Getting Unstuck

One of the things I have to get back to doing is "to risk."

I have been under enormous (enormous? probably the right word, but my ego or voice inside my head, I cannot tell which one it is talking to me) pressure over the past year and a half. Separation, loss of job, looking for job, stock market, economy, new job, divorce proceedings, custody proceedings, money going out the door for lawyers, wife attacking, my brain working overtime, child going thru puberty, etc. all adding to the pressure.

So, in order to "control" the pressure I have not been "risking" or "being out there on the high wire" at work as I probably could be. Or is it "should be." I know about the "should thing." But maybe there is a "should" every now and then. Maybe I am working just enough. And maybe working "just enough" is perfectly fine.

I am not sure.

This is the dilemma. Am I stuck? Am I afraid to reconnect with old business acquaintances because of the fear of rejection?

HELLO??

As I am writing this the thought comes to mind: What if they don't return my call? The ANSWER: So what? What will happen if they don't? Nothing. Except an ego bruise. AND the possibility of the ego taking control and making me feel "less than." Hmmmm.

Am I really "risking?"

Bite sized chunks.
I know to get around the "stuck" thing is to make a list. Break down the thing I need or should or must do, into smaller, bite sized chunks, on a piece of paper. Then schedule time on my calendar to do them. And then, . . . , JUST DO IT (them).

OK. Got it.

This is where I am this morning.

Also. I "attached" to something at work yesterday. And then when I "confronted" another manager, he started Bullshitting me, about how it's going to be better in the future. I told him I cannot wait and that the future is now. I told him, and I did it in the old way, that he cannot give me this crap about how good it's going to be. I don't think he ever was confronted before.

Why did I have to go and attack his bullshit? Why couldn't I have just adjusted and worked it out more indirectly? Which is the right way to go? I am never sure. I know; say what you mean, but don't say it meanly.

I said what I meant. I think it could have been interpreted as being mean. Now I fret, that he will tell others I am "explosive." I was not mind you - but I did tell him - not that he was full of shit, but he knew he could no longer ever bullshit me, just by my taking his words and tossing them into the garbage heap as "unmeaningful."

OK. How do I recover from this one? Apologize? Let it go? Or is it my head again that is causing me to worry about this? I am having difficulty with the balance.

Fear - Mastery of,

This morning I am reminded that fear resides not outside me, but inside me. Fear is my reaction to my thoughts. Or my thinking about my thoughts of what "could be happening" or "could happen," but not necessarily what is happening.

The solution, I read, is not eliminating fear, but transcending fear.

Trying to eliminate fear is a trap. Trying to suppress my responses is also a trap. I need to become detached as an on-looker is; unbiased, non-judgmental, non-emotional, as if I were floating above the event watching it unfold.

Can I do this? How can I remember to do this?

Two Posts Today - How Lucky Can One Get

Two Posts for the Price of One

Yep. Two. Both are for free.

As I sit here - just finished my first post - I am thinking - I am very grateful. I really have no problems. Yes. I am going through a terrible divorce. I never thought I would be part of such a thing. It is one you would read about or hear about how ugly it has gotten.

I share the ugly part with - well - hardly anyone. First my lawyer charges me too much. Second, don't want to worry my mom - and although I am waaaay too old to talk to mom - [I AM NOT one of those guys] - mom is still mom no matter how old you are. My brothers - waay too busy for the drama. And frankly - I hate reliving it.

But - I am grateful. I am so grateful and I woke up counting the amount of stress issues I have;

Economy - yes, my stock portfolio is down. Waaay down. But compared to others, not even close to them.

Job. I am new. Big position -sort of. Need to make a mark. Fortunate. Good things happening here.

Living in a rented house. Expensive. Next to our child's school. Wife has told our child somethings and has overheard mom. Cannot control this. I have to be patient. (Thanks to someone who wrote long comment about who cares what kind of food my child eats right now. Have fun with and let them remember the fun part. These comments resonate and help me)

Divorce. Jeeez. Enuf said.

Strange - my wife's drinking will not make this list.

House. Would like to buy house. Where? Once down and in, hard to change or resell.You'd better like it.

Exercise. Not able to exercise like I was. Stress is slowing me down a bit. Had to keep off running for about a month. Now better. GRATEFUL!!!

I am not ill. I am okay. Things could be a lot worse. I am comparing me to me, by the way.

I have a program. I have a sponsor. Use it, but you'll never lose it.

I can exercise.

I am blessed. Remember this today. How am I remembering my gratitude? It is clear at this second - I recognize I am ........PRESENT!!

Surrender

Eckhart Tolle - The Power of Now - Surrender

Week before last I led a meeting on "Surrender." It was one of the meetings I go that meets every day .... so this time there was no speaker and I volunteered at the last moment.

I opened to the index and saw "Surrender" and read from the book "How Al-Anon Works."

Here's what I wish I would have said;

The ego believes that in your resistance lies strength, whereas in truth resistance cuts you off from Being, the place of true power. Resistance is weakness and fear masquerading as strength. What the ego sees as weakness is your Being in its purity, innocence, and power.

Until you surrender, unconscious role-playing constitutes a large part of human interaction. In surrender, you no longer need ego defenses and false masks. You become very simple, very real. "That's dangerous." says the ego. "You'll get hurt. You'll become vulnerable." What the ego doesn't know, of course, is that only through the letting go of resistance, through becoming vulnerable, can you discover your true and essential vulnerability.

I know this isn't from Al-Anon, but there are a lot of good books, that are so closely related, it is hard not to be impacted and bring fresh perspectives to what I learn in Al-Anon.

I am caught up in my ego. I hear it this morning: "You are weak. You are under attack. You will be diminished."

Do I hear "You will be laughed at?"

Somewhere, way back in the recesses of my mind, I think I truly do hear this. It comes from growing up in a tough neighborhood. Where kids were nasty and would criticize each other - by making fun of their clothes, their family, and their looks. They would gang up - and there would be a "victim." I forgot about this and the dread of walking down to the school bus stop. I was "ranked on" - until I became "cool" which really meant I was no longer "short." I was never cool, but kids eventually left me alone. But I never ranked on others until they ranked on me. I always to took up for the victim, and helped defend him. Interesting now that I recall these episodes when I was about 13 or 14 years old.

I am back to surrender. What peace can I bring forth by letting go?

I am looking for peace. I must let go of the "activity" of looking - and just "let go" to allow it to creep in, slip in, waft in.

I breath deeper now. I need to breath very deeply and feel the breath against my rib cage as I inhale. I feel my rib cage expand as I breath (I am doing this as I type). I notice it is a foreign feeling. I notice I must be holding my breath most of the day. Not good Joseph. Too tight. Stress. Tension. Let go, think not. Breath.

Nothing matters. Everything is going to be Okay. Everything is Okay. Everything is just as it was supposed to be.

It is either going to work out OR it is going to work out.

A Great Quote - That Says It All

Can't remember where I read it - but here it is. A great quote, that says it all:

"Don't make the common mistake of believing what you think."

One of my problems right now.

In fact, my only real problem.

Be Glad You're Not My 4 O'Clock

In Al-Anon the other day at a meeting - one guy shared. He said he was going through a divorce and was dating someone else and she and he had a problem that was fairly significant (I won't reveal for anonymity reasons).

But suffice it to say, the problem was pretty big and therefore stressful.

He went to his doctor and the doctor listened to his "I can't sleep" story. The doctor said, "You know, you are probably depressed. But this too shall pass. And, be glad you're not my 4 o'clock."

The man said, "How so, Doctor?"

The reply, "I have a 4PM appointment this afternoon with a man who is your age and I have to tell him he has Lou Gehrig's disease and he has two years to live. He would trade places with you in a heart beat. He would take all your problems and more, to know he has another 40 years or so to live."

Perspective. I needed that. I will always remember the; "Be glad you're not my 4 o'clock" as a title/reminder to my stressful situations.

What Am I Going To Do Differently?

OK. Meeting at noon. Someone says, "The question is; What am I going to do differently?"

Got it. Heard it. Went in one ear and out the other. The topic was fear. Got that too.

So, left meeting. Called spouse. Soon to be ex. Wanted to ask her a question. Reality: Wanted her to tell me what she wanted. I am tired of guessing. Want marriage over. Ended. Finis.

Couldn't get her on the phone. God works in strange ways, I told myself. I've tried calling before; she won't answer. In the past, I would keep on calling until I got her.

Except - I decided to call my sponsor. Did I mention I suck as a sponsoree? Haven't spoken to my sponsor in - well let's be honest - 2 weeks? No. He'd say "3 or 4." Maybe he'd add to the sentence "Asshole." He'd say it in jest of course, but he probably wouldn't say it at all, for that is sarcastic and manipulative and he is working his program pretty hard.

One meeting yesterday was not enough. Went to another last night. Saw same said sponsor. We talked after the meeting. Actually four of us guys did. We talked about food. We talked about our waste line. Are you kidding me? Nope. Talked about weight too.

But, in the call to my sponsor yesterday after I could not get hold of said spouse, he asked, "What are you going to do differently?"

In the meeting last night, someone said; "What am I going to do differently?"

Now that I have a program and I have the tools of Al-Anon, "What am I going to do differently?"

Here is a list so far that I wrote this morning;

1. Use my God Box. I placed in there; Let everything work out for my divorce for the good of my wife, my child and me. I said to myself, "Why did I place myself last in that sentence?" Proper grammar? Or something deeper? Probably grammar. But I am wondering.
2. Set boundaries. No longer am I going to be the nice guy and allow people to "get away" with things that are rightly mine, owed to me, or allow people to treat me with disrespect.
3. I am going to continue to not engage and be pleasant with said spouse.
4. I will follow attorney's advice
5. I will state clearly what I want and avoid avoiding head-on discussions about what I want
6. I will call my sponsor 2 times if not more a week. I really have got to set the time up to do this.
7. I will look for more happiness. I am happy about 80 to 95% of the time. Yes - this is true. I am just worried about what might be.

New Year - A Chance To Begin Again (A Do Over)

It's a New Year. A chance to begin again. A "do-over" in life. I used to think I would have to wait until the New Year to begin something for real - like a diet - because the New Year made it feel more "official."

Actually, every moment is a chance to begin. A chance to change course. A chance to - start all over again - without the guilt and burdens of the imperfect things you have done or may have said.

Removing the Burdens of the Past
You are in my way of thinking - perfect. There should be (I know "should be") no burdens of the past. With no burdens of the past - aren't we perfect?

There is a lot of talk in Al-Anon that we are not perfect. Here is where I disagree.

I believe we are perfect. What we do or what we say is not perfect. I am connected to my Higher Power and created so that goodness flows through me. I am a human being, living in a world of other human beings and my reactions to them and to the circumstances of "life" are not always in harmony or balance.

The teachings of Al-Anon help me center and react to the stresses of life more perfectly. The works of Al-Anon help teach me what is right or more right than how I used to respond.

If I can shed my disease of thinking too much - I can be a much better person - not to others and for the "sake of humanity," but - for me. This in and of itself is a break through. The words, "for me" are strangers to my lips and my mind. I have always reacted for others. I have been a caretaker, caregiver, advice giver, counsellor, fixer.

Changing and A Do-Over
I am changing. I now know I can claim a do-over. Now. Officially. For this is a New Year.

Yes - I am changing my thought patterns - with new thought patterns. One of the areas I am changing is I have become more open. Or so I believe. Let me give you what I think is a big example of my changing;

I have a friend who believes in Numerology. I would have thought this person was nuts. But I listened, read this person book on it and it was - well - interesting. I was a "number 1." Not surprisingly. But my "number 1" put me at odds with others - especially other "number 1's." I won't go into the details - because this is not the point of whether this is believable or not - but what is, is the fact that I would have thought this was crazy.

So, back to a do-over. As a kid, I grew up in the northeast. We would play baseball, football, kickball, and board games and whatever - all day. A do-over is when you swung and missed and claimed a "do-over" for some unexplained reason. Or you moved a piece on the board and it was a huge error and for some reason - like you had not been paying attention - claimed this "Do-over thing."

So, today - I am claiming a "Do Over" - officially. This do over thing gives me permission to change, steer the ship on a smoother course. The Time Machine (above picture) is of course not real and we cannot go back in time to undo stuff that we feel we may have done that has harmed us or others. But the Time Machine is symbolic in that we can "do over" now whatever we want by beginning to Let Go (there's that slogan again - See yesterday's post below) of the past. If I can let go of the past, the past cannot rock my ship like waves banging against the hull. The path I take or course, if I can follow this damn metaphor properly, is smoother without the past banging against the side of my ship, (my brain), trying sink me.

The past is a burden we carry around that keeps us from enjoying this second, this moment. It causes us (me!!!) to think we are (I am) not perfect and therefore should be punished (my guilt) or not forgiven because we are unworthy of being forgiven.

What "Perfect" Does For Me
I have come to believe we all are perfect. And the moment we live in - I live in - is perfect - because this is where I am supposed to be and I cannot undo God's Will. That everything I have done or what has happened is and was out of my control more often than not and to hold that thought helps me ease off on the brakes of my life and helps me accept myself and others. It releases.

The gift of the program about not being perfect - and this what I believe Al-Anon is really trying to teach me is that it is helping me understand that we are all imperfect and if so, we are all okay - especially me! And this MEANS YOU!!! And you know who you are as you read this! You are okay and will be okay.

It is a hard concept to understand and my brain, ego, previous programming, does not want me to look at myself in this way. My disease wants to call attention to the stupid stuff I did or hurtful things I have said or what I believe other have done to me. That is my burden. That is what I am shedding and calling a do-over on.

Last - this thought entered my mind - if I can just shut up most of the time - I can be of no harm to myself. What do I mean? I have this tendency to verbalize my thoughts. I "think out loud." When I hear myself think - I go - okay, I get it. Later, however, I sound stupid or say something stupid and I am perceived as a little weird. I am learning - even at my age - this is not a great thing to do at work. Especially with all the left brainers I work with.

Shut Up and HALT (so I don't call a do-over)
But more importantly - to shut up when I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired. The tired thing trips me up a lot lately. It used to be angry, but I understand my anger now. Now I am just not sleeping fully or resting fully. So when that happens, my propensity to "think out loud" occurs more often and my guard is down, and then I say something that is not the most intelligent. And, when I am tired, I am quick to anger. My anger spews forth in words I am soon to regret and in reality have no real baring on what or how I feel toward another person. This is another place where I wish I could do immediate "do overs."

Thank God for Al-Anon. I am seeing the speed bumps on my path of life more clearly. And the speed bumps are usually what I have placed in the road - not someone else's.

Amazing.

So, officially, I am Letting Go and claiming a "do over."

Just for Today: I Will Stay Intensely In The Present

I look around, my big, rented house is empty of people. Have lots of furniture, from my premarital days, pretty nice furniture, no big AT&T spool tables, food in the stainless steal refrigerator, which I bought from the last rented house for a great price, because I am a negotiator and cheap, my car starts, and I had a great nights sleep.

No one is "out to get me." There is no one outside my house with a gun. I have zero debt. I have my health. I am very, very fortunate.

What Happened?
So, what is wrong? You would say, in all candor, "You are an idiot for worrying." You might not say the word, "idiot," but you should and, frankly, you would think it.

Damn, I was spinning out of control Monday. I was spinning out of control a week ago. Everything I learned in Al-Anon seemed to evaporate at certain points and intervals.

I repeat; So, what went wrong?

My Mind Took Over - It Became A Cruel Master
My mind. My mind took over. I was a slave to my mind. I said before, "The mind, a cruel Master, but a good servant." I allowed my mind to become the Master. I did not use it as a tool.

Well, as I look back, I did not exercise (running/jog is my thing), and I did not sleep well.

The sleep thing was the biggest issue. Not sleeping allowed my mind to take control and govern my reactions and responses and my worries and fears GREW in size.

The Edges of Serenity
I look around - having had a good nights sleep - and I feel - well - very fortunate. I feel grateful. As I type those words, grateful and fortunate, and feel them, I also feel a peacefulness, maybe feeling the edges of the place where serenity lives.

I am rereading a book, The Power of Now. It is not CAL approved literature, but it has a lot of good tools that reinforce Al-Anon's tools - or vice-versa.

Intense Presence
The words on page 55 - bottom - "Intense Presence." I am drifting from the writing of the book now into my interpretation . . . When things go wrong, things that trigger fear etc. etc. I become unconscious. I react from the past. I cast my past on the future fast and I become last. I think of people, places and things that can harm me rather than for what they are, and all this thinking is not reality. But my body reacts, and the adrenaline flows, and the emotion comes up. My emotion is my body's reaction to what it believes is happening because of my thoughts. Even though nothing has happened, my brain is causing my body to emotionalize its defensive mechanisms.

One trigger, in this case my soon to be ex-wife's attack through an email, and my lack of sleep and just the pressures of a divorce, a move, a new job, the economy, all in the background, is amplified. And I play into the email trigger by responding with an email, and a follow up phone call which turns into a dozen conversations with someone who can push more buttons.

She knows all the buttons to hit. She is my qualifier. She is like a concert pianist - she can hit the right keys - and I jump. I realize now I am dancing with alcoholism - again. But I have provided the piano. And I am the one dancing. She, well, she is somewhere, in a car, driving, laughing her buttooski off. She got me to react and she got just what she wanted. And - I am the one that allowed it to happen. She is probably a good person - it is the alcoholism. She has buried the alcoholism in her mind and this is what bothers me too. I need to stop trying to play with an inferno of fire and just leave it alone. Instead, I remind her of it. Why? I know why. But why should I try to convince her? I am "going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread." This is an Al-Anon quote. This is my obsession, as I have learned in one of the free pamphlets from Al-Anon about our "disease."

Just for Today I Will Practice Intense Presence
Just For Today - I am going to practice INTENSE PRESENCE. I am not going to allow my mind to drift into the future or past. I am not going to feed these two time devices with anything else other than "distant observation."

I am going to see if I can remember this. I am going to visualize myself in a row boat on a lake, rowing away from shore, and observe from the boat what my mind is trying to grow when it occurs.

A Row Boat - (Or A Life Boat?)
The row boat thing comes from a negotiators book I read years ago from Harvard Negotiations Class. I cannot recall the name of the book right now - but it was a great book. Let me look on Amazon and come back to you . . .

Found it: Getting Past No. Like I said a great book and an easy read.

Intense Presence. I will not identify with my negative thoughts. As soon as I identify with the thoughts, I give the thought more energy and my body starts reacting. If I observe, it takes away the time (past and future) according to Tolle - author of the Power of Now. If I can step out of the time dimension - the thought loses power and I become intensely present.

Let's see if I can remember the rowboat and rowing away from the thought and just observing it from afar. Maybe it is my lifeboat. Interesting thought Joseph.

Increasing Our Dependence On Others

Dependence, Self-Reliance, Opinions of others, Focusing outside ourselves

In my recovery, looking back, I have seen how I increasingly depended upon others opinions and feelings about issues, and frankly about me. I fell into a trap. I was stuck. I did not know what to do.

Now, here comes my ego. I am - not a dependent person - as I say this (write this) - I wonder if this is really true. In my business life, I have run consulting organizations with 300 and 400 people nationally. BFD! BTW. (translated - it is BIG F Deal, by the way).

I write this only because I see how this disease has tricked me into thinking "I am less than." Hell - f' n - O. Is anyone home? My head went into overdrive, into thinking "I was wrong." My perceptions were right - but because the disease is so strong - I lost confidence to trust myself. So, I sought out the opinions of others - or worse - I worried about what others thought of me. My self-confidence was at an all time low.

Now, I am regaining ground.

With this disease, I want to write about what I read this morning. It comes from Ari Kiev - and it is not about alcoholism and its effects. But it is about dependence and self-reliance.

"The increase population and an apparent scarcity of the jobs, residences and rewards, which creates a vicious cycle of increasing dependence on the opinions of others. Stop accepting the necessity of obtaining the things you feel you must have. Th moment you begin to live below your means or at a level where you can maintain control over your life without economic dependency and insecurity, that moment you gain personal freedom.

Don't discuss your decisions to change with anyone who has an inclination to resist change. He will prove insensitive to our desire. Even listening to the "experts" may weaken your courage to act. This would attest only to your suggestibility; it would not mean that your original decision was invalid. Sounding out others for reassurance does not eliminate anxiety of decision-making. In fact, if you discuss crucial matter with unqualified people, you may create more anxiety and confusion for yourself. You have added their uncertainty to your own."

Interesting thought for me this morning. With alcoholism, I was more uncertain. Well-meaning people gave me advice. They gave me looks too, - that I interpreted as positive or negative and this made me more uncertain.

And now with the economy a little crazy right now, it is easy for us (me) to become more worried and more uncertain.

I need to remember:
Focus on myself
Control what I can control
Let go of what I cannot control
Turn over what I cannot to my Higher Power
And
Have Faith. Hope for today. Faith for tomorrow.

Training My Mind

Al Anon, Self Help, Mind Training

I have always been a firm believer that I can just about anything if I train my mind. Yes - train.

Think about that for a minute. Usually when I read words like this - I say, "Yes, of course. I can train my mind." Maybe you do to. Think about this a little differently today. And I hope by using this analogy, I will help you.

Think of a puppy. Yep. A dog. Think about this puppy yipping, running a little wild, and - I'm sorry - but here it comes - peeing all around your house. Yep. Peeing. Going to the bathroom. All over.

Well - that is your mind. Running around, yipping and peeing (or worse - but let's not get vulgar) all around your house - er, your mind. Now sometimes this little mind of yours (ours/mine) is very playful and I believe that's okay, but it would be better if you could control your mind to be playful WHEN you wish it to play - not at random.

I read - somewhere - that "The mind is a great servant, but horrible master." Think and reflect on this statement.

A great servant. You mean, it is my servant? It does not order me around? Yep. That's right. But we've never been taught that it is our servant. We've been taught - maybe not directly - that the mind is in control. Well, that maybe partially true. But there is a big part of our mind that runs rampant, out of control. But there is another part, that wants to control that part of our mind - or should I say - CAN control. We just have to make it a habit - to control and eliminate this crazy thinking, random thought process.

This crazy part of our minds, worries, conjures up fears, and worse, plays these out in our minds. I am sitting in a hotel now, but there is some quote from I think it was Mark Twain, that talks about 90 percent of my fears never occurred.

I found this one from Mr. Twain;
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. ~Mark Twain

Anyway - how do you stop fear and worry?

Answer? Easy - look for the initial signs as the thought enters your mind. And then - recognize it (Awareness) - and - eliminate it through self-talk. Say "Stop. You are not going to enter my mind." And then laugh at it. And say, "There you are!" Making it a joke or laughing, and doing this one little thing - as a habit - can help you recognize this coming in. Seeing - visualizing - this part of your mind - the voice coming in from someone you don't care for - and visualizing their face and then taking a Sharpie Marker (you know - the one that never erases off furniture or the white board) and drawing a clown's face on the person as the person is talking fear and worry in your mind - (draw a big clown's nose, Bozo red hair, and BIG ears etc.) will help you. TRUST ME on this.

And laugh as it tries to enter.

Then turn away to something else more positive or a list of actions you have to get done in the next hour.

Getting busy - one of the key terms in Al-Anon - is what leads us to happiness, for happiness is a by-product of doing something else. If you aim for happiness - in my little opinion and what I have read and researched - you will have difficulty in finding it. If you focus on the efforts of the things you have to do - aiming toward what you desire - but again - focusing on the efforts and finding joy in the efforts - this can lead to happiness.

Eliminating negativity starts with training your mind. Yep. Training. Back to the puppy analogy. Maybe not my best analogy. Maybe it is. But you hopefully now understand, you are the MASTER and no longer have to be servant to it getting fed bad food (thoughts).

A Question from A Reader

Here is a question, a burning desire, from a fellow reader Kelly

Here is here question;

" Hi, I have a question. I'm having a terrible struggle with thoughts of death -- my death, the death of my qualifier -- and they're nonstop. Every awake moment is torture. Which step, slogan, or other reading would be most helpful. I've been focusing on step one and applying it to death in general -- that I'm powerless over death. But even that thought is frightening.

My Fear

Al-Anon - Fear - Turning it over.

I met with the Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) yesterday. The GAL is a court appointed representative for the child.

There have been some issues about strange words and sentences coming out of my daughter mouth that seem to originate from grown-ups. I was VERY angry this weekend when I learned that some things are being said in front of a child during a divorce/custody case.

To me, and I am not trying to be self-righteous (or am I?), the child should be off to the side.

I think everyone will agree - even my qualifier. But because of anger, the affects of alcoholism, etc., maybe things are being said in earshot.

I should have called my sponsor this weekend. A voice inside my head called out three times to call him. The other voice said this was NOT Al-Anon related, so leave him alone. The other voice saying "don't call" was the ego - the voice wanted me to feed on the fear represented by anger. On Monday, I called him. Told him about the voices - and said, "Next time I am calling - even when I don't think it is Al-Anon related." He said, "Absolutely, because it ALL is!"

Interesting. What a friendship! What advice/guidance I receive from him. In truth, as soon as I speak my words out loud confidentially - I almost know what he is going to say. And I know what to do. I just need to "vent" or say the words out loud - almost as if I can measure what I am saying.

Anyway, my fears were unfounded yesterday. I cannot be specific here, but I found that my fear of me losing out - was not justified. I had created scenarios in my head Saturday that placed me in a bad state of mind. I have so much to learn, and the fact that I slipped back into my head and did not call, says I need more programming of the program. I am so grateful to have a program.

Last note, my daughter and her friend and I went roller blading at the park Sunday. It could have been a national disaster, as the trip to the big park was 25 minutes in the car - a lifetime for 11 year olds. And then the wrong socks - they brought footies! I have soooo much to learn. My daughter clinging on me every second - holding on for dear life. I brought them to the restaurant at the park. They have cement floors. I bought them Cokes. And sort of "left" them - to be on their own. They loved being their with all the cool park people.

They skated on the cement floors. When I "picked" them back up, my daughter was skating by herself. Wow! I guess the restaurant with chairs to hold onto and smooth floors was the training ground for them. I am sure two cute girls were no match for the patrons.

We went back down after school yesterday - me and her. There are no hills in the park, until you are wearing roller-blades. Then, any incline and decline becomes a mountain. Well, we went down a mountain yesterday, her clinging onto my arm, she fell twice and I was able to pull her back up before she fell again all in a matter of like 5 seconds. The spill - fortunately - was uneventful, except some park people looking at us - which caused embarrassment for her. I was relieved there were no scrapes as she was wearing really short shorts. Note to Joe: Long pants for her next time!

Emotion - What It Is and How This Can Help You

I have read this before. But today, the definition of emotion means a lot to me, especially in the area of detachment. See if this has some meaning for you today.

Emotion is a reaction between the the body and your mind. You emotionalize things that you are thinking about - not what is actually happening. So, when we feel anxiety or fear, it is the actual thinking or thoughts that trigger the emotion. If we can eliminate the negative thinking - or the thinking that triggers our emotions, then, maybe, we can be detached from the event, situation, person or thing that we thought about.

Does this make sense?

It is not the event or person or thing - but it is our thinking about this that makes us feel a certain way.

By the way, this is true for positive situations, people or things too.

We have to gain control over our evaluation of the triggering event. Our judgment or evaluation as good or bad hooks us.

If we can eliminate this hook - this trigger - the actual evaluation - we can BE - be who we are and live a better life.

One way to look at this, is to look at problems. If we can realize we are NOT the problem and the problem is NOT a reflection on us as a Being, we can realize that circumstances are just that - circumstances.

I think it was James Allen in his works, "As A Man Thinkth," who said "Circumstances do not make the man [or woman], they reveal him to himself." This means to me, that if we can see where we are getting the anxiety from, we have a better understanding of ourselves.

Another word about problems. Life is a succession of problems. As soon as one is solved, another is on its way. This is not negative thinking per se, but life. And if we realize problems are transient - and realize we are not - we can become bigger than our problem we are facing.

Hope this helps you this today

Communication with Ourselves and Others

Do we attract people into our lives by how we communicate to ourselves and to others?

I think the answer is a resounding "Yes." I believe we send "signals" to others unintentionally that tell people how we treat us. I believe our self-worth - or how much value we place in ourselves - is a direct measure of how much we esteem ourselves.

I modified the original post in blue below.

Some of the ways we communicate to others is based upon how we feel about ourselves. And this feeling emanates from how we think - or said differently, how we talk to ourselves. This thinking directs our feelings which directs our actions. Our actions are visible, --> which are congruent with our feelings --> which are congruent with our thoughts.

This "chain reaction" is perhaps the most powerful thing we can learn about how we "invite" others to treat us. And it starts with how we are treating ourselves (talking to ourselves and valuing ourselves).

For example, I have a concern about something that might happen or might not. I start to think about this concern. Thinking about this concern turns to worry. The worry creates fear, which might immobilize from taking action that will prevent it from occurring, and sure enough, it occurs. This is true for me today. I have been putting off something that I know needs to be done. But I cannot tell if it is fear that is holding me back, or if it is a signal not to do it, and that everything will work out if I leave it alone. This is hard for me today - for I want peace. And the thing I have to do, is not a peaceful thing.

We are sending out signals to the universe and people pick up on these signals.

I read that we can eliminate or reduce these affects by going to the source - the thinking and reprogram what we tend to think about "most of the time." Another way is to stop negative and destructive thinking when it occurs by thinking about something else.

And another way is to start doing - (the action part of this) - the things we should or could be doing and reverse the chain reaction. This falls into the category of "fake it 'til you make it."

Last, it helps to have a sponsor and friends in Al-Anon to call when your thinking starts getting out of control.

I hope this message helps this Monday.

PS - I did not call my sponsor. I did calla couple of friends - none of which were there. I went to an Al-Anon meeting at noon, and voila, there was my sponsor. It was good to hear folks share today. It was needed.

Worry - Part 4 (Self-Fulfilling Prophecy)

Today - you get double WHAMMY. Two posts for the price of one!

Okay, as you all know, my favorite term in the world is, "self-fulfilling prophecy." Every time I see this term I realize how significant a role this plays in my life up to now and every single day.

Your subconscious believes the information you pick up (from sight, smell, sound, etc) and stores is true, whether it is true or not. And each time you replay this event or thought in your head, it gets recorded as reality all over again. This rerecording each time you play it in your head, creates and reinforces a dominant belief. You see, you see things not as they are, but as you perceive them to be. That is, because of past conditioning (what you learned to be true from parents, church, school, politics, etc.), you see things through a lens or filter. You interpret the information based upon your beliefs and this reinforces and supports what you already believe in. Does this make sense? THIS IS SO TERRIBLY IMPORTANT.

In other words, if there is conflicting information that goes against what you already "know" as true, you discard it. You discard it out of hand. In 90% of the time, you discard it so quickly, you don't even know that you've tossed it aside, no matter how much you believe you are "open to new ideas."

And so with worry, we tend to look for the worry situation, and act out, and look for the "events" or "patterns" that would reinforce the thing we are worried about.

Here is an example; Let's say your believe your boss does not like you. So, you watch her eyes. She doesn't look at you. Now you know she doesn't like you. Now you ask her how her day is. She says, "It's fine." as she scoots past you in the hallway. She really doesn't have time for you - you say to yourself. This reinforces your nervousness. You now begin to worry about it. You replay the event over and over. You tell your friend of this matter. And of course, not being a trained therapist, they say something like, "Maybe you should look for another job" or "Maybe you should have said, "Hello" this way or that way. This doesn't help because now you are really screwed up. You practice saying "Hellow" now. You sound like a moron. You say "Hellow" now to her and she looks at you wondering if you swallowed a cat, because this doesn't sound like you any more. You see her face and you interpret it as "Jeez I sound like a moron." Now you replay this event in your head.

You don't ask her how she is the next time, because "she doesn't have time for you" or "you don't want to sound like a moron" - so your thinking goes. She (the boss) now wonders, "What the heck is up with her?" You now see that face and interpret it negatively of course.

Now you are insane with fret. So of course you do the next logical thing, you don't look at her at the next meeting. She (the boss) wonders, "Why is she so obstinate?" Now it comes time for you to present to her. You know she doesn't like you. She now thinks you don't like her.

In another meeting it's your turn to present your stuff. She doesn't like what you are presenting, or she says something that you interpret as not liking the entire presentation and in reality, it's just the one message, and . . .

"Voila!" You are now in trouble, because you redo the entire prez. And she now doesn't like any of it. And, again, "Tres voila!" You be in trouble girl-friend.

Do you see this in your life - any where? I do!

Worry - Part 3

Worry is a choice. Did you ever think of worry as being a choice? Or did you think it was automatic and natural?

Worry is a choice, that we select, and maybe, have selected for years. Many of our thinking patterns are choices, but have been selected so many times that the thinking pattern such as worry, occurs "automatically."

We need to break the worry habit. And we have to stop the hamster wheel in our brains from running out of control.

What we worry about just about never occurs that way we think it will turn out. What we are doing is projecting the past, on to the future. Our previous experience makes us worry what could happen.

How can you prevent worry? Or reduce worry? First, recognize it as a thought pattern. Stop right then and there and see it as such. Look at it detached in your mind's eye. See the worry as a "thing" or an object. This will help you detach from it. This actually helps.

Second, decide if there is something you can do about it. If there is, take the preventive measures that it does not affect you (or your loved ones).

If it is someone else's worry, you cannot worry for them.

If you cannot do something about the worry, then, turn it over to God or your HP. He will worry about it.

One more thing about worry from the Orient. "You cannot prevent birds of worry from flying around your head, but can stop them from making nests in your hair."

Got it? Fleeting thoughts are normal. Having them roost in your brain can be disastrous.

Worry - Part 2 (My Formula to Eliminate It?)

At Al-Anon we are provided tools and new thoughts to deal with the worry we sometimes have. At one meeting we talked about "Change" and dealing with "crap." I think "crap" was the euphemism for "Problems." Although the word, "crap," may be a more offensive word - I think it is more accurate.

I was surprised how many people spoke of getting up in the morning and dreading the day. They got up thinking about problems. I thought about this several times over the past week or so since this meeting. Why was it that people got up in the morning thinking about problems and worrying about the crap? Why was this their first thought of the day?

And, did I used to think about the crap or dread the day? Truthfully, I think I did. I think I used to think about the problems I was faced with.

But more importantly, why didn't I think I think about problems or dread the day any more?

These questions are extremely personal - and what I mean by this is - I am not judging myself as better than those who think about problems when they first get up in the morning. I am just trying to figure out when and where I made that shift - from thinking about problems to thinking about and doing - "jumping out of the bed" excited about the day.

Yes, getting out of the bed has been a little tougher lately, due to the problem I am facing.

But, I do not worry or dread the day. Why?

I am thinking this out loud this morning - "Why?"

I think I do a few things that may help you. It is important that I recognize that when I don't do them, my morning is off kilter (what the hell is a kilter?). My morning is like the static on an old TV (remember before we had cable?). These two sentences are meant to reinforce to me to make sure I do these. The most important one is the subject of today's post.

Read Something Inspirational for One Hour Each Morning
First, and I know this has been a life saving event for me, is that I get up early, every morning, including Saturday and Sunday. I mean, by 5AM (sure, some days are tougher, especially when there is real chaos in the house).

So why do I get up soooo early - some may ask. I do this to start my day out with reading of something "inspirational" - something "personally motivational." I reprogram my mind. I get up and study or read - if you prefer -something that is "enlightening" for at least, and I mean at least, an hour. This one thing, has turned my life around from negativity to being positive and optimistic. It has helped me build my self-esteem and my bank account. It has provided me new friends and new thoughts and views of the world. I cannot say enough about it. I can also say that humbly, I still make make mistakes and do and say stupid things. I just don't do as many as I used to - and - I feel good about myself!

But this one thing, has allowed me to gain peace. In some ways it is my meditation. It has allowed me to see the world of one of problems, to seeing the world of one of opportunities.

I first started this about - 18 years ago? I cannot remember exactly. But, I can tell you I was too poor to buy my own books, so I used to go to the library and take home five to 10 books at a time. I would first study books on leadership, management, time management, sales, marketing and self-help. These were my subjects that I was trying to improve in.

I do think this is where I went from dreading the day and thinking about problems to literally jumping out of bed with excitement that this time was mine and that I would have this all to myself.

Try this and see if it works for you. Again, I do this every day, so it has become a habit, a ritual, in my life;

Here are some finer points;

1. Set your clock 30 minutes earlier than you typically wake up. Then a week from now set it another 30 minutes earlier than this. You'll get used to it. You may have to go to bed a little earlier at night. I now get up without an alarm clock.
2. Find some very exciting book you think you would enjoy. Don't read something fictional, or something that is a downer. This is the "rudder of your day" time. It is the time of the day that you can determine which way to sail - north or south. I say - "go North" (i.e. positive).
3. I do this before the sun comes up. I love to watch the sun come up. It is a thing of beauty. I try to sit near a window facing the sun coming up (this is my little deal - may not apply to you.).
4. I sit with a spiral notebook and take notes. It's a cheap notebook. But what this does is a double whammy - I read and write. It focused my brain on the subject and forces me to see and think things I normally would skip over if I was :just" reading. This in and of itself is SUPER powerful. Even if you never go back and reread your notes, you will be surprised how this little thing helps you!
5. The notebook thing - #4 above . . . this also keeps your mind from wandering. Even if you rewrite whole passages - verbatim - from the book. Try it.
6. I drink coffee and ice water. The coffee gets me going. The water, I am not sure why I drink so much water. I just do. This one here - #6, is purely what I do. Probably not important.
7. I do this before anyone is up in the house, or the hotel I am staying in. I do not have a problem going to a McDonald's or Starbucks - even when there are 20 people running around - it's different than when people are running around you that you know, however.

I get such a kick out the morning now. Try this and see.

By the way, the book that I would recommend is a Robert Anthony book. See over to the right of this blog for the titles. Also, any Brian Tracy book. A good one is Maximum Achievement. This is a book about thinking and the universal laws of life.

There are many other books. Perhaps, you can share your books you have found enjoyable.

Good Luck this morning!

Worry - Part 1

At Al-Anon we learn to try not to worry. As I posted before, there are several things that have helped me from "attempting to predict the future, negatively." This - "Attempting to predict the future, negatively" - is my term for worry - that does nothing but make us upset, causes stress in the present, (the right now), and perhaps, even causes the very thing we are worried about to occur (more on this later).

A worrying consciousness helps create a future of sickness, lack and limitation and even poverty. Worrying is "mind poverty." It is poor thinking. It is thinking in the present about the future in a negative manner.

Problems Thrive In the Past and the Future
As a side note, while worry looks forward about the future, we also have the evil twin sister of worry which is "blame." Blame is negative too. However, blame looks backward. Blame looks backward at the past. Looking backward and blaming someone or something that happened to you, is destructive, because it looks at something that cannot be undone. Blame feeds its sister, Worry, because now, Blame whispers to Worry, "What if this happens again?" And the sister, Worry takes over and begins to project the perceived negative past on to the future.

Take a moment and reread that before reading any more.

Does this describe anyone we know? How about, "anyone you know?"

Crazy when we think about this isn't it? We are spending the present thinking about stuff that hasn't happened yet and thinking about stuff that already occurred that cannot be changed.

Constructive Tools To Eliminate Worry
Here are some tools to help you over come "worry" or negatively predicting the future;
1. Look down at you feet. See that they are firmly planted in the PRESENT. Do what you can and think about - those things you can do right now.
2. Reframe the past. What problems occurred that you can REFRAME to be considered opportunities of learning (a.k.a. lessons learned) that will help you in the PRESENT?
3. It will work out. Remember this one? An Al-Anon colleague said, "It will either work out, . . . or, . . . It will work out." When I say this I am able to stop thinking negatively, and breath a little deeper. It works for me. I hope this works for you.
4. God, or if you prefer, your HP, has the plan. He is going to run the Master Plan as he sees fit, for the advantage and benefit of all involved. If you turn your worry over to him, he is big enough to handle the worry. It's his job. It's a 24 by 7 duty, that he has assigned to himself.
5. We worried yesterday, about what? Have you ever looked back at what you were worried about yesterday? Can you remember a year ago? How about five years ago? Do you recall all those things you thought you could never get through? Now, what about these things today?
6. Practice "constructive worry elimination." This is my term for thinking about worry in a more positive light. Such as; "If I lose my job, maybe I will get a better one, and this will be my chance to do what I love to do." Or, "If I lose this relationship, maybe I will have a chance to meet someone and do some things I would never have been able to do." Do you get the drift? You can even be more specific, such as; "If I lose this account, I know it will be tough for a few weeks, but it will free up two hours a day, to allow me to try and win over these other, better accounts (clients)."

Give up worrying. Worrying is negative goal setting (more on this later - perhaps tomorrow). Worrying has no future in it.

Have a great day!

Out of Town

My job requires me to travel. Today, last night, I am out of town. It usually means my qualifier - spouse - can go get wine and drink while my daughter is at school.

I worry about that. I used to worry a lot more. Why am I not worrying about this as much this time?

I think I know why. I used to think no one believed me, that my qualifier was an alcoholic or had a problem drinking. This made me crazy. I kept on trying to "prove" to others that she had a problem. Not overtly like Paul Revere riding through town. I think I did this because for the past several years my wife told her family and friends that I was an asshole (I can be sometimes - or was), and that I was a controlling person (this I never was, in fact, if I could delegate control and have someone else be in charge, I'd be very happy).

So,

Anytime I said something about thinking that my wife was drinking today, that I would think people looked at me "as just being that asshole again - just making an excuse to try to curtail by controlling my wife's drinking."

So,

Why am I not worried - or as worried as I used to be? Is the answer because now we all know she does have a problem, and that if I ask for help, I can get it?

I still carry the three bottles of wine in the trunk of my car, that I fished out of a trash container in front of a major grocery store, in broad daylight, with nice people with children going in and out of this past summer. Fishing three bottles out of a trash container is a funny story, of which I am very proud of (proud is a word that is a little blustery - "OK with" might be better). But others in Al-Anon that I have told that story to, may have them wondering about me and my sanity. It is a funny story though - we'll tell it soon. You can decide whether to laugh at me or with me. And the good news is, I will never know :-) !

So,

Why the three bottles still in the trunk of my car? The answer is, I think, because the power of decepton was so great, that I doubted myself when I thought she was drinking. And I began to think I was the one with the problem. I was the one who some how caused this drinking, or this argument, or this sense of worthlessness I sometimes feel at home, or any of the other multitude of problems our marriage faced(s). The three bottles are a reminder, that I am not crazy. That she did drink them in 35 minutes, from her friends house, on the way home, to our house, so she wouldn't have "lost time" in the day.

So,

Why am I not worried? I am going to ponder this. I hope I don't get myself worried by pondering.

Oooops. I almost did it. You know, I am not going to ponder. This is one of those things below the surface, that is scratching the thin veneer trying break through to cause me to spiral until I spiral out of control. I will not ponder. Move on and through it.

This morning I am going to workout. I am going to substitute one thing for another (workout for a ponder). Then shower up and head to Starbucks and read something inspirational. I carry with me a pocket sized book of The Secret Formula for Total Success (now called Beyond Positive Thinking). Don't be put off with the title. It explains how your mind works and how to make it work for things you want to achieve, be, have, etc.