A Note I Made To Myself

I reread this from a course I took that the county mandated all people going through a divorce take. The note I made in my notebook was startling when I heard it and so I captured it on paper.

I reread it this weekend - about 6 months after I wrote it down. It says a lot. I am afraid it says a lot about me. It does not reference alcoholism, but it is, I believe, germane.

Here is the sentence I captured;

"The pathologically tolerant person looks for a controller who has an addiction."

Interesting and revealing. I am hoping that I am not looking for a controller anymore. I notice I am tolerant, but I am not sure where the tolerance boundary lies. Does it lie in accepting to go out to eat anywhere - because I really don't care what I eat? Does it mean I put up with people being late? Or people not expressing their love for me? How far does tolerance go?

There is one more sentence - a bullet point I captured right below this sentence. I didn't see it this weekend. Here it is;

"The controller has no clue how he affects others. He is narcissistic."

12th Step - Having A Spiritual Awakening

Last night I went to a meeting - and the topic was on the 12th Step;

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I sat quietly in this meeting. I sat quietly - which is some what unusual for me - because I couldn't think of anything really "smart" to say (my ego wants to sound smart and impress others), and because I was tired. I realize now, that when I am tired, I am not my best and I am probably not very coherent. Now, you might say, "That's what you learned in Al-Anon???" Yep. It's one of the simple things, that in the past, I would not admit to, and "gut it out" and say just about anything so that I could sound "on" and not tired. Today, I can keep my mouth closed (not always) and just chill.

But this is not what I want to talk about today.

I want to share this:

Having had a spiritual awakening. Have I? Many shared that nothing came down from the heavens and hit them on the head and has given them an "Aha" moment or a great light came and provided them enlightenment.

Miracles
I sat thinking in the meeting as others were talking - about all the things that happened that I cannot explain. The cardinals that came to my old home and then showed up at my new home and did some strange things and about a story of a cardinal in a meeting before the first hearing (something that I have not really revealed in this blog - that might appear as if I was was a little nuts - so I won't). The events that led me to a new job - a job that requires no travel versus the job I had before which was about 60% travel, that I had to scale back to 20 to 30% travel. And finding a new job - in fact several - in the midst of tough times. About meeting new people who are in a situation like mine.

All of these events above and others - that I consider - simply miraculous. Yes. I can say that word.

Finding God (or MY Higher Power)
But that is not my spiritual awakening. Even finding "God" or my HP in this program is not "Having had a spiritual awakening . . ." - at least not to me - although it could be.

The "although it could be" (above sentence - just reread that for a moment) - is part of what I am referring to.

I have tried to stop analyzing things and stopped thinking too deeply - but this is not always true.

Thinking Too Much (Part of the Spiritual Awakening)
The stopping of analyzing things IS part of my spiritual awakening. It is the little things that take me into my egoic mind and starts to reek havoc. The train wreck that comes about from thinking and more thinking.

Becoming More Conscious
I used to think I was pretty conscious. But this disease affected me a lot. It affected me minute by minute and covered me up with layers of thick blankets to where I could not tell what was real or illusions (my mind over thinking). I had layers of "denial" and "pretending everything was just swell."

I am becoming more conscious. I am in recovery. I am - seeing things differently. This is coming from a guy who has thousands - and I do mean thousands of books, audio programs, and video programs that HAVE HELPED me, and who thought he KNEW and KNOWS.

I remember two conversations at my wife's rehab center that are germane to this topic with one of the counselors. He said - I think it was the very first meeting; "We've all read all the self help books. But it is not until you are in a room like this." We were in a circle "discussing" - or "sharing" - much like Al-Anon.

In Recovery (and Admitting It!)
The second comment came from the same individual. He said, "Joe and his wife are in the early stages of recovery." Now for the record, my wife, was still drinking and later admitted it. I knew it - and I resented that statement about "She was in early in recovery" because my heart and mind and intuition were all screaming "She's drinking and won't stop." I wanted the truth to be on the table. I now know I am not in charge of her recovery nor am I responsible for the being the "truth teller." This is NOT my job.

This is easy to say NOW, now that I am no longer living with an alcoholic - an active alcoholic - one who is provoking and criticizing. I let you know this - because I would be lying to you if I said I could handle alcoholism again and live with it. I can't. I won't. But this is ME. I am not as strong as others are. I can admit that now. Even though - I believe a person who has the disease - can be the most beautiful and compassionate and most spiritual person. I can't because - I am too afraid of "what could happen."

But back to the point - I was - and still am in recovery. I hated that word. At the time, I "knew" there was nothing wrong with me. Duh. Denial? Yeah, maybe. Maybe more like ignorance.

Awakening, Slowly, Day By Day
The 12th Step is more around the "awakening" part. I am never fully "awakened." I am continously awakening - awakening from sleep - gaining consciousness - little by little, one day at a time, seeing things differently and seeing me, and how I see things as affecting how I see things and interpret events.

I am becoming more at ease with myself and others. I still rankle at when someone judges me. So I am not recovered on this part. But the program, that "spiritual awakening" for me is a continuous process of seeing things differently and using the previous 11 Steps as a foundation for me to live by - in and out of the program.

Not Part of the 12th Step (But Maybe it is . . . )
I hope this makes sense. But, there again, there is part of my recovery. Hoping this makes sense for you is - well, er, is, hmmm, "none of my business." Yep. Sounds harsh to an Al-Anoner. But truly, it is - "out of my control."

Boy, saying this, does sound weird and - frankly - uncaring. But that is my problem - how I think I sound to others.

Emotional Dependency

I am reading about emotional dependency this morning. Yep. Me. Emotional dependency. If you met me you'd say, "He wrote that?! Are you friggin' kidding me?"

Yep. Me.

Here is what is ringing in my ears;

Emotional dependency comes from our need to right and our need for approval. It comes out our need to feel loved and the need to be taken care of.

I consider myself to be "self-reliant." Hmmmm . . . Am I?

I crossed myself up with the thoughts of being "rich" or "well-off" with "self-reliant." When I read Emerson's essay on Self Reliance I read it from the stand point of money. I probably need to go back to it and read it with some different eye-glasses this time.

Here's what else I am reading regarding emotional dependency;

Tension arises when we want something from someone else.

If I think about it this is true. If I want recognition for my work at the office, I can feel the tension. If they don't recognize me or praise me, then I feel this tension of being "dissed" or "forgotten" or "not approved."

What if I knew I was loved? What if I knew that no matter what, I was approved of? What if I felt this deep in my heart and soul, that no matter what, I would be "okay?"

When I think about these three questions and hold the thoughts and the feelings within me, I feel less tension. I breath deeper. In fact, I am breathing deeper as I type this sentence, since I just typed those three questions.

What if you wrote these questions out in your journal? (By the way; GET A JOURNAL!!!).

Well, try it and see. Hold the thought in your mind. Write the questions out again. What if . . .

Then respond to the questions; I would feel this way about myself. I would act this way toward others. I would not look to others for their approval or best - their opinion of my work or me.

Funny. I just wrote something in that last sentence; "their opinion of my work." I know this is wrong but I do it. I transfer "me" and my self-worth with my work or more truthfully, how others deem my work. I knew this before. But this morning it strikes me differently. Maybe it rings deeper in my head as being ridiculous.

What I know today and I am working on is that the answers to these questions for me involve my Higher Power. If my HP approves of me DEEPLY and if I truly feel this, I feel better about me. Same with the other questions. When I feel my HP is there, then I feel better. I know, I will be okay no matter what happens. My HP works, as long I give faith. I wrote "give" not "have." That is interesting . . . Hmmmmm again.

New Topic - Sort of . . .
I have heard in Al-Anon people saying "I always find people who are 'emotionally unavailable.'" Interesting statement. I think because the term "emotionally unavailable" sounds clever, we mistake that this is a correct statement then. Just because it sounds clever - does not make it right. Now here is where I am in boundaries bordering areas where I have no clue of what I am talking about - but here it goes . . .

What if . . . the "emotionally unavailable" is our issue? What if they are not supposed to give us "our emotional satisfaction" and that in fact, that this is healthy? What if we did find someone who was "emotionally available" and what if in reality - that this meant we got our supposed "self-worth" from them? I think this would be in fact, slipping out of recovery and into "emotional dependency" and therefore - MAYBE - this person IS right for us, it's just that they are different than people we "dated" or "hung around with" before. And that MAYBE, it is us that needs to change and realize that this is part of our recovery . . .? I put a question mark there because I do not know if this is true or not or accurate or not. But I am going to think about this today and throw this out in an Al-Anon meeting soon to see what I hear back.

Just because it is a clever saying - don't accept it as true - is all I can say that I know is true!

And - I am not saying "Hang out with people who make you feel like crap." I am saying, "Hang out with people who allow you to be you. Hang out with people that do not judge you or others. Hang out with people who allow you to pick up your own shit. Hang out with people that want to encourage you to grow - be you - and have a program."

That's all for today. Keep the faith. Hope for Today. Faith in the future. We are ALL going to alright.

Increasing Our Dependence On Others

Dependence, Self-Reliance, Opinions of others, Focusing outside ourselves

In my recovery, looking back, I have seen how I increasingly depended upon others opinions and feelings about issues, and frankly about me. I fell into a trap. I was stuck. I did not know what to do.

Now, here comes my ego. I am - not a dependent person - as I say this (write this) - I wonder if this is really true. In my business life, I have run consulting organizations with 300 and 400 people nationally. BFD! BTW. (translated - it is BIG F Deal, by the way).

I write this only because I see how this disease has tricked me into thinking "I am less than." Hell - f' n - O. Is anyone home? My head went into overdrive, into thinking "I was wrong." My perceptions were right - but because the disease is so strong - I lost confidence to trust myself. So, I sought out the opinions of others - or worse - I worried about what others thought of me. My self-confidence was at an all time low.

Now, I am regaining ground.

With this disease, I want to write about what I read this morning. It comes from Ari Kiev - and it is not about alcoholism and its effects. But it is about dependence and self-reliance.

"The increase population and an apparent scarcity of the jobs, residences and rewards, which creates a vicious cycle of increasing dependence on the opinions of others. Stop accepting the necessity of obtaining the things you feel you must have. Th moment you begin to live below your means or at a level where you can maintain control over your life without economic dependency and insecurity, that moment you gain personal freedom.

Don't discuss your decisions to change with anyone who has an inclination to resist change. He will prove insensitive to our desire. Even listening to the "experts" may weaken your courage to act. This would attest only to your suggestibility; it would not mean that your original decision was invalid. Sounding out others for reassurance does not eliminate anxiety of decision-making. In fact, if you discuss crucial matter with unqualified people, you may create more anxiety and confusion for yourself. You have added their uncertainty to your own."

Interesting thought for me this morning. With alcoholism, I was more uncertain. Well-meaning people gave me advice. They gave me looks too, - that I interpreted as positive or negative and this made me more uncertain.

And now with the economy a little crazy right now, it is easy for us (me) to become more worried and more uncertain.

I need to remember:
Focus on myself
Control what I can control
Let go of what I cannot control
Turn over what I cannot to my Higher Power
And
Have Faith. Hope for today. Faith for tomorrow.

A Request From A Reader

The following request was made by a reader. Here is her question. Please add your thoughts as you feel appropriate.

Just a word to the person making this request for advice. None of us are qualified to provide any advice . . . We can give you examples and ideas of what actions you could take. However, I say this with caution - the advice is worth exactly as much as you paid for it. We are not in your shoes. We have no emotional attachment. And we can hardly understand your situation.

BUT . . . There ARE some things you can do, such as; "Keep the focus on you" and what you can do to set up "boundaries" and "detach with love" . . . .

Here is the request from a reader:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I need advice. My husband has been cutting back on his alcohol usage. It was causing great pain within our marriage. His father is an alcoholic and alcohol is the bond shared between the two whenever they get together.

My mother in law has chosen not to ever discuss the pain in her marriage to an alcoholic and I respect that. I have mentioned to her several times that my husband, her son, struggles with abusing alcohol. Sadly, she points at me as being far from perfect,end of talk. At our most recent family gathering I mentioned to her that our marriage was improving since we were actively taking measures to address the alcohol abuse and he'd agreed to cut back.

A month goes by and she calls my husband via his cellphone and invites him home to New York to spend quality time with his father in a BAR watching and Irish football game for the weekend. I am hurt by her attempts to separate my husband from his family in TX and place him in an environment that he's weakest in.

Anytime spent with his father always revolves around excess beer drinking. She didn't invite me or speak with me about this. I'm pretty sure she knows how I'd feel. I feel she's not respecting me and our children. We have 3. They need a healthy father. I hoped she'd support his efforts to cut back and not place a gun to his disease.

Any thoughts on how I should respond? I feel she's not being respectful of me. Please help.

Thx in advance and sorry this is so long.

A Downer Al-Anon Meeting? YOU Must Read This!!

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night. It was led by a very articulate person, a person who asked me to lunch several times and we talked about our "situations." He too, has/had the same situation I have. One child, and a wife drinks/drank - the divorce.

Anyway . . .

He read from "How Al-Anon Works" a section in the back about a man whose sons were drinking - teenagers - and how the man, the father, became better and "took back over" as head of the family and gave the two boys the ultimatum; "Stop drinking/smoking pot, or get out."

It reminded me that this month is the month that I started this blog. And where I was in my recovery a year ago.

A lot of people shared. It was rather emotional for some. There was crying because of certain family situations. And the reading prompted the words "detachment, letting go, and choices."

At the end of the meeting, the discussion leader, who is very strong and what I would consider serene and well into recovery, came up to me and another person at the end of the meeting, and apologized, saying he didn't mean for it to be a "downer of a meeting." I replied, "I thought it was a good meeting. There was a lot of sharing."

I was over talking to someone else, and again, this person who is strong in recovery, came over and said, "I am sorry about the meeting topic being a downer." I replied, again, "It was a good meeting. I didn't see it as a downer."

When I got home last night - I was thinking; "Why did he think it was a bad meeting? Was it because people were crying and expressing their hurts and pain and fear?"

Many times now, as I look back, I see this pattern of men, expressing how the meeting turned into a "bitch session" or how the person expressing pain was "whining." I am not sure if the women do this, but I have not heard them say anything like this.

Interesting.

Interesting how some feel that expressing pain or sorrow or hurt or fear or anger or some negative emotion may be bad.

My initial analysis is: I do the same thing as my friend does or did. I want to the meeting to be happy, joyous, serene.

And, I want people to think "Man, he is ze most brillllliannnt of all the people in zee vorld." (use the accent of some mad German scientist).

Yep. That's my disease kicking in.

I suspect, that his disease is similar.

My analysis (and this is my disease too - the analysis thing) is this; he was attached to the outcome. He was emotionally attached to a result. And not achieving the desired result he was hoping for, his ego got hold of him and perhaps, made him feel, well, "less than" what he desired.

You can almost hear the ego's voice saying, "See. You are not that brilliant. You were not uplifting. You are but still 'less than' others. You'll never make it." And on and on the ego goes, pulling you/him, forever downward.

As the ego grabs hold of this person's brain and spirals downward, I liken it to an alligator grabbing it's victim in a death roll, until the victim drowns.

What makes the meeting bad?

Answer: Our labeling of it as so. There ain't the Al-Anon Meeting Olympic Committee. No Olympic Judges reviewing us. Their ain't no judges from Russia screwing with the point system. It is only our labeling it as "bad" that makes it bad. Does this make sense?

Ponder this for a second. "It is only our labeling of something of 'bad' that makes it bad."

Oh - I can hear the arguments going off in the heads of the readers of this right now.

The argument is you ego trying to take control of you. It is trying to make you "right." Don't let it. Observe it though.

But back to the point about labeling it as bad. Next thing we do; we gather the facts or our interpretation of the facts to support our labeling of it as bad. We look for all the reasons to protect our label and make the label the correct label. In other words, we look for the reasons or facts that make it "bad" and support the label. Why? Because we want to be right. And the ego wants you to feel like shit.

However, what if . . .

What if crying at the meeting was a sign that it was a good meeting? What it bitching actually helped someone release pent up energy and negativity he or she could not otherwise express? Especially express somewhere else? Expression of bad shit happening in one's life is why Al-Anon is such as GREAT place - because - it's here that it is safe to do so.

And my friend . . .

Well, he gave everyone the key to unlock the door that behind the door was a bunch of crap to be let go and explored as it was thrown out into the middle of the circle to view for the first time out loud.

This is power. This is the power of these rooms. A safe place to feel. A safe place to express. A safe place to screw-up (if you label it as such). And "screwing up" is just a label. Who actually judges whether it is a screw-up or not? And if we all judge it as a screw-up - it does not make us "right."

Interesting.

To my friend I would say; You may want to explore your feeling about it being a "downer" of a meeting last night. Why do you think it was? And why does it make any difference if it really was?

And, me - I should explore why I feel compelled to point this out to him? I know the answer. I will admit I would like to print this post off and hand him this post for him to read.

My answer as to why:
1. I want to help him see his illness. In other words, I want to fix him. (Control)
2. I want him to see my brilllll-ant writing and have him recognize that; I am ze best in ze vorld. Supersmart.

My answer is my disease.

I have control over my disease. I will not print this off and show him.

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Restoring Ourselves to Sanity

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Restoring Ourselves to Sanity

If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting.

The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 5/9/08 and runs to Sunday 6/11/08 evening.

Note: To view this Post and the Comments at the same time, click on the link here ---> (click here). Or you can click on the title of this Post in order to get a better view of the Post and the Comments.

Here are some guidelines ---> Click for Guidelines. Bottom line; say what you want, when you want, as many times as you want, to whomever you want, about whatever you want. Cross-talk is allowed ("cross-talk" is talking to each other, not being "cross" to the other).

This is where we start:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is from the Al-Anon Pamphlet "Freedom from Despair"

Specialists in the field of alcoholism regard it not as a moral weakness or sin, but as a complex disease, perhaps part physical and part emotional. Alcoholics tend to be sensitive and emotionally immature, excessive in their demands on themselves as well as others. When they fail to live up to their own standards, they escape from reality by drinking. The habit leads to obsessive drinking, a compulsion so powerful that not even the threat of death or insanity seems to break it. One drink sets up an uncontrollable craving that only more drinking can appease.

. . . . The alcoholic needs encouragement and understanding whether drinking or sober. By detaching ourselves from the alcoholic's problems and concentrating restoring ourselves to serenity, we encourage the alcoholic to seek and keep sobriety.

Five Common Traits of Our Disease (Derived from the Al-Anon pamphlet, "Understanding Ourselves and Alcoholism"
{These are the key words/sentences and thoughts I pulled out]

We, too, can become ill.
We hide bottles. We search the house. All our thinking become directed at what the alcoholic is doing or not doing. This is our obsession.

Watching them slowly kill themselves . . . We worry about the bills, the children, the job . . . This is our anxiety

The alcoholic's behavior sooner or later makes us angry. He is telling us lies, not taking responsibilities, feel he doesn't love us (as parents and children) . . . This is our anger

We pretend things are alright. We hide how we feel. . . . This is our denial

Perhaps the most severe damage to us is the nagging belief that we are somehow at fault. We may feel we are not good enough, good-looking enough, clever enough for not having solved this problem . . . These are our feelings of guilt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

See if the five ways we are affected resonate with you. I know they do with me. I can even carry these behaviors to non-alcoholic environments, like work or friendships, or while being alone.

So this is where we comment!

My Recovery

Revised afternoon of Wednesday
As I recover, I am seeing how much I am dependent on another person's acceptance of me. I am beginning to see how much I try and have tried to gain this person's acceptance and try to have this person care for me. I see there is little caring about others in this addictive relationship, there is only the ego - or the will of this other person and the will to be seen by others outside the family as good and caring. It is an unfortunate situation this addiction and the need for both of us to have validation from others. In certain ways, in truth, I wanted her to get her validation from me, and that validation would be love and acceptance and recognition that I am a worthy and good person. My excuse could be, "that is what marriage is about, isn't it?"

I work hard. I do my best to be a good husband and my best as a good father. But I am not in a normal relationship. The addiction of my spouse has made me sick in a way. And that sickness was trying to gain acceptance and love she could not give. Now that I am gaining clarity, I am seeing more of the issue and how this is now affecting my daughter - our daughter - and how she is looking for acceptance and love. The issue of addiction is not understood by the layperson, the person outside the sphere of this addiction.

I am seeing that for the first time, how my gut is twisted when my wife, my qualifier, is not there for caring and compassion. And that the less she gave, the more I gave. The more I gave, the reciprocity of love and compassion and giving turned my caring into "caretaker" and no longer being caring. I kept on giving until the relationship was so lopsided that everything revolved around my qualifier.

Now I am trying to make sure that my daughter does not fall in the same cycle. This is a cycle of co-dependency and looking for love and acceptance from someone who may not be able to provide this in the normal way. This in turn could create an unnatural response creating the same cycle I got caught up in.

In reality, I think, if my qualifier recovers, the addiction may subside. But the addiction is so, soooo, powerful, that it takes over everything, like weeds in a garden, and eventually strangles every other plant and robs others of their nutrients. And we, the other flowers or plants, die of malnutrition or starvation of love and acceptance.

What an addictive cycle. The more we don't get or receive, the more we give. And the more we give, the more we expect. Still no change - we get no more, but we continue to give, expecting, hoping, needing, wanting, a return or reciprocal relationship.

The power of this addiction results in an out of balance family, with the focus and center of attention on the addict. A "normal" family is where both parents are working together and the center of attention is on the children -but not such that the children are given everything asked for, which breeds entitlements [my opinion].

We must stop by removing the addict and addiction from the center of our attention. This is the only thing we can do. So, to do this, we must focus on ourselves, focus on our children and allow the addict to, well, this might not sound compassionate, focus on whatever they tend to focus on, and not allow it to become any of our business.

Self-Esteem & Your Problems

In Al-Anon we learn to focus on ourselves. We learn that taking care of ourselves in not a selfish act in a negative way. That taking care of ourselves means we can become better and help others differently than the way we were taking care of others before Al-Anon.

I talk a lot about self-esteem in this blog. Self-esteem is about you feeling good about you. Or said another way, "I like myself, I truly like myself." Now try and say that 10 times a day before going off to work!

Say it! Repeat it in the shower! "I like myself. I like myself. I truly like myself!" This may feel uncomfortable at first. But after a while you will find that this really feels good. Say it in front of a mirror in the morning and you can't help but smile.

This little "trick" or "tool" really does work, by the way. Keep it simple as Al-Anon literature says. And this is really simple.

Let's get back to self-esteem and it's definition. I think you'll find these next section interesting, because it will provide insight into us and how we think or at least remind us, how we can think differently, if not better when we go forth into our day.

Our Problems
What if I told you, that, almost all our problems are a result, directly or indirectly of how "YOU feel about your SELF?"

It has been proven that you can never feel better than your own self-esteem. This means how you feel about yourself in relation to others, is based upon your level of self-acceptance. Here are a couple of thoughts around problems in our self-esteem;

• You hang around the people you feel worthy of hanging around.
• You do things for yourself less, when you don't feel good about yourself.
• You tend to replay negative events in your mind AFTER they already occurred if you are not feeling good about yourself.
• You tend to replay events negatively BEFORE they occur if you are not feeling good about yourself.
• You tend to put others feeling first, before or even at the sacrafice of your own needs.
• You tend to think how are other people going to react today or what are they going to think about this or that or you and them.

Interesting couple of bullet points. I am sure we can all relate to these. And I am sure there are some that are not there that may be playing in your head today or even right now.

But what if you just eliminated these thoughts? That's right. ELIMINATE them right now.

If you did, would your day be a little more peaceful? A little more calm?

Well, let's start with the, "I like myself" mantra this morning, and in fact, this mantra every day. Emile Coue - a French psychologist curing tuberculosis patients had his patients say, "Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better." He had all his patients say this over and over. Now I am not sure if he had them chant in unison or not (that was a little joke), but his patients got well faster than the other groups of patients.

So, if this worked for his patients, why not try "I like myself?" What have we got to lose? A few words spoken. Say it out loud with enthusiasm and you will gain a major impact. You may not want to say this in the elevator on the way to work this today. Or you may, because it might be interesting and entertaining to watch the reactions of others!

And let's start ELIMINATING the negative thoughts we have - starting with those in the bullet points above.

A Sick Cycle of Dependency

Being dependent on others almost comes natural when we are in a state of confusion. We seek others opinions, beliefs, and advice. What others say, if we place them in a position of authority, becomes "The Word." Unfortunately, the advice and opinion of the other person, is really a form of "approval" that we seek. The "approval" we seek is not healthy for the relationship. It forms a relationship of "one up and one down" (someone higher or a "step above" us).

Doing Too Much To Cover Up Our Needs
Unfortunately, no one can really give you advice as a prescription to your situation. Because no one really knows you, and knows ALL your history, and you ENTIRE situation. But because of alcoholism or in fact, anything that may be creating a huge amount of anxiety, can place us in a state of confusion.

So, instead of quieting our minds, seeking guidance from our inner strengths, and just listening, we tend to do the opposite. We run around keeping ourselves busy. We do for others. We then do more for others. We then do even more. We avoid and bury our feelings and we don't confront the fact that we are "stuck" or "have to make a decision." It becomes a way to procrastinate and avoid unpleasant situations.

Our "doing" becomes extreme - after awhile. We get so caught up in doing that we exhaust ourselves. Our "doing" is a way of avoiding an unpleasant situation at first. We then make the doing a habit. This doing mistakenly becomes a way in which we seek approval and validation from others instead of from ourselves.

By doing for everyone else, we set ourselves up for failure. We are in such a state of turmoil, we begin to believe our self-worth is relative to the amount we do for others AND we seek their approbation (approval). When we don't receive their approbation, we do more AND / or we feel "unworthy" or we feel "insignificant."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Note About Children
I need to emphasize here that I am not saying, don't help our children. But I am also saying, don't not expect children to help out and do for themselves what they should be doing. When we do for our children what they should and could be doing and ought to be doing, we actually ROB them of their ability to GROW up to become fully functional adults.

We have 21-year-olds in this society of ours who EXPECT to be given things. And when they don't get, they sulk. We have 40-year-olds who are also the same way. Often, these are our alcoholic relatives of whom nothing has been expected, and therefore they return exactly that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seeking Approval By Seeking Advice
We then go to others for outside advice - on how we could be better at what we are doing. And unfortunately, the people who we are doing for, the people we are running around for - are the same people we go to for advice!!

And because we have set ourselves up in a relationship where we are "not as important" as the other person, their advice really is a form of approval - a form of acceptance - a form of validation - that we feel we need to have.

Does that make sense what I have written? Stop and think here for just a second and reflect on this.

The same people who we are doing for, supporting and doing what they should be doing for themselves, we wind up wanting their approval and validation. When we don't get it, often we seek their advice. This advice may not come in the form of advice or at least good advice, it may come in the form of criticism. Some may call it "constructive criticism" in order to put a veil on it.

We start by asking them, "Tell me what I should be doing?" Or "How can I do this better?" Or "I want to help. Tell me what would make you happy?" And of course we never make them happy.

Just think about that for a while today. Isn't this sick?

Realize this fact. Advice is everywhere, most of it is free and not worth the price. When we don't get their "advice" or their "approval" we are creating a cycle of dependency. It is a sick cycle.

Start by Stopping
The best place to start - to help you and get you on the right track, is to stop doing for others, and start taking time out for yourself.

Stop seeking the approbation of others. You don't need it. You are already a worthwhile person. You ARE good. You ARE strong. YOU ARE GREAT.

Remember, you are great. It's only WHAT you may be DOING, that may not be so hot. In this case, when youare doing only because you are seeking the approval of others, this is not such a great idea. When you know you are OKAY (a good and worthwhile person), you will tend to see yourself and your actions differently.

Reflect on your actions. Start by asking yourself - "Is this something I should be doing? Or is this something others could and should be doing?" And ask yourself, "Am I doing this (or asking this questions or advice) in order to seek the approval and validation of my worth from this person?" The purpose of these questions is not to have you stop doing these things, it is to get you to understand why you are doing them, and then decide if this is something you want to take on.

Take Time Out By Doing Nothing (or the Opposite)
Sometimes, the best thing to do is - NOTHING. It is the opposite of what our lives have been for months and years. The idea of doing NOTHING is so foreign that it is impossible for some of us to grasp.

Doing nothing is not what you may think. Doing nothing doesn't necessarily mean going to the beach and sitting there and watching the waves come in. Although, it could!!!

To me it means, stopping what I am doing and doing something for ME.

• It may mean getting up at 4:30AM and reading spiritual books, leadership books, or something positive.
• It means to me, now, finding an Al-Anon meeting and sitting there, breathing deeply and listening. Al-Anon has become a source of quieting my mind.
• It means to me, going running in the middle of the day.
• It means to me, that when in a business meeting, I do not need to take over and lead the discussion. It may mean I sit in the meeting, taking notes, and reflecting and watching, and seeing that things turn out the way I would have it turn out anyway.
• It means to me, taking timeout to do something with my daughter, that I wouldn't do, because I am too busy to do that at that moment.
• To me, doing nothing, may mean meditating. Or taking a nap.

It could mean to you, the above or something else. But doing nothing - can be - doing just the opposite of what you "normally" would do, but most of all, doing nothing and doing the opposite is a "focus on yourself" and not someone else.

This post, started off on the topic of being dependent and seeking the advice of others. I am suggesting that we slow down, and start thinking about who we are and what we are doing. And ultimately stop doing so much for others and start doing for ourselves. And accept ourselves as worthy and worthwhile individuals.

Control

Through Al-Anon we have learned that we cannot control it, did not cause it, nor can we cure it. The "it" of course is alcoholism. It is a "cunning, baffling and powerful disease." This is from psychologists and therapists who have actual experience in dealing with it.

So today I want to talk about "control."

Control. We need it in order for our lives to function. We need order. There is order in the universe. Nature is order. You have the four seasons. Day follows night. Time ticks away, one second, one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month, one year - always. This is "order."

So when we have chaos, our natural tendency is to bring it back to order. We have to "fix" it. Whatever "it" is. With alcoholism fixing does not work. It makes more chaos. This is why it is a "baffling" disease. Fixing it through control from us - actually brings more disorder. It brings dysfunction to our lives and the lives of our children.

I read this in a passage somewhere, and thought "Wow. This is Zen-like." It really fits our predicament. It is thought proking and powerful. I have used this to remind myself of how I need to adject. Please ponder this for a moment:

"Whenever we try to control, we are actually being controlled."

We may be controlled by the chaos. Or the person who is causing the chaos. And we respond or are "controlled" by fixing it. This is okay in some cases. But with children, if we do this all the time, we provide the child a sense of "helplessness." We may be programming their minds that maybe they cannot do it themselves. And later in life, they may not function in society very well.

The same is true with the alcoholic. Except the alcoholic may "allow" us to do some things for him or her. Then we fall into co-dependence.

As we try to fix or control the alcoholic, and it does not work, we try harder. When we try harder and it still does not work, we can become angry and frustrated. This frustration maybe taken out on the wrong people. These people are people at work, our children, our neighbors, people in the car next to us, people in the grocery line - you get the picture. In addition, we beat ourselves up. We turn our anger inward.

After awhile we can begin to feel powerless. And perhaps this leads us to look for things outside ourselves to fill our void. Perhaps, we do nothing. We may slip into depression, isolation, or we, ourselves, get this "learned helplessness."

When we focus on controlling things outside our orbit (stand-up, hold your arms out - and spin once - that's your orbit), we actually lose power. We are trying to control things we cannot control. We cannot change things outside our orbit.

My message for today: Focus on controlling the things we can control. As in the serenity prayer,

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Enabling.

This weekend's On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Enabling.

If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting. The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 3/7/08 and runs to Sunday 3/9/08 evening.

A Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

Our host for this weekend is me. I am one of my favorite people and yet at the same time, I am one of my harshest critics. I have had a tough time recently not knowing where my life will go, but I know that in my heart of hearts, that things always work out for the best.


This is where we start. I have posted the message below which will start our meeting on:

"Enabling"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am one of the most messed up on this subject. I thought I was helping all this time. Then I found out I was not only enabling, but I was also crossing boundaries by getting into other person is one of our regular visitors to this blog and provides a lot of good comments. She is encouraging and hopeful.

I find that enabling leads to codependence for us. How is this you might ask. Well, let's pretend you did ask. The answer dear reader is that we "help" so much, we become "needy" in that we need to help almost always. We offer to help and do for others, that which they should do for themselves.

People think this is great . . . . . . . . . that is, at first. Then it gets on their nerves. That is, if they are not an alcoholic or addict. It becomes, to the "normal" person, sort of, yucky. Like being too available. Too much "on."

So I am going to read from the Al-Anon approved literature, the book, "Hope for Today" from page 122;
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today I know I was the perfect enabler. My autocratic behavior deprived my husband of responsibility. I tried in vain to control him and to keep him "dry." Eventually I felt only hate and disgust toward my husband and alcohol. My life seemed totally worthless, and the I felt deprived of a shoulder to lean against, a safe place to cry.

Then I was led to Al-Anon. . . . "I learned I could not save him, but I could save myself. This was my chance to jump off the merry-go-round called denial before I slipped under it and was crushed.

I especially had to learn that my way of helping was not really helping. I had to do something differently. At Al-Anon meetings in my country, they call detachment letting off in love." I was unable to let him off in love. However, I decided I could let him fall gently.

That's what I did, and slowly my life started to feel worthwhile again. I began taking care of myself. I practice thinking positively by using the Steps and slogans. Prayer and mediation help me become balanced and content. . .."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I believe we as children of alcoholic, or spouses or friends can learn from this definition of enabling versus helping;

Enabling; "is doing something for someone, that they could, and should be doing themselves."

Whereas, Helping; "is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.

This spills not only over into enabling our alcoholic qualifier. But these behaviors manifest themselves in all of our relationships. You will see this behavior at work, with our children, with our boyfriends and girlfriends - past, present, and future.

By doing anything, and everything, makes us feel good at first. Our self-esteem becomes tied to this source of doing for people. But we begin to feel unappreciated over time. Why? Because by being "too there" - being "too available" - no one appreciates us because they become accustomed to our helping. And, frankly, people take advantage of us. They don't appreciate it, they just give us more to do and expect it from us. By allowing this to happen, we are sending signals, that we are not worth much, and we are allowing our boundaries to become trodden upon.

And this is all because by always doing for people, people do not value us. We become their personal lackey. This is due to the fact that a "new normal" has been set up in the relationship. The "new normal" is: You do. I do not.

When we stop helping, people are angry. People are not used to this "new selfishness" from us. And then guilt sets in. And, we sometimes give in, by continuing to do.

Some examples of enabling behaviors are:

1. Working regularly after hours at the office, by "helping" others, and they go home
2. Buying the alcoholic alcohol
3. Cleaning up after the alcoholic
4. Paying the alcoholic's bills (even the little ones)
5. Setting up appointments for the doctor's office for the alcoholic
6. Making the dinner, cleaning up after everyone, and washing the dishes and never eating because, that's "your role."
7. Picking up your kids, the neighbors kids and watching every one's children and no one returns the favor or says "yes" but acts like it's a real burden
8. Getting a good feeling when people ask you to do something you know you have to sacrifice time and other things you'd rather be doing
9. Getting angry/upset/slighted when someone asks someone else to do something, when you are perfectly able to it
10. Juggling 12 things, at the same time, and getting that rush

This is a good place to stop. Please provide ideas of how you have been brought up, or how you do too much, or how you are doing for people who should be doing it themselves.

My best to you this weekend.

The Law of Attraction & Al-Anon & AA

The Law of Attraction; How it applies to Al-Anon, Alcoholics, Addicts, codependents.

What if, we attracted into our lives, everything that we are experiencing in our lives right now? This may be, my most important blog post of all time. I hope I am able to convey my thoughts to you through this post.

The Law of Cause and Effect
There is in science, a law called; The Law of Cause and Effect also known as the Law of Causality. Most religions talk about this law. In the Christian religion, it is called many things, one of which you may recognize as the principle of Sowing and Reaping; "Whatever ye shall sow, so shall ye reap." (I am writing from memory, but that is it in essence).

What if our beliefs, the beliefs we picked up from early childhood, are working against us? What do I mean? What if you picked up a belief, through listening to your parents or a teacher in school, (or your religion, or whatever) that became so deeply seated and rooted in us, that we came to believe that this is a "normal way of thinking or behaving?" And, because of this fact, we never questioned it's validity? What if we don't even know we picked up the belief, because it is so deeply rooted in us, that it is on "automatic pilot" for us and is operating without us even being aware of it at the subconscious level?

My Discovery; One Thought and Quote That Turned My Life Around
On my discovery of self, and when I decided to change my world, I found this phrase. It turned my life around. By now, you've heard it a thousand times;

"You become what you think about."

This has been talked about through ALL religions. Buddha talked about it. It is in the Christian religion. It has been talked about by Aristotle, by Epictetus, by Ralph Waldo Emerson, and many others.

What if, you picked up "unworkable" beliefs? What if, you picked up "untrue beliefs" that you thought were true, but aren't?

I was able to successfully, turn my life around, and go from poverty to being some what, pretty successful, with this one idea. Now, I am not Donald Trump, by any means. But I am, and have been pretty fortunate.

I turned my work life, my financial life, around. I reprogrammed my thinking by reading every day and listening to audios when I jog, or drive. So, I worked on changing my thinking. I undid past programming. I reprogrammed in, new thinking and beliefs.

Where Did I Mess-Up?
Because I was poor as a child, I was determined to not be poor. But I had poor thoughts, not supporting me in my goal and aim to get out of poverty. These thought were holding me back. I thoughts that all business people were liars, and cheats. I thought, for anyone to become a success, they had to be a fake. I learned that these were the very thoughts that were holding me back - in business and my financial affairs.

While I turned my life around in business, I neglected reprogramming my mind around my personal "codependent upbringing." I never even heard of the word, "codependent" until a few months ago. If I did hear of the term, it never did register with me.

Al-Anon and How We Get Here
Now, at every Al-Anon meeting I attend, I see women and men, who were brought up in an alcoholic home, or a codependent home, and almost every one of us, married an alcoholic or an addict of some type.

You would think, we would have known better! We saw it and we said, "We are never going to live like this again." And sure enough, we did. We attracted and married, what was familiar to us. Someone we said we would not repeat. Unbelievable when you think about it. Are we nuts? Are we crazy? In one sense, maybe.

The Disease - A Family Disease
The reason for this is, I believe, is the cycle of the disease. Is it so strong, that we actually attract people? That we, as codependents, HAVE to find someone we HAVE to take care of? At

Al-Anon, men and women alike talk about this phenomenon openly. The senior members talk about how they can attract the wrong person across a crowded room. Some men have divorced their first wife, only to remarry to another alcoholic. And there are some men, that divorce the the second time, to remarry, someone who isn't an alcoholic, but a person who needs someone to be taken care (the men learned the second time to check to see if they drank, but didn't check their heads).

What unworkable belief do we have to shed to get rid of this? I am not sure. But it starts with being aware of this Law of Attraction. It starts with understanding this Law of Causality or Law of Cause and Effect. It is also know as "Self-Fulfilling Prophecy."

If You Still Don't Believe It
The Law of Self-Fulfilling Prophecy is my favorite law or phenomenon. Allow me to give you an example that you will probably relate to:

• How many times have you learned the definition of a word you've never heard before, and then all of a sudden you see the word or hear the word that same day, several times?
• Or, when you were looking at buying a car, and all of a sudden you buy it, and you see the same exact car all over town?

We all have had the experience. Was the word never there before?

Or was the word there, but we didn't recognize it?

My Final Thought
How do we stop this cycle of addiction and attraction? What about our children? What are they see and hearing from us that they too, will pick up the traits of us, as the mother or father? How do we stop passing down these behaviors of codependence or alcoholism to children?

The argument may be made that alcoholism is hereditary. I am not so sure. I admit, there are strong pieces of evidence that this may be true.

But what about codependence? There is no correlation of a codependent gene or broken synaptic nerves in the brain.

Can We Break This Cycle?
Yes. I believe so. And I think it starts with us. By recognizing that we have old, deep seated beliefs in us, that aren't working and aren't helpful. And because they are programmed into our subconscious, they operate on auto-pilot. We react the same way. We do the same thing. We like the same people. And so on.

So, the first step is recognizing the pattern. Second step is reprogramming ourselves. Buy the books (Al-Anon, or other self help books on codependency or self help). Attend AA and Al-Anon, you will be absolutely impressed when you go in to these meetings now with this recognition. Then get a sponsor. My sponsor saved me several times over the past two months from repeating old behaviors that didn't work and helping me see this fact and helping me reprogram my self. This was something I did not believe ANYONE could help me with. Another is see a therapist who deals in alcohol abuse and knows Al-Anon.

A great book I have mentioned over and over is this book Beyond Positive Thinking, by Robert Anthony. He devotes the first three chapters explaining this and the remaining chapters on how to break it or reprogram yourself. He also talks about a Higher Self (aka Higher Power) and tapping into this source for help and guidance.

This is, my most important post.

My best for you today and the rest of your lives.

What Is Enabling

What is enabling? For addressing alcoholism and addiction, for the codependent, Al-Anon members. For spouses and parents of addicts. For the alcoholic, as well

Lessons Learned: We all do it. A great way to recognize you are doing it. How to learn to stop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What Is Enabling?
Let's start with the definition of "enabling" first:

"Enabling is doing something for someone, that they could, and should be doing themselves."

This definition came from the Family Meeting last night. It is a "classic" definition. I looked it up on the internet this morning. I heard this definition many times before at these Wednesday night meetings. The difference last night was - I carried a notebook and I wrote the definition down. I know the people in the room thought I was nuts (Nuts for the notebook this time. The newcomers couldn't tell if I was nuts, because I didn't talk. I think they thought I was a spy. I just want to accelerate my learning. And spy. And steal good ideas.)

I asked the difference between the "fine line" between "enabling" and "helping."

And actually there is not a fine line. The difference is very clear.

First note the emphasis on the word "should" in the definition above.

Here is the definition of the word "helping";

Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.

Note the emphasis on the words, "not capable."

Is This Cruel?
We are so used to helping people we are now confused what the difference is between enabling and providing this help. This is so sad. So many of us sat around that circle last night helping our spouses and children for so long, that it seemed so natural, that when we talked about stopping, some people talked about how this might be cruel. This word cruel did not come up. It was right under the surface of the conversation however.

I believe, that it is more cruel to allow a child to grow up not knowing what responsibility is and not taking it. Responsibility is almost the flip side of enabling - at least in my eyes. Without taking and wanting responsibility and being accountable for their decisions, some children never grow up. That is cruel, at least in my mind.

We don't want our children to fail or get hurt. Of course. Who does?

But what if you kept on helping your child to try to walk when they were two years old. What if you enabled them to get around and not allow them to stand because they might fall? And therefore never learned to stand and walk because of your fear of them falling?

What About Us? What About Our Adults?
We often try to "help" alcoholics. These times of "help" are actually "enabling" (look at the definition again). We make it easier for them to continue down their path of self-destruction and eventual death because we don't allow them to fail.

So they don't feel the consequences of their actions (another key word, this consequences). So, as time goes on they expect you to help them. They have fallen into a habit pattern of relying on others, coaxing others, decieving others, charming others, just to get the "help" to get by. in the progression of the disease. They have learned charm and lying to get what they want. Action/behavior ---> Reward. Pavlov's dog salivating right here. Cause, effect.

Consequences (By the way, can be positive and negative, not just negative)
Just when we think we are being good samaritans, good parents, good spouses, someone comes along ans says, "You are not helping you are actually hurting."

The disease of alcoholism is baffling, cunning and powerful. Don't forget it. And don't for a minute think that alcoholism is just the alcoholic's disease. Alcoholism is the disease of the entire family.

Enabling, which takes many forms, all of which have the same effect; It allows the alcoholic to avoid the pain and problems (the consequences) of their actions. By avoiding pain, why stop? There is nothing wrong with this behavior, so the thinking of the alcoholic goes. No matter how small of large they screw up, someone is there to bail them out.

There is not learning from his or her mistakes.

And, if you are a student of human growth, we learn more from our mistakes than we do from our successes.


Why do we do this?

1. We fall into the habit slowly. The slow-boil analogy. Doing it a little bit at a time, every day, for years.
2. We also learn it from our parents, who learned it from their parents, who . . . . It has become a normal way of life.
3. We want to help!
4. We get lied to. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice . . .
5. "We'll do this, just this once . . . " (or so we say)
6. "It's only a small thing, it's just gas money." (or money for food, a pizza, a dentist, etc.)

In the Office? Or At Home. It's Still The Same:

By the way, we carry these habits into our office. We help. Or we enable. Next thing we know is we are in the office late and everyone else has gone home. And here we are doing someone else's work, while they are eating dinner with their family or at the ball game watching their son play, while we are missing ours. Does this sound familiar?

See codependency - click here

Our Addiction as a Spouse

What is our addiction as a spouse of an alcoholic? Or as a parent? Is codependency and our need for acceptance an addiction? Are wanting something we can't have? And we just keep on keeping on, thinking we will get it?

I wrote these words AFTER I read the passage below.

I picked up an old book by Dr. Robert Anthony. I am getting ready to fly out of town today. So I am gathering up my usual four or five books I think I need to read (never really reading or needing them all. But the books are my friends and I think I may need to talk to them and have them talk to me.)

Anyway I pick up this book. I open it up and it jumped to this page (page 80). The words on the page went right to my eyeballs. The words were looking for me. Weird. How did the book open to this page and my eyes went to these words. Or the words go to my eyes?

Page 80
"In dealing with your more subtle addictions, such as an addiction to having a certain person near you or loving you, remember: The pain you wish to get rid of is the pain you feel when that person is not present or is failing to meet your expectations. Don't make the mistake of thinking you are addicted to the person. Your addiciton is composed of your expectations of how that person should be and your expectations of having them near you and supportive of you."

A Phone Call

Update 5:50PM Wednesday evening. Just left client's office. SLIGHTLY Revised

I am going to another meeting. It is my wife's Outpatient Rehab Program- it's Wednesday, so it's family night. My wife has never attended this family night program. I have. I have attended this religiously - every single Wednesday including the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and the Wednesday right after New Year's Day.

It's been about 12 weeks of Wednesday night meetings.
But it's supposed to be Family Night.
Where is your wife Joe?
She is MIA.
Why is this Joe?
I am not sure Sherlock. Why don't you answer that question?
May be she's too busy?
Nope. She doesn't cook Sherlock. We also have babysitters. (Not for us to go out however)
Geez, Joe what's it mean?

Duh.

Why am I here? Alone? Again? Because I am an idiot. Maybe not. Maybe I want to get some guidance. Yep. That's it. Truly I do. But I do stick out like a sore thumb. No spouse. No body.

Anyway, so back at the ranch . . .
I received a phone call from her best friend today. She said, "So Joe, what's been going on? How are things going?"

I let her know what I thought. I told her somethings, that my wife had told her, but had subtley distorted to make me look like the bad guy. I should just say, "She lied." Subtley distorted, bull. I told her a different story that suddenly made sense to her. She didn't want to hear the truth and had to go - the phone was ringing from her children's school. Yeah right. The truth is hard to find wrong. Funny thing, that my wife was drinking a few weeks ago. But she forgot to mention that she picked up our 10 year old daughter and dog and drove her down to the store hitting curbs and sending dog across the car after making wild turns.

I could tell she was sniffing around. I guess someone reading this would say, "Sniffing around? Duh. Of course she was." Is this true? You think?

At the Family Meeting . . .
I am going to state how I feel tonight. I will not be labeled or made to feel bad or guilty. But i am not sure how I feel. I just want to leave - move on. Except I have a 10 year old.

See you later.

Blame & Anger & Codependency - The Root Cause?

Blame.
What a word..."Blame." Often we look for "Who did this?" (who is to blame?)

For example: We are missing our favorite book. It is misplaced. "It was right on the table last night. Now it is gone. " And the more direct: "Who took it? Did you take it?"

Or for example: We are looking for our keys. "I left them right here on the kitchen counter. Have you seen them?"

The words put together in a sentence have the tone of accusation, apportioning blame, and looking for the guilty party. We sound accusatory. [note to myself; YIKES! I can relate to this right away. Then you find it. You remember you put it over there last night. And you are a big dummy. No one moved it. No one did it to you.]

Or the example: You feel like no one cared about your feelings. They made you wait. "How could they?" You feel this. You don't necessarily say it. You project it though. Others feel it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blame. It can be a way to start an argument. It can be the beginning of making others feel bad. It can be a way of starting a small conflict, a large war - all with a disastrous outcome.

Blame. What if you and I eliminated blame from our lives? What if Just For Today, you didn't look for anyone to blame. How would that feel? What would your day look like?

At the root of almost all negative emotions, is the word and feeling of blame. They did it to me. The republicans did it. The democrats are going to do it. The rich are to blame. The boss said this. He did that.

What if, no one, absolutely no one, did anything, to You? Today? Right now? From now on?

What if, YOU decided, that no matter what happened, you were not going to evaluate or judge anything, as "good" or "bad." I can tell you, my best days were when I did not evaluate or judge anyone or anything as good or bad, especially when I felt someone was saying something "negative" to me or doing something to "hurt" me.
It was a day of serenity. I felt empowered. I felt in control of my feelings and my thoughts. And I really, and I mean really felt good. It almost felt angelic. [Note: I am not saying "be a push over" or allow anyone to abuse me or you. But reread this passage again. It is the small stuff that winds up setting our moods, for the most part.]


Just for Today - I am not going to evaluate anyone or anything as good or bad. And therefore, this will help me keep from apportioning blame on anyone.

Just for Today - I am eliminating blame from my thinking and reacting

Just for Today - I am going to reread this post tomorrow too. And do this exercise.

PS - Please join me next week for a special on What is Al-Anon? And How Can It Help You? See my Post Here: A Special Invitation (click on this link)

Diffuse Anger and Codependency - "Save Yourself" Part 3

Diffuse Anger and Codependency - "Save Yourself" Part 3. This is a multi-part series. See the posts on the lower right hand side. You can search by date or by the label. Under label look for Anger or Codependency.

Anger serves no purpose. We need to remember "character" and its development. We are here to serve a purpose, a greater good.

If you are unsure of this - yet - the best thing - in my opinion is to develop character. Character to me is; integrity, goodness, a centeredness, living in honor. It means to me, not to judge others.

I notice when I force myself to think about not judging and evaluating, I find myself more peaceful. I do not evaluate who is good, bad or wrong or right - when I am in the "zone" of being noble, of developing my character. Right now some of us want this "inner peace," but are having difficulty with anger, frustration and losing our cool. (See note below, if you are being abused)

How Do We Get Over Anger? Or Keep From Losing Our Cool?

1. First and foremost, you must believe you should eliminate it. Then do not allow it to occur and build that path that was discussed in Part 2 (click here).
2. Second, do not feel guilty for the alcoholic's life or behavior. You have not caused it and you cannot control it. And you cannot fix it. Guilt serves no purpose either. Guilt as defined by me, is anger inner directed.
3. Breath. Say the word out loud; "Breath". Take a huge, deep breath.
4. Walk away. As Stephen Covey says in Principle Centered Leadership, "Step out of all poisonous orbits." Walk away. Do not engage. Disengage.
5. Smile. Fake the smile. As stupid and ignorant as this sounds, it works! It worked for me earlier this week.
6. Also, listen to your tone of voice! Talk in a sing-song voice. Your tone is a dead give away. Now, I might of looked and sounded a little nuts, but it made for an uncomfortable position to be in for my spouse as I was being baited and my buttons were being pushed, and all she heard was a happy person. Also, action and behavior - even faked - can change your current thoughts and feelings. Go to a smile and pretend you are happy. In a matter of minutes you are happy! This does work. It worked so well this past week - I cannot believe it.
7. Don't take the bait. You will be baited. Go back to numbers 4, 5 and 6!!!!
8. Sleep. You need and must get 7 to 8 hours sleep. Lack of sleep causes you to react improperly. You are more irritable. SLEEEEEP!!!
9. Do not blame others or your spouse or qualifier (the addict in your life). Blame is related to be right and righteous. You don't need to be right and have to prove you are right to anyone - ever! And don't make this statement to another person, because when you do, you are proving you are right - again.
10. Eat right. When we don't eat, we are hungry. This makes us irritable. Eating too much, makes us feel guilty, stuffed, and we become - irritable (again). Also, in times of stress we can have irritable bowel syndrome. This is a big problem for men and especially women of a spouses and children of addicts. It makes us feel bloated and uncomfortable. For more on irritable bowel syndrome click here. Eat foods high in fiber. Sorry about this folks. But many of you are eating cheeses and crud. Fiber - I found the cereal Kashi - Go Lean to help here. Again, sorry about this one. But it is a very common ailment with spouses of alcoholics
11. Keep a journal on your anger triggers; use the following headings across the top of your journal; Time of Day ; Trigger (cause) ; Scale (intensity 1 - 10) ; Duration ; What I did - My Reaction (i.e. I yelled about ... I tensed up ...etc). Keep the journal for 21 days. If this is too long for you, then do it for seven (7) days. Look for patterns. You will find triggers and patterns. They will be people; they will be slight remarks you take as rude; you see motorists cutting you off; you will see things that are not personal or not aimed at you as a person and your self-worth, but you take it personally.
12. Stop watching the news at night before bed or first thing in the morning. Also, stop reading the paper. Stop altogether. Or if your job requires you to read the paper, depersonalize it.
    Substitute negative for positive; Read and watch inspirational movies and books. This leads to living at the top of Maslow's Self Actualization hierarchy. This really works! It fills you with hope and eliminates your despair.
13. Create a repertoire of reactions that are pleasant when faced with anger or when anger is directed at you. For example, say "I am sorry." Or even better, "I apologize." Saying you're sorry is not accepting blame or about being weak. Only the strong can apologize. Weak people are too filled with blame to apologize. They see these as one in the same. Say, "I apologize. I must have said something or did something that came across in the wrong way. Please accept my apology." This takes the wind out of most people's sails. And stops anger in its tracks. Another may be, "This must be a tough day for you." Saying this in a compassionate way and not a condescending way is the difference. Come up with your own and practice these. You will be surprised at the difference in the reaction. A repertoire of reactions, and making them your habit, keeps you from falling into the trap of anger.
14. Remember, anger is about going down the scale of humanity, not up. Love is up. Hate and anger are down.
15. Remember your mother's advice; "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything."
16. Take Thomas Jefferson's advice; "When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred."

Here is some more advice:

• You don't have to do all of these.
• Pick and chose.
• Remember: Crawl before walking. Walk before running. Run before the Olympics.
• Pick and chose. (Again). There are some things that are easier. Journaling might be your thing. Do that then. Writing out pithy reactions (number 13)
• We can all try smiling!! And talking in a positive voice.
• Fake it 'til you make it.
• Remember, this is not for anyone else, but YOU. You may feel "Why should I change my behavior for them??? Well, it's not for THEM silly. It's for YOU!!!!

[Note to you: Abuse is not to be tolerated. Directed at you or your children. That is not what I am talking about here. If this is your case, report it. If you are unsure there are crisis centers who can help guide you.]

Happy Holidays - and a note to myself

Happy Holidays. I want to thank everyone for their kind words over the past few weeks.

Also - a note to myself. When I am around people who may blame me or who may bait me because of my spouse's drinking - or - her problem, I will smile, I will say in a "sing-song" cheerey voice;

"I understand your feelings. I wish you the best. Merry Christmas to you and your family."

I will not engage. I will smile and kill'em with kindness!

The Codependency Anger Cycle - A Treadmill To Hell

As part of this series I have created what I call the "Cycle of Codependency and Anger" (below). It is a cycle linked to that of a treadmill. As codependents we "express" our transgressions in manners that can be unhealthy. Our outburst of anger feels "righteous" and our outburst is filled with "justice."

However, this "justice" and "righteousness" is only from our perspective. It is seen through the lens from which we are seeing the world.

Unfortunately, our world has become distorted. It is a sad world. No one knows the hurt, the shame and the trepasses we have endured in living with an alcoholic. The deceit and the lies and the feeling of guilt does hurt. Still - our world is not normal. Don't make it less normal!

With all that said, look at this diagram. Our lashing out, screaming, resorting to manipulation, and coercian has no affect on the alcoholic. As a friend told me, "It rolls off the alcoholic like water off a duck's back." And he is an attorney who has a friend he tried to "talk out of being an alcoholic." It just doesn't work. Same is said for trying to "get even" with the alcoholic.

You and I vent. It feels good . . . for a moment. Then we feel guilty! Look below and see if you can relate.

Then read my post - Part 2 on Codependency and Anger written this morning.