Just For Today, Yesterday

Today I leave town for the morning. Heading off to a conference. It's a 3-Day thing, that I am attending just for this morning, to help set up our booth/display and "man" it until others come in. I volunteered to do this because I was just an hour from the town where the conference is, why mess up everyone's weekend to have them fly in Sunday night.

Is that codependence?
I question my actions now about what I do and why I do it. I am not sure that this is a good thing. Because it has taken some of the automatic non-thinking activities that I did and has given me "cause for pause."

My wife. This is the Yesterday part of the Title of this Blog.
What a nut. She told me through my daughter she was going to the beach in two weeks with her girlfriends. "Excuse me? Are you like outter your mind? These are the same "girls" you used to go to the lake with and drank too much. Used to = last year. Can't you just skip going to the lake this year while you are in early recovery?"

Her reply, "Nope. I have decided to go. Besides my friend, 'ABC' (a fictitious name) will watch me like a hawk."

My reply, "So, you don't want me watching you like a hawk, and I learned I shouldn't through AL-Anon and the Family Night from rehab. So you are setting ABC up in the role?"

Her reply, "Well I said that because I knew you'd worry about me." [Man, isn't she fast on her feet? You see why you don't argue with an alcholic? I thought I had her pinned to the mat in my verbal maneuver above, and she came right back at me. But wait, I am still wrestling this demon. See my rejoinder.]

My rebuttal, [I am now getting engaged. Watch and learn. This is how we get 'hooked up']. So I said, "You know, you spent over 12 weeks in treatment. It cost you [us] several thousand dollars. Now you are going to, put yourself in a situation where there is alcohol and put stress into your life?"

Her reply, "Yes. That is what I decided." [All - Now watch or read, as I have gotten myself into this tangle with a sober alcoholic. I am engaging. I get engagement back. A passive-aggressive sort of retaliation. Instead, what should I have done? It was so easy to slip into this. I did not know the answer yesterday. Today I do know the answer to "what should I have done?"]

My rebuttal, [I am engaged in full now. Not angry though. Just in disbelief. And maybe using the "disbelief" as a guilt throwing device.]. Here is what I say, . . . ,
"You know, your going down there is not about you. I don't really care if you drink. But there are a lot of other people affected by your alcoholism. You have our daughter, your mom and dad. This is isn't just about you. What did XYZ say? [XYZ is her counselor at rehab]

Her reply, "XYZ strongly discouraged it."

I was in a little shock that he thought it was bad AND said so. But I was glad he expressed it. And I am surprised she admitted he said it.

But God intervened then, by giving me some calm and insight. "I said, you know, OK. Go ahead and go. Me and our daughter will go visit Uncle Mike and his wife." I said to myself, the insight being, maybe I can use this as an "opportunity" to get closer to our daughter.

"Who will watch the dog????" she said.

"I don't know. I'm sure you'll figure something out. Take her to the lake." I said. Truly not trying to throw the dog into an alcoholic party, but sticking her with the issue of the dog. Not mine to figure out. And I didn't pick it up to be mine. I was pleased.

God intervened even harder, more forcefully this time when my daughter my brought the phone from upstairs to the basement where we were having this conversation [we/I try not to have confrontations in front of our daughter. But our daughter is always curious to hear what is going on when we go into another room to "talk."]

The phone call was from a next door neighbor and my wife took the call and started talking so self-absorbed that neither one of us [daughter and me] were no longer there and no longer important. [Funny I write this part. I did not think about it until now. Now that pisses me off, now that I realize this. I can feel the sensation rising from my stomach, (this is happening real-time - as I write this) that recoiled snake uncoiling wanting to lash out and say "You stupid shit. We are having a conversation at the time and you put us on 'ignore mode'?"] But I didn't and . . .

I won't. It doesn't make any difference. [But why did I feel this? - I am writing this thought 3 hours later. Why do I want to be noticed? I must try to figure out why being ignored hacks me off.]

There is a reason for this exchange occuring. And my wife going to the lake/mountains. Maybe it is to show me her self-absorbtion. Maybe it is something that I will find out later. Patience, dear Joseph. And just let it be.

My daughter and I? What did we do while my wife got into the phone call and just acted as the peacheyist thing in the world to the phone caller? Well, we went to a coffee place (like Starbucks). And we studied for an hour. We reviewed her math. We had fun. She had a smoothie. I didn't.

Peace

PS - Thanks KevinB for putting the program together this weenend. I am looking for volunteers for the next weekend. It takes the pressure off of me, I am offering my hand for help!! :-)
PPS - We had over 260 visitors this weekend (Friday through Sunday night). When I say "we" - what I mean is this blog has become more than a diary for me. I have learned so much from the comments here and I am grateful for the anonymous support we exchange.