Maturity

A great reading the other day. It came from a free Al-Anon pamphlet. The discussion leader read the 16 things behind maturity.

The next week, different meeting, and I swear, I don't recall seeing this person at the previous meeting, held the same exact discussion. He copied the pamphlet and left it in the center of the room. Which of course is the Al-Anon way of saying, "You don't have to pick it up and read it." Of course this another way of not trying to exert ones behavior or opinion on another.

And of course we all jumped up and grabbed a copy.

But this morning I am writing about "maturity" too.

I read a "non conference approved book" this morning. But there are many things I now read that relates to Al-Anon.

Here is the quote:

"Maturity lies in accepting reality, not in demanding perfection. You are not perfect. Your life is not perfect. No day is perfect."

There is solace in knowing this. Whatever the hell "solace" means. Who says "solace" by the way? A blogger without a large vocabulary. Ahhhhh, sarcasm, used against the self - a false modesty and humbleness.

In the past couple of days, I realized I am getting hooked again. My immaturity and seeking certain outcomes - sometimes by forcing solutions and attaching my self-worth to the outcome is getting me into a little trouble. I am "fighting" by arguing. I love a good debate. I seek it out in many ways. I can cut through a person's words and sentences and even the sentence structure (even though I suck at English grammar) just to "win." But it only occurs when someone "attacks me."

What are people doing when people attack me?

I am renting a nice 4 or depending who you ask - a 5 bedroom house. My "other" house is paid off and that is where my Whenever to be ex lives. It is expensive and well -worth a lot of money - AND paid off. I am a saver of money. Spend thrift. Well, I got trigger because my landlord - to whom I pay A LOT of mullah to (that's money in English slang), stated in a friggin' email that I was not "allowing Realtors to 'show' the house. and that I should Section 3 of the contract."

Well, dear Joseph, my ugly side, read Section 3. I am not an attorney, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express once, shot back reread Section 3 and pointed out certain words and phrases like "appropriate times" and "consideration" and etc. And I shoved that across the Internet cable like a grenade going up their you know what.

I was triggered. I felt "how dare they?" I have more money that them. I busted my ass all my life and now I am stuck in a rented home having them tell me that realtors can come anytime they want to (some want to come at 6PM at night while I am eating dinner or changing clothes and I said "No." I would have said, Okay before and sacrificed myself and well-being and my needs for people I don't even know. But now, with Al-Anon programming, I am a worthwhile person and I COME FIRST so don't fuck with me. Okay Al-Anon does not say "don't fuck with me." But I am worthy. And I do come first. So now I say "No" without much guilt. Whereas before, guilt would leap around for several hours in my brain on a trampoline.

So, they are pissed I am making the realtor work around my schedule. Well, tough. I read Section 3. And .....

Isn't life grand? Life gives me all sorts of tests. Major and minor to test my maturity. Life equals reality. Al-Anon teaches me to experience reality and be mature. Also to act mature. And realize I am not perfect and that's okay.

Getting Unstuck

One of the things I have to get back to doing is "to risk."

I have been under enormous (enormous? probably the right word, but my ego or voice inside my head, I cannot tell which one it is talking to me) pressure over the past year and a half. Separation, loss of job, looking for job, stock market, economy, new job, divorce proceedings, custody proceedings, money going out the door for lawyers, wife attacking, my brain working overtime, child going thru puberty, etc. all adding to the pressure.

So, in order to "control" the pressure I have not been "risking" or "being out there on the high wire" at work as I probably could be. Or is it "should be." I know about the "should thing." But maybe there is a "should" every now and then. Maybe I am working just enough. And maybe working "just enough" is perfectly fine.

I am not sure.

This is the dilemma. Am I stuck? Am I afraid to reconnect with old business acquaintances because of the fear of rejection?

HELLO??

As I am writing this the thought comes to mind: What if they don't return my call? The ANSWER: So what? What will happen if they don't? Nothing. Except an ego bruise. AND the possibility of the ego taking control and making me feel "less than." Hmmmm.

Am I really "risking?"

Bite sized chunks.
I know to get around the "stuck" thing is to make a list. Break down the thing I need or should or must do, into smaller, bite sized chunks, on a piece of paper. Then schedule time on my calendar to do them. And then, . . . , JUST DO IT (them).

OK. Got it.

This is where I am this morning.

Also. I "attached" to something at work yesterday. And then when I "confronted" another manager, he started Bullshitting me, about how it's going to be better in the future. I told him I cannot wait and that the future is now. I told him, and I did it in the old way, that he cannot give me this crap about how good it's going to be. I don't think he ever was confronted before.

Why did I have to go and attack his bullshit? Why couldn't I have just adjusted and worked it out more indirectly? Which is the right way to go? I am never sure. I know; say what you mean, but don't say it meanly.

I said what I meant. I think it could have been interpreted as being mean. Now I fret, that he will tell others I am "explosive." I was not mind you - but I did tell him - not that he was full of shit, but he knew he could no longer ever bullshit me, just by my taking his words and tossing them into the garbage heap as "unmeaningful."

OK. How do I recover from this one? Apologize? Let it go? Or is it my head again that is causing me to worry about this? I am having difficulty with the balance.

A Book I Picked Up

Not an Al-Anon book for sure. And before I tell you who the author is, I want to tell you what he writes.

He writes what I could not write - but I feel it, and I have the same problem. My wife is an alcoholic, and she is, well, crazy. Yes. I said it. And she is feeding my child reasons as to why I am seeking a divorce. Ranging from I have/had a girlfriend (untrue) to I am a mean person.

It pisses me off. And today, I am bummed out. My wife heads to the beach with our child and does not work, does not seek work, nor does she have to. She is feeding our child untruths.

I prayed to God this morning and last night, asking for him to show me what it is I am not seeing, what I am not getting. I got on my knees asking for help this morning in the middle of the master bathroom.

Yes. I am bummed out.

I took my child to dinner last night. She did not want to eat. She wanted to buy a notebook pad from this upscale store for $29. I thought that was ridiculous. Of course, I have learned to not say that. But I did tell her "No, not now."

Her mother bought a calendar from there. My child showed me. It was $25.

I, of course, Googled calendars and printed off a free one.

How is it I work, she doesn't and I save and she spends.
I filed for divorce because of the safety of this child. I am not despised/disdained by the same child I sought to protect.

We went to Barnes and Noble last night. I picked up a book .....

On page 49;
"If your spouse is not open and cooperative regarding divorced co-parenting, every day you spend disconnected from your child is another day that child adjusts to life without you. Although you may call regularly, or visit on alternating weekends, your influence in a child's day-to-day life wanes. It is as though the child takes her love for you and places it on a shelf."

Sad. It is true. I could not explain it . . . but this does.

The book is by someone I NEVER liked.

He, in fact, screamed at his daughter and left it on a phone answering machine. You know who I am talking about now.

When I heard this recording all over the news channels, I thought "How could anyone EVER talk to his daughter this way? He is absolutely an ASSHOLE."

But now I know the frustration. I know how a child can be their parent's avenger. I see it first hand.

Of course the book is by Alec Baldwin. It has so much truth about the legal system and divorce that it is absolutely uncanny how accurate it is and how it expresses the problems of co-parenting. And how judges don't give a shit. Lawyers are damn bastards. And how parents wage a war through the child.

It is a war I am going to sit on the sidelines for.

I remember my wife talking about Larry Byrd years ago, and how he never saw his daughter and what an asshole he was for doing that. I thought so too. But now I know. I know how a child you love turns against you and starts calling you names and does not want to be there because of the mother and how she has started to cast a pall over the father.

I am bummed this morning. I need to get out of this funk by getting outside my head.

I went to a meeting last night. I saw my sponsor. But I was so bummed, I left immediately after the closing prayer.

I have got to get outside my head this morning.

PS - Don't think I am okaying what Baldwin said to his daughter. But I now know he was hurt and torn and felt unappreciated. He lashed out. I now know that. I know how bitter he might have been. You not being in the same place may have the same initial impression I did of him.

PPS - I will get out of this okay and of course, alive.

Update

For the past week, I scurried late at night and in the early morning, to prepare for trial. We were to go to trial Monday - tomorrow - but Friday the deal was delayed once more. My wife's attorney was not ready.

So here I am again, relieved in one sense, and disappointed not to get on with it in another sense.

In justice, there is little truth. I can tell you that first hand. Lawyers are good sales people. If I offend, well, I am not sure I can truthfully say "I am sorry." But, the truth is, all lawyers present not the facts, the a skewed version of the facts that are in the interests of their client.

If everything was just the truth, well, I believe we would see a different world. I can see it on Wall Street. I can see it politics. Are there no people who just want the truth. Even if it sheds bad light on them?

Anyway, I hear myself. My ego is sounding self-righteous. Yep. I can catch it now, thanks to Al-Anon.

I believe I am up before court June 9. We'll see.

Today I Am Pissed

Yesterday my child came to stay at my house. My child went to bed the night before, at 9:30PM. My child was dead tired when I called yesterday morning. My child has exams all week - and it was/is an on-going problem where my wife is undisciplined and cannot get herself to put our child to bed at a decent hour.

On-going. We used to fight like hell about this. Our child's eating habits and what time our child would go to bed.

My controlling the uncontrollable. The drug of alcohol is powerful. No one but you dear reader understands how we get swept up in the vortex of emotion and deceit. We are lied to so well, that we believe we are the problem.

The alcoholic can be a crazy nut. Now that I am out of the relationship I am doing much better. But I am still hooked. I am hooked still - but less than I was before because I am not living in the midst of the alcoholic's crazy life. But my child is.

A Guardian (a person appointed by the court to see if the child is protected or abused) cannot understand the vortex of hell in living with an active alcoholic. No one can. It is a bitch. And I (us/you) get sucked in to the contribution of hell. We make it worse to be sure. Al-Anon is a way to get out of the friggin' contributing to the hell.

Except - I still get hooked.

My wife has purposely - I am positive now - forgets to pack our child's "favorite" sleeping pj's. I offer to buy some for my house - but our child wants her "special" clothes.....

So, at 8:50PM after a nice dinner my child gets ready for bed. No PJs.

The little child is tired from the night before. He/she cries. He/She screams. The child calls Mom - and mom of course, is righteous.

She - the mom - is out with AA friends. She says I have to get home by 4PM to pick up our child's pet and clothes and stuffed animals. I work you see - in a bad economy. I switched jobs to not travel. I am new in my role - a high paying role to be sure, but she is forcing me to leave the office - BECAUSE she has a meeting to go to - at 4:30PM and will not be home until 9:30PM.

The alcoholic is manipulative because the disease is so cunning. And I am sucked into the middle of it. I am afraid I will be stuck in it the rest of my life.

I pray this morning for myself. This is seemingly selfish as I write this - but it is true. My anger is high. But I have learned to not trust my anger. It is a reflection of alcoholism - the disease - and what it wants me to do so it can rejoice and justify itself in it's host. It is hiding, lurking, looking for the moment to hook me and make me rage against it. I make it powerful and strong by my rage.

I need to remember this. I make it stronger by my negative, angry reactions to it.

It is trying to win by making me look bad. I will look like the crazy loon. And it can say to its host, "See. I told you it's not me. Let's drink baby! Look everyone, it is true, he is the maniac. I am okay."

Son-of-a-bitch. Now I remember. That's what it is trying to do!!!!!!! Make me the lunatic.

I almost fell for it. You bastard. You will not win if I don't feed you.

PS - I edited this post. I do not edit often. I just write and blah - there it is.

PPS - note the new poll above FOLLOWERS. Yep. I aim to please. Because? I am a people pleaser.

E-Mails Suck

No matter what you write, someone will read your email negatively. The reverse is also true. So, emails suck.

I just got an email or series of emails from my "wife" - ex-wife, soon to be, (maybe at this rate , never).

I read them and they were - well, er, nasty, bitchy, accusing, derogatory.

I told my sister about the nastiness of the exchanges. I asked her to read them (of course probably because I needed "validation" and "verification" because my ego still says "be right or be small!").

So I sent them and I asked her a day later - "What did you think about the exchange?"

She said, "I don't see where they are negative?"

I said, "What??!!!? Are you insane (not quite what I said)."

She said, "No. Just see her stating her point." Then I explain why I say them as negative and she said, "Well you have more emotion and you are 'in this' deeper than I am."

I just sort of laughed. Maybe I am in so deep I refuse to see what I should see - reality. What is reality? And is there such a thing? But that is a deep question that is for another time. The point is; Emails suck.

So I got another email this AM. I read it and almost - ALMOST - responded - IMMEDIATELY. The little guys in my head and body suited up in full body armor and went to battle stations. I felt these soldiers of war running throughout my body and they were in full react mode. Retaliate!!! was the rallying cry. I almost did!

Thirty minutes later I responded in - well - not love - but out of - I think - understanding. I tried not to manipulate, although responding with "kindness or understanding" has a hint of manipulation, because in reality, I am trying to defend myself and get her to peaceful toward me and/or not to react in a violent manner.

So I am a little proud of myself this morning. I did not react. I waited. I made my points. I even used a smiley face - which was probably manipulative too. Anyway, it is sent and how someone reacts or retaliates, is none of my business.

Thank God for Al-Anon. Also, Eckard Tolle. I have him on my iPod and when I went running he kind of lulled me to sleep about the friggin' "pain-body" shit, that I keep forgetting about, that I keep feeding and forget to stay friggin' present. Damn. I need to reprogram myself every DAY.

A Strange Thing I Do That Helps

Something that I do that REALLY helps me, is I take a great book (non-fiction, self-help, or Al-Anon) and read it with a Yellow Highlighter.

What is different that just normally highlighting the book, is I buy a spiral bound notebook and copy many of the sentences and passages into the notebook.

I started doing this every morning 20 years ago. I started with library books before Barnes and Nobles was on every corner and when Amazon was just a river.

I did this every morning for about an hour or two.

What happened is truly amazing. I started with business books. And what happened over the course of about 3 years was my life, my career took off. I knew more on the subject of business than my peers and my managers recognized I "had something." (maybe a little arrogance)

I did this with self help - from speaking to how your mind works to time management to leadership and management. All this helped me to be positive.

Every morning I would be walking on air. My head was swirling before I went into the office.

I would be so much better in my thinking and so much more control in my thinking about thinking.

My reactions to others would be so much more in check and balance.

But somewhere over the past few months I have gotten away from doing this every morning. I stopped going to bed at 9:30PM.

I started this again this morning. Just grabbing a spiral bound notebook and rewriting passages - and it is truly amazing . . . .

This cheap gift has helped me and my thinking once more. I feel - well - unburdened - enlightened. It is like - how can I explain - like I am light headed - in touch - happier, peaceful, aware, cognizant of my surroundings . . . It's like affirming, and meditating, at the same time as seeking the truth and knowledge of the universe. You become - well - One with your thinking and your HP.

When I travel I do/did the same - whether at Starbucks or McDonald's - again - early in the morning, concentrating, writing or rewriting these sentences, really grasping the meaning behind the words. Amazed that the author could capture the idea and concept so clearly in just a sentence or two.

I urge you to try this. Whether with Al-Anon books or self-help or your profession . . .

I think you will be amazed. By the way, and again - this might seem obsessive - the best notebooks are at Walmart during the time when school comes in. You can buy them for 15 cents a piece by Norcom - 70 pages. Weird that I would know this I know. But what would expect from a person affected by alcoholism? Or is it because I am just weird? Probably weird.

Try this - you will be amazed

Update

On Tuesday afternoon I learned that my trial for divorce was postponed. The judge was not going to be in Monday.

Interesting. Relieved on Wednesday. Stressed out on Thursday.

Wait. Wait some more.

It's is a racket. My lawyer is so busy he cannot even recall telling me that he told me things before. I pushed him yesterday as to why I am on the defensive. I filed for divorce because of alcoholism, one of the 6 reasons to get divorced in my state. He said, "That's an interesting position." Then proceeded to get another lawyer on the phone to brainstorm.

I want to scream, "Jesus Christ!!"

What a racket. Both attorneys can make this thing go on forever. Milking it. Now wonder people go broke.

My wife lies. I reviewed her Financial Statement. All of a sudden her savings accounts have gone down. Oh, yes. She writes checks for cash in the amount of $500 every 3 or 4 days. She goes to the ATM, and pulls out $200, or $300. Oh yes, I pay all the bills still.

Okay, I ask God, I know this is to teach me something. You have a plan. And it will all work out.

Thank God - I have a program. I don't always follow it. But I have a program.

Last night I went to a meeting. It was on Stress. Everyone is stressed these days. The number of people out of work is amazing. I see them in meetings. I used to try to help them in the beginning, now it's just too many to help.

For my office, I am looking for a sales exec. But I cannot find one qualified enough. I just hired two in the past two months. We just hired another professional who starts next week. So there are jobs out there. I thought I would write this part for inspiration to those who may be impacted by the economy.

This is a time to work hard on the program. To learn patience. To not rush and push things. God's time. Patience dear Joseph - is my mantra.

I Go To Court Next Monday

Next week I go to court. This week I prepare.

I have tried to mediate, I have prayed and prepared. I have done the "leg work."

Now I turn it over my HP. Where would I be without a program?

For this, I am grateful every day I can remember this.

Resentments

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night where the discussion was on resentment.

I heard some neat tidbits. Here's one;

"When I begin to feel a resentment, that's the moment where I began to feel like a victim."

Here's a few more;

"My resentments usually are when I am trying to get someone to do something other than what they are doing."

"I am trying to control reasonable responses or reactions of others."

Note the key word here is "reasonable." These responses of others (or reactions or actions) may be and probably all are, reasonable. Ya know why? Just because they are not what I might do or say, doesn't make them unreasonable.


The key one I heard was . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . "To give up resentment, try forgiveness."

OKAY. NOW ABOUT ME
I am going court next month. It is a trial by jury. Yes. In my state we have the option of trial by jury in divorce cases. I made several (a bunch, probably too many) attempts to settle, to mediate, and offer a last settlement. No answer. No counter offer.

So, I pray.

I resent the legal system. I wanted to share that I resent divorce lawyers. The truth always get skewed. And when dealing with an alcoholic and attorney who want MONEY, this is like setting your money on fire and trying to douse the flames with gasoline.

My child has also been impacted. She listens to every conversation my wife has had about me and obviously what is said not positive. I resent that too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am trying to let go and let God. I run to relieve the stress, but I hit a wall at about 20 minutes into the run, and I have to stop. No energy. No ZEST.

So, now, I turn this over to God with this post (And probably a few more between now and then).


And now I am going to . . . . . . . Forgive.

Be Glad You're Not My 4 O'Clock

In Al-Anon the other day at a meeting - one guy shared. He said he was going through a divorce and was dating someone else and she and he had a problem that was fairly significant (I won't reveal for anonymity reasons).

But suffice it to say, the problem was pretty big and therefore stressful.

He went to his doctor and the doctor listened to his "I can't sleep" story. The doctor said, "You know, you are probably depressed. But this too shall pass. And, be glad you're not my 4 o'clock."

The man said, "How so, Doctor?"

The reply, "I have a 4PM appointment this afternoon with a man who is your age and I have to tell him he has Lou Gehrig's disease and he has two years to live. He would trade places with you in a heart beat. He would take all your problems and more, to know he has another 40 years or so to live."

Perspective. I needed that. I will always remember the; "Be glad you're not my 4 o'clock" as a title/reminder to my stressful situations.

Going to Trial

Well, yesterday we crossed the threshold. We are going to trial. It appears there is no turning back. Unfortunately the evidence I am introducing will probably have a negative effect on any future co-parenting and will probably place child custody or child time with my wife in jeopardy. In addition, I have all these checks that my spouse wrote to herself and turned around about bought stocks with. I have this evidence - that one day - just popped up.

It is strange this world of alcoholism. It is like curse and a gift. It has cursed me when I am in my own head. When I relax and let go - and get out side my head - there is this thing - that I cannot explain or put into words - that happens. I "find" things. Or things "find me."

Synchronicity may be a word. Or serendipity. Maybe not. But it's like, what I need is there. It does not happen when I want it. But like - it occurs a couple of days later or even weeks later. I just have to remember what it is I am needing and it appears.

I know. It sounds weird. But these checks -all of a sudden were there. This happened about a year ago. Checks that were 8 or 9 or 10 years old - were in a drawer in my old house. I am watching the Super Bowl and this "force" tells me to look in the drawer next to me in the table. I was too busy I told myself - I had to watch this football game. (I was alone, depressed, victimized, a little of Al-Anon kicking and breathing). But the voice said - "Look!! Go in that draw and open it and look!!"

I did. And there they were.

This happened again and . . . again.

I cannot force things. I cannot control things. I must just relax and let everything unfold.

Syd's comment was - well - accurate (I used to say "Right" but that got into a Right versus Wrong thing that I don't like anymore.)

Manipulation can be subtle or RIGHT OUT THERE.

I am going to trial. We cross the point of no return - today or early next week. So it is written.

More of the Same

Well, it's been awhile since I've reported on my situation. I have avoided the report - due to fear and apprehension of stating more of the same.

When dealing with an alcoholic and their problems - their problems become "untouchable" or "unspeakable." They only want to talk about YOUR problems and what YOU did. They have this miraculous gift of concealing that they do anything wrong and make you the victim and blame.

I know - the words "Make you . . . " are trigger words.

There is no make you. Unfortunately this is not reality in law cases such as divorce.

She (my wife) screams at me into the phone and says things that are manipulative. I press the little red button on the left side of my cell phone that says, "Off" when this happens. But she still gets enough words in edge wise to make a dent in my head and create a recurring voice that says, "Maybe she's right."

And then you have her attorney who is manipulating her for everything she is worth. I have offered and reoffered to mediate. She and her attorney walked out of mediation. I have sent several emails stating that this is ridiculous and that no one but the lawyers will win.

Unfortunately, I cannot get through. I am considering writing her parents to explain that truly I want to mediate and end this - but fairly - for all sides. I will not take a lessor position and equitable distribution of my marital possessions - which is what her attorney is pushing for.

I am wanting to end this so we can both get on with our lives.

Never marry someone who needs to be fixed. You cannot fix anyone. You can only recover yourself. And part of your (MY) recovery is knowing where I start and stop in terms of my life and my thinking and what I have control over. You - or me - cannot go looking for someone to teach, coach, counsel, advise or repair. It is frustrating. Because our childhood upbringing has taught us to look for these people. And I attract them like magnets. Or I look for things to fix. Or I don't really see what to fix when I meet them and I view reality through rose colored glasses until the glasses one day begin sliding off the nose.

I turn my question over to the Universe; "Do I write my in-laws a letter hoping to influence the alcoholic. Or do I continue to let the lawyers fill their pockets with our money?"

Dreaming

Okay this might be weird sounding. But in the midst of my divorce and battling my wife's alcoholism, I shut down my brain at night so I could go to sleep.

Shut down? Well maybe not exactly shut down. But what happened was I very - and I mean very rarely dreamed for the past several - 9 or 10 - months. I know - I dream - you say, I just don't remember the dreams.

Perhaps.

The past several weeks has brought me to a clearer frame of mind. I am seeing things more clearly - more defined - sharper. I recognized this the other night. I was not in a funk - I was present.

Last night I dreamed - now get this - of my lawyer. Yep. Lawyer.

I woke up on the edge of the dream - reviewing something my wife had or something - and he was very interested in it. It was - I think - her not working or not wanting to work.

Damn. I wonder if the bastard is going to bill me.

PS - for those of you who have not had a messy divorce, you have no idea how long it takes to divorce and what a crappy, unfair (for both sides) process this is. The lawyers DO milk it. It is like a funeral home. Everyone is emotional, and you can sell just about anything.

So Real Quick, Here's Where I Am

OKAY. I have so been so busy with work, I have not been able to go to any Al-Anon meetings, until this week and last weekend.

I am - well - I am not sure. My wife has been stirred up by her lawyer to go to court and not mediate. I want this to end.

We are fighting about house price, splitting of money, and wait 'til you hear this; who has to pay for the dog's baths and haircuts! Yep. Apparently the $80 a month haircuts I was screaming about when I was living in the house are now an issue for my soon-to-be ex-spouse. I used to say that our dog doesn't need an $80 haircut every month. But my wife, in her disease liked to spend the money.

My haircut, for the record is $16. Somehow I feel gypped (robbed, second class). And I would stretch that haircut to 5 weeks if I could brush the hair back around my ears.

I have in the past 5 months decided a haircut every 3 weeks is what I need.

Haircuts. What?!
Yep. Haircuts. Listen to what I was doing. I certainly had/have enough money for them. But I would not treat myself well. Interesting. Even as I write this, a haircut every 3 weeks sounds like pampering.

Speaking of pampering . . .
I met someone who asked me if I ever had a facial. "A what?!" was my reply. I found out through my scientific investigation that a lot of men get facials. And, get this, massages.

Yep. Never have. Maybe I should consider this. It's hard to allow other people to touch me. It feels. sounds, well, awkward.

Back to the meetings this week . . .
I am resentful. I want - well - peace. I saw this in my mind sitting there in the meetings yesterday and day before. My thinking is, without the meetings; "My wife is selfish and that is the disease. I cannot get untangled from this crazy person. She is pissed at times accusing me of abandoning her. Maybe I have. Maybe I freed myself from her so I could get well. I started off with the intention of protecting my/our child."

In the meetings, I see that I wound up seeing more clearly how I am the person I wound up protecting or saving. I am clearly better than I was living in the crazy zone.

I am - this is going to sound weird - more in touch with my feelings. This too comes from the meetings and sitting there, feeling myself and allowing the feelings come through and not cover them up. I know I am afraid of shit now. And that my anger or sharpness is based on fear. Fear seems to be at the root of my bad reactions and negative thoughts.

Don't get me wrong. I am a pretty happy person. I am positive - most of the time. But until this stuff is settled, I feel like I have an iron ball and chain around my leg.

Hmmmmm . . . .
"What if, this is meant to teach me something?" I now think this about question more often when something happens. "What if God, my Higher Power, has a plan for me. One I cannot see yet?" is the other question I get in my brain because of meetings.

That is what Al-Anon reminded me of this week. That I cannot see the plan - yet. Be patient. It all works out. Remember?

Last Night - at 3AM
Last night, no that's not true, this morning, I awoke. Yep, 3AM again. I asked God for help again. Guide me through this I asked. Help my wife and heal her anger. Heal her disease. Make her a happy person.

This thought stayed with me longer than I care to admit.

I am back to praying she is well. And, she finds a boy-friend. Yep. Maybe that would help her take her attention away from shoot arrows at me. The boy-friend thing is better than thinking of her being dead. You have to at least give me that.

Well, this morning I am praying for her to get well.

There was a reading yesterday in Al-Anon, about thinking. Someone shared "My best thinking got me into this mess. Now I don't go into that bad neighborhood alone anymore. I call my sponsor." I heard the " best thinking" thing before as well as the "neighborhood" thing. At least we are consistent at Al-Anon. Maybe not fresh in the new-idea department, but consistent.

Peace this day to you.

And this is where I am today.

What You May Learn

OK. So this disease got me. I found a person who was an alcoholic. Just when I ran from home and went to college never to return except for Christmas, I am now running again. Far away from the disease. Except the disease is in me too. I may not be allergic to alcohol, but I have been infected - and inflicted and affected.

I expressed my love in my marriage by "allowing" my wife to write checks out of what we both thought was my personal checking (it turns out that it is ours under marital statutes). And the checks I "allowed" her to write were paying off the bills.

I now have found a bunch of checks from 1995 to the near present where she was writing checks to herself! Yikers! Normally I would be pissed. Or should I be pissed. These are not small checks either. They are for $1,000, $1,600, $3,000, $2,600, $1,500. A lot of these size checks. Not $100 here or $150 there. And I don't have all the checks - I may have about 5% of them.

I never paid attention. The joint account grew, it just seemed not to grow as fast as I thought it should and would and could.

Now I know why. She was writing checks to herself. And it didn't stop there.

She had her own personal AMEX Card. I see now she was paying from our joint account at $1,600, $1880, $450, etc. too. A lot of these too. I mean almost every month. What the hell was she buying????

My "trust" was to allow her to take care of the bills while I worked.

But you may think, as my lawyers do/did, "you are an idiot."

But, in my defense, I did not know she was an alcoholic!!! I just thought she had - I am sorry - PMS 25 out of the 30/31 days a month. In my defense, she comes from a very good family. A family worth - several million dollars. Who would have thought an alcoholic could come from such a nice home??

And she has several hundred thousand of her own money. Her money really grew over the years AND now I know why!!

Now you would think that this would be easy to figure out in court and mediation. Wouldn't you? Nope. No one wants to look at the details. No one gives a shit about details.

And just for the record - all lawyers aren't that frickin' smart either. Some are - some aren't.

Man - divorce sucks. It is an emotional drainer. I am dealing with an alcoholic on the other side of the table who is "pissed that I left her." But what about me??? She left me!! She was drinking all these years - a closet drinker - whom I thought had an "equilibrium problem" and/or a PMS problem. ALL THESE YEARS?!

Now as we separate the finances, she wants more of my money. She wants me to suffer. So my disease wants me to think. I almost feel like giving in. Then at Al-Anon I shared and a guy came up to me later and told me about his partner. And the advice from his sponsor "Don't give way because you feel guilty or you mistake compassion for 'allowance' - you have to stand up and fight for yourself."

OK. Good advice. I needed to hear that. My therapist told me the same about 6 months ago. Don't you quit!!

It will either work out or it will work out.

Not Everything Goes According To Plan

OK. Yesterday - was okay - in some ways it sucked. I was provoked by the alcoholic and by her attorney. And I provoked. And I argued back.

Arguing with an alcoholic's attorney. Now that is a new concept for Al-Anon. I think my wife's attorney was surprised. My attorney was surprised - for sure. My disease is I was so used to arguing with the alcoholic - arguing with a semi-sane person was/is actually fun.

Yes. I know. I shouldn't have. I am sort of beating myself up this morning and at the same time, realizing everything is as it is for a reason.

Everything is as it was meant to be.

There is comfort in that.

Holding Your Thoughts

Today I am working on holding my positive thoughts and overriding my worries.

I am a little anxious. Friday I go to mediation with my wife and the lawyers. The lawyers want money - our money. I pray for God's will and that I see it and my wife sees it. I am strategizing how the mediation will go as my wife is very well-to-do and has family money. But as I have learned, I have to let go of the outcome and allow God - my Higher Power - to step in.

I am not in control of the outcome - but I can do the necessary steps to prepare.

I am much happier than I was a year ago. I know everything that has happened has a reason.

I am very blessed and fortunate. When I allow my feelings to turn to gratitude and feeling blessed, I feel less anxious.

I have not been to a meeting since Friday. My schedule is off. I will go today at noon.

Hope you all are well.

Friday's Lesson (For Me)

I had a tough event the other day. We had a divorce event - the deposition of my wife.

It was - in a word - horrible. The grilling that came about from the lying, made the event much longer.

I had a headache during and after the event, because I am an Al-Anoner. I felt for her. I empathized. I wanted to "rescue" her. Just tell the truth and this wouldn't take so long.

The next day I was called an SOB by the wife.

I wanted to reach out talk to her, tell her I was sorry. I wanted to scold my lawyer. I wanted to get everyone happy again. Sounds ridiculous of course.

Fortunately my sponsor answered my call. He was shopping at the grocery store (he is a stay at home dad). It was about 9AM. He was somewhere in the cereal aisle.

I told him about my wanting to fix. I was "jumping around in the squirrel cage," he said. Beautiful observation.

He also said, "This is a disease of arguments." Also beautiful. It sure is.

He also said, "I heard the other night, "I bought this frame, now if I could only get this picture to fit." Hmmm. Interesting. Yep. I have this filter or lens of how I see the world and I want the world to fit my point of view.

He said, "Joe, write out on paper everything you feel in unmanageable. Everything from your attorney's fees, your wife's feelings, your wife's calling you an SOB, to your daughter's saying she hates you, and everything else. And you can put it in your God box or shred it or whatever. Just write it down and get it out of your head."

Simple instruction. Simple action. There was resistance from my ego which said, "Don't write it down or else I will have nothing else to obsess about." Yep. I wrote it down. It was virtually gone from my mind. And I was able to clear the wanting to call everyone and "make it right."

Today I am grateful. I have a program. I have a sponsor. I am very lucky.

My Pause Button and Fear

Rereading Tolle's book the past few days. Trying to stay present. Trying to understand how I am identifying with my fears and how this identification with my fears is creating havoc for me.

So, when I identify with what might happen - that is - the bad thing(s) that might happen - I lose serenity. Here's what I do;

I begin visualizing the drama that might play out. I imagine people in a room, talking or arguing, and it comes around to me, or about me. Some where, some how, I am criticized. I become, . . . , "less than." This pisses me off. And I react.

My reaction is usually tenseness. A tightening in the solar plexus. Shoulders tighten. I forget to breath.

I then leave the present moment and build escape routes in my mind.

A True Story
This happened at work yesterday. Before I went to work, my soon to be ex-wife sent a shit-eating email to me. I was "threatened." [As I write this - I realize how ridiculous this is; I am threatened by a freakin' email. Are you kidding me?!] I reply back. I barrage her with everything I have. I am typing furiously. I become the Shakespeare of modern day emails - my email has both attack and defense. It goes; "If you think this . . ." and "Do really believe you are not delusional and . . . "

Well, this isn't what I really wrote - but the jist is the same.

Fortunately there is this gap - a space now in my mind. It is a pause button. Albeit, a very small button. The pause button allows me to remember this "x" on the email - upper right. You know, the one that closes the email. I look. I pause again.

"But it is so well-written, this email.", my little ego says. "Send this. Send this" my ego chants.

Microsoft and the "Draft Option"
I am paused. I press the "x" at the right hand side of the email, It comes back with the option, "Do you want to save as a draft?" type of option. I click "draft" - essentially saying - "Save this for later." What it doesn't say, but it maybe implied is this: "For at this moment you are a moron and a lunatic. When you are better tomorrow - you can send it - if you decide to."

What happens is; I will not even read it and probably never delete it. This is just in case I need some more fiery words and beautiful attack prose. I have about 20 drafts now, sitting there, waiting to be reopened, reread, reused and sent.

Thank God or my HP for allowing me to get a "pause" button in my life. It is a small pause button, but it one just the same. And thank you Bill Gates and team for allowing me to save the emails to a Draft folder.

How-Freakin'-Ever (Or I was almost good)
How-freakin'-ever, and I do mean "how-freakin'-ever" - I did talk to my soon to ex-wife. I called her. I was like a moth to a flame.

My conversation drifted into parts of the netherworld. I brought them there, because my ex-wife knew where my buttons were. And of course, I would not be trespassed against by her insults. So, I - the King of Fear - and the Prince of Rejection - put up the barricades against the assault and placed all the troops along the fortress walls. Waiting with my slings and arrows to fire. And that they did. My slings and arrows are now pretty good at aiming. I know that the knees are weak and I can attack there. The adrenaline was coursing through my body, I was in "fight-mode" now. No turning back, no disengaging, you still have that shit-eating email you read, and that is underlying the defensive posture you are taking right now, so fire away!

Shit - she hung up on me. Hmmm. Must have wounded her. Adrenaline still flowing. Maybe call her again and fire the words I have saved up from previous draft emails.

Okay. In reality - my mind does not think like this - the "building the barricades" thing and the "slings and arrows" thing is really the caffeine this morning - and in truth another part of me that hopes you will think I am funny, witty and smart. And then there is another part of my - hoping you get the drift and relate to what happened to me. This is the "I hope I can fix you part of me." [Jezz, how many parts are there of me?]

Back to the story.

I was engaged, and damn it, it felt friggin' good. I was clear headed and articulate. I engaged with the precision of a brain surgeon.

Ed - The Dude
Another pause button. It comes in the form of "I wonder what Ed would say?" Ed is my sponsor. He is cool. A cool dude who I trust. He is a smart dude too. [Why this dude thing? I have no clue.]

I call my sponsor. Finally. "Hey Ed. Need some help here. I am addicted to the adrenaline. I am clear headed. I am not angry. I am precise. I need for you to help me to stop."

Ed answers. He asks me questions. This is like hitting the needle on the record player - if you remember this. To those too young - it is ejecting the CD from the player essentially.

He always calms me. I laugh at myself. He says, "Where is your serenity?" [This one gets me now. I am programmed to aim for serenity - aim is the key word].

He says, "Call someone in the program, call me, journal, but what the heck are you doing calling her?" Well this is not an exact quote. But he says, "you are fighting with alcoholism. You are wanting her to recover, why?" Basically I have this sad and logical excuse, "Weeellll, to save my child." It is lame. I know now that it cannot be done.

Another excuse lingers; "I have a crazy wife - soon to be ex-wife - who is blaming me for her drinking, tells me yesterday that her friends say 'If I were married to Joe, I would drink too.'"

When I reminded her, after that rediculous statement she made, that her friends loved and adored me, because I was sooo funny and that they always asked if I was going with the group, she got pissed off and hung up.

And of course, not letting sleeping dogs lie, I called her and asked her; "So, which friends actually said this?" - as if I would get an answer - And then I did the ultimate - I said, "If you are saying this, and really believe it, you are NOT in recovery."

Getting Recovery - Pause to Stop
Yepity depity. I was in true form yesterday. I was unproductive at work part of the day - But, I was fully engaged.

My sponsor. My sponsor. My sponsor. He is a pause button for me.

PAUSE. Better yet; STOP. I need to build I new button. A STOP button.

A Little More On Where My Fear Is Coming From
Anyway, our mediation date was set up and changed and now set up again. For those who are not familiar with mediation date, this is the last ditch effort to dissolve the marriage and spilt stuff up and get on with a new life as amicably as possible. It is the last ditch effort before a true court date. My fear is I am dealing with an alcoholic. And this alcoholic knows how to obfuscate and deceive. I feel she is not facing the music and she is making me out to be the bad guy. And that makes my fear rise in my chest and head. I am not the bad guy here. But some how, she knows how to get me thinking that maybe I am.

Hope this helps you to see what is running through my head - at least what was going on yesterday for me.

One More Thing - Steps 1 & 3
I need a break. I need another Step 3. Oh, by the way, my sponsor said many things, but he said, "Sounds like your life has become unmanageable. Have you gone to Step 1 and Step 3 yet?" He also said, don't go and make amends when I asked "Duh, should I call and apologize?" He said, "No. You are jumping all the Steps if you do. They are in sequence for a reason. Do Step 1 and 3 - you already believe in a HP. He has already acted in your life. Use your HP again - today." Great advice. I need to follow it. All this advice and it is soooo for free.