Fear - Mastery of,

This morning I am reminded that fear resides not outside me, but inside me. Fear is my reaction to my thoughts. Or my thinking about my thoughts of what "could be happening" or "could happen," but not necessarily what is happening.

The solution, I read, is not eliminating fear, but transcending fear.

Trying to eliminate fear is a trap. Trying to suppress my responses is also a trap. I need to become detached as an on-looker is; unbiased, non-judgmental, non-emotional, as if I were floating above the event watching it unfold.

Can I do this? How can I remember to do this?

Just In: What I Don't Do

Just In: In Al-Anon I learn to give up control of others, events and other things "outside my circle."

This morning I am reading an interesting thought that I want to share. Here it is:

In time you may realize that your impact on the world often derives not from what you do but from what you don't do.

I like this thought. I am going to sit with it. I do a sort of "inventory" when I have something I must do or when I am reacting to something. I ask; "Will this help - that is - if I do something, will this make matters better? Or is my ego trying to make me react because I fear losing something or feeling 'less than'?"

What I don't do may make more of a positive difference in my personal and professional life. Strike "may" and replace with "probably."

Here is a poem I read and think about. I heard it from a Canadian - now a US citizen - named Brian Tracy.

The third - is it "stanza?" - or "verse?" - is less known.

I have this somewhat memorized - especially the second verse, beginning with - "Life is queer with it's twists and turns . . ." This rings true for me. It reminds me that things that seem bad now - are not really bad in the long run. In fact, they turn out to be good.

The poem has gotten me through some tough parts of life. I opened up on of my repeatable journals - books where I copy text and make notes of certain books I like and reread them - and saw this poem this morning.

It made me feel good. Read this, print it out and post it on your refrigerator or in your journal. I think you may be able to use this.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As everyone of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up, though the pace seems slow -

You might succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man,

Often the struggler has given up

When he might have captured the victor's cup.

And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out

- The silver tint of the clouds of doubt -

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -

It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

- Author Unknown -

Accepting

Accepting where you are right now.

Accepting to me used to mean - giving up, giving in, or saying, "What's the use?"

Accepting means to me today, I am happy and satisfied with what I am, what I have and living now in the present. What a change. A word that had such a negative connotation to being a word that is positive and fulfilling.

If I can accept - and not crave or desire for what ought to be, I am a much happier person. I don't compare, judge, evaluate, or wish for something different.

Just for Today: Try to accept where you are, what you have and not wish for something to be different. Even better, try not wishing for someone else to be different.

Friday's Lesson (For Me)

I had a tough event the other day. We had a divorce event - the deposition of my wife.

It was - in a word - horrible. The grilling that came about from the lying, made the event much longer.

I had a headache during and after the event, because I am an Al-Anoner. I felt for her. I empathized. I wanted to "rescue" her. Just tell the truth and this wouldn't take so long.

The next day I was called an SOB by the wife.

I wanted to reach out talk to her, tell her I was sorry. I wanted to scold my lawyer. I wanted to get everyone happy again. Sounds ridiculous of course.

Fortunately my sponsor answered my call. He was shopping at the grocery store (he is a stay at home dad). It was about 9AM. He was somewhere in the cereal aisle.

I told him about my wanting to fix. I was "jumping around in the squirrel cage," he said. Beautiful observation.

He also said, "This is a disease of arguments." Also beautiful. It sure is.

He also said, "I heard the other night, "I bought this frame, now if I could only get this picture to fit." Hmmm. Interesting. Yep. I have this filter or lens of how I see the world and I want the world to fit my point of view.

He said, "Joe, write out on paper everything you feel in unmanageable. Everything from your attorney's fees, your wife's feelings, your wife's calling you an SOB, to your daughter's saying she hates you, and everything else. And you can put it in your God box or shred it or whatever. Just write it down and get it out of your head."

Simple instruction. Simple action. There was resistance from my ego which said, "Don't write it down or else I will have nothing else to obsess about." Yep. I wrote it down. It was virtually gone from my mind. And I was able to clear the wanting to call everyone and "make it right."

Today I am grateful. I have a program. I have a sponsor. I am very lucky.

Making Our Decisions

I am reading several books from Ari Kiev. They are old for sure, but they are filled with principles on how to live life for the better. I had to order these books off Abebooks.com, a place where you can find out of print books and search used book sellers around the country.

Here is something that I read this morning. It is derived from one of Kiev's books, a letter to teenager growing up. We may have missed some of this advice, as I know I have, and I am not blaming my parents as I say this, they did the best they could, under the circumstances.

The reading from one of the chapters is about making our own decisions.

First, try to experiment with the word "no." Try saying it to someone to whom you typically respond with a "yes." One woman in an Al-Anon meeting said she repeated the word "no" over and over again, so she could get comfortable with it coming from her mouth. Strange, I thought at first. But a second later, perhaps, I thought, brilliant.

Second, try cancelling an appointment or postponing a meeting.

Third, try refusing some food at the table, like bread. Ask the waiter, to remove the bread when dining out. Bread is one of my big favorites. Send it back? Will it hurt the other person's feelings? We are people pleasers aren't we Joseph?

Fourth, when someone wants to borrow something, say "no." I am going into cardiac arrest here. I have shortness of breath.

Fifth, quit solving others problems. Yesterday, a woman I work with needed a pen for she could not find one for the con call she was on and needed to take notes. So what did I do? I gave her my expensive, rare pen. She held onto it through out the call. I, on the other hand, was without a pen. Duh?! Could I be any more accommodating?????

On all of the above, don't offer an explanation.

WOW! When I write this, it seems like I am being, well, an ass if I do this. YIKERS! Am I trying to find affection by being accommodating at my expense?

Remember - this is just an exercise. I think if you can lend someone something, and they really need it, maybe, perhaps, um, er, I am faltering here, provide it to them?!

But, maybe, without an expectation of being loved, or this being reciprocated.

How hard this is going to be for ME!

Our Pain

Eckhart Tolle and his book "A New Earth" can, I believe, help us in our recovery. However, I want to point out that Al-Anon approved literature is critically important to our recovery. One of the reasons to use and read and discuss Al-Anon approved literature is because it relates directly to our situation of dealing with our qualifiers who have addictions and specifically, alcohol. Secondly, it keeps us all from introducing new material that dilutes that material everyone else is reading which can make our lives even more confusing and - what we need least of all - more chaos.

However . . .

Today and probably a few more posts, I am going to refer to this book by Eckhart Tolle, "A New Earth." and hopefully provide some thoughts I what I have found to be interesting and helpful, at least to me.

The book talks about our pain (referred to as "pain-body"). That this is a negative emotion that could be picked up from our childhood, or from a collective group unconsciousness (such as Native American Indians and their treatment by early European settlers - this is not meant to be a political statement or argument, but just to be used to provide an example).

Often, we do not see this pain-body or pain we have suffered. And we have not dealt with it in a manner that corrects or least resolves it. The pain we keep and feel is fed by our thoughts.

It is only by being conscious in the present that we can relieve this pain. By thinking about the past, and dredging up the problem, we feed the pain. We need to figure out how to stay focused in the present. By thinking about the future, we also feed the pain. It gets larger and larger as we allow our minds to worry (think about the past and the future).

It is hard to worry if you are staying in the present with your thoughts. I - personally - am a big violator of this message. And it has only been through Al-Anon that I learned the pain I am suffering is because thinking about and visualizing the future. I sometimes grieve and pull up the past, and say, unconsciously, "if only."

Back to the book . . .

The pain-body can no longer control your thinking if you don't identify with it and can no longer control your thinking and therefore your emotions. This is a huge task for us to work on.

If you - we - can sever the link between it (the pain-body) and your thinking, the pain-body loses its energy. Your thinking ceases to be clouded by emotions; your present perceptions are no longer distorted by the past. The past can be made up of the real suffering we experienced, as well as the imagined suffering caused by playing the negative event(s) over and over again in our minds. This replaying of negative events has fed the pain-body and has kept us from living the joyful life we were meant to live out.

Now this may be easier for some. Because we are in circumstances currently that overwhelms us in an alcoholic environment. We seek answers and control over a situation we are not in control of. We tell ourselves that if we "let go" that we are not doing our duty to help the other person. And we learn - but hate to hear - we cannot fix another person's addiction.

For others, who are not living in the alcoholic environment, we are still affected by it. We are "sensitized" to stimuli that conjures up the past. Or, we think about the past. Or we react, reflexively as if the past was occurring all over again.

How do we recover?
Well, one way, as I mentioned, is staying present. Stay in the Now. This keeps us from feeding the pain with thoughts.

Second way to recover, forgiveness. True forgiveness. Forgive everyone you meet. Forgive everyone who offended you. As Tolle points out, "your victim identity dissolves, and your true power emerges-the power of Presence. Instead of blaming the darkness, you bring in the light."

Being Right

I have learned that being right is, well, not always right. Being "right" locks you into a belief, a belief you may have picked up a long time ago. And as you know, if you have read this blog, that our beliefs are not necessarily true. A belief is something we believe to be true. But it is not a fact.

Being right defends our beliefs. We attempt to look at why the other person is wrong, instead of what "just is." Because someone has a different belief than us, we tend to think this person is wrong, and I am right. Or we think this person is not as smart as we are . . . or "less than us." And soon, our views of this person (or groups of people) are "tainted." What I mean by tainted is that anything they say is evaluated and judged a little harder.

Being right should not be for you. Being accurate is what we should aim for. Sometimes there are shades of grey - and not black and white, right or wrong, and this or that.

Someone once said, "Genius is the ability to hold two opposing views in the mind at the same time." I might add - without going crazy or without getting stuck.

If we can stop trying to be right, we allow new information to come into our minds. If we can stop trying to be right and defending our current beliefs, maybe we will be able to let go of certain mistaken or faulty beliefs that are holding us back. Our beliefs can act as a set of brakes on ability to grow - much like a car has brakes. And if you are driving through life with your brakes on, you may never reach your destination - or if you do, your engine may be worn out.

Our beliefs can be modified to help accelerate our growth.

Now what does this have to do with a recovery blog? Everything. We get locked into a set of beliefs that may have come from one of our qualifiers. The belief from our qualifier can be powerful or have a powerful impact on how we think about ourselves and the world in which we live. And our qualifiers may be the last people we should listen to. But for some damn reason we tend to put stock in what they say. Maybe not at first. But over time, like the drip, drip, drip of water, it wear us down and we become - well - sick.

Stop and evaluate your thinking and your thoughts. Ask yourself, "Where did I come up with this thought?" And then ask. "Is it something that is true for me? Today?"

Your thoughts and beliefs act like the brakes on your car. Or they can be like the gas peddle on your car. Of course it depends where you are going. If you are going off a cliff you want to apply the brakes, so don't get me wrong, some beliefs that stop us from doing stupid things are good!

Just evaluate your beliefs. Our beliefs may not necessarily be "right." That is, they may be inaccurate.

One last thing about this belief thing and being right. Look at what you are defending. If you get defensive or defend an opinion, take a look at this. It may reveal a fear or a hurt that you have deep down inside. Ask yourself, "Where did I get that from?" It may take some effort to get past the scar tissue.

Have a great day.

Al-Anon Slogan: "How Important Is This?"

A few nights ago at an Al-Anon meeting we all drew from a bag, Al-Anon slogans. I pulled "How Important Is This?"

This is strange, because I have been focusing on this slogan over the past several weeks. It has allowed me to detach more easily, and to make a decision as to whether to expend my energies on a certain issue with my qualifier. I found that repeating this slogan over and over during the course of a button-pushing discussion, I could immediately decide that if I would engage or fire a rejoinder (a remark, sarcasm, or try to convince), it would have no immediate or long-term benefit to me. And the "to me" part is something that is a little foreign in my mental make-up.

But to "stay the course . . ."

This slogan, ( "How Important Is This?"), is something I read about in management readings, something I read about waaaay before Al-Anon, that I knew about, but did not successfully implement or even at all execute.

Now, through Al-Anon, I have these slogans imprinted on my mind. Because of this, (imprinting), I am now able to recall certain slogans during hot times and put "space" between the button-pushing and my reaction or better my "non-reaction."

I used to think the slogans were trite. But how my opinion has changed.

"How important is it?" does not mean that I always back down. It has helped me set important boundaries - meaning, "what I will not allow or not accept."

I hope this helps you this morning.

We're Controlling? Yeah, right.

I am learning that the more I try to control, that I am really being controlled.

This is the most powerful sentence I will write today. So I could stop right (write) there. But of course, I am codependent and I am verbose. A double whammy. What a nightmare.

Okay. What do I mean about being controlled? Well, let's face facts. Who has been called a "control freak" . . . ? Raise your right hand. Higher. A little higher. The curvature of the earth is preventing me from seeing all those hands.

Okay. That's established. 101% of us have been labeled this by our friends - the qualifiers. But if you dig deeper - past what you are doing to control, and look into how you started to try to control the situation, I'll bet you a dollar (Canadian or US, Euros too), that you can pinpoint it to an event or a statement that caused you to react.

To react.

Those are the two (2) key words. Count 'em if you like. Two.

To react. Yikes. Look and research. Go back over past "encounters."

Next time, try to replace your response with, "Is that so?" Or, "Hmmm." Or "I hear you." And stop. Don't react. Don't empathize (this is a gift and a curse, as I am a BIGGGG empathizer). Don't sympathize. The difference is; "I feel your pain" versus "I am sorry you have pain."

Just let it sit there - that statement or mood or their reaction or behavior. Watch it float around the room you are in, like a separate inanimate object. Try this. It may help you to picture it as an object that you know and that cannot hurt you, like an orange or apple. See it come out their mouths. When they (our button pusher friends), try to push our buttons and cause us to react (which feeds their pain and gets our pain up and running), watch the words, literally come out of their mouths.

I know this may sound a little weird. But it helps us to NOT identify with the harsh criticism or the provocation. It helps to make the words or behavior something a little odd in our minds, like an orange or an apple. See the orange come out of their mouths. "Plop." Right out of their mouths, onto the floor or table. "Plop."

Observe it, like a disinterested third-party. This will help you . . .

Disassociate.

Remember, they are trying to push your buttons. If you can stop yourself from reacting, you are no longer being controlled. And the control we usually reply with, no longer needs to be . . . , well, replied with. This is a liberating feeling. And if you're into a little revenge, it pisses them off! :-)

Worry - Part 2 (My Formula to Eliminate It?)

At Al-Anon we are provided tools and new thoughts to deal with the worry we sometimes have. At one meeting we talked about "Change" and dealing with "crap." I think "crap" was the euphemism for "Problems." Although the word, "crap," may be a more offensive word - I think it is more accurate.

I was surprised how many people spoke of getting up in the morning and dreading the day. They got up thinking about problems. I thought about this several times over the past week or so since this meeting. Why was it that people got up in the morning thinking about problems and worrying about the crap? Why was this their first thought of the day?

And, did I used to think about the crap or dread the day? Truthfully, I think I did. I think I used to think about the problems I was faced with.

But more importantly, why didn't I think I think about problems or dread the day any more?

These questions are extremely personal - and what I mean by this is - I am not judging myself as better than those who think about problems when they first get up in the morning. I am just trying to figure out when and where I made that shift - from thinking about problems to thinking about and doing - "jumping out of the bed" excited about the day.

Yes, getting out of the bed has been a little tougher lately, due to the problem I am facing.

But, I do not worry or dread the day. Why?

I am thinking this out loud this morning - "Why?"

I think I do a few things that may help you. It is important that I recognize that when I don't do them, my morning is off kilter (what the hell is a kilter?). My morning is like the static on an old TV (remember before we had cable?). These two sentences are meant to reinforce to me to make sure I do these. The most important one is the subject of today's post.

Read Something Inspirational for One Hour Each Morning
First, and I know this has been a life saving event for me, is that I get up early, every morning, including Saturday and Sunday. I mean, by 5AM (sure, some days are tougher, especially when there is real chaos in the house).

So why do I get up soooo early - some may ask. I do this to start my day out with reading of something "inspirational" - something "personally motivational." I reprogram my mind. I get up and study or read - if you prefer -something that is "enlightening" for at least, and I mean at least, an hour. This one thing, has turned my life around from negativity to being positive and optimistic. It has helped me build my self-esteem and my bank account. It has provided me new friends and new thoughts and views of the world. I cannot say enough about it. I can also say that humbly, I still make make mistakes and do and say stupid things. I just don't do as many as I used to - and - I feel good about myself!

But this one thing, has allowed me to gain peace. In some ways it is my meditation. It has allowed me to see the world of one of problems, to seeing the world of one of opportunities.

I first started this about - 18 years ago? I cannot remember exactly. But, I can tell you I was too poor to buy my own books, so I used to go to the library and take home five to 10 books at a time. I would first study books on leadership, management, time management, sales, marketing and self-help. These were my subjects that I was trying to improve in.

I do think this is where I went from dreading the day and thinking about problems to literally jumping out of bed with excitement that this time was mine and that I would have this all to myself.

Try this and see if it works for you. Again, I do this every day, so it has become a habit, a ritual, in my life;

Here are some finer points;

1. Set your clock 30 minutes earlier than you typically wake up. Then a week from now set it another 30 minutes earlier than this. You'll get used to it. You may have to go to bed a little earlier at night. I now get up without an alarm clock.
2. Find some very exciting book you think you would enjoy. Don't read something fictional, or something that is a downer. This is the "rudder of your day" time. It is the time of the day that you can determine which way to sail - north or south. I say - "go North" (i.e. positive).
3. I do this before the sun comes up. I love to watch the sun come up. It is a thing of beauty. I try to sit near a window facing the sun coming up (this is my little deal - may not apply to you.).
4. I sit with a spiral notebook and take notes. It's a cheap notebook. But what this does is a double whammy - I read and write. It focused my brain on the subject and forces me to see and think things I normally would skip over if I was :just" reading. This in and of itself is SUPER powerful. Even if you never go back and reread your notes, you will be surprised how this little thing helps you!
5. The notebook thing - #4 above . . . this also keeps your mind from wandering. Even if you rewrite whole passages - verbatim - from the book. Try it.
6. I drink coffee and ice water. The coffee gets me going. The water, I am not sure why I drink so much water. I just do. This one here - #6, is purely what I do. Probably not important.
7. I do this before anyone is up in the house, or the hotel I am staying in. I do not have a problem going to a McDonald's or Starbucks - even when there are 20 people running around - it's different than when people are running around you that you know, however.

I get such a kick out the morning now. Try this and see.

By the way, the book that I would recommend is a Robert Anthony book. See over to the right of this blog for the titles. Also, any Brian Tracy book. A good one is Maximum Achievement. This is a book about thinking and the universal laws of life.

There are many other books. Perhaps, you can share your books you have found enjoyable.

Good Luck this morning!

Worry - Part 1

At Al-Anon we learn to try not to worry. As I posted before, there are several things that have helped me from "attempting to predict the future, negatively." This - "Attempting to predict the future, negatively" - is my term for worry - that does nothing but make us upset, causes stress in the present, (the right now), and perhaps, even causes the very thing we are worried about to occur (more on this later).

A worrying consciousness helps create a future of sickness, lack and limitation and even poverty. Worrying is "mind poverty." It is poor thinking. It is thinking in the present about the future in a negative manner.

Problems Thrive In the Past and the Future
As a side note, while worry looks forward about the future, we also have the evil twin sister of worry which is "blame." Blame is negative too. However, blame looks backward. Blame looks backward at the past. Looking backward and blaming someone or something that happened to you, is destructive, because it looks at something that cannot be undone. Blame feeds its sister, Worry, because now, Blame whispers to Worry, "What if this happens again?" And the sister, Worry takes over and begins to project the perceived negative past on to the future.

Take a moment and reread that before reading any more.

Does this describe anyone we know? How about, "anyone you know?"

Crazy when we think about this isn't it? We are spending the present thinking about stuff that hasn't happened yet and thinking about stuff that already occurred that cannot be changed.

Constructive Tools To Eliminate Worry
Here are some tools to help you over come "worry" or negatively predicting the future;
1. Look down at you feet. See that they are firmly planted in the PRESENT. Do what you can and think about - those things you can do right now.
2. Reframe the past. What problems occurred that you can REFRAME to be considered opportunities of learning (a.k.a. lessons learned) that will help you in the PRESENT?
3. It will work out. Remember this one? An Al-Anon colleague said, "It will either work out, . . . or, . . . It will work out." When I say this I am able to stop thinking negatively, and breath a little deeper. It works for me. I hope this works for you.
4. God, or if you prefer, your HP, has the plan. He is going to run the Master Plan as he sees fit, for the advantage and benefit of all involved. If you turn your worry over to him, he is big enough to handle the worry. It's his job. It's a 24 by 7 duty, that he has assigned to himself.
5. We worried yesterday, about what? Have you ever looked back at what you were worried about yesterday? Can you remember a year ago? How about five years ago? Do you recall all those things you thought you could never get through? Now, what about these things today?
6. Practice "constructive worry elimination." This is my term for thinking about worry in a more positive light. Such as; "If I lose my job, maybe I will get a better one, and this will be my chance to do what I love to do." Or, "If I lose this relationship, maybe I will have a chance to meet someone and do some things I would never have been able to do." Do you get the drift? You can even be more specific, such as; "If I lose this account, I know it will be tough for a few weeks, but it will free up two hours a day, to allow me to try and win over these other, better accounts (clients)."

Give up worrying. Worrying is negative goal setting (more on this later - perhaps tomorrow). Worrying has no future in it.

Have a great day!

Weekend Al-Anon Online: Solitude

On-line Weekend Al-Anon Meeting on; Solitude
If you have found this website you are invited to join us in a weekend long, Al-Anon Meeting.The on-line meeting starts Friday evening 4/11/08 and runs to Sunday 4/13/08 evening.

Note: To view this post and the comments at the same time, click on the link here (click here) in order to get a better view.

I do not practice meditation enough. I do cherish my quiet times. I have a crazy schedule at work, and sometimes - if I allow it to be - a stressful life. When I do "go into the silence" I can find some sanity.

This weekend I would like for us to talk and discuss what we do or can do or better WILL DO to gain more control around our mind and our reactions. Those of you in an active addiction home, may find this interesting, that many who are in similar situations, are find time for themselves. Meditating or going into the silence may seem or sound weird, but it is really very therapeutic.

I am going to go off track here and bring in a guest speaker by the name of Brian Tracy. He has great programs for business professionals. I have known of Brian Tracy for years. I am not trying to sell his programs, as he has none for people who are living with the disease. He does have programs for becoming excellent in Leadership, Work, Management etc.

However, and I mean this - the only reason why I am placing his words here is because of their therapeutic value for us who are living and coping with the disease and looking for strength, courage and hope.

Here is our guest Brian Tracy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The greatest men and women of all ages have practiced solitude regularly. They learned how to use silence to still their minds and tap into their superconscious powers for answers to their questions.

The Magic of Solitude
Your feelings, your emotions, are the access point to your inner powers of mind. The most important part in the process of getting in touch with your feelings is to begin to practice solitude on a regular basis. Solitude is the most powerful activity in which you can engage. Men and women who practice it correctly and on a regular basis never fail to be amazed at the difference it makes in their lives.

Most people have never practiced solitude. Most people have never sat down quietly by themselves for any period of time in their entire lives. Most people are so busy being busy, doing something-even watching television-that it's highly unusual for them to simply sit, deliberately, and do nothing. But as Catherine Ponder points out, "Men and women begin to become great when they begin to take time quietly by themselves, when they begin to practice solitude."

And here's the method you can use.

To get the full benefit of your periods of solitude, you must sit quietly for at least 30 to 60 minutes at a time. If you haven't done it before, it will take the first 25 minutes or so for you to stop fidgeting and moving around. You'll almost have to hold yourself physically in your seat. You'll have an almost irresistible desire to get up and do something. But you must persist.
Solitude requires that you sit quietly, perfectly still, back and head erect, eyes open, without cigarettes, candy, writing materials, music or any interruptions whatsoever for at least 30 minutes. An hour is better.

Become completely relaxed, and breathe deeply. Just let your mind flow. Don't deliberately try to think about anything. The harder you "don't try," the more powerfully it works. After 20 or 25 minutes, you'll begin to feel deeply relaxed. You'll begin to experience a flow of energy coming into your mind and body.

You'll have a tremendous sense of well-being. At this point, you'll be ready to get the full benefit of these moments of contemplation.

The River of Ideas
The incredible thing about solitude is that if it is done correctly, it works just about 100 percent of the time. While you're sitting there, a stream, a river, of ideas will flow through your mind. You'll think about countless subjects in an uncontrolled stream of consciousness. Your job is just to relax and listen to your inner voice.

At a certain stage during your period of solitude, the answers to the most pressing difficulties facing you will emerge quietly and clearly, like a boat putting gently to the side of a lake. The answer that you seek will come to you so clearly and it will feel so perfect that you'll experience a deep sense of gratitude and contentment.

Trusting Yourself
When you emerge from this period of quiet, you must do exactly what has come to you. It may involve dealing with a human situation. It may involve starting something or quitting something. Whatever it is, when you follow the guidance that you received in solitude, it will turn out to be exactly the right thing to do. Everything will be OK. And it will usually work out far better than you could have imagined. Just try it and see.

You must learn to trust yourself. You must develop the habit of listening to yourself and then acting on the guidance you receive.

Here are three steps you can take immediately to put these ideas into action.

• First, select a specific time and place to sit quietly and practice one full hour of solitude. Don't put it off.
• Second, take small periods of silence and solitude during the day, especially when you feel overwhelmed with problems or responsibilities.
• Third, take action immediately on the ideas and insights you receive while in solitude. One good idea can save you months and years of hard work. The key is trust.

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Here is where we can begin. If you have ways that you focus on yourself and try to relax, release and let go, or other things that you have learned that have helped you, please make you post here.

Or if you have a burning desire or burning issue, please ask for help here as well!

THANKS!

Forgiveness

fForgiveness - In Al-Anon this is one of the tools we use to help us. Sounds strange doesn't it? "To help us."

A Simple, Effective, Powerful Tool
Forgiveness. A powerful tool that if used properly can fill you with abundance, joy and peace. You see, forgiveness is the opposite of resentment. Forgiveness allows us to release the anger and the trespasses that we feel people have made against us.

Hanging on to the anger, the feeling that we have been trespassed is another powerful addiction. As soon as we hang onto one feeling of anger and allow it to reside within our bodies, we soon find another person's actions or words have harmed us. And we allow it to reside there too. This action becomes easier for us each time. Soon it becomes a habit.

Sow a thought; reap an action.
Sow an action; reap a habit.
Sow a habit; reap a character.
Sow a character; reap a destiny.

A Sack of Poison
Soon we are carrying this sack full of poison within us - despising our so called "enemies" for what they have done that has "harmed us." The problem with this is our little sack of poison starts to leak. It leaks into other relationships. It make us see the world with distrusting eyes. And soon, we begin to see actions that just "are," as actions meant to harm us.

The resentment poisons our bodies. It causes other illnesses. It causes our blood pressure to go up. It causes us to be anxious, stressful and tense most of the time. We become frightened and fear what others "may" say to us. Or we may fear what others will say about us to someone else.

Give up resentments this morning. Practice forgiving and forgiveness's. Let the past bury the past - and let the dead bury the dead, as they say. What happened in the past is the past. Not a thing you can do to change it.

Wipe the Slate Clean
Today, decide to wipe the slate clean of all past grievances. Say, "I give up and release everyone and anything that I felt hurt me." See the picture of a slate or chalk board in your mind, with all those grievances written on the board. And then, one by one, give them up by erasing them, saying, "I release everyone and anything that I felt has hurt me. I let go of the past, and what cannot be undone and I look to today, at what can be done."

Actions to Get Rid of Harder Past Grievances
If you have a grievance that you cannot just let go, here are three actions that I think can help;

1. Go to the other person and let them know you were hurt. And tell them, that you harbored anger toward them. And that you love them just them same and you have let go of the anger (or trespass.)
2. Write a letter saying how you were hurt and how you harbored the hurt/anger. And how you are releasing it. You can write it and decide whether to mail it.
3. You can write these on a piece of paper. Go to the backyard and put a match to it. As it burns, watch it burn away and symbolically, feel your resentment dissipate.

Sone people may recoil when you tell them. Some may say, "What are you talking about?" And they may really have no clue they said something that was hurtful. Others may say, "You are weird." And others, those who are in the active addiction, may not care or understand what you are talking about.

You don't have to tell anyone who you are doing this for and in fact shouldn't. It loses it power AND your telling other why you are doing this, is another form of our "disease" of needing to justify our actions and get validation/approval from others. But this is the another topic!

Knowing the reactions going into forgiving, may allow you to see and understand that you are not doing this for them.

Just for You
Forgiveness, if you like, is a purely selfish act (by the way, selfish is OK in this case!). It is for you, the forgiver. It is not for the other person. When you let go and release, you will feel better and closer to your God or your Higher Power.

It Will Work Out or . . .

At Al-Anon meetings we keep the focus on ourselves, and not the alcoholic. This can be hard to do, especially when we are living with the disease and it is active. It is harder even still, when there are little children involved. This - I know - firsthand.

So, I hope I can provide you with strength, hope and courage - every morning and every day from my posts. Today I want to post a comment I picked up and wrote down from a recent meeting.

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One wise man said, "When I was worried about something I had no control over, I called my sponsor. He listened to what I was worrying about and then said, 'Here's what will happen. One of two things will happen. It will either, work out . . . or, it will, work out.'"

Interesting. If we know things will just work out, that we have no control over some things and that, the God of our understanding, will oversee this for us, this can be freeing.
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In Step 1 we learn and relearn - we are "powerless over alcohol" and that our lives have become "unmanageable." Once we know this one thing, once we have admitted and committed this one thing over to memory and not react or respond to everyone and everything, we can begin to see we need something greater than ourselves, to turn all this stuff over to. We can begin to see that there has to be a God (or a Higher Power if you prefer). That God, or our HP, doesn't care what we call him or her. That the God of our understanding is there - always there and doesn't get caught up in the petty words we chose to call him or her - i.e. whether we call him God or our HP. He just is.

This is new to me, this turning things over to God or our Higher Power. I am realizing for the first time, that I have carried too much, for too many people, for too long. I couldn't possibly be and do everything for everyone else. I used to think everything was my responsibility to solve. Now, I admit, I did draw the line when it came to politics, world hunger, and foreign affairs. But in matters surrounding work and family, I was there, ready to carry the whole ball of wax.

Whether we go to church or not, God is there. He is always there for us and waiting to help, if we ask and we just allow ourselves to ask for help.

He may not answer our call exactly as we want it to be and may not answer it in the time frame we desire, but it will be answered in the way it is supposed to be.

After all, either it will . . . work out or, it will . . . work out.

The Law of Attraction - Al-Anon & AA: Part 2

The Law of Attraction - How We Can Use it in AA or Al-Anon or in Recovery
The Law of Attraction is a powerful concept. It is not a new one, as it has been spoken and written about for hundreds of years. Now, with the advent of modern psychology, the Law of Attraction is not about "magic" - but it is about how your brain functions, and how you draw into your life, things, people and events similar to your dominate beliefs.

I believe the following can be of huge benefit to people in recovery. Whether the people are in Al-Anon people or AA people or people in a different recovery program. It is an important topic, one in which I feel strongly.

I have noticed in my confusion of being in the swirl of an alcoholic environment, that I have forgotten this important concept of how the world works and have not been applying it. Or if I have, I was applying it to give me the opposite of what I desired. This is a follow-on to Friday's post (click here to link to view it).

The Primary Function of the Subconscious
The subconscious mind contains all of our past experiences and beliefs. It functions are a computer program would, except faster and trillions more calculations. Because of past programming, the subconscious acts a system of "checks and balances." It forms a "filter" or a "lens" through which we see the world.

An example might be how two different people from opposite ends of the world see things from a totally different point of view. It is why a lawyer will see an event differently than a salesperson. Both could be looking at the same "thing" and come from different perspectives to provide different viewpoints.

Our Subconscious
The subconscious helps form our self-image. Our self-image determines how I think and act. I act how I believe is appropriate for me. The self-image is made up of our beliefs. Our beliefs make up this filter through which we see the world through the conscious mind. The conscious mind allows "in" information in certain chunks, typically chunks that is familiar to what we already believe. This filter acts like a governor on the car. It regulates the data coming in and keeps us from getting information overload. It keeps us from going insane, or becoming the Dustin Hoffman character in Rainman (i.e. being able to count holes in the tiled ceiling in one glance).

The conscious and subconscious help reinforce our current self-image.

Creating a New Self-Image (if we want to!)
Because our habits or past conditioning act as a filter, we must try to discern whether these habit and past conditioning (programming) actually are working for us or against us. Are the things we learned as children actually still useful in the situation we are in?

One of our primary responsibilities is to evaluate our conditioned responses to see if they are helping our hurting us. Often they are keeping us stuck in an old computer program loop. We do the same thing our parents did, and their parents did. This "program" in the form of behavior is handed down through the generations. It forms the basis from which we operate - specifically; how we respond and react.

It also determines what we feel worthy of. With this we are back to the self-image. For example, if you go to a restaurant, you may be inclined to have something far cheaper on the menu, because, the most expensive item is, well, the most expensive item, and we shoudn't have the most expensive item. Whereas someone else, will go straight for the most expensive item. And another person will order what they want.

Do you understand this? Does this make sense?

It's Not About Right or Wrong. It Is About Thinking About Thinking
An important point here, is any one of the three choices above is not necessarily right or wrong, or worse or better than the other two choices. But it is important to notice what we do and how we feel about the choices.

This same programming may keep you stuck in a relationship, because; "this is what I am worthy of." It may keep you stuck in a job at work, because; "this higher paying job is for 'other' people."

This is not necessarily positive thinking. It is just "thinking about thinking." It is the ability to analyze your own thoughts which govern how to feel and act. And help you determine which ones support you in where you want to go and which ones support you in keeping you in place.

What We Could Do
To have a better life, to become all we can and ought to become, we could begin evaluating our conditioned responses and thought patterns. We could become, "more conscious" of our unconscious thoughts.

We could begin to look at how we feel toward something. Does it make us anxious? Does an event or circumstance conjure up a feeling of insecurity? Of loss? Anger? Righteousness?

Acting or becoming positive is not necessarily the right thing to do, because the old computer program will pop back into the computer and replay itself automatically, when we are off guard. What we could do is to identify the behavior(s) or thought pattern(s) that is not working for us. And deliberately identify them by writing it down and write out a new behavior of how we will respond and react and feel from now on.

When doing this, we need to really decide where we want to go in life. It could be with our relationships or finances or at work or with physical exercise or any other area in our lives that is not what we want them to be. What direction do we want to take our lives and what example do we want to set as a person? What area is not working for me and what beliefs are keeping me stuck in this self-image of what I think I deserve?

Once we begin to see the power in thinking about our thinking, and thinking about our self-image, we can begin looking at our beliefs and habits and see if they fit what we want to become and do and have. Then we can rewrite new behaviors and habits of thought to guide us to where we want to go and help us move in the direction we want to go.

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PS - I used this method a long time ago. It worked. I am reapplying it now. It may not work perfectly since I am in an uncontrolled or chaotic environment, but it sure feels good to know that I do not have to be subjected to the whims and fancies of others when I recall and commit to understanding the power behind this important concept.

PPS - I am traveling this week. It may be difficult to post a follow up to this topic. But I hope to show some tools to allow reprogramming the subconscious and our self-image in an upcoming post.

Positive From Negative - Al-Anon Post

(Revised 4PM Monday)
Al-Anon Step 1 work. This weekend I hosted an Al-Anon Meeting that I attend regularly. This made for a record breaking 6 Al-Anon meetings in one week for me. And this is from a person who said, "Couldn't stand the meetings." (Ha!)

I talked about my situation and how I was going to make a "bad" decision or "bad" situation not created by me or my daughter and how to turn it into a good situation. In other words, take something bad and outside of our control and create into something good.

Background and Catch-Up
I spoke of how my wife took off to the lake/mountains while not really considering the consequences of her actions, by not asking my opinion, not telling us how long she would be gone, what time she was leaving and what time she would be back. As you recall from last week's blog posts I was pretty unhappy. I did gain my equilibrium around Tuesday by blogging, hearing from you all, and attending Al-Anon meetings.

So my action to make this a "good thing" was to try and figure out how to spend more time with my daughter. So I looked into going to taking a trip, but wound up going out to a nice dinner at a world famous restaurant (alright may in my world - it was world famous). I was taking my daughter and her friends out to dinner and have a great time.

The Al-Anon Talk
As part of my talk I created a PowerPoint document as a handout. It represents all of the major negative issues we face as family members of alcoholism. And it represents all the positive things we can do to influence our lives (note: I do not say "the alcoholic's life).

To view the diagram . . . . . ----> Click here to view diagram

Someone suggested I publish the talk and diagram in Forum, Al-Anon's magazine that comes out once a month. The conversation started off with, "Joe, I want to talk to you about this diagram." Instantly, fear walked into my mind, conjuring up an image that the Al-Anon police were going to say something about the PowerPoint diagram saying, "It wasn't Al-Anon approved." And of course she would have been right. It's just that I respect this person and did not want to get on a "black list." I fear rejection. Interesting that I am still dealing with this. Then there is a part of me that says, "Screw it." And I do it anyway. Probably some psycho-analysis is needed here for these two divergent and opposing thoughts.

Anyway, she said, "You really ought to consider getting this published in Forum. They could use material like this. I have been trying to condense some of the princples in Al-Anon and this chart helps quite a bit."

So my fear was not even close to appearing real.

Anyway, I will try to explain what the PowerPoint diagram actually depicts. And before I do, I must tell you there are no short cuts. This diagram just represents to me - one thing - we need to work on ourselves and not allow our minds to drift to the negative, as it is so easy for this to happen in the environment in which we live.

The Al-Anon Talk
On the left hand side is where our mind may tend to go and actually live - The Negative Thinking side.

Before I went into describing the diagram, I read from two of the Al-Anon books, as a set up and where a lot of my information is derived. Here are the passages.

From the book "How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics" p32.

. . . "We don't realize that, by playing our part, we actually contribute to sustaining the disease of alcoholism. We may serve as enabler, rescuing the alcoholic from unpleasant consequences of his or her own making. Or we may play the victim, unwillingly stepping in and covering for the alcoholic who is too drunk or hung over to fulfill job or family responsibilities.

CHANGING THE PART WE PLAY IN THE FAMILY DISEASE (heading)
. . . "By recovering from the effects of the disease, we become able to stop playing our part in the family disease. The balance is disrupted. Suddenly it is no longer comfortable for the the alcoholic."

From the book "Hope for Today"
I am doing this from memory, as I do not have the book in front of me. So this is my interpretation. The actual page it is from is page 47 (earlier I said page 99 - not even close);

"We go into our mind, and pass through neighborhoods that are bad, neighborhoods where we should not pass through alone, for we know what these neighborhoods look like because we have been there many times before with poor results.

"This is a time for us to call our sponsor, an Al-Anon friend, read Al-Anon literature, meditate."

The PowerPoint Diagram Explained:
What I am depicting is a representation of where our mind can lead us, and how controlling people, situations and things are outside of our control. And control may be or lead to the factors under "Negative Thinking" - while there are accelerants that continue to harm us and harm us faster as noted under the heading "Feeding Negativity."

You will also notice that the Negative Thinking diagram is a dashed line, representing things "oozing out," like a wound (sorry - that is graphic - it is not what I said by the way).

While under the Reframe which leads to Positive Thinking, the focus is on ourselves and what we really can control, and how focusing on this side actually makes us better. This therefore can disrupt the cycle of addiction - or at least keep us from adding fuel to the addiction and the chaos.

The line around this diagram is solid. It is about keeping the work focused on ourselves. Making it an "inside job." This is not to say we should isolate ourselves.

In this case, it is "all about us." For once. Focus on ourselves. Work on us. It is important to know we matter.

The End. And We All Lived Happy, Normal Lives

OK. That was sarcastic. I need to read more.

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More Stuff and Thoughts

Under Miscellaneous
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A little humor:
By the way, what if we had bumper stickers made up, with "Stop the Drama" printed up on them? Would others "get it?"

Under the category: Do you think country singers are codependent?

Here's a song title that says it all : "The worst you ever gave me, was the best I ever had."

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Our On-Line Al-Anon Weekend Meeting
This weekend's meeting on-line was another smash hit, with user viewing count hovering again at just under 300!

Our Thanks to Catherine for the Finances & Money topic. I learned a lot and saw myself in the comments of many people. Please take a look at this and any one of the other meetings we held on-line for the past several weeks.

You can view this meeting and others by going to the Right Hand side of this blog and look under Past On-Line Meetings. There you will find the dates and the subjects covered.

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My Personal Note To You (& Me):Realize many of us are in pain, for many different reasons. Some of us have been neglected. Some of us have been unloved. Some of us have been abused. Some of us are living in chaos and crisis. Some of us do not know how we are going to make it to the next day. We've all been there in one form or another.


But here are a couple of key points I wish to make:The alcoholic can make you feel like you are the rotten one - the bad person. Here is what a counselor told me one day, and it has stuck in my mind and I think it is appropriate for all of us in our situation, for we all feel shame and blame, but here are his words, exactly:

"You are not an evil one."

I don't use this to blame my spouse, but only to remember that this disease is hideous. There is a saying used by psychologists; "Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling and powerful."

Actually the term comes from AA directly from The Big Book. Near the start of chapter 5 (page 58 ) it says "Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful."

Remember, you are not to blame. And you are not the cause. And you cannot change it nor cure it.

Engage or Not Engage

It's very easy to engage and argue with someone who has been drinking. When the alcoholic is drinking, a whole set of emotions come out, that we have lurking under the surface. The "drink" is our trigger - or should I say - the "drinking."

The release of emotions when we argue with the alcoholic vary and are diverse in range. They emotions run the gamut from; hate, fear, anger, jealously, resentment, feeling like a victim, hurt, and so on.

When we argue with the alcoholic, we feel like we are making progress, we use our best arguments, and we are very good. If the alcoholic responds he or she can make very little sense, or may agree or may attack back.

Pick one of the three on how the alcoholic responds;
1. Not making sense. - we get frustrated, so we explain and get further frustrated
2. May agree - they agree to do some by a time/date. They don't do it. We get further frustrated.
3. May attack - they get personal. We respond by attacking them. We threaten. We don't follow through with the threat.

What we need to look at is how to become in control of what we can control. What can we control? Here is a list;
1. The decision to engage or disengage. This one is powerful. Just saying, "I am not going to engage with you right now." Puts the power of control back in your court. And you can address the issue when the alcoholic is sober.
2. Ask yourself "How important is this to argue about?" This is also powerful because it allows you to rationally decide if this is important or if it is a nit or can be dealt with later.
3. "Letting go." When we are angry, and have this anger sitting under the surface of our skin, it is called resentment. Resentment causes stress. Stress causes illness. The illnesses caused by stress may be sleep deprivation to gaining weight to a form of cancer. "Letting go" says I decide what I am going to release from my mind. This does not mean, I am letting the alcoholic off the hook when they agreed to do something, it's taking a different tact in that I will not be angry. But I will hold him or her accountable.
4. Worry. Worry is thinking about what may happen. It is about the future. It is out of our control. Unless of course you have some power over the future (which you don't).
5. Anger is about blame. Blame looks to the past and what cannot be undone. You have no power to change the past.
6. Present - is responsibility about what you can do now. Stand in the now. What can I do? What should I do? Can I do it? This you do have power to do. This is where you need to focus.
7. Back to Engage. This is about making your statement. Be clear on what you expect and what you need. It needs to be only a sentence. Put a period on your statement. This is powerful. You don't have to explain why you want something. Sometimes that weakens your request. If you feel it moving toward criticism of the individual, that is; toward you or you toward him, then you say silently or outloud, "Stop." Now you decide to say, "I am not engaging. I am not going to allow this conversation to go in that direction." If it continues, stop yourself from further discussion and move away from the argument by going to another room or shutting down by saying, "Let's discuss this later."

A telltale barometer of anger waiting to jump out is when my chest tightens and a coiled snake starts to rise from my stomach up through my chest. And it wants to release through my mouth. Once you recognize the tightening is your stomach or chest, by practicing stepping away, detachment or a control tool above, you find yourself over time creating a new response habit, where you don't get angry as often and are in control of your thinking.

Here are some other tools;
1. Forgiveness - a completely self-centered act that allows you to release and let go. You don't have to accept bad behavior, but it allows you to feel good by saying something about the person's problem to yourself. It helps you, by keeping resentment from building.
2. Setting boundaries - it puts in place clear expectation and consequences if the expectation is not met.
3. Doing something for yourself - this means taking time out for yourself. When you do something for yourself; going to a movie, having lunch with a friend, going running/walk, sitting at Starbucks with a book for 30 minutes, etc. makes you a better, calmer person who likes themselves.

If you follow some of these guideline, you become more empowered. When you are engaging with the alcoholic, you will find that you are being controlled. And the funny or strange thiing is you don't even know you are being controlled. Think about this for a second, and you past experiences. Aren't you playing into their hands when you get mad and engage?

I hope this helps.

PS - actually two PS's
1. I still need some help with this weekend's On-Line Al-Anon Meeting this weekend. I am thinking about the subject of Effective Tools we can use. And people can post what has worked for them. Or someone has a burning topic - we can do that. Please let me know.
2. You may have read the post called the Bride of Frankenstein that was up earlier. It was meant in jest. While I had no one calling for it to be taken down, I reread it and thought it was in poor taste. I mean to never criticize anyone, even when I am fuming, it was meant to add some light hearted ness to what some of us are facing. We are facing some terrible circumstances that affect us deeply. And I wish for all of us to know, that there is a God or HP, and that we shall prevail. And we shall prevail with dignity and our heads held high and we will never be taken down by anyone. Especially an abusive, self-centered personality, and that is where I put my period at the end of this sentence.

Asking for Help

One of the best Al-Anon meetings I have ever gone to was about "Asking for Help."

As people who have alcoholism in our lives, we tend to carry the burden. We do it all ourselves. We take on everyone's task to make sure the family stays together or tries to function.

And damn, life is hard, isn't it?

But we need help. We have very few people who can understand us and know what we are going through . . .

It was just like that phone call that I received from my wife's best friend yesterday. (see post from yesterday labeled "A Phone Call" or double click here). The women said, "Well she has stopped drinking hasn't she?" Yes, but only for two weeks, and even then I am still not certain, because she hides it so well. And I explained to her that even when the drinking stops (for 2 days or 2 weeks) the alcoholism still rages. She could not understand that fact, and how could she? She is not here in the house of alcoholism - the insane asylum.

So I left it alone - because I could not explain to her that they still have the role of a child. They do not act like an adult. And they are frankly, a bitch sometimes (or bastard), because they are so self-absorbed and self-centered, that no one and I mean no one matters to them and factors into their realm of reality - because they have no realm of reality.

Am I accurate here? Do you know what I mean? Please respond or comment. I am sorry for the strong words by the way, but I know of no other way to describe it.

But back to the main reason of this post . . .
We all need to be able to ask for help. To "unburden" our emotions to someone who will listen. Some one who KNOWS what we are going through. Because just like my wife's friend I mention above and in the earlier post, people who are not living with it, cannot understand what we are going through.

They may look at us as "whiners" and say "get over it." And it may be we need that once in a while. Because we do drown in our whining. "Which is different and better than drowning in our wine, which is how we got to where we are in the first place but that is another story." (that last sentence should be read with a Groucho Marx kind of accent and style, which is supposed to be funny - or somewhat humorous - in a sad sort of way.)

Back to asking for help . . .
My sponsor says something like this; "If we don't ask someone, we keep on asking ourselves and we keep on getting the same answer that is a result of our screwed up thinking." (OK Sponsor, please correct that last statement in a comment here.)

These Al-Anon meetings have gone to a new level for me. I am now not only going to more of them (two a week), but I am now hanging around afterwards, to develop friends, so I may call upon them to help me when I need it. And offer help if they need it.

I have already used my sponsor to help me get out of a bad couple of situations where I just thought my wife was the most arrogant person in the universe. I was able to talk to him and just by his listening, I was able to calm myself down. He made me laugh too. Which gave me a new perspective.

I also reached out to my wife's counselor, something I would have never done before, had it not been for that Al-Anon meeting and that topic on "Asking for Help."

I also reached out to one of my brothers, who, as children, we never got along. But has now become one of my closest confidants. He provides only an ear. And very few words. And the words he chooses are the most heart felt words and guiding words one can recieve.

I have reached out to one of my old friends, who I used to hang out with in my single days and was one of my groomsmen in the wedding - with my marriage to the Bride of Frankenstein. Dear Mr. Frankenstein, some how I married your wife. If you would like her back . . . PS - Please do not return this package to sender, as sender has moved and left no forwarding address.

I am very grateful for these new friends and the new friends I have found here on this blog. This blog started off as a - I don't know - a test of how blogs work? A real raging diary? I am not sure how and why I started this blog now. But I have discovered - this is a place of fellowship, friendship and consoling. I hope - and is this codependence? - I hope you have found this a place to unburden and friendship as well.

My wish for you is to go to Al-Anon and make the leap as I have. It isn't perfect. Nothing is. But it is a place for us to share and find friends where we can - and I like this word a lot - "unburden."

My best to you all today. And if you have to rage or wage war - rage or wage war here. Here you can get pissed off and unburden, safely and soundly. Or attend an Al-Anon meeting.

PS - you will see a label for this post below called "Effective Tools." The way these blogs work is that you create labels for each like an index in a book. And then you can search by these labels. Asking for help is an effective tool. Very effective.

PPS - please comment. A blogger's gift are the comments he or she receives.

Alcoholic Open Letter - To YOU

An Open Letter to You (the person living in the chaos of alcoholism);

Date: Today (the new day dawning for you.)

Dear You.

You are a good person. You are a person who cares. You are a person who deserves to be happy. And you are not the cause of the alcoholic's problem and you cannot cure it. Period!

No matter what your qualifier does, his or her drinking or addiction, should not be allowed to take you down. And if you have lost your self-esteem and you feel you don't matter, shame on you. Get it back. And get it back for yourself and/or your children.

You have to get better no matter what your qualifier does. What I mean here is your qualifier may never get well. That is up to him (or her). You cannot fix it. You must work on yourself to get your sanity and health back.

We all feel the effects of alcoholism. It makes us feel "Worthless" and "tired" and "confused" among other feelings.

This loss of self-esteem and being run-down doesn't happen overnight, which makes it dangerous. It happens over time, and it is so gradual we don't notice it occurring. What is abnormal now becomes our "new normal."

If we took you back in time and showed you a video snapshot of the future and a video snapshot of the way life was, you would be surprised at the difference between how you were and how you are. You - in fact - would say probably, "I would never allow that to happen." But because of the gradual changes - we change subtly and over time - we don't notice it and because the changes are a "few inches a day, the changes are drastic."

I have found that going to Al-Anon allows me (and others I have met there), understand this fact of change consciously or unconsciously.

We have to get our sanity back;

• No more looking for bottles
• No more calling in sick for the alcoholic
• No more fighting or arguing - especially when drunk
• No more threats you cannot enforce or live by
• No more sacrificing your schedule because the alcoholic didn't live up to their commitment
• No more allowing ourselves to be called names or made to feel bad
• No more anger
• Not checking to see if the alcoholic is feeling OK today to see how we should feel and act

Now we have to do what is really normal that now feels selfish;

• Eating properly
• Eating when we are supposed to
• Exercising
• Meeting friends for coffee
• Working
• Not doing other people's work at work
• Knowing what "codes of value" we will live by and not allow others to intrude upon
• Being happy (and not feeling guilty about it)
• Dressing up/Showering/Getting out of the house
• Not covering up for our qualifier
• And so on

Al-Anon allows us to get sanity back after a few months. Then, and this is important, YOU react and respond differently toward the alcoholic. The alcoholic sees that there are changes because of your changes. What he sees is: You don't get mad anymore, you stop taking care of him (remember he is not a child but will act that way to be taken care of). Therefore he HAS to change, but now you don't have to tell him, you show him by your actions. So often we do for the alcoholic what he or she has to do for themselves (parents do this too). This will feel uncomfortable at first. It will seem selfish. But it isn't, it's the most necessary thing you have to do.

Second, and this is important too: Even if he does not get better, you now have the sanity to where you decide - you decide sanely - whether you want to stay in this environment and live the rest of your life this way. Right now, you cannot decide this properly.

Also - last and this is important too, by getting well, you begin attract new people, events and circumstances into your life that will help you and this help gets you well faster.

I hope this helps YOU.

Joe

PS - If you look back at my first posts, you will see I was crazy because my qualifier was arrogant, demanding, and deceitful. I was reactionary, hurt, depressed, and did not know the tools of Al-Anon. I am not perfect. But I know I have gotten better. I feel it and I see it from the first posts to today's posts. Again, I am still in recovery and have a lot to learn.

PPS - Remember, there are people who really love you and care for you. You are loved by them and by God. God does not make any junk. You need to love your self again. This is not selfish. Feel it and live it. Today is your turning point. See the new dawn rising.