On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Restoring Ourselves to Sanity

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Restoring Ourselves to Sanity

If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting.

The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 5/9/08 and runs to Sunday 6/11/08 evening.

Note: To view this Post and the Comments at the same time, click on the link here ---> (click here). Or you can click on the title of this Post in order to get a better view of the Post and the Comments.

Here are some guidelines ---> Click for Guidelines. Bottom line; say what you want, when you want, as many times as you want, to whomever you want, about whatever you want. Cross-talk is allowed ("cross-talk" is talking to each other, not being "cross" to the other).

This is where we start:
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This is from the Al-Anon Pamphlet "Freedom from Despair"

Specialists in the field of alcoholism regard it not as a moral weakness or sin, but as a complex disease, perhaps part physical and part emotional. Alcoholics tend to be sensitive and emotionally immature, excessive in their demands on themselves as well as others. When they fail to live up to their own standards, they escape from reality by drinking. The habit leads to obsessive drinking, a compulsion so powerful that not even the threat of death or insanity seems to break it. One drink sets up an uncontrollable craving that only more drinking can appease.

. . . . The alcoholic needs encouragement and understanding whether drinking or sober. By detaching ourselves from the alcoholic's problems and concentrating restoring ourselves to serenity, we encourage the alcoholic to seek and keep sobriety.

Five Common Traits of Our Disease (Derived from the Al-Anon pamphlet, "Understanding Ourselves and Alcoholism"
{These are the key words/sentences and thoughts I pulled out]

We, too, can become ill.
We hide bottles. We search the house. All our thinking become directed at what the alcoholic is doing or not doing. This is our obsession.

Watching them slowly kill themselves . . . We worry about the bills, the children, the job . . . This is our anxiety

The alcoholic's behavior sooner or later makes us angry. He is telling us lies, not taking responsibilities, feel he doesn't love us (as parents and children) . . . This is our anger

We pretend things are alright. We hide how we feel. . . . This is our denial

Perhaps the most severe damage to us is the nagging belief that we are somehow at fault. We may feel we are not good enough, good-looking enough, clever enough for not having solved this problem . . . These are our feelings of guilt.

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See if the five ways we are affected resonate with you. I know they do with me. I can even carry these behaviors to non-alcoholic environments, like work or friendships, or while being alone.

So this is where we comment!

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Step 2

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Step 2 - Came To Believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting.The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 4/18/08 and runs to Sunday 4/20/08 evening.Note: To view this Post and the Comments at the same time, click on the link here ---> (click here). Or you can click on the title of this Post in order to get a better view of the Post and the Comments.

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Step 2 suggests that there is a Power greater than we are that can restore us to sanity, whether we are living with active alcoholism or not. Step 2 reaffirms that we may be powerless, but we are not helpless AND WE ARE NOT ALONE. (this comes from Pathways to Recovery, with the caps for emphasis being my own).
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For so long, I did not believe in a Higher Power. I did believe that we were all connected some how. I know I have been the beneficiary of goodness, and luck, or synchronicity.

But with alcoholism affecting me and my family (I am the spouse of an alcoholic), I needed some one - some thing - to lean upon. In many ways, I had given up. I began to feel unconfident. I began to get down. My spouse would say mean things, be selfish, and insincere and deceitful.

If I would gain a moment of sanity, I would have 30 moments of insanity with the alcoholic and the ensuing chaos. Soon, with the advent of this program, the numbers started to reverse. I would have more moments of sanity than insanity. I still regret and get bummed out about what is going on in my life and my family's life - and how it is affecting the entire family structure - but I know now I am not helpless. And I have focused on the "I AM NOT ALONE."

I have learned I can call friends in Al-Anon. And I can tell you, there have been some of the kindest and nicest people I have ever, ever met here. They will bend over backwards to help you - they have me - or at least offered. I am still a "newbie" - and therefore I am not good at accepting their help - but I have at times, but clearly not enough.

I learned that when I am truly alone, I am still not alone. I have learned to turn over to God or my HP, things that are just to big for me to be concerned with. I have asked God for forgiveness - for I still make mistakes. I pray for my qualifier, because she is the mother of our child and believe, under the shroud and layers of the disease, a good person. I pray for her to get well. I pray that others see the issue and help us. I pray that our daughter can see what a sane house and family looks like. For this prayer, I ask God for help, several times, at all hours of the night, every night. I also pray that some day, I will be able to stop asking him for help.

I have learned, too, that I am not helpless. And that believing in a power greater than ourselves, and being powerless - is not the same as helpless. Helpless, to me, is just learned hopelessness. Helpless, is giving up. It is becoming, well . . . feeble and weak. This is not to be mistaken with arrogance or a "false self" or being filled with ego.

I realize as it points out in this book, "Pathways," that there are others who too, have experienced these same problems and issues, and that over time, we all can find answers to our own dilemma. The same as other have done.

Step 2, is all about gaining help and sanity through asking for help through a Power greater than us, whether call him God or a Higher Power or a God of our understanding.

I never realized in the beginning of this program how spiritual Al-Anon is, how warm and accepting the people are, and how, if you allow yourself to be worked by the program, how enriching to the human spirit Al-Anon can be.

So, with Step 2, I leave you to comment and post your thoughts, feelings and prayers. And this is where we begin our discussion.

Weekend Al-Anon Online: Solitude

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Solitude
If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting.The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 4/11/08 and runs to Sunday 4/13/08 evening.

Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

I do not practice meditation enough. I do cherish my quiet times. I have a crazy schedule at work, and sometimes - if I allow it to be - a stressful life. When I do "go into the silence" I can find some sanity.

This weekend I would like for us to talk and discuss what we do or can do or better WILL DO to gain more control around our mind and our reactions. Those of you in an active addiction home, may find this interesting, that many who are in similar situations, are find time for themselves. Meditating or going into the silence may seem or sound weird, but it is really very therapeutic.

I am going to go off track here and bring in a guest speaker by the name of Brian Tracy. He has great programs for business professionals. I have known of Brian Tracy for years. I am not trying to sell his programs, as he has none for people who are living with the disease. He does have programs for becoming excellent in Leadership, Work, Management etc.

However, and I mean this - the only reason why I am placing his words here is because of their therapeutic value for us who are living and coping with the disease and looking for strength, courage and hope.

Here is our guest Brian Tracy
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The greatest men and women of all ages have practiced solitude regularly. They learned how to use silence to still their minds and tap into their superconscious powers for answers to their questions.

The Magic of Solitude
Your feelings, your emotions, are the access point to your inner powers of mind. The most important part in the process of getting in touch with your feelings is to begin to practice solitude on a regular basis. Solitude is the most powerful activity in which you can engage. Men and women who practice it correctly and on a regular basis never fail to be amazed at the difference it makes in their lives.

Most people have never practiced solitude. Most people have never sat down quietly by themselves for any period of time in their entire lives. Most people are so busy being busy, doing something-even watching television-that it's highly unusual for them to simply sit, deliberately, and do nothing. But as Catherine Ponder points out, "Men and women begin to become great when they begin to take time quietly by themselves, when they begin to practice solitude."

And here's the method you can use.

To get the full benefit of your periods of solitude, you must sit quietly for at least 30 to 60 minutes at a time. If you haven't done it before, it will take the first 25 minutes or so for you to stop fidgeting and moving around. You'll almost have to hold yourself physically in your seat. You'll have an almost irresistible desire to get up and do something. But you must persist.
Solitude requires that you sit quietly, perfectly still, back and head erect, eyes open, without cigarettes, candy, writing materials, music or any interruptions whatsoever for at least 30 minutes. An hour is better.

Become completely relaxed, and breathe deeply. Just let your mind flow. Don't deliberately try to think about anything. The harder you "don't try," the more powerfully it works. After 20 or 25 minutes, you'll begin to feel deeply relaxed. You'll begin to experience a flow of energy coming into your mind and body.

You'll have a tremendous sense of well-being. At this point, you'll be ready to get the full benefit of these moments of contemplation.

The River of Ideas
The incredible thing about solitude is that if it is done correctly, it works just about 100 percent of the time. While you're sitting there, a stream, a river, of ideas will flow through your mind. You'll think about countless subjects in an uncontrolled stream of consciousness. Your job is just to relax and listen to your inner voice.

At a certain stage during your period of solitude, the answers to the most pressing difficulties facing you will emerge quietly and clearly, like a boat putting gently to the side of a lake. The answer that you seek will come to you so clearly and it will feel so perfect that you'll experience a deep sense of gratitude and contentment.

Trusting Yourself
When you emerge from this period of quiet, you must do exactly what has come to you. It may involve dealing with a human situation. It may involve starting something or quitting something. Whatever it is, when you follow the guidance that you received in solitude, it will turn out to be exactly the right thing to do. Everything will be OK. And it will usually work out far better than you could have imagined. Just try it and see.

You must learn to trust yourself. You must develop the habit of listening to yourself and then acting on the guidance you receive.

Here are three steps you can take immediately to put these ideas into action.

• First, select a specific time and place to sit quietly and practice one full hour of solitude. Don't put it off.
• Second, take small periods of silence and solitude during the day, especially when you feel overwhelmed with problems or responsibilities.
• Third, take action immediately on the ideas and insights you receive while in solitude. One good idea can save you months and years of hard work. The key is trust.

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Here is where we can begin. If you have ways that you focus on yourself and try to relax, release and let go, or other things that you have learned that have helped you, please make you post here.

Or if you have a burning desire or burning issue, please ask for help here as well!

THANKS!

On-lIne Al-Anon Meeting Topic: Fear of Losing Something

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Fear of Losing Something
If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting.

The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 4/04/08 and runs to Sunday 4/06/08 evening.

Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view of the original blog post and the comments.

Recently I came across a meeting that spoke of Fear. It was from a recent Men's Meeting. I want to read this passage from "Hope for Today," April 13.

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Before I came into Al-Anon, my attitudes were based on fear. I cast all my doubts and feelings of unworthiness onto other people. I set myself up as a victim. I always acted upon my anxiety, and I was forever reacting. Most times my reactions came in the form of blaming, running, or freezing. When I blamed others, I didn't have to feel my deep sense of shame. I ran because facing my fear and hurt seemed too difficult. I froze because frozen hearts cannot feel pain.

Al-Anon gave me a fresh way to view my life. I no longer choose to be a victim. Now I choose how I act, how I think, and how I feel about any situation that arise. I can choose fear, or I can choose love. Fear keeps me shut off and unhealed. Love opens me up and heals me. Today I choose love.

Choosing love means I stay away from physically, emotionally, or spiritually unhealthy situations. I no longer accept unacceptable situations. I no longer accept unacceptable behavior. I love myself enough to walk away from hurtful people and relationships. I look at my part in situations, own mistakes, and change my behavior. Choosing love means I accept and embrace my humanity and that of others. Then, with my Higher Power's help, I can see the defects and weaknesses with compassion, which brings me release, joy, and serenity.

Thought for Today
If I look for fear, I'll find fear. If I look for love, I'll find love. Which one do I choose to seek today?

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In the Men's Meeting I referred to above, one of the men pointed out that Fear can be fear of getting what I want or fear of losing what I have. Two, opposite and opposing thoughts.

Another man said, "I can't be afraid of losing something I wasn't supposed to have."

I notice when I act out of fear rather than love, I am out of balance with people. Fear is negative. Love is positive. The definition of "love" that I am using doesn't mean the love we know from romance. I am using "love" in the sense of compassion and caring, giving and knowing that when you give, you have an infinite supply, not a limited supply.

Fear causes us to react. And usually in a negative way.

So, this weekend's on-line meeting is about fear, and how perhaps, we can all benefit from changing our fear-based reactions to love-based compassionate acts.

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Alcoholism In The Home

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Alcoholism In The Home
If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting.

The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 3/28/08 and runs to Sunday 3/30/08 evening.

Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

Have you ever tried to explain what it like to live in a home as a child or as a spouse in the home with active alcoholism - to someone who has never been in it?

Living in a home with an alcoholic is difficult to understand by people who are not living in it. I personally have tried to explain it therapists (who do not have training in addictions) and found that they have no clue. I have read where people who have commented on this blog talked to neighbors, friends and relatives and gave them solutions that mirrored something out of "Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus." Even one trained addiction specialist, who is a recovering alcoholic, suggested I read Dale Carnegie's "How To Win Friends and Influence People" because I assume, he was not now living with an active alcoholic.

People who are on the outside just do not understand what we live through. They may say, "It's in your head." Or they may say, "Have you read this book, listened to this CD or gone to couples church outing?"

It is a disease. There are neurological effects that lead to dementia, which can lead to learning, memory and behavioral disorders. But worse, it affects the entire family system.

Below are some terrible, but accurate passages about how it affects children and adults

The following passages are from the book, "From Survival To Recovery"
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"What is it like growing up in an alcoholic home? If you asked me a few years ago, I would have had to say, "I have no idea." My childhood was so painful that the only way I could survive was to block out the pain; I also blocked out the good. It was as if I had no life. When my family talked about events, I felt stupid because I couldn't remember them, and it frightened me that I couldn't remember. I couldn't feel, either. I was numb.

"What is it like? It's unremitting fear - fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of being known - a constant, nagging fear that never goes away.

"It's lonely. It's wanting so desperately to be a part, yet pushing people so far away I couldn't possibly be connected. It's isolating myself and then being the outsider looking in and never fitting in. I'm often ashamed. I'm afraid to lose the only people who say they love me. I'm afraid they won't come back, and then I'm afraid they will. It's confusing. People say they love me and then they hurt me. In my gut, I know something is wrong, but I'm told I overreact or I'm too sensitive. So I learn to not trust my instincts.

"It's being needy. It's being convinced I am loved and unlovable. It's needing to hear over and over, "You're wonderful!" yet never believing it. So I always need to hear it again, and it's still not enough. It's feeling that I am not enough. It's having to do for others so that I can earn their love, yet feeling that what I give is never enough."

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These are the voices of children and adults living in an alcoholic environment,

This is where we comment on the affects of what is happening in our homes or what has happened in our homes. And how can we try to tell someone who has never been through this?

Please comment on the topic or comment if you have a burning desire.

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Judging Others

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Judging Others
If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting.

The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 3/21/08 and runs to Sunday 3/23/08 evening.

Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

I have come to learn that "judging others" can be a slippery slope. As soon as we become an expert, we start to set standards for how others should act. When they don't comply to our standards, we are insulted or feel wronged.

I have posted the message below which will start our meeting on: "Judging Others"

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Judging Others. We all do it. We size people up every day. We evaluate people's behavior in the work place and at home. We evaluate others' driving ability. We even evaluate what people eat.

We are always "sizing them up."

Now, this may sound contradictory, because nothing is ever just "black and white." Sometimes there are standards which we should enforce, especially with children. Or in situations when someone has over stepped there boundaries and is inflicting their will on you.

Good or Bad
The judging I am talking about is the evaluation of others behavior as "good" or "bad." What if we could suspend the judgement of others? And not evaluate them as "good" or "bad" and just as "is."

If you look at the chart below, I have created a pretty simple graphic. If we judge others, we go to comparing ourselves to them. How often have you said, aloud or internally, "I would never have done that?" Or, when listening, leap to the wrong conclusion by assuming the person was going to say something negative.

And worse, when you thought someone was going to say something negative about you? We've all held our breath when someone wanted to share their opinion or provide us feedback.

The Slippery Slope Down
I believe it is a slippery slope. As soon as we start to evaluate or judge, we compare them to what we have, or would do. We usually make the situation worse. We slip into blaming, criticizing and getting angry. We hold resentments and grudges. All this - when in reality - it started with us and our thoughts of "good" vs "bad" or "better" or "worse."



















To view this diagram better - click here

The Other Side - Climbing Upward
On the flip side - the bottom part of the diagram, is the opposite of judging. And this is a compassion for others and empathizing with what they may be going through. I believe everyone is carrying a burden of sorts. And if we stick with the thought of being compassionate, even in times of stress and hostility by showing the other person love, respect and courtesy we are allowing ourselves to be of "grace."

What a wonderful word, this "grace." Balance and poise. Dignity. Staying above the fray. In the end, this is actually about Courage. Courage to be yourself - your highest self.

The Negative Side
The top part of the diagram, works on our self-esteem, negatively. Which in turn affects our self-acceptance -negatively. And ultimately we begin to not accept ourselves - or said another way, we begin to find fault within us and we no longer like ourselves.

We become less accepting and loving of ourselves overtime. And soon we have resentment built up and hostility. Soon we can't sleep. We react. We respond. And nothing seems to work right or go right in our world.

The Positive Side
The bottom side of the diagram, works on our self-acceptance, positively. And this begins to affect our self-esteem - positively.

Because of years of training, it is hard to get to the positive side and stay there. It is hard to build up positive habit patterns of responding with Courage, Compassion, and Courtesy. These are my 3 C's. They lead to Grace. And Self-Respect.

When we operate from here our lives are more manageable. We are in control. A really good word when we apply it to our own lives. A really bad word when we are applying it toward others.

And that is where the line with the arrows pointing both north and south on the right hand side of the diagram comes in.

Isn't evaluating and judging, really about us getting control over others to become more like we want them to be?

Isn't that crazy when you think about it? Would you really want to have someone trying to be just like you? Really? Wouldn't it make you mad? They would be stealing only the good parts of your identity. That would make you "less."

What if we suspended judgment today and tomorrow? And let others, be themselves. I think this is real courage. I think we should encourage others to be more themselves and less like us. I believe this leads to serenity and peace.

Can we remove guilt, anger, blame and negative emotions from our lives whereever we can?
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This is where you share your thoughts, comments, or burning issues. Have a great weekend.

Material derived from the Al-Anon book, "The Courage to Change" and "Hope for Today"

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Step 1: Powerless

This weekend's On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Step 1: Powerless over Alcohol.

We admitted we were powerlessness over alcohol - that our lives have become unmanageable.

If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting. The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 3/14/08 and runs to Sunday 3/16/08 evening.

Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

Our host for this weekend is me. He is an exceptional host and is well suited for this topic, as his life has been unmanageable. His qualifier is his wife. But he has a tough time being powerless over alcohol. He has stood toe-to-toe with alcohol, swinging jabs and uppercuts and winning several rounds. However, in the end, when the bell rang, for one more round, my charming and dear friend lost. I or he, did not know he really lost in round one, but his stubbornness, borne out of will and hardheadedness, was willing to "go one more round" - until in the end, alcohol raised it's gloved hand, the victor.

I have posted the message below which will start our meeting for the weekend's meeting on:

"Step 1: Powerless over alcohol and our lives are unmanageable"

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Hi, I am Joe.

I bring to you my version of trying to fix the alcoholic. I would try to understand the problem, what was going on in my house for the past several years, by analyzing why food would be burned, or dinner not even cooked. Why my wife was falling and staggering or not able to drive very well. I thought she was a "space cadet." In fact, now that I write this, she used to say, "All my friends think I am spacey."

I tried to fix her by asking to eat at specific times, certain it was a chemical imbalance, or PMS or no food combined with PMS, was creating her anger, her staggering, slurring of words, and so on. It seems stupid now, now that I know she was drinking. But who could have imagined? My wife drinking at 9AM or 10AM every day . . . day in and day out? Huh? What?

So, I tried fixing: Here drink water. Here, let's go exercise. And it worked. Because she was with me and couldn't drink. "See," I would say, "all you need is exercise (water, food, watch happy movies - you name it)." Pretty stupid.

Then one day, my brother, the doctor said, "Did you ever consider she might be drinking on the sly? Or doing drugs?" No way! No way! Then it dawned on me several hours later. "What was that glass clinking sound I heard? In the butler's pantry?" Then I found it. Wine bottles. They were all over the house. Empty!

Here I read from the book "How Al-Anon Works"
"Each of our lives have been devastated by someone else's drinking. We cannot change that fact. We have been profoundly affected by the disease of alcoholism. Its effects continue to permeate our lives. Nor can we change the behavior or the attitudes of those around us. We can't even put a stop to the drinking. We are powerless over alcohol.

"As long as we continue to persist in the delusion that we can control or cure alcoholism, its symptoms, or its effects, we continue to fight a battle that we cannot win.

"Our self-esteem suffers [note to you reader: this impacted me big time. Work suffered. And my confidence was shell shocked], our relationships suffer, and our ability to enjoy life suffers.

". . . Whether or not we live with active drinking, life is unmanageable whenever we lose perspective about what is and is not our responsibility. We take offense with actions that have nothing to do with us. We intervene where it is inappropriate and neglect our legitimate obligations to ourselves and others.

". . . Putting an end to the battle requires completely redefining what we believe about ourselves, others, and our relationships. For example, many of us confuse love with interference. We don't know how to show affection or support without giving advice, seeking to sway another's decisions, or trying to get those we love to do what we think will bring them happiness."


Wow. This describes me, before I hit Al-Anon. I am a little concerned I could drift back into a meddling mindset - excusing my actions by stating "I am just trying to help." I really like the books Al-Anon provides because they fit our issues and aid specifically in our recovery.

This is where you can comment. You can post another excerpt or passage from another book. Or if you have a burning desire, post that.

I wish you the best this weekend.

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Enabling.

This weekend's On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Enabling.

If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting. The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 3/7/08 and runs to Sunday 3/9/08 evening.

A Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

Our host for this weekend is me. I am one of my favorite people and yet at the same time, I am one of my harshest critics. I have had a tough time recently not knowing where my life will go, but I know that in my heart of hearts, that things always work out for the best.


This is where we start. I have posted the message below which will start our meeting on:

"Enabling"

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I am one of the most messed up on this subject. I thought I was helping all this time. Then I found out I was not only enabling, but I was also crossing boundaries by getting into other person is one of our regular visitors to this blog and provides a lot of good comments. She is encouraging and hopeful.

I find that enabling leads to codependence for us. How is this you might ask. Well, let's pretend you did ask. The answer dear reader is that we "help" so much, we become "needy" in that we need to help almost always. We offer to help and do for others, that which they should do for themselves.

People think this is great . . . . . . . . . that is, at first. Then it gets on their nerves. That is, if they are not an alcoholic or addict. It becomes, to the "normal" person, sort of, yucky. Like being too available. Too much "on."

So I am going to read from the Al-Anon approved literature, the book, "Hope for Today" from page 122;
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Today I know I was the perfect enabler. My autocratic behavior deprived my husband of responsibility. I tried in vain to control him and to keep him "dry." Eventually I felt only hate and disgust toward my husband and alcohol. My life seemed totally worthless, and the I felt deprived of a shoulder to lean against, a safe place to cry.

Then I was led to Al-Anon. . . . "I learned I could not save him, but I could save myself. This was my chance to jump off the merry-go-round called denial before I slipped under it and was crushed.

I especially had to learn that my way of helping was not really helping. I had to do something differently. At Al-Anon meetings in my country, they call detachment letting off in love." I was unable to let him off in love. However, I decided I could let him fall gently.

That's what I did, and slowly my life started to feel worthwhile again. I began taking care of myself. I practice thinking positively by using the Steps and slogans. Prayer and mediation help me become balanced and content. . .."

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I believe we as children of alcoholic, or spouses or friends can learn from this definition of enabling versus helping;

Enabling; "is doing something for someone, that they could, and should be doing themselves."

Whereas, Helping; "is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.

This spills not only over into enabling our alcoholic qualifier. But these behaviors manifest themselves in all of our relationships. You will see this behavior at work, with our children, with our boyfriends and girlfriends - past, present, and future.

By doing anything, and everything, makes us feel good at first. Our self-esteem becomes tied to this source of doing for people. But we begin to feel unappreciated over time. Why? Because by being "too there" - being "too available" - no one appreciates us because they become accustomed to our helping. And, frankly, people take advantage of us. They don't appreciate it, they just give us more to do and expect it from us. By allowing this to happen, we are sending signals, that we are not worth much, and we are allowing our boundaries to become trodden upon.

And this is all because by always doing for people, people do not value us. We become their personal lackey. This is due to the fact that a "new normal" has been set up in the relationship. The "new normal" is: You do. I do not.

When we stop helping, people are angry. People are not used to this "new selfishness" from us. And then guilt sets in. And, we sometimes give in, by continuing to do.

Some examples of enabling behaviors are:

1. Working regularly after hours at the office, by "helping" others, and they go home
2. Buying the alcoholic alcohol
3. Cleaning up after the alcoholic
4. Paying the alcoholic's bills (even the little ones)
5. Setting up appointments for the doctor's office for the alcoholic
6. Making the dinner, cleaning up after everyone, and washing the dishes and never eating because, that's "your role."
7. Picking up your kids, the neighbors kids and watching every one's children and no one returns the favor or says "yes" but acts like it's a real burden
8. Getting a good feeling when people ask you to do something you know you have to sacrifice time and other things you'd rather be doing
9. Getting angry/upset/slighted when someone asks someone else to do something, when you are perfectly able to it
10. Juggling 12 things, at the same time, and getting that rush

This is a good place to stop. Please provide ideas of how you have been brought up, or how you do too much, or how you are doing for people who should be doing it themselves.

My best to you this weekend.

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Our Finances & Money

This weekend's On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Our Finances & Money.

If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting. The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 2/29/08 and runs to Sunday 3/2/08 evening.

A Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

Our host for this weekend is Catherine. Catherine is one of our regular visitors to this blog and provides a lot of good comments. She is encouraging and hopeful.

This is where we start. Catherine has posted the message below. These are Catherine's words which start our meeting on:

"Our Finances & Money"

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A few months ago I volunteered to cover the costs of our kids’ daycare because I make more money than my alcoholic. Two months later, the price went up; three months after that I lost my job. And yet I still kept paying the entire bill – out of my savings – for another FIVE months.

One of my past boyfriends borrowed money from me every week until, after five years, he owed me $10,000. Ten. Thousand. Dollars. Embarrassing!

So, in terms of my financial expertise, you can see that I have none. However, I do have these “credentials”:
* I am in a co-dependent relationship with an alcoholic
* I have used money to enable his behavior and to try and control him (and others)
* I have faith that my money issues can change by working the program

Everyone has emotional issues with money, and I think people have a hard time discussing them (I didn’t even tell my accountant the stories I just told you). I find that even trying to identify my issues is tough. I started by doing a little free association in my notebook around money, emotions and AlAnon concepts. Here are my top five things to think about:

5) The past is gone. In terms of money, it’s very black and white. Spent money just ain’t coming back. When I can accept that, I can move forward to reconstruct my financial life with peace and freedom from anger or resentment.

4) Use the mirror, not the magnifying glass. This vivid AlAnon metaphor helps me to face the truth about my financial situation and to examine how my emotions took me down that road. In my case, the reasons I use to explain my money problems, “I’m bad at math,” or “it’s boring,” or “it’s for the kids,” are not reasons, they’re excuses. And they’re not even true; it’s denial! I am in denial about my finances because the reality proves that I’m a mess. I have to keep using the mirror to catch this evasive thinking or seriously, I won’t retire.

3) One day at a time. I wish there were some formula or instruction booklet to get me out of this situation, but there isn’t. I have to think about financial enabling and financial detachment each day and work toward recovery.

2) Don’t do for someone what they can do for themselves. What a simple, little sentence that is, but financial detachment for me in daily life has been a huge challenge. I have worked really, really hard for my money and I deserve to benefit from that. So why do I cover for someone else? Because I feel sorry for him, because I have guilt and other negative feelings about myself, because writing a check is a great way to avoid confrontation. But when I cover for him financially I enable him to dodge his responsibilities. (And I free up his resources so he can spend them on alcohol.) So my challenge is to step away and put him in the position to shoulder his own costs.

1) Put myself first. Whose money is it anyway? (Suze Orman offers specific strategies on her show and in her writing.)

I have a lot of learning to do, so I welcome your shares and thoughts. Thanks for listening.

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This is where we begin our program and your comments for this weekend's meeting. Please comment on the subject or if you have a burning desire or issue, please comment and ask for help.

This Weekend - Al-Anon Meeting -

Cath - do you still want to do this weekend's Online Al-Anon Meeting? About how money and financial issues became tools for control, symptoms of illness, etc.

To all - if you would like to sign-up for setting a topic up for the upcoming weekends, please post in the comments below. All you have to do is read/write from an Al-Anon book or write up a topic or issue that you would like to discuss.

THANKS

On-line Al-Anon Meeting on: Focus on Ourselves

This weekend's On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Focus on Ourselves.

If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting. The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 2/22/08 and runs to Sunday 2/24/08 evening.

A Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

Our host for this weekend is Ashley. Ashley has her own blog called "Back from Chaos." It describes her challenges and her steps to "recovery."

Ashley is a regular to our blog and provides a lot of good comments. She is encouraging and hopeful.

This is where we start. Ashley has posted the message below. These are Ashley's words which start our meeting on:

"Focus on Ourselves"

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I had an incredible meeting on Tuesday night - topic was "Focus on Ourselves" and I thought this could be a great topic for the weekend meeting.

One of the readings from Courage to Change jumped out at me.

page 29

"Many of us learn the value of self-expression in Al-Anon. We discover how we feel and benefit from giving voice to those feelings when it seems appropriate. But there's a difference between expressing ourselves and using words to control others.

Sometimes the only way I can determine whether I'm trying to control someone else or whether I'm simply expressing my feelings is by noticing how many times I say the same thing. If I mention something that is on my mind and then let it go no matter what response I get, I am speaking sincerely. If I repeatedly make similar suggestions or ask prodding questions again and again, I am probably trying to control (emphasis mine). If I am satisfied only when the other person responds in a way I consider desirable -- agrees with what I've said or takes my advice -- then I know I've lost my focus."

Today's Reminder

"I am learning to be honest with myself. I will not use my recovery as an excuse to justify my efforst to change other people's thinking. Trying to control other people only gets me in trouble. Instead, I will promptly admit such mistakes and put my energy back where it belongs by focusing on myself."

I ended up posting this on my blog yesterday because I really wanted to remember it.

I do this all the time. When my husband and I are arguing or even discussing things, I always think maybe if I just state it a different way, it will make sense to him. I never consider that I might be wrong, or even if I'm right, he may not agree with me. There are times that I feel like I've failed if I can't get him to see things my way. I think that I just didn't figure out the right combination of words to convince him I'm right.

Obviously one of the many things I have to work on.

Hope you're having a great day!
Ashley

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Please comment on this topic/subject how it may be relevant to you. If you have a burning issue, you may jump in and provide your thoughts, vent or just plain ol'type away.

Thank you Ashley.

On-line Al-Anon Meeting on: Expectations

This weekend's On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on Expectations. If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting. The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 2/15/08 and runs to Sunday 2/17/08 evening.

A Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

This is where we start. To get us started here. Here is a powerful message from KevinB.

KevinB brings a lot of good comments to our blog. He is encouraging and hopeful. With that I bring you KevinB and his topic on Expectations.

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"Blaming others for the pain we feel each time someone fails to live up to our expectations is no different than burning our tongue on coffee that's too hot to swallow, and then calling our cup an idiot". (Guy Finley)

Having expectations in our culture is expected. We are brought up that way. Having great expectations sounds great however when the expectation if unfilfilled, we bitch, we moan, we become disappointed. That's a problem for most people including myself.

Another disappointing thing about expectations is that they often do not come true. One love partner knows the expectation. The other love partner doesn't know the expectation of the other. Expectations are in the eye of the beholder. Can we see a problem here?

Somethings maybe we can talk about and share?

Problems are not to break us. Working together on problems makes us strong.

Unfulfilled expectations always cause problems.

How do we side step the disappointment?

How can we improve our communications skills?

I look forward to all that journey here this weekend, and can hardly wait to read, and have more understanding of expectations!

"What you can be with in life let's you be"

Peace this Friday.
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So with that, please post your comments on this topic, or if you have a burning desire or issue, please post a comment on that too.

On-line Al-Anon Meeting on: Carrying Rocks

If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting. The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 2/08/08 and runs to Sunday 2/10/08 evening.

A Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

This is where we start. To get us started here. There is a powerful passage in the book "Hope for Today." On page 113, it says, in essence the following ;


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"Let Go and Let God"

"I am carrying around a gunnysack full of rocks. The gunnysack was getting heavier and heavier because I was picking up more rocks."

"I picked up a rock which I named loneliness, and put it in my knapsack. I picked up another rock and it was for hatred of my alcoholic step father. As I traveled I picked rocks for - suspicion of others, isolation, fear, and uncertainty. Soon the beautiful forest I was traveling through ceased to capture my attention. My gunnysack was so full and so heavy I could think of nothing else.

"Surrender in Step 1helped me admit how heavy my sack had become. Hope in Step 2 taught me that there was someone who could help me empty my sack - a Power greater than myself. Step 4 helped me determine which rocks were mine and which rocks belonged to others."

"And 'Let Go And Let God' helped me to rid the sack of rocks that weren't mine."

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We are all carrying the burdens of others. We are great burden carriers. How can we let go of the problems that we have picked up that are not ours? And turn these problems over to God or back to their rightful owner?

I know I am a great problem solver. Someone brings me their problem and I try to solve it. It isn't mine, but I worry about it and try to fix it. Bring me another I say. Until I am so frustrated and have so much to do, I am running around fixing, while the person who had the problem (until they gave it to me) is sitting on the couch watching TV or watching me solve their problem.

Let's explore this weekend how we have picked up other people's problems and explore how we can stop picking up what they own, and give the problem back to them to solve.

Please post your comments here.

On-line Al-Anon Meeting on: On Children

The effects of children living with alcoholism is the subject of this weekend's On-line Al-Anon Meeting. If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting. The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 2/1/08 and runs to Sunday 2/3/08 evening.

A Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

This is where we start. To get us started here is from Ashley. Thank You Ashley.

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Ashley; "On the topic of children, I found this reading in One Day at a Time (page 179). I don't have any of the alateen literature, but would love to hear from anyone who does.

"We who really try to use the Al-anon program have various reasons to be grateful as we see the results. This was one member's experience, which she told her friends at a meeting.

Her greatest difficulty concerned her children. "I never knew what to do about them when my husband came home drunk and disorderly. I felt they should be shielded from violence, yet overprotection wouldn't be good for them. I didn't want to influence them against their father; I knew he loved them, and they him."

"I found all the answers in Al-Anon. I made sensible explanations about their father's illness and found them naturally compassionate. I avoided scenes by not allowing my frustrations to erupt into anger. I tried hard to be consistent and fair to them. The results have been everything I hoped for, and I am so grateful to Al-Anon for this."

Today's Reminder
Our children are a first thing to consider first. Our attitude is the key to a successful family relationship -- and their normal growing up.

And above all, I never use the children as pawns in any conflicts. They respond so well to respect.

I've found that as I grow in Al-Anon recovery, my attitude towards my husband has changed significantly. Where before, our children would hear us arguing at all hours of the day or night, now they don't. They are happier, their parents are happier and all in all, their lives are much better.

One of the most difficult things that I had to accept is my own part in our arguments. Once I realized that my actions and reactions were a large part of our problems, I started to work on it. Things have improved tremendously in our household, which has only benefited the kids.

All that being said, my husband isn't violent when he drinks, he also doesn't drive so I've never really had to worry about either of those things. (He can get very angry when he drinks, but if I don't feed that by arguing back, it doesn't manifest).

I don't know if this helps anyone or not, but I can attest that my children are in a much better place mentally and spiritually since I started attending Al-Anon.
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Please Comment to add your ideas on what has worked for you; what you may be feeling on this subject. Or if you have a burning concern please apply your posts here

Al-Anon On-line Meeting: Setting Boundaries

On-line Al-Anon Meeting on: Setting Boundaries

If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting. The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 1/25/08 and runs to Sunday 1/27/08 evening.

A Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

This is where we start. To get us started here is a comment from wm and a quote from the Al-Anon book Courage to Change;
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This is from "wm" who left this in a comment to a post Thursday:
When I started al-anon I thought I had set boundaries long ago but I was willing to take a look at it. Oh, yeah sure, I have boundaries.

After a while in the program I began feeling like my husband was stepping all over my boundaries. I wondered why this was happening. So I talked to my sponsor about it. She asked me what I do whenever my husband crosses the line. Wellll, what do you mean? How do you enforce your boundaries?

At this point I began to think about what I was doing when my boundaries were crossed. Reacting, losing my temper, yelling (again).

So I asked her for some suggestions on what to do. Since my husband and I are geographically separated at this point she told me I could politely end the conversation and give him a specific time when I would call him back. For now this seems to work but as with all things in an alcoholic marriage it may have to be adjusted later.

If we were living in the same house I would guess that going for a walk would be an option or just leaving the room would work too.
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This is taken from the Al-Anon book, Courage to Change;
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Many of us come to Al-Anon confused. We are so focused on our alcoholic loved ones that may not be able to see where they leave off and we begin. We've lost our sense of what is appropriate. How can we distinguish between acceptable and unacceptable behavior when we don't even know what we want or need?

[It talks about Step 4 here, about an inventory, and what our values are or need to be and my new values of what I will accept and not accept]

Where in the past I have allowed unacceptable behavior, I now can choose a different response. I must consistently do what I say I am going to do. Today I have the courage and faith to be true to myself. whether or not others like or agree with me. I must remember that announcing my new ways to others is not nearly as important as knowing what my own limits are and act accordingly.

Today's Reminder
I will remember that knowing my boundaries does not mean forcing others to change; it means that I know my own limits and take care of myself by respecting them. The focus, today, is on me.
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There we some really good posts earlier. Feel free to repeat the points you've made on these earlier posts. Please ask any questions and ask for guidance if you have any burning desires.

Let's start the On-Line Al-Anon Meeting on Setting Boundaries

Weekend Online Al-Anon Guidelines

Al-Anon is for those of us who have been affected by someone else's drinking. We are compassionate and understanding. We provide strength, hope, and courage. The on-line version is not a substitute for a real face-to-face meeting. There is power in the rooms, a power of goodness and serenity, that has - incredibily - changed me. Please visit a meeting near you - click here to find an Al-Anon Meeting near you.

How our Weekend Online Al-Anon Meeting works (aka guidelines);

1. On weekends we hold an on-line meeting.

2. Someone suggests a topic on Thursday. First one who suggests the topic will be chosen. If no one selects or suggests a topic, I have to (I get boring after a while - if not sooner)

3. The Meeting starts at Friday approximately - 6PM Eastern. The meeting runs through Sunday evening.

4. You don't have to be expert. Just comment. There are no wrong or right answers. We are not perfect, so you should not worry or fear your imperfection. In fact, embrace it!

5. Anyone can join. Just comment. Cross-talk is allowed (talking to each other; commenting about what others said, etc) . In fact it is encouraged!

6. Of course, not evaluating each other negatively. Share the love and faith. Provide ENcouragement (give courage to others).

7. You can discuss your feelings on the topic set for that weekend or you can talk about something else if you have it on your mind. And of course discuss a burning desire.

8. Unlike Al-Anon meetings - You can eat will talking.

9. Unlike Al-Anon meetings - You can comment MULTIPLE times

10. We try to use only Al-Anon Conference approved material. I have read almost every self-help book available (really, you would not believe how many). Al-Anon works for those who are relatives or friends of alcoholics - who have been affected by someone else's drinking.

11. A translator link; If you are from another country, on the right hand side, further toward the bottom, (the right side-bar), there is a Google Translater link that translates this blog into the language of your country or region. If really works.

Al-Anon Meeting: Detachment

This Weekend's Meeting is on: Detachment
If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long Al-Anon Meeting. It ends Sunday 1/20/08 at 6PM.

A Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link above (This Weekend's Meeting is: On Detachment) or the Title: Al-Anon Weekend Meeting or here (click here) in order to get a better view.

The way Al-Anon Meetings start is someone reads from one of the Al-Anon books, something that was useful or something they used or had meaning to them and they add their feelings or situation. Since the meeting's subject is on "Detachment" I will provide the initial reading just to get the meeting started.

Here's what typically happens: We can comment on what is written below, we can type in a passage from another Al-Anon book, we can type in an experience, a question, or anything else on the topic "Detachment." Or, since someone may be experiencing a difficult time on some other area, or want guidance, you can bring up other questions, points, etc.

There is no "wrong" way to do this. So peace, and let go.

Let's start:
Hello. My Name is Joe. My Wife is my Qualifier. I believe she has been drinking for some time, probably over 20 years. But this is about us.

I still struggle with "detachment." In the beginning it was really hard to detach. I wanted to talk the other person (my wife) into sobering up. I would get angry when she was drinking, I would want to read her the "riot act," she would do something I did not "approve of " or disagreed with, and I would judge her with a look or a word of disapproval.

I would get myself worked up, the dog would slink off to the other room, and I am sure my daughter would hear us. I was "working myself into a lather." So I detached. I detached by giving her the old silent treatment. I then became isolated.

Then I heard "detach with love" at an Al-Anon Meeting. "How preposterous," I thought. And then, I started to apply it.
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Let me read from the book,"Courage to Change" . . .
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"What does another person's mood, tone of voice, state of inebriation have to do with my course of action? Nothing, unless I decide otherwise.

For example, I have learned that arguing with someone who is intoxicated is like beating my head against a brick wall. Yet, until recently, I would always dive right into the arguments, because that was what the other person seemed to want. In Al-Anon I discovered that I don't have to react just because I have been provoked, and that I don't have to take harsh words to heart. I can remember that they are coming from someone who may be in pain, and try to show a little compassion. I certainly don't have to allow them to provoke me into doing anything I don't want to do.

Today's Reminder
Detachment with love means that I stop depending upon what others do, say, or feel to determine my own well-being or to make my decisions.
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Now I open it up for comments. Thank you.

Al-Anon Meeting Here!

How about this idea? It's borrowed - this is true - so I recognize this already. In fact, my best ideas are someone elses'!

How about an Al-Anon Meeting here this weekend? Every weekend. Here's how I propose it works;

1. Someone suggests a topic on Thursday. First one who suggests the topic will be chosen.
2. The Meeting starts at Friday 6PM Eastern. It will run through Sunday 6PM Eastern.
3. I will set up the Topic before 6PM Eastern or right on time (depending where I may be)
4. Anyone can join.
5. Unlike Al-Anon meetings, cross-talk is allowed (talking to each other; commenting about what others said, etc) . In fact it is encouraged!
6. Of course, not evaluating each other negatively. Share the love and faith. Provide ENcouragement (give courage to others).
7. You can discuss your feelings on the topic. You can talk about something else if you have it on your mind. And of course discuss a burning desire.
8. Unlike Al-Anon meetings - You can eat will talking.
9. Unlike Al-Anon meetings - You can comment MULTIPLE times

Can I get anyone to agree? Or do I have the shortest Al-Anon Meeting in history? Don't leave me hanging friends!

Also, there are people from across the country and in other countries across the world who have contacted me about Al-Anon "thing". . . This maybe a chance for you to attend a meeting to see what it is like (of course, it will not have the same affect.)

Please send your "OK this is interesting and I'd like to try it" or a minimum a Topic!!!

Thanks and God Bless YOU!!