A Great Quote - That Says It All

Can't remember where I read it - but here it is. A great quote, that says it all:

"Don't make the common mistake of believing what you think."

One of my problems right now.

In fact, my only real problem.

Here is a poem I read and think about. I heard it from a Canadian - now a US citizen - named Brian Tracy.

The third - is it "stanza?" - or "verse?" - is less known.

I have this somewhat memorized - especially the second verse, beginning with - "Life is queer with it's twists and turns . . ." This rings true for me. It reminds me that things that seem bad now - are not really bad in the long run. In fact, they turn out to be good.

The poem has gotten me through some tough parts of life. I opened up on of my repeatable journals - books where I copy text and make notes of certain books I like and reread them - and saw this poem this morning.

It made me feel good. Read this, print it out and post it on your refrigerator or in your journal. I think you may be able to use this.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As everyone of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up, though the pace seems slow -

You might succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man,

Often the struggler has given up

When he might have captured the victor's cup.

And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out

- The silver tint of the clouds of doubt -

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -

It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

- Author Unknown -

New Year - A Chance To Begin Again (A Do Over)

It's a New Year. A chance to begin again. A "do-over" in life. I used to think I would have to wait until the New Year to begin something for real - like a diet - because the New Year made it feel more "official."

Actually, every moment is a chance to begin. A chance to change course. A chance to - start all over again - without the guilt and burdens of the imperfect things you have done or may have said.

Removing the Burdens of the Past
You are in my way of thinking - perfect. There should be (I know "should be") no burdens of the past. With no burdens of the past - aren't we perfect?

There is a lot of talk in Al-Anon that we are not perfect. Here is where I disagree.

I believe we are perfect. What we do or what we say is not perfect. I am connected to my Higher Power and created so that goodness flows through me. I am a human being, living in a world of other human beings and my reactions to them and to the circumstances of "life" are not always in harmony or balance.

The teachings of Al-Anon help me center and react to the stresses of life more perfectly. The works of Al-Anon help teach me what is right or more right than how I used to respond.

If I can shed my disease of thinking too much - I can be a much better person - not to others and for the "sake of humanity," but - for me. This in and of itself is a break through. The words, "for me" are strangers to my lips and my mind. I have always reacted for others. I have been a caretaker, caregiver, advice giver, counsellor, fixer.

Changing and A Do-Over
I am changing. I now know I can claim a do-over. Now. Officially. For this is a New Year.

Yes - I am changing my thought patterns - with new thought patterns. One of the areas I am changing is I have become more open. Or so I believe. Let me give you what I think is a big example of my changing;

I have a friend who believes in Numerology. I would have thought this person was nuts. But I listened, read this person book on it and it was - well - interesting. I was a "number 1." Not surprisingly. But my "number 1" put me at odds with others - especially other "number 1's." I won't go into the details - because this is not the point of whether this is believable or not - but what is, is the fact that I would have thought this was crazy.

So, back to a do-over. As a kid, I grew up in the northeast. We would play baseball, football, kickball, and board games and whatever - all day. A do-over is when you swung and missed and claimed a "do-over" for some unexplained reason. Or you moved a piece on the board and it was a huge error and for some reason - like you had not been paying attention - claimed this "Do-over thing."

So, today - I am claiming a "Do Over" - officially. This do over thing gives me permission to change, steer the ship on a smoother course. The Time Machine (above picture) is of course not real and we cannot go back in time to undo stuff that we feel we may have done that has harmed us or others. But the Time Machine is symbolic in that we can "do over" now whatever we want by beginning to Let Go (there's that slogan again - See yesterday's post below) of the past. If I can let go of the past, the past cannot rock my ship like waves banging against the hull. The path I take or course, if I can follow this damn metaphor properly, is smoother without the past banging against the side of my ship, (my brain), trying sink me.

The past is a burden we carry around that keeps us from enjoying this second, this moment. It causes us (me!!!) to think we are (I am) not perfect and therefore should be punished (my guilt) or not forgiven because we are unworthy of being forgiven.

What "Perfect" Does For Me
I have come to believe we all are perfect. And the moment we live in - I live in - is perfect - because this is where I am supposed to be and I cannot undo God's Will. That everything I have done or what has happened is and was out of my control more often than not and to hold that thought helps me ease off on the brakes of my life and helps me accept myself and others. It releases.

The gift of the program about not being perfect - and this what I believe Al-Anon is really trying to teach me is that it is helping me understand that we are all imperfect and if so, we are all okay - especially me! And this MEANS YOU!!! And you know who you are as you read this! You are okay and will be okay.

It is a hard concept to understand and my brain, ego, previous programming, does not want me to look at myself in this way. My disease wants to call attention to the stupid stuff I did or hurtful things I have said or what I believe other have done to me. That is my burden. That is what I am shedding and calling a do-over on.

Last - this thought entered my mind - if I can just shut up most of the time - I can be of no harm to myself. What do I mean? I have this tendency to verbalize my thoughts. I "think out loud." When I hear myself think - I go - okay, I get it. Later, however, I sound stupid or say something stupid and I am perceived as a little weird. I am learning - even at my age - this is not a great thing to do at work. Especially with all the left brainers I work with.

Shut Up and HALT (so I don't call a do-over)
But more importantly - to shut up when I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired. The tired thing trips me up a lot lately. It used to be angry, but I understand my anger now. Now I am just not sleeping fully or resting fully. So when that happens, my propensity to "think out loud" occurs more often and my guard is down, and then I say something that is not the most intelligent. And, when I am tired, I am quick to anger. My anger spews forth in words I am soon to regret and in reality have no real baring on what or how I feel toward another person. This is another place where I wish I could do immediate "do overs."

Thank God for Al-Anon. I am seeing the speed bumps on my path of life more clearly. And the speed bumps are usually what I have placed in the road - not someone else's.

Amazing.

So, officially, I am Letting Go and claiming a "do over."

Birds of a Feather

I picked up a favorite little series of books I took with me to this home this morning. It's James Allen's series starting with "As A Man Thinkth."

His second book in the series is "The Path to Prosperity."

In the section "Making Judgment of Others" his writes;

"And as we clothe both events and objects with our own thoughts, so likewise do we clothe the souls of others in the garments of our thoughts.

The suspicious believe everybody to be suspicious; the liar feels secure in thought that he is not so foolish as to believe that there is such a phenomenon as a strictly truthful person; . . .

. . . On the other hand, those who dwell in loving thoughts, see that in all calls forth their love and sympathy; the trusting and honest are not troubled by suspicions; the good-natured and charitable who rejoice at the good fortune of others, scarcely know what envy means; and he who has realized the Devine within himself recognizes it in all beings, even in the beasts.

And men and women are confirmed in their mental outlook because of the fact that, by law of cause and effect, they attract to themselves that which they set forth, so come in contact with people similar to themselves. The old adage, "Birds of a feather flock together," has deeper significance than is generally attached to it, for in the thought-world as in the world of matter, each clings to its kind.

Do you wish for kindness? Be kind.
Do you wish for truth? Be true.
What you give of yourself you will find;
The world is a reflex of you.

The greatest discovery to me is "We become what we think about." A variation of this is, that is also powerful is, "What we think about, we attract."

This little books was written a 100 years ago, way before the book and video "The Law of Attraction."

I hope you find peace today and tomorrow. Live in today and think and be what you want to be.

Have a great weekend.

Here is a link to James Allen's works: http://www.jamesallenlibrary.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=frontpage&Itemid=1

Training My Mind

Al Anon, Self Help, Mind Training

I have always been a firm believer that I can just about anything if I train my mind. Yes - train.

Think about that for a minute. Usually when I read words like this - I say, "Yes, of course. I can train my mind." Maybe you do to. Think about this a little differently today. And I hope by using this analogy, I will help you.

Think of a puppy. Yep. A dog. Think about this puppy yipping, running a little wild, and - I'm sorry - but here it comes - peeing all around your house. Yep. Peeing. Going to the bathroom. All over.

Well - that is your mind. Running around, yipping and peeing (or worse - but let's not get vulgar) all around your house - er, your mind. Now sometimes this little mind of yours (ours/mine) is very playful and I believe that's okay, but it would be better if you could control your mind to be playful WHEN you wish it to play - not at random.

I read - somewhere - that "The mind is a great servant, but horrible master." Think and reflect on this statement.

A great servant. You mean, it is my servant? It does not order me around? Yep. That's right. But we've never been taught that it is our servant. We've been taught - maybe not directly - that the mind is in control. Well, that maybe partially true. But there is a big part of our mind that runs rampant, out of control. But there is another part, that wants to control that part of our mind - or should I say - CAN control. We just have to make it a habit - to control and eliminate this crazy thinking, random thought process.

This crazy part of our minds, worries, conjures up fears, and worse, plays these out in our minds. I am sitting in a hotel now, but there is some quote from I think it was Mark Twain, that talks about 90 percent of my fears never occurred.

I found this one from Mr. Twain;
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. ~Mark Twain

Anyway - how do you stop fear and worry?

Answer? Easy - look for the initial signs as the thought enters your mind. And then - recognize it (Awareness) - and - eliminate it through self-talk. Say "Stop. You are not going to enter my mind." And then laugh at it. And say, "There you are!" Making it a joke or laughing, and doing this one little thing - as a habit - can help you recognize this coming in. Seeing - visualizing - this part of your mind - the voice coming in from someone you don't care for - and visualizing their face and then taking a Sharpie Marker (you know - the one that never erases off furniture or the white board) and drawing a clown's face on the person as the person is talking fear and worry in your mind - (draw a big clown's nose, Bozo red hair, and BIG ears etc.) will help you. TRUST ME on this.

And laugh as it tries to enter.

Then turn away to something else more positive or a list of actions you have to get done in the next hour.

Getting busy - one of the key terms in Al-Anon - is what leads us to happiness, for happiness is a by-product of doing something else. If you aim for happiness - in my little opinion and what I have read and researched - you will have difficulty in finding it. If you focus on the efforts of the things you have to do - aiming toward what you desire - but again - focusing on the efforts and finding joy in the efforts - this can lead to happiness.

Eliminating negativity starts with training your mind. Yep. Training. Back to the puppy analogy. Maybe not my best analogy. Maybe it is. But you hopefully now understand, you are the MASTER and no longer have to be servant to it getting fed bad food (thoughts).

Accept the Day

Accept the Day. Al-Anon teaches us to "accept" things - people, events, situations, etc. Accept to me means - don't resist and fight with what is. While I am tired of hearing the saying, "It is what it is." there is a lot of truth in it.

Accept the moment if it is bad. Don't react. Observe. Observe the issue - the situation, as if you are an unaffected bystander. Cultivate the attitude of; "Isn't this interesting?" Or, "I wonder what this is meant to teach me." Observe and stand back. You may see the meaning of detachment here. You are not the situation. You are not less than if you sense you are being verbally attacked. You are who you are and you are WHOLE, COMPLETE and PERFECT.

Many people want to say they are not perfect. But I say you are. Listen to your inner voice when you say "I am perfect." The voice may laugh or it may say, "No you're not." But you are!

Remember this - there is a creator of infinite intelligence - a Higher Power - or God - if you prefer - AND he/she made you as perfect. What he/she gave you, was supreme rein over your actions.

Based upon this truth - you are perfect - what you may do is NOT always perfect. Give up the fact that you have to do everything perfectly. Perfectly doing is an evaluation or judgment of the action or activity.

Just release and accept.

Maturity in this program or in life is not about doing something perfectly. It lies in accepting reality. Not wishing or hoping. Just accept where you are. And realize you can move from where you are to another spot - another new reality over time. And you have the will to decide what spot you want to move to. Where you decide - and that is key - you decide - may not be perfect based upon others' opinion of reality or their beliefs. But it is up to YOU! You decide!

What you may do is not perfect - whatever perfect is. Accept this when something goes less than what we expected or desired. Laugh at this when you do something you may be embarrassed about. Realize this too, what everyone else does is not perfect either. Behind the closed doors of a bank President may shock you. Behind the mask your boss wears to work may reveal his foibles or lack of confidence. It doesn't matter what their weaknesses are - except that realize we are all struggling and have our doubts and fears and that this is just part of life. Accept this. Accept the day and just say "I am going to do my best." That's it. Not "It's going to be perfect." For what is "perfect?"

Listen to your heart, feel your emotions, understand your reactions to events, and realize - that this just is. Listening to your feelings and reactions can reveal more about yourself and what perhaps you are not accepting, which may allow you to release whatever imperfection you have or belief you feel you need to live up to.

This "accepting" may help you understand what false beliefs you have accepted as true about you and the world, that are in truth, making you feel guilty, feel ignorant, or holding you back.

Accept - listen - and allow the truth to revealed to you about certain situations and just observe today.

Emotion - What It Is and How This Can Help You

I have read this before. But today, the definition of emotion means a lot to me, especially in the area of detachment. See if this has some meaning for you today.

Emotion is a reaction between the the body and your mind. You emotionalize things that you are thinking about - not what is actually happening. So, when we feel anxiety or fear, it is the actual thinking or thoughts that trigger the emotion. If we can eliminate the negative thinking - or the thinking that triggers our emotions, then, maybe, we can be detached from the event, situation, person or thing that we thought about.

Does this make sense?

It is not the event or person or thing - but it is our thinking about this that makes us feel a certain way.

By the way, this is true for positive situations, people or things too.

We have to gain control over our evaluation of the triggering event. Our judgment or evaluation as good or bad hooks us.

If we can eliminate this hook - this trigger - the actual evaluation - we can BE - be who we are and live a better life.

One way to look at this, is to look at problems. If we can realize we are NOT the problem and the problem is NOT a reflection on us as a Being, we can realize that circumstances are just that - circumstances.

I think it was James Allen in his works, "As A Man Thinkth," who said "Circumstances do not make the man [or woman], they reveal him to himself." This means to me, that if we can see where we are getting the anxiety from, we have a better understanding of ourselves.

Another word about problems. Life is a succession of problems. As soon as one is solved, another is on its way. This is not negative thinking per se, but life. And if we realize problems are transient - and realize we are not - we can become bigger than our problem we are facing.

Hope this helps you this today

Being Right

I have learned that being right is, well, not always right. Being "right" locks you into a belief, a belief you may have picked up a long time ago. And as you know, if you have read this blog, that our beliefs are not necessarily true. A belief is something we believe to be true. But it is not a fact.

Being right defends our beliefs. We attempt to look at why the other person is wrong, instead of what "just is." Because someone has a different belief than us, we tend to think this person is wrong, and I am right. Or we think this person is not as smart as we are . . . or "less than us." And soon, our views of this person (or groups of people) are "tainted." What I mean by tainted is that anything they say is evaluated and judged a little harder.

Being right should not be for you. Being accurate is what we should aim for. Sometimes there are shades of grey - and not black and white, right or wrong, and this or that.

Someone once said, "Genius is the ability to hold two opposing views in the mind at the same time." I might add - without going crazy or without getting stuck.

If we can stop trying to be right, we allow new information to come into our minds. If we can stop trying to be right and defending our current beliefs, maybe we will be able to let go of certain mistaken or faulty beliefs that are holding us back. Our beliefs can act as a set of brakes on ability to grow - much like a car has brakes. And if you are driving through life with your brakes on, you may never reach your destination - or if you do, your engine may be worn out.

Our beliefs can be modified to help accelerate our growth.

Now what does this have to do with a recovery blog? Everything. We get locked into a set of beliefs that may have come from one of our qualifiers. The belief from our qualifier can be powerful or have a powerful impact on how we think about ourselves and the world in which we live. And our qualifiers may be the last people we should listen to. But for some damn reason we tend to put stock in what they say. Maybe not at first. But over time, like the drip, drip, drip of water, it wear us down and we become - well - sick.

Stop and evaluate your thinking and your thoughts. Ask yourself, "Where did I come up with this thought?" And then ask. "Is it something that is true for me? Today?"

Your thoughts and beliefs act like the brakes on your car. Or they can be like the gas peddle on your car. Of course it depends where you are going. If you are going off a cliff you want to apply the brakes, so don't get me wrong, some beliefs that stop us from doing stupid things are good!

Just evaluate your beliefs. Our beliefs may not necessarily be "right." That is, they may be inaccurate.

One last thing about this belief thing and being right. Look at what you are defending. If you get defensive or defend an opinion, take a look at this. It may reveal a fear or a hurt that you have deep down inside. Ask yourself, "Where did I get that from?" It may take some effort to get past the scar tissue.

Have a great day.

Communication with Ourselves and Others

Do we attract people into our lives by how we communicate to ourselves and to others?

I think the answer is a resounding "Yes." I believe we send "signals" to others unintentionally that tell people how we treat us. I believe our self-worth - or how much value we place in ourselves - is a direct measure of how much we esteem ourselves.

I modified the original post in blue below.

Some of the ways we communicate to others is based upon how we feel about ourselves. And this feeling emanates from how we think - or said differently, how we talk to ourselves. This thinking directs our feelings which directs our actions. Our actions are visible, --> which are congruent with our feelings --> which are congruent with our thoughts.

This "chain reaction" is perhaps the most powerful thing we can learn about how we "invite" others to treat us. And it starts with how we are treating ourselves (talking to ourselves and valuing ourselves).

For example, I have a concern about something that might happen or might not. I start to think about this concern. Thinking about this concern turns to worry. The worry creates fear, which might immobilize from taking action that will prevent it from occurring, and sure enough, it occurs. This is true for me today. I have been putting off something that I know needs to be done. But I cannot tell if it is fear that is holding me back, or if it is a signal not to do it, and that everything will work out if I leave it alone. This is hard for me today - for I want peace. And the thing I have to do, is not a peaceful thing.

We are sending out signals to the universe and people pick up on these signals.

I read that we can eliminate or reduce these affects by going to the source - the thinking and reprogram what we tend to think about "most of the time." Another way is to stop negative and destructive thinking when it occurs by thinking about something else.

And another way is to start doing - (the action part of this) - the things we should or could be doing and reverse the chain reaction. This falls into the category of "fake it 'til you make it."

Last, it helps to have a sponsor and friends in Al-Anon to call when your thinking starts getting out of control.

I hope this message helps this Monday.

PS - I did not call my sponsor. I did calla couple of friends - none of which were there. I went to an Al-Anon meeting at noon, and voila, there was my sponsor. It was good to hear folks share today. It was needed.

Our Emotional Responses

I am trying more than ever, to recognize how my thinking triggers my emotions and therefore, my responses.

I have known this for a long time, that; event triggers thinking, past thinking or conditioning interprets the event, and the thinking triggers the body or emotion, which triggers the reaction, which triggers more thinking. A loop if you will.

Since my qualifier has become worse in her addiction, I recognize how I react and reacted to issues and situations through my emotions. AND importantly, how the reactions and emotions can now be changed by going to the source.

And the source is NOT my qualifier (Okay, in truth, the source is my qualifier). But I cannot control my qualifier, but I can control my thinking and my interpretation of the event or statement or circumstance.

These are "triggers." If I can interpret the "triggers" differently - that is, not to identify the trigger with me or who I am, I then can choose how I allow my body to react (aka emotion).

Our mind - or our voices in our mind - can be allowed to run rampantly, like untamed, wild horses, - if we allow our mind to do so. These voices usually drift into a dysfunctional rant. And the voice, if allowed, becomes more trained in its dysfunctional rant, because it knows what buttons to push inside of your head. And, then, when you qualifier "tests" you, he/she finds these same buttons. And you have the internal voice not supporting you and the trigger from the qualifier hitting these buttons of doubt and anger and fear - you react emotionally. The reaction starts with your thinking which jumps to the body - a flight or fight type response. The body responds with chemicals and triggers emotions - or emotional responses.

Soon, if we continue to allow this to happen, the neural pathway becomes a neural superhighway, because the path widens and deepens with events and - and this is important - replaying the negative events over and over in our minds. You see, the mind and body cannot tell the difference between a real experience or an experience played out in our minds.

So one negative event that actually occurs, becomes a negative event the occurs ten more times because we replay it in our minds. And this is not good!

Solution
We need to think about this. When we have an event, we need to reframe it. And we need to disassociate from it. We need to put space between the event and the reaction.

Space can be time. Don't respond or react. Go out of the room. Go for a run. Go for a walk. Put time space between the event and your response.

Space can be dissassociation from the event. We can not allow ourselves to associate with it or allow it to become part of our identity. That is, not allow it to "be us." We are not the event. We are not our labels. We are certainly not what others label us. Just be. We just are.

Space is also, staying present. Staying in the now. Now means not allowing us to think about the past or the future. Stay present. Think about right now. NOW.

Another Little Solution
Observe the voices in your head. I read somewhere, that if you place a rubber band on your wrist, and pulled it back and snapped it against your wrist every time you had a negative thought you can really see and observe how many negative thoughts you have in a day.

Now I never tried this, but as soon as I find a rubber band, I am going to do this!!! You will be able to identify me in the airport this afternoon - I will be the guy with the welts on his wrist.

Do I Think? Or Is It Just Happening To Me?

Do I think? Or does thinking just happen?

We all have a little voice going on in our head. Sometimes the little voice runs rampant, depending on the circumstances. Many of us allow the little voice to run around shouting words of fear, anger, worry, pain, and the like. It runs around as naturally as blood circulates in our veins. "It just happens."

Control
In Al-Anon, I have learned that much of the program is "quieting" that little voice or controlling the voice and thought patterns. I hate the word control word now, but I really think the word is a great word in reality, but we can "CONTROL" the voice in our heads.

Obviously, "control" has negative connotations - because we are called "control freaks" and "controlling." I want to say this, about that . . .

Control is a natural outgrowth and coping tool in the chaotic environment we live in, with active alcoholism or inactive. So, first don't allow yourself to feel guilty about this. It is okay to have been controlling. Unfortunately, it slipped into other areas of our lives, and it slipped into areas where we really have no control over. In Al-Anon we learn to recognize this and we learn that it frustrates our relationships, dampens growth in others, and we learn it actually hurts us. It gives us a false sense of self. But . . .

We can control the voice in our head. And we should try!!

Our mind is conditioned by the past. our past is how we were brought up; religion, political party, our thoughts and beliefs about money, sex, people, race, where to live, how to live, cars to buy, clothes to where, hair cut to get, food to eat, food to cook, places to eat, and so on. Can you see and think back to where we got the silliest of ideas and notions?

The Toilet Paper Example (I have your attention don't I?)
These thoughts and previous programming comes even right down to which side of to the toilet paper we hang on the bathroom wall? You know, with the end or beginning of the roll facing toward the wall or away from the wall. Would you believe that I an away from the wall hanger of toilet paper, whereas my qualifier is an in/toward the wall hanger and we EVEN had a discussion that I should hang it her way! AND to tell you the truth I DID! Because it was SO important to her! I laugh now. But, think about our crazy habits and conditioning. We all have them!

So, because our mind is conditioned and conditioned means "habit" to a large degree, we tend to reenact the past again and again. EVEN when we know the desired effects are not possible and the typical effects of the past behavior and thoughts are or can be disastrous! So why not learn to control your mind (or your thoughts)? The term of reenacting the past is called "karma." You know it from Eastern religion/ or philosophy.

Identification With The Voice
We are identifying with the "voice." And often the "voice" is someone we have learned or know to dislike! For example: the voice may be one of our parents. What they said to us when we were small. We now know it is wrong. But we have replayed their "voice" and their "words" in our head for so long that the words are automatic and!!!! - devastating. It can be a voice from a past boss we didn't like. Or a past "friend" who "evaluated" us, and although we knew it (whatever they said, to be untrue, we learned to replay the words over and over again, until we started acting it out. Here are some ideas that might be floating around in your head:

1. You never finish anything you do.
2. You can't cook.
3. Look what you've made me do!
4. How come you can't do anything right?
5. Why are you always late?
6. You're not the brightest bulb in the drawer.
7. How come John can do this and you can't?
8. You're just not good at math.
9. You can't sing (play sports, play an instrument, etc)
10. You're too old (too young, too . . .)

Get it?

But this voice, and these words, are NOT you! You have allowed them to BECOME you! You have allowed the voice to program you thoughts and control your thoughts and control your interactions with others! These are crazy voices - words that are UNTRUE. But because you BELIEVED them to be true, the words fit the patterns and you behaved in a manner fitting these words, and actions and interactions reinforced these words and made them believable, or more believable.

Does this make sense? Does this describe anyone you know?

Positive Affirmations
Would you like to change these patterns? Once you know this - "the past = the future" - you can change by interrupting the mind, and the words, and replace the old words with new words. You can do this by rearranging the words above - and AFFIRM the new positive behavior or thought;

1. I complete the projects and the things that are important to ME.
2. I can cook. I cook great meals.
3. I don't make anyone do anything. People do things on their on accord.
.
.
.

You get the idea? Positive affirmations are excellent.

Going to Al-Anon meetings and discussing the voices and words in our head enlightens us and reminds us that we are not the past. We are not the voice we hear. We can become, positive, more fully functioning human beings.

I hope you see and sense that we have extraordinary possibilities.

I am going to leave this post up a few days, as I think this is key to our recovery.

Worry - Part 4 (Self-Fulfilling Prophecy)

Today - you get double WHAMMY. Two posts for the price of one!

Okay, as you all know, my favorite term in the world is, "self-fulfilling prophecy." Every time I see this term I realize how significant a role this plays in my life up to now and every single day.

Your subconscious believes the information you pick up (from sight, smell, sound, etc) and stores is true, whether it is true or not. And each time you replay this event or thought in your head, it gets recorded as reality all over again. This rerecording each time you play it in your head, creates and reinforces a dominant belief. You see, you see things not as they are, but as you perceive them to be. That is, because of past conditioning (what you learned to be true from parents, church, school, politics, etc.), you see things through a lens or filter. You interpret the information based upon your beliefs and this reinforces and supports what you already believe in. Does this make sense? THIS IS SO TERRIBLY IMPORTANT.

In other words, if there is conflicting information that goes against what you already "know" as true, you discard it. You discard it out of hand. In 90% of the time, you discard it so quickly, you don't even know that you've tossed it aside, no matter how much you believe you are "open to new ideas."

And so with worry, we tend to look for the worry situation, and act out, and look for the "events" or "patterns" that would reinforce the thing we are worried about.

Here is an example; Let's say your believe your boss does not like you. So, you watch her eyes. She doesn't look at you. Now you know she doesn't like you. Now you ask her how her day is. She says, "It's fine." as she scoots past you in the hallway. She really doesn't have time for you - you say to yourself. This reinforces your nervousness. You now begin to worry about it. You replay the event over and over. You tell your friend of this matter. And of course, not being a trained therapist, they say something like, "Maybe you should look for another job" or "Maybe you should have said, "Hello" this way or that way. This doesn't help because now you are really screwed up. You practice saying "Hellow" now. You sound like a moron. You say "Hellow" now to her and she looks at you wondering if you swallowed a cat, because this doesn't sound like you any more. You see her face and you interpret it as "Jeez I sound like a moron." Now you replay this event in your head.

You don't ask her how she is the next time, because "she doesn't have time for you" or "you don't want to sound like a moron" - so your thinking goes. She (the boss) now wonders, "What the heck is up with her?" You now see that face and interpret it negatively of course.

Now you are insane with fret. So of course you do the next logical thing, you don't look at her at the next meeting. She (the boss) wonders, "Why is she so obstinate?" Now it comes time for you to present to her. You know she doesn't like you. She now thinks you don't like her.

In another meeting it's your turn to present your stuff. She doesn't like what you are presenting, or she says something that you interpret as not liking the entire presentation and in reality, it's just the one message, and . . .

"Voila!" You are now in trouble, because you redo the entire prez. And she now doesn't like any of it. And, again, "Tres voila!" You be in trouble girl-friend.

Do you see this in your life - any where? I do!

How We See Ourselves

I believe that the "discovery" of self-esteem and its powerful role on how it affects everything we do is one of the most important "discoveries" in the past several centuries.

In America, we celebrate Columbus Day, the day when Columbus "discovered" America. While this is an important day for Americans, the discovery of self-esteem is important for the human race. I read in Wikipedia that the term, "self-esteem," can be traced back to 1657.

I am not going to "pretend" I am an expert in this matter. I am a novice, trying to understand the human condition and the mind and its how it regulates our ability to become everything we can become and be the best we can - in all parts of our lives.

I have decided, I get only a short period of time on this hair-ball planet, and that I am going to attempt to run my life by being the best I can be. The best I can be. Not by what others think is best for me. I believe working on me and my self-esteem allows me to break free from the trap of others' expectations of me, what I should be, what I should do, how I should behave.

When I first read about self-esteem, I began to understand a powerful concept, that I could change and improve, that was within my control and how it could improve how I saw the world and my ability to operate in it. Below are a few powerful sentences that say so much, in so few words.

This is a passage from Dr. Robert Anthony:
How you see yourself creates your behavior, and this behavior creates your environment or your results.

Wow. Think about this for just a minute or two this today. You mean, how I see myself creates my outside world? Hmmm. Am I thinking trash and negativity? Remember my earlier posts about the "Law of Attraction" and how the brain filters in through sight, smell, touch, sound -what we are thinking about.

In the next sentence, he says;
When you attach your self-worth to your accomplishments or to your behavior, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. No matter how hard you try, someone is going to think you're not okay.

Then he goes on to say,
. . . Take a look at how much of your life is about winning approval and realize this important truth: You'll never get it. You simply can't please everyone, so learn to please yourself and find relish in the person you are.

Reread these passages today and come back tomorrow to reread them. These are important "truths" that can lead to serenity and tranquility. Peace of mind, is the highest form of achievement in my view. If I can get that, I have achieved what money, recognition from others, and material possessions cannot provide me in the long run.

Living in the "Now"

This about living in the "NOW." As Al-Anon and other great recovery programs teach us throughout the 12 Steps is that we must live in the present - or the "Now."

This is post is directly related to several past blog posts that I believe are the foundation for understanding how to change our lives. And it is based upon something we absolutely have control over. It is about how we think.

However, and this is a big one, the however is, if you are dealing with active alcoholism and chaos, you and I may not be able to get our thinking wrapped completely around the positive and present (today, this second). Alcoholism is tough stuff and impacts us in ways only those who are in the midst of it can completely understand. It is "controlling" to a great degree our thoughts and reactions. It is a problem of 10X with children, because our children are so affected by it as well. And because they are affected, so are we.

How do I know?

Because last night at 8:20PM, I received a phone call from my daughter. I had to leave a senior management meeting of Vice Presidents and Presidents for 45 minutes to straighten out as best as I could a problem with my child and her fear of her mother's drinking. I was, noticeably absent last night. When I returned several people gave me the "look" - the look of "what is happening in your life?" that caused you to miss 45 minutes of a meeting you suggested having tonight?

Tough stuff. But a choice I had to make. Leave the room, where all the senior company team members, 15 people, are meeting to resolve a company crisis. My choice, my daughter. She is 10. She is now becoming a victim of this cunning disease.

I need to put this in the blog, so you know that I know, that this problem of alcohol is the "Black Cloud of Chaos" that hovers over every alcoholic family's home, especially when the alcohol is active and raging.

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If you missed the previous posts click the one's below for what I believe is the necessary foundation to understand today's post better.

The Law of Attraction Part 1 (click here)
The Law of Attraction Part 2 (click here)
Focus on Solutions (click here)

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Negative Emotions - Understanding Them
One of the most caring and loving things we need to do for ourselves is to understand the emotions of; worry, fear, doubt, anger and depression. These are sister emotions, living together in a family - the family of negative emotions. There are other related negative emotions, but these are the most powerful.

When we go into a negative state, this is caused by thinking and dwelling about - the past. And then we apply these events and emotions on the future. This causes us to worry. The past and the future, looking backward and looking forward - with a negative emotion filter over our eyes, brings a feeling of hopelessness and despair. And it can lead to mild or deep depression.

Reliving The Past and Playing the Future in Our Mind's Eye
When we are looking backward, we relive the past experiences in our mind. And each time we replay these experiences, our mind or subconscious records them in our brain as actual events actually occurring.

Now that may be too many "actual" words. But I use "actual" to drive home a point.

The point is this: The mind cannot distinguish between reality and what you are thinking about in terms of imprinting the event in the brain. This thinking about what happened is almost the same as the event occuring again in real life. And this reliving the event builds stronger wiring of the event in our brain's circuitry.

So, each time we think about the past, the thinking builds stronger wiring and it becomes a more "prevalent" thought.

And, we respond and react, and live based upon this thinking. Often, a lot of our reactions are automatic - because of these past events are strongly wired in our brains.

Live in the Present
Now, if we can just try to live in the present, the NOW, we can gain more control over our lives. Note, I said "our lives." We can create a new "cause and effect" system based upon "present thinking" or "thinking in the NOW." This is hard. You bet it is. We are a summation of our past experiences.

An Exercise for Improved Living: Detach From The Past and The Future
One way to break away from worry and fear and anger, is to regard the past and the future, in a detached manner. There is no magic to letting go or the past or worrying about what might happen. Except simply thinking about the past and the future in an unemotional manner. Detach with the past and the future. Become unemotional about them.

Meditation will help you do this. Also, try this: Physically, look down at your feet. Go ahead look. Look again. What do you see? You are here. Your feet are right here, planted on the floor. In the present.

Use this moment to gain clear understanding of this fact. Once you have this in you mind, look around the room. Notice other things, the desk, the cup you are drinking from, the lamp, the phone. All here. All here in the now. If can gain that kind of control over your mind, you are exercising great discipline over the most powerful tool in the universe. Harness the power, by focusing your mind.

Do not get caught up in what might happen. Nor get caught up in what did happen and who did this to me. Focus. Focus where you are, right now. Go back to looking at your feet. Firmly planted on the ground.

This is a simple trick, that can help you gain concentration.

PS - I learned part of this "trick" of stopping your thinking, by looking down at your feet, at an Al-Anon meeting several weeks ago. I just embellished it and added to my "set of tools."

PPS - Hard? Yes. Impossible? No

Today - Focus Only On Solutions

As people who are living with alcoholism, Al-Anon is a great tool to help us. Without the help we think about Problems more than Solutions. Worry and Fear becomes pervasive. Anger and Frustration become more friends than Laughter and Smiling.

For us in recovery, one of the things we could and should do is change old behaviors and habit patterns, that aren't working.

Change begins with recognizing a behavior pattern you have made a habit. In fact, with us in recovery, it is a deep seated behavior. Recognition of a destructive habit or habit supporting us in a direction we want to not go in, is the first step to change. The desire and the will to change is the second, critical step.

We are Programmed to Think About Problems
We are "problem dwelling creatures." We go to bed watching TV. What does TV have on it? Problems. We go to bed thinking about our work problems, personal problems, the weather, gas, etc. This makes us worry at night. And when we wake up in the morning, the first thing we do is think about our problems again.

Here are five things you can do to build your solution mindset:

1. Make the Committment to Change. Today and tomorrow, and for the rest of the week, I will no longer go to bed thinking about my problems. Today, tomorrow and for the rest of the week, I will wake up thinking about solutions. I will focus on what I can do.
2. Get (buy) a spiral bound notebook. When we think problems, write the problem down. Get it out of your head and on to paper.
3. Ask yourself; Is it a big problem? Is it an important problem? Is it one problem? Or is it a series of problems? Should I solve this problem? Right now? And it so, what should I do? What are my options to bring about solutions? Write all these down.
4. Then do one of the things on the list toward solving your problem. Work on it to completion. Then do another item on the list. If there is something on the list you cannot do, give it to God or your HP. I cannot believe I just wrote that. But I have found it does work. Give it to your HP to worry about. He's up all night anyway. He might as well have something to work on. So let him worry it to death. Pass it to him. He's OK with delegation.
5. Keep that notebook wherever you go. Anything pops up. Write it down. When you start "completing your problems" by getting to a solution, you can look back at your notebook and go, "Wow. I thought I would never get past that one." This is a great motivator and mind booster, which reminds you whatever is a challenge today, then, "this too shall pass."

So, focus only on solutions from now on. I know this is hard. Just look at my rollercoaster posts. I am "up" in three of them, and "down" two (sometimes four - but who's counting?).

Whatever our problems, we shall prevail!

Finis.

PS - More to come. But let's work on this one this week.

The Law of Attraction - Al-Anon & AA: Part 2

The Law of Attraction - How We Can Use it in AA or Al-Anon or in Recovery
The Law of Attraction is a powerful concept. It is not a new one, as it has been spoken and written about for hundreds of years. Now, with the advent of modern psychology, the Law of Attraction is not about "magic" - but it is about how your brain functions, and how you draw into your life, things, people and events similar to your dominate beliefs.

I believe the following can be of huge benefit to people in recovery. Whether the people are in Al-Anon people or AA people or people in a different recovery program. It is an important topic, one in which I feel strongly.

I have noticed in my confusion of being in the swirl of an alcoholic environment, that I have forgotten this important concept of how the world works and have not been applying it. Or if I have, I was applying it to give me the opposite of what I desired. This is a follow-on to Friday's post (click here to link to view it).

The Primary Function of the Subconscious
The subconscious mind contains all of our past experiences and beliefs. It functions are a computer program would, except faster and trillions more calculations. Because of past programming, the subconscious acts a system of "checks and balances." It forms a "filter" or a "lens" through which we see the world.

An example might be how two different people from opposite ends of the world see things from a totally different point of view. It is why a lawyer will see an event differently than a salesperson. Both could be looking at the same "thing" and come from different perspectives to provide different viewpoints.

Our Subconscious
The subconscious helps form our self-image. Our self-image determines how I think and act. I act how I believe is appropriate for me. The self-image is made up of our beliefs. Our beliefs make up this filter through which we see the world through the conscious mind. The conscious mind allows "in" information in certain chunks, typically chunks that is familiar to what we already believe. This filter acts like a governor on the car. It regulates the data coming in and keeps us from getting information overload. It keeps us from going insane, or becoming the Dustin Hoffman character in Rainman (i.e. being able to count holes in the tiled ceiling in one glance).

The conscious and subconscious help reinforce our current self-image.

Creating a New Self-Image (if we want to!)
Because our habits or past conditioning act as a filter, we must try to discern whether these habit and past conditioning (programming) actually are working for us or against us. Are the things we learned as children actually still useful in the situation we are in?

One of our primary responsibilities is to evaluate our conditioned responses to see if they are helping our hurting us. Often they are keeping us stuck in an old computer program loop. We do the same thing our parents did, and their parents did. This "program" in the form of behavior is handed down through the generations. It forms the basis from which we operate - specifically; how we respond and react.

It also determines what we feel worthy of. With this we are back to the self-image. For example, if you go to a restaurant, you may be inclined to have something far cheaper on the menu, because, the most expensive item is, well, the most expensive item, and we shoudn't have the most expensive item. Whereas someone else, will go straight for the most expensive item. And another person will order what they want.

Do you understand this? Does this make sense?

It's Not About Right or Wrong. It Is About Thinking About Thinking
An important point here, is any one of the three choices above is not necessarily right or wrong, or worse or better than the other two choices. But it is important to notice what we do and how we feel about the choices.

This same programming may keep you stuck in a relationship, because; "this is what I am worthy of." It may keep you stuck in a job at work, because; "this higher paying job is for 'other' people."

This is not necessarily positive thinking. It is just "thinking about thinking." It is the ability to analyze your own thoughts which govern how to feel and act. And help you determine which ones support you in where you want to go and which ones support you in keeping you in place.

What We Could Do
To have a better life, to become all we can and ought to become, we could begin evaluating our conditioned responses and thought patterns. We could become, "more conscious" of our unconscious thoughts.

We could begin to look at how we feel toward something. Does it make us anxious? Does an event or circumstance conjure up a feeling of insecurity? Of loss? Anger? Righteousness?

Acting or becoming positive is not necessarily the right thing to do, because the old computer program will pop back into the computer and replay itself automatically, when we are off guard. What we could do is to identify the behavior(s) or thought pattern(s) that is not working for us. And deliberately identify them by writing it down and write out a new behavior of how we will respond and react and feel from now on.

When doing this, we need to really decide where we want to go in life. It could be with our relationships or finances or at work or with physical exercise or any other area in our lives that is not what we want them to be. What direction do we want to take our lives and what example do we want to set as a person? What area is not working for me and what beliefs are keeping me stuck in this self-image of what I think I deserve?

Once we begin to see the power in thinking about our thinking, and thinking about our self-image, we can begin looking at our beliefs and habits and see if they fit what we want to become and do and have. Then we can rewrite new behaviors and habits of thought to guide us to where we want to go and help us move in the direction we want to go.

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PS - I used this method a long time ago. It worked. I am reapplying it now. It may not work perfectly since I am in an uncontrolled or chaotic environment, but it sure feels good to know that I do not have to be subjected to the whims and fancies of others when I recall and commit to understanding the power behind this important concept.

PPS - I am traveling this week. It may be difficult to post a follow up to this topic. But I hope to show some tools to allow reprogramming the subconscious and our self-image in an upcoming post.

The Law of Attraction & Al-Anon & AA

The Law of Attraction; How it applies to Al-Anon, Alcoholics, Addicts, codependents.

What if, we attracted into our lives, everything that we are experiencing in our lives right now? This may be, my most important blog post of all time. I hope I am able to convey my thoughts to you through this post.

The Law of Cause and Effect
There is in science, a law called; The Law of Cause and Effect also known as the Law of Causality. Most religions talk about this law. In the Christian religion, it is called many things, one of which you may recognize as the principle of Sowing and Reaping; "Whatever ye shall sow, so shall ye reap." (I am writing from memory, but that is it in essence).

What if our beliefs, the beliefs we picked up from early childhood, are working against us? What do I mean? What if you picked up a belief, through listening to your parents or a teacher in school, (or your religion, or whatever) that became so deeply seated and rooted in us, that we came to believe that this is a "normal way of thinking or behaving?" And, because of this fact, we never questioned it's validity? What if we don't even know we picked up the belief, because it is so deeply rooted in us, that it is on "automatic pilot" for us and is operating without us even being aware of it at the subconscious level?

My Discovery; One Thought and Quote That Turned My Life Around
On my discovery of self, and when I decided to change my world, I found this phrase. It turned my life around. By now, you've heard it a thousand times;

"You become what you think about."

This has been talked about through ALL religions. Buddha talked about it. It is in the Christian religion. It has been talked about by Aristotle, by Epictetus, by Ralph Waldo Emerson, and many others.

What if, you picked up "unworkable" beliefs? What if, you picked up "untrue beliefs" that you thought were true, but aren't?

I was able to successfully, turn my life around, and go from poverty to being some what, pretty successful, with this one idea. Now, I am not Donald Trump, by any means. But I am, and have been pretty fortunate.

I turned my work life, my financial life, around. I reprogrammed my thinking by reading every day and listening to audios when I jog, or drive. So, I worked on changing my thinking. I undid past programming. I reprogrammed in, new thinking and beliefs.

Where Did I Mess-Up?
Because I was poor as a child, I was determined to not be poor. But I had poor thoughts, not supporting me in my goal and aim to get out of poverty. These thought were holding me back. I thoughts that all business people were liars, and cheats. I thought, for anyone to become a success, they had to be a fake. I learned that these were the very thoughts that were holding me back - in business and my financial affairs.

While I turned my life around in business, I neglected reprogramming my mind around my personal "codependent upbringing." I never even heard of the word, "codependent" until a few months ago. If I did hear of the term, it never did register with me.

Al-Anon and How We Get Here
Now, at every Al-Anon meeting I attend, I see women and men, who were brought up in an alcoholic home, or a codependent home, and almost every one of us, married an alcoholic or an addict of some type.

You would think, we would have known better! We saw it and we said, "We are never going to live like this again." And sure enough, we did. We attracted and married, what was familiar to us. Someone we said we would not repeat. Unbelievable when you think about it. Are we nuts? Are we crazy? In one sense, maybe.

The Disease - A Family Disease
The reason for this is, I believe, is the cycle of the disease. Is it so strong, that we actually attract people? That we, as codependents, HAVE to find someone we HAVE to take care of? At

Al-Anon, men and women alike talk about this phenomenon openly. The senior members talk about how they can attract the wrong person across a crowded room. Some men have divorced their first wife, only to remarry to another alcoholic. And there are some men, that divorce the the second time, to remarry, someone who isn't an alcoholic, but a person who needs someone to be taken care (the men learned the second time to check to see if they drank, but didn't check their heads).

What unworkable belief do we have to shed to get rid of this? I am not sure. But it starts with being aware of this Law of Attraction. It starts with understanding this Law of Causality or Law of Cause and Effect. It is also know as "Self-Fulfilling Prophecy."

If You Still Don't Believe It
The Law of Self-Fulfilling Prophecy is my favorite law or phenomenon. Allow me to give you an example that you will probably relate to:

• How many times have you learned the definition of a word you've never heard before, and then all of a sudden you see the word or hear the word that same day, several times?
• Or, when you were looking at buying a car, and all of a sudden you buy it, and you see the same exact car all over town?

We all have had the experience. Was the word never there before?

Or was the word there, but we didn't recognize it?

My Final Thought
How do we stop this cycle of addiction and attraction? What about our children? What are they see and hearing from us that they too, will pick up the traits of us, as the mother or father? How do we stop passing down these behaviors of codependence or alcoholism to children?

The argument may be made that alcoholism is hereditary. I am not so sure. I admit, there are strong pieces of evidence that this may be true.

But what about codependence? There is no correlation of a codependent gene or broken synaptic nerves in the brain.

Can We Break This Cycle?
Yes. I believe so. And I think it starts with us. By recognizing that we have old, deep seated beliefs in us, that aren't working and aren't helpful. And because they are programmed into our subconscious, they operate on auto-pilot. We react the same way. We do the same thing. We like the same people. And so on.

So, the first step is recognizing the pattern. Second step is reprogramming ourselves. Buy the books (Al-Anon, or other self help books on codependency or self help). Attend AA and Al-Anon, you will be absolutely impressed when you go in to these meetings now with this recognition. Then get a sponsor. My sponsor saved me several times over the past two months from repeating old behaviors that didn't work and helping me see this fact and helping me reprogram my self. This was something I did not believe ANYONE could help me with. Another is see a therapist who deals in alcohol abuse and knows Al-Anon.

A great book I have mentioned over and over is this book Beyond Positive Thinking, by Robert Anthony. He devotes the first three chapters explaining this and the remaining chapters on how to break it or reprogram yourself. He also talks about a Higher Self (aka Higher Power) and tapping into this source for help and guidance.

This is, my most important post.

My best for you today and the rest of your lives.

What Is Life?

What is life? A positive message, for members of AA, Al-Anon, codependents, and people who just want to get more out of life.

About 20 years ago, I saw my life drifting. I came from a poor/lower income family. Just, and I mean, just, getting by. My mother drilled into my head, "You are going to college." I had no idea why. Except that I could get a better job and get out of a bad environment of poverty. And I knew I had to work. Not sure where I got that from. Probably mom.

I worked my tail off, and went to college far away from home. When I got out of college, I landed a good job. But no one ever showed me the "ropes" as to how to be successful in work and in life.

To cut straight to the chase, an author by the name of Robert Anthony (Dr.) came to me via a book. Since then, it's been pretty good. It's been all down hill. Almost smooth sailing - always. I became a positive attitude guy. Because the alternative sucked.

Just for Today
This morning this passage below struck me. Every morning I read for about 2 hours a day. Unless there is utter chaos in the house, which is why I get up at 4:30AM. I try to avoid the chaos, but more importantly, meditate. My meditation is in the form of writing in spiral bound notebooks what I am reading. There is magic between the pen, hand, arm, and brain. It fires your synapses up. It "awakens" you to the possibilities of life.

Before you read the passage, here is a quote. It is from me; "We only get one shot on this little hairball planet called earth. Why not make it worth it by risking, by going forward by attempting, to put yourself out there, on the high-wire act. Because in the end, no one will remember the embarrassment you are afraid of, and in the end, no one will really care. So why not?"

The short version of this quote is: "Screw it." (insert another word for "screw" if you prefer.)

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Here is the passage from an older book from Dr. Robert Anthony (The Truth About You);
The Only Game In Town
"It is my understanding that the purpose of life is to live life as fully as possible. In the past, if you wanted to do something, you might have been told you had to wait your turn and let another person have their chance. So, you sat on the sidelines and didn't participate . . . and you didn't get anything or anywhere either. The people who don't have anything in life are the people who are not giving anything out, they are the takers, not the participants.

. . . What happens when you stop participating in life is that your body thinks it is all over and starts to decay itself so that it can be recycled.

The only purpose for life is to participate and grow. To be out there, to be doing things, to be expressing yourself - your talents, your abilities and your relationships. If you are tired of participating, then you are already dead on your feet. Participation is the only game in town. That's what life is all about.

What is participating? It's putting yourself out there in life and risking."

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Like I said before, "Screw it."

Nike might say, if they had any good advertising people; "Screw it.Let's do it."

That's mine. I said it first. It's copyrighted. Don't steal it.

Have fun today. And remember, one more time; "Screw it." Because in the end, you get one shot on this little hairball planet called earth, and no one will remember.

Positive From Negative - Al-Anon Post

(Revised 4PM Monday)
Al-Anon Step 1 work. This weekend I hosted an Al-Anon Meeting that I attend regularly. This made for a record breaking 6 Al-Anon meetings in one week for me. And this is from a person who said, "Couldn't stand the meetings." (Ha!)

I talked about my situation and how I was going to make a "bad" decision or "bad" situation not created by me or my daughter and how to turn it into a good situation. In other words, take something bad and outside of our control and create into something good.

Background and Catch-Up
I spoke of how my wife took off to the lake/mountains while not really considering the consequences of her actions, by not asking my opinion, not telling us how long she would be gone, what time she was leaving and what time she would be back. As you recall from last week's blog posts I was pretty unhappy. I did gain my equilibrium around Tuesday by blogging, hearing from you all, and attending Al-Anon meetings.

So my action to make this a "good thing" was to try and figure out how to spend more time with my daughter. So I looked into going to taking a trip, but wound up going out to a nice dinner at a world famous restaurant (alright may in my world - it was world famous). I was taking my daughter and her friends out to dinner and have a great time.

The Al-Anon Talk
As part of my talk I created a PowerPoint document as a handout. It represents all of the major negative issues we face as family members of alcoholism. And it represents all the positive things we can do to influence our lives (note: I do not say "the alcoholic's life).

To view the diagram . . . . . ----> Click here to view diagram

Someone suggested I publish the talk and diagram in Forum, Al-Anon's magazine that comes out once a month. The conversation started off with, "Joe, I want to talk to you about this diagram." Instantly, fear walked into my mind, conjuring up an image that the Al-Anon police were going to say something about the PowerPoint diagram saying, "It wasn't Al-Anon approved." And of course she would have been right. It's just that I respect this person and did not want to get on a "black list." I fear rejection. Interesting that I am still dealing with this. Then there is a part of me that says, "Screw it." And I do it anyway. Probably some psycho-analysis is needed here for these two divergent and opposing thoughts.

Anyway, she said, "You really ought to consider getting this published in Forum. They could use material like this. I have been trying to condense some of the princples in Al-Anon and this chart helps quite a bit."

So my fear was not even close to appearing real.

Anyway, I will try to explain what the PowerPoint diagram actually depicts. And before I do, I must tell you there are no short cuts. This diagram just represents to me - one thing - we need to work on ourselves and not allow our minds to drift to the negative, as it is so easy for this to happen in the environment in which we live.

The Al-Anon Talk
On the left hand side is where our mind may tend to go and actually live - The Negative Thinking side.

Before I went into describing the diagram, I read from two of the Al-Anon books, as a set up and where a lot of my information is derived. Here are the passages.

From the book "How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics" p32.

. . . "We don't realize that, by playing our part, we actually contribute to sustaining the disease of alcoholism. We may serve as enabler, rescuing the alcoholic from unpleasant consequences of his or her own making. Or we may play the victim, unwillingly stepping in and covering for the alcoholic who is too drunk or hung over to fulfill job or family responsibilities.

CHANGING THE PART WE PLAY IN THE FAMILY DISEASE (heading)
. . . "By recovering from the effects of the disease, we become able to stop playing our part in the family disease. The balance is disrupted. Suddenly it is no longer comfortable for the the alcoholic."

From the book "Hope for Today"
I am doing this from memory, as I do not have the book in front of me. So this is my interpretation. The actual page it is from is page 47 (earlier I said page 99 - not even close);

"We go into our mind, and pass through neighborhoods that are bad, neighborhoods where we should not pass through alone, for we know what these neighborhoods look like because we have been there many times before with poor results.

"This is a time for us to call our sponsor, an Al-Anon friend, read Al-Anon literature, meditate."

The PowerPoint Diagram Explained:
What I am depicting is a representation of where our mind can lead us, and how controlling people, situations and things are outside of our control. And control may be or lead to the factors under "Negative Thinking" - while there are accelerants that continue to harm us and harm us faster as noted under the heading "Feeding Negativity."

You will also notice that the Negative Thinking diagram is a dashed line, representing things "oozing out," like a wound (sorry - that is graphic - it is not what I said by the way).

While under the Reframe which leads to Positive Thinking, the focus is on ourselves and what we really can control, and how focusing on this side actually makes us better. This therefore can disrupt the cycle of addiction - or at least keep us from adding fuel to the addiction and the chaos.

The line around this diagram is solid. It is about keeping the work focused on ourselves. Making it an "inside job." This is not to say we should isolate ourselves.

In this case, it is "all about us." For once. Focus on ourselves. Work on us. It is important to know we matter.

The End. And We All Lived Happy, Normal Lives

OK. That was sarcastic. I need to read more.

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More Stuff and Thoughts

Under Miscellaneous
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A little humor:
By the way, what if we had bumper stickers made up, with "Stop the Drama" printed up on them? Would others "get it?"

Under the category: Do you think country singers are codependent?

Here's a song title that says it all : "The worst you ever gave me, was the best I ever had."

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Our On-Line Al-Anon Weekend Meeting
This weekend's meeting on-line was another smash hit, with user viewing count hovering again at just under 300!

Our Thanks to Catherine for the Finances & Money topic. I learned a lot and saw myself in the comments of many people. Please take a look at this and any one of the other meetings we held on-line for the past several weeks.

You can view this meeting and others by going to the Right Hand side of this blog and look under Past On-Line Meetings. There you will find the dates and the subjects covered.

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My Personal Note To You (& Me):Realize many of us are in pain, for many different reasons. Some of us have been neglected. Some of us have been unloved. Some of us have been abused. Some of us are living in chaos and crisis. Some of us do not know how we are going to make it to the next day. We've all been there in one form or another.


But here are a couple of key points I wish to make:The alcoholic can make you feel like you are the rotten one - the bad person. Here is what a counselor told me one day, and it has stuck in my mind and I think it is appropriate for all of us in our situation, for we all feel shame and blame, but here are his words, exactly:

"You are not an evil one."

I don't use this to blame my spouse, but only to remember that this disease is hideous. There is a saying used by psychologists; "Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling and powerful."

Actually the term comes from AA directly from The Big Book. Near the start of chapter 5 (page 58 ) it says "Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful."

Remember, you are not to blame. And you are not the cause. And you cannot change it nor cure it.

Steve Martin - A Phone Call and Message

Steve Martin and Al-Anon? No. But still we need some humor every now and then. This is one of my favorites. It's old, (from Johnny Carson), but if you don't crack a smile, play it later, you will!

I was reading his autobiography a while back and could help but think about how he rose up, slowly, surely, confidently to become the star his is today. His rise was not without a lot of set backs.

Here it is! Click on it once. It takes a second to load up.


If you are unable to view it, cut and paste this link below and put it into your browser/internet address bar. It will take you to YouTube.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=EYGBsrCmcCw

PS - I did post this to this blog a long time ago (or so it seems).