Maturity

A great reading the other day. It came from a free Al-Anon pamphlet. The discussion leader read the 16 things behind maturity.

The next week, different meeting, and I swear, I don't recall seeing this person at the previous meeting, held the same exact discussion. He copied the pamphlet and left it in the center of the room. Which of course is the Al-Anon way of saying, "You don't have to pick it up and read it." Of course this another way of not trying to exert ones behavior or opinion on another.

And of course we all jumped up and grabbed a copy.

But this morning I am writing about "maturity" too.

I read a "non conference approved book" this morning. But there are many things I now read that relates to Al-Anon.

Here is the quote:

"Maturity lies in accepting reality, not in demanding perfection. You are not perfect. Your life is not perfect. No day is perfect."

There is solace in knowing this. Whatever the hell "solace" means. Who says "solace" by the way? A blogger without a large vocabulary. Ahhhhh, sarcasm, used against the self - a false modesty and humbleness.

In the past couple of days, I realized I am getting hooked again. My immaturity and seeking certain outcomes - sometimes by forcing solutions and attaching my self-worth to the outcome is getting me into a little trouble. I am "fighting" by arguing. I love a good debate. I seek it out in many ways. I can cut through a person's words and sentences and even the sentence structure (even though I suck at English grammar) just to "win." But it only occurs when someone "attacks me."

What are people doing when people attack me?

I am renting a nice 4 or depending who you ask - a 5 bedroom house. My "other" house is paid off and that is where my Whenever to be ex lives. It is expensive and well -worth a lot of money - AND paid off. I am a saver of money. Spend thrift. Well, I got trigger because my landlord - to whom I pay A LOT of mullah to (that's money in English slang), stated in a friggin' email that I was not "allowing Realtors to 'show' the house. and that I should Section 3 of the contract."

Well, dear Joseph, my ugly side, read Section 3. I am not an attorney, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express once, shot back reread Section 3 and pointed out certain words and phrases like "appropriate times" and "consideration" and etc. And I shoved that across the Internet cable like a grenade going up their you know what.

I was triggered. I felt "how dare they?" I have more money that them. I busted my ass all my life and now I am stuck in a rented home having them tell me that realtors can come anytime they want to (some want to come at 6PM at night while I am eating dinner or changing clothes and I said "No." I would have said, Okay before and sacrificed myself and well-being and my needs for people I don't even know. But now, with Al-Anon programming, I am a worthwhile person and I COME FIRST so don't fuck with me. Okay Al-Anon does not say "don't fuck with me." But I am worthy. And I do come first. So now I say "No" without much guilt. Whereas before, guilt would leap around for several hours in my brain on a trampoline.

So, they are pissed I am making the realtor work around my schedule. Well, tough. I read Section 3. And .....

Isn't life grand? Life gives me all sorts of tests. Major and minor to test my maturity. Life equals reality. Al-Anon teaches me to experience reality and be mature. Also to act mature. And realize I am not perfect and that's okay.

Resentments

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night where the discussion was on resentment.

I heard some neat tidbits. Here's one;

"When I begin to feel a resentment, that's the moment where I began to feel like a victim."

Here's a few more;

"My resentments usually are when I am trying to get someone to do something other than what they are doing."

"I am trying to control reasonable responses or reactions of others."

Note the key word here is "reasonable." These responses of others (or reactions or actions) may be and probably all are, reasonable. Ya know why? Just because they are not what I might do or say, doesn't make them unreasonable.


The key one I heard was . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . "To give up resentment, try forgiveness."

OKAY. NOW ABOUT ME
I am going court next month. It is a trial by jury. Yes. In my state we have the option of trial by jury in divorce cases. I made several (a bunch, probably too many) attempts to settle, to mediate, and offer a last settlement. No answer. No counter offer.

So, I pray.

I resent the legal system. I wanted to share that I resent divorce lawyers. The truth always get skewed. And when dealing with an alcoholic and attorney who want MONEY, this is like setting your money on fire and trying to douse the flames with gasoline.

My child has also been impacted. She listens to every conversation my wife has had about me and obviously what is said not positive. I resent that too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am trying to let go and let God. I run to relieve the stress, but I hit a wall at about 20 minutes into the run, and I have to stop. No energy. No ZEST.

So, now, I turn this over to God with this post (And probably a few more between now and then).


And now I am going to . . . . . . . Forgive.

A Quick Post

Pressures. Some we cannot avoid. Read my previous post(s) - I was down and out in Beverly Hills (I don't live there though - just a metaphor or whatever they call it).

I need to remember to do the things that bring me serenity. Avoid the things that don't.

Ask yourself, "Will this bring me serenity?"

That's the ultimate question.

I got further off kilter the other night trying to engage my ex-wife in a conversation around "why it was wrong to tell our child there is no such thing as Santa Claus." I tried to convince her I should have been consulted. When that didn't work, I then launched into a "I should have notified after she did it without consulting me." Hellllooooo?! Knock knock on your forehead - is anyone home in there?????

What I wanted was not to be made insignificant. But even though she did this Santa thing - it was me who decided to feel insignificant.

What was I thinking? She was going to make me feel better with all my convincing? Duh.

Hoping you all make it a great week. And if you have a choice - Aim for serenity!!

The Purpose of My Life

The purpose of my life is . . .

I used to think it to be a success; have money; have recognition; and this one is the scariest to admit - TO BE LOVED.

Hmmmmm . . . .

I am thinking about the "to be loved" part. I am writing free flow right now. I am letting my thoughts come through the typing. It doesn't work for me as well as "just writing in a notebook." I have to think where the keys are. What makes it more difficult is a I got a new laptop at work and going back and forth between the two laptops is making my typing a little fumbled.

Back to recovery.

TO BE LOVED.
I guess this might be true. Money is to take care of my self and feel secure. Recognition is to feel like I am worthy and worthwhile.

But I am changing. I can feel it but recently, with work, and the fact that maybe I have gone out with a "woman friend" with some other people. I will use "date" for shorthand. With the "date" thing - I feel I cannot be myself totally. I have to "entertain" - by being funny and interesting with the opposite sex and smart and experienced at work.

I am funny - sometimes. It is just hard to be funny non-stop. Maybe the word is "fun."

Regarding smart at work - well, I know my business. But as a manager, I have to coach and "cross boundaries" and get people to do things differently - because what they are doing is not working.

These two things are - I am afraid - keeping me from my true purpose - or what I believe my true purpose is today.

My true purpose is - and this is because of Al-Anon - to experience as many "highs" as possible. AND - if possible - stay consistently high.

WHAT IS HIGH?
To me, high is being is harmony with life, my inner thoughts, and my outer actions and behaviors. It means living the truth about me and who I am and what I believe in. Telling the truth about how I feel and what I want and frankly . . . I like seeing others laugh and seeing/hearing me laugh too.

Something about a good laugh. And at least a smile.

I am having a problem with a little couple of "white lies" I have told at work and on a date. I cannot tell about my wife's issue, and my "issues" - I am in recovery. While I don't drink, tonight I have to go out with a new boss and new colleagues for dinner. And they are going to drink. I was told this at the office the other day - "Expect a lot of drinking."

When I told my "date" this the other night and she said, "Pour a glass of coke and pretend you are drinking too." She meant no harm, but I prefer not to do this. So I heard her answer and I regret - frankly - opening up and revealing a part of me to someone else. I feel exposed. I sense, and feel, a little judged.

I prefer to tell people tonight, "No thanks. I am not drinking." And, frankly, go home around 9PM - at the very latest. Because the longer I stay out, the more exposed I am going to become to these "new people." They will drink. There guards will be down, and they will ask questions. I am worried. That's what I am, that they will cross boundaries and try to expose parts of me I am unwilling to expose. Hell, I don't even want to expose certain parts of me to me.

Also - my "date" the other night asked me how old I was. I danced around this several times. Why did I do that? Because I was trying to be funny. My answer was, "Between 17 and 75." She couldn't leave that alone. I said, "Okay, 17. Your a molester." That got a good laugh. But she pressed. I danced around it - why? I felt like I was being exposed again. I thought it was a "boundary crossing" question. But why? She was just trying to find out a "normal" item between two people. My dancing around the question made the question even more important.

Just before I revealed the "truth" about my age - she tried to guess. She thought I was about 8 years younger than I was. I don't think she was trying to "make me feel good" because I could tell she was not believing the truth when I told her. Is this good or bad? I am in pretty good shape. And I have all my teeth. I even have a pimple or two once in a while.

But still this bothers me. In fact, this dating question bothers me more than work stuff.

I am also afraid of becoming "enmeshed" again. I don't want to date someone and become dependent upon their feelings affecting how I react or feel about them.

I can almost feel my insecurities coming up - wanting to tell this person - we should probably not go out again. The enmeshment part bothers me. If I don't date - I know I cannot become enmeshed.

Back to the purpose of this post - the purpose of my life: These little "normal day-to-day" things are speed bumps (or roadblocks) to my purpose - trying to be in harmony with life stuff and/or be serene or have serenity.

I just realized - I am not living in moment. I am projecting ahead. These are my thoughts: will tonight be a pain? And will I reveal too much about myself? And the other with dating; will I be accepted?

Okay. If I remember not to run too far into the future. If I can remember I have a Higher Power who loves and accepts me no matter what. If I can remember to "Live one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time . . . " I will stay centered and in the Present.

I am breathing a little deeper now.

Making Our Decisions

I am reading several books from Ari Kiev. They are old for sure, but they are filled with principles on how to live life for the better. I had to order these books off Abebooks.com, a place where you can find out of print books and search used book sellers around the country.

Here is something that I read this morning. It is derived from one of Kiev's books, a letter to teenager growing up. We may have missed some of this advice, as I know I have, and I am not blaming my parents as I say this, they did the best they could, under the circumstances.

The reading from one of the chapters is about making our own decisions.

First, try to experiment with the word "no." Try saying it to someone to whom you typically respond with a "yes." One woman in an Al-Anon meeting said she repeated the word "no" over and over again, so she could get comfortable with it coming from her mouth. Strange, I thought at first. But a second later, perhaps, I thought, brilliant.

Second, try cancelling an appointment or postponing a meeting.

Third, try refusing some food at the table, like bread. Ask the waiter, to remove the bread when dining out. Bread is one of my big favorites. Send it back? Will it hurt the other person's feelings? We are people pleasers aren't we Joseph?

Fourth, when someone wants to borrow something, say "no." I am going into cardiac arrest here. I have shortness of breath.

Fifth, quit solving others problems. Yesterday, a woman I work with needed a pen for she could not find one for the con call she was on and needed to take notes. So what did I do? I gave her my expensive, rare pen. She held onto it through out the call. I, on the other hand, was without a pen. Duh?! Could I be any more accommodating?????

On all of the above, don't offer an explanation.

WOW! When I write this, it seems like I am being, well, an ass if I do this. YIKERS! Am I trying to find affection by being accommodating at my expense?

Remember - this is just an exercise. I think if you can lend someone something, and they really need it, maybe, perhaps, um, er, I am faltering here, provide it to them?!

But, maybe, without an expectation of being loved, or this being reciprocated.

How hard this is going to be for ME!

"Gee, Thanks for Sharing."

Al-Anon - a good one liner for people trying to provoke us.

I must admit, I stole this one liner. I stole it from the website - Loveandlogic.com

The website is about raising children and has some great articles. One of the articles is about "tease proofing" our children. The article discusses how a 2nd grade teacher taught his class a "cool look" and how to maintain it when being teased. It also gave a one-liner for the child to say back to the tormentor.

The one-liner "Thanks for sharing."

I thought, "How cool."

I was hooked by my qualifier last week. I engaged. I retorted. I gave my rebuttal.

But I lost serenity. Not a good trade.

It happened again yesterday when she called and told me how "unnice" I am.

Well, the next time someone says something that may trigger me, I am going to say, "Thanks for sharing." with no hostility or anger or sarcasm. I need to work on the cool look though. My child says I look anything but cool. "Geez, thanks for sharing!"

For more on my stealing here is the pdf http://www.loveandlogic.com/pdfs/teaseproof.pdf

The Courage to Change the Things I Can

At Starbucks somewhere USA. 5:16PM ET Waiting for a men's Al-Anon Meeting on another side of town.
I Feel Different - Will It Last?
Last night, I went to bed early . . . I did not watch the crud on TV this time. Watching the crud on TV is always a bad way to go off to sleep.

Before I put my head down on the pillow, I prayed to God, to help me, by guiding me. I asked that he give me back the courage I once had. I asked God (or my Higher Power) to give me strength to make the right decisions for my daughter and me. I asked HP this before. But last night was different.

I decided I can no longer continue to wait and put my life on hold. I want the happy person back that I once was. I feel like that Talking Heads song . . . "And you may ask yourself - well...how did I get here?"

Well ...How Did I Get Here?
I am no longer going to be made to feel guilty. I am co-dependent. Crap. It pisses me off. I am being controlled, by someone who has long ago decided to leave me, mentally and spiritually. How could I let that happen to me? I already crawled out of dirt 20 years ago. I refuse to be pushed back in to the dirt.

I have decided I am no longer going to remain dead inside.

No more. No longer.

Note to Self: Follow through

Stopping Chaos with the Alcoholic

Stopping the chaos with the alcoholic - at least to me - was really what the subject and focus of the past two weekends topics on Detachment and Boundaries were about.

The problem that I face is when a child is involved.

I struggle with both of these (detachment and boundaries) because my wife, who is my qualifier, likes to run around with no responsibilities. She takes my daughter from place to place, no prioritization, not understanding she has studies and tests for school and she needs some sort of "routine." Unfortunately, my daughter sees this running around as normal. I am trying to break this pattern by exerting and interrupting the cycle of chaos.

Of course, as soon as I write the word "exerting" I know that I have fallen into the trap of controlling. I know, I know. There are some who are reading this and they are smiling, nicely of course, perhaps saying to themselves, "Dear Joseph, don't you learn anything?"

But my daughter is not doing well in school. And anytime I try to sit and study with her, my wife has created "other plans" - like meeting friends, going shopping, etc. My wife can't sit down and study with my daughter - she functions sober with a huge IQ, but very, very little EQ (emotional quotient). My wife has very little ability to sit on the side of the other person and try to figure out what is going on and therefore try and be empathetic or try to "teach" from how others see things. She is very, self-centered. Or self-absorbed. She does not want to or can't - look at things from the other person's perspective. She cannot empathize - sit in the other person's shoes - to feel or try to feel how others may be feeling.

In fact, talking about this self-centeredness or self-absorbtion, when I ask my daughter how her day went, my wife answers! I have gotten to the point to where I even ask specifically by my daughter's name and my wife STILL answers!! It's enough to drive one to - I was going to say "drink" to be comical - but that may be inappropriate.

But back to trying to "fix" things for my daughter and give some sort of routine.

It is hard to set boundaries, especially when your children, where there is this natural bonding between mother and child. When I do start to try to change things by trying to realign the house by trying to focus everyone on the important things (such as school work), and stop the running around which adds to the chaos, I look like the ogre - the big guy who looks like he is being a jerk. My wife does the fun stuff and dad, well dad, is the meany.

One little story about dinner in our house. This is not what I expected from a mother. So, my viewpoint is being shattered. I was a little shocked, because I thought mothers were supposed to be very children centered.

My wife would bring home food, from the mall, you know the food court. She would buy a plate of food from one of those country cooking places. She would get vegetables, because they are "healthy". Of course these vegetables are cooked with sugar, salt and fat to make the food taste good. But never the less, they are vegetables, according to her.

Well, she would bring home a plate just for herself. No other food. I would ask, probably in a little bit of pissy voice, "Where is our food?" Her reply, "Well, you and our daughter [her name here] don't like this." I would reply, "So there is nothing for us?" And of course, there wasn't.

On other occasions, my wife would go to the store and buy already made chicken. She would fix her plate and sit down and start eating. My daughter who was 8 or 9 at the time would come in and say, "Where's my food mommy?" I would come from the office and see this and just stare in disbelief. Of course this is when she was drinking every day - full bore.

Now what she does, is she shops all day. She will hit Target 3 times in one day. Hit Target 3 days back to back. I think this is her way to drink in the car.

I have detached and set boundaries to minimize the chaos - so I am thankful for this. I will admit my boundaries and detachment were not always so great as to the fact I judged and provided my evaluation of the situation at times. And in those times I went toe to toe with alcoholism, and eventually was thwarted at every turn and lost. But over time I have come to use them, the tools of detachment and boundaries, and I would give myself a grade of "fair" today. And, by the way, my wife says that I am setting rules, not boundaries.

Now I am dealing with her (my wife's) inability to tell me what time she is taking my daughter somewhere and what time she will be back. And - is this going somewhere - more important than studying, going to bed at a set time, waking up at a set time, eating at a set time thing. I am trying to set "rules" - and maybe these are rules, for when my daighter should go to bed, eat dinner, what to eat, and when to study. So, not only am I controlling - and trying to exert influence, my wife thwarts it - undermines it - because of her power of being the fun one. And my child suffers. And I feel guilt and yet I know I must try to help.

But I also realize I cannot be the husband, dad, and wage earner AND be the mother. I cannot be the parent for both my wife and my daughter. And frankly, I realize that now more than ever.

So, this past weekend - while there was no out and out chaos - there were missed times when we were to study for a make-up test my daughter is to take today. The times were missed because my wife had friends in town. Then I had to become no longer "detached" - which means I had to intervene on my daughter's behalf to study. Of course my daughter didn't understand - she wanted to hang out with my wife's friends' children at the house where they were all staying. And of course, my wife painted me with the brush that I am a "control freak." But I do not care about the painting or labeling - although in truth it does hurt because I want a partner, not an enemy. And not at the cost of my daughter's education and self-esteem and seeing me as the bad dad - not fun dad - not the loving dad. Because as we all know, children's schooling is important to their self-esteem. My big concern is my daughter failing a grade. So I am forced to get my daughter extra tutoring. And here my wife tries to thwart this, starting off by saying she doesn't need it. Or saying, my daughter is not "getting it" (meaning understanding the school work) not realizing that what she is not getting is because of not studying a little more and that why should she when her mom, a big figure in her life, says it's OK to play all day.

So today, my wife's mother comes to town. She is smart lady. But still my wife's mother. I am going to explain what happened this weekend in detail so she can understand the chaos and the problems we are facing in the midst of alcoholism. This weekend is an example of the chaos and turmoil underway. And the chaos has become normal.

In the end, alcoholism is not just drinking and being drunk. It is a self-centered disease and it sucks the life out of everyone to make the focus on the alcoholic. And the cycle - the cycle of self-centeredness - makes everyone feel they are not fulfilling the role they are supposed to fill if we take the eyes off the alcoholic. And because our eyes and focus have been on the alcoholic for so long it seems normal. We (I) have to break this pattern.

I have started to try to break the pattern. I do not know if I can complete the breaking of the pattern in the current situation without looking like I am the bad guy here. I am in a dilemma. A dilemma is a place where there are just choices of bad alternatives.

I seek a solution. And I pray for serenity this week. And I pray for my daughter to understand as well, that I am not the ogre.

Al-Anon On-line Meeting: Setting Boundaries

On-line Al-Anon Meeting on: Setting Boundaries

If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting. The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 1/25/08 and runs to Sunday 1/27/08 evening.

A Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

This is where we start. To get us started here is a comment from wm and a quote from the Al-Anon book Courage to Change;
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is from "wm" who left this in a comment to a post Thursday:
When I started al-anon I thought I had set boundaries long ago but I was willing to take a look at it. Oh, yeah sure, I have boundaries.

After a while in the program I began feeling like my husband was stepping all over my boundaries. I wondered why this was happening. So I talked to my sponsor about it. She asked me what I do whenever my husband crosses the line. Wellll, what do you mean? How do you enforce your boundaries?

At this point I began to think about what I was doing when my boundaries were crossed. Reacting, losing my temper, yelling (again).

So I asked her for some suggestions on what to do. Since my husband and I are geographically separated at this point she told me I could politely end the conversation and give him a specific time when I would call him back. For now this seems to work but as with all things in an alcoholic marriage it may have to be adjusted later.

If we were living in the same house I would guess that going for a walk would be an option or just leaving the room would work too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is taken from the Al-Anon book, Courage to Change;
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many of us come to Al-Anon confused. We are so focused on our alcoholic loved ones that may not be able to see where they leave off and we begin. We've lost our sense of what is appropriate. How can we distinguish between acceptable and unacceptable behavior when we don't even know what we want or need?

[It talks about Step 4 here, about an inventory, and what our values are or need to be and my new values of what I will accept and not accept]

Where in the past I have allowed unacceptable behavior, I now can choose a different response. I must consistently do what I say I am going to do. Today I have the courage and faith to be true to myself. whether or not others like or agree with me. I must remember that announcing my new ways to others is not nearly as important as knowing what my own limits are and act accordingly.

Today's Reminder
I will remember that knowing my boundaries does not mean forcing others to change; it means that I know my own limits and take care of myself by respecting them. The focus, today, is on me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There we some really good posts earlier. Feel free to repeat the points you've made on these earlier posts. Please ask any questions and ask for guidance if you have any burning desires.

Let's start the On-Line Al-Anon Meeting on Setting Boundaries

Happy Holidays - and a note to myself

Happy Holidays. I want to thank everyone for their kind words over the past few weeks.

Also - a note to myself. When I am around people who may blame me or who may bait me because of my spouse's drinking - or - her problem, I will smile, I will say in a "sing-song" cheerey voice;

"I understand your feelings. I wish you the best. Merry Christmas to you and your family."

I will not engage. I will smile and kill'em with kindness!

Distrust

Yesterday, I flew back into the airport and went directly to an Al-Anon meeting. It was a good meeting. It's filled with men and women. And some children. We are all children, aren't we?

And: We all struggle. We are all human. We are all frail.

About Al-Anon and the people there: You will find some of the nicest people in the world here. I think I know why. We have removed the veneer off ourselves, to be ourselves. We have removed the facade. We are all people who have emotions and problems we deal with.

This is so much better than going to the neighbor's house for drinks. Everyone puts on the airs. Everyone tries to be what they want reflected outward.

In the meeting, this little poem was handed out. And we spoke about distrust and how trust had to be won back over time.

Here is the poem.

'Twas the night before tomorrow,

.........And all through the house,

I locked up my money,

.........And so did my spouse.

We hate to do it,

.........But now, it's a must,

Until our dear child,

.........Can earn back our trust.

..........................................................- An Ode to Families Anonymous

I think or used to think I was pretty smart. I based my whole life and business career on trust. In the past, if someone broke a promise, I would cut them out of my business life.

Today, I am not so sure I would. I might try to be more understanding and find out why they did not do what they said they would do.

My Relapses - Not My Spouse's (who Is the drinker)

Things are still an emotional roller coaster. I took the car keys 2 weeks ago. The boundary I set was "you cannot drink and drive." The consequences were; I took the car keys. I will tell you, the first day or two was hard. There were errands to run, things to do. Of course I felt guilty. But I set my foot down and we lived with the results.

The good news was I knew she was sober for a week. The down side: She probably resented it. No. "Probably" is not the right word. She did resent it.

Tough.

Better than killing someone else in the process of killing herself.

Al-Anon says, "Let go and let God." Well, there has to be some intervening on our part. In my opinion, which of course is what the Blog is about.

Any way, here I am.

I gave her back the keys. I was not trying to punish or control. I wanted to have some peace of mind. And I wanted her to know the consequences and boundaries.

Let me know what you think.