less than'?"

What I don't do may make more of a positive difference in my personal and professional life. Strike "may" and replace with "probably."

Accepting

Accepting where you are right now.

Accepting to me used to mean - giving up, giving in, or saying, "What's the use?"

Accepting means to me today, I am happy and satisfied with what I am, what I have and living now in the present. What a change. A word that had such a negative connotation to being a word that is positive and fulfilling.

If I can accept - and not crave or desire for what ought to be, I am a much happier person. I don't compare, judge, evaluate, or wish for something different.

Just for Today: Try to accept where you are, what you have and not wish for something to be different. Even better, try not wishing for someone else to be different.

A Note I Made To Myself

I reread this from a course I took that the county mandated all people going through a divorce take. The note I made in my notebook was startling when I heard it and so I captured it on paper.

I reread it this weekend - about 6 months after I wrote it down. It says a lot. I am afraid it says a lot about me. It does not reference alcoholism, but it is, I believe, germane.

Here is the sentence I captured;

"The pathologically tolerant person looks for a controller who has an addiction."

Interesting and revealing. I am hoping that I am not looking for a controller anymore. I notice I am tolerant, but I am not sure where the tolerance boundary lies. Does it lie in accepting to go out to eat anywhere - because I really don't care what I eat? Does it mean I put up with people being late? Or people not expressing their love for me? How far does tolerance go?

There is one more sentence - a bullet point I captured right below this sentence. I didn't see it this weekend. Here it is;

"The controller has no clue how he affects others. He is narcissistic."

You've Already Won

I read every morning. I find if I can concentrate on something positive without being sidetracked, I set sail for a more peaceful day.


Being Worthy And Deserving
Here what I read this morning.

If you cannot accept yourself - accept that you are worthy and deserving - then you cannot accept the behavior of other people and are therefore in judgment of them.

Wow. Not accepting myself as worthy and deserving sets me up as a judger of others [I know, "judger" no such thing - but it 6:40AM on Saturday!].

Here is another little sentence that caught my eye and my mind. I've read it a dozen times in the past 5 months;

If you are judging others and not accepting yourself as worthy, then you are dwelling on lack and limitation.

Scarcity Thinking Leads Me To Control or Fear Based Thinking
Okay. I get it. I am sitting on the negative, scarcity side of my mind and looking at life through a lens of poverty, lack and limitation; or things I don't have and then look for more - so I can set myself up for more scarcity, which essentially leads me to more fear based thinking.

Another sentence - right after the last one;

By dwelling on lack and limitation - you are limiting yourself and consequently making decisions that are based on fear. Your thinking goes; What will they think? What will they do? What will they say?

It's All ABout Me and My Thinking
YIKERS!!! I see it in me! I start by thinking scarcity. I take a slow step by step into obsessive NEGATIVE thinking - about things I cannot control. And then I might set myself up to try to control this behavior of others or things outside myself, which I cannot, and I know I cannot.

Recovery: Trading Control For Fear?
If I begin to recover, I stop the controlling behavior of myself over others. So, I begin to see that I stop trying to control. This is where I think I first recognized that when I stopped trying to control the behavior of others and the outcome I learned I was powerless. BUT and this is a BIG BUT - now I realize I cannot control - but now FEAR Comes In!!!!!

Recovery: The NEXT Step?
If I realize, I am already OKAY - I am already whole, complete and perfect (what I do is not perfect - but if I truly believe in a HP - my HP has allowed me the grace to be imperfect which makes me perfect. Does that make sense?].

No Longer Having To Win The Approval of Others
The mere fact that my HP has "allowed" me to live in this world and experience it first hand tells me I have already Won. I don't need to prove myself. I don't need the acceptance of others. I don't need to get the opinions of others to state I am okay and worthy. I am already worthy; therfore I have won. I no longer need to try to win the approval of others.

I need to print this post out. Tape it to the end of a stick. And then tape the other end of the stick to my head so I reread this everyday for the next 21 days.

Peace and serenity to all this weekend

Random Thoughts

Random Thoughts are being posted here today. I decided a while ago that sometimes statements without explanation may be a good way to get and achieve serenity.

Here are some random thoughts and statements I have pulled from one of the books I am reading - that I believe can be aligned to Step 1 - Being Powerless and Unmanageable.

Here they are;

• Don't minimize preparation or the importance of believing in your abilities. Lack of faith in yourself, manifested by the inclination to minimize your abilities, accounts for the difference between capability and performance.
• By relaxing and controlling nothing but yourself, you can deal with the most complex situations.
• Problems arise when you seek specific results by trying to control and manipulate others.
• Thoughts precede events. In fact, events are panted in advance in thoughts.
• Explaining circumstances as results of your own thoughts, rather than saying they are due to fate or outside forces, reduces dependency and gives you options to change your life.
• To overcome difficulties, you need only concentrate in what you have done that may have brought about specific events.
• Only effort will increase your strength and awareness of your potential. In time, you may realize that your impact on the world often derives not from what you do but from what you don't do.
• You maximize your capacity to influence the world around you by gaining awareness and control of your automatic responses to the demands of others.. By delaying your responses, you can consciously decide how you will act. Action, not reaction, becomes the secret of success.
• Concentrate on the resources you have, not on what you don't have or lack, in order to develop your potential and talents.
• Learn to trust your intuition and follow you hunches.
• Only you hold and have the answer to the meaning of your life. You need not seek solutions from others in matters where you and only you may have the answer.
• Don't assume others have better qualifications to determine your objectives.
• Study and preparation helps you by making you more aware of what is happening and how you are consciously and unconsciously perceive the world.

Have a great day and peace to you today.

A Request From A Reader

The following request was made by a reader. Here is her question. Please add your thoughts as you feel appropriate.

Just a word to the person making this request for advice. None of us are qualified to provide any advice . . . We can give you examples and ideas of what actions you could take. However, I say this with caution - the advice is worth exactly as much as you paid for it. We are not in your shoes. We have no emotional attachment. And we can hardly understand your situation.

BUT . . . There ARE some things you can do, such as; "Keep the focus on you" and what you can do to set up "boundaries" and "detach with love" . . . .

Here is the request from a reader:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I need advice. My husband has been cutting back on his alcohol usage. It was causing great pain within our marriage. His father is an alcoholic and alcohol is the bond shared between the two whenever they get together.

My mother in law has chosen not to ever discuss the pain in her marriage to an alcoholic and I respect that. I have mentioned to her several times that my husband, her son, struggles with abusing alcohol. Sadly, she points at me as being far from perfect,end of talk. At our most recent family gathering I mentioned to her that our marriage was improving since we were actively taking measures to address the alcohol abuse and he'd agreed to cut back.

A month goes by and she calls my husband via his cellphone and invites him home to New York to spend quality time with his father in a BAR watching and Irish football game for the weekend. I am hurt by her attempts to separate my husband from his family in TX and place him in an environment that he's weakest in.

Anytime spent with his father always revolves around excess beer drinking. She didn't invite me or speak with me about this. I'm pretty sure she knows how I'd feel. I feel she's not respecting me and our children. We have 3. They need a healthy father. I hoped she'd support his efforts to cut back and not place a gun to his disease.

Any thoughts on how I should respond? I feel she's not being respectful of me. Please help.

Thx in advance and sorry this is so long.

A Downer Al-Anon Meeting? YOU Must Read This!!

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night. It was led by a very articulate person, a person who asked me to lunch several times and we talked about our "situations." He too, has/had the same situation I have. One child, and a wife drinks/drank - the divorce.

Anyway . . .

He read from "How Al-Anon Works" a section in the back about a man whose sons were drinking - teenagers - and how the man, the father, became better and "took back over" as head of the family and gave the two boys the ultimatum; "Stop drinking/smoking pot, or get out."

It reminded me that this month is the month that I started this blog. And where I was in my recovery a year ago.

A lot of people shared. It was rather emotional for some. There was crying because of certain family situations. And the reading prompted the words "detachment, letting go, and choices."

At the end of the meeting, the discussion leader, who is very strong and what I would consider serene and well into recovery, came up to me and another person at the end of the meeting, and apologized, saying he didn't mean for it to be a "downer of a meeting." I replied, "I thought it was a good meeting. There was a lot of sharing."

I was over talking to someone else, and again, this person who is strong in recovery, came over and said, "I am sorry about the meeting topic being a downer." I replied, again, "It was a good meeting. I didn't see it as a downer."

When I got home last night - I was thinking; "Why did he think it was a bad meeting? Was it because people were crying and expressing their hurts and pain and fear?"

Many times now, as I look back, I see this pattern of men, expressing how the meeting turned into a "bitch session" or how the person expressing pain was "whining." I am not sure if the women do this, but I have not heard them say anything like this.

Interesting.

Interesting how some feel that expressing pain or sorrow or hurt or fear or anger or some negative emotion may be bad.

My initial analysis is: I do the same thing as my friend does or did. I want to the meeting to be happy, joyous, serene.

And, I want people to think "Man, he is ze most brillllliannnt of all the people in zee vorld." (use the accent of some mad German scientist).

Yep. That's my disease kicking in.

I suspect, that his disease is similar.

My analysis (and this is my disease too - the analysis thing) is this; he was attached to the outcome. He was emotionally attached to a result. And not achieving the desired result he was hoping for, his ego got hold of him and perhaps, made him feel, well, "less than" what he desired.

You can almost hear the ego's voice saying, "See. You are not that brilliant. You were not uplifting. You are but still 'less than' others. You'll never make it." And on and on the ego goes, pulling you/him, forever downward.

As the ego grabs hold of this person's brain and spirals downward, I liken it to an alligator grabbing it's victim in a death roll, until the victim drowns.

What makes the meeting bad?

Answer: Our labeling of it as so. There ain't the Al-Anon Meeting Olympic Committee. No Olympic Judges reviewing us. Their ain't no judges from Russia screwing with the point system. It is only our labeling it as "bad" that makes it bad. Does this make sense?

Ponder this for a second. "It is only our labeling of something of 'bad' that makes it bad."

Oh - I can hear the arguments going off in the heads of the readers of this right now.

The argument is you ego trying to take control of you. It is trying to make you "right." Don't let it. Observe it though.

But back to the point about labeling it as bad. Next thing we do; we gather the facts or our interpretation of the facts to support our labeling of it as bad. We look for all the reasons to protect our label and make the label the correct label. In other words, we look for the reasons or facts that make it "bad" and support the label. Why? Because we want to be right. And the ego wants you to feel like shit.

However, what if . . .

What if crying at the meeting was a sign that it was a good meeting? What it bitching actually helped someone release pent up energy and negativity he or she could not otherwise express? Especially express somewhere else? Expression of bad shit happening in one's life is why Al-Anon is such as GREAT place - because - it's here that it is safe to do so.

And my friend . . .

Well, he gave everyone the key to unlock the door that behind the door was a bunch of crap to be let go and explored as it was thrown out into the middle of the circle to view for the first time out loud.

This is power. This is the power of these rooms. A safe place to feel. A safe place to express. A safe place to screw-up (if you label it as such). And "screwing up" is just a label. Who actually judges whether it is a screw-up or not? And if we all judge it as a screw-up - it does not make us "right."

Interesting.

To my friend I would say; You may want to explore your feeling about it being a "downer" of a meeting last night. Why do you think it was? And why does it make any difference if it really was?

And, me - I should explore why I feel compelled to point this out to him? I know the answer. I will admit I would like to print this post off and hand him this post for him to read.

My answer as to why:
1. I want to help him see his illness. In other words, I want to fix him. (Control)
2. I want him to see my brilllll-ant writing and have him recognize that; I am ze best in ze vorld. Supersmart.

My answer is my disease.

I have control over my disease. I will not print this off and show him.

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Restoring Ourselves to Sanity

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Restoring Ourselves to Sanity

If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting.

The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 5/9/08 and runs to Sunday 6/11/08 evening.

Note: To view this Post and the Comments at the same time, click on the link here ---> (click here). Or you can click on the title of this Post in order to get a better view of the Post and the Comments.

Here are some guidelines ---> Click for Guidelines. Bottom line; say what you want, when you want, as many times as you want, to whomever you want, about whatever you want. Cross-talk is allowed ("cross-talk" is talking to each other, not being "cross" to the other).

This is where we start:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is from the Al-Anon Pamphlet "Freedom from Despair"

Specialists in the field of alcoholism regard it not as a moral weakness or sin, but as a complex disease, perhaps part physical and part emotional. Alcoholics tend to be sensitive and emotionally immature, excessive in their demands on themselves as well as others. When they fail to live up to their own standards, they escape from reality by drinking. The habit leads to obsessive drinking, a compulsion so powerful that not even the threat of death or insanity seems to break it. One drink sets up an uncontrollable craving that only more drinking can appease.

. . . . The alcoholic needs encouragement and understanding whether drinking or sober. By detaching ourselves from the alcoholic's problems and concentrating restoring ourselves to serenity, we encourage the alcoholic to seek and keep sobriety.

Five Common Traits of Our Disease (Derived from the Al-Anon pamphlet, "Understanding Ourselves and Alcoholism"
{These are the key words/sentences and thoughts I pulled out]

We, too, can become ill.
We hide bottles. We search the house. All our thinking become directed at what the alcoholic is doing or not doing. This is our obsession.

Watching them slowly kill themselves . . . We worry about the bills, the children, the job . . . This is our anxiety

The alcoholic's behavior sooner or later makes us angry. He is telling us lies, not taking responsibilities, feel he doesn't love us (as parents and children) . . . This is our anger

We pretend things are alright. We hide how we feel. . . . This is our denial

Perhaps the most severe damage to us is the nagging belief that we are somehow at fault. We may feel we are not good enough, good-looking enough, clever enough for not having solved this problem . . . These are our feelings of guilt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

See if the five ways we are affected resonate with you. I know they do with me. I can even carry these behaviors to non-alcoholic environments, like work or friendships, or while being alone.

So this is where we comment!

We're Controlling? Yeah, right.

I am learning that the more I try to control, that I am really being controlled.

This is the most powerful sentence I will write today. So I could stop right (write) there. But of course, I am codependent and I am verbose. A double whammy. What a nightmare.

Okay. What do I mean about being controlled? Well, let's face facts. Who has been called a "control freak" . . . ? Raise your right hand. Higher. A little higher. The curvature of the earth is preventing me from seeing all those hands.

Okay. That's established. 101% of us have been labeled this by our friends - the qualifiers. But if you dig deeper - past what you are doing to control, and look into how you started to try to control the situation, I'll bet you a dollar (Canadian or US, Euros too), that you can pinpoint it to an event or a statement that caused you to react.

To react.

Those are the two (2) key words. Count 'em if you like. Two.

To react. Yikes. Look and research. Go back over past "encounters."

Next time, try to replace your response with, "Is that so?" Or, "Hmmm." Or "I hear you." And stop. Don't react. Don't empathize (this is a gift and a curse, as I am a BIGGGG empathizer). Don't sympathize. The difference is; "I feel your pain" versus "I am sorry you have pain."

Just let it sit there - that statement or mood or their reaction or behavior. Watch it float around the room you are in, like a separate inanimate object. Try this. It may help you to picture it as an object that you know and that cannot hurt you, like an orange or apple. See it come out their mouths. When they (our button pusher friends), try to push our buttons and cause us to react (which feeds their pain and gets our pain up and running), watch the words, literally come out of their mouths.

I know this may sound a little weird. But it helps us to NOT identify with the harsh criticism or the provocation. It helps to make the words or behavior something a little odd in our minds, like an orange or an apple. See the orange come out of their mouths. "Plop." Right out of their mouths, onto the floor or table. "Plop."

Observe it, like a disinterested third-party. This will help you . . .

Disassociate.

Remember, they are trying to push your buttons. If you can stop yourself from reacting, you are no longer being controlled. And the control we usually reply with, no longer needs to be . . . , well, replied with. This is a liberating feeling. And if you're into a little revenge, it pisses them off! :-)

Self-Esteem & Your Problems

In Al-Anon we learn to focus on ourselves. We learn that taking care of ourselves in not a selfish act in a negative way. That taking care of ourselves means we can become better and help others differently than the way we were taking care of others before Al-Anon.

I talk a lot about self-esteem in this blog. Self-esteem is about you feeling good about you. Or said another way, "I like myself, I truly like myself." Now try and say that 10 times a day before going off to work!

Say it! Repeat it in the shower! "I like myself. I like myself. I truly like myself!" This may feel uncomfortable at first. But after a while you will find that this really feels good. Say it in front of a mirror in the morning and you can't help but smile.

This little "trick" or "tool" really does work, by the way. Keep it simple as Al-Anon literature says. And this is really simple.

Let's get back to self-esteem and it's definition. I think you'll find these next section interesting, because it will provide insight into us and how we think or at least remind us, how we can think differently, if not better when we go forth into our day.

Our Problems
What if I told you, that, almost all our problems are a result, directly or indirectly of how "YOU feel about your SELF?"

It has been proven that you can never feel better than your own self-esteem. This means how you feel about yourself in relation to others, is based upon your level of self-acceptance. Here are a couple of thoughts around problems in our self-esteem;

• You hang around the people you feel worthy of hanging around.
• You do things for yourself less, when you don't feel good about yourself.
• You tend to replay negative events in your mind AFTER they already occurred if you are not feeling good about yourself.
• You tend to replay events negatively BEFORE they occur if you are not feeling good about yourself.
• You tend to put others feeling first, before or even at the sacrafice of your own needs.
• You tend to think how are other people going to react today or what are they going to think about this or that or you and them.

Interesting couple of bullet points. I am sure we can all relate to these. And I am sure there are some that are not there that may be playing in your head today or even right now.

But what if you just eliminated these thoughts? That's right. ELIMINATE them right now.

If you did, would your day be a little more peaceful? A little more calm?

Well, let's start with the, "I like myself" mantra this morning, and in fact, this mantra every day. Emile Coue - a French psychologist curing tuberculosis patients had his patients say, "Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better." He had all his patients say this over and over. Now I am not sure if he had them chant in unison or not (that was a little joke), but his patients got well faster than the other groups of patients.

So, if this worked for his patients, why not try "I like myself?" What have we got to lose? A few words spoken. Say it out loud with enthusiasm and you will gain a major impact. You may not want to say this in the elevator on the way to work this today. Or you may, because it might be interesting and entertaining to watch the reactions of others!

And let's start ELIMINATING the negative thoughts we have - starting with those in the bullet points above.

Control

Through Al-Anon we have learned that we cannot control it, did not cause it, nor can we cure it. The "it" of course is alcoholism. It is a "cunning, baffling and powerful disease." This is from psychologists and therapists who have actual experience in dealing with it.

So today I want to talk about "control."

Control. We need it in order for our lives to function. We need order. There is order in the universe. Nature is order. You have the four seasons. Day follows night. Time ticks away, one second, one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month, one year - always. This is "order."

So when we have chaos, our natural tendency is to bring it back to order. We have to "fix" it. Whatever "it" is. With alcoholism fixing does not work. It makes more chaos. This is why it is a "baffling" disease. Fixing it through control from us - actually brings more disorder. It brings dysfunction to our lives and the lives of our children.

I read this in a passage somewhere, and thought "Wow. This is Zen-like." It really fits our predicament. It is thought proking and powerful. I have used this to remind myself of how I need to adject. Please ponder this for a moment:

"Whenever we try to control, we are actually being controlled."

We may be controlled by the chaos. Or the person who is causing the chaos. And we respond or are "controlled" by fixing it. This is okay in some cases. But with children, if we do this all the time, we provide the child a sense of "helplessness." We may be programming their minds that maybe they cannot do it themselves. And later in life, they may not function in society very well.

The same is true with the alcoholic. Except the alcoholic may "allow" us to do some things for him or her. Then we fall into co-dependence.

As we try to fix or control the alcoholic, and it does not work, we try harder. When we try harder and it still does not work, we can become angry and frustrated. This frustration maybe taken out on the wrong people. These people are people at work, our children, our neighbors, people in the car next to us, people in the grocery line - you get the picture. In addition, we beat ourselves up. We turn our anger inward.

After awhile we can begin to feel powerless. And perhaps this leads us to look for things outside ourselves to fill our void. Perhaps, we do nothing. We may slip into depression, isolation, or we, ourselves, get this "learned helplessness."

When we focus on controlling things outside our orbit (stand-up, hold your arms out - and spin once - that's your orbit), we actually lose power. We are trying to control things we cannot control. We cannot change things outside our orbit.

My message for today: Focus on controlling the things we can control. As in the serenity prayer,

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Sometimes A Book And a Gift or Searching for An Answer

I have learned that a gift is gift to the giver as well as to the receiver. In fact, the giver may get more out of the giving than the person actually receiving the gift. How often have I heard, "Don't you just love it?" or "Isn't it the nicest (cutest) thing?" coming out of the giver's mouths? More times than I can count.

But a book . . .

Giving a book can be a big thing for some people - in fact I think it can be a big thing for most - not just some. In my "controlling" days - I would read a book, get very excited about it, tell a lot of people about what I learned.

Then later in life, when I could afford it, I would buy books for people. I look back now to see that I was trying to "fix" these other people. "I read this book you see, and this has you written all over it," was the subtext of my message in giving the book.

The other subtext, although subtext may be the wrong word, "shouting silently" may be more accurate, was, "You need help. Read this. This will fix you." What was not stated was, "According to my reality." I no longer give books as "gifts."

But a book . . .

But a book may be a gift from your Higher Power. You may do a, "Say 'What'?" here. Stay with me. Sometimes gifts come from strangers and people who don't really know us. We are taken aback perhaps or maybe we are genuinely grateful. But a book, instead of looking at you are trying to fix me, may be instead, "Hey read this you lune, you may catch an idea that could turn your life around. Or this day around. Or this upcoming meeting. Or keep you from saying something stupid this morning, that may in fact have reverberations across the rest of your life."

This is the approach I have been taking - especially lately. When someone suggests a book, I scramble to read it - just in case. I am in a desperate search of the "answer" to get my life back in order. I am in a desperate search for my HP's will and any sign that he may be out there trying to speak to me.

Last Night
I received a gift last night right before the Family Night Rehab program. It was in the form of a book. Funny how the world works. I wanted to buy this book. But I have too many to read right now so I haven't bought it. So now I have this very same book - I have been really thinking about buying - but haven't - from this great lady who has a son who completed rehab and is on the road to recovery. Interesting isn't it? How I have been thinking about the book. Didn't buy it. And now she hands me this book, called "Transforming Our Losses" - that I have been thinking of? (By the way, it is an Al-Anon book and I believe the latest of the books from Al-Anon)

So I got up and ran downstairs a 4:45AM this morning. And out of the book these words struck me this morning;
"After admitting our powerlessness in Step One, we are becoming ready to let a Higher Power intervene on our behalf. In taking Step Two, we come to believe a Power greater than ourselves can restore our sanity. These Steps offer hope even in the midst of despair.

Whatever our definition of a Higher Power may be, the one thing most of us have in common is our desire for a more serene life."

Yes. This is what I want. I have been searching for it - forever. Serenity. It's not something I would tell a lot of people. It's not something I would say in a job interview, that's for sure. But it is true. I also call it - "Peace of Mind."

Crisis
Here is a quote from the next paragraph;
"When faced with the next crisis, we may feel uncertain about our decision to respond differently. If we focus on taking care of ourselves, who will take care of everything else? We can remind ourselves that in practicing the new behavior, we may feel tentative at first; but the more we practice, the easier it becomes. Eventually we realize that weren't really in control of anyone else to begin with."

I would add "or anything else" to the last sentence. Maybe by giving up control, we gain serenity.

I am in crisis. I feel I have no one who can help me.

I have lots of people who are offering me an ear, but not a single soul coming to help me. I counted my new friends and old friends, who are now in a position to listen to me and give me their ear. The number of people, family, in-laws, old friends, sponsor, therapist/mentor/coach/Sherpa/sapient, therapist at Family Night, etc. brings the count well over 12 people.

May be too many people. I wonder.

But not one can give me the answer to my dilemma. I know they can't. Intellectually I know, "how can they?

Some tell me to pray. So, I continue to pray. I think my prayers sound like I am begging.

Some say - "You know what to do. In your heart, you already know." I have seen and heard this quote in some strange places in the last couple of weeks.

Family Night - Am I a "Downer" to the Group?
One last thought. I wonder if I am a "downer" for Family Night. I spoke of my dilemma and about my wife's behavior and how my daughter and wife are engaging in arguments when I am not a home. I think this is because I stopped engaging. This is the dilemma. I can deal with anything, but this is what I have to end. It's gone too far.

So I spoke of this to the group. The therapist, a good person - he cannot help me I sense. There are newbies in the meeting now. Another rotation of patients. My wife is out. No longer there. The therapist also looks annoyed. Is it my imagination? Speak therapist.

My wife is out of town. My daughter yesterday - serene. Am I imagining this?

Friday's Post - Gaining Control Over What We Can

Gaining Control Over What We Can. This post is about control. What we can control.

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As an aside, have you ever wondered was the show "Get Smart" a parody on 12 steps and therapy? Get it, "Chaos" and "Control?" The bad guys called their group "Chaos" and the good guys were "Control?"

Am I the only one?
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Control
This "control" subject is a notorious one, because we have been told we are "control freaks" and have "controlling behaviors."

I first want to say this about those two quotes above.

First off, don't accept the critique that your "controlling behaviors" make you the evil one. You are not. You only tried to control a situation because it was chaotic and crazy. It was pure pandemonium. It still might be chaos and crazy right now in. However, don't beat yourself up about your trying to fix things by being controlling. Your reaction of using controlling behaviors when things that were out of control are normal. However . . .

You did not know that the control you tried to exert was only reinforcing the chaos.

What we have learned through Al-Anon and therapy, is that letting go and not engaging the crazy person in our lives and not trying to control, may be the only way you can gain sanity and actually restore peace. The power of addiction is strong. And we have found that whatever force and influence you could muster only feeds the alcoholism's power and ability to cause more chaos.

In fact, you become frustrated and then you engage and may lash out - due to the frustration.

As Murphy's Law says, "When you argue with a crazy person, people might not know who is the crazy person." In this case, the alcoholic is the crazy person. You cannot argue with a crazy person - especially when they are under the influence.

This is straight from Al-Anon and other studies. You have to do the opposite of your natural inclination. Just like swimming; "You have to swim with the current to get out of the rip tide." Remember that one? Or when in a car in icey conditions; "You turn into the skid to gain control of the vehicle."

My Message this Morning:
My message to you is, first, don't beat yourself up by allowing past labels to cause you to think you are not a good person. These past labels put a regulator on who you are as a good and healthy person. Do we make mistakes? You bet. Are you your mistakes? No.

Second, and this is the more important of the two, realize that you control nothing outside yourself. And realize it is only human nature and that we all react negatively to anyone attempting to control who we are and what we do. You do it and I do it.

Realize that the only control you really have is just over yourself. Period. And it starts with your thinking and ends with your actions. If you understand this, then you have gained the power of control as it could be used in its highest form. And in its best form.

When you gain control over yourself, and your thinking, you have gained an incedible amount of power - and you are in alignement with your higher power. When you do this, you will find yourself on the path to freedom. You will no longer be subject to the whims and opinions of others.

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PS - I need a volunteer. If you want to host the On-Line Al-Anon Meeting - please don't be shy! Just let me know in the comments below.

Last - the votes are in. People voted for long and short posts. If you would like to enter a survey question, please submit a question and I will poll the readers.

Breaking Co-Dependency - Second Step

"If you think you are dependent upon another individual -you are!" Dr. Robert Anthony

Our Circles - Who We Are and What We Do
Whenever we see a loved one's life in disarray, part of us wants to jump in and manage it. Think of a circle drawn around a person's feet. The circle represents who that person is. The circle is their work life, their family and the interaction with the family, their obligations - like paying the bills, household duties, etc. It represents their promises and commitments, their hopes and dreams and their beliefs - such as religion, politics, self, etc.

We all have a circle. Don't reflect on the size of the circle. Just visualize this.

When we see someone step outside the circle, they stop paying the bills, they don't go to their work, - they don't do what they are supposed to do . . .

The person - us - wants to "fix" things. And we "jump into their circle." We still have ours - by the way! We try to manage or help the other person by managing the things they have to get done.

"No" is a Complete Sentence.
We still try to manage and get done the other things we have to do too. We - in essence - are doing the work of two!!!! Let me give you some examples:

1. We pay the bill for a son who got the DUI.
2. We allow the son to borrow money from us to go buy something they cannot afford (nor can we - by the way!).
3. We call into the office of our spouse to tell the people there, that our spouse is sick today, and cannot make it.
4. We tell people when our spouse is passed out drunk, that they had a long week and are tired.

We make excuses, we do things for them, we allow them to "get off the hook" by not facing reality. At the same time our lives become unmanageable. We cannot manage two lives. Hell, we can barely manage our own. What in the world makes you think you can do both????

This is where we become sick. We become unmanageable. Our children suffer. Our work suffers. We feel like we are a prisoner - in some odd manner.

Visualize yourself standing, one foot in the addicts circle and another foot in your circle. The addict has drifted out of their circle. He or she sees someone managing the circle. They may think, "I don't need to come back. Some body (you) is taking care of me (my circle - my obligations."

Or -The addict may think, "I will keep drinking" (or using). They don't even care about their circle (their old self). They are "not in reality." Their drinking becomes worse. They reality is further covered up.

You - So you are helping - trying to stabilize and keep things together. You are in two lives. Here's what happens;

1. You are trying live both and doing a "sucky" job doing it - and you know it.


2. Sooner or later you start to lose your identity.


3. Sooner or later you don't remember you are.


4. You have glimpses of a life - a previous life you lived. You see this old self.


5. You miss your "old self". You get "pissed off." You want it back.


6. Your anger becomes misdirected.


7. You lash out at people at your office (the last place you want to do this by the way).


8. You lash out at your spouse's family (and you become labeled a "bitch" or an "asshole" - and of course you feel guilty/bad about this and you think they think "No wonder he/she drinks." adding more guilt/bad feelings to your psyche).


9. You may lash out at your children about something trivial.


10. You begin to isolate yourself because you don't want to "burden others."


11. You feel stuck. You are in a death spiral.

Break it. Say, "No." The word "No" is a complete sentence. It's a long-time get well process. It doesn't happen over night. It takes courage and one small step at a time. Because you have to "ween" others off it too - the ones who know you are always there for them.

Next post - More on co-dependency. By the way, who am I to write about co-dependency? I am "Mr. Co-Dependency" and don't you forget it! I write this today, with the full knowledge I can break this, but tomorrow, I am back. This post is dedicated to the therapists at the clinic, who will remain nameless and who are so dedicated that they give out their time almost 24 by 7 to family and addicts. God Bless them. I do not know how they do it.

Last, the work here is from Virginia Satir. Satir served as the director of training at the Mental Research Institute in Palo Alto from 1959-66 and at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur beginning in 1966. In addition, Satir gave lectures and led workshops in experiential family therapy across the country. She was well-known for describing family roles, such as "the rescuer" or "the placator," that function to constrain relationships and interactions in families (Nichols & Schwartz, 1998. Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods. 4th ed. Allyn & Bacon).