Letting Go - On New Years

Letting Go - a powerful concept.

I just placed into my God box a note asking for help in "letting go" and gaining peace and serenity this week. Then I go to Robert Anthony's book - by the way - not approved by the Al-Anon conference - and open up the page and there is a whole section on letting go.

Life and Al-Anon work this way for me now. The synchronicity thing . . .

I am going to quote from it and paraphrase what is means to me this morning.


"Whenever we get a strong belief, whenever we think that what we know is the truth, we then lock onto that belief as a defense against conflicting beliefs. We cannot hold conflicting beliefs in our mind without anxiety or distress. So what we do is gather supportive data and information to prove we are right and not crazy for believing what we believe. This can work against us in seeking out the truth because we operate in accord with the truth as we see it and not as it is.

Sometimes we hold on to opinions, attitudes and beliefs that no longer serve us. This is why we must examine our beliefs on a regular basis to see where we might be lying to ourselves or locking out information that may be more relevant. Why don’t we do this? We lock out the truth because we don't want to be wrong, make a mistake, or feel bad."

The words, "to prove we are right" hits me this morning. In my battle against alcoholism - my wife who is the alcoholic - I knew in my heart and intuition something was wrong. My wife, told me lies and made me think I was wrong. I fought to prove I was right. Now I lock onto my opinions and try to prove my "opinions" are right in normal, every day life - probably out of habit - but mostly out of feeling "less than" or insignificant.

I really don't think I do this as often as I did - in fact - I think I do this very rarely - but - I may be wrong. I need to look out for when I am tired.

I was tired last night. A person asked me out to a New Years celebration. I couldn't go and in reality -didn't want to. I am not a partying person right now. I know - boring. But I couldn't help but hear these words and start my judgment with this person . . .

She said, "I want to be around people and sip champagne . . ." I am saying to myself, "Why?"

I have no desire to do this. I locked onto this and started my questioning of her "desire" which was a form of judgment. It was on the phone that we had this conversation. This makes it doubly bad. My voice is deep and resonate. It can sound - well - hard. I am not hard - but when I am tired, I come across - well - I dislike admitting it - bad. I sounded controlling. I was manipulative in my questions.

This person is a nice person. Different values. Different desires. I said I wasn't going - and couldn't. I just should have "let go." And of course - I am beating myself up for my slip of judging. New Years was never a great time for me.

I had conflicting beliefs - because the truth is - I did want to go. I couldn't and shouldn't. I have stopped all alcohol intake. Not because I am an alcoholic - but because it scares the crap out of me now that I have seen its power and cunningness.

I am afraid of all who drink. I am afraid of anyone I might be attracted to. I know this disease could pop up again in my life. I am - afraid of it - no . . . scared shitless of it.

I am letting go today - because it is out of my "control."

My Note to Kelly

Kelly - I too was worried about the death of my qualifier. I knew she was killing herself. There were things happening to her body that - well - were not normal.

I am not a doctor, but if I described them here - you too would see it that way.
Alcoholism is an insideous disease. It is almost - to me anyway - disease that attracts attention from others and sucks the life out of those of us it attracks.

Our belief is we can fix it. And somewhere it tricks us into thinking we caused it.

My word for you is to - DETACH. With or without love. With love is kind and compassionate with understanding that this is a disease. MOst importantly - it is kind and compassionate toward yourself.

If you have too - just DETACH. Don't get angry or blame or cause anxiety with yourself by arguing, or trying to presuade. The arguing and persuasion part - is the disease working thru us and once again, putting the attention on him/it/the disease.

Think of the disease as a disease except with a psychological attraction that grows by you feeding it with hate, anger, persuasion and frustration.

If you want to defeat it - then of course you would never do the above things. But it has gotten to you and filled you with anxiety and the NEED to control and fix it.
You can't.

The only thing you can fix it YOU. You are numbero uno. You fix yourself and the world is a better place. Family, friends and relatives see you as the good guy and healthy. When you get healthy - you make better choices. You have more options.

I can say all this now. For I am not living with the disease any more. My wife's disease carries on. I see it in her emails and hear it in her voice. She baits me. She wants me to engage.

Sometimes I am trapped in the snare and I react. I fall prey to the disease and I am not even living with it. So everything I say above - while it is true - requires real fortitude and strength.
Reprogram yourself and reprogram your responses to your husband.

Reprogram your thoughts of death as perhaps a metaphor that part of your life is perhaps over. Not a physical death - but a mental death.

I felt this "death" - I think we all have. It's called shattered dreams. We lived a life - and wanted something - a vision - a dream of what could be. It maybe that it never materialized, or you saw glimmers of it.

Detach. Detach. Detach.

Focus on yourself is a great slogan.

Read Chapter 10 - hell read all the chapters of How Al-Anon Works.

I really found The New Earth by Tolle and his earlier book the Power of Now great books. I sat and read and reread The New Earth and the Pain-body sections over and over and over all summer. I read - I think it was pages 160 to 220 - about 12 times. In fact, I was thinking just yesterday I need to reread them again. It is about detaching, being powerless over someone else, surrendering your thoughts and realizing your ego - your own ego needs to be fed. The ego wants you to think you are less than. It feeds on your misery. And it makes you see everything is a light of being miserable.

First step - be aware of it coming up and starting. It starts as a small voice and then it calls a meeting. The committee meets and you are being knocked around by the voices. FIRE your committee and rehire new people for your committee. You can hire Jesus or Budha or both. What would they be telling you? How about one of your closest friends too? Or someone you admire and respect? Abe Lincoln? It's your head. You can control your head - we just don't. The mind is a terrible master - but a good slave(no offense intended to anyone - it is only a metaphor).

Love yourself. Have compassion for yourself.

See a therapists that DEALS with alcoholism in families.If you have an EAP program - the program from your work that has trained counsellors they can guide you and provide assistance in finding a therapist/coach/Sherpa.

You are a good and worthy person. And everyone is thinking about you.

Signs of Strange Behavior

This post is about strange behavior of the alcoholic. Some things I should have seen as not "normal." I was lulled into a sense that this is a normal behavior pattern for a person. Below are some of the signs I maybe could have seen and recognized as alcoholism.

As you know, my story is one where I lived with alcoholism for years. I was married to an alcoholic.

Here's the strangest thing. I never knew that my wife - my "qualifier" was drinking. I just grew accustomed to how she was behaving and "just thought" that this - her strange and erratic behavior was normal.

Here are some signs of the strange behavior;

1. Failure at being on time - to anything. I am not compulsive about being "on time" especially outside of the business world. But being late all the time - for anything and everything should have been a "sign" that something was wrong.

By the way, her parents had the same problem with her. She would always be late to everything. And they thought it was "just her."

2. Forgetfulness. Yes, forgetting - a lot. Even forgot to pick her daughter up from school - or was late. Forgot to go grocery shopping - so there was little or no food in the house.

3. Shopping all the time. Another addiction. Forever leaving the house and shopping at the grocery store. It was "just one more thing" at this store or that.

4. Being unorganized - all the time.

5. Moodiness . . . especially at certain times. At 5PM every day she would become the devil. Her face would actually contort - twist - and she would be pissed off at me.

6. Being called a "Control Freak" - is a sign that you maybe controlling. But you are controlling something you don't understand and don't know why. For example, when you start asking questions about why your spouse is going out and you get "none-sensical answers" and you are then called a "control freak" - you may not be the problem, but your intuition is trying to tell you something is wrong and you are NOT listening or you are rationalizing it away. Being called a control freak may be a sign that you are controlling - you are not bad - you are just trying to figure out something that is not making sense. The problem is not recognizing that something is actually wrong.

7. Being controlling. Once you step into trying to control this disease - you lose. You lose your identity and the disease in the other person becomes more powerful in that the disease tells the alcoholic - "See, she/he is a bad person. Let's drink some more."

8. Missing work. Missing planes. Missing assignments. This occurred with Girl Scouts.

9. House a wreck. Car a wreck. I mean a mess. When stuff is scattered all over the floor -clothes or whatever or crud in the car - this is a sign. She was medicating herself away from the reality of life.

10. In my case - our daughter was always being "medicated." It was Motrin this and Motrin that for any pain. I have 4 full bottles of Motrin over my house (I no longer live with my wife and have filed for the big D in hopes that I could/can show some normalcy for our daughter). Our daughter would bring these bottles over in her suit case. I take them out and place them in the cupboard now. She was "in pain." But for some reason, once she was here, the pain was forgotten. I think this may be some sort of transference - my wife medicates herself and she wants to medicate our daughter. As I write this - I am a little pissed about this and would like to figure out what the heck to do about it.

11. Neighborhood women - they were sorta talking about my wife and how "funny" she was. I never "drilled down" into asking what they meant or what they were referring to.

12. Eating habits. My wife would eat a lot. Would these be munchies?

13. She was overly caring about what the neighbors thought of her. She wanted to show she was "perfect" on the outside, but in our home, it was a disaster. No dinners for us. But she would cook food for others who were coming home from the hospital after a baby was born or some event. Their dinner was perfect. Ours, well it sucked or did not exist. A big sign. The alcoholic and the alcoholism does not want to be found out, and wanted to put on a "perfect front." This is very normal in an alcoholic home. Sometimes the spouse of the alcoholic wants to put on the air of everything normal over here. But in reality - the house is screwed. And it - the pretending and denial affects the children - here's how: their gut/intuition is telling them something is wrong - but they are being told "don't worry about it" or "everything is normal" and "don't tell anyone." Puts a big pressure on a little person and makes them grow up confused as all hell.

14. Too many glasses of wine. Kendall Jackson was the affair with whom my wife had. I wonder how may people are drinking to be healthy and in reality - are now alcoholics . . . I really wonder. Who would think an alcoholic could be a white wine drinker?

15. Wife would go MIA for 10 minutes or 30 minutes. Our house was fairly large. So she could hide and drink. Another sign. Duh.

Anyway, these were some of my signs I "coulda," - "shoulda" seen

Please share your experience, strength and hope for others.

I know the focus needs to be on us - but there are some people out there who may be experiencing alcoholism and they are like us - they never knew it or don't know it - and need help to see it.

Alcoholism - The Alcoholic Personality

Alcoholism - The Alcoholic Personality;
It may seem a little strange for this post to be about alcoholism, especially since the focus should be on ourselves. But there are some things that perhaps we should know. The key is to know this information, but not become obsessed with it. And not use it in a rejoinder (engaging/arguments) with the alcoholic.

First Question - Is there an alcoholic personality?
This question asks, are there people with certain personality traits who are more likely to have problems with drinking?

A man by the name of George Vaillant, out of Harvard - who is a psychoanalyst - studied alcoholism over a long period of time (over 40 years). He studied the undergraduates of Harvard and candidates from Boston's inner city. Two different groups. Two different backgrounds of people (wealthy & poor; different family structure; etc.).

Interestingly, both groups showed the same results.

What was assumed at one time - that certain personalities were more likely to become alcoholics - was found to be untrue. It was assumed or thought, that people who were emotionally insecure, depressed, dependent, criminal activities when young, pessimism, etc. - were more likely to become alcoholics.


Vaillant's discovery is that such pronouncements were incorrect. In fact, it was alcoholism that produces traits of depression, dependence, criminality, pessimism, etc. And the recovered alcoholic is no more psychopathic, depressive, pessimistic, or selfish than the rest of us.

Since he or she may have missed two decades of his or her life however, he or she is often less grown up in work, emotional life, and in relationships than other men or women their age.

"As my closest childhood friend told me after recovering from twenty-five years of drug abuse, 'Marty, I'm fifty going on twenty-five.'" (quoted from the book - What You Can Change and What You Can't, by Dr. Martin Seligman). The above information is derived from the same book.

There are not many studies on alcoholism, due to the nature of this disease and the wanting to hide the fact that one is an alcoholic or remain anonymous. I am not judging here (about anonymity) - it is just a factual statement regarding getting good/accurate data on the nature of this problem our society is facing. It is not like cancer or some other disease where doctors and researchers can track the results and progress of patients under various conditions. But Vaillant's work is probably the best as he sampled people from a general population to derive at the results and tracked their progress over time.

More on this and the studies in later posts.

How Dr. Phil Fixed Himself

Self Help: How Dr. Phil Fixed Himself . . . overcoming alcoholism in his family. I saw this online. This is an interview with TV host Dr. Phil and Readers Digest. I post this today, providing all of us with hope, especially parents, but also us who are children of parents. We can prevail and overcome.

Without giving an opinion of Dr. Phil, I have a different view of him based upon this interview. His father was a binge drinker, and apparently didn't get the guidance from his father.

Here is the article / interview:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a tough childhood, Phil McGraw figured out how to fix himself -- and the rest of us too.
by Laura Yorke
From Reader's Digest
April 2005




By today's standards, Phillip C. McGraw -- better known as Dr. Phil -- has every right to be a mess. As the son of a binge-drinking alcoholic, he lived through cycles of dysfunction and near-poverty. He went to work early, not to earn spending money, but to help put food on the table. Not always the best kid, at times, Phil says now, he basically raised himself.

So why didn't he derail, like so many people would, and spend his life victimized and immobilized by his past? "That was not an option," McGraw says. Each afternoon, nearly seven million Americans tune in to "Dr. Phil" to watch him give his guests a dose of the no-whining advice he once gave himself. McGraw's motto -- "Get real" -- comes from having lived through his own ugly times, and having made himself better for it.

McGraw earned his doctorate in clinical psychology in 1979 and went into private practice in Wichita Falls, Texas. He eventually became a litigation consultant, and in 1996 was called in by Oprah Winfrey's attorneys for help in a lawsuit filed by a group of Texas cattlemen over comments she'd made about mad cow disease. After she won the case, Winfrey invited McGraw to share his problem-solving tips with her viewers, and soon he had his very own audience -- and show.

He refers to himself unconvincingly as a "reformed workaholic." Author of 10 bestselling books, McGraw and Robin, his wife of 28 years, live in Los Angeles with their sons, Jay, 25, also a talk-show host and author, and Jordan, 18, who will start Southern Methodist University in the fall.

RD: You had a traumatic childhood. How did it shape who you've become?
McGraw: My mother was and is so loving, but she had to work all the time. I had an alcoholic father -- basically a binge drinker. I had sisters who married in high school to escape, and I just had absolutely no leadership whatsoever. A lot of what I ultimately defined myself to be was a reaction against that. My dad was beaten and abused by his mother all through his childhood. She was a mean, vicious woman. I knew what he grew up with and why he was so embittered, but it doesn't make it any easier to live with.

RD: Especially when you're a child.
McGraw: He was never abusive with me or my sisters. He drank to escape. We were living in Denver when I was in the fourth, fifth and sixth grades. He was a tool pusher essentially, sold drill bits to oil-drilling companies. He entertained the drillers, the buyers, constantly.

So he was out every night, drinking. It got so bad that he either quit or got fired -- as a kid you never know. All of a sudden, we were out of a job. He said, "I'm going to go back to get my PhD in psychology." He was admitted to the University of Oklahoma, so we moved to Oklahoma City. For that period of time, he didn't drink at all. He just quit.

RD: You must have respected that.
McGraw: I did, but it came with a price because when he was drinking, we had jobs and money. When he quit, we traded alcoholism for being dirt-poor. We lived with my older sister, who was married and had an 1,100-square-foot house. We threw paper routes for a living. We had one 52 miles long. I did that one in a car with my dad every morning at 4:30 or 5, and every afternoon I had a paper route that I threw off my bike. It wasn't my allowance. That was our food money. When it came time to collect for the paper, you'd go get $1.15 for that month. If you didn't come home with the money, you didn't eat. Even at 12 I understood the reality of "you don't work, you don't eat." It was that simple. That's why now I'm so accountable and so results-oriented.

RD: What happened when your dad finished the PhD program?
McGraw: He had to go to Kansas City for his internship. We couldn't afford to take the family, but he said, "My son needs to be with his dad." So off we went. We lived in an apartment with no utilities, right near the high school.

RD: Was he drinking then?
McGraw: As soon as he got a real job, he started again. He had every Wednesday afternoon off, and every Thursday morning I would have to go find the car. He'd go off and get drunk and leave the car and come home in a cab. I'd have to get receipts out of his pocket and go downtown and find the car. I'm only 15. I don't even have a driver's license, but I'm down there, finding the car and driving through rush hour to get home.

RD: One of the ways you built up your self-esteem was through sports.
McGraw: That gave me a place to distinguish myself. I was very team-oriented, and I took pride in doing well. I was also an angry kid, and it was an outlet for the anger. It was entertainment for the family too. They really looked forward to those games.

RD: So you began to realize that if you take action, things happen.
McGraw: I saw my sisters making certain decisions, and I said, "I'm not going to do that." I'd see my dad drink, and I'd say, "I don't want to see myself in that condition." I said, "I'm going to choose different things." They weren't all good choices.

RD: What was a bad choice for you?
McGraw: My friends were not the best citizens. At 13, 14 years old, we were racing cars, prowling around all night. They'd steal the family car and off we'd go joyriding at 120 mph.

RD: Did you reconcile with your dad before he died?
McGraw: Absolutely. My dad is an enigma, to be sure. In his later life he quit drinking again. In his late 60s, he went back to school to study theology so he could preach and teach. We were there at his graduation. He died at 69. If he was drinking, I just couldn't be around him, and if he wasn't, we got along just fine.

RD: You've talked about finding meaning in suffering. What do you mean by that?
McGraw: Everybody at some point is going to have adversity. I think if we don't learn from that, then it was just a penalty. But if you use it, then it becomes tuition. I draw a lot on my personal experiences. It's hard for people to con me, because I'm a pretty street-smart guy. Some husband comes on my show and tries to tell me he's not really a workaholic? I say, "You're talking to one. I've been there."

RD: Are there families who come on your show but whom you feel you just can't help?
McGraw: I've never been under the misapprehension that I'm doing eight-minute cures on television. But I think that 50 percent of the solution to any problem lies in defining it first. I can be an emotional compass that points them down the path, but the real work will start when they walk off the stage.

RD: What inspired you to write your weight-loss book?
McGraw: Obesity has absolutely ravaged my family. I lost my father probably 10 years early because of complications with obesity. I have two nephews who are over 500 pounds. I have a sister who's 300 pounds. I have aunts who are 350, 375. My whole family -- I've watched them become so infirm they dropped out of life. And I have issues with blood sugar that caused me to adopt a certain lifestyle. Probably 300 days a year, I work out twice a day. It's really important to me and my family.

RD: I understand you and Robin and your two sons are an incredibly tight-knit family. What would you say is the greatest value system that you, the McGraws, have? What runs you guys?
McGraw: It may sound trite, but it's really family first. Our family and its priorities, needs, values, come before everything else -- work, recreation, whatever. When I say family first, that means marriage also, because our belief has always been that one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a good marriage between their mom and dad, so they don't wind up living in an emotionally barren environment or a divorce situation.

I've often said that when kids show up, it's awful easy to stop being friends and lovers and start being moms and dads, and we never made that mistake. While Robin was pregnant the first time, we talked about it and committed -- we're not going to allow children to get in the way of that.

RD: You've said that parents need to be "actively present." What does that mean?
McGraw: You have to sit down and say, "How do we define success?" If you haven't asked yourself that question and you don't have a good measurable answer, then I think you're missing the point. We have sat down and talked about what would be an absolute home run for the McGraw family at 10 years, 15 years, 20 years.

RD: What's an example of a home run for your family?
McGraw: First off that your family is a soft place to fall for everybody in it -- that each child and the mother and father knows inside those four walls "I'm accepted. I'm loved. And I give that to everybody else." Then you have to say, "Do I do that on a day-to-day basis? Do I really, no kidding, make my children feel they're safe and secure and valued and welcomed?"

RD: What if you're both working and have only X amount of time?
McGraw: It's how you spend the time you have. But, frankly, you have to make sacrifices. If you're a double-income family because you want to live in a nice house and drive nice cars, you need to revisit that. I'll promise you, in the long run you or your kids will be happier living in a house half the size, driving 10-year-old cars, if you have time to attend all their school programs or help with homework.

RD: What if you just don't have that option?
McGraw: Then you have to have some strategies to maximize the time you have. Single parents need to be really good delegators. From the time children are two, four or five, they need to be contributing to running the house -- pick up their toys, help with dishes, take out the trash -- so it's not a constant task-management situation where Mom's either working at work or working at home. We can do these things together, so a) you're sharing time, and b) they get done quicker and you're left to say, "Now, let's go to the park." You want to do something where you have to engage the children.

RD: How do you feel you've succeeded as a parent?
McGraw: Our approach was that if Robin and I fell off the world tomorrow, would our boys be equipped to manage their lives, would they have the values, work ethic and goals-management skills they needed to go forward? I think they would. You know, last Christmas, Jordan asked me what I wanted, and I said, "Two hours a week, you and me, my agenda." He has not missed once.

RD: Good for you.
McGraw: His nickname is Peteski, and he comes and says, "Peteski time?" My agenda is to just sit down and talk, because he's heading off to college. We've talked about drinking. We've talked about life management. We've looked at "When you get to school, we need to create your support system."

RD: Is there a part of your life where you could use a Dr. Phil?
McGraw: I have my wife. Robin keeps me pretty much in line. She is a great checkpoint for me, and she is one of the strongest, most intelligent and self-directed people I know. Robin is my Dr. Phil.