Alcoholism and Our Dance with It

I feel compelled to write about our dance with alcoholism. On this post, I risk identifying who I am, a little bit, at least to those who know me from counselling where my wife is in outpatient rehab.

This will be a series. For there is too much information to provide in one post to this blog.

First let me make sure to all, I am like you. I may be a male, while you are a female. I may be a father, whereby you are a mother. I may be a husband, whereby you are a wife. I read a lot on this subject, perhaps too much. I am not a councillor. My knowledge only lies in my living it. I can write about it objectively. But at times, I suck at putting my knowledge into practice. My wife is my qualifier (what a strange word Al-Anon uses for the alcoholic in our lives). My father was also a drinker - I was raised by my mother - who is a SAINT - along with 3 brothers.

We all (my brothers) survived by the way. We are all very successful (success = good jobs, happy, nice looking, well meaning, courteous, etc). We do have our little issues, as I believe everyone does. I write this to provide hope to other moms and dads reading this. We are all scared - and I do mean scared, about the future and how this impacts our children. But I am convinced, we can all be OK in the end.

The counselling session that opened my eyes WIDE.

In one session at family night the therapist (and I will cut this down from an hour to 10 minutes), called a "volunteer" from the circle of 30 people (family members and alcoholics) to stand in the center of the circle (we all sit in chairs in a circle). Then we moved the circle to a "U" shape

This volunteer (A) was the alcoholic. He was placed and stood at the head of the open "U" shape in the front of the room. The therapist placed the volunteer (A) on a big phone book. "What does this represent? He asked. "Represents - he is not grounded." was the answer. Then the therapist placed a glass in the hands of (A).

A wife (or spouse) was called up - another volunteer (S = spouse). While (A) was facing us, (S) stood to his side, facing the alcoholic left side of his shoulder. This made her (S) looking at the (A) and the glass. (S) was standing right next to (A) - very close - eyes on (A) and the glass. Again - the (A) was looking out at us in the U pattern of chairs.

Note - try to visualize this for a second.

Now enter the first child. A volunteer was brought up representing a child. (By the way no children are in the room nor are they allowed - for they are too young.) Volunteer (C1) is the first born. The child was placed - guess where?

(C1) was placed behind mom or (S). This was the "perfect child." Usually first born. But facing mom's back. Helping mom or (S) maintain the household. Getting great grades, star in school. But still facing mom's back - who is looking at the alcoholic.

(I will place a diagram here - later)

Now introduce the rest of the children. C2 was out further in almost like an orbit, as was C3, and C4 (although C4 sat in a chair behind the three in. One child represented the child who acted out. Another was the "lost" child - usually last born who was (C4). The family was all doing it's "thing" to "keep the eyes on the alcoholic."

But the children were playing roles too. They wanted attention and were vying for it.

The message here - again - I risk doing this important example injustice - but this "orbit" and "eyes on the alcoholic and the other children playing supporting roles because of the alcoholic in the family was/is critical."

Breaking the "eyes on the alcoholic" and the dance - in which our entire family is affected - is what we must try to do. I am going to add, "in a loving kind way," for our children and, and this is important, for us too. You and I are important. AND you and I should never forget that or feel guilty for caring about ourselves. And, this is NOT selfishness. I learned this today - the part that you should love yourself and care for yourself - that this is not selfish.

I will show a diagram later - when I can - later this week.

I pray you all are well.

Your friend - Joe

PEACE!

PS - This post was written for me probably more than anyone else today.