Tell Me Not To Send This

Anger. Yes. I was angry. Today, I am not. How can I be angry and pissed off - and the next day I am not?

What was I angry about? I was angry at being controlled.

But in reality, I was angry at the THOUGHT of being controlled.

Interesting today that I can see that clearly. No one actually controls me. I was in my head. I needed to come out. I needed to vent and release.

The letter/email I wrote to my spouse - was first sent to my lawyer. The email subject line;

"Tell me not to send this."

His 300 dollar response;

"Don't send this."

Wow. Amazing. Thank you for the 300 dollars. Well, all good lawyers will say something more to justify their costs.

So he also said this; "It's too emotional."

Well, that's the third time he has said that to me over the course of my hiring him. So, I didn't send this "emotional email."

Anyway, I began "dwelling" on this reply from my lawyer. A little levity here, please. "Too emotional." Well, that is a pretty stupid response now that I think about it. If you are going through a divorce, is there any "logic" to what people do and say? Especially those of us on both sides of the glass who have been affected by alcohol?

Too emotional. That's pretty stupid from a divorce lawyer.

Today I Am Pissed

Yesterday my child came to stay at my house. My child went to bed the night before, at 9:30PM. My child was dead tired when I called yesterday morning. My child has exams all week - and it was/is an on-going problem where my wife is undisciplined and cannot get herself to put our child to bed at a decent hour.

On-going. We used to fight like hell about this. Our child's eating habits and what time our child would go to bed.

My controlling the uncontrollable. The drug of alcohol is powerful. No one but you dear reader understands how we get swept up in the vortex of emotion and deceit. We are lied to so well, that we believe we are the problem.

The alcoholic can be a crazy nut. Now that I am out of the relationship I am doing much better. But I am still hooked. I am hooked still - but less than I was before because I am not living in the midst of the alcoholic's crazy life. But my child is.

A Guardian (a person appointed by the court to see if the child is protected or abused) cannot understand the vortex of hell in living with an active alcoholic. No one can. It is a bitch. And I (us/you) get sucked in to the contribution of hell. We make it worse to be sure. Al-Anon is a way to get out of the friggin' contributing to the hell.

Except - I still get hooked.

My wife has purposely - I am positive now - forgets to pack our child's "favorite" sleeping pj's. I offer to buy some for my house - but our child wants her "special" clothes.....

So, at 8:50PM after a nice dinner my child gets ready for bed. No PJs.

The little child is tired from the night before. He/she cries. He/She screams. The child calls Mom - and mom of course, is righteous.

She - the mom - is out with AA friends. She says I have to get home by 4PM to pick up our child's pet and clothes and stuffed animals. I work you see - in a bad economy. I switched jobs to not travel. I am new in my role - a high paying role to be sure, but she is forcing me to leave the office - BECAUSE she has a meeting to go to - at 4:30PM and will not be home until 9:30PM.

The alcoholic is manipulative because the disease is so cunning. And I am sucked into the middle of it. I am afraid I will be stuck in it the rest of my life.

I pray this morning for myself. This is seemingly selfish as I write this - but it is true. My anger is high. But I have learned to not trust my anger. It is a reflection of alcoholism - the disease - and what it wants me to do so it can rejoice and justify itself in it's host. It is hiding, lurking, looking for the moment to hook me and make me rage against it. I make it powerful and strong by my rage.

I need to remember this. I make it stronger by my negative, angry reactions to it.

It is trying to win by making me look bad. I will look like the crazy loon. And it can say to its host, "See. I told you it's not me. Let's drink baby! Look everyone, it is true, he is the maniac. I am okay."

Son-of-a-bitch. Now I remember. That's what it is trying to do!!!!!!! Make me the lunatic.

I almost fell for it. You bastard. You will not win if I don't feed you.

PS - I edited this post. I do not edit often. I just write and blah - there it is.

PPS - note the new poll above FOLLOWERS. Yep. I aim to please. Because? I am a people pleaser.

Resentments

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night where the discussion was on resentment.

I heard some neat tidbits. Here's one;

"When I begin to feel a resentment, that's the moment where I began to feel like a victim."

Here's a few more;

"My resentments usually are when I am trying to get someone to do something other than what they are doing."

"I am trying to control reasonable responses or reactions of others."

Note the key word here is "reasonable." These responses of others (or reactions or actions) may be and probably all are, reasonable. Ya know why? Just because they are not what I might do or say, doesn't make them unreasonable.


The key one I heard was . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . "To give up resentment, try forgiveness."

OKAY. NOW ABOUT ME
I am going court next month. It is a trial by jury. Yes. In my state we have the option of trial by jury in divorce cases. I made several (a bunch, probably too many) attempts to settle, to mediate, and offer a last settlement. No answer. No counter offer.

So, I pray.

I resent the legal system. I wanted to share that I resent divorce lawyers. The truth always get skewed. And when dealing with an alcoholic and attorney who want MONEY, this is like setting your money on fire and trying to douse the flames with gasoline.

My child has also been impacted. She listens to every conversation my wife has had about me and obviously what is said not positive. I resent that too.

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I am trying to let go and let God. I run to relieve the stress, but I hit a wall at about 20 minutes into the run, and I have to stop. No energy. No ZEST.

So, now, I turn this over to God with this post (And probably a few more between now and then).


And now I am going to . . . . . . . Forgive.

New Year - A Chance To Begin Again (A Do Over)

It's a New Year. A chance to begin again. A "do-over" in life. I used to think I would have to wait until the New Year to begin something for real - like a diet - because the New Year made it feel more "official."

Actually, every moment is a chance to begin. A chance to change course. A chance to - start all over again - without the guilt and burdens of the imperfect things you have done or may have said.

Removing the Burdens of the Past
You are in my way of thinking - perfect. There should be (I know "should be") no burdens of the past. With no burdens of the past - aren't we perfect?

There is a lot of talk in Al-Anon that we are not perfect. Here is where I disagree.

I believe we are perfect. What we do or what we say is not perfect. I am connected to my Higher Power and created so that goodness flows through me. I am a human being, living in a world of other human beings and my reactions to them and to the circumstances of "life" are not always in harmony or balance.

The teachings of Al-Anon help me center and react to the stresses of life more perfectly. The works of Al-Anon help teach me what is right or more right than how I used to respond.

If I can shed my disease of thinking too much - I can be a much better person - not to others and for the "sake of humanity," but - for me. This in and of itself is a break through. The words, "for me" are strangers to my lips and my mind. I have always reacted for others. I have been a caretaker, caregiver, advice giver, counsellor, fixer.

Changing and A Do-Over
I am changing. I now know I can claim a do-over. Now. Officially. For this is a New Year.

Yes - I am changing my thought patterns - with new thought patterns. One of the areas I am changing is I have become more open. Or so I believe. Let me give you what I think is a big example of my changing;

I have a friend who believes in Numerology. I would have thought this person was nuts. But I listened, read this person book on it and it was - well - interesting. I was a "number 1." Not surprisingly. But my "number 1" put me at odds with others - especially other "number 1's." I won't go into the details - because this is not the point of whether this is believable or not - but what is, is the fact that I would have thought this was crazy.

So, back to a do-over. As a kid, I grew up in the northeast. We would play baseball, football, kickball, and board games and whatever - all day. A do-over is when you swung and missed and claimed a "do-over" for some unexplained reason. Or you moved a piece on the board and it was a huge error and for some reason - like you had not been paying attention - claimed this "Do-over thing."

So, today - I am claiming a "Do Over" - officially. This do over thing gives me permission to change, steer the ship on a smoother course. The Time Machine (above picture) is of course not real and we cannot go back in time to undo stuff that we feel we may have done that has harmed us or others. But the Time Machine is symbolic in that we can "do over" now whatever we want by beginning to Let Go (there's that slogan again - See yesterday's post below) of the past. If I can let go of the past, the past cannot rock my ship like waves banging against the hull. The path I take or course, if I can follow this damn metaphor properly, is smoother without the past banging against the side of my ship, (my brain), trying sink me.

The past is a burden we carry around that keeps us from enjoying this second, this moment. It causes us (me!!!) to think we are (I am) not perfect and therefore should be punished (my guilt) or not forgiven because we are unworthy of being forgiven.

What "Perfect" Does For Me
I have come to believe we all are perfect. And the moment we live in - I live in - is perfect - because this is where I am supposed to be and I cannot undo God's Will. That everything I have done or what has happened is and was out of my control more often than not and to hold that thought helps me ease off on the brakes of my life and helps me accept myself and others. It releases.

The gift of the program about not being perfect - and this what I believe Al-Anon is really trying to teach me is that it is helping me understand that we are all imperfect and if so, we are all okay - especially me! And this MEANS YOU!!! And you know who you are as you read this! You are okay and will be okay.

It is a hard concept to understand and my brain, ego, previous programming, does not want me to look at myself in this way. My disease wants to call attention to the stupid stuff I did or hurtful things I have said or what I believe other have done to me. That is my burden. That is what I am shedding and calling a do-over on.

Last - this thought entered my mind - if I can just shut up most of the time - I can be of no harm to myself. What do I mean? I have this tendency to verbalize my thoughts. I "think out loud." When I hear myself think - I go - okay, I get it. Later, however, I sound stupid or say something stupid and I am perceived as a little weird. I am learning - even at my age - this is not a great thing to do at work. Especially with all the left brainers I work with.

Shut Up and HALT (so I don't call a do-over)
But more importantly - to shut up when I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired. The tired thing trips me up a lot lately. It used to be angry, but I understand my anger now. Now I am just not sleeping fully or resting fully. So when that happens, my propensity to "think out loud" occurs more often and my guard is down, and then I say something that is not the most intelligent. And, when I am tired, I am quick to anger. My anger spews forth in words I am soon to regret and in reality have no real baring on what or how I feel toward another person. This is another place where I wish I could do immediate "do overs."

Thank God for Al-Anon. I am seeing the speed bumps on my path of life more clearly. And the speed bumps are usually what I have placed in the road - not someone else's.

Amazing.

So, officially, I am Letting Go and claiming a "do over."

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Restoring Ourselves to Sanity

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Restoring Ourselves to Sanity

If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting.

The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 5/9/08 and runs to Sunday 6/11/08 evening.

Note: To view this Post and the Comments at the same time, click on the link here ---> (click here). Or you can click on the title of this Post in order to get a better view of the Post and the Comments.

Here are some guidelines ---> Click for Guidelines. Bottom line; say what you want, when you want, as many times as you want, to whomever you want, about whatever you want. Cross-talk is allowed ("cross-talk" is talking to each other, not being "cross" to the other).

This is where we start:
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This is from the Al-Anon Pamphlet "Freedom from Despair"

Specialists in the field of alcoholism regard it not as a moral weakness or sin, but as a complex disease, perhaps part physical and part emotional. Alcoholics tend to be sensitive and emotionally immature, excessive in their demands on themselves as well as others. When they fail to live up to their own standards, they escape from reality by drinking. The habit leads to obsessive drinking, a compulsion so powerful that not even the threat of death or insanity seems to break it. One drink sets up an uncontrollable craving that only more drinking can appease.

. . . . The alcoholic needs encouragement and understanding whether drinking or sober. By detaching ourselves from the alcoholic's problems and concentrating restoring ourselves to serenity, we encourage the alcoholic to seek and keep sobriety.

Five Common Traits of Our Disease (Derived from the Al-Anon pamphlet, "Understanding Ourselves and Alcoholism"
{These are the key words/sentences and thoughts I pulled out]

We, too, can become ill.
We hide bottles. We search the house. All our thinking become directed at what the alcoholic is doing or not doing. This is our obsession.

Watching them slowly kill themselves . . . We worry about the bills, the children, the job . . . This is our anxiety

The alcoholic's behavior sooner or later makes us angry. He is telling us lies, not taking responsibilities, feel he doesn't love us (as parents and children) . . . This is our anger

We pretend things are alright. We hide how we feel. . . . This is our denial

Perhaps the most severe damage to us is the nagging belief that we are somehow at fault. We may feel we are not good enough, good-looking enough, clever enough for not having solved this problem . . . These are our feelings of guilt.

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See if the five ways we are affected resonate with you. I know they do with me. I can even carry these behaviors to non-alcoholic environments, like work or friendships, or while being alone.

So this is where we comment!

Our Pain

Eckhart Tolle and his book "A New Earth" can, I believe, help us in our recovery. However, I want to point out that Al-Anon approved literature is critically important to our recovery. One of the reasons to use and read and discuss Al-Anon approved literature is because it relates directly to our situation of dealing with our qualifiers who have addictions and specifically, alcohol. Secondly, it keeps us all from introducing new material that dilutes that material everyone else is reading which can make our lives even more confusing and - what we need least of all - more chaos.

However . . .

Today and probably a few more posts, I am going to refer to this book by Eckhart Tolle, "A New Earth." and hopefully provide some thoughts I what I have found to be interesting and helpful, at least to me.

The book talks about our pain (referred to as "pain-body"). That this is a negative emotion that could be picked up from our childhood, or from a collective group unconsciousness (such as Native American Indians and their treatment by early European settlers - this is not meant to be a political statement or argument, but just to be used to provide an example).

Often, we do not see this pain-body or pain we have suffered. And we have not dealt with it in a manner that corrects or least resolves it. The pain we keep and feel is fed by our thoughts.

It is only by being conscious in the present that we can relieve this pain. By thinking about the past, and dredging up the problem, we feed the pain. We need to figure out how to stay focused in the present. By thinking about the future, we also feed the pain. It gets larger and larger as we allow our minds to worry (think about the past and the future).

It is hard to worry if you are staying in the present with your thoughts. I - personally - am a big violator of this message. And it has only been through Al-Anon that I learned the pain I am suffering is because thinking about and visualizing the future. I sometimes grieve and pull up the past, and say, unconsciously, "if only."

Back to the book . . .

The pain-body can no longer control your thinking if you don't identify with it and can no longer control your thinking and therefore your emotions. This is a huge task for us to work on.

If you - we - can sever the link between it (the pain-body) and your thinking, the pain-body loses its energy. Your thinking ceases to be clouded by emotions; your present perceptions are no longer distorted by the past. The past can be made up of the real suffering we experienced, as well as the imagined suffering caused by playing the negative event(s) over and over again in our minds. This replaying of negative events has fed the pain-body and has kept us from living the joyful life we were meant to live out.

Now this may be easier for some. Because we are in circumstances currently that overwhelms us in an alcoholic environment. We seek answers and control over a situation we are not in control of. We tell ourselves that if we "let go" that we are not doing our duty to help the other person. And we learn - but hate to hear - we cannot fix another person's addiction.

For others, who are not living in the alcoholic environment, we are still affected by it. We are "sensitized" to stimuli that conjures up the past. Or, we think about the past. Or we react, reflexively as if the past was occurring all over again.

How do we recover?
Well, one way, as I mentioned, is staying present. Stay in the Now. This keeps us from feeding the pain with thoughts.

Second way to recover, forgiveness. True forgiveness. Forgive everyone you meet. Forgive everyone who offended you. As Tolle points out, "your victim identity dissolves, and your true power emerges-the power of Presence. Instead of blaming the darkness, you bring in the light."

Right versus Wrong

I have been reading - a lot lately - about our "ego." I have seen almost the same words in different books talking about our "ego" - what I would call "our false self." I am not sure if this term is something I just made up, or something that I read, so with apologies to anyone who recognizes it as from someone or some writing - please know that I am not "stealing" or trying to take credit.

"False self" is to me a really good term for our ego - the part of us that wants us to identify with another person, another thing (like money, car, prestige, role, etc.) or a situation and being right. Typically this ego - our false self - gets caught up in a "right versus wrong" approach to life. More accurately - it can come down to this; "I am right and you are wrong."

And it carries to this, if you are right and I am wrong, I am "less than" or "I am bad." Our ego gets us caught up in "positions" . . . and not just "being" . . .

Our true self, is wrapped up or cloaked in our ego. Our ego is a "filter" in which we see the world, and presents us with false information that continues to bolster our "position" or beliefs and tries to make us "right."

If we can "surrender" our rationale for being "right" and not fear that being "wrong" makes us less than or not complete, maybe we can live better lives.

Of course, living in a world encased in alcoholism is difficult, because the alcoholic cannot surrender the ego. In fact, arguing makes their ego stronger and in effect emboldens them to carry on. This is a great reason to detach and not engage. Because not only does it make their ego stronger, it makes our ego stronger. Except when it makes our ego stronger, this actually keeps us from achieving serenity, which is really what we want.

This strengthened ego now affects us and how we deal with people on the outside (not in our home and our children), because of the tension and our frustration of dealing with the alcoholic.

We have to remember this too, that until the alcoholic really reaches freedom from working the Steps, they cannot surrender, and their ego, their false selves, are running their lives, making them "right" and never wrong - because they are in denial and wanting to protect the ego and their addiction. And they are great at making us feel "less than."

We need to not engage and remember we are never "less than!"

Some of the information contained here is derived from The Truth About You (Robert Anthony), The New World (Eckart Tolle), Al-Anon literature and a few others.

Last Post (today anyway)

Ok. So, Wife and I argue about daughter's nutrition. I say she's not eating fruits - period. Wife - who is going to AA, and came out rehab, says "Yes she is."

It is a "he said" versus "she said" thing for a second. I say, "Tell me what she eats or what do we have in this house that resembles a fruit?"

She goes, "Look, she eats Fruit Roll-ups." I say, "Are you kidding me?"

Her mind is fried I think. Or she is very good at trying to make me crazy. I realize she cannot make me crazy as I type this. I know this is stupid talk.

I control what I decide to think about me. Again, this is the easy part. My daughter thinks Fruit Roll-ups are fruit. (In truth my daughter is pretty smart. She knows they are basically candy. And she senses she is not eating the right food.)

She (daughter) was eating pasta every day. Until I intervened. It was easy to cook. No butter. No sauce. Just parmasan cheese. Every day. And all day. No joke. No exagerration. I did not know. Now I know.

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I should be kind, and compassionate. It is hard. It is very hard.

I went and found an Al-Anon meeting yesterday, because of this new found resentment. I searched my little white folded piece of paper - it has all the meetings where I live, the times, whether it is for women or men, gays, adult children of alcoholics or whatever. I carry one in the car, one at my desk and ine in my briefcase. I worry a little, because some people I work with may actually see the folded piece of paper.

Where it was held was in some rundown place. It was not the best place I have been to in the world. But when I got there, I sat in the chair, a big plastic chair, the bad ones from Walmart for 5 bucks. But, I felt a calm over take me.

I breathed deeply. And I breathed deeply again. Calm. People who understand my situation. They all understand. Even though they are from different backgrounds. It is nice to be understood and to vent (we call it "sharing" but I vented).

Everyone always laughs when I tell my story. I think I try to make it funny because we are all in pain. It may also be that it because I am afraid to show my pain and it is a way of covering it up.

Everyone there, I have never met before, except for one guy. We met at a meeting a few times before. There were several moments where there is silence. This was where no one says anything.These are hard moments. I feel a compelling desire to tell others "Speak! I want to hear your story. And I want you to know it's okay." One new gentlemen, young, who's wife went into rehab, said during the first silent moment, "Now what do we do. Just sit here?" I nearly laughed myself off of the plastic chair - trying to keep silent guffawing (is that a word? who knows).

What has this got to do with Roll-ups and Resentment? Nothing. Except they start with R. But yesterday's Al-Anon meeting topic was Guilt. And I turned the meeting into resentment when it came to me. Or at least part of discussion was resentment in the voices of others. Guilt and Resentment, two evil sister lurking under the skin able to spread like a little fire damaging our well-being. One holding our head down in shame and self-talk that beats you up to a pulp. The other, anger, on a slow burn. It's mission: to fester until eats your heart one bite at a time.

We at Al-Anon suck sometimes at making it easier on new comers. So after 5 people spoke, I talked to the newcomers when my turn came around. I told them they will not get open advice here in the meeting, that if you listen, you begin to hear options and tools and ways of dealing with your situation. It is a "magical" thing that just occurs. Sounds like bullshit (I didn't say that because some woman brought her son who was all of about 4 years old to sit and he did which was amazing), but that no matter what the situation, we can help guide you and in cases where you need help hang around at the end. But we do suck at making new people feel welcome, at least in the meetings I have been to.

This Thursday, I take my daughter to an Al-Ateen meeting. I have cleared it by talking to a number of people. One lady spent 30 minutes on the phone with me to insure it was alright for a 10 year old. She will be in a room with children from 9 to 12 years of age. I am not as concerned about this as I once was. We'll see.

Got to go out for a run and read something inspirational.
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Thank you for your kind remarks today. I consider you - strangely - as close friends. Even those that have skimmed the blog and have not said anything.
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If you note over to right we will pass 10,000 readers this week. I put that little counter over there I think sometime in November when I was messing with Blog Gadgets.

10,000 readers. But not everyone is commenting. Feel free to comment, but no rush. But realize, no one knows who you are and we are with you all the way.
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Also - we have just slightly over 300 readers this past weekend. I almost forgot to mention that part because I was resenting all over the place this morning. Great job by all this weekend

My Resentment - An Update (Late breaking)

Al-Anon spouse works. AA spouse plays tennis. Who is stressed here?

So, I am working with conference calls and the normal issues of a hard, good job. My wife is at a tennis lesson this morning.

A Little Background
My wife decides to play tennis. Oh yes, I failed to mention because she does not work, will not work, that's right, she refuses to work, because it is "too much stress" on a "recovering alcoholic." At least that was one of the stories she fabricated, why she could not work. She said they at the clinic said don't work. Actually I semi-believed it. But the clinic people said she should. It would keep her occupied and doing something. What is it? "Idle hands makes for the devils playground"

She never played tennis before. She is uncoordinated. But NOW she does. She actually stinks at it but because she has nothing to do and wants to present a good front, she is out with the girls.

This sucks

Back to This Minute
So, the school nurse calls me. Can't find your wife. So we are calling you. Apparently your daughter has a bladder infection. Dear Joe, who now has to drop everything, reschedule the con calls, goes to the school picks up our daughter, which I absolutely have NO problem doing, and takes daughter to doctor.

But the problem I have is my wife, mother of my child, has cell phone turned off at tennis lesson as it may interupt the lesson and distract the other girls.

Are you friggin' kidding me???? AM I in a nightmare here?

This only gets worse. It's not the drunkeness, it's the selfishness. Damn this is hard.

My Resentment - Trying To Overcome

Al-Anon can't fix a trip but can help me reframe and vent. My alcoholic spouse hacks me off because she doesn't think or consider others. This past Saturday afternoon was tough for me. I was hacked off that my wife will be leaving for the lake/mountain to meet her buddies this coming Saturday.

One of my sales people quit this past Friday night. Adding another complexity to this week coming up. He had several appointments and presentations with clients lined up that I was supposed to go to. But because my wife "decided" just to go to the lake the week before, I had to rearrange my work plans to stay home.

My Wife's Trip To The Lake House/Mountains - Unconsulted, Unplanned (Another totally selfish act)
As you may recall, in an earlier blog post I mentioned this, she never consulted my schedule, she just scheduled it. I found out through my daughter that my alcoholic spouse/wife/roommate (that says it right there - roommate) that she decided to go to the lake/mountains with the same girls she would get drunk with.

When I confronted her, my wife, and said, "You just got out of rehab, don't you think this is premature??" She said, "I decided I am going, all my other friends are going." Then I found out ALL her OTHER friends were not going, that others had obligations (like who knows?? staying home because they are too old to party? and now have lives like taking care of their children and being with their families?). She said, also, "I need a vacation." I wanted to say, "YOU NEED A VACATION, from WHAT??? From coordinating the tutors I lined up? From unlocking the door for our house cleaner to come in (no they have a key)?"

Are you friggin' kidding me???

I am staying in this marriage because:
A.) The Luuve I receive? (that's "Love" said with sarcasm)
B.) The appreciation I get?
C.) The help my daughter gets for studying?
D.) The opportunity to pay my wife's bills? (no, not this one, I took her credit cards away that I paid for, and now make her pay her own things)
E.) The opportunity to be able to blog about her?

If you said "E" that is probably the closest answer to accurate or truth I can possibly find. I does provide some material to write up. (that's sarcasm again).

I should give a "F" option. "F" would be the opportunity to spend $130 per hour on a therapist and rant there about this problem. Oh yeah, right, I am reframing that too. I mean not a therapist, I coach, a mentor. A guide through life and help me find the door to float freely across the universe and be happy and sing merry songs of peace. I think I hear the birds of tranquility chirping now. No. Those are the black crows perched on my wife's shoulder making that noise. Again, to be read with sarcasm or facetious.

So, back to this lake get-away thing.

I have these appointments and presentations I need to realign. Not going to be easy. I MAY have to go to a place in the country that is not easy to get to and with the weather as it's been in the past 2 weeks, the delays may keep me from coming home on time so I can be there to meet my daughter coming off the bus or be there to tuck her in Thursday night.

I have to go test my resources, the friends in the neighborhood I have made as potential helpers, just in case I do have to go out of town, they can be there to take my daughter off the bus and maybe feed her.

So it's now 7AM where I am, and my wife will make the usual bread and put a huge amount of butter on the side of a plate for my daughter to eat for her morning breakfast. I have intervened and said "no more" we need to eat fruit, making me the "bad guy" to my daughter and a "control freak" to my wife. I will show you all later what my wife considers "fruit" by the way. She and I had this little argument about fruit roll-ups. She called them fruit.

One More Thing - Making This Problem an "Opportunity"
Oh yeah. One more thing. I am trying to make a "silk purse out of a sow's ear," (I really don't use that saying in real life) but this little excursion beach trip was unplanned, and I was not consulted about whether this fits into my schedule.

So, to make this problem an "opportunity," I have decided to take my daughter some place this weekend. It will not be easy, because I had a couple of personal meetings this weekend that I need to rearrange. But that is easy to change. We are planning to go some place warm - by plane. Maybe - well who knows? I am reframing this "issue" with my wife, who didn't ask about whether it was convenient for us or me or my work or my daughter or anyone else. I could use this as another opportunity to be close with my daughter and do a little bonding and just go have fun.

For those of you in Al-Anon or in a predicament like this (an alcoholic spouse) who do not have children, Al-Anon boundary setting, and detachment doesn't work like you or someone without children can understand. It really complicates things. "Let go and Let God" is not always the answer, however, I have learned that quotes like this are often misapplied. I am rambling here, but there is a point. If you are in a relationship with an alcoholic and you are thinking of having children, far be it from me to tell you what to do, for I have the most beautiful daughter in the world and I would give ANYTHING for her, but if you are thinking of having children, and that this might "fix" your spouse, you are really complicating your issue by 10 times (10X). Because it's no longer just about you. You can set boundaries and walk away. But with a child, if you are aware of what is happening, you start to see things occuring that affect them and you have to begin protecting this little innocent creature who is now subject to mental abuse, that is often, very subtle. [Did I just write that? Yes I did. "Mental abuse that is often very subtle." And those of you who have children and are married to an alcoholic know what I mean, don't you? I did write that. I am typing very slowly now, verrrry slowly. I think I just realized something that my brain is saying to me that I keep fighting.]

A Character Defect?

"A character defect?" is the title of this post. It is probably better to write "What Can Be A Character Defect?" I read in the Al-Anon book, "Hope for Today" the other night a great passage. And I want to share it with you.

As we all know by now, Al-Anon is for us. The people who are affected by alcoholism. But I believe Al-Anon could be useful for anyone, even those unaffected by alcoholism. For the right meeting is about just good living tools - practical guidelines, that not everyone received growing up.

My Program
I am working on Step 1. Step 1 is about admitting your life in unmanagable because of alcohol. It says very specifically, alcohol - not the alcoholic - not the person.

Step 1 is a hard one for me. It says, "I am powerless." This is hard for me, because it means I have to surrender. I am not a quitter. But everytime I fight the alcoholic - I am really fighting alcohol. When I realize this I am OK.

When you want to fight with the alcholic because he or she acts arrogant and smug, we become locked into a "death dance." We are actually feeding the alcohol and the disease. It is making the alcohol stronger and more righteous. It makes us angry and frustrated. Do you understand this?

Our best defense or offense is to say "We are powerless over alcohol." And therefore not feed it. We - that means you, Joseph - must realize that we have to not address her or the alcohol. Right now we have to remember we are powerless over alcohol.

So, back to the passage. If you go to the index in this book - or any Al-Anon book, (like the labels to the below and to the right, on this Blog) you can find all the readings and issues to help you get over the moment or issue you are struggling with.

So, I go to the index and look for about "Powerlessness." I go to page 59, where I find a great reading. The passage goes like this, and these are my words how I interpret them;

"As a child [or a spouse] of an alcoholic, I was powerless over the criticism [or conflict] Note: my words are in brackets.

To survive this upbringing I had to develop defenses. When I no longer needed these defenses, these defenses became character defects.

As an adult, I was still powerless over the effects of my father's [spouse's] abuse.

It was the effects of alcoholism over which I was powerless!

The awareness helped me take my first step. I realized that my father [spouse] had been just as powerless over his alcoholic father as I had been over him. When my father was a little boy, he didn't say, 'When I grow up, I want to be an alcoholic.' This understanding and insight brought me compassion and forgiveness for my father [spouse]."

This makes sense. What if the crap I learned to shield my self-esteem fighting with alcoholism have become a habit that is now holding me back? They have in essence become "character defects."

This is why I think Al-Anon is good for me. I like insightful things that I haven't considered, even though they are so intuitively obvious now that I have read it.

I must take action to correct these things. The good news is this; that all Al-Anon members are working the same issues. And they support you in getting these things fixed. The key is within you.

Two Posts Today - The Michigan Study & My RANT

The real post is below. This post just is pure venting. So, my apologies.

It's 7;30AM. My wife just walked into my study (the place where I work when I am not in the basement in my office). She pushed the guilt button about my daughter and her studies. The insinuation was, "She is not doing well because of . . . " I could sense where she was going and she was going to go to the place, "because maybe she has a learning disorder." This is the scapegoat policy of my wife. The "I am never taking responsibility for anything about anyone - including my own actions or inactions." It pisses me off. I told her, that, she needed to leave my office/study and I will take care of my daughter who has a test today. I will help her study, I said. It was not a pleasant exchange. It wasn't a blow up. But my reaction was direct. So much for detachment ladies and gentlemen. I, now, am pissed off. My apologies. My button was pushed. My button is blame and not taking responsibility to correct or address the real issue(s).

My wife won't take the time to study with her. She is "too busy." She does not work. Too busy doing what?! I cannot set a boundary on this one because my daughter suffers.

My wife could have been a contender [okay I stole this from the movie "On the Waterfront" - so sue me! ;-) ] She is smart. Attractive. Articulate. From a great family. But no responsibility. No accountability. What the hell happened? As the Talking Heads song goes, "Well, how did I get here?"

Ok - I am not pissed any more. But here is the important part of this blog post of this morning's RANT.

But if you have been watching the news this week, you have heard all over the news, that fighting couples live longer. Here is a couple of links in case you have been entombed the past two days (it's a slow news week -so it's all over the news)

1. From USA Today click here
2. From Fox News click here

So, with this news, that couples who fight live longer - I now know I am going to live to be 150!

One more thing Michigan . . .
. . . What you fail to report is this: that this life of fighting will provide a long life - but it will be a long life of misery.

Which one do you want? A life of happiness and normal life span? Or a longer life span marked by fighting?

I report. You decide. Thank you for letting me blow off some steam this morning.

An Old Indian Story - A Lesson & Tool

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight between two wolves."

"One is evil - he is anger, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, inferiority, false pride, superiority and ego."

"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love. hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

"The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather which wolf would win.

The old Cherokee replied, "The one you feed!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What this old Indian parable means to me is this; You get what you pay attention to. This is a version of; "You become what you think about." It is also another form of the newly popular, "The Law of Attraction."

What can we learn from this? How can we keep the wolf of negativity from winning? We need to focus on what you want, not on what you don't want. We feed the positive or the negative through what we think about.

The main thing we have control over in life is what we decide to think about. How we think determines our actions (or our behavior). And our thinking, what we think consistently about over time, becomes our destiny. Change your thinking, and you do change your life.

I hope this note finds everyone very well.

Blame & Anger & Codependency - The Root Cause?

Blame.
What a word..."Blame." Often we look for "Who did this?" (who is to blame?)

For example: We are missing our favorite book. It is misplaced. "It was right on the table last night. Now it is gone. " And the more direct: "Who took it? Did you take it?"

Or for example: We are looking for our keys. "I left them right here on the kitchen counter. Have you seen them?"

The words put together in a sentence have the tone of accusation, apportioning blame, and looking for the guilty party. We sound accusatory. [note to myself; YIKES! I can relate to this right away. Then you find it. You remember you put it over there last night. And you are a big dummy. No one moved it. No one did it to you.]

Or the example: You feel like no one cared about your feelings. They made you wait. "How could they?" You feel this. You don't necessarily say it. You project it though. Others feel it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blame. It can be a way to start an argument. It can be the beginning of making others feel bad. It can be a way of starting a small conflict, a large war - all with a disastrous outcome.

Blame. What if you and I eliminated blame from our lives? What if Just For Today, you didn't look for anyone to blame. How would that feel? What would your day look like?

At the root of almost all negative emotions, is the word and feeling of blame. They did it to me. The republicans did it. The democrats are going to do it. The rich are to blame. The boss said this. He did that.

What if, no one, absolutely no one, did anything, to You? Today? Right now? From now on?

What if, YOU decided, that no matter what happened, you were not going to evaluate or judge anything, as "good" or "bad." I can tell you, my best days were when I did not evaluate or judge anyone or anything as good or bad, especially when I felt someone was saying something "negative" to me or doing something to "hurt" me.
It was a day of serenity. I felt empowered. I felt in control of my feelings and my thoughts. And I really, and I mean really felt good. It almost felt angelic. [Note: I am not saying "be a push over" or allow anyone to abuse me or you. But reread this passage again. It is the small stuff that winds up setting our moods, for the most part.]


Just for Today - I am not going to evaluate anyone or anything as good or bad. And therefore, this will help me keep from apportioning blame on anyone.

Just for Today - I am eliminating blame from my thinking and reacting

Just for Today - I am going to reread this post tomorrow too. And do this exercise.

PS - Please join me next week for a special on What is Al-Anon? And How Can It Help You? See my Post Here: A Special Invitation (click on this link)

Diffuse Anger and Codependency - "Save Yourself" Part 3

Diffuse Anger and Codependency - "Save Yourself" Part 3. This is a multi-part series. See the posts on the lower right hand side. You can search by date or by the label. Under label look for Anger or Codependency.

Anger serves no purpose. We need to remember "character" and its development. We are here to serve a purpose, a greater good.

If you are unsure of this - yet - the best thing - in my opinion is to develop character. Character to me is; integrity, goodness, a centeredness, living in honor. It means to me, not to judge others.

I notice when I force myself to think about not judging and evaluating, I find myself more peaceful. I do not evaluate who is good, bad or wrong or right - when I am in the "zone" of being noble, of developing my character. Right now some of us want this "inner peace," but are having difficulty with anger, frustration and losing our cool. (See note below, if you are being abused)

How Do We Get Over Anger? Or Keep From Losing Our Cool?

1. First and foremost, you must believe you should eliminate it. Then do not allow it to occur and build that path that was discussed in Part 2 (click here).
2. Second, do not feel guilty for the alcoholic's life or behavior. You have not caused it and you cannot control it. And you cannot fix it. Guilt serves no purpose either. Guilt as defined by me, is anger inner directed.
3. Breath. Say the word out loud; "Breath". Take a huge, deep breath.
4. Walk away. As Stephen Covey says in Principle Centered Leadership, "Step out of all poisonous orbits." Walk away. Do not engage. Disengage.
5. Smile. Fake the smile. As stupid and ignorant as this sounds, it works! It worked for me earlier this week.
6. Also, listen to your tone of voice! Talk in a sing-song voice. Your tone is a dead give away. Now, I might of looked and sounded a little nuts, but it made for an uncomfortable position to be in for my spouse as I was being baited and my buttons were being pushed, and all she heard was a happy person. Also, action and behavior - even faked - can change your current thoughts and feelings. Go to a smile and pretend you are happy. In a matter of minutes you are happy! This does work. It worked so well this past week - I cannot believe it.
7. Don't take the bait. You will be baited. Go back to numbers 4, 5 and 6!!!!
8. Sleep. You need and must get 7 to 8 hours sleep. Lack of sleep causes you to react improperly. You are more irritable. SLEEEEEP!!!
9. Do not blame others or your spouse or qualifier (the addict in your life). Blame is related to be right and righteous. You don't need to be right and have to prove you are right to anyone - ever! And don't make this statement to another person, because when you do, you are proving you are right - again.
10. Eat right. When we don't eat, we are hungry. This makes us irritable. Eating too much, makes us feel guilty, stuffed, and we become - irritable (again). Also, in times of stress we can have irritable bowel syndrome. This is a big problem for men and especially women of a spouses and children of addicts. It makes us feel bloated and uncomfortable. For more on irritable bowel syndrome click here. Eat foods high in fiber. Sorry about this folks. But many of you are eating cheeses and crud. Fiber - I found the cereal Kashi - Go Lean to help here. Again, sorry about this one. But it is a very common ailment with spouses of alcoholics
11. Keep a journal on your anger triggers; use the following headings across the top of your journal; Time of Day ; Trigger (cause) ; Scale (intensity 1 - 10) ; Duration ; What I did - My Reaction (i.e. I yelled about ... I tensed up ...etc). Keep the journal for 21 days. If this is too long for you, then do it for seven (7) days. Look for patterns. You will find triggers and patterns. They will be people; they will be slight remarks you take as rude; you see motorists cutting you off; you will see things that are not personal or not aimed at you as a person and your self-worth, but you take it personally.
12. Stop watching the news at night before bed or first thing in the morning. Also, stop reading the paper. Stop altogether. Or if your job requires you to read the paper, depersonalize it.
    Substitute negative for positive; Read and watch inspirational movies and books. This leads to living at the top of Maslow's Self Actualization hierarchy. This really works! It fills you with hope and eliminates your despair.
13. Create a repertoire of reactions that are pleasant when faced with anger or when anger is directed at you. For example, say "I am sorry." Or even better, "I apologize." Saying you're sorry is not accepting blame or about being weak. Only the strong can apologize. Weak people are too filled with blame to apologize. They see these as one in the same. Say, "I apologize. I must have said something or did something that came across in the wrong way. Please accept my apology." This takes the wind out of most people's sails. And stops anger in its tracks. Another may be, "This must be a tough day for you." Saying this in a compassionate way and not a condescending way is the difference. Come up with your own and practice these. You will be surprised at the difference in the reaction. A repertoire of reactions, and making them your habit, keeps you from falling into the trap of anger.
14. Remember, anger is about going down the scale of humanity, not up. Love is up. Hate and anger are down.
15. Remember your mother's advice; "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything."
16. Take Thomas Jefferson's advice; "When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred."

Here is some more advice:

• You don't have to do all of these.
• Pick and chose.
• Remember: Crawl before walking. Walk before running. Run before the Olympics.
• Pick and chose. (Again). There are some things that are easier. Journaling might be your thing. Do that then. Writing out pithy reactions (number 13)
• We can all try smiling!! And talking in a positive voice.
• Fake it 'til you make it.
• Remember, this is not for anyone else, but YOU. You may feel "Why should I change my behavior for them??? Well, it's not for THEM silly. It's for YOU!!!!

[Note to you: Abuse is not to be tolerated. Directed at you or your children. That is not what I am talking about here. If this is your case, report it. If you are unsure there are crisis centers who can help guide you.]

Happy Holidays - and a note to myself

Happy Holidays. I want to thank everyone for their kind words over the past few weeks.

Also - a note to myself. When I am around people who may blame me or who may bait me because of my spouse's drinking - or - her problem, I will smile, I will say in a "sing-song" cheerey voice;

"I understand your feelings. I wish you the best. Merry Christmas to you and your family."

I will not engage. I will smile and kill'em with kindness!

The Codependency Anger Cycle - A Treadmill To Hell

As part of this series I have created what I call the "Cycle of Codependency and Anger" (below). It is a cycle linked to that of a treadmill. As codependents we "express" our transgressions in manners that can be unhealthy. Our outburst of anger feels "righteous" and our outburst is filled with "justice."

However, this "justice" and "righteousness" is only from our perspective. It is seen through the lens from which we are seeing the world.

Unfortunately, our world has become distorted. It is a sad world. No one knows the hurt, the shame and the trepasses we have endured in living with an alcoholic. The deceit and the lies and the feeling of guilt does hurt. Still - our world is not normal. Don't make it less normal!

With all that said, look at this diagram. Our lashing out, screaming, resorting to manipulation, and coercian has no affect on the alcoholic. As a friend told me, "It rolls off the alcoholic like water off a duck's back." And he is an attorney who has a friend he tried to "talk out of being an alcoholic." It just doesn't work. Same is said for trying to "get even" with the alcoholic.

You and I vent. It feels good . . . for a moment. Then we feel guilty! Look below and see if you can relate.

Then read my post - Part 2 on Codependency and Anger written this morning.

Anger and Codependency - Or - "Anger Sucks" Part 2

Anger and Codependency Part 2

Should you express your anger? My answer: No.
Ever? My answer: No. Never.

Here's Why:
First, it's unhealthy: In studies, when the subjects expressed their anger, their blood pressure soared. Just in case you don't know, this is not a good thing. It hurts your heart.
In the other group (of the same characteristics), those who held their anger, their blood pressure went down. This was performed with several different groups and other factors were accounted for, making anger the target of the study.

So, these studies dispel any theory that anger held causes high blood pressure or is unhealthy.

It becomes a habit: I believe that once you begin to allow anger to flow, or your vent anger at the target, you create mental grooves or a deep and wide path that allows anger to flow too freely, and after awhile flows so freely, it becomes uncontrollable. I believe that you become addicted to the rush - the feeling of adrenaline, the blood coursing through your veins. It then becomes easier and easier to move closer to the next stage of anger, which is releasing uncensored, angry remarks and destructive criticism. When this happens, we get angry at the wrong people and release a torrent of words at unintended targets. It can be directed at our children, our neighbors, the operator, the checkout person, the . . . - well you get the picture. And I think you might be able to relate to this.

Each time you release this groove is well traversed - and becomes a habit. It becomes our new "normal." It becomes a way of acting. We become conditioned.

It gets targeted at the wrong people: Unfortunately, we release at work, at our family, at passersby, at motorists . . . and at ourselves. At work people begin to see we are not a person they want on their team. And when budget cuts come, and downsizing occurs, guess who's one of the first to go?

You want a good reputation: You do not want to gain a reputation as angry. Anger and asshole are closely aligned labels! On our gravestone it would read, "Thank you God for taking this angry asshole off the face of this earth." No we really want on gravestone, "Thank you God for bringing this person into our lives, he acted in a manner that showed us how we all could become."

All the good things you have ever done - are wiped out, with one little outburst of anger. No one remembers all the good things you've done. What is etched in their minds in your display of anger. And it just has to be one event.

Gone. All the nice things you've done, never to be remembered again. With one little outburst.

You are a role model: Think about your children. You are their beacon of hope. Their model of who they should become. They will pick up this behavior - a behavior you know you don't want them to pick up.

Anger and Arguments
I have not seen any studies about the correlation between anger and arguments. However, my general feeling based on observation and analysis, shows that arguing in a precursor to anger. And the two are very closely linked. Arguing in some parts of the country are viewed as more "OK" than in other parts of the country. And the same is true in some cultures and heritages.

Our voices become sharpened, and our rationale for our positions become, strident, loud and uncensored - if - we feel we have become slighted, or insulted. In other words, we set ourselves up for someone rolling their eyes at us, or saying, "What ...ever!" Two ways we are "baited."

The best way to avoid these attacks - and they are attacks - is not to engage - at all.

Who cares what someones opinion is about the President, the democrats, the republicans, abortion, or some other volatile subject. Does it really matter what someone thinks? Really? We have seen the talk shows - and these have led to an "impolite discourse." We emulate these talk shows because they have desensitized us to the old way of being "polite" and being "of higher character." A good discussion can now lead into an argument.

Arguing never changes any ones mind. It in fact makes them more cemented in their position. It has the opposite affect!

So, what have we learned about anger?

1. Anger serves no useful purpose. Period. Ever.
2. We look bad when we are angry. It shows we are not mature.
3. Anger shows we have "lost it" and we are "out of control." These are two labels in your life you cannot afford to have.
4. It's bad for our health.
5. It sets a poor example for our children.
6. It affects our entire day - at work, or at home. It sets our mood for the remainder of the day.
7. Once released, it becomes easy to release again. And again. It can become a ritual. A habit.
8. We say stupid, regretful things. Things uncensored. It usually makes us feel guilty - as codependents - and this leads to more anger! And then more guilt. It becomes a circular treadmill.
9. While we feel righteous, and feel it is our "duty" to show "them" and teach others a lesson, it is a lesson and it is a just cause - only through our eyes, our point of view.
10. Last, it sets you up, as being labeled and remembered as an asshole, a jerk, a person who cannot be trusted.

See the next post for Part 3 on How To The Codependent Can Diffuse Anger Positively.

Anger and Codependency - Or - "Anger Sucks" Part 1

Anger can be a sure sign of codependency at its tipping point. The codependent person will use anger like the kettle uses steam when it has reached a boiling point. Anger is a release mechanism. It is not the right tool to use, but it is a result of not using the proper tools ahead of the slow boil we go through.

We all have heard of the story of the putting frog in a hot pan - he would jump out. That's us. We would not get angry. We are fun people, nice people. But put a frog in a cool pan and put the pan over a fire and slowly turn up the flame the frog adjusts to accommodate for the rising in temperature - to a point.

Slowly, the frog continues to adjust, he sits and continues to adjust. Until he cannot adjust for the heat any longer, and he boils from the inside out.

That can be us. And we boil from the inside out and anger rises until it has to be released in the form of lashing out verbally, perhaps physically, perhaps with silence, perhaps uncontrollable crying.

We - unlike the frog - can be taught the warning signs of heat being turned up, and make moves to avoid anger all together.

ANGER - Its 3 Components
Anger is a thought, that as a codependent comes about when we feel "unappreciated" or feel we are "sacrificing" and "why doesn't anyone else see what I am doing to keep everyone happy."

Does this sound like anyone you know?

These thoughts have the underpinnings of "I am being trespassed against." Often, these thoughts occur very quickly, and they create a reaction inside of us, a "fight or flight" reaction that stems from our ancestral background (from the cavemen days) - where we have this in-built - a reaction that is instantaneous - attack the attacker or flee the attacker.

This is the bodily reaction. The sympathetic nervous system and your muscles tense to mobilize for a physical assault. Our blood pressure skyrockets. Our digestive processes stop.

Brain centers are triggered and our brain chemistry signals attack.

These are accompanied by subjective feelings of anger.

The third component - which has been introduced, is attack. The first two phases ready you for attack. Your attack is directed toward ending the trespass - as quickly as possible (if not immediately. So - you lash out.

With codependency, the attack may be misdirected or the attack may come about from a small trigger - it may be the slightest of slights; a small remark taken as rude or hostile, for example.

The attacks may come at various points and we may mute them - suppress them, because we are better socialized than our caveman ancestors. We may turn the other cheek.

What happens to the anger is of debate among psychologists. Some think it is bottled up and results in high blood pressure. Some believe it gets bottled up and explodes in time in the most unlikely of places (in a supermarket line or talking to a child).

Proactive Treatments
Tool #1 REFRAME: How do we stop anger altogether? We stop it, by immediately not allowing the thoughts to enter our minds. Instead of the thought "we are being trespassed against" - we can revise the thought to fit a better - more positive perspective. When we do this - we reframe the data coming into our brains from hostile to one of more sensibility - to something like compassion.

Start with asking yourself: "Is the person trying to harm us? Really?" Forcing yourself to stop through questioning, allows us to see the other person's perspective. What is she trying to do? Provoke us? Bait us? To these;

- I wonder if she's having a bad day?
- I am not going to take this personally. (from "I am not going to take this!")
- Don't be a jerk because he is being a jerk.

These is a Murphy's Law that says; "Never argue with an idiot, because an on-looker may not know who is who.

Tool #2 USE HUMOR: When you are "attacked" - see the person looking like Bozo the Clown in your mind. Think about the attacker in complete and vivid detail. Play music in your mind like you heard at the carnival, or the circus (you know the music?). See the Clown doing somersaults. Laugh and let it go.

Or if you see them as acting like an "ass," see a big donkey with big buck teeth and large ears. Put a straw hat on the donkey, a corncob pipe, going "heee haw, heee haw!".

Now, do something outrageous. Decorate the visualization with feathers, pink feathers. Give them wings. Big wings. And let the person "fly away."

Tool #3 GO TO THE BALCONY: This is a negotitator's tool. Visualize yourself in balcony, looking down at the play. See all the actors, yourself included. But dis-identify from yourself. See the actors from the balcony and you are in the balcony watching the scene unfold. You are removed from the feelings.

I hope this information helped and provided you some useful tools