It Was Smooth Sailing Until Last Night

I went to a meeting yesterday morning. It was a good one. The person who ran the meeting was married to an addict for a long time. She is very articulate. She has a good job. I love listening to her speak. She is so smart.

I sat in Al-Anon today - silent. I could not add to the conversation and discussion. I tried to think what to add but I could not - it was perfect (or as near to perfect in my mind - I remember my previous Blog about progress not perfection).

I left in Peace - hence my little moon in the right hand corner. I love that little moon. It reminds me of my daughter when she was a toddler. There was a book called - was it - Mr Moon? She loved for me or my wife to read that to her. It had a great moon of the front of the book.

I think I need to change out "Mr. Moon."

It was time to decorate the Christmas Tree - or so I found out at 4:47PM yesterday. I found a movie I wanted to watch. I got "pressured" into turning it off. It irritated me that I had asked Friday, twice, and Saturday morning twice, "When are we planning to decorate the tree? I have to leave tomorrow morning don't forget ...." I said, said I. (I had to leave on business Sunday, this morning, until Tuesday. I am thinking about coming home Monday night so my wife won't be tempted to drink Tuesday. Co-dependent? Not I.)

The answer to my questions - both Friday and Saturday - were vague. I should have pressed. Didn't. I am not a "presser." I should have closed with a specific time. It was my fault as well. It is one of those boundary things we should do - I have learned. "We are to do this at this time. OK? Okey Dokey."

I turned off my movie - it was a cool movie - I am not sure what the title was. It was a little weird. Sandra Bullock had a small part. So did some other stars. It was about kindness and wrongs. It was a "surreal" movie in that the parts were mini-stories and the mini-stories made up a larger story where everything - I believe - comes together - because I didn't see the end. It was in LA - about the police and crime ...

I came to the room, where the tree was and there was no one. I asked - are "Doing the tree?" The answer, "Oh, ok." My daughter took off for next door. She wanted to invite the little girl next door. Of course I am a little hacked, because this is supposed to fun and a family thing. I say, "No." to my daughter's request to inviting the girl next door over (Why?). My daughter is now hungry, (pobably hurt too). And when was the last time she had a snack? I am not sure. "I gave to a fruit roll-up." was the response. This is pure sugar. Don't let the "Fruit" part of the name, "Fruit Roll-up" fool you. (I explain to you reader - who may not have seen this or partaken in such a candy.) I also explained to my wife who should - I believe know these things too.

This is where "Hell broke loose." My wife said "You do this all the time. You make Christmas miserable." Of course - I am not a happy camper. I hate blame. I really hate it when it aimed at me. I of course blew up and said, "You??? Are you kidding me??? If it wasn't for your drinking we would not be in this place. I wouldn't have had to go to an Al-Anon meeting this morning - a meeting which takes up all my Saturday morning ...." Yadda, yadda, yadda. And so the story goes. The negative forces and criticism and self-destruction were lurking just barely under the surface. These little fires were stoked by Resentment - the Prince of Hate and Anger.

A bad evening. We all sat at dinner and ate the frozen lasagna my wife and daughter picked up from Target. In silence.

I leave this morning in a few hours - feeling guilty and remorseful. The roller coaster of emotion will have to change too.

My apologies to all. I did not perform well last last night. I allowed myself to get sucked in to the dysfunction. Last night I was not a leader, a beacon of hope. I screwed up.

I hate taking down the moon and putting the roller coaster up.