New Year - A Chance To Begin Again (A Do Over)

It's a New Year. A chance to begin again. A "do-over" in life. I used to think I would have to wait until the New Year to begin something for real - like a diet - because the New Year made it feel more "official."

Actually, every moment is a chance to begin. A chance to change course. A chance to - start all over again - without the guilt and burdens of the imperfect things you have done or may have said.

Removing the Burdens of the Past
You are in my way of thinking - perfect. There should be (I know "should be") no burdens of the past. With no burdens of the past - aren't we perfect?

There is a lot of talk in Al-Anon that we are not perfect. Here is where I disagree.

I believe we are perfect. What we do or what we say is not perfect. I am connected to my Higher Power and created so that goodness flows through me. I am a human being, living in a world of other human beings and my reactions to them and to the circumstances of "life" are not always in harmony or balance.

The teachings of Al-Anon help me center and react to the stresses of life more perfectly. The works of Al-Anon help teach me what is right or more right than how I used to respond.

If I can shed my disease of thinking too much - I can be a much better person - not to others and for the "sake of humanity," but - for me. This in and of itself is a break through. The words, "for me" are strangers to my lips and my mind. I have always reacted for others. I have been a caretaker, caregiver, advice giver, counsellor, fixer.

Changing and A Do-Over
I am changing. I now know I can claim a do-over. Now. Officially. For this is a New Year.

Yes - I am changing my thought patterns - with new thought patterns. One of the areas I am changing is I have become more open. Or so I believe. Let me give you what I think is a big example of my changing;

I have a friend who believes in Numerology. I would have thought this person was nuts. But I listened, read this person book on it and it was - well - interesting. I was a "number 1." Not surprisingly. But my "number 1" put me at odds with others - especially other "number 1's." I won't go into the details - because this is not the point of whether this is believable or not - but what is, is the fact that I would have thought this was crazy.

So, back to a do-over. As a kid, I grew up in the northeast. We would play baseball, football, kickball, and board games and whatever - all day. A do-over is when you swung and missed and claimed a "do-over" for some unexplained reason. Or you moved a piece on the board and it was a huge error and for some reason - like you had not been paying attention - claimed this "Do-over thing."

So, today - I am claiming a "Do Over" - officially. This do over thing gives me permission to change, steer the ship on a smoother course. The Time Machine (above picture) is of course not real and we cannot go back in time to undo stuff that we feel we may have done that has harmed us or others. But the Time Machine is symbolic in that we can "do over" now whatever we want by beginning to Let Go (there's that slogan again - See yesterday's post below) of the past. If I can let go of the past, the past cannot rock my ship like waves banging against the hull. The path I take or course, if I can follow this damn metaphor properly, is smoother without the past banging against the side of my ship, (my brain), trying sink me.

The past is a burden we carry around that keeps us from enjoying this second, this moment. It causes us (me!!!) to think we are (I am) not perfect and therefore should be punished (my guilt) or not forgiven because we are unworthy of being forgiven.

What "Perfect" Does For Me
I have come to believe we all are perfect. And the moment we live in - I live in - is perfect - because this is where I am supposed to be and I cannot undo God's Will. That everything I have done or what has happened is and was out of my control more often than not and to hold that thought helps me ease off on the brakes of my life and helps me accept myself and others. It releases.

The gift of the program about not being perfect - and this what I believe Al-Anon is really trying to teach me is that it is helping me understand that we are all imperfect and if so, we are all okay - especially me! And this MEANS YOU!!! And you know who you are as you read this! You are okay and will be okay.

It is a hard concept to understand and my brain, ego, previous programming, does not want me to look at myself in this way. My disease wants to call attention to the stupid stuff I did or hurtful things I have said or what I believe other have done to me. That is my burden. That is what I am shedding and calling a do-over on.

Last - this thought entered my mind - if I can just shut up most of the time - I can be of no harm to myself. What do I mean? I have this tendency to verbalize my thoughts. I "think out loud." When I hear myself think - I go - okay, I get it. Later, however, I sound stupid or say something stupid and I am perceived as a little weird. I am learning - even at my age - this is not a great thing to do at work. Especially with all the left brainers I work with.

Shut Up and HALT (so I don't call a do-over)
But more importantly - to shut up when I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired. The tired thing trips me up a lot lately. It used to be angry, but I understand my anger now. Now I am just not sleeping fully or resting fully. So when that happens, my propensity to "think out loud" occurs more often and my guard is down, and then I say something that is not the most intelligent. And, when I am tired, I am quick to anger. My anger spews forth in words I am soon to regret and in reality have no real baring on what or how I feel toward another person. This is another place where I wish I could do immediate "do overs."

Thank God for Al-Anon. I am seeing the speed bumps on my path of life more clearly. And the speed bumps are usually what I have placed in the road - not someone else's.

Amazing.

So, officially, I am Letting Go and claiming a "do over."

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Restoring Ourselves to Sanity

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Restoring Ourselves to Sanity

If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting.

The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 5/9/08 and runs to Sunday 6/11/08 evening.

Note: To view this Post and the Comments at the same time, click on the link here ---> (click here). Or you can click on the title of this Post in order to get a better view of the Post and the Comments.

Here are some guidelines ---> Click for Guidelines. Bottom line; say what you want, when you want, as many times as you want, to whomever you want, about whatever you want. Cross-talk is allowed ("cross-talk" is talking to each other, not being "cross" to the other).

This is where we start:
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This is from the Al-Anon Pamphlet "Freedom from Despair"

Specialists in the field of alcoholism regard it not as a moral weakness or sin, but as a complex disease, perhaps part physical and part emotional. Alcoholics tend to be sensitive and emotionally immature, excessive in their demands on themselves as well as others. When they fail to live up to their own standards, they escape from reality by drinking. The habit leads to obsessive drinking, a compulsion so powerful that not even the threat of death or insanity seems to break it. One drink sets up an uncontrollable craving that only more drinking can appease.

. . . . The alcoholic needs encouragement and understanding whether drinking or sober. By detaching ourselves from the alcoholic's problems and concentrating restoring ourselves to serenity, we encourage the alcoholic to seek and keep sobriety.

Five Common Traits of Our Disease (Derived from the Al-Anon pamphlet, "Understanding Ourselves and Alcoholism"
{These are the key words/sentences and thoughts I pulled out]

We, too, can become ill.
We hide bottles. We search the house. All our thinking become directed at what the alcoholic is doing or not doing. This is our obsession.

Watching them slowly kill themselves . . . We worry about the bills, the children, the job . . . This is our anxiety

The alcoholic's behavior sooner or later makes us angry. He is telling us lies, not taking responsibilities, feel he doesn't love us (as parents and children) . . . This is our anger

We pretend things are alright. We hide how we feel. . . . This is our denial

Perhaps the most severe damage to us is the nagging belief that we are somehow at fault. We may feel we are not good enough, good-looking enough, clever enough for not having solved this problem . . . These are our feelings of guilt.

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See if the five ways we are affected resonate with you. I know they do with me. I can even carry these behaviors to non-alcoholic environments, like work or friendships, or while being alone.

So this is where we comment!

Forgive and Be Free

As the spouse of an alcoholic, I know I can be free by forgiving. Forgiving does not mean I put up with nonsense or said another way, crap, of another person. It means something very different than most people think "forgiveness" actually means.

Let me tell you as honestly as I can, how immature I was (and still am) regarding the word, and the embodiment of "forgiveness."

I used to think that forgiveness meant- that forgiveness made me the bad guy. And made the other person "correct" or "OK" with their actions. I said "used to think" in the last sentence. Let me correct that. I don't want to seem I am above and beyond anyone here. And I certainly don't want to fool myself. So, the truth is, I still think this way sometimes when my past programming rises up and takes control, and I react, usually because I hurt or feel pain, because I feel someone did something to me.

But, this is important, this definition of forgiveness, to recognize how many of us in society think or believe forgive actually means. This definition of forgiveness; "making me wrong and the other person right" is why I had a hard time letting go. I know I wasn't wrong (at least sometimes). I didn't want to be wrong. Therefore, I would not forgive. So, I carried this "thing" around called "resentment."

I think resentment causes me to put on special sunglasses as I go about life. It causes me to filter out reality and causes me to seek out or look for "who might be trying to do something to me." This filtering out - actually makes me behave differently toward others - which actually attracts people to actually do something to me. It is a weird phenomenon. The thing I am trying to avoid, I actually attract, by sending out "signals" in terms of how I talk, hold eye contact (or lack thereof), move, etc. Why? Because my mind is focused on what I don't want. And I send neuro-transmitters through my brain and body. This is going too deep here - but in psychology this phenomenon has several names and terms, this "filtering" and "attracting." The term I will use that I personally like is "self-fulfilling prophecy" which if we can really get that concept, can dramatically change our lives forever.

But, as I say, I digress. This is a post on forgiveness, so I will get back on it!

Real Forgiveness - The More Mature Thinking
Real forgiveness is a completely selfish act. Now before you fly off the handle about "selfish," this word too, can be a positive word. We should be more "selfish" as long as we are not doing something to try to wound another or injure/harm. Selfish is OK. It is thinking about us, ourselves, which we rarely do, as spouses/parents of addicts.

Real forgiveness has nothing to do with the other guy being right or us being right. It has nothing to do with "letting them off the hook."

Forgiveness - to forgive - is about you and I clearing our resentments of the past. It is about freeing ourselves from the mistakes we have made. Because don't we beat ourselves up sometimes? And this leads to guilt and/or resentment.

Forgiveness is a selfish act, in that if used properly, it is about letting ourselves go free of regret, remorse, resentment, and stopping ourselves from replaying the negative events in our mind over and over again. And it is the beginning of eliminating the question we may be asking ourselves in our mind that cannot be answered. It is the question of; "If only . . . " And that question, which really isn't even a question, but a statement of regret.

I read to you from Robert Anthony. I read this last night and I thought, "Wow. How appropriate."

"To the degree that you cannot forgive, whether it be yourself or someone else, you perpetuate lack and limitation in your life. You hold back.

Many people don't want to forgive others. They say things like: "Why should I let them off the hook after what they did?" The enemy is someone who you think can take from you or harm you. People harm you through yourself. Actually, they don't harm you at all. You just give them the instructions on how to treat you and they follow through.

When we deal with forgiveness we tend to think that we must forgive because someone has done something to us. It is difficult for many people to realize that people haven't done anything to you. When you finally realize that you've done it to yourself by your responses to them then you are free of it. You are free because you're not holding onto the person as a source of your problem."

The italics are from Dr. Robert Anthony.

What struck me last night and it still strikes me, is; "We just give them the instructions on how to treat you and they follow through."

I think Dr. Robert Anthony was writing his books for me when I first stumbled upon them over 15 years ago. The words are so powerful. What I like about his writings is that I see how Al-Anon and his writings are so interconnected - because the "control" that he and Al-Anon foster is control over your thinking and therefore over your feelings. It has nothing to do with "people out there," which of course, you cannot change. It forces you to work on yourself, the only thing you can change.

I hope this post makes sense to you this day, Friday. I think this is one of my favs. I hope you like it as much as I had writing it.

May your weekend be a blessing.

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By the way, I deleted my first message from someone yesterday. You may have noticed this in an earlier post. To disclose to you this; it was from "someone" who is facing some problems with AA people. I think he thought this was an AA blog. He invoked a HP to his cause and also said he was the HP. He may strike again. Do not respond to his invocations. I wish you peace.

PS - We have a topic for this weekend's Online Meeting. Please see the post below (or click here). Ashley is hosting the Weekend Meeting. I will be sending out an invitation at around 5PM eastern time with Ashley's Topic. So please don't respond to her writing in the comments yet. She will have her own blog page all weekend as we did before. And if you wish to host a weekend meeting let me know! We have another volunteer for the week after! So this is great!

Two Posts Today - The Michigan Study & My RANT

The real post is below. This post just is pure venting. So, my apologies.

It's 7;30AM. My wife just walked into my study (the place where I work when I am not in the basement in my office). She pushed the guilt button about my daughter and her studies. The insinuation was, "She is not doing well because of . . . " I could sense where she was going and she was going to go to the place, "because maybe she has a learning disorder." This is the scapegoat policy of my wife. The "I am never taking responsibility for anything about anyone - including my own actions or inactions." It pisses me off. I told her, that, she needed to leave my office/study and I will take care of my daughter who has a test today. I will help her study, I said. It was not a pleasant exchange. It wasn't a blow up. But my reaction was direct. So much for detachment ladies and gentlemen. I, now, am pissed off. My apologies. My button was pushed. My button is blame and not taking responsibility to correct or address the real issue(s).

My wife won't take the time to study with her. She is "too busy." She does not work. Too busy doing what?! I cannot set a boundary on this one because my daughter suffers.

My wife could have been a contender [okay I stole this from the movie "On the Waterfront" - so sue me! ;-) ] She is smart. Attractive. Articulate. From a great family. But no responsibility. No accountability. What the hell happened? As the Talking Heads song goes, "Well, how did I get here?"

Ok - I am not pissed any more. But here is the important part of this blog post of this morning's RANT.

But if you have been watching the news this week, you have heard all over the news, that fighting couples live longer. Here is a couple of links in case you have been entombed the past two days (it's a slow news week -so it's all over the news)

1. From USA Today click here
2. From Fox News click here

So, with this news, that couples who fight live longer - I now know I am going to live to be 150!

One more thing Michigan . . .
. . . What you fail to report is this: that this life of fighting will provide a long life - but it will be a long life of misery.

Which one do you want? A life of happiness and normal life span? Or a longer life span marked by fighting?

I report. You decide. Thank you for letting me blow off some steam this morning.

Blame & Anger & Codependency - The Root Cause?

Blame.
What a word..."Blame." Often we look for "Who did this?" (who is to blame?)

For example: We are missing our favorite book. It is misplaced. "It was right on the table last night. Now it is gone. " And the more direct: "Who took it? Did you take it?"

Or for example: We are looking for our keys. "I left them right here on the kitchen counter. Have you seen them?"

The words put together in a sentence have the tone of accusation, apportioning blame, and looking for the guilty party. We sound accusatory. [note to myself; YIKES! I can relate to this right away. Then you find it. You remember you put it over there last night. And you are a big dummy. No one moved it. No one did it to you.]

Or the example: You feel like no one cared about your feelings. They made you wait. "How could they?" You feel this. You don't necessarily say it. You project it though. Others feel it.
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Blame. It can be a way to start an argument. It can be the beginning of making others feel bad. It can be a way of starting a small conflict, a large war - all with a disastrous outcome.

Blame. What if you and I eliminated blame from our lives? What if Just For Today, you didn't look for anyone to blame. How would that feel? What would your day look like?

At the root of almost all negative emotions, is the word and feeling of blame. They did it to me. The republicans did it. The democrats are going to do it. The rich are to blame. The boss said this. He did that.

What if, no one, absolutely no one, did anything, to You? Today? Right now? From now on?

What if, YOU decided, that no matter what happened, you were not going to evaluate or judge anything, as "good" or "bad." I can tell you, my best days were when I did not evaluate or judge anyone or anything as good or bad, especially when I felt someone was saying something "negative" to me or doing something to "hurt" me.
It was a day of serenity. I felt empowered. I felt in control of my feelings and my thoughts. And I really, and I mean really felt good. It almost felt angelic. [Note: I am not saying "be a push over" or allow anyone to abuse me or you. But reread this passage again. It is the small stuff that winds up setting our moods, for the most part.]


Just for Today - I am not going to evaluate anyone or anything as good or bad. And therefore, this will help me keep from apportioning blame on anyone.

Just for Today - I am eliminating blame from my thinking and reacting

Just for Today - I am going to reread this post tomorrow too. And do this exercise.

PS - Please join me next week for a special on What is Al-Anon? And How Can It Help You? See my Post Here: A Special Invitation (click on this link)

The Codependency Anger Cycle - A Treadmill To Hell

As part of this series I have created what I call the "Cycle of Codependency and Anger" (below). It is a cycle linked to that of a treadmill. As codependents we "express" our transgressions in manners that can be unhealthy. Our outburst of anger feels "righteous" and our outburst is filled with "justice."

However, this "justice" and "righteousness" is only from our perspective. It is seen through the lens from which we are seeing the world.

Unfortunately, our world has become distorted. It is a sad world. No one knows the hurt, the shame and the trepasses we have endured in living with an alcoholic. The deceit and the lies and the feeling of guilt does hurt. Still - our world is not normal. Don't make it less normal!

With all that said, look at this diagram. Our lashing out, screaming, resorting to manipulation, and coercian has no affect on the alcoholic. As a friend told me, "It rolls off the alcoholic like water off a duck's back." And he is an attorney who has a friend he tried to "talk out of being an alcoholic." It just doesn't work. Same is said for trying to "get even" with the alcoholic.

You and I vent. It feels good . . . for a moment. Then we feel guilty! Look below and see if you can relate.

Then read my post - Part 2 on Codependency and Anger written this morning.

Anger and Codependency - Or - "Anger Sucks" Part 2

Anger and Codependency Part 2

Should you express your anger? My answer: No.
Ever? My answer: No. Never.

Here's Why:
First, it's unhealthy: In studies, when the subjects expressed their anger, their blood pressure soared. Just in case you don't know, this is not a good thing. It hurts your heart.
In the other group (of the same characteristics), those who held their anger, their blood pressure went down. This was performed with several different groups and other factors were accounted for, making anger the target of the study.

So, these studies dispel any theory that anger held causes high blood pressure or is unhealthy.

It becomes a habit: I believe that once you begin to allow anger to flow, or your vent anger at the target, you create mental grooves or a deep and wide path that allows anger to flow too freely, and after awhile flows so freely, it becomes uncontrollable. I believe that you become addicted to the rush - the feeling of adrenaline, the blood coursing through your veins. It then becomes easier and easier to move closer to the next stage of anger, which is releasing uncensored, angry remarks and destructive criticism. When this happens, we get angry at the wrong people and release a torrent of words at unintended targets. It can be directed at our children, our neighbors, the operator, the checkout person, the . . . - well you get the picture. And I think you might be able to relate to this.

Each time you release this groove is well traversed - and becomes a habit. It becomes our new "normal." It becomes a way of acting. We become conditioned.

It gets targeted at the wrong people: Unfortunately, we release at work, at our family, at passersby, at motorists . . . and at ourselves. At work people begin to see we are not a person they want on their team. And when budget cuts come, and downsizing occurs, guess who's one of the first to go?

You want a good reputation: You do not want to gain a reputation as angry. Anger and asshole are closely aligned labels! On our gravestone it would read, "Thank you God for taking this angry asshole off the face of this earth." No we really want on gravestone, "Thank you God for bringing this person into our lives, he acted in a manner that showed us how we all could become."

All the good things you have ever done - are wiped out, with one little outburst of anger. No one remembers all the good things you've done. What is etched in their minds in your display of anger. And it just has to be one event.

Gone. All the nice things you've done, never to be remembered again. With one little outburst.

You are a role model: Think about your children. You are their beacon of hope. Their model of who they should become. They will pick up this behavior - a behavior you know you don't want them to pick up.

Anger and Arguments
I have not seen any studies about the correlation between anger and arguments. However, my general feeling based on observation and analysis, shows that arguing in a precursor to anger. And the two are very closely linked. Arguing in some parts of the country are viewed as more "OK" than in other parts of the country. And the same is true in some cultures and heritages.

Our voices become sharpened, and our rationale for our positions become, strident, loud and uncensored - if - we feel we have become slighted, or insulted. In other words, we set ourselves up for someone rolling their eyes at us, or saying, "What ...ever!" Two ways we are "baited."

The best way to avoid these attacks - and they are attacks - is not to engage - at all.

Who cares what someones opinion is about the President, the democrats, the republicans, abortion, or some other volatile subject. Does it really matter what someone thinks? Really? We have seen the talk shows - and these have led to an "impolite discourse." We emulate these talk shows because they have desensitized us to the old way of being "polite" and being "of higher character." A good discussion can now lead into an argument.

Arguing never changes any ones mind. It in fact makes them more cemented in their position. It has the opposite affect!

So, what have we learned about anger?

1. Anger serves no useful purpose. Period. Ever.
2. We look bad when we are angry. It shows we are not mature.
3. Anger shows we have "lost it" and we are "out of control." These are two labels in your life you cannot afford to have.
4. It's bad for our health.
5. It sets a poor example for our children.
6. It affects our entire day - at work, or at home. It sets our mood for the remainder of the day.
7. Once released, it becomes easy to release again. And again. It can become a ritual. A habit.
8. We say stupid, regretful things. Things uncensored. It usually makes us feel guilty - as codependents - and this leads to more anger! And then more guilt. It becomes a circular treadmill.
9. While we feel righteous, and feel it is our "duty" to show "them" and teach others a lesson, it is a lesson and it is a just cause - only through our eyes, our point of view.
10. Last, it sets you up, as being labeled and remembered as an asshole, a jerk, a person who cannot be trusted.

See the next post for Part 3 on How To The Codependent Can Diffuse Anger Positively.