Resentments

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night where the discussion was on resentment.

I heard some neat tidbits. Here's one;

"When I begin to feel a resentment, that's the moment where I began to feel like a victim."

Here's a few more;

"My resentments usually are when I am trying to get someone to do something other than what they are doing."

"I am trying to control reasonable responses or reactions of others."

Note the key word here is "reasonable." These responses of others (or reactions or actions) may be and probably all are, reasonable. Ya know why? Just because they are not what I might do or say, doesn't make them unreasonable.


The key one I heard was . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . "To give up resentment, try forgiveness."

OKAY. NOW ABOUT ME
I am going court next month. It is a trial by jury. Yes. In my state we have the option of trial by jury in divorce cases. I made several (a bunch, probably too many) attempts to settle, to mediate, and offer a last settlement. No answer. No counter offer.

So, I pray.

I resent the legal system. I wanted to share that I resent divorce lawyers. The truth always get skewed. And when dealing with an alcoholic and attorney who want MONEY, this is like setting your money on fire and trying to douse the flames with gasoline.

My child has also been impacted. She listens to every conversation my wife has had about me and obviously what is said not positive. I resent that too.

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I am trying to let go and let God. I run to relieve the stress, but I hit a wall at about 20 minutes into the run, and I have to stop. No energy. No ZEST.

So, now, I turn this over to God with this post (And probably a few more between now and then).


And now I am going to . . . . . . . Forgive.

Monday - The Start of Another Week

Well, today is Monday. As soon as I tackled one small (reallllly large actually) problem, which was my day in court, my head rushed to another problem. I have to move out of the house . . . which is okay by me. The problem is I have to find a house to rent temporarily.

My head rushed to thinking - "What if you cannot find a place?"

Then it rushed to - "You will be living in a two room apartment. Your daughter will never want to visit, and you will be miserable and depressed and bummed and alone and . . . "

You get the picture?

I am letting my head to run ahead and play what if games - and the what if games were - frankly, about worry and the worst possible outcome.

I have to stop my mind from doing this. I have to be present. I really like Eckhardt Tolles' books, for they have helped me understand how my head (actually my ego) wants me to miserable and lives in the future making my present unbearable. And the living in the future with something that hasn't happened yet, is really, when you think about it, pretty dumb.

If I can stop the mind, I can just live in the present. The here and now. If I can focus on this, little by little I can regain my sanity. It is hard, however.

Al-Anon has taught me the same thing - only in different words. But essentially it is exactly the same. I went to two meetings Saturday and church Sunday and another Al-Anon meeting later Sunday afternoon. These allow me to sit in the present and not be alone. Right now alone is hard.

On the other hand, my spouse, soon to be ex, is really excited. I think she thinks her life will change for the good and will never have to work and she can whatever she wants. I am not sure about her thoughts, but for some reason my head starts to drift over to her thinking and frankly, that's pretty dumb too.

Last, on the witness stand, she said she wasn't an alcoholic. Even though she said she goes to AA meetings everyday. She also said, she got her 90 and 90 done and has the 90 day chip. Although she also said she drank during this time (within the 90 days). She told the judge and all of us (a lot of friends were there), that some meetings are run differently, that you can drink during the 90 days and that other meetings you cannot. Does that sound unbelievable and incredible?

Well, now there I go again. I am confessing my wife's sins and the program and the focus should be on me.

The only thing I will say about the drinking within the past 90 days - which was really incredible, was her attorney was stating over and over that she has not drank anything since late December 2007. I'll bet that this little statement on the witness stand sort of surprised the attorney. But what was relief to me was, I knew she was. I just stopped looking for the signs - well stopped looking sort of - I still listen to her voice and eyes and lips - dead give aways for me to tell. The relief was knowing I wasn't going crazy (although I already am) - that my intuition told me she was drinking.

Have a good week!

Our Pain

Eckhart Tolle and his book "A New Earth" can, I believe, help us in our recovery. However, I want to point out that Al-Anon approved literature is critically important to our recovery. One of the reasons to use and read and discuss Al-Anon approved literature is because it relates directly to our situation of dealing with our qualifiers who have addictions and specifically, alcohol. Secondly, it keeps us all from introducing new material that dilutes that material everyone else is reading which can make our lives even more confusing and - what we need least of all - more chaos.

However . . .

Today and probably a few more posts, I am going to refer to this book by Eckhart Tolle, "A New Earth." and hopefully provide some thoughts I what I have found to be interesting and helpful, at least to me.

The book talks about our pain (referred to as "pain-body"). That this is a negative emotion that could be picked up from our childhood, or from a collective group unconsciousness (such as Native American Indians and their treatment by early European settlers - this is not meant to be a political statement or argument, but just to be used to provide an example).

Often, we do not see this pain-body or pain we have suffered. And we have not dealt with it in a manner that corrects or least resolves it. The pain we keep and feel is fed by our thoughts.

It is only by being conscious in the present that we can relieve this pain. By thinking about the past, and dredging up the problem, we feed the pain. We need to figure out how to stay focused in the present. By thinking about the future, we also feed the pain. It gets larger and larger as we allow our minds to worry (think about the past and the future).

It is hard to worry if you are staying in the present with your thoughts. I - personally - am a big violator of this message. And it has only been through Al-Anon that I learned the pain I am suffering is because thinking about and visualizing the future. I sometimes grieve and pull up the past, and say, unconsciously, "if only."

Back to the book . . .

The pain-body can no longer control your thinking if you don't identify with it and can no longer control your thinking and therefore your emotions. This is a huge task for us to work on.

If you - we - can sever the link between it (the pain-body) and your thinking, the pain-body loses its energy. Your thinking ceases to be clouded by emotions; your present perceptions are no longer distorted by the past. The past can be made up of the real suffering we experienced, as well as the imagined suffering caused by playing the negative event(s) over and over again in our minds. This replaying of negative events has fed the pain-body and has kept us from living the joyful life we were meant to live out.

Now this may be easier for some. Because we are in circumstances currently that overwhelms us in an alcoholic environment. We seek answers and control over a situation we are not in control of. We tell ourselves that if we "let go" that we are not doing our duty to help the other person. And we learn - but hate to hear - we cannot fix another person's addiction.

For others, who are not living in the alcoholic environment, we are still affected by it. We are "sensitized" to stimuli that conjures up the past. Or, we think about the past. Or we react, reflexively as if the past was occurring all over again.

How do we recover?
Well, one way, as I mentioned, is staying present. Stay in the Now. This keeps us from feeding the pain with thoughts.

Second way to recover, forgiveness. True forgiveness. Forgive everyone you meet. Forgive everyone who offended you. As Tolle points out, "your victim identity dissolves, and your true power emerges-the power of Presence. Instead of blaming the darkness, you bring in the light."

Total Forgiveness

What if you forgave everyone who has trespassed against you? Today? What if you forgave everyone, no matter what they did to you?

Why would we do this? Because, we hurt ourselves more, by carrying the resentment around with us.

In releasing everyone, how would that feel? What weights would be lifted off your shoulders?

So, what if you totally forgave everyone, today?

Forgiveness

fForgiveness - In Al-Anon this is one of the tools we use to help us. Sounds strange doesn't it? "To help us."

A Simple, Effective, Powerful Tool
Forgiveness. A powerful tool that if used properly can fill you with abundance, joy and peace. You see, forgiveness is the opposite of resentment. Forgiveness allows us to release the anger and the trespasses that we feel people have made against us.

Hanging on to the anger, the feeling that we have been trespassed is another powerful addiction. As soon as we hang onto one feeling of anger and allow it to reside within our bodies, we soon find another person's actions or words have harmed us. And we allow it to reside there too. This action becomes easier for us each time. Soon it becomes a habit.

Sow a thought; reap an action.
Sow an action; reap a habit.
Sow a habit; reap a character.
Sow a character; reap a destiny.

A Sack of Poison
Soon we are carrying this sack full of poison within us - despising our so called "enemies" for what they have done that has "harmed us." The problem with this is our little sack of poison starts to leak. It leaks into other relationships. It make us see the world with distrusting eyes. And soon, we begin to see actions that just "are," as actions meant to harm us.

The resentment poisons our bodies. It causes other illnesses. It causes our blood pressure to go up. It causes us to be anxious, stressful and tense most of the time. We become frightened and fear what others "may" say to us. Or we may fear what others will say about us to someone else.

Give up resentments this morning. Practice forgiving and forgiveness's. Let the past bury the past - and let the dead bury the dead, as they say. What happened in the past is the past. Not a thing you can do to change it.

Wipe the Slate Clean
Today, decide to wipe the slate clean of all past grievances. Say, "I give up and release everyone and anything that I felt hurt me." See the picture of a slate or chalk board in your mind, with all those grievances written on the board. And then, one by one, give them up by erasing them, saying, "I release everyone and anything that I felt has hurt me. I let go of the past, and what cannot be undone and I look to today, at what can be done."

Actions to Get Rid of Harder Past Grievances
If you have a grievance that you cannot just let go, here are three actions that I think can help;

1. Go to the other person and let them know you were hurt. And tell them, that you harbored anger toward them. And that you love them just them same and you have let go of the anger (or trespass.)
2. Write a letter saying how you were hurt and how you harbored the hurt/anger. And how you are releasing it. You can write it and decide whether to mail it.
3. You can write these on a piece of paper. Go to the backyard and put a match to it. As it burns, watch it burn away and symbolically, feel your resentment dissipate.

Sone people may recoil when you tell them. Some may say, "What are you talking about?" And they may really have no clue they said something that was hurtful. Others may say, "You are weird." And others, those who are in the active addiction, may not care or understand what you are talking about.

You don't have to tell anyone who you are doing this for and in fact shouldn't. It loses it power AND your telling other why you are doing this, is another form of our "disease" of needing to justify our actions and get validation/approval from others. But this is the another topic!

Knowing the reactions going into forgiving, may allow you to see and understand that you are not doing this for them.

Just for You
Forgiveness, if you like, is a purely selfish act (by the way, selfish is OK in this case!). It is for you, the forgiver. It is not for the other person. When you let go and release, you will feel better and closer to your God or your Higher Power.

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Judging Others

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Judging Others
If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting.

The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 3/21/08 and runs to Sunday 3/23/08 evening.

Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

I have come to learn that "judging others" can be a slippery slope. As soon as we become an expert, we start to set standards for how others should act. When they don't comply to our standards, we are insulted or feel wronged.

I have posted the message below which will start our meeting on: "Judging Others"

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Judging Others. We all do it. We size people up every day. We evaluate people's behavior in the work place and at home. We evaluate others' driving ability. We even evaluate what people eat.

We are always "sizing them up."

Now, this may sound contradictory, because nothing is ever just "black and white." Sometimes there are standards which we should enforce, especially with children. Or in situations when someone has over stepped there boundaries and is inflicting their will on you.

Good or Bad
The judging I am talking about is the evaluation of others behavior as "good" or "bad." What if we could suspend the judgement of others? And not evaluate them as "good" or "bad" and just as "is."

If you look at the chart below, I have created a pretty simple graphic. If we judge others, we go to comparing ourselves to them. How often have you said, aloud or internally, "I would never have done that?" Or, when listening, leap to the wrong conclusion by assuming the person was going to say something negative.

And worse, when you thought someone was going to say something negative about you? We've all held our breath when someone wanted to share their opinion or provide us feedback.

The Slippery Slope Down
I believe it is a slippery slope. As soon as we start to evaluate or judge, we compare them to what we have, or would do. We usually make the situation worse. We slip into blaming, criticizing and getting angry. We hold resentments and grudges. All this - when in reality - it started with us and our thoughts of "good" vs "bad" or "better" or "worse."



















To view this diagram better - click here

The Other Side - Climbing Upward
On the flip side - the bottom part of the diagram, is the opposite of judging. And this is a compassion for others and empathizing with what they may be going through. I believe everyone is carrying a burden of sorts. And if we stick with the thought of being compassionate, even in times of stress and hostility by showing the other person love, respect and courtesy we are allowing ourselves to be of "grace."

What a wonderful word, this "grace." Balance and poise. Dignity. Staying above the fray. In the end, this is actually about Courage. Courage to be yourself - your highest self.

The Negative Side
The top part of the diagram, works on our self-esteem, negatively. Which in turn affects our self-acceptance -negatively. And ultimately we begin to not accept ourselves - or said another way, we begin to find fault within us and we no longer like ourselves.

We become less accepting and loving of ourselves overtime. And soon we have resentment built up and hostility. Soon we can't sleep. We react. We respond. And nothing seems to work right or go right in our world.

The Positive Side
The bottom side of the diagram, works on our self-acceptance, positively. And this begins to affect our self-esteem - positively.

Because of years of training, it is hard to get to the positive side and stay there. It is hard to build up positive habit patterns of responding with Courage, Compassion, and Courtesy. These are my 3 C's. They lead to Grace. And Self-Respect.

When we operate from here our lives are more manageable. We are in control. A really good word when we apply it to our own lives. A really bad word when we are applying it toward others.

And that is where the line with the arrows pointing both north and south on the right hand side of the diagram comes in.

Isn't evaluating and judging, really about us getting control over others to become more like we want them to be?

Isn't that crazy when you think about it? Would you really want to have someone trying to be just like you? Really? Wouldn't it make you mad? They would be stealing only the good parts of your identity. That would make you "less."

What if we suspended judgment today and tomorrow? And let others, be themselves. I think this is real courage. I think we should encourage others to be more themselves and less like us. I believe this leads to serenity and peace.

Can we remove guilt, anger, blame and negative emotions from our lives whereever we can?
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This is where you share your thoughts, comments, or burning issues. Have a great weekend.

Material derived from the Al-Anon book, "The Courage to Change" and "Hope for Today"

Last Post (today anyway)

Ok. So, Wife and I argue about daughter's nutrition. I say she's not eating fruits - period. Wife - who is going to AA, and came out rehab, says "Yes she is."

It is a "he said" versus "she said" thing for a second. I say, "Tell me what she eats or what do we have in this house that resembles a fruit?"

She goes, "Look, she eats Fruit Roll-ups." I say, "Are you kidding me?"

Her mind is fried I think. Or she is very good at trying to make me crazy. I realize she cannot make me crazy as I type this. I know this is stupid talk.

I control what I decide to think about me. Again, this is the easy part. My daughter thinks Fruit Roll-ups are fruit. (In truth my daughter is pretty smart. She knows they are basically candy. And she senses she is not eating the right food.)

She (daughter) was eating pasta every day. Until I intervened. It was easy to cook. No butter. No sauce. Just parmasan cheese. Every day. And all day. No joke. No exagerration. I did not know. Now I know.

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I should be kind, and compassionate. It is hard. It is very hard.

I went and found an Al-Anon meeting yesterday, because of this new found resentment. I searched my little white folded piece of paper - it has all the meetings where I live, the times, whether it is for women or men, gays, adult children of alcoholics or whatever. I carry one in the car, one at my desk and ine in my briefcase. I worry a little, because some people I work with may actually see the folded piece of paper.

Where it was held was in some rundown place. It was not the best place I have been to in the world. But when I got there, I sat in the chair, a big plastic chair, the bad ones from Walmart for 5 bucks. But, I felt a calm over take me.

I breathed deeply. And I breathed deeply again. Calm. People who understand my situation. They all understand. Even though they are from different backgrounds. It is nice to be understood and to vent (we call it "sharing" but I vented).

Everyone always laughs when I tell my story. I think I try to make it funny because we are all in pain. It may also be that it because I am afraid to show my pain and it is a way of covering it up.

Everyone there, I have never met before, except for one guy. We met at a meeting a few times before. There were several moments where there is silence. This was where no one says anything.These are hard moments. I feel a compelling desire to tell others "Speak! I want to hear your story. And I want you to know it's okay." One new gentlemen, young, who's wife went into rehab, said during the first silent moment, "Now what do we do. Just sit here?" I nearly laughed myself off of the plastic chair - trying to keep silent guffawing (is that a word? who knows).

What has this got to do with Roll-ups and Resentment? Nothing. Except they start with R. But yesterday's Al-Anon meeting topic was Guilt. And I turned the meeting into resentment when it came to me. Or at least part of discussion was resentment in the voices of others. Guilt and Resentment, two evil sister lurking under the skin able to spread like a little fire damaging our well-being. One holding our head down in shame and self-talk that beats you up to a pulp. The other, anger, on a slow burn. It's mission: to fester until eats your heart one bite at a time.

We at Al-Anon suck sometimes at making it easier on new comers. So after 5 people spoke, I talked to the newcomers when my turn came around. I told them they will not get open advice here in the meeting, that if you listen, you begin to hear options and tools and ways of dealing with your situation. It is a "magical" thing that just occurs. Sounds like bullshit (I didn't say that because some woman brought her son who was all of about 4 years old to sit and he did which was amazing), but that no matter what the situation, we can help guide you and in cases where you need help hang around at the end. But we do suck at making new people feel welcome, at least in the meetings I have been to.

This Thursday, I take my daughter to an Al-Ateen meeting. I have cleared it by talking to a number of people. One lady spent 30 minutes on the phone with me to insure it was alright for a 10 year old. She will be in a room with children from 9 to 12 years of age. I am not as concerned about this as I once was. We'll see.

Got to go out for a run and read something inspirational.
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Thank you for your kind remarks today. I consider you - strangely - as close friends. Even those that have skimmed the blog and have not said anything.
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If you note over to right we will pass 10,000 readers this week. I put that little counter over there I think sometime in November when I was messing with Blog Gadgets.

10,000 readers. But not everyone is commenting. Feel free to comment, but no rush. But realize, no one knows who you are and we are with you all the way.
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Also - we have just slightly over 300 readers this past weekend. I almost forgot to mention that part because I was resenting all over the place this morning. Great job by all this weekend

My Resentment - An Update (Late breaking)

Al-Anon spouse works. AA spouse plays tennis. Who is stressed here?

So, I am working with conference calls and the normal issues of a hard, good job. My wife is at a tennis lesson this morning.

A Little Background
My wife decides to play tennis. Oh yes, I failed to mention because she does not work, will not work, that's right, she refuses to work, because it is "too much stress" on a "recovering alcoholic." At least that was one of the stories she fabricated, why she could not work. She said they at the clinic said don't work. Actually I semi-believed it. But the clinic people said she should. It would keep her occupied and doing something. What is it? "Idle hands makes for the devils playground"

She never played tennis before. She is uncoordinated. But NOW she does. She actually stinks at it but because she has nothing to do and wants to present a good front, she is out with the girls.

This sucks

Back to This Minute
So, the school nurse calls me. Can't find your wife. So we are calling you. Apparently your daughter has a bladder infection. Dear Joe, who now has to drop everything, reschedule the con calls, goes to the school picks up our daughter, which I absolutely have NO problem doing, and takes daughter to doctor.

But the problem I have is my wife, mother of my child, has cell phone turned off at tennis lesson as it may interupt the lesson and distract the other girls.

Are you friggin' kidding me???? AM I in a nightmare here?

This only gets worse. It's not the drunkeness, it's the selfishness. Damn this is hard.

My Resentment - Trying To Overcome

Al-Anon can't fix a trip but can help me reframe and vent. My alcoholic spouse hacks me off because she doesn't think or consider others. This past Saturday afternoon was tough for me. I was hacked off that my wife will be leaving for the lake/mountain to meet her buddies this coming Saturday.

One of my sales people quit this past Friday night. Adding another complexity to this week coming up. He had several appointments and presentations with clients lined up that I was supposed to go to. But because my wife "decided" just to go to the lake the week before, I had to rearrange my work plans to stay home.

My Wife's Trip To The Lake House/Mountains - Unconsulted, Unplanned (Another totally selfish act)
As you may recall, in an earlier blog post I mentioned this, she never consulted my schedule, she just scheduled it. I found out through my daughter that my alcoholic spouse/wife/roommate (that says it right there - roommate) that she decided to go to the lake/mountains with the same girls she would get drunk with.

When I confronted her, my wife, and said, "You just got out of rehab, don't you think this is premature??" She said, "I decided I am going, all my other friends are going." Then I found out ALL her OTHER friends were not going, that others had obligations (like who knows?? staying home because they are too old to party? and now have lives like taking care of their children and being with their families?). She said, also, "I need a vacation." I wanted to say, "YOU NEED A VACATION, from WHAT??? From coordinating the tutors I lined up? From unlocking the door for our house cleaner to come in (no they have a key)?"

Are you friggin' kidding me???

I am staying in this marriage because:
A.) The Luuve I receive? (that's "Love" said with sarcasm)
B.) The appreciation I get?
C.) The help my daughter gets for studying?
D.) The opportunity to pay my wife's bills? (no, not this one, I took her credit cards away that I paid for, and now make her pay her own things)
E.) The opportunity to be able to blog about her?

If you said "E" that is probably the closest answer to accurate or truth I can possibly find. I does provide some material to write up. (that's sarcasm again).

I should give a "F" option. "F" would be the opportunity to spend $130 per hour on a therapist and rant there about this problem. Oh yeah, right, I am reframing that too. I mean not a therapist, I coach, a mentor. A guide through life and help me find the door to float freely across the universe and be happy and sing merry songs of peace. I think I hear the birds of tranquility chirping now. No. Those are the black crows perched on my wife's shoulder making that noise. Again, to be read with sarcasm or facetious.

So, back to this lake get-away thing.

I have these appointments and presentations I need to realign. Not going to be easy. I MAY have to go to a place in the country that is not easy to get to and with the weather as it's been in the past 2 weeks, the delays may keep me from coming home on time so I can be there to meet my daughter coming off the bus or be there to tuck her in Thursday night.

I have to go test my resources, the friends in the neighborhood I have made as potential helpers, just in case I do have to go out of town, they can be there to take my daughter off the bus and maybe feed her.

So it's now 7AM where I am, and my wife will make the usual bread and put a huge amount of butter on the side of a plate for my daughter to eat for her morning breakfast. I have intervened and said "no more" we need to eat fruit, making me the "bad guy" to my daughter and a "control freak" to my wife. I will show you all later what my wife considers "fruit" by the way. She and I had this little argument about fruit roll-ups. She called them fruit.

One More Thing - Making This Problem an "Opportunity"
Oh yeah. One more thing. I am trying to make a "silk purse out of a sow's ear," (I really don't use that saying in real life) but this little excursion beach trip was unplanned, and I was not consulted about whether this fits into my schedule.

So, to make this problem an "opportunity," I have decided to take my daughter some place this weekend. It will not be easy, because I had a couple of personal meetings this weekend that I need to rearrange. But that is easy to change. We are planning to go some place warm - by plane. Maybe - well who knows? I am reframing this "issue" with my wife, who didn't ask about whether it was convenient for us or me or my work or my daughter or anyone else. I could use this as another opportunity to be close with my daughter and do a little bonding and just go have fun.

For those of you in Al-Anon or in a predicament like this (an alcoholic spouse) who do not have children, Al-Anon boundary setting, and detachment doesn't work like you or someone without children can understand. It really complicates things. "Let go and Let God" is not always the answer, however, I have learned that quotes like this are often misapplied. I am rambling here, but there is a point. If you are in a relationship with an alcoholic and you are thinking of having children, far be it from me to tell you what to do, for I have the most beautiful daughter in the world and I would give ANYTHING for her, but if you are thinking of having children, and that this might "fix" your spouse, you are really complicating your issue by 10 times (10X). Because it's no longer just about you. You can set boundaries and walk away. But with a child, if you are aware of what is happening, you start to see things occuring that affect them and you have to begin protecting this little innocent creature who is now subject to mental abuse, that is often, very subtle. [Did I just write that? Yes I did. "Mental abuse that is often very subtle." And those of you who have children and are married to an alcoholic know what I mean, don't you? I did write that. I am typing very slowly now, verrrry slowly. I think I just realized something that my brain is saying to me that I keep fighting.]

Forgive and Be Free

As the spouse of an alcoholic, I know I can be free by forgiving. Forgiving does not mean I put up with nonsense or said another way, crap, of another person. It means something very different than most people think "forgiveness" actually means.

Let me tell you as honestly as I can, how immature I was (and still am) regarding the word, and the embodiment of "forgiveness."

I used to think that forgiveness meant- that forgiveness made me the bad guy. And made the other person "correct" or "OK" with their actions. I said "used to think" in the last sentence. Let me correct that. I don't want to seem I am above and beyond anyone here. And I certainly don't want to fool myself. So, the truth is, I still think this way sometimes when my past programming rises up and takes control, and I react, usually because I hurt or feel pain, because I feel someone did something to me.

But, this is important, this definition of forgiveness, to recognize how many of us in society think or believe forgive actually means. This definition of forgiveness; "making me wrong and the other person right" is why I had a hard time letting go. I know I wasn't wrong (at least sometimes). I didn't want to be wrong. Therefore, I would not forgive. So, I carried this "thing" around called "resentment."

I think resentment causes me to put on special sunglasses as I go about life. It causes me to filter out reality and causes me to seek out or look for "who might be trying to do something to me." This filtering out - actually makes me behave differently toward others - which actually attracts people to actually do something to me. It is a weird phenomenon. The thing I am trying to avoid, I actually attract, by sending out "signals" in terms of how I talk, hold eye contact (or lack thereof), move, etc. Why? Because my mind is focused on what I don't want. And I send neuro-transmitters through my brain and body. This is going too deep here - but in psychology this phenomenon has several names and terms, this "filtering" and "attracting." The term I will use that I personally like is "self-fulfilling prophecy" which if we can really get that concept, can dramatically change our lives forever.

But, as I say, I digress. This is a post on forgiveness, so I will get back on it!

Real Forgiveness - The More Mature Thinking
Real forgiveness is a completely selfish act. Now before you fly off the handle about "selfish," this word too, can be a positive word. We should be more "selfish" as long as we are not doing something to try to wound another or injure/harm. Selfish is OK. It is thinking about us, ourselves, which we rarely do, as spouses/parents of addicts.

Real forgiveness has nothing to do with the other guy being right or us being right. It has nothing to do with "letting them off the hook."

Forgiveness - to forgive - is about you and I clearing our resentments of the past. It is about freeing ourselves from the mistakes we have made. Because don't we beat ourselves up sometimes? And this leads to guilt and/or resentment.

Forgiveness is a selfish act, in that if used properly, it is about letting ourselves go free of regret, remorse, resentment, and stopping ourselves from replaying the negative events in our mind over and over again. And it is the beginning of eliminating the question we may be asking ourselves in our mind that cannot be answered. It is the question of; "If only . . . " And that question, which really isn't even a question, but a statement of regret.

I read to you from Robert Anthony. I read this last night and I thought, "Wow. How appropriate."

"To the degree that you cannot forgive, whether it be yourself or someone else, you perpetuate lack and limitation in your life. You hold back.

Many people don't want to forgive others. They say things like: "Why should I let them off the hook after what they did?" The enemy is someone who you think can take from you or harm you. People harm you through yourself. Actually, they don't harm you at all. You just give them the instructions on how to treat you and they follow through.

When we deal with forgiveness we tend to think that we must forgive because someone has done something to us. It is difficult for many people to realize that people haven't done anything to you. When you finally realize that you've done it to yourself by your responses to them then you are free of it. You are free because you're not holding onto the person as a source of your problem."

The italics are from Dr. Robert Anthony.

What struck me last night and it still strikes me, is; "We just give them the instructions on how to treat you and they follow through."

I think Dr. Robert Anthony was writing his books for me when I first stumbled upon them over 15 years ago. The words are so powerful. What I like about his writings is that I see how Al-Anon and his writings are so interconnected - because the "control" that he and Al-Anon foster is control over your thinking and therefore over your feelings. It has nothing to do with "people out there," which of course, you cannot change. It forces you to work on yourself, the only thing you can change.

I hope this post makes sense to you this day, Friday. I think this is one of my favs. I hope you like it as much as I had writing it.

May your weekend be a blessing.

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By the way, I deleted my first message from someone yesterday. You may have noticed this in an earlier post. To disclose to you this; it was from "someone" who is facing some problems with AA people. I think he thought this was an AA blog. He invoked a HP to his cause and also said he was the HP. He may strike again. Do not respond to his invocations. I wish you peace.

PS - We have a topic for this weekend's Online Meeting. Please see the post below (or click here). Ashley is hosting the Weekend Meeting. I will be sending out an invitation at around 5PM eastern time with Ashley's Topic. So please don't respond to her writing in the comments yet. She will have her own blog page all weekend as we did before. And if you wish to host a weekend meeting let me know! We have another volunteer for the week after! So this is great!

Resentments

This post is on resentments. At Al-Anon a wise person told a few of us, if you had to choose between guilt and resentment, always choose guilt. For, he said, resentment will eat you up.

Very wise. We, as spouses and parents of alcoholics are angry. We are bitter because we felt "betrayed." We are angry because we feel "decieved," "lied to" and no cause to believe the person, because the trust has been broken. Not just once, but day in and day out, for years.

What is worse I guess - is the fact that if we feel this way, how do our little innocent children feel? Link here to Letter to Children

How does someone who does not live in the shroud of alcohol understand the sickness of alcoholism and how it affects everyone's well being?

It's like a suffocating blanket of lies, told a little bit at a time. You believe the little lie. You uncover later that it was a lie. You ask about it later to your spouse. You get a perfect answer, "I never said that, I said this." It's a little twist on the truth. That little twist is believable. We believe because, we are married to someone we entrusted with our future. We gave and continue to give.

Yet we were beginning to sense something is wrong. But we could not quite figure it out. Something, some how, did not match up. Our brains start to go into overdrive, analyzing events, conversations, facial expressions, searching for what is it that is not making sense . . .

Then one day, after months, and years of the deception, we uncover that hidden bottles of wine or beer or alcohol. Hidden. A key word, hidden. Yet, now it makes sense. We were beginning to think we were crazy. All the conversations that we convoluted, twisted lies, making us [me] feel, well, "lost" in an unreal world.

The alcoholic is very good and falsifying the truth and twisting it ever so slightly as to make you/me/us feel like the bad guy. And they begin to tell others, "She is crazy." Or "He has an issue with _____." You name it. It's us, not him/her. And brother or sister, do we look bad. And feel bad.

How many of you been called a "control freak?"
How about a "MF asshole?"
How about a "loser?"
How about someone who has no future or has no friends?

With these criticisms, the alcoholic is in full rage, full bloom. Love of the alcohol, has caused her/him to protect his/her addiction. And one of the protective mechanisms is to be little the other person as to make them feel inept, crazy, and bad. She or he can kill you with a few words. And even a glance, once they have you in their "hooks."

But the worst of all, I believe, is the apathy. The apathy is; "I don't care about you, because you are meaningless and worth nothing." It is a look, an attitude, and cutting remark. And to make matters worse, in my case anyway, the alcoholic can turn the charm on, but with others, hiding behind the charm. And when you see the adoration she pays to another person, it is hard not to say, "Hey, what about me? How come you don't pay me that kind of attention?"

At least you say it to yourself. You see the chasm between how she treats others versus how she treats you and your child. It is the attitude of, "You are not important. The world and universe revolves around me. I will get to you when I feel like I can spare the time."

So far, am I right on target? I just want to know. In fact, I want others who may skim this blog one day, others who never understand what we are going to through to understand that living with an alcoholic, especially one that is so full of his or her self, or so mean, that it is like torture.

How do you feel? Am I close?

This post started off as resentment and the nice "giving it up" type of sentence and the wonderful quote. But at times, it is hard to "give it up." Especially when when you finally realize you weren't the bad guy after all. But you were made to feel bad.

So, I choose not to be resentful or even guilty. Because while resentment will eat your insides, guilt will break your confidence in half.

I am not resentful. I am not even angry. I am/or was - very hurt. My mask that I used to wear, was anger. Then it was bitterness. Now I am just tired. Surrendered. Given up. You win alcohol. You kicked my sorry ass for 15 years. And most of the 15 years, I didn't even know I was fighting alcohol. I was just kicked down on the ground my a little lady who could diss you with a glance. And ignore you like you were an endentured servant.

If I sound pissed, may be, but just for a second, but for a second long enough to fight any feelings of guilt and remorse about the future path in front of me. Because guilt is another weapon used to keep you in place.

That is my pain. I cannot stand to be treated like a "no one;" a "nobody." AND I shall never be treated that way again. Mark my words dear reader, I will never ever be knocked down by a condescending attitude, ever again.

So how do you feel? If you had to explain to someone off the street, what you are going through, have gone through, how would explain the dark cloud that you feel envelope you as you walk into the home raging with alcoholism? What scars do you bear?

It Was Smooth Sailing Until Last Night

I went to a meeting yesterday morning. It was a good one. The person who ran the meeting was married to an addict for a long time. She is very articulate. She has a good job. I love listening to her speak. She is so smart.

I sat in Al-Anon today - silent. I could not add to the conversation and discussion. I tried to think what to add but I could not - it was perfect (or as near to perfect in my mind - I remember my previous Blog about progress not perfection).

I left in Peace - hence my little moon in the right hand corner. I love that little moon. It reminds me of my daughter when she was a toddler. There was a book called - was it - Mr Moon? She loved for me or my wife to read that to her. It had a great moon of the front of the book.

I think I need to change out "Mr. Moon."

It was time to decorate the Christmas Tree - or so I found out at 4:47PM yesterday. I found a movie I wanted to watch. I got "pressured" into turning it off. It irritated me that I had asked Friday, twice, and Saturday morning twice, "When are we planning to decorate the tree? I have to leave tomorrow morning don't forget ...." I said, said I. (I had to leave on business Sunday, this morning, until Tuesday. I am thinking about coming home Monday night so my wife won't be tempted to drink Tuesday. Co-dependent? Not I.)

The answer to my questions - both Friday and Saturday - were vague. I should have pressed. Didn't. I am not a "presser." I should have closed with a specific time. It was my fault as well. It is one of those boundary things we should do - I have learned. "We are to do this at this time. OK? Okey Dokey."

I turned off my movie - it was a cool movie - I am not sure what the title was. It was a little weird. Sandra Bullock had a small part. So did some other stars. It was about kindness and wrongs. It was a "surreal" movie in that the parts were mini-stories and the mini-stories made up a larger story where everything - I believe - comes together - because I didn't see the end. It was in LA - about the police and crime ...

I came to the room, where the tree was and there was no one. I asked - are "Doing the tree?" The answer, "Oh, ok." My daughter took off for next door. She wanted to invite the little girl next door. Of course I am a little hacked, because this is supposed to fun and a family thing. I say, "No." to my daughter's request to inviting the girl next door over (Why?). My daughter is now hungry, (pobably hurt too). And when was the last time she had a snack? I am not sure. "I gave to a fruit roll-up." was the response. This is pure sugar. Don't let the "Fruit" part of the name, "Fruit Roll-up" fool you. (I explain to you reader - who may not have seen this or partaken in such a candy.) I also explained to my wife who should - I believe know these things too.

This is where "Hell broke loose." My wife said "You do this all the time. You make Christmas miserable." Of course - I am not a happy camper. I hate blame. I really hate it when it aimed at me. I of course blew up and said, "You??? Are you kidding me??? If it wasn't for your drinking we would not be in this place. I wouldn't have had to go to an Al-Anon meeting this morning - a meeting which takes up all my Saturday morning ...." Yadda, yadda, yadda. And so the story goes. The negative forces and criticism and self-destruction were lurking just barely under the surface. These little fires were stoked by Resentment - the Prince of Hate and Anger.

A bad evening. We all sat at dinner and ate the frozen lasagna my wife and daughter picked up from Target. In silence.

I leave this morning in a few hours - feeling guilty and remorseful. The roller coaster of emotion will have to change too.

My apologies to all. I did not perform well last last night. I allowed myself to get sucked in to the dysfunction. Last night I was not a leader, a beacon of hope. I screwed up.

I hate taking down the moon and putting the roller coaster up.

An Emotional Roller Coaster

I have avoided typing new words into this blog. For I am on an emotional roller coaster. One day I believe my wife is not drinking, the next I suspect she is. She goes out and drives with the foot of a brick, even with my daughter in the car.

I am mixed up. Some at Al-Anon say, "Let go and let God"....in other words, you have to step back and believe God will take care of everything. One problem I have is that God may say to me, "I gave you strength. I gave you a voice and a mind. Why didn't you use it?" In other words, God says, "You idiot. You did nothing." On the other hand, "Let go and let God."

I am erring on what I believe God would say to me.

Therefore I have become a little addicted to the "Co-Dependency" thing.

I do search the car for wine. I do search the house for wine. I do limit my daughter driving with my wife. And I have asked my wife not to drive.

The alcoholic mind thinks that it can do anything and tries to protect anyone or anything from stopping it from the drug (the drink). It lies, it cheats, it is conniving and very and I mean very, deceptive. It can out think you. It can try to make you feel like you are the one with the problem, you are the one with a mental disorder.

My wife - before I knew she was an alcoholic - said "You are a control freak!" (a lot).

I started thinking "I am." But in truth I am not. I am just wanting to know we do something I planned my day around. But this often gets knocked out - we never do the thing or we are so late, and so chaotic, it never gets done as we envisioned it getting done.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yesterday, my wife was gone from the house to attend Bible Study (she has joined a group that studies the bible - something new. I think she may have joined to get out of the house. I work from home when I am not traveling. I think she also wants people to think well of her. And then there is the side that says, "Maybe this will help her." But I have doubts whether she is serious about the help. Remember the mind is very deceptive and cunning (another great descriptive word)).

Any way she came back in the house with a huge burrito thing from Moe's (a fast food Mex place rising up in the south - soon to be a Taco near you). Anyway, I could just tell she had something to drink. She said "No", but I knew.

One thing I have learned - is this - You don't have to convince the other person (your spouse or the aetiology) to be right. You know. Trust your instinct. You can see the lips. The eyes. The way the both of them droop a little - the slight slurring of the words, and the use of new words, and the over emphasis and exaggerated statements some how trying to convince you of energy and excitement.

The point to above - you know. The signs are there. Don't beat yourself up or the alcoholic to prove your instinct is right. They will deny until the cows come home (whatever the hell that means - I think that's farming and I am not qualified for cows coming home and chickens coming to roost). They will deny, deny, deny. They will swear on a stack of bibles (where do we get these sayings from?) all day long. But that's the deception. The thing that is controlling their brain and their drinking pattern. You cannot change it or address it. It is so far removed from your statements and questions and ranting and raving, that all you do is work your self up into a frenzy.

So, on this point let go and let God.

So, I left the house for a dental appointment. Before I left she told me "I am not leaving the house, I will be making up the beds and cleaning the stairs". When I got back an hour later she was gone. I called her on the cell phone from my car in the garage. "Honey, where art thou?". No
answer. Walked into the house into the pantry closet and there on one of the shelves was the cell phone. Gone - and cell phone forgotten. When she returned I said "Where do you think your cell phone could be? I wonder? Where oh where could that cell phone have gone?"

"I don't know." was the response. I showed her and said "OK. Now why would it be there?" We both knew. She cannot remember like she used to.

Before I left for the dentist - we also talked about Newsweek Magazine and the power women on the cover and featured in this issue. Rachel Ray was the topic. Wife said she (Rachel) was 40. "No way" I said and we went looking at the magazine for the answer - but they didn't mention her age.

Later that night - when she was sober - she had no memory of the conversation. She thought she had read about Rachel on the couch in the den. We were in the kitchen standing at the counter having the real conversation .... But she could not recall. Is she now losing her mind?

By the way, when she way gone - she was getting her feet pedicured (what a life). I am working my tail off and worrying and she is getting a foot massage and toe nail paint job. I am crazy?

I keep on thinking "What about me?" I have a little (probably a lot on a given day) of resentment.

Last part. Yesterday, I called another councillor. I wanted some help. Our councillor said, "He could not help me personally and that we both hired him, therefore the advice he could give me only circled around the alcoholic and my relationship to her and the circumstances.

What crap.

What about me? I am dying here. The alcoholic afflicts his or her disease on the ones trying to help and support.

So what am I to do? Get your own advisor. So I call up an advisor, a new one. I explain what our counsellor says, and my problem. And immediately he says we need to treat her. I don't need her to be treated - I need help. The help we are giving her is not working -and she does not want it nor use it. I flush 90 dollars down the drain on every visit (may not all - we have made progress. At least after 3 months she says, "I am an alcoholic.").

I have found there is not much help. Even Al-Anon, we talk about the problem, but we don't talk about what we are going to do for us - for ourselves. The talk revolves around the alcoholic and the resentment and the treatment and the whatever. Even after years of separation, there are some who still harbor resentment over what this person has done.

OKAY? This is a rant for help. Is there anyone out there with the same issue? Where do we go for help and have people pay attention to what we want, what we need, what we desire?

Sorry about not posting. I am on the emotional roller coaster!