A Follow-Up Note

This morning I trespassed on a few people. My wife's friend who said basically yelling at me, "Well she's not drinking anymore is she???" And my response to her was, "Just by the very nature of that question and the fact that she has been drinking hard just 45 days ago, tells me you don't understand alcoholism and the disease. You should go to Al-Anon to understand it better and see how you are enabling her."

Of course at the moment I was not in my finer spirits. Although I believe my statement is accurate, it has a "I'm better than you tone." Still she is contributing to my wife's childish behavior of going to the lake/mountain. I need to get more humble. I still feel a little anger, as I sense I feel a righteousness.

The therapist played the chair game. And man, for a person who is in confusion, the one chair I sat in (the one that says "I go") I was clear, articulate and I breathed (she point the breathing part out). The 10% or the I stay chair, was; I was confused, abandoned, swirling, not breathing. In case you want to know the chair thing was cool looking back on it. I sit in one chair and this chair is one feeling and I talk; blah, blah, blah. Then I jump to the other chair and act out the other feeling; blah, blah, blah. I jump back and forth between chairs. This therapist is really cool.

What am I writing here?

I was once, very much had my act together. I knew where I was going and what I wanted. Or did I? No. That was a lie. I knew what I wanted with work. My love life was shot. So I buried myself in my work. Work became life. Life became work. My love life was or became non-existent almost the instant we were married. I can remember the limo ride to the hotel, the new bride's attitude changed. I can remember thinking in the car ride/limo ride, what's with this attitude? Is it she's tired? Maybe.

Before we were married, I told her the drinking had to stop. Or else, no wedding. I told my best friend this. She apparently told her best friend this too. She did stop. At least in front of me. I was so stupid and naive. Only men are alcoholics or are "drunks." What an ugly word. It was the fighting that ensued from her drinking. She would get hostile. I would back off. I had this sense of peace and did not engage. I had a daily ritual of waking up at 4:30AM and reading for 2 hours something inspirational. When I was done after the two hours, I had this very light feeling as if I floated. It was weird. I passed no judgement on people. I worked well. I ran with peace. I spoke to people directly and purposefully.

I told the therapist/coach/mentor this same thing this afternoon. When I was in the 90-95% chair. And I wanted it back. Want it back. Must get it back. Will get it back.

I started out this post with this thought about God or HP. I am not a religious person. So when I was thinking this, it was the list of what I worried about and then turning this over to God comment, that made me think of this and then the comment about God guiding me through whatever I decide.

This is a feeling that I hope does not leave me. I have a sense that I am being guided. And everything will work out.

I read this Zen story this morning. I think it relates to me in what I was experiencing at home for the past 7 to 10 years. The story goes;

She had this large bump in the carpet. She kept on straightening out the bump in the carpet to get it to lay flat. She did this over and over, but the bump kept on appearing. Finally in desperation, she lifted the carpet. Out from under the carpet appeared this very large snake, angry snake, that kept on causing the bump in the carpet.

I think the bump in the carpet was the alcohol. The addiction. I kept on trying to appease. I ran. Jogged. Skied. Worked. Avoided. Talked it out. Then the snake appeared. It was an angry son of a gun.

Now at least I know what I am dealing with. I did not like it. But I know what I dealing with.

Back to my original reason for the follow-up. I believe my HP is helping me. Through you. Through my sponsor. Through my therapist. Through my daughter. Through my mother. She said something yesterday too. My brothers too. Through two of my best friends who I have reached out to, to ask for help. Through I guy I worked with who went through the same exact thing. How come all these people are showing up? At my wife's rehab Family Night Meeting. The people there are super supportive. Even the counselor. He gave me the therapists phone number and recommendation, when I asked for help. I list all these people out, because I did not have these people around me trying to help me before, until I began asking. My daughter's school - the teachers, the assistant principal, the counselor there. The neighbors who some how know - but knew before me (I recall two women at two different times trying to tell me something, but I was not listening, refuse to hear what I thought was just gossip).

I am very grateful and need to remember this last paragraph of people and support infrastructure that I am building.

I see I do not have a label of "Gratitude." Interesting. How could I not have that?

I do now.