A Note I Made To Myself

I reread this from a course I took that the county mandated all people going through a divorce take. The note I made in my notebook was startling when I heard it and so I captured it on paper.

I reread it this weekend - about 6 months after I wrote it down. It says a lot. I am afraid it says a lot about me. It does not reference alcoholism, but it is, I believe, germane.

Here is the sentence I captured;

"The pathologically tolerant person looks for a controller who has an addiction."

Interesting and revealing. I am hoping that I am not looking for a controller anymore. I notice I am tolerant, but I am not sure where the tolerance boundary lies. Does it lie in accepting to go out to eat anywhere - because I really don't care what I eat? Does it mean I put up with people being late? Or people not expressing their love for me? How far does tolerance go?

There is one more sentence - a bullet point I captured right below this sentence. I didn't see it this weekend. Here it is;

"The controller has no clue how he affects others. He is narcissistic."

My Recovery

Revised afternoon of Wednesday
As I recover, I am seeing how much I am dependent on another person's acceptance of me. I am beginning to see how much I try and have tried to gain this person's acceptance and try to have this person care for me. I see there is little caring about others in this addictive relationship, there is only the ego - or the will of this other person and the will to be seen by others outside the family as good and caring. It is an unfortunate situation this addiction and the need for both of us to have validation from others. In certain ways, in truth, I wanted her to get her validation from me, and that validation would be love and acceptance and recognition that I am a worthy and good person. My excuse could be, "that is what marriage is about, isn't it?"

I work hard. I do my best to be a good husband and my best as a good father. But I am not in a normal relationship. The addiction of my spouse has made me sick in a way. And that sickness was trying to gain acceptance and love she could not give. Now that I am gaining clarity, I am seeing more of the issue and how this is now affecting my daughter - our daughter - and how she is looking for acceptance and love. The issue of addiction is not understood by the layperson, the person outside the sphere of this addiction.

I am seeing that for the first time, how my gut is twisted when my wife, my qualifier, is not there for caring and compassion. And that the less she gave, the more I gave. The more I gave, the reciprocity of love and compassion and giving turned my caring into "caretaker" and no longer being caring. I kept on giving until the relationship was so lopsided that everything revolved around my qualifier.

Now I am trying to make sure that my daughter does not fall in the same cycle. This is a cycle of co-dependency and looking for love and acceptance from someone who may not be able to provide this in the normal way. This in turn could create an unnatural response creating the same cycle I got caught up in.

In reality, I think, if my qualifier recovers, the addiction may subside. But the addiction is so, soooo, powerful, that it takes over everything, like weeds in a garden, and eventually strangles every other plant and robs others of their nutrients. And we, the other flowers or plants, die of malnutrition or starvation of love and acceptance.

What an addictive cycle. The more we don't get or receive, the more we give. And the more we give, the more we expect. Still no change - we get no more, but we continue to give, expecting, hoping, needing, wanting, a return or reciprocal relationship.

The power of this addiction results in an out of balance family, with the focus and center of attention on the addict. A "normal" family is where both parents are working together and the center of attention is on the children -but not such that the children are given everything asked for, which breeds entitlements [my opinion].

We must stop by removing the addict and addiction from the center of our attention. This is the only thing we can do. So, to do this, we must focus on ourselves, focus on our children and allow the addict to, well, this might not sound compassionate, focus on whatever they tend to focus on, and not allow it to become any of our business.

You Are Perfect

In Al-Anon one of the messages is to focus on yourself. Another message is be kind and compassionate to yourself.

I have stated several places in this blog that who we are is perfect. You may be saying to yourself, "No I am not! Look what you did this morning. Look what you said yesterday. Remember that nasty little thought you had, what about that?"

These messages play in our heads all the time. These messages play in a lot of peoples' heads, not just Al-Anon members. These are negative messages that derail us and make us feel inferior or inadequate. We need to STOP them. We need to eliminate this habit of thinking negatively about ourselves. We have been programmed to think that this is okay to think this way. We've done this type of thinking for so long that is natural for us to beat ourselves up.

So stick with this: you are perfect. Still feel this is impossible? Okay, well listen up.

What you DO may not be perfect. Separate who you are from what you do. You are not your project at work. So if your project bombed, it's not you who bombed. If your day yesterday was crappy, the day is not you. Maybe your relationship sucks. You are not necessarily the relationship. There is no rule out there that says your relationship is you and you were meant to make this work.

Sometimes we are stuck in this thinking because we leave our inside voices and get into the heads of others and start playing what they may be thinking of us.

Read that one again!

Sometimes we are stuck in this thinking because we leave our inside voices and get into the heads of others and start playing what they may be thinking of us.

How in the world are we going across the room or across the city or state or country and putting ourselves in other people's heads and having us put our thoughts of their thinking about about us in them? What?!

And, oh by the way . . . why does it have to be negative?

And, oh by the way . . . who cares what they think about us?

Now, someone may say, "That's not right. That's uncaring!" So I would ask, "For whom?" "Is it uncaring for them or you?"

I think, when we beat ourselves up, by saying , "Look what I've done . . . ", we start in our heads by thinking about what others might be thinking about us. We worry about their thinking, and why? Because they might not accept us. And then everything we do is aimed at them accepting us (liking us; saying "We're OK").

Now, if you want a guilt trip, I am going to give it to you. If you are so worried about what other people think, and therefore start doing what you think would make others think better of you, is that truly "authentic?"

You see, I know a secret about you (us).

We desire to be authentic. Genuine. Trustworthy. Real.

The only way for us to be authentic, is to do what we can, the best we can, without harm to others and without harm to ourselves. Be yourself. You are perfect. We may not always do things perfectly. But hey, tough darts, that's the fun and beauty of being on this little round, hairball planet, called Earth.

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Alcoholism In The Home

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Alcoholism In The Home
If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting.

The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 3/28/08 and runs to Sunday 3/30/08 evening.

Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

Have you ever tried to explain what it like to live in a home as a child or as a spouse in the home with active alcoholism - to someone who has never been in it?

Living in a home with an alcoholic is difficult to understand by people who are not living in it. I personally have tried to explain it therapists (who do not have training in addictions) and found that they have no clue. I have read where people who have commented on this blog talked to neighbors, friends and relatives and gave them solutions that mirrored something out of "Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus." Even one trained addiction specialist, who is a recovering alcoholic, suggested I read Dale Carnegie's "How To Win Friends and Influence People" because I assume, he was not now living with an active alcoholic.

People who are on the outside just do not understand what we live through. They may say, "It's in your head." Or they may say, "Have you read this book, listened to this CD or gone to couples church outing?"

It is a disease. There are neurological effects that lead to dementia, which can lead to learning, memory and behavioral disorders. But worse, it affects the entire family system.

Below are some terrible, but accurate passages about how it affects children and adults

The following passages are from the book, "From Survival To Recovery"
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"What is it like growing up in an alcoholic home? If you asked me a few years ago, I would have had to say, "I have no idea." My childhood was so painful that the only way I could survive was to block out the pain; I also blocked out the good. It was as if I had no life. When my family talked about events, I felt stupid because I couldn't remember them, and it frightened me that I couldn't remember. I couldn't feel, either. I was numb.

"What is it like? It's unremitting fear - fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of being known - a constant, nagging fear that never goes away.

"It's lonely. It's wanting so desperately to be a part, yet pushing people so far away I couldn't possibly be connected. It's isolating myself and then being the outsider looking in and never fitting in. I'm often ashamed. I'm afraid to lose the only people who say they love me. I'm afraid they won't come back, and then I'm afraid they will. It's confusing. People say they love me and then they hurt me. In my gut, I know something is wrong, but I'm told I overreact or I'm too sensitive. So I learn to not trust my instincts.

"It's being needy. It's being convinced I am loved and unlovable. It's needing to hear over and over, "You're wonderful!" yet never believing it. So I always need to hear it again, and it's still not enough. It's feeling that I am not enough. It's having to do for others so that I can earn their love, yet feeling that what I give is never enough."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are the voices of children and adults living in an alcoholic environment,

This is where we comment on the affects of what is happening in our homes or what has happened in our homes. And how can we try to tell someone who has never been through this?

Please comment on the topic or comment if you have a burning desire.

A Prisoner

A Prisoner. I heard this at the Family Night Rehab, from a man who was describing his life with his wife and her alcoholism. He was an ex-military person, who apparently spent some time in active combat.

A Prisoner. That's how I feel, or maybe felt. A Prisoner.

Not too many people - if any at all - can actually understand the feeling of living with an active alcoholic. Especially one that is angry, deceitful, lying and puts on a "show" to the outside world. No one will know how they can manipulate you, and make you lose self-confidence and self-esteem. Essentially, they make you feel inadequate, undeserving, unloved and often, like it (it = everything) is some how your fault. At least this is the words from some of the people from these meetings.

For someone reading this - who is not living with an active alcoholic - this may sound extreme. I can assure you - it is not.

Living with the alcoholic - even when I did not know she was drinking - somewhere deep inside, I was missing something. I look back now and know it was the hidden drinking of alcohol by my wife that was affecting me. It was big and little behavior that was out of the norm that soon became "the norm" that threw me off. But I didn't know it back then.

The weird behavior was; the throwing out (purposely losing) diamond earrings, because they were, "too small." Or falling down in the center of a sidewalk, because she had too much too drink (I didn't know it then, because I didn't see her drinking). Or when she threw up one morning on a street, on a beautiful spring morning in a quaint southern town on the Atlantic Ocean with my friend and his wife looking at her going, "what the ?" The burning of food. The burning of pots. The late bills.

How in the world did you miss this? You dismissed it because when you inquired about it to someone you trusted, you got "dismissed" as being "controlling" or a "control freak" or that, "I am a little ditzey." So, you start to doubt yourself. Self-doubt . . . a killer of instinct and all good from within.

It's all clear now of course. How could I have missed this? But we do. How many stories have I heard from both men and women who have spouses that hid their drinking - so well, that no one even had a clue. Next thing we know, there is no escape. Because we have become too weak, too ashamed, too much self-esteem lost, to leave, to get unstuck.

Then one day, something happens. We say - "Stop."

Where and when do we say this? How do we get away. I can tell you, that only through getting out of the house, every day, and meeting with YOUR friends or better - Al-Anon Meetings. Only at Al-Anon Meetings is really where you find people who understand.

I have compassion for the alcoholic. I really do. I feel sorry for her. She is being controlled by a substance that is powerful. Except in our society we see alcohol as "alright." It the alcoholic's fault for not being able to control themselves. It's "just" 10% of the population who can't handle it. If it was cocaine, well then, that's another story.

But it's not just the 10%. It may be another 25% - because of the effects on the family. Maybe the number is larger. We have made drinking glamerous and popular. We have become connessiuers of beer, wine, and scotch. Isn't that sad, knowing what we now know? The general population has not a clue of how this is a dangerous drug.

Are we prisoners? That is my question to you this morning.

The Children of the Alcoholic Family

Outside the home, no one knows of the prison we live in. As mothers, and fathers, we know the feeling of being trapped. We know the gloom of the home of the raging alcoholic. We can take comfort in our tools we learn from Al-Anon. We can learn to detach, stop engaging, focus on ourselves.

But our children.

For them, it is a different matter. How can they possibly understand that something is wrong? How can they understand that mommy's and daddy's bickering and fighting is about one person trying to fix and control the chaos and other - the alcoholic - someone who has no control of what they are doing.

In fact, with the alcoholic, it is like dealing with two people. Except, you are mostly if not always dealing the alcoholism. Remember, "cunning, baffling and powerful."

Our children do not understand this. And we, if we grew up around it, we also did not understand. But we tried to cope (we didn't call it this). We were too young to learn real coping mechanisms. Often the alcoholic took it out on us. In some cases, the sober parent lashed out at us, only because of the frustration and not knowing who to turn to and how to relieve their frustrations and stress.

It is not called "the disease of the alcoholic." It is called and known as the "the disease of the family." It is unlike any other disease on earth. It affects the entire orbit of the family. The enitre family system. All the children and the grandparents and others who come in contact, were and are extremely affected, without their even knowing it.

I read to you from the book, From Survival to Recovery, an Al-Anon book. I was asked to chair the meeting Sunday, and was asked to find something in this book. So I did. I never had such a response from a group of grown men and women before. Every one of the people were moved. And they spoke up, so candidly, about the affect the alcoholic and the alcoholism played on them or their children.

Here are the passages I read this past Sunday, written by those who struggled in the home as children; (from page 14)

In the alcoholic family, the need and demands of the alcoholic frequently dominate all other needs. Preoccupied with the alcoholic, the other family members may be too exhausted, irritated, or overwhelmed to provide for the children;s needs as well. Some children try to help their families cope by being quiet, good, and asking for nothing. While mastering the art of disappearing into a remote part of the house, or going to a friend's home, or becoming invisible in the midst of a crowd, those of us who "got lost" also lost a sense of self and the belief that our own needs had any validity. Some of us became human chameleons who changed our personalities to fit whatever social and personal environment we encountered.

Growing up with the chaos and unpredictability created by alcoholism cause many of us to mask our confusion, anger, and shame by trying to be perfect. To prove to ourselves and the world that there was nothing wrong with us or our families, we scrambled hard in school to get straight A's, or work feverishly at home to keep everything neat and tidy. We became star athletes, artists, corporation leaders, humanitarians, and outstanding citizens. Inside, however, we feel driven, terrified by failure unable to relax or play, and lonely. Toward less responsible people who seem to make our efforts at perfection harder, we often became self-righteous and angry. Convinced that something terrible will happen if we lose control, we run ourselves ragged trying to take charge of everything and never know how much is enough. Until we begin to recover, many of us are trapped in a compulsive need to give more, love more and do more.

Now I skip to page 17 in the same book.

Each member of an alcoholic family tries to adjust to the problem in his or her own way. Our adjustments depend on our situation in the family (whether we are a spouse, sibling, child, relative) and on our individual emotional temperaments. We have in common the tendency to keep changing ourselves to try to fix something that is not in our power to fix, someone else's alcoholism.

I add these words, to the final sentence instead of "someone else's alcoholism" - "that we did not cause, cannot change and cannot and should not take responsibility for. We are not responsible."

I think about that passage as it relates to my daughter.

Our Children - Another Al-Ateen Meeting

Last time we spoke about Al-Ateen was several weeks ago. My daughter is ten (10) if you recall. My concern was that she may be too young. On the advice of my therapist and the advice of the rehab's therapists - and a few others at Al-Anon, we went (acutally - I took her and she went).

Last night was our daughter's third meeting. She went in the meeting a little agitated. She is wearing an boot/brace on her foot because of a badly sprained ankle. The brace is difficult to put on. She had taken it off so Daddy (moi) and daughter could go to dinner (a fast food chicken place).

The agitation turned to her not wanting my help and that she could put it on. She went into Al-Ateen not the happiest of campers with me, the boot or probably life [Note to self: she said her life rots this past weekend. Rots. Hmmmm Didn't know they still used that word. It might be coming back. File that one away. I may become cool again. Not that I was ever cool, but maybe I'll get a second chance!]

Before the meeting - I hugged her and told her I loved her, and that I apologized for trying to help her my way. I said, "Next time I will ask you if and how you want me to help you." She hugged me too saying I love you. She said, "You can go now Daddy." She is kind of funny in that she wants to walk in that door by herself.

An Introduction
After Al-Ateen I met her outside, I introduced her to a man who had two sons in the same meeting. He is a really nice man that I sat next to during the Al-Anon Meeting going on at the same time as the Al-Ateen meeting.

While I was introducing him to her, my daughter stuck out her hand to shake his hand and told him her name. I watched this occur with great interest. She knew to extend her hand.

The Heist
After that she needed to use the bathroom - so we went back inside where there was a "Birthday" (someone was celebrating 15 years at Al-Anon). My little girl wanted me to heist a piece of cake. So of course like any good father, I did. We got out with the one with the most icing. She hobbled and I steadied her and the plate of cake, laughing and looking over our shoulders to see if there were any screaming Al-Anoners trying to get their plastic fork, paper plate or cake with the most icing back. Fortunately, we escaped. We laughed in the car when we got in.

Ratings
When we drove off she was laughing and talking how she rated the week. She volunteered the discussion - no prodding from me. She rated it a .5 on a scale of 1-10. Then she said she came back and revised the Saturday night. And rated it a 9.5 out of 10. She laughing and told me another girl was saying that was a very high rating. I asked, "Why so high?" She replied it was "Father-Daughter Dance." Now that sounds self-serving as I type this. It may appear that I am trying to place myself in the best of lights. But the Father-Daughter dance is where the men/fathers stand around in groups talking to each other and the girls do hoola-hoop contest and line dancing and run around eating pizza etc. Every once in a while I was able to sneak in and dance and show my daughter my "moves." My moves consist of what I recall used to be a cool dance. My recall is not very good about the dancing parts of my life and therefore - apparently - my moves probably mirrored the guy, Albert Brennaman, from the movie "Hitch." My daughter pushed me off the dance floor at one point, laughing. I was, I believe, the only father pushed off the dance floor. Hey, but at least I made it to the dance floor!

Anyway, back to Al-Ateen. When we got home she was still very excited and she rated that day - last night a 40 out of 10. A 40? I asked. "Yes," she said, "I really had a great time talking. And I really like this other girl, she is so funny." [Added later this morning - she has bonded with this other girl. One of the supervisors said that the children in these programs "bond" quickly. I can now attest to this.]

Last night I went to sleep in a great mood knowing this (her happiness and how she was SOOO excited. She even screamed out the door, "I am happy world!"). I am thankful and I am grateful. Thank you HP and friend who "advised" me to take her to Al-Ateen. And the man and woman who "oversee" the meeting.

File This In the Weird or In Tune Category
PS - A funny thing how Al-Anon works or life in general. In tune with the Infinite. On the way to the meeting - as we were driving, I wondered if Al-Ateen had sponsors like Al-Anon. At my Al-Anon meeting - while the Al-Ateen meeting was occuring, a woman who did the "set-up" read three (3) passages from the red Al-Ateen book - on - guess? It was on: Sponsorship in Al-Ateen. Weird.

Sometimes A Book And a Gift or Searching for An Answer

I have learned that a gift is gift to the giver as well as to the receiver. In fact, the giver may get more out of the giving than the person actually receiving the gift. How often have I heard, "Don't you just love it?" or "Isn't it the nicest (cutest) thing?" coming out of the giver's mouths? More times than I can count.

But a book . . .

Giving a book can be a big thing for some people - in fact I think it can be a big thing for most - not just some. In my "controlling" days - I would read a book, get very excited about it, tell a lot of people about what I learned.

Then later in life, when I could afford it, I would buy books for people. I look back now to see that I was trying to "fix" these other people. "I read this book you see, and this has you written all over it," was the subtext of my message in giving the book.

The other subtext, although subtext may be the wrong word, "shouting silently" may be more accurate, was, "You need help. Read this. This will fix you." What was not stated was, "According to my reality." I no longer give books as "gifts."

But a book . . .

But a book may be a gift from your Higher Power. You may do a, "Say 'What'?" here. Stay with me. Sometimes gifts come from strangers and people who don't really know us. We are taken aback perhaps or maybe we are genuinely grateful. But a book, instead of looking at you are trying to fix me, may be instead, "Hey read this you lune, you may catch an idea that could turn your life around. Or this day around. Or this upcoming meeting. Or keep you from saying something stupid this morning, that may in fact have reverberations across the rest of your life."

This is the approach I have been taking - especially lately. When someone suggests a book, I scramble to read it - just in case. I am in a desperate search of the "answer" to get my life back in order. I am in a desperate search for my HP's will and any sign that he may be out there trying to speak to me.

Last Night
I received a gift last night right before the Family Night Rehab program. It was in the form of a book. Funny how the world works. I wanted to buy this book. But I have too many to read right now so I haven't bought it. So now I have this very same book - I have been really thinking about buying - but haven't - from this great lady who has a son who completed rehab and is on the road to recovery. Interesting isn't it? How I have been thinking about the book. Didn't buy it. And now she hands me this book, called "Transforming Our Losses" - that I have been thinking of? (By the way, it is an Al-Anon book and I believe the latest of the books from Al-Anon)

So I got up and ran downstairs a 4:45AM this morning. And out of the book these words struck me this morning;
"After admitting our powerlessness in Step One, we are becoming ready to let a Higher Power intervene on our behalf. In taking Step Two, we come to believe a Power greater than ourselves can restore our sanity. These Steps offer hope even in the midst of despair.

Whatever our definition of a Higher Power may be, the one thing most of us have in common is our desire for a more serene life."

Yes. This is what I want. I have been searching for it - forever. Serenity. It's not something I would tell a lot of people. It's not something I would say in a job interview, that's for sure. But it is true. I also call it - "Peace of Mind."

Crisis
Here is a quote from the next paragraph;
"When faced with the next crisis, we may feel uncertain about our decision to respond differently. If we focus on taking care of ourselves, who will take care of everything else? We can remind ourselves that in practicing the new behavior, we may feel tentative at first; but the more we practice, the easier it becomes. Eventually we realize that weren't really in control of anyone else to begin with."

I would add "or anything else" to the last sentence. Maybe by giving up control, we gain serenity.

I am in crisis. I feel I have no one who can help me.

I have lots of people who are offering me an ear, but not a single soul coming to help me. I counted my new friends and old friends, who are now in a position to listen to me and give me their ear. The number of people, family, in-laws, old friends, sponsor, therapist/mentor/coach/Sherpa/sapient, therapist at Family Night, etc. brings the count well over 12 people.

May be too many people. I wonder.

But not one can give me the answer to my dilemma. I know they can't. Intellectually I know, "how can they?

Some tell me to pray. So, I continue to pray. I think my prayers sound like I am begging.

Some say - "You know what to do. In your heart, you already know." I have seen and heard this quote in some strange places in the last couple of weeks.

Family Night - Am I a "Downer" to the Group?
One last thought. I wonder if I am a "downer" for Family Night. I spoke of my dilemma and about my wife's behavior and how my daughter and wife are engaging in arguments when I am not a home. I think this is because I stopped engaging. This is the dilemma. I can deal with anything, but this is what I have to end. It's gone too far.

So I spoke of this to the group. The therapist, a good person - he cannot help me I sense. There are newbies in the meeting now. Another rotation of patients. My wife is out. No longer there. The therapist also looks annoyed. Is it my imagination? Speak therapist.

My wife is out of town. My daughter yesterday - serene. Am I imagining this?

Alcoholism and Selfishness - the Impact on the Children

Alcoholism and Selfishness - the Impact on the Children

I didn't write about my wife's little trip out of town last weekend. As you recall she left with her friends, just two weeks out of Outpatient Rehab.

Here are some facts;
She didn't ask me if this was convenient for me or my work schedule. If she did, she would have found that it wasn't in that I had travel plans that week for work. I would have had her not go or at least rearrange her schedule. I wound up rearranging work and jeopardizing some business critical issues. My daughter was impacted as well.

She also never told us exactly when she was leaving or when she was returning.

Phone Calls Never Returned
Probably the hardest part was when my daughter called to say "Goodnight" each one of the nights her mother was gone. When my daughter called, my wife would not answer the phone. Or did not answer the phone. This was on Thursday night, Friday night and Saturday night. So each night, my daughter went to bed without having talked to her mother. It was sad. My daughter acted like a trooper, whatever that means and went to bed each night, not talking to her mother.

On Sunday morning my daughter called her mom. Not there or at least did not answer. My daughter even called one of her friend's and the friend told her (my daughter) that her mother just went to the store.

They did speak eventually that morning. And I want to make sure that I don't leave the impression that daughter and mother did not talk - they did - the each morning for a few minutes.

But, that Sunday, my daughter started crying, saying, "I have no mommy." That Sunday was a tough day. She went upstairs to her room crying. She asked for "alone time" which I gave her, but spoke to her and told her that what she was saying was not true. That she did have a mother.

To me it's sad. I try to call both morning and night, every night I am out of town. I never miss a night without having said, "Goodnight, daddy loves you."

Not Understanding the Prison of Alcoholism
Most people - who don't understand alcoholism - who would read this - would see this as a "one- time" event. But those of us in the throws of alcoholism, know that this is part of the disease. That the disease and selfishness go hand-in-hand. If you don't live in the house of alcoholism, you can never quite see the prison walls being constructed and the warden is the alcoholic and we are the prisoners to the alcoholics whims, fancies, and deceitfulness.

It is tough going. It is toughest with children. The impact on all of us is enormous. The impact is something no one quite understands, until you are living in the prison of the addiction.

I am living another one of those moments this morning, which delayed my post. My wife had plans this morning and my arrangements did not suit her. So she cancelled her arrangements and made herself the victim and me, the bad-guy. She never thinks how this might impact me or her daughter. What she wants to do, she does. As long as it looks good to the outside world.

This morning, I am angry and bitter. I was fine - until the selfishness raised its head.

I hope you all have a good Monday.

Al-Ateen Meeting

This post is about Al-Ateen and my daughter.

As you know from reading this blog, my wife left with her buddies for an out of town road trip. These are her ol'buddies, and every year, for the past few years they go together to escape the harrowing lives they live of playing tennis and coordinating house cleaners. They must get together to commiserate their intolerable situations, and drink to forget and decrease the amount of stress in their highly stressful lives.

OKAY. That was sarcastic as hell.

I am setting myself up to be the victim. Isn't Al-Anon great? (no sarcasm here). I am going to leave that little snit up there at the top of this post however, to demonstrate that I am still a little (or a lot?) resentful that my wife refuses to try to participate in reality. Well, what Al-Anon has taught me, is this; That's her life and I cannot control it. (Damn Al-Anon, again ;-) )

Al-Ateen Meeting
First, we did not go out of twon. (As you may recall from last week, earlier this week, I was trying to do something fun, since wife decided without seeing if it was convenient for us, that she was going to the lake/mountains two weeks after her rehab program was complete (which by the way she was drinking through the entire time - it was outpatient rehab not inpatient).

I thought about going pretty hard. In the end, I thought that I might be pampering my daughter if we did this. She said, later, that she wanted to stay home and take care of the dog and be with her friend. I must admit this too: I also have a problem spending money, even though we have enough. It is a carry-over from childhood. But I had decided to SPEND away! I am realizing "who cares" about money if you have happiness. (Damn.)

Also, I was able to find an Al-Ateen meeting at a decent hour (6:30PM). Traveling out of town would have put this meeting in jeopardy.

So I picked my daughter up from her school and had an early dinner. And drove up to the meeting. We got caught in 5 o'clock traffic.

Lesson Learned: Never allow child to go back for a Caffeine-Free Diet Coke refill and not expect to stop along the way. (We stopped three times in 25 minutes. You may remember my post Monday when I was pissed that my wife had her cell phone turned off while she was playing tennis and the school nurse tried to reach her and she wasn't able to take the call).

So we went. I was nervous. She (daughter) wasn't. Daughter is 10. Meeting room in back of a church. It was a new meeting. A man and a women "audit" and "run" the meeting. The meeting is new, but had 12 children show up! 12! I think it is in it's 5th or 6th week. Since it's for teens, they will break up meeting into two (2) groups. One group for 9 to 12 year olds. And second group of 13 to 16 year olds.

I went to the Al-Anon meeting in the building right next door.

My daughter was a strange type of peaceful when we left our respective meeting. She was peace and very aware yesterday afternoon when I picked her up and we had dinner. She was laughing and talking - strangely - very fluently for a 10 year old - or very differently from what I have seen before [with her mom being there? maybe daughter felt the center of attention, since mom was not there? or felt center of attention and a little nervous since she knew she was going to a meeting?]

Some "By the Ways" or Some Things You Should Know About This
The first "by the way:" my daughter [I hate calling her that, but I feel if I introduce her name to this blog, I destroy or violate some sort of "rule" I have about the anonymity and sacredness of my daugher, so I apologize for the clunkiness of the term, "my daughter."], has wanted to go to a meeting and has expressed a very very strong desire to go to my meetings and meet all the people. She has said, "I want to know I am not alone." And she has said, "I want to talk to people about how I feel."

Some more by the ways;
I am going to take her to my "therapist" (coach/mentor/guide/teacher/counselor/serpa). My daughter has expressed interest in meeting this lady.

Another by the way; my wife expressed, very much, her doubts about Al-Ateen. She said that the "counselor" at her rehab said that he discouraged it. I confronted her (yes I know, I confronted alcoholism) on Wednesday morning, when she said this. I said, "What exactly did he (the counselor) say?" I got a "Hem and a haw and a maybe and a sorta." That night at Family Night (they allow us family members to attend forever, no matter if the addict goes clean and sober or if they relapse), I asked the counselor and he said, "That's good that your daughter goes." And also, by the way, so did my therapist (serpa/guide/life coach/mentor).

After Al-Ateen Meeting
When my daughter and I got home she started reading the literature - right there at the kitchen counter. She said I am going to make a folder and binder out of the material. I asked if she wanted to talk about what she saw and heard there. She told me just a little bit, that no one talked, they pass around a stuffed animal she said and the animal means you can talk to the animal or just pass. They read from some of the literature she said. Then she said (because I told her about anonymity and what goes on there stays there), and this is funny, "Daddy, this is my meeting. Will you tell me what went on in yours?" I said, "No. I can't." She laughed, and said, "See!!" We both started laughing. Like I said, it was a very strange, peaceful evening.

She wanted to call her mom (I started to put the word mom in quotes. Is that some sort of Freudian thing?). She did but her mother did not answer. That was weird. It was 8:50PM. But my daughter thought nothing of it, apparently or least she did not get upset. I suggested that she call her mom's friend. But daughter said, "No. That's ok. I want to read." (This the same friend of my wife's that I called to apologized to for telling her that she needed to go to Al-Anon to see what alcoholism is all about, since she is instrumental for taking my wife out of town with all her buddies.)

So, we went upstairs got ready for bed and she opened up the red Al-Ateen book. I showed her how to read it by going to the index and finding the topic or subject on what she may want to learn more about or what is bothering her.

So she went to bed/sleep a few moments later. But not before say this. "Daddy, I want to go back there next week, OK?" I said, "So you liked it?" "Yes daddy. I did." She said.

I now have a label for Al-Ateen.

A Character Defect?

"A character defect?" is the title of this post. It is probably better to write "What Can Be A Character Defect?" I read in the Al-Anon book, "Hope for Today" the other night a great passage. And I want to share it with you.

As we all know by now, Al-Anon is for us. The people who are affected by alcoholism. But I believe Al-Anon could be useful for anyone, even those unaffected by alcoholism. For the right meeting is about just good living tools - practical guidelines, that not everyone received growing up.

My Program
I am working on Step 1. Step 1 is about admitting your life in unmanagable because of alcohol. It says very specifically, alcohol - not the alcoholic - not the person.

Step 1 is a hard one for me. It says, "I am powerless." This is hard for me, because it means I have to surrender. I am not a quitter. But everytime I fight the alcoholic - I am really fighting alcohol. When I realize this I am OK.

When you want to fight with the alcholic because he or she acts arrogant and smug, we become locked into a "death dance." We are actually feeding the alcohol and the disease. It is making the alcohol stronger and more righteous. It makes us angry and frustrated. Do you understand this?

Our best defense or offense is to say "We are powerless over alcohol." And therefore not feed it. We - that means you, Joseph - must realize that we have to not address her or the alcohol. Right now we have to remember we are powerless over alcohol.

So, back to the passage. If you go to the index in this book - or any Al-Anon book, (like the labels to the below and to the right, on this Blog) you can find all the readings and issues to help you get over the moment or issue you are struggling with.

So, I go to the index and look for about "Powerlessness." I go to page 59, where I find a great reading. The passage goes like this, and these are my words how I interpret them;

"As a child [or a spouse] of an alcoholic, I was powerless over the criticism [or conflict] Note: my words are in brackets.

To survive this upbringing I had to develop defenses. When I no longer needed these defenses, these defenses became character defects.

As an adult, I was still powerless over the effects of my father's [spouse's] abuse.

It was the effects of alcoholism over which I was powerless!

The awareness helped me take my first step. I realized that my father [spouse] had been just as powerless over his alcoholic father as I had been over him. When my father was a little boy, he didn't say, 'When I grow up, I want to be an alcoholic.' This understanding and insight brought me compassion and forgiveness for my father [spouse]."

This makes sense. What if the crap I learned to shield my self-esteem fighting with alcoholism have become a habit that is now holding me back? They have in essence become "character defects."

This is why I think Al-Anon is good for me. I like insightful things that I haven't considered, even though they are so intuitively obvious now that I have read it.

I must take action to correct these things. The good news is this; that all Al-Anon members are working the same issues. And they support you in getting these things fixed. The key is within you.

Letter to a Child

I pulled this from a website a while back. It is a good letter in that it may provide an idea or two for parents.

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Are you a kid with a mom or dad that drinks too much? This is a letter that was written by a child of an alcoholic who is grown-up. No two familes are exactly alike, but maybe you have some similar feelings.

Hello:

I'll bet you feel all alone when your mom or dad drinks too much, because maybe you think that no one else's mom or dad drinks like yours. Or maybe you think that no one knows how you feel. Do you know that there are plenty of kids your age who feel exactly like you, because their parents drink too much? I know how you feel, because one of my parents is an alcoholic too.

It's not easy. When I was your age, I felt so alone. Every time my parent started drinking, I had that funny feeling in my stomach that something wasn't right. I was scared to tell anyone. I wondered why I had a parent who drank so much.

I always wondered if I did anything to make my parent drink. None of my friends could spend the night at my house because I never knew when it would start. I didn't want my friends to know what went on in my house; besides, when my parent started to drink I never knew what would happen. I didn't want anyone to know what a mess it was when the drinking started. I felt ashamed, and believed my house was REALLY different from everybody else's.

When I grew up I moved away from my confusing house, and I began to meet other people who had alcoholic parents. I talked a lot to these people about how it was in my house, and I didn't feel embarrassed because they talked about what went on in their houses when their parents started drinking. I realized that other people had the same kinds of confusing things happen to them. Some people came from homes that were more messed up than mine, and other people came from homes that didn't have as many problems as mine did. But I realized one thing: that all the time when I was a kid, when I thought I was alone and the only one with parents who drank too much, I WASN'T.

You aren't the only one with parents who drink too much. There are a lot of us here.

If you would like to learn more facts about alcoholism, click here. Maybe these things will help you understand a little bit better, and maybe you won't blame yourself the next time your parents drink too much.

Your friend,
An adult child of an alcoholic

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For more resources and fun stuff, check out the National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information's (NCADI) Kids Only Area. Click on this to get to link

A List for All Times

A list for all times. Titled "Counseling Notes." On the counter of the kitchen was this list. This list was put together by my daughter. I unsure who the counselor is except the counselor at school, although these look like a list I prepared for her about a year ago in the form of affirmations.

I will find out about this list and how did she come up with such a beautiful things. It's a list for all, young and old, home or at work.

Here it is, in it's entirety, as it was handwritten.

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Counseling Notes

Fri Jan. 18, 08

E.Q. How can we show that we are responsible?

what to do now
- do what we are told with a good attitude
- to do homework/academics before play
- use kind word
- do thing without being told
- be organized
- appropriate clothing
- remember
- use manners
- prepared for classes
- be on time
- be honest
- blame yourself first than other
- responsibility for actions
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How Dr. Phil Fixed Himself

Self Help: How Dr. Phil Fixed Himself . . . overcoming alcoholism in his family. I saw this online. This is an interview with TV host Dr. Phil and Readers Digest. I post this today, providing all of us with hope, especially parents, but also us who are children of parents. We can prevail and overcome.

Without giving an opinion of Dr. Phil, I have a different view of him based upon this interview. His father was a binge drinker, and apparently didn't get the guidance from his father.

Here is the article / interview:

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After a tough childhood, Phil McGraw figured out how to fix himself -- and the rest of us too.
by Laura Yorke
From Reader's Digest
April 2005




By today's standards, Phillip C. McGraw -- better known as Dr. Phil -- has every right to be a mess. As the son of a binge-drinking alcoholic, he lived through cycles of dysfunction and near-poverty. He went to work early, not to earn spending money, but to help put food on the table. Not always the best kid, at times, Phil says now, he basically raised himself.

So why didn't he derail, like so many people would, and spend his life victimized and immobilized by his past? "That was not an option," McGraw says. Each afternoon, nearly seven million Americans tune in to "Dr. Phil" to watch him give his guests a dose of the no-whining advice he once gave himself. McGraw's motto -- "Get real" -- comes from having lived through his own ugly times, and having made himself better for it.

McGraw earned his doctorate in clinical psychology in 1979 and went into private practice in Wichita Falls, Texas. He eventually became a litigation consultant, and in 1996 was called in by Oprah Winfrey's attorneys for help in a lawsuit filed by a group of Texas cattlemen over comments she'd made about mad cow disease. After she won the case, Winfrey invited McGraw to share his problem-solving tips with her viewers, and soon he had his very own audience -- and show.

He refers to himself unconvincingly as a "reformed workaholic." Author of 10 bestselling books, McGraw and Robin, his wife of 28 years, live in Los Angeles with their sons, Jay, 25, also a talk-show host and author, and Jordan, 18, who will start Southern Methodist University in the fall.

RD: You had a traumatic childhood. How did it shape who you've become?
McGraw: My mother was and is so loving, but she had to work all the time. I had an alcoholic father -- basically a binge drinker. I had sisters who married in high school to escape, and I just had absolutely no leadership whatsoever. A lot of what I ultimately defined myself to be was a reaction against that. My dad was beaten and abused by his mother all through his childhood. She was a mean, vicious woman. I knew what he grew up with and why he was so embittered, but it doesn't make it any easier to live with.

RD: Especially when you're a child.
McGraw: He was never abusive with me or my sisters. He drank to escape. We were living in Denver when I was in the fourth, fifth and sixth grades. He was a tool pusher essentially, sold drill bits to oil-drilling companies. He entertained the drillers, the buyers, constantly.

So he was out every night, drinking. It got so bad that he either quit or got fired -- as a kid you never know. All of a sudden, we were out of a job. He said, "I'm going to go back to get my PhD in psychology." He was admitted to the University of Oklahoma, so we moved to Oklahoma City. For that period of time, he didn't drink at all. He just quit.

RD: You must have respected that.
McGraw: I did, but it came with a price because when he was drinking, we had jobs and money. When he quit, we traded alcoholism for being dirt-poor. We lived with my older sister, who was married and had an 1,100-square-foot house. We threw paper routes for a living. We had one 52 miles long. I did that one in a car with my dad every morning at 4:30 or 5, and every afternoon I had a paper route that I threw off my bike. It wasn't my allowance. That was our food money. When it came time to collect for the paper, you'd go get $1.15 for that month. If you didn't come home with the money, you didn't eat. Even at 12 I understood the reality of "you don't work, you don't eat." It was that simple. That's why now I'm so accountable and so results-oriented.

RD: What happened when your dad finished the PhD program?
McGraw: He had to go to Kansas City for his internship. We couldn't afford to take the family, but he said, "My son needs to be with his dad." So off we went. We lived in an apartment with no utilities, right near the high school.

RD: Was he drinking then?
McGraw: As soon as he got a real job, he started again. He had every Wednesday afternoon off, and every Thursday morning I would have to go find the car. He'd go off and get drunk and leave the car and come home in a cab. I'd have to get receipts out of his pocket and go downtown and find the car. I'm only 15. I don't even have a driver's license, but I'm down there, finding the car and driving through rush hour to get home.

RD: One of the ways you built up your self-esteem was through sports.
McGraw: That gave me a place to distinguish myself. I was very team-oriented, and I took pride in doing well. I was also an angry kid, and it was an outlet for the anger. It was entertainment for the family too. They really looked forward to those games.

RD: So you began to realize that if you take action, things happen.
McGraw: I saw my sisters making certain decisions, and I said, "I'm not going to do that." I'd see my dad drink, and I'd say, "I don't want to see myself in that condition." I said, "I'm going to choose different things." They weren't all good choices.

RD: What was a bad choice for you?
McGraw: My friends were not the best citizens. At 13, 14 years old, we were racing cars, prowling around all night. They'd steal the family car and off we'd go joyriding at 120 mph.

RD: Did you reconcile with your dad before he died?
McGraw: Absolutely. My dad is an enigma, to be sure. In his later life he quit drinking again. In his late 60s, he went back to school to study theology so he could preach and teach. We were there at his graduation. He died at 69. If he was drinking, I just couldn't be around him, and if he wasn't, we got along just fine.

RD: You've talked about finding meaning in suffering. What do you mean by that?
McGraw: Everybody at some point is going to have adversity. I think if we don't learn from that, then it was just a penalty. But if you use it, then it becomes tuition. I draw a lot on my personal experiences. It's hard for people to con me, because I'm a pretty street-smart guy. Some husband comes on my show and tries to tell me he's not really a workaholic? I say, "You're talking to one. I've been there."

RD: Are there families who come on your show but whom you feel you just can't help?
McGraw: I've never been under the misapprehension that I'm doing eight-minute cures on television. But I think that 50 percent of the solution to any problem lies in defining it first. I can be an emotional compass that points them down the path, but the real work will start when they walk off the stage.

RD: What inspired you to write your weight-loss book?
McGraw: Obesity has absolutely ravaged my family. I lost my father probably 10 years early because of complications with obesity. I have two nephews who are over 500 pounds. I have a sister who's 300 pounds. I have aunts who are 350, 375. My whole family -- I've watched them become so infirm they dropped out of life. And I have issues with blood sugar that caused me to adopt a certain lifestyle. Probably 300 days a year, I work out twice a day. It's really important to me and my family.

RD: I understand you and Robin and your two sons are an incredibly tight-knit family. What would you say is the greatest value system that you, the McGraws, have? What runs you guys?
McGraw: It may sound trite, but it's really family first. Our family and its priorities, needs, values, come before everything else -- work, recreation, whatever. When I say family first, that means marriage also, because our belief has always been that one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a good marriage between their mom and dad, so they don't wind up living in an emotionally barren environment or a divorce situation.

I've often said that when kids show up, it's awful easy to stop being friends and lovers and start being moms and dads, and we never made that mistake. While Robin was pregnant the first time, we talked about it and committed -- we're not going to allow children to get in the way of that.

RD: You've said that parents need to be "actively present." What does that mean?
McGraw: You have to sit down and say, "How do we define success?" If you haven't asked yourself that question and you don't have a good measurable answer, then I think you're missing the point. We have sat down and talked about what would be an absolute home run for the McGraw family at 10 years, 15 years, 20 years.

RD: What's an example of a home run for your family?
McGraw: First off that your family is a soft place to fall for everybody in it -- that each child and the mother and father knows inside those four walls "I'm accepted. I'm loved. And I give that to everybody else." Then you have to say, "Do I do that on a day-to-day basis? Do I really, no kidding, make my children feel they're safe and secure and valued and welcomed?"

RD: What if you're both working and have only X amount of time?
McGraw: It's how you spend the time you have. But, frankly, you have to make sacrifices. If you're a double-income family because you want to live in a nice house and drive nice cars, you need to revisit that. I'll promise you, in the long run you or your kids will be happier living in a house half the size, driving 10-year-old cars, if you have time to attend all their school programs or help with homework.

RD: What if you just don't have that option?
McGraw: Then you have to have some strategies to maximize the time you have. Single parents need to be really good delegators. From the time children are two, four or five, they need to be contributing to running the house -- pick up their toys, help with dishes, take out the trash -- so it's not a constant task-management situation where Mom's either working at work or working at home. We can do these things together, so a) you're sharing time, and b) they get done quicker and you're left to say, "Now, let's go to the park." You want to do something where you have to engage the children.

RD: How do you feel you've succeeded as a parent?
McGraw: Our approach was that if Robin and I fell off the world tomorrow, would our boys be equipped to manage their lives, would they have the values, work ethic and goals-management skills they needed to go forward? I think they would. You know, last Christmas, Jordan asked me what I wanted, and I said, "Two hours a week, you and me, my agenda." He has not missed once.

RD: Good for you.
McGraw: His nickname is Peteski, and he comes and says, "Peteski time?" My agenda is to just sit down and talk, because he's heading off to college. We've talked about drinking. We've talked about life management. We've looked at "When you get to school, we need to create your support system."

RD: Is there a part of your life where you could use a Dr. Phil?
McGraw: I have my wife. Robin keeps me pretty much in line. She is a great checkpoint for me, and she is one of the strongest, most intelligent and self-directed people I know. Robin is my Dr. Phil.

On-line Al-Anon Meeting on: On Children

The effects of children living with alcoholism is the subject of this weekend's On-line Al-Anon Meeting. If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting. The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 2/1/08 and runs to Sunday 2/3/08 evening.

A Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

This is where we start. To get us started here is from Ashley. Thank You Ashley.

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Ashley; "On the topic of children, I found this reading in One Day at a Time (page 179). I don't have any of the alateen literature, but would love to hear from anyone who does.

"We who really try to use the Al-anon program have various reasons to be grateful as we see the results. This was one member's experience, which she told her friends at a meeting.

Her greatest difficulty concerned her children. "I never knew what to do about them when my husband came home drunk and disorderly. I felt they should be shielded from violence, yet overprotection wouldn't be good for them. I didn't want to influence them against their father; I knew he loved them, and they him."

"I found all the answers in Al-Anon. I made sensible explanations about their father's illness and found them naturally compassionate. I avoided scenes by not allowing my frustrations to erupt into anger. I tried hard to be consistent and fair to them. The results have been everything I hoped for, and I am so grateful to Al-Anon for this."

Today's Reminder
Our children are a first thing to consider first. Our attitude is the key to a successful family relationship -- and their normal growing up.

And above all, I never use the children as pawns in any conflicts. They respond so well to respect.

I've found that as I grow in Al-Anon recovery, my attitude towards my husband has changed significantly. Where before, our children would hear us arguing at all hours of the day or night, now they don't. They are happier, their parents are happier and all in all, their lives are much better.

One of the most difficult things that I had to accept is my own part in our arguments. Once I realized that my actions and reactions were a large part of our problems, I started to work on it. Things have improved tremendously in our household, which has only benefited the kids.

All that being said, my husband isn't violent when he drinks, he also doesn't drive so I've never really had to worry about either of those things. (He can get very angry when he drinks, but if I don't feed that by arguing back, it doesn't manifest).

I don't know if this helps anyone or not, but I can attest that my children are in a much better place mentally and spiritually since I started attending Al-Anon.
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Please Comment to add your ideas on what has worked for you; what you may be feeling on this subject. Or if you have a burning concern please apply your posts here

The Black Cloud of Alcoholic Chaos

REWRITTEN at 4PM ET Wednesday.
The black cloud of alcoholic chaos is when the household is embattled with alcoholism. Here is what happens, at least in my observations in meetings, in our home and my research. It may not fit your experience, but I will bet it comes close.

When the drinking reaches a certain stage for the alcoholic, it is the spouse of the family that is the first one to detect that alcohol may be an issue. It is seen in crazy behavior; missed appointments, calling in sick to work, hidden bottles, abusive language, a lack of responsibility, laziness, insecurity, etc.

We try to help by; keeping the appointments for the alcoholic, accepting the abusive behavior, making excuses, and so on. Soon the situation is unmanageable. But because it's a little bit over time, we barely notice we have accepted behavior we never would have accepted before, and because it's a little over time, we pick up the responsibilities of the alcoholic. The scenario is like the boiling frog in the pan story (I posted this frog story in another post in this blog somewhere).

Help for the alcoholic is almost everywhere. Unfortunately, help for the family is scarce. What we find is that the research, books and articles mostly focus on the behaviors of the alcoholic - (which we ALL read in hopes for us to fix the alcoholic - don't we?).

As the alcoholic's drinking increases, it becomes the primary focus of the alcoholics world. Perhaps even worse, it becomes a major, if not the major focus, of everyone else in the family.

We, as members of the family and other loved ones, are forced by the indirect controlling behaviors of the alcoholic to ignore our own needs. Often, we ignore the needs of our children, in order to keep the household functioning. We don't ignore the needs of our children purposely, but the attention in on the alcoholic. All eyes on his body language. We ask ourselves; "Is he in a good mood?" And, "How much has he had to drink?" And we all hide our feelings or adjust our own feelings and moods to suit his.

Further, we try to put on this facade to the outside world looking in. That is, we hide what is going on in our homes and present to the world that the household is functioning normally. We do this with child who may have to "overachieve" to compensate. This overachievement comes in good grades, star athelete or some other form. Another child might be humorous - the funny little guy, who vys for attention or throws the attention somewhere away from the home. Or the rebel, the child who starts cutting class, or drinks with his or her friends, or smokes pot.

But make no mistake about this. This black cloud places a huge burden on all of us in the family. The more we try to "keep up" the facade, the harder it becomes and bigger the burden we carry. As indiviuals, we put on a mask to hide our problem and our fears in public. In some cases, we avoid going out - we isolate ourslves to escape and cope.

We do not ask for help because we don't want to be found out, we are embarrassed in some cases, we don't think anyone can help us, we are not sure how they could help or could possibly understand. And we are too busy to ask for help, except in the form of help financially when the chips are down, or the bills stack up. May be we ask a neighbor to watch the children if we are lucky. But in the way of help - we are left to fend for ourselves. We are fighting a multi-headed dragon with cooked spagetti. (a bad analogy - but you get the drift)

What we may do is try to talk the alcoholic out of drinking. We try to "fix" the alcoholic. We appear to make progress. But then we are stymied. The world unravels when he or she doesn't show up when the promised, doesn't do what they agreed to, won't go to work, does what they want to when they want etc. They begin to develop this "screw you" attitude.

And whenever we think we are managing "it" all, (barely - we are barely hanging in there), we are thwarted by the unforeseen chaos of the alcoholic. It may come in the form of an unpaid bill, or a traffic ticket or accident, or falling down in the front yard.

And then we have the normal pressures of life. A child gets sick. A child fights in school. A child fails a couple of tests. A child is angry - going through puberty. And we begin to think - "Is this normal?" Or is the child's reactions (sickness, fighting, failing, anger) part of the reaction to what is going on in the house.

So, with the alcoholic focused on the drink, and focused on himself or herself - the pressure is building. And now, after a while - perhaps they hit their 40's or 50's, they slowly or quickly, start to disintegrate. They look old. Their face looks really bad.Their mental processes are not functioning. Their eyesight gets worse. They get RA. They get artheritus. Their body fat breaks down. They are angry most of the time. They are falling apart.

And we literally feel a sense of dread every time we walk back in the house. Especially when the alcoholic is there.

It's like a black cloud hangs over our house. It is in many ways - the house itself feels very heavy. You can feel the dread of everyone involved. It becomes very distressing.

It is - what I call "the chaos of alcoholism" and the ensuing "black cloud" on the home. And no one, but no one, can understand this pain and sickness. There is no judge, no court, no jury, no lawyer, social worker that could ever imagine the sickness going on in the house. You have to be there to feel it. And that's what has to happen. Spend a day or two here and you too know what is going on. It in entirely unmanageable. And incomprehensible.

Next post to this blog - what happens to our children and what roles do they tend to take?

Please provide your feedback. I would be grateful if you think I am accurate in my depiction or not.

Alcoholism and Our Dance with It

I feel compelled to write about our dance with alcoholism. On this post, I risk identifying who I am, a little bit, at least to those who know me from counselling where my wife is in outpatient rehab.

This will be a series. For there is too much information to provide in one post to this blog.

First let me make sure to all, I am like you. I may be a male, while you are a female. I may be a father, whereby you are a mother. I may be a husband, whereby you are a wife. I read a lot on this subject, perhaps too much. I am not a councillor. My knowledge only lies in my living it. I can write about it objectively. But at times, I suck at putting my knowledge into practice. My wife is my qualifier (what a strange word Al-Anon uses for the alcoholic in our lives). My father was also a drinker - I was raised by my mother - who is a SAINT - along with 3 brothers.

We all (my brothers) survived by the way. We are all very successful (success = good jobs, happy, nice looking, well meaning, courteous, etc). We do have our little issues, as I believe everyone does. I write this to provide hope to other moms and dads reading this. We are all scared - and I do mean scared, about the future and how this impacts our children. But I am convinced, we can all be OK in the end.

The counselling session that opened my eyes WIDE.

In one session at family night the therapist (and I will cut this down from an hour to 10 minutes), called a "volunteer" from the circle of 30 people (family members and alcoholics) to stand in the center of the circle (we all sit in chairs in a circle). Then we moved the circle to a "U" shape

This volunteer (A) was the alcoholic. He was placed and stood at the head of the open "U" shape in the front of the room. The therapist placed the volunteer (A) on a big phone book. "What does this represent? He asked. "Represents - he is not grounded." was the answer. Then the therapist placed a glass in the hands of (A).

A wife (or spouse) was called up - another volunteer (S = spouse). While (A) was facing us, (S) stood to his side, facing the alcoholic left side of his shoulder. This made her (S) looking at the (A) and the glass. (S) was standing right next to (A) - very close - eyes on (A) and the glass. Again - the (A) was looking out at us in the U pattern of chairs.

Note - try to visualize this for a second.

Now enter the first child. A volunteer was brought up representing a child. (By the way no children are in the room nor are they allowed - for they are too young.) Volunteer (C1) is the first born. The child was placed - guess where?

(C1) was placed behind mom or (S). This was the "perfect child." Usually first born. But facing mom's back. Helping mom or (S) maintain the household. Getting great grades, star in school. But still facing mom's back - who is looking at the alcoholic.

(I will place a diagram here - later)

Now introduce the rest of the children. C2 was out further in almost like an orbit, as was C3, and C4 (although C4 sat in a chair behind the three in. One child represented the child who acted out. Another was the "lost" child - usually last born who was (C4). The family was all doing it's "thing" to "keep the eyes on the alcoholic."

But the children were playing roles too. They wanted attention and were vying for it.

The message here - again - I risk doing this important example injustice - but this "orbit" and "eyes on the alcoholic and the other children playing supporting roles because of the alcoholic in the family was/is critical."

Breaking the "eyes on the alcoholic" and the dance - in which our entire family is affected - is what we must try to do. I am going to add, "in a loving kind way," for our children and, and this is important, for us too. You and I are important. AND you and I should never forget that or feel guilty for caring about ourselves. And, this is NOT selfishness. I learned this today - the part that you should love yourself and care for yourself - that this is not selfish.

I will show a diagram later - when I can - later this week.

I pray you all are well.

Your friend - Joe

PEACE!

PS - This post was written for me probably more than anyone else today.

Monday With Mom (continued)

Mom's departing advice. (See previous BLOG POST for more information and advice. You may recall, I came to visit mom while on a business trip. I am still here. Returning home today.)

Before I tell you the advice she gave me, you should know she spent over 30 years living with an alcoholic. We all grew up okay (whatever okay is today). My brother is a doctor (renown in his field), my brother is an entrepreneur (very successful), other brothers have good jobs, sister is writer and has full time job. All are "normal." I guess this is mom's resume and qualifications.

Here is the advice:
"Your main job is getting your daughter raised. Teach her what you know about things. Teach her how to run, read, study, get along with people and so on. Teach, teach, teach. And sometimes when she "doesn't want to" - you have to "force" her to do something." (I use the word "force" as I would "encourage" and "give no option". For example, get the tennis racket and go hit tennis balls, or teach her to stand correctly when hitting the balls. Or take her to the museum and "force" her to see things and experience things the TV or couch cannot provide. This is what I mean by "force." Just want to make sure you don't visualize me grabbing her and throwing her into a car!).

"Your wife ..." she went on to say ".....can only get better with her own doing. You cannot make her get better. So don't allow the family to be focused on the alcoholic by you becoming focused on the alcoholic. You can be supportive, but you must try to live your life as normally as possible so this can be a role model and example for her to live by."

Wow. This struck me hard this morning. I hope this helps you.

Best wishes