Today I Am Pissed

Yesterday my child came to stay at my house. My child went to bed the night before, at 9:30PM. My child was dead tired when I called yesterday morning. My child has exams all week - and it was/is an on-going problem where my wife is undisciplined and cannot get herself to put our child to bed at a decent hour.

On-going. We used to fight like hell about this. Our child's eating habits and what time our child would go to bed.

My controlling the uncontrollable. The drug of alcohol is powerful. No one but you dear reader understands how we get swept up in the vortex of emotion and deceit. We are lied to so well, that we believe we are the problem.

The alcoholic can be a crazy nut. Now that I am out of the relationship I am doing much better. But I am still hooked. I am hooked still - but less than I was before because I am not living in the midst of the alcoholic's crazy life. But my child is.

A Guardian (a person appointed by the court to see if the child is protected or abused) cannot understand the vortex of hell in living with an active alcoholic. No one can. It is a bitch. And I (us/you) get sucked in to the contribution of hell. We make it worse to be sure. Al-Anon is a way to get out of the friggin' contributing to the hell.

Except - I still get hooked.

My wife has purposely - I am positive now - forgets to pack our child's "favorite" sleeping pj's. I offer to buy some for my house - but our child wants her "special" clothes.....

So, at 8:50PM after a nice dinner my child gets ready for bed. No PJs.

The little child is tired from the night before. He/she cries. He/She screams. The child calls Mom - and mom of course, is righteous.

She - the mom - is out with AA friends. She says I have to get home by 4PM to pick up our child's pet and clothes and stuffed animals. I work you see - in a bad economy. I switched jobs to not travel. I am new in my role - a high paying role to be sure, but she is forcing me to leave the office - BECAUSE she has a meeting to go to - at 4:30PM and will not be home until 9:30PM.

The alcoholic is manipulative because the disease is so cunning. And I am sucked into the middle of it. I am afraid I will be stuck in it the rest of my life.

I pray this morning for myself. This is seemingly selfish as I write this - but it is true. My anger is high. But I have learned to not trust my anger. It is a reflection of alcoholism - the disease - and what it wants me to do so it can rejoice and justify itself in it's host. It is hiding, lurking, looking for the moment to hook me and make me rage against it. I make it powerful and strong by my rage.

I need to remember this. I make it stronger by my negative, angry reactions to it.

It is trying to win by making me look bad. I will look like the crazy loon. And it can say to its host, "See. I told you it's not me. Let's drink baby! Look everyone, it is true, he is the maniac. I am okay."

Son-of-a-bitch. Now I remember. That's what it is trying to do!!!!!!! Make me the lunatic.

I almost fell for it. You bastard. You will not win if I don't feed you.

PS - I edited this post. I do not edit often. I just write and blah - there it is.

PPS - note the new poll above FOLLOWERS. Yep. I aim to please. Because? I am a people pleaser.

Resentments

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night where the discussion was on resentment.

I heard some neat tidbits. Here's one;

"When I begin to feel a resentment, that's the moment where I began to feel like a victim."

Here's a few more;

"My resentments usually are when I am trying to get someone to do something other than what they are doing."

"I am trying to control reasonable responses or reactions of others."

Note the key word here is "reasonable." These responses of others (or reactions or actions) may be and probably all are, reasonable. Ya know why? Just because they are not what I might do or say, doesn't make them unreasonable.


The key one I heard was . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . "To give up resentment, try forgiveness."

OKAY. NOW ABOUT ME
I am going court next month. It is a trial by jury. Yes. In my state we have the option of trial by jury in divorce cases. I made several (a bunch, probably too many) attempts to settle, to mediate, and offer a last settlement. No answer. No counter offer.

So, I pray.

I resent the legal system. I wanted to share that I resent divorce lawyers. The truth always get skewed. And when dealing with an alcoholic and attorney who want MONEY, this is like setting your money on fire and trying to douse the flames with gasoline.

My child has also been impacted. She listens to every conversation my wife has had about me and obviously what is said not positive. I resent that too.

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I am trying to let go and let God. I run to relieve the stress, but I hit a wall at about 20 minutes into the run, and I have to stop. No energy. No ZEST.

So, now, I turn this over to God with this post (And probably a few more between now and then).


And now I am going to . . . . . . . Forgive.

Holding Your Thoughts

Today I am working on holding my positive thoughts and overriding my worries.

I am a little anxious. Friday I go to mediation with my wife and the lawyers. The lawyers want money - our money. I pray for God's will and that I see it and my wife sees it. I am strategizing how the mediation will go as my wife is very well-to-do and has family money. But as I have learned, I have to let go of the outcome and allow God - my Higher Power - to step in.

I am not in control of the outcome - but I can do the necessary steps to prepare.

I am much happier than I was a year ago. I know everything that has happened has a reason.

I am very blessed and fortunate. When I allow my feelings to turn to gratitude and feeling blessed, I feel less anxious.

I have not been to a meeting since Friday. My schedule is off. I will go today at noon.

Hope you all are well.

Emotional Dependency

I am reading about emotional dependency this morning. Yep. Me. Emotional dependency. If you met me you'd say, "He wrote that?! Are you friggin' kidding me?"

Yep. Me.

Here is what is ringing in my ears;

Emotional dependency comes from our need to right and our need for approval. It comes out our need to feel loved and the need to be taken care of.

I consider myself to be "self-reliant." Hmmmm . . . Am I?

I crossed myself up with the thoughts of being "rich" or "well-off" with "self-reliant." When I read Emerson's essay on Self Reliance I read it from the stand point of money. I probably need to go back to it and read it with some different eye-glasses this time.

Here's what else I am reading regarding emotional dependency;

Tension arises when we want something from someone else.

If I think about it this is true. If I want recognition for my work at the office, I can feel the tension. If they don't recognize me or praise me, then I feel this tension of being "dissed" or "forgotten" or "not approved."

What if I knew I was loved? What if I knew that no matter what, I was approved of? What if I felt this deep in my heart and soul, that no matter what, I would be "okay?"

When I think about these three questions and hold the thoughts and the feelings within me, I feel less tension. I breath deeper. In fact, I am breathing deeper as I type this sentence, since I just typed those three questions.

What if you wrote these questions out in your journal? (By the way; GET A JOURNAL!!!).

Well, try it and see. Hold the thought in your mind. Write the questions out again. What if . . .

Then respond to the questions; I would feel this way about myself. I would act this way toward others. I would not look to others for their approval or best - their opinion of my work or me.

Funny. I just wrote something in that last sentence; "their opinion of my work." I know this is wrong but I do it. I transfer "me" and my self-worth with my work or more truthfully, how others deem my work. I knew this before. But this morning it strikes me differently. Maybe it rings deeper in my head as being ridiculous.

What I know today and I am working on is that the answers to these questions for me involve my Higher Power. If my HP approves of me DEEPLY and if I truly feel this, I feel better about me. Same with the other questions. When I feel my HP is there, then I feel better. I know, I will be okay no matter what happens. My HP works, as long I give faith. I wrote "give" not "have." That is interesting . . . Hmmmmm again.

New Topic - Sort of . . .
I have heard in Al-Anon people saying "I always find people who are 'emotionally unavailable.'" Interesting statement. I think because the term "emotionally unavailable" sounds clever, we mistake that this is a correct statement then. Just because it sounds clever - does not make it right. Now here is where I am in boundaries bordering areas where I have no clue of what I am talking about - but here it goes . . .

What if . . . the "emotionally unavailable" is our issue? What if they are not supposed to give us "our emotional satisfaction" and that in fact, that this is healthy? What if we did find someone who was "emotionally available" and what if in reality - that this meant we got our supposed "self-worth" from them? I think this would be in fact, slipping out of recovery and into "emotional dependency" and therefore - MAYBE - this person IS right for us, it's just that they are different than people we "dated" or "hung around with" before. And that MAYBE, it is us that needs to change and realize that this is part of our recovery . . .? I put a question mark there because I do not know if this is true or not or accurate or not. But I am going to think about this today and throw this out in an Al-Anon meeting soon to see what I hear back.

Just because it is a clever saying - don't accept it as true - is all I can say that I know is true!

And - I am not saying "Hang out with people who make you feel like crap." I am saying, "Hang out with people who allow you to be you. Hang out with people that do not judge you or others. Hang out with people who allow you to pick up your own shit. Hang out with people that want to encourage you to grow - be you - and have a program."

That's all for today. Keep the faith. Hope for Today. Faith in the future. We are ALL going to alright.

Accept the Day

Accept the Day. Al-Anon teaches us to "accept" things - people, events, situations, etc. Accept to me means - don't resist and fight with what is. While I am tired of hearing the saying, "It is what it is." there is a lot of truth in it.

Accept the moment if it is bad. Don't react. Observe. Observe the issue - the situation, as if you are an unaffected bystander. Cultivate the attitude of; "Isn't this interesting?" Or, "I wonder what this is meant to teach me." Observe and stand back. You may see the meaning of detachment here. You are not the situation. You are not less than if you sense you are being verbally attacked. You are who you are and you are WHOLE, COMPLETE and PERFECT.

Many people want to say they are not perfect. But I say you are. Listen to your inner voice when you say "I am perfect." The voice may laugh or it may say, "No you're not." But you are!

Remember this - there is a creator of infinite intelligence - a Higher Power - or God - if you prefer - AND he/she made you as perfect. What he/she gave you, was supreme rein over your actions.

Based upon this truth - you are perfect - what you may do is NOT always perfect. Give up the fact that you have to do everything perfectly. Perfectly doing is an evaluation or judgment of the action or activity.

Just release and accept.

Maturity in this program or in life is not about doing something perfectly. It lies in accepting reality. Not wishing or hoping. Just accept where you are. And realize you can move from where you are to another spot - another new reality over time. And you have the will to decide what spot you want to move to. Where you decide - and that is key - you decide - may not be perfect based upon others' opinion of reality or their beliefs. But it is up to YOU! You decide!

What you may do is not perfect - whatever perfect is. Accept this when something goes less than what we expected or desired. Laugh at this when you do something you may be embarrassed about. Realize this too, what everyone else does is not perfect either. Behind the closed doors of a bank President may shock you. Behind the mask your boss wears to work may reveal his foibles or lack of confidence. It doesn't matter what their weaknesses are - except that realize we are all struggling and have our doubts and fears and that this is just part of life. Accept this. Accept the day and just say "I am going to do my best." That's it. Not "It's going to be perfect." For what is "perfect?"

Listen to your heart, feel your emotions, understand your reactions to events, and realize - that this just is. Listening to your feelings and reactions can reveal more about yourself and what perhaps you are not accepting, which may allow you to release whatever imperfection you have or belief you feel you need to live up to.

This "accepting" may help you understand what false beliefs you have accepted as true about you and the world, that are in truth, making you feel guilty, feel ignorant, or holding you back.

Accept - listen - and allow the truth to revealed to you about certain situations and just observe today.

Big Problems?

Al-Anon has given me a strength, that at one time I would have argued was a weakness. In fact, Al-Anon has given me several strengths, that at one time I would argued were weaknesses.

I want to cover one of these strengths. The strength is knowing that I need a Higher Power or God. That I cannot go through life alone and solve my big problems.

I left God years ago. It wasn't until about three months ago that I realized I was wrong.

How did I realize that I was wrong? In my heart I already knew but it happened solidly one day when . . . My qualifier's alcohol councillor advised me to read and study Step 1. He said, "Read Step 1. Study it. When you are done, study it some more."

I thought he was an idiot. I am dying here, I thought in my best George Kastanza immitation, and he wants me to study Step 1?! Are you friggin' kidding me???

So, against all logic I did. I didn't at first. I avoided it. Then I did and I went and read Step 1 over and over -from the book - "The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions," a very dry book (you cannot convince me otherwise, but check in with me six months from now, for I may be eating these words. I have eaten a lot of words. I am now using ketchup and pepper to help the taste of eating humble pie).

I also read Step 1 passages from the "Courage to Change" and "Hope for Today" by looking in the index in the back of these books. I knew I needed something. Anything. Just help me. Help me now.

Then someone said, on this blog, in a comment, "God doesn't give me (us) problems that are we cannot get through." I think I would add, "eventually." And in his timeframe.

Knowing this does provide hope. And provide courage, at least to me. I know several of you, are going through very tough times. There is nothing more lonely than living with an alcoholic or dealing with one who is a child (or any family member facing an addiction).

I started from attending one Al-Anon meeting a week to five and 1o a week. This little thing gave me a lot of serenity. For only in these rooms, do the people who are there, really understand what we are going through and dealing with.

Also, I know in the middle of the night, when I think I am truly alone, God is there too.

I hope this helps you today.

PS - I am still reading Step 1, so I can "give up" control and know that I cannot manage the things that I have no control over.

PPS - "Wisdom to Know the Difference" . . . a line from the Serenity Prayer . . . and knowing we are all human and connected.

Worry - Part 1

At Al-Anon we learn to try not to worry. As I posted before, there are several things that have helped me from "attempting to predict the future, negatively." This - "Attempting to predict the future, negatively" - is my term for worry - that does nothing but make us upset, causes stress in the present, (the right now), and perhaps, even causes the very thing we are worried about to occur (more on this later).

A worrying consciousness helps create a future of sickness, lack and limitation and even poverty. Worrying is "mind poverty." It is poor thinking. It is thinking in the present about the future in a negative manner.

Problems Thrive In the Past and the Future
As a side note, while worry looks forward about the future, we also have the evil twin sister of worry which is "blame." Blame is negative too. However, blame looks backward. Blame looks backward at the past. Looking backward and blaming someone or something that happened to you, is destructive, because it looks at something that cannot be undone. Blame feeds its sister, Worry, because now, Blame whispers to Worry, "What if this happens again?" And the sister, Worry takes over and begins to project the perceived negative past on to the future.

Take a moment and reread that before reading any more.

Does this describe anyone we know? How about, "anyone you know?"

Crazy when we think about this isn't it? We are spending the present thinking about stuff that hasn't happened yet and thinking about stuff that already occurred that cannot be changed.

Constructive Tools To Eliminate Worry
Here are some tools to help you over come "worry" or negatively predicting the future;
1. Look down at you feet. See that they are firmly planted in the PRESENT. Do what you can and think about - those things you can do right now.
2. Reframe the past. What problems occurred that you can REFRAME to be considered opportunities of learning (a.k.a. lessons learned) that will help you in the PRESENT?
3. It will work out. Remember this one? An Al-Anon colleague said, "It will either work out, . . . or, . . . It will work out." When I say this I am able to stop thinking negatively, and breath a little deeper. It works for me. I hope this works for you.
4. God, or if you prefer, your HP, has the plan. He is going to run the Master Plan as he sees fit, for the advantage and benefit of all involved. If you turn your worry over to him, he is big enough to handle the worry. It's his job. It's a 24 by 7 duty, that he has assigned to himself.
5. We worried yesterday, about what? Have you ever looked back at what you were worried about yesterday? Can you remember a year ago? How about five years ago? Do you recall all those things you thought you could never get through? Now, what about these things today?
6. Practice "constructive worry elimination." This is my term for thinking about worry in a more positive light. Such as; "If I lose my job, maybe I will get a better one, and this will be my chance to do what I love to do." Or, "If I lose this relationship, maybe I will have a chance to meet someone and do some things I would never have been able to do." Do you get the drift? You can even be more specific, such as; "If I lose this account, I know it will be tough for a few weeks, but it will free up two hours a day, to allow me to try and win over these other, better accounts (clients)."

Give up worrying. Worrying is negative goal setting (more on this later - perhaps tomorrow). Worrying has no future in it.

Have a great day!

Forgiveness

fForgiveness - In Al-Anon this is one of the tools we use to help us. Sounds strange doesn't it? "To help us."

A Simple, Effective, Powerful Tool
Forgiveness. A powerful tool that if used properly can fill you with abundance, joy and peace. You see, forgiveness is the opposite of resentment. Forgiveness allows us to release the anger and the trespasses that we feel people have made against us.

Hanging on to the anger, the feeling that we have been trespassed is another powerful addiction. As soon as we hang onto one feeling of anger and allow it to reside within our bodies, we soon find another person's actions or words have harmed us. And we allow it to reside there too. This action becomes easier for us each time. Soon it becomes a habit.

Sow a thought; reap an action.
Sow an action; reap a habit.
Sow a habit; reap a character.
Sow a character; reap a destiny.

A Sack of Poison
Soon we are carrying this sack full of poison within us - despising our so called "enemies" for what they have done that has "harmed us." The problem with this is our little sack of poison starts to leak. It leaks into other relationships. It make us see the world with distrusting eyes. And soon, we begin to see actions that just "are," as actions meant to harm us.

The resentment poisons our bodies. It causes other illnesses. It causes our blood pressure to go up. It causes us to be anxious, stressful and tense most of the time. We become frightened and fear what others "may" say to us. Or we may fear what others will say about us to someone else.

Give up resentments this morning. Practice forgiving and forgiveness's. Let the past bury the past - and let the dead bury the dead, as they say. What happened in the past is the past. Not a thing you can do to change it.

Wipe the Slate Clean
Today, decide to wipe the slate clean of all past grievances. Say, "I give up and release everyone and anything that I felt hurt me." See the picture of a slate or chalk board in your mind, with all those grievances written on the board. And then, one by one, give them up by erasing them, saying, "I release everyone and anything that I felt has hurt me. I let go of the past, and what cannot be undone and I look to today, at what can be done."

Actions to Get Rid of Harder Past Grievances
If you have a grievance that you cannot just let go, here are three actions that I think can help;

1. Go to the other person and let them know you were hurt. And tell them, that you harbored anger toward them. And that you love them just them same and you have let go of the anger (or trespass.)
2. Write a letter saying how you were hurt and how you harbored the hurt/anger. And how you are releasing it. You can write it and decide whether to mail it.
3. You can write these on a piece of paper. Go to the backyard and put a match to it. As it burns, watch it burn away and symbolically, feel your resentment dissipate.

Sone people may recoil when you tell them. Some may say, "What are you talking about?" And they may really have no clue they said something that was hurtful. Others may say, "You are weird." And others, those who are in the active addiction, may not care or understand what you are talking about.

You don't have to tell anyone who you are doing this for and in fact shouldn't. It loses it power AND your telling other why you are doing this, is another form of our "disease" of needing to justify our actions and get validation/approval from others. But this is the another topic!

Knowing the reactions going into forgiving, may allow you to see and understand that you are not doing this for them.

Just for You
Forgiveness, if you like, is a purely selfish act (by the way, selfish is OK in this case!). It is for you, the forgiver. It is not for the other person. When you let go and release, you will feel better and closer to your God or your Higher Power.

It Will Work Out or . . .

At Al-Anon meetings we keep the focus on ourselves, and not the alcoholic. This can be hard to do, especially when we are living with the disease and it is active. It is harder even still, when there are little children involved. This - I know - firsthand.

So, I hope I can provide you with strength, hope and courage - every morning and every day from my posts. Today I want to post a comment I picked up and wrote down from a recent meeting.

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One wise man said, "When I was worried about something I had no control over, I called my sponsor. He listened to what I was worrying about and then said, 'Here's what will happen. One of two things will happen. It will either, work out . . . or, it will, work out.'"

Interesting. If we know things will just work out, that we have no control over some things and that, the God of our understanding, will oversee this for us, this can be freeing.
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In Step 1 we learn and relearn - we are "powerless over alcohol" and that our lives have become "unmanageable." Once we know this one thing, once we have admitted and committed this one thing over to memory and not react or respond to everyone and everything, we can begin to see we need something greater than ourselves, to turn all this stuff over to. We can begin to see that there has to be a God (or a Higher Power if you prefer). That God, or our HP, doesn't care what we call him or her. That the God of our understanding is there - always there and doesn't get caught up in the petty words we chose to call him or her - i.e. whether we call him God or our HP. He just is.

This is new to me, this turning things over to God or our Higher Power. I am realizing for the first time, that I have carried too much, for too many people, for too long. I couldn't possibly be and do everything for everyone else. I used to think everything was my responsibility to solve. Now, I admit, I did draw the line when it came to politics, world hunger, and foreign affairs. But in matters surrounding work and family, I was there, ready to carry the whole ball of wax.

Whether we go to church or not, God is there. He is always there for us and waiting to help, if we ask and we just allow ourselves to ask for help.

He may not answer our call exactly as we want it to be and may not answer it in the time frame we desire, but it will be answered in the way it is supposed to be.

After all, either it will . . . work out or, it will . . . work out.

Your Intuition

In our craziness, have we lost a certain "power" we once had? I believe one of our greatest gifts is the cultivation of our intuition. But in our chaos, we seem to have lost this gift. The noise that surrounds us is too loud to allow us to get a feeling, a sense or a gut feel of what else is going on, that perhaps we cannot see, feel, hear, smell or taste.

In "Hope for Today" there is a reading that talks about intuition. It goes onto say, "in your heart you already know." It talks about this feeling as a connection with your higher power. It is the voice in which our HP may speak to us.

In a book that I opened that I always carry with me, I turned to a page, this morning, and it says this, "In your heart, you already know exactly what you want. And if you listen to your intuition, it will tell you. Your mind will sell you out, but your intuition never will. Your intuition is your connection with the Ultimate Power. Learn to trust it."

Whatever our intuition is telling us is important. We need to quiet our minds and listen. I used to love getting in the car and just driving - anywhere! It gave me a chance to think. Now with cell phones, driving to get that quiet time is difficult to obtain.

If we can get back into the habit of escaping from the noise and listen to our intuition, our intuitive voice becomes stronger. But we have to make an effort. The more we trust it, the more it will tell us.

How We See Ourselves

I believe that the "discovery" of self-esteem and its powerful role on how it affects everything we do is one of the most important "discoveries" in the past several centuries.

In America, we celebrate Columbus Day, the day when Columbus "discovered" America. While this is an important day for Americans, the discovery of self-esteem is important for the human race. I read in Wikipedia that the term, "self-esteem," can be traced back to 1657.

I am not going to "pretend" I am an expert in this matter. I am a novice, trying to understand the human condition and the mind and its how it regulates our ability to become everything we can become and be the best we can - in all parts of our lives.

I have decided, I get only a short period of time on this hair-ball planet, and that I am going to attempt to run my life by being the best I can be. The best I can be. Not by what others think is best for me. I believe working on me and my self-esteem allows me to break free from the trap of others' expectations of me, what I should be, what I should do, how I should behave.

When I first read about self-esteem, I began to understand a powerful concept, that I could change and improve, that was within my control and how it could improve how I saw the world and my ability to operate in it. Below are a few powerful sentences that say so much, in so few words.

This is a passage from Dr. Robert Anthony:
How you see yourself creates your behavior, and this behavior creates your environment or your results.

Wow. Think about this for just a minute or two this today. You mean, how I see myself creates my outside world? Hmmm. Am I thinking trash and negativity? Remember my earlier posts about the "Law of Attraction" and how the brain filters in through sight, smell, touch, sound -what we are thinking about.

In the next sentence, he says;
When you attach your self-worth to your accomplishments or to your behavior, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. No matter how hard you try, someone is going to think you're not okay.

Then he goes on to say,
. . . Take a look at how much of your life is about winning approval and realize this important truth: You'll never get it. You simply can't please everyone, so learn to please yourself and find relish in the person you are.

Reread these passages today and come back tomorrow to reread them. These are important "truths" that can lead to serenity and tranquility. Peace of mind, is the highest form of achievement in my view. If I can get that, I have achieved what money, recognition from others, and material possessions cannot provide me in the long run.

My Short Prayer

This post is about the shortest prayer. I learned this recently at Al-Anon.

Over the past week at Al-Anon, I have learned something that I want to share. I have come to learn, that what I have been saying, every single night for the past six or seven months, at 3AM each morning, is really a prayer. This surprised me.

I was also surprised to learn that others have said it too. In fact, it became a topic of conversation in Saturday's Al-Anon meeting.

Here is what I have been saying, every night at 3AM.

"God, help me."

This says it all.

Except for the labels of this post. They help say a little more.

A Short Blog Post This Morning

I posted today's blog post last night. You will see it below this post.

I wanted to post something someone said at an Al-Anon meeting Sunday. It's about God (or if you prefer, your Higher Power).

Here is what a woman who is going through a crisis said, and it's worth writing down and remembering.

"God is as close as your breath."

A Bad Story - Starting to End Well

(I wrote this story about a week ago. It got usurped by my wife deciding to take off for the lake and mountains without plans around my work and our daughter.)

I decided to add this to the post this morning:
What Lessons I Learned (because this blog is not just about venting, it is about grow. Albeit growth through getting angry sometimes and venting and stress, but growth.)
Here are my lessons:
1. Ask for Help - and unseen forces will come to your aid.
2. Making progress means taking little steps or actions, what I call imperceptible differences, and over time, things do fall into place.
3. This is related to #2. You may not see the results as soon as you wish. But be patient.
4. Know what you will sacrifice everything for. What is important. In my case my daughter having a chance at life and some normality.
5. I was never a "God person." I am not sure why I even put that in quotes. I do believe that there are forces in the Universe that will help us, we just don't always ask or ask correctly. This may be God. I do talk to God. I have called upon God over the past 3 years and he has not let me down.


One of my stressors was the fact that my wife could not and can not teach my daughter and work with her after school on her school assignments. This was obviously due to the alcohol. You may recall that I was rather trusting and assumed she was taking care of things at home.

I started to realize about the same time I was coming to a conclusion my wife was on her way to looney tune land (I thought her actions were due to early PMS or she was bi-polar). I noticed she would start talking to people on the phone while my daughter was studying. By the way, there was no study time set in our house. It was like pounding nails into a board with the palm of your hand trying to convince my wife that there needs to be a specific study time.

Then of course, I discovered she was drinking. Then I discovered all about alcoholism and how it over takes the entire household.

My daughter is precious to me. She represents peace and sanity. She is very pretty. She is sweet about 99% of the time (there is this 1% that she can draw upon that is right off of some brat show on TV). But in truth, I have been blessed. I am a big guy - the oldest of a large family of boys. The guy who worked construction to pay his own way through college. So when I say she is precious, I am going to a word I used to be very uncomfortable with using. Ever. I don't think I could have used the term "precious stone" - not that I would have had an occasion to.

Back to the Point
I did not realize the extent of how my wife's alcoholism consumed my wife with thinking about herself and how she looked to others. It wasn't until recently - that in the past several months when my daughter's grades slipped drastically to D's and C's. I became very frightened. Scared.

I did not want to have my little girl's self-esteem damaged by having poor grades and being left back. My wife at the time, was MIA, mind-wise. She seemed to think I was a control freak. I probably was. But when the earth is spinning off it's axis, what do you do, just sing, "Let It Be?"

This is our little girl! While she should not see us panic . . . We need to panic!

Was This Grade Harder?
Sure this grade is harder.But in listening to my daughter get frustrated, she would complain that, "Mommy does not make any sense." I know the feeling. If my wife tries to explain something I am/was dumbfounded. I thought it was a male vs female communication thing. Now I see it with my daughter.

So, for the past 2 months I have been working behind the scenes and especially in the past 3 weeks to find tutors for after school study. My wife tried to thwart me at every turn;

• Cancelling a tutor who was supposed to come over.
• Taking my daughter out for shopping with my wife's friends when we had a specified time to study.
• My wife complaining in front of my daughter that I was controlling (actually the words were, "Control freak") when we set up a study date for 30 minutes on Saturday and one on Sunday.
• My wife running around in the kitchen talking on the phone or banging pots and pans acting like she is cooking, when we (my daughter and I) are trying to study and when we have a teacher from the school over the house to help our daughter study.

She - my wife - does not like to be out of the center of attention. She barges into conversations and dominates them. She starts talking to the tutor and the focus is off of the studying. So, I now I have to buy a larger desk or table for the study we have in the front of the house. The point being, we have to move out of the kitchen when we have the "tutors" come over, and they can close the French doors to the study and not be interrupted.

All these machinations have taken a tole on me. It wore me out. I felt like I was taking one step forward and two steps back. But slowly, very slowly at first, got the extra help. I asked around and the help came.

• Found the extra help for tutoring. A high school senior a neighbor pointed us to.
• We found out that there was going to be an afternoon program for students at her school.

The forces of the universe, my HP, and just sheer work, was coming to our aid. I just didn't see it at the time. Slowly, imperceptibly, the little steps paid off.

Asking for Help

One thing that really helped me, and you probably need to hear this. And the little thing that turned out to be a big thing was that Al-Anon meeting I went to, back in the summer of last year. The topic was about; Asking for Help.

That was what the entire topic was about for an hour. I never would have asked for help. "Are you kidding me?", you might ask. Nope. Never would ask.

But I did.

I asked my neighbor. She came through a week later with a name of a high school senior whose mother is a nice lady who was a substitute teacher where my daughter goes to school. I called the daughter and mother and asked that we meet - saying that we could each eyeball each other, to see if we had a third eye in the center of our forehead. The teacher of my daughter also came through. She spends more time with me explaining where my daughter needs help. And she came up with a name of a tutor too. Now we had more options than we needed.

Slowly. Surely. Imperceptibly. Help is on its way. Thank you Higher Power.

I am reminded of a quote. I am not sure who said it. I heard it from Brian Tracy, one of my favorite authors. In one of his video and several audio programs he quotes someone who said,

"Act boldly, and unforeseen forces will come to your aid."

(see comments - I corrected myself.)

I love this quote. I didn't really act boldly. I just acted by asking for help. And help arrived.

And today I am grateful for one more thing. These results. I need to remember this was a major stress point 4 weeks ago.

A wish for you to comment: Please comment if you like the "Lessons Learned" upfront. And if I missed any lessons learned, please add them to the comments. I would be grateful as I know others would be grateful. If you like the idea of the LL upfront, I will continue to do this.