Getting Unstuck

One of the things I have to get back to doing is "to risk."

I have been under enormous (enormous? probably the right word, but my ego or voice inside my head, I cannot tell which one it is talking to me) pressure over the past year and a half. Separation, loss of job, looking for job, stock market, economy, new job, divorce proceedings, custody proceedings, money going out the door for lawyers, wife attacking, my brain working overtime, child going thru puberty, etc. all adding to the pressure.

So, in order to "control" the pressure I have not been "risking" or "being out there on the high wire" at work as I probably could be. Or is it "should be." I know about the "should thing." But maybe there is a "should" every now and then. Maybe I am working just enough. And maybe working "just enough" is perfectly fine.

I am not sure.

This is the dilemma. Am I stuck? Am I afraid to reconnect with old business acquaintances because of the fear of rejection?

HELLO??

As I am writing this the thought comes to mind: What if they don't return my call? The ANSWER: So what? What will happen if they don't? Nothing. Except an ego bruise. AND the possibility of the ego taking control and making me feel "less than." Hmmmm.

Am I really "risking?"

Bite sized chunks.
I know to get around the "stuck" thing is to make a list. Break down the thing I need or should or must do, into smaller, bite sized chunks, on a piece of paper. Then schedule time on my calendar to do them. And then, . . . , JUST DO IT (them).

OK. Got it.

This is where I am this morning.

Also. I "attached" to something at work yesterday. And then when I "confronted" another manager, he started Bullshitting me, about how it's going to be better in the future. I told him I cannot wait and that the future is now. I told him, and I did it in the old way, that he cannot give me this crap about how good it's going to be. I don't think he ever was confronted before.

Why did I have to go and attack his bullshit? Why couldn't I have just adjusted and worked it out more indirectly? Which is the right way to go? I am never sure. I know; say what you mean, but don't say it meanly.

I said what I meant. I think it could have been interpreted as being mean. Now I fret, that he will tell others I am "explosive." I was not mind you - but I did tell him - not that he was full of shit, but he knew he could no longer ever bullshit me, just by my taking his words and tossing them into the garbage heap as "unmeaningful."

OK. How do I recover from this one? Apologize? Let it go? Or is it my head again that is causing me to worry about this? I am having difficulty with the balance.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow in Al-Anon is non-existent in the sense that I have my head in the future and what "will" happen or what "might" happen.

In today's reading from Courage to Change it talks of tomorrow. The opening line is;

"When we talk of tomorrow," says a Chinese proverb, "the gods laugh." They laugh not because they find us ridiculous, but because they know the future is not predictable. Thus, we have no choice but to live "One day at a time."

I can make plans, but I cannot determine the results.


This is me. It was me in a big way. I spent all my hours - and I am not exaggerating here - living in the future. When I was on vacation, I would work, worrying about next week when I got back. When I was in the water at the beach very rarely did I just enjoy it - except when body surfing - where I had to be conscious - but I can look back and still remember thinking about "later" or "what I need to do" and "how I need to make sure everyone was in the car ready to go for dinner."

Is this true? Or is my brain just saying this?

I can remember - telling a colleague - that when driving from a client's office I would often - always - visualize myself coming into my building - literally opening the door of the building by pulling it open and then walking down the hall - thinking about who I might run into - people who worked for me and anticipating what issues they may bring to me and then getting into my office and working down my "to do" list.

I was proud of that fact of my ability to visualize.

Here in Al-Anon it really is a program of focusing on the NOW. I never would have heard this - if it wasn't for Eckard Tolle's books on the subject. As soon as I read (no studied it) I started hearing about the "Now" in Al-Anon. It was all over the place. What a rip-off! You can join Al-Anon and get this information for free and make it part of your being instead of going to these self-help seminars on the "Power of Now." Not really a rip-off. Just making a point about this program and how deep and rich it can be if you work it and it will work you.

You get just what you need . . . and I (you) can leave the rest.

Oh yes. One more - important thing.

Al-Anon seems to be somewhat of a contradiction. I will say it is Not - because I am defending it. But to the "untrained eye" - it may be. As we don't bring in religions you will find quotes from various religious beliefs.

Today's quote for example is a good one. But it is from the Bible.

"Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself."

Interesting. And, I wonder if they had semi-colons back in the day.

There is tomorrow. I just need to do the footwork today. Cannot make the future occur the way I wish it would.

Peace this Sunday.

Everytime - I Get What I Need

One of the miracles in Al-Anon is, I seem to always get what I need at a meeting.

I read the daily reading in our meeting at the noon group meeting this past Wednesday, May 13. It's part of the format of this group to read the Steps, Traditions, Concepts and Warranties as well as the daily reading from any of the 3 daily readers.

So, as I read this passage, I was saying, "Damn. Just what I need. A - friggin' - gain." To myself mind you, as I don't let random thoughts pop out of my head and disrupt the flow of the meeting!

Recently - over the past few years - I have been - God I hate to admit this - reluctant to make decisions and reluctant to confront people. This is very recent, as I was a confronter. I am now afraid to open certain emails - as I "just know" they are going to be zingers (usually from my wife and the people I am renting this house I am now in).

The reading struck me. It was just what I needed, as I am touched or haunted with "dread" on certain aspects of my life. I have been burned before and therefore a little indecisive. Here is the passage from Courage to Change May 13 that struck me and was just what I needed;

For a time I avoided making decisions because I was sure that there was some "magical" right choice that would get me what I wanted, yet I never seemed to know what that choice was. I waited until the last minute to decide and never felt good about my choices. Today I know that choosing not to decide is to decide.

It can be very liberating to make a decision. Once the decision is made, I can trust that the consequences will unfold as they should. With a slight change in attitude, perhaps I can await them with excitement and hope rather than fear and dread.

This is where I am today. When I make a decision or I am waiting for a response or I get the response (the email or call from my soon-to-be-ex or maybe someday-ex), I have this fear and dread feeling come over me.

I have not been to as many meetings as I would like. I am so busy at work and was so busy preparing for divorce. And so busy trying to regain my personal life. And so busy trying to stay in shape. And so busy . . .

I am forgetting being centered. My centering is the most important thing in this list. It affects everything else.

The meeting was just what I needed. This passage hit me in head. It had the two words "fear" and "dread" -

Also - by the way - the word "consequences" above has typically a negative connotation to some. But it is not the true definition of the word. Consequences are just results of actions -neither positive or negative. I know, I looked the word up many years ago, and unless they changed the definition this is correct. Why are you typing this by the way Joseph? Well in your need to help (read control) others, you want them to understand the word in the passage. Also, are you trying to help (control)? And show (control) you are smart? Man, I read control all the way through this.

Just In - Decisions & Taking Action

On Decisions and Taking Action. "Just In" - Just in is a News Flash. A type of reminder. It is always helpful to me to be reminded of the "obvious."

From "A Strategy for Success" by Ari Kiev. From the Chapter "The Mastery of Stress." This is on "Goal Selection." But I think it is appropriate for just living. Here is the little passage;

"To reduce indecision, try concentrating on what you prefer to do rather than what you believe you should do. This will speed action. Maturity lies in accepting reality, not in demanding its perfection. You are not perfect. Your life is not perfect. No day is perfect."

Here is a poem I read and think about. I heard it from a Canadian - now a US citizen - named Brian Tracy.

The third - is it "stanza?" - or "verse?" - is less known.

I have this somewhat memorized - especially the second verse, beginning with - "Life is queer with it's twists and turns . . ." This rings true for me. It reminds me that things that seem bad now - are not really bad in the long run. In fact, they turn out to be good.

The poem has gotten me through some tough parts of life. I opened up on of my repeatable journals - books where I copy text and make notes of certain books I like and reread them - and saw this poem this morning.

It made me feel good. Read this, print it out and post it on your refrigerator or in your journal. I think you may be able to use this.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As everyone of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up, though the pace seems slow -

You might succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man,

Often the struggler has given up

When he might have captured the victor's cup.

And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out

- The silver tint of the clouds of doubt -

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -

It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

- Author Unknown -

Random Thoughts

Random Thoughts are being posted here today. I decided a while ago that sometimes statements without explanation may be a good way to get and achieve serenity.

Here are some random thoughts and statements I have pulled from one of the books I am reading - that I believe can be aligned to Step 1 - Being Powerless and Unmanageable.

Here they are;

• Don't minimize preparation or the importance of believing in your abilities. Lack of faith in yourself, manifested by the inclination to minimize your abilities, accounts for the difference between capability and performance.
• By relaxing and controlling nothing but yourself, you can deal with the most complex situations.
• Problems arise when you seek specific results by trying to control and manipulate others.
• Thoughts precede events. In fact, events are panted in advance in thoughts.
• Explaining circumstances as results of your own thoughts, rather than saying they are due to fate or outside forces, reduces dependency and gives you options to change your life.
• To overcome difficulties, you need only concentrate in what you have done that may have brought about specific events.
• Only effort will increase your strength and awareness of your potential. In time, you may realize that your impact on the world often derives not from what you do but from what you don't do.
• You maximize your capacity to influence the world around you by gaining awareness and control of your automatic responses to the demands of others.. By delaying your responses, you can consciously decide how you will act. Action, not reaction, becomes the secret of success.
• Concentrate on the resources you have, not on what you don't have or lack, in order to develop your potential and talents.
• Learn to trust your intuition and follow you hunches.
• Only you hold and have the answer to the meaning of your life. You need not seek solutions from others in matters where you and only you may have the answer.
• Don't assume others have better qualifications to determine your objectives.
• Study and preparation helps you by making you more aware of what is happening and how you are consciously and unconsciously perceive the world.

Have a great day and peace to you today.

Increasing Our Dependence On Others

Dependence, Self-Reliance, Opinions of others, Focusing outside ourselves

In my recovery, looking back, I have seen how I increasingly depended upon others opinions and feelings about issues, and frankly about me. I fell into a trap. I was stuck. I did not know what to do.

Now, here comes my ego. I am - not a dependent person - as I say this (write this) - I wonder if this is really true. In my business life, I have run consulting organizations with 300 and 400 people nationally. BFD! BTW. (translated - it is BIG F Deal, by the way).

I write this only because I see how this disease has tricked me into thinking "I am less than." Hell - f' n - O. Is anyone home? My head went into overdrive, into thinking "I was wrong." My perceptions were right - but because the disease is so strong - I lost confidence to trust myself. So, I sought out the opinions of others - or worse - I worried about what others thought of me. My self-confidence was at an all time low.

Now, I am regaining ground.

With this disease, I want to write about what I read this morning. It comes from Ari Kiev - and it is not about alcoholism and its effects. But it is about dependence and self-reliance.

"The increase population and an apparent scarcity of the jobs, residences and rewards, which creates a vicious cycle of increasing dependence on the opinions of others. Stop accepting the necessity of obtaining the things you feel you must have. Th moment you begin to live below your means or at a level where you can maintain control over your life without economic dependency and insecurity, that moment you gain personal freedom.

Don't discuss your decisions to change with anyone who has an inclination to resist change. He will prove insensitive to our desire. Even listening to the "experts" may weaken your courage to act. This would attest only to your suggestibility; it would not mean that your original decision was invalid. Sounding out others for reassurance does not eliminate anxiety of decision-making. In fact, if you discuss crucial matter with unqualified people, you may create more anxiety and confusion for yourself. You have added their uncertainty to your own."

Interesting thought for me this morning. With alcoholism, I was more uncertain. Well-meaning people gave me advice. They gave me looks too, - that I interpreted as positive or negative and this made me more uncertain.

And now with the economy a little crazy right now, it is easy for us (me) to become more worried and more uncertain.

I need to remember:
Focus on myself
Control what I can control
Let go of what I cannot control
Turn over what I cannot to my Higher Power
And
Have Faith. Hope for today. Faith for tomorrow.

Accept the Day

Accept the Day. Al-Anon teaches us to "accept" things - people, events, situations, etc. Accept to me means - don't resist and fight with what is. While I am tired of hearing the saying, "It is what it is." there is a lot of truth in it.

Accept the moment if it is bad. Don't react. Observe. Observe the issue - the situation, as if you are an unaffected bystander. Cultivate the attitude of; "Isn't this interesting?" Or, "I wonder what this is meant to teach me." Observe and stand back. You may see the meaning of detachment here. You are not the situation. You are not less than if you sense you are being verbally attacked. You are who you are and you are WHOLE, COMPLETE and PERFECT.

Many people want to say they are not perfect. But I say you are. Listen to your inner voice when you say "I am perfect." The voice may laugh or it may say, "No you're not." But you are!

Remember this - there is a creator of infinite intelligence - a Higher Power - or God - if you prefer - AND he/she made you as perfect. What he/she gave you, was supreme rein over your actions.

Based upon this truth - you are perfect - what you may do is NOT always perfect. Give up the fact that you have to do everything perfectly. Perfectly doing is an evaluation or judgment of the action or activity.

Just release and accept.

Maturity in this program or in life is not about doing something perfectly. It lies in accepting reality. Not wishing or hoping. Just accept where you are. And realize you can move from where you are to another spot - another new reality over time. And you have the will to decide what spot you want to move to. Where you decide - and that is key - you decide - may not be perfect based upon others' opinion of reality or their beliefs. But it is up to YOU! You decide!

What you may do is not perfect - whatever perfect is. Accept this when something goes less than what we expected or desired. Laugh at this when you do something you may be embarrassed about. Realize this too, what everyone else does is not perfect either. Behind the closed doors of a bank President may shock you. Behind the mask your boss wears to work may reveal his foibles or lack of confidence. It doesn't matter what their weaknesses are - except that realize we are all struggling and have our doubts and fears and that this is just part of life. Accept this. Accept the day and just say "I am going to do my best." That's it. Not "It's going to be perfect." For what is "perfect?"

Listen to your heart, feel your emotions, understand your reactions to events, and realize - that this just is. Listening to your feelings and reactions can reveal more about yourself and what perhaps you are not accepting, which may allow you to release whatever imperfection you have or belief you feel you need to live up to.

This "accepting" may help you understand what false beliefs you have accepted as true about you and the world, that are in truth, making you feel guilty, feel ignorant, or holding you back.

Accept - listen - and allow the truth to revealed to you about certain situations and just observe today.

Let Go

Yesterday at an Al-Anon meeting, we talked about "Letting Go." There was a lot of great discussion about how we become "mired" (my word) in the past.

After some reflection and a little reading I came up with a couple of more thoughts. Hopefully these thoughts are a lot more clear than the thoughts I threw out at the meeting.

We all have old habits and old thoughts that are not working for us. They have become so ingrained in us, that they are automatic - like a reflex. First we have to recognize that thought pattern. Once we recognize it, stay in touch with it and see where it pops up during the course of the day. See what triggers this thought. Is is a response to some accusation (real or imagined)? Is is fear? Is it a reaction to a form of anger or non-acceptance?

Typically, we lock onto a belief. We discard other beliefs (usually from other people) that may contradict our belief, which allows us to be "right" - rather than "accurate." There is a huge difference in being right versus being accurate. Right is the ego wanting not to be destroyed. Being accurate is what really is . . . as much as that is possible.

I must examine my thoughts objectively - to see which ones support me in where I want to go, and what I want to become. And discard the ones that are holding me in my older self.

A Sick Cycle of Dependency

Being dependent on others almost comes natural when we are in a state of confusion. We seek others opinions, beliefs, and advice. What others say, if we place them in a position of authority, becomes "The Word." Unfortunately, the advice and opinion of the other person, is really a form of "approval" that we seek. The "approval" we seek is not healthy for the relationship. It forms a relationship of "one up and one down" (someone higher or a "step above" us).

Doing Too Much To Cover Up Our Needs
Unfortunately, no one can really give you advice as a prescription to your situation. Because no one really knows you, and knows ALL your history, and you ENTIRE situation. But because of alcoholism or in fact, anything that may be creating a huge amount of anxiety, can place us in a state of confusion.

So, instead of quieting our minds, seeking guidance from our inner strengths, and just listening, we tend to do the opposite. We run around keeping ourselves busy. We do for others. We then do more for others. We then do even more. We avoid and bury our feelings and we don't confront the fact that we are "stuck" or "have to make a decision." It becomes a way to procrastinate and avoid unpleasant situations.

Our "doing" becomes extreme - after awhile. We get so caught up in doing that we exhaust ourselves. Our "doing" is a way of avoiding an unpleasant situation at first. We then make the doing a habit. This doing mistakenly becomes a way in which we seek approval and validation from others instead of from ourselves.

By doing for everyone else, we set ourselves up for failure. We are in such a state of turmoil, we begin to believe our self-worth is relative to the amount we do for others AND we seek their approbation (approval). When we don't receive their approbation, we do more AND / or we feel "unworthy" or we feel "insignificant."

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A Note About Children
I need to emphasize here that I am not saying, don't help our children. But I am also saying, don't not expect children to help out and do for themselves what they should be doing. When we do for our children what they should and could be doing and ought to be doing, we actually ROB them of their ability to GROW up to become fully functional adults.

We have 21-year-olds in this society of ours who EXPECT to be given things. And when they don't get, they sulk. We have 40-year-olds who are also the same way. Often, these are our alcoholic relatives of whom nothing has been expected, and therefore they return exactly that.
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Seeking Approval By Seeking Advice
We then go to others for outside advice - on how we could be better at what we are doing. And unfortunately, the people who we are doing for, the people we are running around for - are the same people we go to for advice!!

And because we have set ourselves up in a relationship where we are "not as important" as the other person, their advice really is a form of approval - a form of acceptance - a form of validation - that we feel we need to have.

Does that make sense what I have written? Stop and think here for just a second and reflect on this.

The same people who we are doing for, supporting and doing what they should be doing for themselves, we wind up wanting their approval and validation. When we don't get it, often we seek their advice. This advice may not come in the form of advice or at least good advice, it may come in the form of criticism. Some may call it "constructive criticism" in order to put a veil on it.

We start by asking them, "Tell me what I should be doing?" Or "How can I do this better?" Or "I want to help. Tell me what would make you happy?" And of course we never make them happy.

Just think about that for a while today. Isn't this sick?

Realize this fact. Advice is everywhere, most of it is free and not worth the price. When we don't get their "advice" or their "approval" we are creating a cycle of dependency. It is a sick cycle.

Start by Stopping
The best place to start - to help you and get you on the right track, is to stop doing for others, and start taking time out for yourself.

Stop seeking the approbation of others. You don't need it. You are already a worthwhile person. You ARE good. You ARE strong. YOU ARE GREAT.

Remember, you are great. It's only WHAT you may be DOING, that may not be so hot. In this case, when youare doing only because you are seeking the approval of others, this is not such a great idea. When you know you are OKAY (a good and worthwhile person), you will tend to see yourself and your actions differently.

Reflect on your actions. Start by asking yourself - "Is this something I should be doing? Or is this something others could and should be doing?" And ask yourself, "Am I doing this (or asking this questions or advice) in order to seek the approval and validation of my worth from this person?" The purpose of these questions is not to have you stop doing these things, it is to get you to understand why you are doing them, and then decide if this is something you want to take on.

Take Time Out By Doing Nothing (or the Opposite)
Sometimes, the best thing to do is - NOTHING. It is the opposite of what our lives have been for months and years. The idea of doing NOTHING is so foreign that it is impossible for some of us to grasp.

Doing nothing is not what you may think. Doing nothing doesn't necessarily mean going to the beach and sitting there and watching the waves come in. Although, it could!!!

To me it means, stopping what I am doing and doing something for ME.

• It may mean getting up at 4:30AM and reading spiritual books, leadership books, or something positive.
• It means to me, now, finding an Al-Anon meeting and sitting there, breathing deeply and listening. Al-Anon has become a source of quieting my mind.
• It means to me, going running in the middle of the day.
• It means to me, that when in a business meeting, I do not need to take over and lead the discussion. It may mean I sit in the meeting, taking notes, and reflecting and watching, and seeing that things turn out the way I would have it turn out anyway.
• It means to me, taking timeout to do something with my daughter, that I wouldn't do, because I am too busy to do that at that moment.
• To me, doing nothing, may mean meditating. Or taking a nap.

It could mean to you, the above or something else. But doing nothing - can be - doing just the opposite of what you "normally" would do, but most of all, doing nothing and doing the opposite is a "focus on yourself" and not someone else.

This post, started off on the topic of being dependent and seeking the advice of others. I am suggesting that we slow down, and start thinking about who we are and what we are doing. And ultimately stop doing so much for others and start doing for ourselves. And accept ourselves as worthy and worthwhile individuals.

Today - Focus Only On Solutions

As people who are living with alcoholism, Al-Anon is a great tool to help us. Without the help we think about Problems more than Solutions. Worry and Fear becomes pervasive. Anger and Frustration become more friends than Laughter and Smiling.

For us in recovery, one of the things we could and should do is change old behaviors and habit patterns, that aren't working.

Change begins with recognizing a behavior pattern you have made a habit. In fact, with us in recovery, it is a deep seated behavior. Recognition of a destructive habit or habit supporting us in a direction we want to not go in, is the first step to change. The desire and the will to change is the second, critical step.

We are Programmed to Think About Problems
We are "problem dwelling creatures." We go to bed watching TV. What does TV have on it? Problems. We go to bed thinking about our work problems, personal problems, the weather, gas, etc. This makes us worry at night. And when we wake up in the morning, the first thing we do is think about our problems again.

Here are five things you can do to build your solution mindset:

1. Make the Committment to Change. Today and tomorrow, and for the rest of the week, I will no longer go to bed thinking about my problems. Today, tomorrow and for the rest of the week, I will wake up thinking about solutions. I will focus on what I can do.
2. Get (buy) a spiral bound notebook. When we think problems, write the problem down. Get it out of your head and on to paper.
3. Ask yourself; Is it a big problem? Is it an important problem? Is it one problem? Or is it a series of problems? Should I solve this problem? Right now? And it so, what should I do? What are my options to bring about solutions? Write all these down.
4. Then do one of the things on the list toward solving your problem. Work on it to completion. Then do another item on the list. If there is something on the list you cannot do, give it to God or your HP. I cannot believe I just wrote that. But I have found it does work. Give it to your HP to worry about. He's up all night anyway. He might as well have something to work on. So let him worry it to death. Pass it to him. He's OK with delegation.
5. Keep that notebook wherever you go. Anything pops up. Write it down. When you start "completing your problems" by getting to a solution, you can look back at your notebook and go, "Wow. I thought I would never get past that one." This is a great motivator and mind booster, which reminds you whatever is a challenge today, then, "this too shall pass."

So, focus only on solutions from now on. I know this is hard. Just look at my rollercoaster posts. I am "up" in three of them, and "down" two (sometimes four - but who's counting?).

Whatever our problems, we shall prevail!

Finis.

PS - More to come. But let's work on this one this week.

Getting Unstuck - Part 632

Lessons Learned: Getting Unstuck. Making a Decision. How to move forward. What to do when not in a crisis.

Let's start out with a question. You will see the meaning of this at the end of the post.
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Your house is on fire. You have the following choices;
1. Put it out yourself
2. Get out of the house yourself
3. Get the dog and child (or children) out first
4. Call the fire department
5. Put on your make-up/best clothes in case of Paparazzi
6. Get your best stuff you've accumulated and chuck it out the window

Hmmm.

I made up this psychological-therapy question myself. So if my therapist is reading this, this will cost you. My rates are rather high. In fact, you may need to see my rates before you consider borrowing this question.

What I would do. Easy. Get the child and dog out. No question.

If the fire was small, my answer would be the same, with exceptions;
1. I would try to put the fire out (I would go back in after the children and dog were out) and
2. Chuck stuff out the window that I thought was cool/or that I needed

My wife. She would;
1. Get out herself (choosing #2). No question.
2. She might remember to go back into the house and get the dog and child.


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Getting Unstuck
It's interesting, that Al-Anon has cost me virtually nothing in money. And I have learned so much for free here.

Last night we had a Men's Meeting. And I had a two hour session with my therapist (coach/counselor/teacher/shaman/spiritual guide).

The Men's Al-Anon Meeting was after the therapy session.
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As a side note: I called her my Sherpa yesterday. I meant no harm. I really meant Shaman. Then I looked up the definition this morning:

Shamans have the ability to;
1.) diagnose and cure human suffering and,
2.) in some societies, the ability to cause suffering.

[On another side note: I felt like yesterday we spent too much of my time and money on #2. My human suffering by the way.]

Where as; a Sherpa is defined as someone who carries loads at high altitudes.

Now I am confused. I think she is carrying my heavy load and we are traveling at high altitudes, somewhat spiritually. So, I think both terms are appropriate.
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OK - Back to Reality (or at least this post).
With the therapist, I spent most of the time venting (again). I took control of the meeting (I know you are reading this and thinking, ah, there's that control word and the thought you took control of the meeting is something else we will have to explore). I need for her to work on me or I am going to have a huge bill and not much but venting to show for it.

I also need to shut up and stop venting about my wife's non-recovery.

Who's Problem Is It?
At Al-Anon, what I learned about my wife's recovery and/or drinking, is that it is not my problem.

The Men's Al-Anon Meeting
At the men's meeting we talked about getting help by asking for it. I spoke when it was my turn. I spoke on how I got help for my daughter's schooling. It was slow going at first. And then three weeks later, trudging along through pools of peanut butter, things started to occur. The school had an after-hours program coming up. A neighbor helped me by asking a friend if her 12th grade daugher could teach my daugher. My daughter's school teacher asked around and got the name of a friend at school who was looking for part time work.

Asking for help does work. I am grateful for learning this. For I was stuck. And that is the topic of this post.

I am also grateful for being able to "unburden" my load at Al-Anon. The people there have been there, done that and they can immediately relate.

Getting Unstuck
When the house is on fire, that's a crisis. Everyone knows what to do. Get out. Now everyone may have a different order of things to do, like get dressed - if sleeping and the fire is not roaring and get some stuff out.

But even if the fire is roaring, I would knock down walls to get my daughter out.

In fact, and I am a little tired of hearing this analogy of when you are in a plane, and the plane depressurizes, and the oxygen masks fall down, you are supposed to put it on yourself first and then help your children.

The metaphor/analogy, is you have to get well first before you help someone else. But in this scenario, I would probably put the oxygen mask on her first. While I type this, I know this is stupid talk. But it's true.

So, in a crisis, we are not stuck.
In a crisis, you can see clearly your priorities. What is important to you. So you are not stuck.

But when not in a crisis, it is easy to become stuck. There's a big long task in front of us. Or a lot of pain. And we have to work through it to get to the end of it. The problem with this kind of "slow boil crisis" - as I call it - is that there is no sense of urgency. There is no prioritization. There are no "steps to take" or actions to perform. And there is no fire department to call.

Reread that paragraph again before proceeding forward.

Did You Really Reread it?
In a slow-boil-crisis, we are simmering. I will not use the boiling frog analogy. (Oh yes I will, just did).

Do you see what happens in a real urgent crisis reader? Do you see what doesn't happen in a slow-boil-crisis?

No?

OK.

In a crisis, like a house on fire, we have the following things we have pre-thought or thought through:

1. An escape route.
2. What we would do: Who we would get out. What article of clothing we would like to save or jewelry. Or cars to back out of the house. (you have too thought about this admit it)
3. Calling someone. Who's house we would run to and the fire department to call.
4. We even have fire extinguishers.
5. We have a sense of urgency - "Get out" is the call.
6. All of the above has a "decision tree" based on the size of the fire and where the fire is in the house.
7. We take action!

But what if there is no fire? What if you are in a "slow boil" crisis?
This is where we get stuck. The slow boil crisis is one where we don't have to do anything. We accept it. We become complacent. We hope it will go away. We have no sense of urgency. We sweep it under the rug.

But we know it won't go away. Really, in our heart of hearts, we know there is a problem we are not dealing with.

In a slow-boil-crisis, we don't take action. Until our hair is on fire. And then, we try to put it out with an ax.

So, what do we need to do? Here are several actions to make;
1. Define the problem clearly. Think of this huge problem we have. It can be any problem, actually. But defining it as accurately as you can will help you.
2. Think on paper. Do not use the laptop. Do not allow it to swirl in your head. Get it on paper. Think on paper. Define the problem clearly on paper. Define everything on paper. There is magic between the pen, hand, arm and brain.
3. Chunk the problem. Salami slice the problem. Chunk the problem up into rational parts. Some parts are separate problems, that are not really related to the problem or are separate problems to be dealt with later.
4. Prioritize the issues. Which one is more important? Then, ask, which ones can we solve now? Prioritize problems/issues and potential solutions. (again, on paper)
5. Focus on Yourself. What are all the things we can possibly do to help ourselves?
6. Have "experts" to call. Like the fire department, you have to call in help. In an emotional crisis, you have to seek outside guidance. Al-Anon has people who have your same issue so they understand. Get a sponsor. Or a therapist. If not related to alcohol and it's related to work, get a mentor. Ask someone to be your coach when you are having and facing problems at work. It can be someone in the office or outside your office (choose someone wise and not someone who will coddle you).
7. Create a sense of urgency. Create a list of things to do. But time bound each activity on the list. And stick to the dates of WHEN you are going to get each action done.
8. Take action. Take action. Take action. Even if it is a phone call, make it. If it is a walk or jog you have to tale at noon instead of eating lunch, do it. Like Nike says, Just Do It!
9. Don't get hung up on perfect. Perfect is not your friend. Know that less than 50% of any decision is right the first time. What people do is they correct the decision they made or adjust it as they receive feedback from the decision activity. They "self-correct" and the decision becomes right over time and with adjustment.
10. Review your Plan. Review it often, once a day, once a week. And review it with your sponsor.

The Emotional Rollercoaster

So, you all saw yesterday's posts. A real nightmare of resentment and bitterness. I disdain those words, frankly, because I used to be in control of my emotions, now I feel like a ping pong ball.

Last night I got some peace after I went for a run and posted my last post.

I woke up this morning at 5:30AM, a little late, and after a small cup of coffee decided to go to the coffee house down the road to get out and study my Leadership books that I bought from Amazon.com. One is really interesting, it is called "Leader on the Couch." Written by a famous professor at Instead in France. Short story here, is that it talks about leaders and their internal thoughts and where they come from, and the behaviors of leaders in business and how the behaviors today are a product of the past, how people interpret the events around them and how their dominant emotions and belief affect their actions and communication styles.

All of this said, it is almost directly related to the Al-Anon literature to some degree. Except the book and this scholar is not dealing with alcoholism. Which is, an unpredictable variable, thrown in the mix of some predictability, creating havoc. Then, with our frustration, mine very evident yesterday, causing more havoc and leading to chaos.

So, things are in normal mode. Reading. Drinking coffee. It's 7:30AM. Then the phone call from my daughter. "Mommy is being mean." OK, under almost every single circumstance, I used to brush this off as a child's pitting mom vs dad thing. I used to get these calls before. But now I am much more, "vigilant" or "observing." So, I ask my wife what is happening. Wife says, "She is being sassy." I say, "What has she done?" Spouse says, "She won't turn off the TV." I say, "Why is she watching TV?" We made a rule, no TV before school. Wife was sitting daughter down in front of the TV every morning as a baby sitter. I stopped that because I noticed daughter became more lethargic/tired. This was BEFORE I knew there was a problem with alcohol abuse.

So, I asked, "What else?" Spouse says, "I took away her computer privileges, and cell phone (I bought daughter a cell phone, because sometimes mommy would not answer hers or wife would forget to pick daughter up from school - I was really against buying daughter a cell phone but had to due to circumstances). Wife continued, "Because she said to me, 'I am afraid that you will be drunk when you pick me up from school this afternoon.'"

I said to wife, "You can't take phone and computer away because of a fear or concern she has." With that the conversation ended by wife handing the phone to daughter. Daughter says, "Daddy please come home."

I go home. I try to reason with wife. I take daughter to school. Daughter says, "When are you and mommy getting a divorce? And get this over with?" I am sitting there in car pool line, not knowing what to say to a 10 year old.

I come back try to reason with wife. She is a 17 year old in an adult body. I say this to her. I shouldn't have. Wife corrects me, "I am about 20 now." Am I hearing this crazy conversation? We say a few more things. I was trying to be compassionate when I said, "I do feel sorry for you. You didn't ask for this. But we have to try to figure out how not to get our daughter in the middle." This is crazy for me to talk this way to my wife. I expect another adult to be there. I am missing a key ingredient in the family. I realize we are all sick. No adult wife. I have a young girl's brain in an adult body. And an adult trying to break out and trying to be an adult, but doesn't know what that looks like or how to behave like one.

I call my sponsor. We talk for an hour. He tells me a lot. My sponsor is a very wise man. He tells me just enough so I don't confuse myself. He says, "Step one. List out all the things you are powerless over that is impacting you. All of them. Then on the flip side of the paper, list out how they are making your life unmanageable. Don't think or write in terms of solutions. Just do this."

His listening to me has a calming affect on me. I think he needed my phone call too. His advice to me, was something he needed to hear for himself too. I sense this. He is a good man. He gives me something else. He says,
"Think of you and the alcoholic in the ocean. You both are drowning. You know if you have ever tried to save someone from drowning you can't unless you're a lifeguard. But you know they'll drown you too. So imagine this, and then the choppy waters. Imagine a lighthouse off on the shore. All you can do is swim toward that lighthouse. You have to save yourself and hope that the alcoholic will follow."

Smart man. I am swimming.

Now, therapist (remember I hate that word - so coach/counselor/mentor) calls up. She just got a cancellation we talk for one second. I grab the hour slot. I rush to the meeting/therapy session. We have a real meaningful session. I tell her my 90% and my 10%. This is where I am and where I am going. She does a "chair therapy" session during the last 5 minutes. I talk about the 10% and the 90%. Interesting what I revealed to myself.

I am such a nightmare. I have so much swirling around in my brain. I am hostage to my own thoughts. I need an outside intervention. And I get one. Two. Three today (Sponsor, Therapist, Al-Anon Meeting).

I am swimming toward the lighthouse.

I work Step one at 5PM. I will work it hard. I got to an Al-Anon Meeting with Men tonight.

Last note. EVERYONE's thoughts were excellent yesterday and I CANNOT EXPRESS MY APPRECIATION enough. Every one of you - I owe you. IF I could take everyone to dinner I would. No drinking though (said in fun but in truth).

See you all later

Resentments

This post is on resentments. At Al-Anon a wise person told a few of us, if you had to choose between guilt and resentment, always choose guilt. For, he said, resentment will eat you up.

Very wise. We, as spouses and parents of alcoholics are angry. We are bitter because we felt "betrayed." We are angry because we feel "decieved," "lied to" and no cause to believe the person, because the trust has been broken. Not just once, but day in and day out, for years.

What is worse I guess - is the fact that if we feel this way, how do our little innocent children feel? Link here to Letter to Children

How does someone who does not live in the shroud of alcohol understand the sickness of alcoholism and how it affects everyone's well being?

It's like a suffocating blanket of lies, told a little bit at a time. You believe the little lie. You uncover later that it was a lie. You ask about it later to your spouse. You get a perfect answer, "I never said that, I said this." It's a little twist on the truth. That little twist is believable. We believe because, we are married to someone we entrusted with our future. We gave and continue to give.

Yet we were beginning to sense something is wrong. But we could not quite figure it out. Something, some how, did not match up. Our brains start to go into overdrive, analyzing events, conversations, facial expressions, searching for what is it that is not making sense . . .

Then one day, after months, and years of the deception, we uncover that hidden bottles of wine or beer or alcohol. Hidden. A key word, hidden. Yet, now it makes sense. We were beginning to think we were crazy. All the conversations that we convoluted, twisted lies, making us [me] feel, well, "lost" in an unreal world.

The alcoholic is very good and falsifying the truth and twisting it ever so slightly as to make you/me/us feel like the bad guy. And they begin to tell others, "She is crazy." Or "He has an issue with _____." You name it. It's us, not him/her. And brother or sister, do we look bad. And feel bad.

How many of you been called a "control freak?"
How about a "MF asshole?"
How about a "loser?"
How about someone who has no future or has no friends?

With these criticisms, the alcoholic is in full rage, full bloom. Love of the alcohol, has caused her/him to protect his/her addiction. And one of the protective mechanisms is to be little the other person as to make them feel inept, crazy, and bad. She or he can kill you with a few words. And even a glance, once they have you in their "hooks."

But the worst of all, I believe, is the apathy. The apathy is; "I don't care about you, because you are meaningless and worth nothing." It is a look, an attitude, and cutting remark. And to make matters worse, in my case anyway, the alcoholic can turn the charm on, but with others, hiding behind the charm. And when you see the adoration she pays to another person, it is hard not to say, "Hey, what about me? How come you don't pay me that kind of attention?"

At least you say it to yourself. You see the chasm between how she treats others versus how she treats you and your child. It is the attitude of, "You are not important. The world and universe revolves around me. I will get to you when I feel like I can spare the time."

So far, am I right on target? I just want to know. In fact, I want others who may skim this blog one day, others who never understand what we are going to through to understand that living with an alcoholic, especially one that is so full of his or her self, or so mean, that it is like torture.

How do you feel? Am I close?

This post started off as resentment and the nice "giving it up" type of sentence and the wonderful quote. But at times, it is hard to "give it up." Especially when when you finally realize you weren't the bad guy after all. But you were made to feel bad.

So, I choose not to be resentful or even guilty. Because while resentment will eat your insides, guilt will break your confidence in half.

I am not resentful. I am not even angry. I am/or was - very hurt. My mask that I used to wear, was anger. Then it was bitterness. Now I am just tired. Surrendered. Given up. You win alcohol. You kicked my sorry ass for 15 years. And most of the 15 years, I didn't even know I was fighting alcohol. I was just kicked down on the ground my a little lady who could diss you with a glance. And ignore you like you were an endentured servant.

If I sound pissed, may be, but just for a second, but for a second long enough to fight any feelings of guilt and remorse about the future path in front of me. Because guilt is another weapon used to keep you in place.

That is my pain. I cannot stand to be treated like a "no one;" a "nobody." AND I shall never be treated that way again. Mark my words dear reader, I will never ever be knocked down by a condescending attitude, ever again.

So how do you feel? If you had to explain to someone off the street, what you are going through, have gone through, how would explain the dark cloud that you feel envelope you as you walk into the home raging with alcoholism? What scars do you bear?

Matching Childhood with Today

AA and Al-Anon - marriages? What if we are matching today, with what we learned growing up? What if we know that this is NOT what we are supposed to do, but cannot help it?

Are we attempting to match subconsciously to bring into existence what we learned as a child, when these were the height of our imprinting years?

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When I was younger, I used to wonder why some of the nicest and prettiest girls hung out/dated the jerks.

I now realize after some analysis and therapy, that we try to "match" ourselves with what we saw in the home. What we grew up with, in other words. The "matching" was what we knew, experienced, thought was "normal."

Somewhere, in the recesses of our minds we felt inadequate, undeserving, controlled, hurt, frightened - or whatever.

Think about this for a moment. This is a hard pill to swallow.

I did so much work on myself, but never with a therapist or with Al-Anon.

Digression
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I told my therapist I disliked the word "therapist." Of course she asked, "Why?" What a powerful word, this word "Why?" You have to answer. And every single time, you have to explain why. So simple. So revealing.

I said, "it was a word we laughed about in movies or TV shows for people who couldn't deal with reality." Now I am one. So she said, "Use the word, "coach," if it works better for you."

Great. That's another $130. As Robert Anthony said, "A therapist is an expensive friend."
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What if we get out of one relationship that is faulty, only to find ourselves looking for a person who matches our subconscious beliefs we grew up with. That is, we go back to the same type of person again?

My personal experience: I was dating two girls. This one was drunk most of the time. Called me in the middle of the night, drunk of course. Drank wine at dinner - Chardonney - and had bottles of it all the time in her refridgerator. Both girls were 22 at the time. One was havoc. The other peaceful and gentle. Attractive - yes - very. The one who drank the wine, knocked a three-masted sailing ship off my fireplace mantle. A ship I built by hand. Knocked it off on purpose. Said, "Oooops." It crashed to the floor. Broke of course.

I got pissed off but did not do anything. Probably more hurt than anything when she explained, "I just didn't like that ship." I cannot remember what I did or said, except I didn't want to "offend" her. Excuse me, did you just type that?

The other girl. I think she had a mom who was drugging and/or drinking. Her parents were divorced. She "lived" with her father and step mother and children. I met her mother once, but I remember something about it as being an "addict" of some sort. I was naive then. Still am. I know only about an "inch" in a mile's worth of data. But in that inch, is a lot of info I never had before.

So, I may have had two girls with situations. But because one was more chaotic and obnoxious, and I knew that this one was a little "crazy" or bizzare - I wind up marrying her. It was at a time where I had just begun to find "peace, joy, and serenity." I had this certain "calm" over me and my thoughts. I had this sense of fulfillment and forgiveness. I was hard working, yes, but still this empathy for life and the world.

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So, I am sitting here this morning typing at 5AM. Asking myself, "Well how did I get here?"

And, "What do I do now?" Unfortunately one question is irrelevant. Although, I have to see what map I used so I can burn it and never use it again. The irrelevant question is from the Talking Heads. It is the cheapest therapy analysis I have ever recieved.

But the pertinent question is; "What do I do now?"

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I added this a day later. I miss my wife. I used to be able to ask her questions like this. But I never really got a really heart felt response. I didn't know it at the time, that she was drinking. I felt like I didn't exist in her world. It's been like this a long time, the "I didn't exist in her world." I was in denial of this pain. I knew it, but I wouldn't face it squarely. I am still in denial to a large extent.

Getting Unstuck - Part 2

Getting Unstuck - coming from Dr. Robert Anthony's book Beyond Positive Thinking. This is Part 2 about Getting Unstuck. In the previous post I mentioned that we are facing decisions in our lives sometimes that are challenging. And sometimes we get stuck. This is about seeing why we are stuck and hopefully leads us to getting unstuck.

This post, as did the previous post, comes from Dr. Robert Anthony; Chapter 5 "Writing Your Own Script" . . .

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Everything in life is a matter of choice. There are only two things we have no choice about. We cannot avoid these two things no matter how hard we try. The first is that we must die. Death is an absolute certainty. And the second thing we have no choice about is that we must live until we die. Now understand this - everything else in your life that you think you have to do, or are forced to do, is a choice.

You and I do everything because we choose to do it. We can't change the fact that we are going to die or that we must live until we die. But we can change anything else because everything else is a choice. Look at all the areas of your life and realize you do everything in your life because you choose to do it, not because you have to do it. Remember - the only two things you have no choice about is, you have to die, and you have to live until you die. Period!

Look at where you are in your life right now. Where you are is where you want to be. Consciously or unconsciously, you have made a choice. If you want to go anywhere, you must first understand here you are right now. Many people lie to themselves about where they are, and they deny their situation in life. But it is absolutely essential that you acknowledge where you are before you can move on. Is your life working the way you want it to? Are you where you would like to be? Do you have the things that you would like to have? If the answer to any of these questions is “no”, then take a look at your payoff for being where you are. What pleasure do you get out of denying yourself? What pleasure do you get out of being unhappy? What pleasure do you get out of being uncomfortable and not belonging? What pleasure do you get out of thinking in terms of lack and limitation?

It is important to remind yourself that everything that you do in life, whether it is positive or negative, is attached to a reward or a payoff. So look at your payoff. Observation is the first step in changing anything.

When you observe, you are taking the first step toward freedom. And as you observe, you begin to see your own patterns of thought. You have to tell the truth about where you are before you can move on. If you are in pain, admit it. If something is not working, admit it. This is the fundamental principle of Alcoholics Anonymous. You must first acknowledge that you are an alcoholic before you can recover from alcoholism. So look at where you are right now, and then decide where you want to go. Let your mind be open to new possibilities.

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Here are the words that strike me every time I read this chapter in the book;

• You and I do everything because we choose to do it.
• Where you are is where you want to be. Consciously or unconsciously, you have made a choice.
• Are you where you would like to be? Do you have the things that you would like to have? If the answer to any of these questions is “no”, then take a look at your payoff for being where you are.
• It is important to remind yourself that everything that you do in life, whether it is positive or negative, is attached to a reward or a payoff.
• So look at your payoff.

While the last line mentions Alcoholics Anonymous, it is not about AA or Al-Anon. The book is about the psychology of you. And that means showing you and me, how our thinking, how our present level of awareness, and our limiting thoughts (belief systems, mistaken certainties, religion, political views etc.) may be holding us in place - stuck. Because we DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER.

The book is about what I call, "relieving your mistaken certainties" from your growth potential. [I do mean "relieving" here]. Or, said another way, "How you may be holding yourself back?" The first step is realizing that you have things in your belief system that may be incorrect and these are holding you back.

These may come from religion, politics, what teacher told you, or your parents told you. Or you thought they told you. An example of this might be what your mother said to you when you were 5 years old may be playing in your head and may be wrong - but because you heard it - you are assuming it as being true.

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On This Blog, on the right, you will find headings for lots of information you can use. Please scroll down the right hand side of this Blog for more information on;

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Labels to Posts - here you will be able to search on a topic or a label of the postResources -

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Just click (double click) the appropriate link.

It was pointed out to me, that some may not know that this information is readily available for your reading.

Getting Unstuck - Part 1

Getting unstuck is important in living with an alcoholic. We want advice. We want someone to tell us to leave this person who is driving the family crazy. Then reality faces us. What will happen to the children? Who will win them - me or her/him - in a child custody case. I can't afford to leave him/her. What will happen to me? Will I find another mate - and will this one be as crazy as this one? I love this person, . . . don't I? Or am I used to living with this person and in reality I cannot face the reality and I use this as an excuse? Can I continue for just one more month, one more year, two more years, etc?

We've all thought these thoughts, at one time or another. Haven't we? I know I have.

Another pervading thought permeating our conscious from the subconscious may be seen or heard in these words;

Will he be drinking tonight? Will the children have homework and not get it done on time because the alcoholic will come in drunk interupting the childrens' evening? Will supper be cooked on time? Will I have to hide the keys so he can't drive? Will he drive and try to take the children with him?

Damn. That is a lot of pressure. No one knows that thoughts that go on in our heads that make us crazy. No one knows the insanity that we have in our lives. Yet, it is this insanity that makes us fill our heads with stuff and clutter. We have to cut through the clutter.

Restore us to sanity God. And who has not cursed God at one point for doing this to us? That is a big admission.

Here is something, that can or may help you. It is about making decisions. The psychological aspect of them. To me, it is about finding out what we want and how can we get unstuck.

I read it paragragh this morning. I read it a 100 times before. But this morning it made me think about me - just a little differently. It gave me some peace of mind and some insight. It made me see myself in a different light. And perhaps question me about me and why I am stuck.

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"You've heard it said that no decision is a decision. Hidden within indecisiveness is the goal of always being right. As long as we don't know what we want, we will never be wrong, never make a mistake, and hence we will never be disappointed. We have been programmed since childhood not to make mistakes. By being indecisive we can remain a child. The moment we decide to take charge our lives is the moment we really leave home. Once we start making decisions for ourselves, we are on our own.

"It is safer not to make decisions, to be passive, childish and to take our cue from others. Making a decision always reveals something about you. Making a decision tells people who you are. And so, making a decision is essentially divulging a great secret. If your purpose in life is not to reveal who you are, then you will always remain undecided.

"Another reason for indecisiveness is the fear that we may have to give up something. For example, if you want to take a vacation to Hawaii, it means you have to give up going to the Bahamas at the very same time. To choose one goal means you may have to give up others. If you decide on a certain way, it means you may have to give up other paths. It means you can’t be everything, do everything and have everything at the same time. It means you can't please everybody. When you make a choice, you run the risk of rejecting the values of certain people. They may see you, as you really are, not the way they want you to be. In other words, not like them. So by doing nothing, you may be able to retain the love and approval of different people whose values contradict each other, and your indecisiveness helps you to avoid trying to reconcile situations that can't possibly be reconciled."

FROM Robert Anthony's book "Advanced Formula for Total Success" (now called "Beyond Positive Thinking"). Chapter 5 - titled "Write Your Own Script"

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Isn't this a powerful message? Is this not eye-opening? I hope it has some affect (or is effect?) on you today. Look at these words;

• We have been programmed since childhood not to make mistakes. By being indecisive we can remain a child. The moment we decide to take charge our lives is the moment we really leave home.


• It is safer not to make decisions, to be passive, childish and to take our cue from others.


• Making a decision always reveals something about you.


• Making a decision tells people who you are. And so, making a decision is essentially divulging a great secret.


• If your purpose in life is not to reveal who you are, then you will always remain undecided.


• When you make a choice, you run the risk of rejecting the values of certain people. They may see you, as you really are, not the way they want you to be.


• . . . your indecisiveness helps you to avoid trying to reconcile situations that can't possibly be reconciled.

Maybe certain other words struck you.

I will post another part of this book in a post later today or tomorrow. Stay tuned . . .