My Pause Button and Fear

Rereading Tolle's book the past few days. Trying to stay present. Trying to understand how I am identifying with my fears and how this identification with my fears is creating havoc for me.

So, when I identify with what might happen - that is - the bad thing(s) that might happen - I lose serenity. Here's what I do;

I begin visualizing the drama that might play out. I imagine people in a room, talking or arguing, and it comes around to me, or about me. Some where, some how, I am criticized. I become, . . . , "less than." This pisses me off. And I react.

My reaction is usually tenseness. A tightening in the solar plexus. Shoulders tighten. I forget to breath.

I then leave the present moment and build escape routes in my mind.

A True Story
This happened at work yesterday. Before I went to work, my soon to be ex-wife sent a shit-eating email to me. I was "threatened." [As I write this - I realize how ridiculous this is; I am threatened by a freakin' email. Are you kidding me?!] I reply back. I barrage her with everything I have. I am typing furiously. I become the Shakespeare of modern day emails - my email has both attack and defense. It goes; "If you think this . . ." and "Do really believe you are not delusional and . . . "

Well, this isn't what I really wrote - but the jist is the same.

Fortunately there is this gap - a space now in my mind. It is a pause button. Albeit, a very small button. The pause button allows me to remember this "x" on the email - upper right. You know, the one that closes the email. I look. I pause again.

"But it is so well-written, this email.", my little ego says. "Send this. Send this" my ego chants.

Microsoft and the "Draft Option"
I am paused. I press the "x" at the right hand side of the email, It comes back with the option, "Do you want to save as a draft?" type of option. I click "draft" - essentially saying - "Save this for later." What it doesn't say, but it maybe implied is this: "For at this moment you are a moron and a lunatic. When you are better tomorrow - you can send it - if you decide to."

What happens is; I will not even read it and probably never delete it. This is just in case I need some more fiery words and beautiful attack prose. I have about 20 drafts now, sitting there, waiting to be reopened, reread, reused and sent.

Thank God or my HP for allowing me to get a "pause" button in my life. It is a small pause button, but it one just the same. And thank you Bill Gates and team for allowing me to save the emails to a Draft folder.

How-Freakin'-Ever (Or I was almost good)
How-freakin'-ever, and I do mean "how-freakin'-ever" - I did talk to my soon to ex-wife. I called her. I was like a moth to a flame.

My conversation drifted into parts of the netherworld. I brought them there, because my ex-wife knew where my buttons were. And of course, I would not be trespassed against by her insults. So, I - the King of Fear - and the Prince of Rejection - put up the barricades against the assault and placed all the troops along the fortress walls. Waiting with my slings and arrows to fire. And that they did. My slings and arrows are now pretty good at aiming. I know that the knees are weak and I can attack there. The adrenaline was coursing through my body, I was in "fight-mode" now. No turning back, no disengaging, you still have that shit-eating email you read, and that is underlying the defensive posture you are taking right now, so fire away!

Shit - she hung up on me. Hmmm. Must have wounded her. Adrenaline still flowing. Maybe call her again and fire the words I have saved up from previous draft emails.

Okay. In reality - my mind does not think like this - the "building the barricades" thing and the "slings and arrows" thing is really the caffeine this morning - and in truth another part of me that hopes you will think I am funny, witty and smart. And then there is another part of my - hoping you get the drift and relate to what happened to me. This is the "I hope I can fix you part of me." [Jezz, how many parts are there of me?]

Back to the story.

I was engaged, and damn it, it felt friggin' good. I was clear headed and articulate. I engaged with the precision of a brain surgeon.

Ed - The Dude
Another pause button. It comes in the form of "I wonder what Ed would say?" Ed is my sponsor. He is cool. A cool dude who I trust. He is a smart dude too. [Why this dude thing? I have no clue.]

I call my sponsor. Finally. "Hey Ed. Need some help here. I am addicted to the adrenaline. I am clear headed. I am not angry. I am precise. I need for you to help me to stop."

Ed answers. He asks me questions. This is like hitting the needle on the record player - if you remember this. To those too young - it is ejecting the CD from the player essentially.

He always calms me. I laugh at myself. He says, "Where is your serenity?" [This one gets me now. I am programmed to aim for serenity - aim is the key word].

He says, "Call someone in the program, call me, journal, but what the heck are you doing calling her?" Well this is not an exact quote. But he says, "you are fighting with alcoholism. You are wanting her to recover, why?" Basically I have this sad and logical excuse, "Weeellll, to save my child." It is lame. I know now that it cannot be done.

Another excuse lingers; "I have a crazy wife - soon to be ex-wife - who is blaming me for her drinking, tells me yesterday that her friends say 'If I were married to Joe, I would drink too.'"

When I reminded her, after that rediculous statement she made, that her friends loved and adored me, because I was sooo funny and that they always asked if I was going with the group, she got pissed off and hung up.

And of course, not letting sleeping dogs lie, I called her and asked her; "So, which friends actually said this?" - as if I would get an answer - And then I did the ultimate - I said, "If you are saying this, and really believe it, you are NOT in recovery."

Getting Recovery - Pause to Stop
Yepity depity. I was in true form yesterday. I was unproductive at work part of the day - But, I was fully engaged.

My sponsor. My sponsor. My sponsor. He is a pause button for me.

PAUSE. Better yet; STOP. I need to build I new button. A STOP button.

A Little More On Where My Fear Is Coming From
Anyway, our mediation date was set up and changed and now set up again. For those who are not familiar with mediation date, this is the last ditch effort to dissolve the marriage and spilt stuff up and get on with a new life as amicably as possible. It is the last ditch effort before a true court date. My fear is I am dealing with an alcoholic. And this alcoholic knows how to obfuscate and deceive. I feel she is not facing the music and she is making me out to be the bad guy. And that makes my fear rise in my chest and head. I am not the bad guy here. But some how, she knows how to get me thinking that maybe I am.

Hope this helps you to see what is running through my head - at least what was going on yesterday for me.

One More Thing - Steps 1 & 3
I need a break. I need another Step 3. Oh, by the way, my sponsor said many things, but he said, "Sounds like your life has become unmanageable. Have you gone to Step 1 and Step 3 yet?" He also said, don't go and make amends when I asked "Duh, should I call and apologize?" He said, "No. You are jumping all the Steps if you do. They are in sequence for a reason. Do Step 1 and 3 - you already believe in a HP. He has already acted in your life. Use your HP again - today." Great advice. I need to follow it. All this advice and it is soooo for free.

"Gee, Thanks for Sharing."

Al-Anon - a good one liner for people trying to provoke us.

I must admit, I stole this one liner. I stole it from the website - Loveandlogic.com

The website is about raising children and has some great articles. One of the articles is about "tease proofing" our children. The article discusses how a 2nd grade teacher taught his class a "cool look" and how to maintain it when being teased. It also gave a one-liner for the child to say back to the tormentor.

The one-liner "Thanks for sharing."

I thought, "How cool."

I was hooked by my qualifier last week. I engaged. I retorted. I gave my rebuttal.

But I lost serenity. Not a good trade.

It happened again yesterday when she called and told me how "unnice" I am.

Well, the next time someone says something that may trigger me, I am going to say, "Thanks for sharing." with no hostility or anger or sarcasm. I need to work on the cool look though. My child says I look anything but cool. "Geez, thanks for sharing!"

For more on my stealing here is the pdf http://www.loveandlogic.com/pdfs/teaseproof.pdf

Our Emotional Responses

I am trying more than ever, to recognize how my thinking triggers my emotions and therefore, my responses.

I have known this for a long time, that; event triggers thinking, past thinking or conditioning interprets the event, and the thinking triggers the body or emotion, which triggers the reaction, which triggers more thinking. A loop if you will.

Since my qualifier has become worse in her addiction, I recognize how I react and reacted to issues and situations through my emotions. AND importantly, how the reactions and emotions can now be changed by going to the source.

And the source is NOT my qualifier (Okay, in truth, the source is my qualifier). But I cannot control my qualifier, but I can control my thinking and my interpretation of the event or statement or circumstance.

These are "triggers." If I can interpret the "triggers" differently - that is, not to identify the trigger with me or who I am, I then can choose how I allow my body to react (aka emotion).

Our mind - or our voices in our mind - can be allowed to run rampantly, like untamed, wild horses, - if we allow our mind to do so. These voices usually drift into a dysfunctional rant. And the voice, if allowed, becomes more trained in its dysfunctional rant, because it knows what buttons to push inside of your head. And, then, when you qualifier "tests" you, he/she finds these same buttons. And you have the internal voice not supporting you and the trigger from the qualifier hitting these buttons of doubt and anger and fear - you react emotionally. The reaction starts with your thinking which jumps to the body - a flight or fight type response. The body responds with chemicals and triggers emotions - or emotional responses.

Soon, if we continue to allow this to happen, the neural pathway becomes a neural superhighway, because the path widens and deepens with events and - and this is important - replaying the negative events over and over in our minds. You see, the mind and body cannot tell the difference between a real experience or an experience played out in our minds.

So one negative event that actually occurs, becomes a negative event the occurs ten more times because we replay it in our minds. And this is not good!

Solution
We need to think about this. When we have an event, we need to reframe it. And we need to disassociate from it. We need to put space between the event and the reaction.

Space can be time. Don't respond or react. Go out of the room. Go for a run. Go for a walk. Put time space between the event and your response.

Space can be dissassociation from the event. We can not allow ourselves to associate with it or allow it to become part of our identity. That is, not allow it to "be us." We are not the event. We are not our labels. We are certainly not what others label us. Just be. We just are.

Space is also, staying present. Staying in the now. Now means not allowing us to think about the past or the future. Stay present. Think about right now. NOW.

Another Little Solution
Observe the voices in your head. I read somewhere, that if you place a rubber band on your wrist, and pulled it back and snapped it against your wrist every time you had a negative thought you can really see and observe how many negative thoughts you have in a day.

Now I never tried this, but as soon as I find a rubber band, I am going to do this!!! You will be able to identify me in the airport this afternoon - I will be the guy with the welts on his wrist.

We're Controlling? Yeah, right.

I am learning that the more I try to control, that I am really being controlled.

This is the most powerful sentence I will write today. So I could stop right (write) there. But of course, I am codependent and I am verbose. A double whammy. What a nightmare.

Okay. What do I mean about being controlled? Well, let's face facts. Who has been called a "control freak" . . . ? Raise your right hand. Higher. A little higher. The curvature of the earth is preventing me from seeing all those hands.

Okay. That's established. 101% of us have been labeled this by our friends - the qualifiers. But if you dig deeper - past what you are doing to control, and look into how you started to try to control the situation, I'll bet you a dollar (Canadian or US, Euros too), that you can pinpoint it to an event or a statement that caused you to react.

To react.

Those are the two (2) key words. Count 'em if you like. Two.

To react. Yikes. Look and research. Go back over past "encounters."

Next time, try to replace your response with, "Is that so?" Or, "Hmmm." Or "I hear you." And stop. Don't react. Don't empathize (this is a gift and a curse, as I am a BIGGGG empathizer). Don't sympathize. The difference is; "I feel your pain" versus "I am sorry you have pain."

Just let it sit there - that statement or mood or their reaction or behavior. Watch it float around the room you are in, like a separate inanimate object. Try this. It may help you to picture it as an object that you know and that cannot hurt you, like an orange or apple. See it come out their mouths. When they (our button pusher friends), try to push our buttons and cause us to react (which feeds their pain and gets our pain up and running), watch the words, literally come out of their mouths.

I know this may sound a little weird. But it helps us to NOT identify with the harsh criticism or the provocation. It helps to make the words or behavior something a little odd in our minds, like an orange or an apple. See the orange come out of their mouths. "Plop." Right out of their mouths, onto the floor or table. "Plop."

Observe it, like a disinterested third-party. This will help you . . .

Disassociate.

Remember, they are trying to push your buttons. If you can stop yourself from reacting, you are no longer being controlled. And the control we usually reply with, no longer needs to be . . . , well, replied with. This is a liberating feeling. And if you're into a little revenge, it pisses them off! :-)

Just For Today

What a life I have led or lived. I am grateful for all the help so many have given me lately, when I spoke and others sensed I needed help or reassurance at Al-Anon, I got a hug and asked by people to go to lunch.

I am starting to get my act together, slowly, but surely. I realize that after so many years, when I thought I had my act together and I was sincere, that maybe, just maybe, I had this thin veil over my life and over my struggles and my wanting to just be "accepted" and be "appreciated."

I look at the words I typed above, specifically, "get my act together." Jeez, am I being "unhumble" (is that even a word?)?

Weekend
I am having a good day today. I have prayed all weekend. I had a tough couple of moments when my wife and I (wife = qualifier) engaged. Actually I did not engage, but she tried to. I was pretty happy to see that I could detach with love, and separate from her shots at me. Those shots are her pain. She doesn't want my love. It is strange. I wish she did. It would be so easy for me to fall back into my care-taking role.

Asking If You Want Help Before Giving It
The computer broke - the one we use. I tried to fix it. It was hard. My qualifier's email was not working. Some how I was blamed for that. I offered to fix it. She said, interestly, "no." I normally would have spent four hours trying to fix it - get pissed because computers and software are frustrating. Then fix it. And not a word of thanks. So now, after I asked if she wanted me to fix it, and she said "No" I walked away from it.

Interesting. I like asking if you want help now instead of just helping and not being appreciated.

I have done the same thing with our daughter. I offer help - or I ask, "Do you want me to help?" And when she says, "No" I am okay with it. Before, I would help without anyone requesting it. I would get sucked in, do it for someone, and never be appreciated.

What a relief. I don't have to help everyone! And, I now ask if they need help. What a difference! My life is a little (a lot?) simpler now. What a little tool, with such big pay-offs.

One Step Forward?
This post drifted a little bit today. I am making progress. Two steps forward, sometimes one step back. Sometimes two steps back, one forward. Sometimes I wind up going back to the same square, I guess to learn the lesson all over again. But . . .

If I am standing in the same place, at least I know where I am. (The same with going in a circle)

Right versus Wrong

I have been reading - a lot lately - about our "ego." I have seen almost the same words in different books talking about our "ego" - what I would call "our false self." I am not sure if this term is something I just made up, or something that I read, so with apologies to anyone who recognizes it as from someone or some writing - please know that I am not "stealing" or trying to take credit.

"False self" is to me a really good term for our ego - the part of us that wants us to identify with another person, another thing (like money, car, prestige, role, etc.) or a situation and being right. Typically this ego - our false self - gets caught up in a "right versus wrong" approach to life. More accurately - it can come down to this; "I am right and you are wrong."

And it carries to this, if you are right and I am wrong, I am "less than" or "I am bad." Our ego gets us caught up in "positions" . . . and not just "being" . . .

Our true self, is wrapped up or cloaked in our ego. Our ego is a "filter" in which we see the world, and presents us with false information that continues to bolster our "position" or beliefs and tries to make us "right."

If we can "surrender" our rationale for being "right" and not fear that being "wrong" makes us less than or not complete, maybe we can live better lives.

Of course, living in a world encased in alcoholism is difficult, because the alcoholic cannot surrender the ego. In fact, arguing makes their ego stronger and in effect emboldens them to carry on. This is a great reason to detach and not engage. Because not only does it make their ego stronger, it makes our ego stronger. Except when it makes our ego stronger, this actually keeps us from achieving serenity, which is really what we want.

This strengthened ego now affects us and how we deal with people on the outside (not in our home and our children), because of the tension and our frustration of dealing with the alcoholic.

We have to remember this too, that until the alcoholic really reaches freedom from working the Steps, they cannot surrender, and their ego, their false selves, are running their lives, making them "right" and never wrong - because they are in denial and wanting to protect the ego and their addiction. And they are great at making us feel "less than."

We need to not engage and remember we are never "less than!"

Some of the information contained here is derived from The Truth About You (Robert Anthony), The New World (Eckart Tolle), Al-Anon literature and a few others.

Communicating is Overrated

"Communicating is Overrated." This was yesterday's topic at an Al-Anon meeting I decided at the last minute to attend.

We laughed our tails off in the meeting. We went around the room saying and admitting that we either "said too much" or "shouldn't have responded at all."

I took particular note of several remarks and I would like to share them in today's blog post.

• As we become more skilled with Al-Anon tools, sometimes we use this new knowledge to control, but just it a little more subtly. Interesting I thought. No not me! But yes, me too.
• Sometimes we respond when in reality the other person just wants to talk. One senior member, someone I respect because of his wisdom, said, "When someone talks, I ask them if they are looking for input from me or if they want a response. I was surprised how often people told me they weren't looking for a response." Interesting. I often respond, thinking that of course they want my opinion.
• I told the group that I get paid to give my opinion. So it's hard to stop. They laughed. I also told them of a story at work, that saved me. See the story below.
• One person said, she has gotten her emails to be very tight and succinct. "When they ask for a phone number in the email, I just send the phone number. No more fluff and no more other words than the digits. Now," she said, "I need to work on that with how I talk."

My Story

There was this person who was mad at everyone in our division. Some how she turned her anger on me. I became the target of her hostility. It was apparent we couldn't work together. She would attack my knowledge in meetings subtly and overtly.

Soon there was a meeting to occur. It was to get us both in "alignment." To end the bickering.

Several management people attended, including our boss and another key leader. The conversation was directed toward who was responsible for what and determine if there was confusion and overlap. It was very sensible.

Then she fired a shot, "Joe and his team don't do this and don't do that." I sat there. I sat quietly, mouth shut, eyes open. Her words rang out loud like a howitzer blast. The echo in the room still reverberating off the walls.

The management team continued with writing the things that needed to be done on the whiteboard and flip charts. Then, out of the blue, another blast, "Joe doesn't do this. And when he does, he doesn't do it well. I sat there. Stomach churned for a second. But I was silent. The words hung in the air with no place to go. They were big fat words of anger. They fell upon the table.

Again this went on several more times, until we broke for lunch. I walked with one of the top leaders and I said, "Just for the record, I took a couple of shots, and I chose not to respond. I am not going to respond, unless you feel otherwise." This President's response was, "It has been noted that you did not respond. I would appreciate it if would continue to not respond."

After lunch a few more shots. But this time, the shot from this one person, were being directed by others not in the room. This went on until 5PM. And when the management team said, "OK, here's what we are going to do . . . " this women closed her laptop, slammed her briefcase on the table and got up and left. She was very angry.

The management team broke up, and the next thing I knew was that the President came to me and said that this person will no longer be with the company by Friday. "Her team will report to you next week," he said.

The "old Joe" would have responded to the attacks. Something, maybe Al-Anon training, helped me take a different tact. The less direct route, which was the silence, was deafening.

It was a lesson I have never forgotten. I do not need to respond to everything.

As my good friend, Ralph Waldo Emerson said once, "What you are shouts so loudly, I cannot hear what you are saying." It is a good reminder for me.

PS - Just to be clear, I was not there when Ralph said this.

Addressing Some Questions Around Alcoholism

Al-Anon Books and Literature - About Alcoholism, Detachment, Is the Spouse to Blame? It never ceases to amaze me how these books and the words impact me every different time I pick them up.

There must be some people who wrote these books who we just absolutely brilliant.

Here are a few Quotes from the Book "How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics"

[Engaging - Why They Engage and What We Can Do]
P30 - "Recognizing Our Options" is the heading. [brackets are my words]
"Alcoholics act and family members and friends react. .... We react because we don't realize we have a choice. ..... if the alcoholic has one end of a rope, and we have the other end, and they give it a tug, we would tug back. It never occurs to us that we don't have to play [referring to the alcoholic's game]. What if we dropped the rope? There is no tug-of-war unless both players hang on to the rope ..... [envision this - dropping the rope. I get it. I am going one step further to make it fun. We drop the rope and the other team on the other side, all fall down! Remember that one?]

.....For example, some alcoholics feel guilty about their need to drink and find it easier to blame the drinking on someone else. Some alcoholics often provoke those around them, trying to start an argument or create a crisis. We who live with them tend to react to this provocation, arguing back, defending ourselves against unjust accusations, making accusations of our own. In the end the alcoholic gets what he is looking for, an excuse to drink. Dry or sober alcoholics use the same tactics to create a diversion so that every ones attention with be drawn away from the topic or situation with which they are comfortable. Dropping the rope means we recognize the behavior pattern and choose not to play the same part any more.

[Enabling] [not the heading] p32
....We don't realize that, by playing our part, we actually contribute to sustaining the disease of alcoholism. We may serve as the enabler, rescuing the alcoholic from unpleasant consequences of their own making. Or we may play the victim, unwillingly stepping in and covering for the alcoholic.

Changing The Part We Play In The Family Disease [Heading] p32
...the most helpful and most loving action any family member can take is to get help for ourselves. By recovering from the effects of this disease we become able to stop playing our part in the family disease. The balance is disrupted. Suddenly it is no longer so comfortable for the alcoholic.

p33
We cannot make choices for other people, even those most important to us. We are not gods, and we can't truly know what is best for anyone else, no matter how obvious a particular course of action may seem to us at the time. Most of us had to hit a "bottom" in personal agony, before we were ready to make real changes in our lives.

Engaged - Getting "hooked"

The Meeting - All About Me and My Alcoholic Spouse and how I engaged and broke off. What I learned.

Last night the Meeting turned to me. The counselor allowed me t0: me blah, blah, blah. I was on a roll. I didn't realize I talked sooo long. I cannot tell if he couldn't figure out how to stop me, for he is a kind and generous man, but I think he saw I was critiquing myself and my actions, and was using this as a learning lesson.

I feel a little guilty about it. Hogging the show that is. But the thing that I feel good about is where I have come from and where I am. Not perfect, never will be, but I recognize how I contribute.

So, let's learn and use my experience as the lesson.

I explained how she (spouse) uses me to throw attention away from the alcohol problem. In fact, he told me this on a phone call once. He said, "Do not engage. She will try to draw you into an argument to take the focus off her drinking addiction." WOOOOOOW. Then I saw these same words in one of the Al-Anon books. It's the blue book - it's in the trunk of my car. I will post the passage later this morning/afternoon.

I explained the situation. He said, "Did you hear the first time where you got hooked?"I said, "Yes" with an of course attitude (it was arrogance raising it's head, because I really knew I had no clue although arrogance was telling me, 'Yes of course you know. You are omnipotent." I explained where I asked my wife to go to the finished basement rec area and told her going to the water was affecting my/our/her entire family."

I realized the first time I got hooked, was when my daughter told me that mommy was going to the water with her ex-college roommates.

YIKES. Open brain. Allow new data to flow.

The hook wasn't what I was saying. It was the hook like a fishing hook and line that pulled me into an engagement - but the hook got my emotions and drew me in. MAKE SENSE?

I went on and on. But you all have heard this in previous posts.

I know the next time I get hooked I have to call my sponsor. Stop everything and call my sponsor.

I am learning to call the sponsor sooner - but still after the engagement. I am calling 30 minutes after now (last one was Tuesday morning and you all saw my rants). It used to be a day later, then 2 hours later. So I am making progress. But even still - I know and he knows - I need to call BEFORE the hook is set and I draw myself in.

Simple solution. Complex problem.

The alcoholic wants to blame you. This is what I learned from dinner the other night with the men. There is self-loathing. This self-loathing is anger pointed internally and the projection is onto someone else. For example, ME. It may be on you. This is where you have to Detach. Detach with love if possible. Detach with despise. But detach. Remove yourself from the situation.

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO MAKE SOMEONE AN ALCOHOLIC
Reread the above. Anyone who believes this doesn't have a clue. It is an addiction. It is a disease. if you believe it to be a disease, then it would be like someone saying, "You gave me cancer."

If you don't believe it to be a disease, think of the weakness of the other person then. "Are you saying you are so weak, that you felt compelled to drink and become an alcoholic?" Does the fact that your parent drink and were alcoholics have anything to do with this (Or your uncle/aunt/grandfather etc)?

Of course, do not use the last paragraph as your argument. This is engaging. The alcoholic, and I had engaged this spouse of mine, will twist the words around, juuuuussst ever soooo slightly, and the next thing you know, the winning argument she cannot defend, is now turned to something she can win. It's unbelievable.

I have learned to stop her from twisting the words, by bringing the original words back around and calling her on it - calling it the dance of the alcoholic. When I say this she understands she cannot get away with the twisting.

I also learned - that the trigger for me is the same words I use - The "Dance with the Alcoholic" (it is really the "dance with alcohol" by the way - and is commonly recognized in AA and recovery. I think there is an Al-Anon pamphlet on it - Syd or some others - isn't this right?)

Those words - are my trigger to disengage. That I cannot "win" (make my point and get her to see my side - which maybe a form of control too, for me). But it is my trigger to break off. Maybe the only satisfaction I get in a sick way, is I get the last word in. So, I disengage. I detach. I leave the room.

HOWEVER
I am wrong for even engaging. Because my blood pressure goes up. I sense the flight or fight syndrome occurring in my reticular cortex is activated (is that the part of the brain? - there is a part of the brain still with us from prehistoric times -I've read about it a hundred times). And you (me) start to lose "emotional control" because our body is on full alert for war (or some animal ready to kill us). It serves no useful purpose in 2008. It was great in 1200 BC, which I will write about in another post sometime (that wasn't funny, but I tried).

So recognize "the hook." Where does it occur? What trigger words? What tone. With who?

I learned that apportioning guilt and blame is arrogance. Recognize the hook. Practice in your mind the "next time I will do this." Rehearse it like an Olympic Gymnast practices her routines in her mind. Same concept.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reminder - we have an Al-Anon Weekend Online Meeting on money/finances. And how this affects us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~