A Sign?

In my hometown, I was jogging and I came across this sign. I stopped in mid tracks, startled. And then I looked up laughing and said, "I got it. Okay, I got it!"

This was the day after I was affirming the same words in a notebook, in a three day management meeting. The VERY same words.

I just had to take this picture . . .

(The labels for this are interesting)

Just In: What If . . . ?

In Al-Anon I learn NOT to ask "What if?"

But "what if?"

What if I didn't judge? What if I didn't judge myself? What if I didn't judge others?

What if I could eliminate my judgment of myself and others? What would that look like?

++++++++++++++++++++

It is a thought that cannot just be read. I really have to feel it. When I do this, I am "released."

Two Posts Today - How Lucky Can One Get

Two Posts for the Price of One

Yep. Two. Both are for free.

As I sit here - just finished my first post - I am thinking - I am very grateful. I really have no problems. Yes. I am going through a terrible divorce. I never thought I would be part of such a thing. It is one you would read about or hear about how ugly it has gotten.

I share the ugly part with - well - hardly anyone. First my lawyer charges me too much. Second, don't want to worry my mom - and although I am waaaay too old to talk to mom - [I AM NOT one of those guys] - mom is still mom no matter how old you are. My brothers - waay too busy for the drama. And frankly - I hate reliving it.

But - I am grateful. I am so grateful and I woke up counting the amount of stress issues I have;

Economy - yes, my stock portfolio is down. Waaay down. But compared to others, not even close to them.

Job. I am new. Big position -sort of. Need to make a mark. Fortunate. Good things happening here.

Living in a rented house. Expensive. Next to our child's school. Wife has told our child somethings and has overheard mom. Cannot control this. I have to be patient. (Thanks to someone who wrote long comment about who cares what kind of food my child eats right now. Have fun with and let them remember the fun part. These comments resonate and help me)

Divorce. Jeeez. Enuf said.

Strange - my wife's drinking will not make this list.

House. Would like to buy house. Where? Once down and in, hard to change or resell.You'd better like it.

Exercise. Not able to exercise like I was. Stress is slowing me down a bit. Had to keep off running for about a month. Now better. GRATEFUL!!!

I am not ill. I am okay. Things could be a lot worse. I am comparing me to me, by the way.

I have a program. I have a sponsor. Use it, but you'll never lose it.

I can exercise.

I am blessed. Remember this today. How am I remembering my gratitude? It is clear at this second - I recognize I am ........PRESENT!!

Be Glad You're Not My 4 O'Clock

In Al-Anon the other day at a meeting - one guy shared. He said he was going through a divorce and was dating someone else and she and he had a problem that was fairly significant (I won't reveal for anonymity reasons).

But suffice it to say, the problem was pretty big and therefore stressful.

He went to his doctor and the doctor listened to his "I can't sleep" story. The doctor said, "You know, you are probably depressed. But this too shall pass. And, be glad you're not my 4 o'clock."

The man said, "How so, Doctor?"

The reply, "I have a 4PM appointment this afternoon with a man who is your age and I have to tell him he has Lou Gehrig's disease and he has two years to live. He would trade places with you in a heart beat. He would take all your problems and more, to know he has another 40 years or so to live."

Perspective. I needed that. I will always remember the; "Be glad you're not my 4 o'clock" as a title/reminder to my stressful situations.

Accepting

Accepting where you are right now.

Accepting to me used to mean - giving up, giving in, or saying, "What's the use?"

Accepting means to me today, I am happy and satisfied with what I am, what I have and living now in the present. What a change. A word that had such a negative connotation to being a word that is positive and fulfilling.

If I can accept - and not crave or desire for what ought to be, I am a much happier person. I don't compare, judge, evaluate, or wish for something different.

Just for Today: Try to accept where you are, what you have and not wish for something to be different. Even better, try not wishing for someone else to be different.

New Year - A Chance To Begin Again (A Do Over)

It's a New Year. A chance to begin again. A "do-over" in life. I used to think I would have to wait until the New Year to begin something for real - like a diet - because the New Year made it feel more "official."

Actually, every moment is a chance to begin. A chance to change course. A chance to - start all over again - without the guilt and burdens of the imperfect things you have done or may have said.

Removing the Burdens of the Past
You are in my way of thinking - perfect. There should be (I know "should be") no burdens of the past. With no burdens of the past - aren't we perfect?

There is a lot of talk in Al-Anon that we are not perfect. Here is where I disagree.

I believe we are perfect. What we do or what we say is not perfect. I am connected to my Higher Power and created so that goodness flows through me. I am a human being, living in a world of other human beings and my reactions to them and to the circumstances of "life" are not always in harmony or balance.

The teachings of Al-Anon help me center and react to the stresses of life more perfectly. The works of Al-Anon help teach me what is right or more right than how I used to respond.

If I can shed my disease of thinking too much - I can be a much better person - not to others and for the "sake of humanity," but - for me. This in and of itself is a break through. The words, "for me" are strangers to my lips and my mind. I have always reacted for others. I have been a caretaker, caregiver, advice giver, counsellor, fixer.

Changing and A Do-Over
I am changing. I now know I can claim a do-over. Now. Officially. For this is a New Year.

Yes - I am changing my thought patterns - with new thought patterns. One of the areas I am changing is I have become more open. Or so I believe. Let me give you what I think is a big example of my changing;

I have a friend who believes in Numerology. I would have thought this person was nuts. But I listened, read this person book on it and it was - well - interesting. I was a "number 1." Not surprisingly. But my "number 1" put me at odds with others - especially other "number 1's." I won't go into the details - because this is not the point of whether this is believable or not - but what is, is the fact that I would have thought this was crazy.

So, back to a do-over. As a kid, I grew up in the northeast. We would play baseball, football, kickball, and board games and whatever - all day. A do-over is when you swung and missed and claimed a "do-over" for some unexplained reason. Or you moved a piece on the board and it was a huge error and for some reason - like you had not been paying attention - claimed this "Do-over thing."

So, today - I am claiming a "Do Over" - officially. This do over thing gives me permission to change, steer the ship on a smoother course. The Time Machine (above picture) is of course not real and we cannot go back in time to undo stuff that we feel we may have done that has harmed us or others. But the Time Machine is symbolic in that we can "do over" now whatever we want by beginning to Let Go (there's that slogan again - See yesterday's post below) of the past. If I can let go of the past, the past cannot rock my ship like waves banging against the hull. The path I take or course, if I can follow this damn metaphor properly, is smoother without the past banging against the side of my ship, (my brain), trying sink me.

The past is a burden we carry around that keeps us from enjoying this second, this moment. It causes us (me!!!) to think we are (I am) not perfect and therefore should be punished (my guilt) or not forgiven because we are unworthy of being forgiven.

What "Perfect" Does For Me
I have come to believe we all are perfect. And the moment we live in - I live in - is perfect - because this is where I am supposed to be and I cannot undo God's Will. That everything I have done or what has happened is and was out of my control more often than not and to hold that thought helps me ease off on the brakes of my life and helps me accept myself and others. It releases.

The gift of the program about not being perfect - and this what I believe Al-Anon is really trying to teach me is that it is helping me understand that we are all imperfect and if so, we are all okay - especially me! And this MEANS YOU!!! And you know who you are as you read this! You are okay and will be okay.

It is a hard concept to understand and my brain, ego, previous programming, does not want me to look at myself in this way. My disease wants to call attention to the stupid stuff I did or hurtful things I have said or what I believe other have done to me. That is my burden. That is what I am shedding and calling a do-over on.

Last - this thought entered my mind - if I can just shut up most of the time - I can be of no harm to myself. What do I mean? I have this tendency to verbalize my thoughts. I "think out loud." When I hear myself think - I go - okay, I get it. Later, however, I sound stupid or say something stupid and I am perceived as a little weird. I am learning - even at my age - this is not a great thing to do at work. Especially with all the left brainers I work with.

Shut Up and HALT (so I don't call a do-over)
But more importantly - to shut up when I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired. The tired thing trips me up a lot lately. It used to be angry, but I understand my anger now. Now I am just not sleeping fully or resting fully. So when that happens, my propensity to "think out loud" occurs more often and my guard is down, and then I say something that is not the most intelligent. And, when I am tired, I am quick to anger. My anger spews forth in words I am soon to regret and in reality have no real baring on what or how I feel toward another person. This is another place where I wish I could do immediate "do overs."

Thank God for Al-Anon. I am seeing the speed bumps on my path of life more clearly. And the speed bumps are usually what I have placed in the road - not someone else's.

Amazing.

So, officially, I am Letting Go and claiming a "do over."

Gratefulness & Keep The Focus On Yourself

Being grateful. What a word.

It was shared by someone I like in an Al-Anon meeting last Thursday night. Being grateful. He said he had car problems before the meeting and it was why he was late.

He has a nice car. I have seen it.

He said the old person, would have been cursing and angry. As the tow truck appeared, he called an Al-Anon friend to get a ride. And he said, he was grateful that the car had not broken down and had given him no problems for 27,000 miles he has had the car. It was a new approach to his thinking. And that this would not have happened without Al-Anon.

Interesting perspective.

Be grateful today Joe. You have;

A beautiful child. Who can be a little or a lot - "precocious." (some would say "spoiled").
You have a nice life.
You have money in the bank.
You are healthy.
You are working.
You have two arms and two legs.
You can see.
You can hear.
You have nice rented house.
You have food in the refrigerator.
You have true friends - a network.
You have a Higher Power - one you never knew you had.
You have a sponsor.
You have a blog site that you can share and possibly help others at the same time you are helping yourself.
You have a program. And without it you would be crazy, or worse.
You have tools. Meetings, books, slogans, friends, sponsor, and more.
You have a great mother, sister and brothers.
You have a laptop.
You have books to read, a library card, and the it is right down the street.

And on the list could go.

I am truly blessed, as long as I stay focused on myself. And I think this is truly the meaning of "focus on yourself;" It is being grateful. Focus on yourself and what you have - not what you don't have, can't be or what you think others are "doing to you."

Birds of a Feather

I picked up a favorite little series of books I took with me to this home this morning. It's James Allen's series starting with "As A Man Thinkth."

His second book in the series is "The Path to Prosperity."

In the section "Making Judgment of Others" his writes;

"And as we clothe both events and objects with our own thoughts, so likewise do we clothe the souls of others in the garments of our thoughts.

The suspicious believe everybody to be suspicious; the liar feels secure in thought that he is not so foolish as to believe that there is such a phenomenon as a strictly truthful person; . . .

. . . On the other hand, those who dwell in loving thoughts, see that in all calls forth their love and sympathy; the trusting and honest are not troubled by suspicions; the good-natured and charitable who rejoice at the good fortune of others, scarcely know what envy means; and he who has realized the Devine within himself recognizes it in all beings, even in the beasts.

And men and women are confirmed in their mental outlook because of the fact that, by law of cause and effect, they attract to themselves that which they set forth, so come in contact with people similar to themselves. The old adage, "Birds of a feather flock together," has deeper significance than is generally attached to it, for in the thought-world as in the world of matter, each clings to its kind.

Do you wish for kindness? Be kind.
Do you wish for truth? Be true.
What you give of yourself you will find;
The world is a reflex of you.

The greatest discovery to me is "We become what we think about." A variation of this is, that is also powerful is, "What we think about, we attract."

This little books was written a 100 years ago, way before the book and video "The Law of Attraction."

I hope you find peace today and tomorrow. Live in today and think and be what you want to be.

Have a great weekend.

Here is a link to James Allen's works: http://www.jamesallenlibrary.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=frontpage&Itemid=1

Just for Today: I Will Stay Intensely In The Present

I look around, my big, rented house is empty of people. Have lots of furniture, from my premarital days, pretty nice furniture, no big AT&T spool tables, food in the stainless steal refrigerator, which I bought from the last rented house for a great price, because I am a negotiator and cheap, my car starts, and I had a great nights sleep.

No one is "out to get me." There is no one outside my house with a gun. I have zero debt. I have my health. I am very, very fortunate.

What Happened?
So, what is wrong? You would say, in all candor, "You are an idiot for worrying." You might not say the word, "idiot," but you should and, frankly, you would think it.

Damn, I was spinning out of control Monday. I was spinning out of control a week ago. Everything I learned in Al-Anon seemed to evaporate at certain points and intervals.

I repeat; So, what went wrong?

My Mind Took Over - It Became A Cruel Master
My mind. My mind took over. I was a slave to my mind. I said before, "The mind, a cruel Master, but a good servant." I allowed my mind to become the Master. I did not use it as a tool.

Well, as I look back, I did not exercise (running/jog is my thing), and I did not sleep well.

The sleep thing was the biggest issue. Not sleeping allowed my mind to take control and govern my reactions and responses and my worries and fears GREW in size.

The Edges of Serenity
I look around - having had a good nights sleep - and I feel - well - very fortunate. I feel grateful. As I type those words, grateful and fortunate, and feel them, I also feel a peacefulness, maybe feeling the edges of the place where serenity lives.

I am rereading a book, The Power of Now. It is not CAL approved literature, but it has a lot of good tools that reinforce Al-Anon's tools - or vice-versa.

Intense Presence
The words on page 55 - bottom - "Intense Presence." I am drifting from the writing of the book now into my interpretation . . . When things go wrong, things that trigger fear etc. etc. I become unconscious. I react from the past. I cast my past on the future fast and I become last. I think of people, places and things that can harm me rather than for what they are, and all this thinking is not reality. But my body reacts, and the adrenaline flows, and the emotion comes up. My emotion is my body's reaction to what it believes is happening because of my thoughts. Even though nothing has happened, my brain is causing my body to emotionalize its defensive mechanisms.

One trigger, in this case my soon to be ex-wife's attack through an email, and my lack of sleep and just the pressures of a divorce, a move, a new job, the economy, all in the background, is amplified. And I play into the email trigger by responding with an email, and a follow up phone call which turns into a dozen conversations with someone who can push more buttons.

She knows all the buttons to hit. She is my qualifier. She is like a concert pianist - she can hit the right keys - and I jump. I realize now I am dancing with alcoholism - again. But I have provided the piano. And I am the one dancing. She, well, she is somewhere, in a car, driving, laughing her buttooski off. She got me to react and she got just what she wanted. And - I am the one that allowed it to happen. She is probably a good person - it is the alcoholism. She has buried the alcoholism in her mind and this is what bothers me too. I need to stop trying to play with an inferno of fire and just leave it alone. Instead, I remind her of it. Why? I know why. But why should I try to convince her? I am "going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread." This is an Al-Anon quote. This is my obsession, as I have learned in one of the free pamphlets from Al-Anon about our "disease."

Just for Today I Will Practice Intense Presence
Just For Today - I am going to practice INTENSE PRESENCE. I am not going to allow my mind to drift into the future or past. I am not going to feed these two time devices with anything else other than "distant observation."

I am going to see if I can remember this. I am going to visualize myself in a row boat on a lake, rowing away from shore, and observe from the boat what my mind is trying to grow when it occurs.

A Row Boat - (Or A Life Boat?)
The row boat thing comes from a negotiators book I read years ago from Harvard Negotiations Class. I cannot recall the name of the book right now - but it was a great book. Let me look on Amazon and come back to you . . .

Found it: Getting Past No. Like I said a great book and an easy read.

Intense Presence. I will not identify with my negative thoughts. As soon as I identify with the thoughts, I give the thought more energy and my body starts reacting. If I observe, it takes away the time (past and future) according to Tolle - author of the Power of Now. If I can step out of the time dimension - the thought loses power and I become intensely present.

Let's see if I can remember the rowboat and rowing away from the thought and just observing it from afar. Maybe it is my lifeboat. Interesting thought Joseph.

Action Frees Us

Ultimately you define yourself by your actions and behavior - not what you say or read or hope. Self-demeaning thoughts or thoughts of egotism do not make us our ultimate selves. However, thoughts constructed toward a well-defined goal or outcome and actions laid out and taken to reach the direction of the goal are all-important.

Constructive thought and action resolves or at least -reduces - the conflict going on in our minds between what we wish to become - or perhaps a desire and fear. Thought -positive - and action toward something allows us to become more inspired - and motivated and live a life of confidence and happiness.

I read somewhere that happiness is a by-product of working toward a worthy ideal or goal. Notice the words - "by-product" and "toward." The happiness comes in the "doing" - not the actual achieving - to achieve something you want or wish or desire and of course the word "worthy" says a lot in terms of grace, peace and balance.

Working toward means accepting what and how we work with life and living life on life's terms. It means going with the flow of the universe and hoping that the speed bumps and hurts that occur along the way, will prepare us for a better future. It is in this - the faith in realizing - that while we cannot see what the future has in store for us - that knowing - that whatever we are getting from the universe - will make sense to us later.

How often have I said, "Well, if this didn't happen, I wouldn't have experienced this, or achieved this . . ." As I look back on life, I have a reason to be grateful even for the worst of circumstances, for I find myself in a better place than I was before the worst. Now, the worst was hell at times, let me assure you.

I am going to leave you with this great and awesome quote that a fellow blogger left here in the comments - and that I use throughout the day and in Al-Anon meetings . . .

From Winston Churchill, "If you're going through hell, keep going."

I love that quote. I hope it helps you today

The Easy Button - Getting Provoked

I must wear a big "easy button" on my chest. Why is it that the alcoholic can provoke and stir up such negative emotions in us?

They know exactly what buttons to push, don't they? And of course, we want so desperately to respond, don't we? And if we respond, what does it get us?

My answer: Nothing. It just makes us more frustrated. We respond expecting that we are talking to a normal person, hoping to gain love, acceptance, and maybe just understanding of our feelings or how we view the world.

We have to remember we are dealing with a person who is ill.

Someone said, this disease of alcoholism is like cancer. I thought about this and I disagree. The disease is more like a person who is mentally deranged or specifically, someone who is neurotic, has psychosis, and/or is narcissistic.

Yes, we can feel compassion for this person. But the analogy of this disease compared to someone who has cancer is NOT accurate. The person with cancer has compassion. He or she may be consumed with his or her disease of cancer, but they still feel for others and care about the feelings of others and the world others are living in.

The alcoholic - when they are in full bloom - can be an ass. They are self-centered and they are delusional. They think what they think and how they think is the way everyone else should think. They see themselves as the center of the universe, with all the stars and planets revolving around them. This is their disease.

I am not saying not to feel compassion for them. But it is a lot harder when they are in full bloom. And just because they are sober today, does not mean that their disease has gone away. It is still there. It has affected their minds. It has destroyed brain cells. In fact, the killing of brain cells may put them at 16 years old in their thought processes, when their physical body is 40 years old.

It takes years of recovery before they can get back to their true age. I understand when this happens, it is a beautiful thing. But, the alcoholic has to be sober (and this means NO drink) for sometimes over a year - sometimes two years.

It is a nightmare of a disease. But it is not like cancer.

And this "easy button" thing, well they provoke to deflect the disease of alcoholism from being the cause of all their problems. When we respond, they rationalize to themselves that we are at fault and that they are pure and good. That may be an over generalization, but there is a lot of truth to this, at least I believe it to be true.

The compassion thing? Well I think if we have compassion, it may keep us from responding, by reminding ourselves that this is a terrible disease and the compassion may be the most beneficial to us and not so much to the alcoholic. So I am all for compassion if is helps us and keeps us from worrying, and responding to the buttons being pushed.

I hope this little message helps you today.

PS - I was provoked today, yesterday and the day before. Damn, I have to read my own posts!

PPS - Also, I believe there are people who push our buttons, (not just our qualifiers) because we have shown them how and what to push, by our reacting either by being defensive, by cringing, taking them on, telling others what happened etc. Let's let these "issues" go and show that we are better than what we were (not better than the other person - because we all are frail humans - and we don't want to get into a comparison battle) - and demonstrate our alignment to the universe.

How To Improve Your Attitude

I am writing about something that we all know. We may have lost this little gift, along the road of recovery or trying to gain sanity.

It is the simple and free concept of gratitude.

I studied happiness a little while ago. One of the books that came out of the study was from the University of Pennsylvania, and Dr. Martin Seligman. He studied and researched happiness along with his students, assistants and other colleagues and found something startling.

It wasn't money that brought happiness. It wasn't success at work. It wasn't a certain religion. Or a certain nationality. Nor was it a lot of other things.

But the major factor contributing to happiness was this one word and attitude. It was . . .

Gratitude.

Gratitude. An attitude of being thankful for the things we have, had, and can do. Gratitude for the life that we have, even though it might be hell on earth for some who are dealing with immense pain, it is the ability to get away and count your blessings.

An Al-Anon friend told me to create a list of things I am grateful for. Starting with my arms. My eyes. My ears. The roof over my head. The ability to see, think, hear, talk, and so on.

It is the small things that really are large that we take for granted.

While some of us are not in the same place others are in, that is we have pain in terms of our emotions, finances, and family, this concepts may seem like a bunch of malarkey right now. I can tell you truthfully, at the time my Al-Anon friend told me to do this, I couldn't.

But now I can. I started my list. I am amazed at how small it is right now. I am still working on it though, adding things to it on a daily basis.

Peace to all this week.

Our Children - Another Al-Ateen Meeting

Last time we spoke about Al-Ateen was several weeks ago. My daughter is ten (10) if you recall. My concern was that she may be too young. On the advice of my therapist and the advice of the rehab's therapists - and a few others at Al-Anon, we went (acutally - I took her and she went).

Last night was our daughter's third meeting. She went in the meeting a little agitated. She is wearing an boot/brace on her foot because of a badly sprained ankle. The brace is difficult to put on. She had taken it off so Daddy (moi) and daughter could go to dinner (a fast food chicken place).

The agitation turned to her not wanting my help and that she could put it on. She went into Al-Ateen not the happiest of campers with me, the boot or probably life [Note to self: she said her life rots this past weekend. Rots. Hmmmm Didn't know they still used that word. It might be coming back. File that one away. I may become cool again. Not that I was ever cool, but maybe I'll get a second chance!]

Before the meeting - I hugged her and told her I loved her, and that I apologized for trying to help her my way. I said, "Next time I will ask you if and how you want me to help you." She hugged me too saying I love you. She said, "You can go now Daddy." She is kind of funny in that she wants to walk in that door by herself.

An Introduction
After Al-Ateen I met her outside, I introduced her to a man who had two sons in the same meeting. He is a really nice man that I sat next to during the Al-Anon Meeting going on at the same time as the Al-Ateen meeting.

While I was introducing him to her, my daughter stuck out her hand to shake his hand and told him her name. I watched this occur with great interest. She knew to extend her hand.

The Heist
After that she needed to use the bathroom - so we went back inside where there was a "Birthday" (someone was celebrating 15 years at Al-Anon). My little girl wanted me to heist a piece of cake. So of course like any good father, I did. We got out with the one with the most icing. She hobbled and I steadied her and the plate of cake, laughing and looking over our shoulders to see if there were any screaming Al-Anoners trying to get their plastic fork, paper plate or cake with the most icing back. Fortunately, we escaped. We laughed in the car when we got in.

Ratings
When we drove off she was laughing and talking how she rated the week. She volunteered the discussion - no prodding from me. She rated it a .5 on a scale of 1-10. Then she said she came back and revised the Saturday night. And rated it a 9.5 out of 10. She laughing and told me another girl was saying that was a very high rating. I asked, "Why so high?" She replied it was "Father-Daughter Dance." Now that sounds self-serving as I type this. It may appear that I am trying to place myself in the best of lights. But the Father-Daughter dance is where the men/fathers stand around in groups talking to each other and the girls do hoola-hoop contest and line dancing and run around eating pizza etc. Every once in a while I was able to sneak in and dance and show my daughter my "moves." My moves consist of what I recall used to be a cool dance. My recall is not very good about the dancing parts of my life and therefore - apparently - my moves probably mirrored the guy, Albert Brennaman, from the movie "Hitch." My daughter pushed me off the dance floor at one point, laughing. I was, I believe, the only father pushed off the dance floor. Hey, but at least I made it to the dance floor!

Anyway, back to Al-Ateen. When we got home she was still very excited and she rated that day - last night a 40 out of 10. A 40? I asked. "Yes," she said, "I really had a great time talking. And I really like this other girl, she is so funny." [Added later this morning - she has bonded with this other girl. One of the supervisors said that the children in these programs "bond" quickly. I can now attest to this.]

Last night I went to sleep in a great mood knowing this (her happiness and how she was SOOO excited. She even screamed out the door, "I am happy world!"). I am thankful and I am grateful. Thank you HP and friend who "advised" me to take her to Al-Ateen. And the man and woman who "oversee" the meeting.

File This In the Weird or In Tune Category
PS - A funny thing how Al-Anon works or life in general. In tune with the Infinite. On the way to the meeting - as we were driving, I wondered if Al-Ateen had sponsors like Al-Anon. At my Al-Anon meeting - while the Al-Ateen meeting was occuring, a woman who did the "set-up" read three (3) passages from the red Al-Ateen book - on - guess? It was on: Sponsorship in Al-Ateen. Weird.

How We See Ourselves

I believe that the "discovery" of self-esteem and its powerful role on how it affects everything we do is one of the most important "discoveries" in the past several centuries.

In America, we celebrate Columbus Day, the day when Columbus "discovered" America. While this is an important day for Americans, the discovery of self-esteem is important for the human race. I read in Wikipedia that the term, "self-esteem," can be traced back to 1657.

I am not going to "pretend" I am an expert in this matter. I am a novice, trying to understand the human condition and the mind and its how it regulates our ability to become everything we can become and be the best we can - in all parts of our lives.

I have decided, I get only a short period of time on this hair-ball planet, and that I am going to attempt to run my life by being the best I can be. The best I can be. Not by what others think is best for me. I believe working on me and my self-esteem allows me to break free from the trap of others' expectations of me, what I should be, what I should do, how I should behave.

When I first read about self-esteem, I began to understand a powerful concept, that I could change and improve, that was within my control and how it could improve how I saw the world and my ability to operate in it. Below are a few powerful sentences that say so much, in so few words.

This is a passage from Dr. Robert Anthony:
How you see yourself creates your behavior, and this behavior creates your environment or your results.

Wow. Think about this for just a minute or two this today. You mean, how I see myself creates my outside world? Hmmm. Am I thinking trash and negativity? Remember my earlier posts about the "Law of Attraction" and how the brain filters in through sight, smell, touch, sound -what we are thinking about.

In the next sentence, he says;
When you attach your self-worth to your accomplishments or to your behavior, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. No matter how hard you try, someone is going to think you're not okay.

Then he goes on to say,
. . . Take a look at how much of your life is about winning approval and realize this important truth: You'll never get it. You simply can't please everyone, so learn to please yourself and find relish in the person you are.

Reread these passages today and come back tomorrow to reread them. These are important "truths" that can lead to serenity and tranquility. Peace of mind, is the highest form of achievement in my view. If I can get that, I have achieved what money, recognition from others, and material possessions cannot provide me in the long run.

St Patrick's Day

Today is St Patrick's Day. In days gone by, this would have been a day of celebration. It would include seeing if we could get to a parade in some town and drinking beer.

Today, however, it strikes a little fear in my heart. I am not sure what to make of this St Patty's Day any more. I have come to fear alcohol and it's addiction. I have seen it hurt people very close to me. As I go to Al-Anon, I see husbands and wives, fathers and mothers, sons and daughters, still struggling to become people and determine what is right and what is wrong in life that they couldn't get when they were growing up.

I have stopped drinking. I stopped almost a year ago. For in one of the Al-Anon pieces of literature it states that Al-Anon has no opinion on whether the person attending Al-Anon drinks or not.

But does state, "'But for the Grace of God,' we could be alcoholics, too."

I share this sentiment. I was a Family Night Rehab program one evening when this one woman said, "My father was an alcoholic. I ran away from home. Then I married an alcoholic. I divorced him. Then I became an alcoholic and then I found myself here."

A Bad Story - Starting to End Well

(I wrote this story about a week ago. It got usurped by my wife deciding to take off for the lake and mountains without plans around my work and our daughter.)

I decided to add this to the post this morning:
What Lessons I Learned (because this blog is not just about venting, it is about grow. Albeit growth through getting angry sometimes and venting and stress, but growth.)
Here are my lessons:
1. Ask for Help - and unseen forces will come to your aid.
2. Making progress means taking little steps or actions, what I call imperceptible differences, and over time, things do fall into place.
3. This is related to #2. You may not see the results as soon as you wish. But be patient.
4. Know what you will sacrifice everything for. What is important. In my case my daughter having a chance at life and some normality.
5. I was never a "God person." I am not sure why I even put that in quotes. I do believe that there are forces in the Universe that will help us, we just don't always ask or ask correctly. This may be God. I do talk to God. I have called upon God over the past 3 years and he has not let me down.


One of my stressors was the fact that my wife could not and can not teach my daughter and work with her after school on her school assignments. This was obviously due to the alcohol. You may recall that I was rather trusting and assumed she was taking care of things at home.

I started to realize about the same time I was coming to a conclusion my wife was on her way to looney tune land (I thought her actions were due to early PMS or she was bi-polar). I noticed she would start talking to people on the phone while my daughter was studying. By the way, there was no study time set in our house. It was like pounding nails into a board with the palm of your hand trying to convince my wife that there needs to be a specific study time.

Then of course, I discovered she was drinking. Then I discovered all about alcoholism and how it over takes the entire household.

My daughter is precious to me. She represents peace and sanity. She is very pretty. She is sweet about 99% of the time (there is this 1% that she can draw upon that is right off of some brat show on TV). But in truth, I have been blessed. I am a big guy - the oldest of a large family of boys. The guy who worked construction to pay his own way through college. So when I say she is precious, I am going to a word I used to be very uncomfortable with using. Ever. I don't think I could have used the term "precious stone" - not that I would have had an occasion to.

Back to the Point
I did not realize the extent of how my wife's alcoholism consumed my wife with thinking about herself and how she looked to others. It wasn't until recently - that in the past several months when my daughter's grades slipped drastically to D's and C's. I became very frightened. Scared.

I did not want to have my little girl's self-esteem damaged by having poor grades and being left back. My wife at the time, was MIA, mind-wise. She seemed to think I was a control freak. I probably was. But when the earth is spinning off it's axis, what do you do, just sing, "Let It Be?"

This is our little girl! While she should not see us panic . . . We need to panic!

Was This Grade Harder?
Sure this grade is harder.But in listening to my daughter get frustrated, she would complain that, "Mommy does not make any sense." I know the feeling. If my wife tries to explain something I am/was dumbfounded. I thought it was a male vs female communication thing. Now I see it with my daughter.

So, for the past 2 months I have been working behind the scenes and especially in the past 3 weeks to find tutors for after school study. My wife tried to thwart me at every turn;

• Cancelling a tutor who was supposed to come over.
• Taking my daughter out for shopping with my wife's friends when we had a specified time to study.
• My wife complaining in front of my daughter that I was controlling (actually the words were, "Control freak") when we set up a study date for 30 minutes on Saturday and one on Sunday.
• My wife running around in the kitchen talking on the phone or banging pots and pans acting like she is cooking, when we (my daughter and I) are trying to study and when we have a teacher from the school over the house to help our daughter study.

She - my wife - does not like to be out of the center of attention. She barges into conversations and dominates them. She starts talking to the tutor and the focus is off of the studying. So, I now I have to buy a larger desk or table for the study we have in the front of the house. The point being, we have to move out of the kitchen when we have the "tutors" come over, and they can close the French doors to the study and not be interrupted.

All these machinations have taken a tole on me. It wore me out. I felt like I was taking one step forward and two steps back. But slowly, very slowly at first, got the extra help. I asked around and the help came.

• Found the extra help for tutoring. A high school senior a neighbor pointed us to.
• We found out that there was going to be an afternoon program for students at her school.

The forces of the universe, my HP, and just sheer work, was coming to our aid. I just didn't see it at the time. Slowly, imperceptibly, the little steps paid off.

Asking for Help

One thing that really helped me, and you probably need to hear this. And the little thing that turned out to be a big thing was that Al-Anon meeting I went to, back in the summer of last year. The topic was about; Asking for Help.

That was what the entire topic was about for an hour. I never would have asked for help. "Are you kidding me?", you might ask. Nope. Never would ask.

But I did.

I asked my neighbor. She came through a week later with a name of a high school senior whose mother is a nice lady who was a substitute teacher where my daughter goes to school. I called the daughter and mother and asked that we meet - saying that we could each eyeball each other, to see if we had a third eye in the center of our forehead. The teacher of my daughter also came through. She spends more time with me explaining where my daughter needs help. And she came up with a name of a tutor too. Now we had more options than we needed.

Slowly. Surely. Imperceptibly. Help is on its way. Thank you Higher Power.

I am reminded of a quote. I am not sure who said it. I heard it from Brian Tracy, one of my favorite authors. In one of his video and several audio programs he quotes someone who said,

"Act boldly, and unforeseen forces will come to your aid."

(see comments - I corrected myself.)

I love this quote. I didn't really act boldly. I just acted by asking for help. And help arrived.

And today I am grateful for one more thing. These results. I need to remember this was a major stress point 4 weeks ago.

A wish for you to comment: Please comment if you like the "Lessons Learned" upfront. And if I missed any lessons learned, please add them to the comments. I would be grateful as I know others would be grateful. If you like the idea of the LL upfront, I will continue to do this.

Men's Al-Anon Meeting

This meeting was on the Al-Anon 3rd Step. It was ad-hoc, as there was not someone who prepared for the meeting. But as in all things good, and non-judgemental, it was a resounding success.

There were about 10 men there. All of us a various stages in life and with Al-Anon.

I cannot explain how impressed I am with some of the members and how what one might call them, "wicked smart." I know I do. Their voices were voices of helpfulness, centeredness and all good.

We talked about God. I struggled with the concept of a God for much of my life. I learned later in life, or have come to believe, that there is "something" out there. It was a can be a "higher consciousness" or a "Power" greater than us all. The Al-Anon program has helped me understand this more clearly and consciously.

The meeting turned to the subject of "control" and "letting go." And this letting go meant not trying to understand why people do certain things. Again, as I pointed out in Monday's post, about how a meeting can turn, based upon what you speak about or how you say something, I found this same experience holing true last night. When I spoke about my feelings about a HP and the issue of my wife heading off to the lake and not even thinking to ask us, the next people that spoke, while they didn't speak at me, spoke about their experiences, and how similar they were, yet different, - but also what they did, wished they did do or not do, all based upon their learnings and more years of experience in Al-Anon. Of course, I could relate their situations to mine immediately.

I came to the conclusion, last night, that I was trying to control my wife, perhaps in a strange sorta way, from going to the lake/mountains and it is not my right to do so. I am having a hard time with this concept intellectually and emotionally. I understand the concept, but when someone wants to dive off a building, or a cliff, do you not let them go? Maybe this an extreme argument, justifying my position. Yes. Of course it is. She is heading off to the lake/mountains with friends who will be drinking. Not a cliff. But maybe a cliff in the drinking world, but not a cliff in real life.

What I have decided after last night, is it is God's will for this to happen. I cannot change it or control it. I am working Step 1; I am powerless over the situation. And my mind has become unmanageable about it. I resent the thought that no one asked me if I had plans. But that is the unmanageable showing up, based upon someone else's decision.

I am focusing on myself. And that was another key message last night.

I think I am going to use my energies of worry, doubt and fear and use these energies on how I can improve myself.
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We had dinner last night, and one of the gentlemen who spoke right after me spent time explaining his life and what happened to him. I saw him at several meetings before and he has a certain peace about him. [A "Certain Peace." I like that term.] He said he gave up trying to figure everyone and everything out. Peace. I am not sure how you do that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last night, before the meeting, I completed my apologies for having accused others of enabling my wife and allowing her to go to the lake house. It was a reaction when I accused them, covering up hurt from a sense of uncaring. This may be borderline rationalization and justification when I make that statement. But I make it and I judge my words, perhaps too harshly, perhaps right on target. I am not sure now. I am only sure about work, it seems.

Footnote
If you come across this blog, you will find a grown man, a sometimes irreverent man, a pissed off man, a hurt man, one who will come out on the other side of this better in some ways, and different in others. Maybe not what I expected of where I thought this life was going, but I really had no plan or vision of what my future would look like, in truth. Maybe this is forcing me to think about where I REALLY want to end up. And really what matters.

A Follow-Up Note

This morning I trespassed on a few people. My wife's friend who said basically yelling at me, "Well she's not drinking anymore is she???" And my response to her was, "Just by the very nature of that question and the fact that she has been drinking hard just 45 days ago, tells me you don't understand alcoholism and the disease. You should go to Al-Anon to understand it better and see how you are enabling her."

Of course at the moment I was not in my finer spirits. Although I believe my statement is accurate, it has a "I'm better than you tone." Still she is contributing to my wife's childish behavior of going to the lake/mountain. I need to get more humble. I still feel a little anger, as I sense I feel a righteousness.

The therapist played the chair game. And man, for a person who is in confusion, the one chair I sat in (the one that says "I go") I was clear, articulate and I breathed (she point the breathing part out). The 10% or the I stay chair, was; I was confused, abandoned, swirling, not breathing. In case you want to know the chair thing was cool looking back on it. I sit in one chair and this chair is one feeling and I talk; blah, blah, blah. Then I jump to the other chair and act out the other feeling; blah, blah, blah. I jump back and forth between chairs. This therapist is really cool.

What am I writing here?

I was once, very much had my act together. I knew where I was going and what I wanted. Or did I? No. That was a lie. I knew what I wanted with work. My love life was shot. So I buried myself in my work. Work became life. Life became work. My love life was or became non-existent almost the instant we were married. I can remember the limo ride to the hotel, the new bride's attitude changed. I can remember thinking in the car ride/limo ride, what's with this attitude? Is it she's tired? Maybe.

Before we were married, I told her the drinking had to stop. Or else, no wedding. I told my best friend this. She apparently told her best friend this too. She did stop. At least in front of me. I was so stupid and naive. Only men are alcoholics or are "drunks." What an ugly word. It was the fighting that ensued from her drinking. She would get hostile. I would back off. I had this sense of peace and did not engage. I had a daily ritual of waking up at 4:30AM and reading for 2 hours something inspirational. When I was done after the two hours, I had this very light feeling as if I floated. It was weird. I passed no judgement on people. I worked well. I ran with peace. I spoke to people directly and purposefully.

I told the therapist/coach/mentor this same thing this afternoon. When I was in the 90-95% chair. And I wanted it back. Want it back. Must get it back. Will get it back.

I started out this post with this thought about God or HP. I am not a religious person. So when I was thinking this, it was the list of what I worried about and then turning this over to God comment, that made me think of this and then the comment about God guiding me through whatever I decide.

This is a feeling that I hope does not leave me. I have a sense that I am being guided. And everything will work out.

I read this Zen story this morning. I think it relates to me in what I was experiencing at home for the past 7 to 10 years. The story goes;

She had this large bump in the carpet. She kept on straightening out the bump in the carpet to get it to lay flat. She did this over and over, but the bump kept on appearing. Finally in desperation, she lifted the carpet. Out from under the carpet appeared this very large snake, angry snake, that kept on causing the bump in the carpet.

I think the bump in the carpet was the alcohol. The addiction. I kept on trying to appease. I ran. Jogged. Skied. Worked. Avoided. Talked it out. Then the snake appeared. It was an angry son of a gun.

Now at least I know what I am dealing with. I did not like it. But I know what I dealing with.

Back to my original reason for the follow-up. I believe my HP is helping me. Through you. Through my sponsor. Through my therapist. Through my daughter. Through my mother. She said something yesterday too. My brothers too. Through two of my best friends who I have reached out to, to ask for help. Through I guy I worked with who went through the same exact thing. How come all these people are showing up? At my wife's rehab Family Night Meeting. The people there are super supportive. Even the counselor. He gave me the therapists phone number and recommendation, when I asked for help. I list all these people out, because I did not have these people around me trying to help me before, until I began asking. My daughter's school - the teachers, the assistant principal, the counselor there. The neighbors who some how know - but knew before me (I recall two women at two different times trying to tell me something, but I was not listening, refuse to hear what I thought was just gossip).

I am very grateful and need to remember this last paragraph of people and support infrastructure that I am building.

I see I do not have a label of "Gratitude." Interesting. How could I not have that?

I do now.