Tell Me Not To Send This

Anger. Yes. I was angry. Today, I am not. How can I be angry and pissed off - and the next day I am not?

What was I angry about? I was angry at being controlled.

But in reality, I was angry at the THOUGHT of being controlled.

Interesting today that I can see that clearly. No one actually controls me. I was in my head. I needed to come out. I needed to vent and release.

The letter/email I wrote to my spouse - was first sent to my lawyer. The email subject line;

"Tell me not to send this."

His 300 dollar response;

"Don't send this."

Wow. Amazing. Thank you for the 300 dollars. Well, all good lawyers will say something more to justify their costs.

So he also said this; "It's too emotional."

Well, that's the third time he has said that to me over the course of my hiring him. So, I didn't send this "emotional email."

Anyway, I began "dwelling" on this reply from my lawyer. A little levity here, please. "Too emotional." Well, that is a pretty stupid response now that I think about it. If you are going through a divorce, is there any "logic" to what people do and say? Especially those of us on both sides of the glass who have been affected by alcohol?

Too emotional. That's pretty stupid from a divorce lawyer.

Positive From Negative - Al-Anon Post

(Revised 4PM Monday)
Al-Anon Step 1 work. This weekend I hosted an Al-Anon Meeting that I attend regularly. This made for a record breaking 6 Al-Anon meetings in one week for me. And this is from a person who said, "Couldn't stand the meetings." (Ha!)

I talked about my situation and how I was going to make a "bad" decision or "bad" situation not created by me or my daughter and how to turn it into a good situation. In other words, take something bad and outside of our control and create into something good.

Background and Catch-Up
I spoke of how my wife took off to the lake/mountains while not really considering the consequences of her actions, by not asking my opinion, not telling us how long she would be gone, what time she was leaving and what time she would be back. As you recall from last week's blog posts I was pretty unhappy. I did gain my equilibrium around Tuesday by blogging, hearing from you all, and attending Al-Anon meetings.

So my action to make this a "good thing" was to try and figure out how to spend more time with my daughter. So I looked into going to taking a trip, but wound up going out to a nice dinner at a world famous restaurant (alright may in my world - it was world famous). I was taking my daughter and her friends out to dinner and have a great time.

The Al-Anon Talk
As part of my talk I created a PowerPoint document as a handout. It represents all of the major negative issues we face as family members of alcoholism. And it represents all the positive things we can do to influence our lives (note: I do not say "the alcoholic's life).

To view the diagram . . . . . ----> Click here to view diagram

Someone suggested I publish the talk and diagram in Forum, Al-Anon's magazine that comes out once a month. The conversation started off with, "Joe, I want to talk to you about this diagram." Instantly, fear walked into my mind, conjuring up an image that the Al-Anon police were going to say something about the PowerPoint diagram saying, "It wasn't Al-Anon approved." And of course she would have been right. It's just that I respect this person and did not want to get on a "black list." I fear rejection. Interesting that I am still dealing with this. Then there is a part of me that says, "Screw it." And I do it anyway. Probably some psycho-analysis is needed here for these two divergent and opposing thoughts.

Anyway, she said, "You really ought to consider getting this published in Forum. They could use material like this. I have been trying to condense some of the princples in Al-Anon and this chart helps quite a bit."

So my fear was not even close to appearing real.

Anyway, I will try to explain what the PowerPoint diagram actually depicts. And before I do, I must tell you there are no short cuts. This diagram just represents to me - one thing - we need to work on ourselves and not allow our minds to drift to the negative, as it is so easy for this to happen in the environment in which we live.

The Al-Anon Talk
On the left hand side is where our mind may tend to go and actually live - The Negative Thinking side.

Before I went into describing the diagram, I read from two of the Al-Anon books, as a set up and where a lot of my information is derived. Here are the passages.

From the book "How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics" p32.

. . . "We don't realize that, by playing our part, we actually contribute to sustaining the disease of alcoholism. We may serve as enabler, rescuing the alcoholic from unpleasant consequences of his or her own making. Or we may play the victim, unwillingly stepping in and covering for the alcoholic who is too drunk or hung over to fulfill job or family responsibilities.

CHANGING THE PART WE PLAY IN THE FAMILY DISEASE (heading)
. . . "By recovering from the effects of the disease, we become able to stop playing our part in the family disease. The balance is disrupted. Suddenly it is no longer comfortable for the the alcoholic."

From the book "Hope for Today"
I am doing this from memory, as I do not have the book in front of me. So this is my interpretation. The actual page it is from is page 47 (earlier I said page 99 - not even close);

"We go into our mind, and pass through neighborhoods that are bad, neighborhoods where we should not pass through alone, for we know what these neighborhoods look like because we have been there many times before with poor results.

"This is a time for us to call our sponsor, an Al-Anon friend, read Al-Anon literature, meditate."

The PowerPoint Diagram Explained:
What I am depicting is a representation of where our mind can lead us, and how controlling people, situations and things are outside of our control. And control may be or lead to the factors under "Negative Thinking" - while there are accelerants that continue to harm us and harm us faster as noted under the heading "Feeding Negativity."

You will also notice that the Negative Thinking diagram is a dashed line, representing things "oozing out," like a wound (sorry - that is graphic - it is not what I said by the way).

While under the Reframe which leads to Positive Thinking, the focus is on ourselves and what we really can control, and how focusing on this side actually makes us better. This therefore can disrupt the cycle of addiction - or at least keep us from adding fuel to the addiction and the chaos.

The line around this diagram is solid. It is about keeping the work focused on ourselves. Making it an "inside job." This is not to say we should isolate ourselves.

In this case, it is "all about us." For once. Focus on ourselves. Work on us. It is important to know we matter.

The End. And We All Lived Happy, Normal Lives

OK. That was sarcastic. I need to read more.

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More Stuff and Thoughts

Under Miscellaneous
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A little humor:
By the way, what if we had bumper stickers made up, with "Stop the Drama" printed up on them? Would others "get it?"

Under the category: Do you think country singers are codependent?

Here's a song title that says it all : "The worst you ever gave me, was the best I ever had."

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Our On-Line Al-Anon Weekend Meeting
This weekend's meeting on-line was another smash hit, with user viewing count hovering again at just under 300!

Our Thanks to Catherine for the Finances & Money topic. I learned a lot and saw myself in the comments of many people. Please take a look at this and any one of the other meetings we held on-line for the past several weeks.

You can view this meeting and others by going to the Right Hand side of this blog and look under Past On-Line Meetings. There you will find the dates and the subjects covered.

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My Personal Note To You (& Me):Realize many of us are in pain, for many different reasons. Some of us have been neglected. Some of us have been unloved. Some of us have been abused. Some of us are living in chaos and crisis. Some of us do not know how we are going to make it to the next day. We've all been there in one form or another.


But here are a couple of key points I wish to make:The alcoholic can make you feel like you are the rotten one - the bad person. Here is what a counselor told me one day, and it has stuck in my mind and I think it is appropriate for all of us in our situation, for we all feel shame and blame, but here are his words, exactly:

"You are not an evil one."

I don't use this to blame my spouse, but only to remember that this disease is hideous. There is a saying used by psychologists; "Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling and powerful."

Actually the term comes from AA directly from The Big Book. Near the start of chapter 5 (page 58 ) it says "Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful."

Remember, you are not to blame. And you are not the cause. And you cannot change it nor cure it.

Steve Martin - A Phone Call and Message

Steve Martin and Al-Anon? No. But still we need some humor every now and then. This is one of my favorites. It's old, (from Johnny Carson), but if you don't crack a smile, play it later, you will!

I was reading his autobiography a while back and could help but think about how he rose up, slowly, surely, confidently to become the star his is today. His rise was not without a lot of set backs.

Here it is! Click on it once. It takes a second to load up.


If you are unable to view it, cut and paste this link below and put it into your browser/internet address bar. It will take you to YouTube.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=EYGBsrCmcCw

PS - I did post this to this blog a long time ago (or so it seems).

Friday - A Little Humor

I read Steve Martin's autobiography before Christmas, one day when I decided to "get out" and away from my wife. I went to Barnes and Noble and just sat there. I was down in the dumps and my wife was - how should I say "Sober, but aching for a fight"? So, I physically "detached" and removed myself from the dance of alcoholism. Steve Martin's autobiography was interesting in that his life growing up wasn't perfect, and that his "overnight success" took about 20 years.

I forgot how funny he is. So here is some "humor". Click twice to view here. If you click too many times you will have two versions going!

PS - See you at 6PM Today (eastern) for the beginning of the Al-Anon Weekend Meeting ! This will run through Sunday to 6PM. Comment all weekend at any time. See you

Here is Steve Martin - from Johnny Carson. This is a classic. REALLY FUNNY

Note to Myself

It's hard. You come home. Expect the house to be in order - some semblance of neatness. Her eyes are puffy, the lips have a sort of sneer. I try not to stare. Try not to look to see if she has been drinking. It's hard.

I go to another room. I have tried talking to her and asking her "Have you had a drink today?" It's a stupid question. It's like asking a house burglar in your house, "Have you been out stealing?"

"Why, no. Of course not."

It's a stupid question. All I want is the truth. I have stopped seeking the truth. I feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for her. She didn't ask for this. She didn't say, "Hey, let me become an alcoholic, because alcoholics have more fun." It's a bummer all the way around. Who I really feel sorry for is my daughter.

Her mommy will not really see her when she comes home today. There will be no, "How was school today, little girl?" There will be no, "Let's sit down and talk about what you learned today." And no "How the other girls were mean/nice to you?"

I have to fill that role of mom and dad. Last night we watched (my daughter and I) Felicity. A cute movie about a girl during the Revolutionary War period who loved horses, and who always helped people. In the movie, Felicity is 10. My daughter is 10. My daughter sat next to me on the couch, and grabbed my hand during three parts. That was great. She has seen the movie now five times. My daughter can now repeat certain parts. Pretty cute. She's excited that I am sitting there watching the movie. She is more excited about telling me to, "wait until you see what happens next" which is even more cute. Here she is the boss. I am on her turf.

We are watching it together - alone - without mom. We watch it to learn more about the Revolutionary War, which she is studying in school. The movie now makes more sense to her. She did not know what a Loyalist was or a Patriot was. Now it all is coming together. Especially since she has studied for a test she has to take today.

I had to leave the house at 5:30AM this morning - for a client meeting. I was gone long enough for my wife to buy alcohol and drink it. Now she lays in bed stating she is headed to lay down, because she is not feeling well. I still look through her pocket book for a receipt. All I find is a huge bottle of gum. It a bottle of gum I never knew they made. It holds 60 chicklet size pieces of gum. I'd say there are twenty left. I was tempted to dump them out and count them. I didn't.

She does not like going to AA meetings. She thinks they are too negative and want to make her drink more. She is saying in the same breath hwoever, that she is going for her 30 day chip next week - next Thursday to be exact. There have been several days where I have "sensed" she had a drink or two. Of course she denies it. I don't fuss about it. Except I tell her, that it's more important to tell the truth, and don't make a bigger lie out of something by collecting a 30 day chip if you have had something to drink. It was the wrong thing to say. Damn it.

I wish she had a stronger sponsor. Her sponsor probably wishes she had a stronger sponsoree.

I left the house strong and full of vigor (what ever the hell that is). I came back to a house of cards and my shoulders are hunched down. I had a great meeting with my client and my staff. I was very pleased. Now I am home. Not so pleased. I am starting to spiral. It's like a whirlpool. Or a plane circling downward toward earth. It's the best way I can describe it. Even though I have never been in a plane circling toward earth or caught in a whirlpool.

I heard someone say that you can act yourself back into a positive state by controlling your posture - and how you are sitting and acting. I read; Act like you were proud and confident and happy. Think, "How would a strong, confident and happy person sit? How would he breath?"

Now sit this way. So, my shoulders go back. Now they are back. I am sitting upright. My stomach is in. My breath is deeper. I am breathing with more force through my nose. (I wonder if my nostrils will become enlarged.) It's a stray thought - but a thought. I am breathing down into my diaphragm -stomach. My chest and stomach are working to suck in air. My chin - it should be up. Hard to type with chin up. Try chin up and down while typing interesting - this is working. My head is going up and down. I look like a nut case. This reminds me of something . . .

My brother is a doctor. He is pretty well renown in certain circles (not my spiraling circles). For the mothers' of children reading this - I came from a large family. "Large" - what is that? More than four children let's say - in order to keep the anonymity. All of us made it through the cycle of having an alcoholic father. He had it tough. Very, very smart man, my father. Articulate. Beat us verbally when drinking. We learned big words, very quickly. We can denigrate people in the flick of a second. Cut 'em and mow'em down. We did that too. But we learned better - from the stinging words of a drunken father, but the kindness of a strong mother. We had a mother who taught us right from wrong. She would not be afraid of hitting us with a belt either. Good lady -still alive. Seeing her this weekend. Never knew how tough she had it. I tell her now - in deeper meaning - how grateful I am for kicking our asses and making us make something of ourselves. And holding us to higher standards than the people around us (our peers).

Anyway - back to doctor brother.

I am in a hotel room. I am having chest pains. (this is about seven years ago - so I did not die). I am concerned. I call dear doctor brother. I tell him what is happening. He listens.

He says: "Hmmm. Having chest pains. Try this. Brother, stick your right arm out straight."

THOSE OF YOU reading this may want to try this. It is a lesson in human anatomy and science. Something I had not known until now.

So I stick out my arm. Straight out.

Now he says; "Make a fist. Have you made a fist brother?" (you too reader).

"Yes" is my reply.

"Turn the fist so the knuckles are facing up, and make your fist tight. Is it tight? Now take the hand of your other arm and place it on the inside of the elbow - where it bends. Now hold out your arm straight, but bend the top portion of the arm - up and down twice. Fast." I do it.

Are you doing this? (I am in a hotel room, phone cradled between my shoulder and chin doing this, mind you.)

He says, "Now do it again. This time take the fist and rap it into your forehead three times."

I do it. I rap my head three times. I say, "Now what?"



"Do it again. And while you are doing it this time, ask yourself, "Knock, knock is anyone home? Go see a doctor you idiot."

Some brother.

I am breathing better.