To The Alcoholic's Spouse - 3rd Letter

Letter Number 3 (New Day Dawning Series)
Prior Letters:
Letter Number 1 (click here)
Letter Number 2 (click here)

An Open Letter to You (the person living in the chaos of alcoholism);

Date: Today (the Third Day of a New Day Dawning for YOU.)

Alright, we know there is some anger, resentment, hurt, pain and depression in all of us. We grieve. And grieving is OK. But grieving forever is not in our blood. Grieving forever is not in your DNA.

Today is YOUR wake up call. You are not going to talk to the alcoholic about their problem. That is, THEIR problem. So let them handle THEIR problem.

YOUR problem is big enough that YOU need to focus on YOU and YOUR PROBLEM. You do have one don't you? Sure you do. You have been fighting, arguing, trying to control an uncontrollable situation. The hurricane, or tornado comes into the kitchen and you see the tornado and you want to stop it from spinning.

You see all the chaos in the tornado; the cars, the house, the papers, the people, - all the stuff flying around the alcoholic. And, . . . where are you?

Are you in the tornado too? Are you creating part of the spinning? If you are honest, sure you are. Or you have been. But that is in the past for you! Your past words and actions have helped the crap in tornado to spin faster. Again, that's the past. Right?

Two Questions:

1. What if you can stop it - the tornado? Would you?
2. What if the same method you used in the past was only adding to the chaos? Would you stop it then?

The answer to both questions is undoubtedly a big bold, screaming; "YESSSSS!!! "

And you might just add; "Of course, damn it!!!" to the sentence.

Let's add another reason to stop it -

You see that little moon over at the side of the blog? It's surrounded by blue skies and yellow stars. It reminds me (me = the author of this blog) of my daughter and her favorite book "Mr. Moon." I am not sure why it reminds me of the book Mr. Moon, but it does.

So like me, you need to get well. You need to get a continuous flow of good days back to back. And the only way to do this, is this, . . . and this is the magic and secret formula. Are you ready? It's not what your natural inclination is to do . . .

Are you sure you can handle it? OK. Here it is;

1. Step 1. Stop trying to fix the alcoholic!
2. Step 2. Stop trying to talk the alcoholic into getting sober! This is part of Step 1.
3. Step 3. Stop helping the alcoholic do the things he can do for himself (herself).
4. Step 4. Start focusing on your well-being. Start fixing yourself. So, what help have you received today?

Step 4 is the foundation of Steps 1 through 3. And it is a complete reversal of what we think we ought to do. We think if we do Steps 1 thru 3, then we can do Step 4! Nooooooo! It doesn't work that way. In fact, just doing Step 4, and only Step 4, will keep you from doing Steps 1 thru 3. And you won't have to WORK SO HARD!!!!

Stop thinking that you can do it all yourself. You cannot change without getting help. I am not advocating therapy - although finding the right therapist may help you get more help. I am not necessarily advocating Al-Anon, although the right meeting and doing this on a regular basis may help you get more help.

But today, I want you to do these things. First make sure you read letters 1 and 2 and do the actions outlined in Letter 2. Then do the Steps below . . .

Today, you are going to redirect this negative energy you and I know we have. Know that being pissed off, and depressed, takes a lot of energy. It zaps us. And we cannot sleep and we eat stuff that is terrible and it sits in our digestive system making us feel tired, sluggish and snippy (short, hostile, not fun to be around).

We are going to go on a 21 DAY MENTAL DIET. Here is the 21 Day Mental Diet;

1. I eat only healthy foods and I drink plenty of water. (I stop eating crap). And, I exercise regularly. Alright, this is physical, not mental. (I am not perfect!)
2. I get up early every morning and read something inspiring. I feed my mind with positive material. For me, for me to get well, I am reading the Al-Anon literature. And right now reading at the same time, psychology books (for me!!!!).
3. I am attending Al-Anon meetings.
4. Then I write out my "learnings" (a new word I made up) in a notebook. Writing helps me quiet my mind. I do this in the morning and at night. And maybe for good measure, at lunch time too.
5. I do not engage in talk about fixing my alcoholic in my life. I stop obsessing about it.
6. I stop complaining about people and I stop judging people. If I have nothing nice to say, I say nothing.
7. I stop doing for the alcoholic and others, what they could and should be doing for themselves. This is hard, I know. You are "keeping it together." But today and from now on, you ask, "Can they be doing this themselves? And should they?" If the answer is "Yes" to these, YOU SAY; "No." Or "No, I have other things to do that will prevent me from doing this." No "I am sorry." No reasons and explanation is required.

Try these for just 21 days. These actions will turn your life around. And you will be on the path - if not the highway - to recovery - for YOU. As a by-product, your alcoholic spouse (or grown child if you have a grown child who is an addict) may get well too. But that is not your main purpose. If he or she gets well, then; "Super-de-dooper." If not, then you are well, and you can make a better decision as to where you want your life to go.

And if that's not enough for you, because you have lost your self-esteem, then I am going to manipulate you; then do it for the rest of your family. I work this 21-Day Program every day (not Al-Anon meetings every day) and I write this blog not so much for me, but for the little girl whose favorite book was Mr. Moon. The little girl is my 10 year old daughter. She is beautiful in many ways. I owe my getting well to her. She doesn't need to have two moronic parents running around.

So let's promise each other this; I will succeed. You will succeed. We shall succeed. You shall prevail. AND make no mistake about it - I know who you are. YOU are special. You need to stand up straight. You need to get out of your funk NOW. YOU ARE TOO IMPORTANT. And do not ever, ever, think that you are not.

Sincerely, and I do mean Sincerely, Your Friend,

Joe