Al-Anon Step Four (4)

As a little bay - I remember that I avoided looking at instructions of toys. I put things together as I thought they should be. As I write this sentence, it looks strange and feels even stranger.

Recently I thought about this and asked myself, "Why did I try to build airplane models without referring to instructions?" It never worked out. I always had an extra piece or two. Even as I got older I put together other things without referring to instructions. Even electronics I hardly looked at the instructions - I just assumed I could work it just by trial and error.

Duh. Pretty dumb . . .

Did I think I could figure things out without referring to any instructions? Was it because I did not want help?

Wow! I did not want help. Is that what I am writing? I still don't want help . . . I don't want to be a bother to people. This can be part of the issue of being affected by alcoholics; doing it on my own. I don't want to bother anyone. I even said that to people who know of my situation and are there for me.


BACK TO STEP 4 - And Tying In the Point Above
I have digressed. Back to the point, but this is related to instructions. I have until this very second resisted working the 12 Steps. And here I want to relate Step 4 and how it could help us and our self-esteem.

When I first heard Step 4 - "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves" I immediately went negative. I assumed that I would have to list ALL MY DEFECTS. I did not want to list my defects. I don't need to visualize this and harp on my faults. But then I read the Courage to Change book. One of the things the books says is to make a list of your positives.

It is about listing is was working in your life! Wow! This is a firm psychological principle. Work on the positive. Build upon the successful things. It is also something I have learned in consulting and coaching people in business. Build on the positives, mitigate the negatives. Or eliminate the things you don't do well. You may know it if you are in business or work as "Focus on your core competencies." Or as the song says, "Accentuate the positive."

This is not exactly what Step 4 is, but it's pretty darn close!!

In the book, Courage to Change, page 181 - it refers to Step 4 and self-esteem.The passage states that resistance to this Step (or any other) may be something you should look at. See if this resistance is trying to teach you something or tell you something about yourself - that you may need right now.

OK - so let's do this to build our self-esteem;
Make a list of everything you do well! And build from there.

So often we work on what on what we don't do well. And then we get frustrated, quit and stop. And say, "what's the use?"

What if we worked on what we did well? And branched out from these things by seeing how we could enlarge what it is that we do well, that we like to do, and make that circle a little wider? Enlarging the circle over time.

Let's today focus ALL our energies on what we do well and discard past labels of ourselves that we received from parents, friends, bosses, co-workers, relatives, - all the people who thought they were helping us (and some who were probably trying to hurt us because they knew no better).

Let's make a list of all the negative labels we received. Labels like you are lazy, incompetent, slow, not good at sports, don't look good in that bathing suit, and so on . . . Make the list and put it over on the side of the desk.

Now make a list of all the things we do well. Things we like to do. And look at that list. These are your assets! These are the things you like to do and you continue to do well. Keep adding to the list.

Look back at the negative list. You may find one or two items you ought to work on. But not the whole list! There are some things - one, two or three items, that maybe you could and ought to improve on. They just need to be rephrased in the positive. Instead of you are lazy - maybe it is I can do better in managing my time by not volunteering so much; or by making a list; or scheduling better.

Next, take the negative list. Save it for this weekend. And when you wake up Saturday morning - go out in your backyard with a pack of matches and burn it. Hold it in air and let it go! Or build a big fire in your fireplace. Make a ritual of this. Burn it and say good-bye to it. And let's all forget about our labels that someone gave us.

Now look at the positive list and let's review it several times a day. Rewrite the list and use this to go forward - today - tomorrow and forever!!!! Every day rewrite your list in the first person affirmative, like; I am a good reader. I am excellent at work. I am one of the best at . . .

Let's focus on what we do well. That's positive and esteem building!!

Good Luck TODAY!!