A Couple of Quick Things . . .

First, sorry about the comments that may not have been "published." I did not reject any, it's just that I apparently did not "accept" them properly. I discovered 5 unpublished comments this morning . . . Well, I "published" them all. I will make it easier for all of us by taking this moderator option off the comments.

Second, it has been suggested that we create a New Post on anyone that may have a "burning desire" or "question" that they would like answered. So, if you have a question or burning desire, please use the comment box or send me an email and I will publish it as a post. This way you can receive feedback from multiple people as to what they may have done to achieve serenity.

So, I like the idea of burning issues and seeking feedback. Talk about true anonymity! No one can even see what you look like! And we may not even know your name! So, feel free to ask, and I will publish the request/question.

My Fear

Al-Anon - Fear - Turning it over.

I met with the Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) yesterday. The GAL is a court appointed representative for the child.

There have been some issues about strange words and sentences coming out of my daughter mouth that seem to originate from grown-ups. I was VERY angry this weekend when I learned that some things are being said in front of a child during a divorce/custody case.

To me, and I am not trying to be self-righteous (or am I?), the child should be off to the side.

I think everyone will agree - even my qualifier. But because of anger, the affects of alcoholism, etc., maybe things are being said in earshot.

I should have called my sponsor this weekend. A voice inside my head called out three times to call him. The other voice said this was NOT Al-Anon related, so leave him alone. The other voice saying "don't call" was the ego - the voice wanted me to feed on the fear represented by anger. On Monday, I called him. Told him about the voices - and said, "Next time I am calling - even when I don't think it is Al-Anon related." He said, "Absolutely, because it ALL is!"

Interesting. What a friendship! What advice/guidance I receive from him. In truth, as soon as I speak my words out loud confidentially - I almost know what he is going to say. And I know what to do. I just need to "vent" or say the words out loud - almost as if I can measure what I am saying.

Anyway, my fears were unfounded yesterday. I cannot be specific here, but I found that my fear of me losing out - was not justified. I had created scenarios in my head Saturday that placed me in a bad state of mind. I have so much to learn, and the fact that I slipped back into my head and did not call, says I need more programming of the program. I am so grateful to have a program.

Last note, my daughter and her friend and I went roller blading at the park Sunday. It could have been a national disaster, as the trip to the big park was 25 minutes in the car - a lifetime for 11 year olds. And then the wrong socks - they brought footies! I have soooo much to learn. My daughter clinging on me every second - holding on for dear life. I brought them to the restaurant at the park. They have cement floors. I bought them Cokes. And sort of "left" them - to be on their own. They loved being their with all the cool park people.

They skated on the cement floors. When I "picked" them back up, my daughter was skating by herself. Wow! I guess the restaurant with chairs to hold onto and smooth floors was the training ground for them. I am sure two cute girls were no match for the patrons.

We went back down after school yesterday - me and her. There are no hills in the park, until you are wearing roller-blades. Then, any incline and decline becomes a mountain. Well, we went down a mountain yesterday, her clinging onto my arm, she fell twice and I was able to pull her back up before she fell again all in a matter of like 5 seconds. The spill - fortunately - was uneventful, except some park people looking at us - which caused embarrassment for her. I was relieved there were no scrapes as she was wearing really short shorts. Note to Joe: Long pants for her next time!

"Gee, Thanks for Sharing."

Al-Anon - a good one liner for people trying to provoke us.

I must admit, I stole this one liner. I stole it from the website - Loveandlogic.com

The website is about raising children and has some great articles. One of the articles is about "tease proofing" our children. The article discusses how a 2nd grade teacher taught his class a "cool look" and how to maintain it when being teased. It also gave a one-liner for the child to say back to the tormentor.

The one-liner "Thanks for sharing."

I thought, "How cool."

I was hooked by my qualifier last week. I engaged. I retorted. I gave my rebuttal.

But I lost serenity. Not a good trade.

It happened again yesterday when she called and told me how "unnice" I am.

Well, the next time someone says something that may trigger me, I am going to say, "Thanks for sharing." with no hostility or anger or sarcasm. I need to work on the cool look though. My child says I look anything but cool. "Geez, thanks for sharing!"

For more on my stealing here is the pdf http://www.loveandlogic.com/pdfs/teaseproof.pdf

A Request From A Reader

The following request was made by a reader. Here is her question. Please add your thoughts as you feel appropriate.

Just a word to the person making this request for advice. None of us are qualified to provide any advice . . . We can give you examples and ideas of what actions you could take. However, I say this with caution - the advice is worth exactly as much as you paid for it. We are not in your shoes. We have no emotional attachment. And we can hardly understand your situation.

BUT . . . There ARE some things you can do, such as; "Keep the focus on you" and what you can do to set up "boundaries" and "detach with love" . . . .

Here is the request from a reader:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I need advice. My husband has been cutting back on his alcohol usage. It was causing great pain within our marriage. His father is an alcoholic and alcohol is the bond shared between the two whenever they get together.

My mother in law has chosen not to ever discuss the pain in her marriage to an alcoholic and I respect that. I have mentioned to her several times that my husband, her son, struggles with abusing alcohol. Sadly, she points at me as being far from perfect,end of talk. At our most recent family gathering I mentioned to her that our marriage was improving since we were actively taking measures to address the alcohol abuse and he'd agreed to cut back.

A month goes by and she calls my husband via his cellphone and invites him home to New York to spend quality time with his father in a BAR watching and Irish football game for the weekend. I am hurt by her attempts to separate my husband from his family in TX and place him in an environment that he's weakest in.

Anytime spent with his father always revolves around excess beer drinking. She didn't invite me or speak with me about this. I'm pretty sure she knows how I'd feel. I feel she's not respecting me and our children. We have 3. They need a healthy father. I hoped she'd support his efforts to cut back and not place a gun to his disease.

Any thoughts on how I should respond? I feel she's not being respectful of me. Please help.

Thx in advance and sorry this is so long.

Sarcasm or Self-Effacing Humor Anyone?

Where I grew up, we all used sarcasm to one degree or another. Later in life, I learned how to use self-effacing humor. I would - essentially - poke fun at myself.

Also, I would use sarcasm, not a mean sarcasm, but what I considered to be a little good natured fun, a teasing, poking gentleness toward others. It was my way of showing my affection for the other person. I would do this with males and females (when I was single).

With females it is a form of flirting - this teasing thing. So I was always careful never tease a female when I was married.

At Al-Anon a few people in various meetings came up to me and asked me not to poke fun at myself. They did not like hearing me criticize myself. My response was a very "Really? Is that how you hear it?" A resounding "yes" would be the reply.

Let me give you an example of one time when I shared. I said, "Hi I'm Joe. I must be the biggest idiot in the entire eastern hemisphere because of what I did yesterday. Wait until you hear this . . . " Or something like that. I was using drama - for effect - and probably - no definitely - for laughter through being ridiculous by exaggeration.

I truly do not think I am the biggest idiot. There are far greater idiots than me.

You see, there it is again. That last sentence.

Is that sarcastic? Is that self-effacing?

The person, whom I respect very much, came up to me and said, "I like Joe. I don't like Joe criticizing Joe." Now, she is married. She isn't hitting on me. I would have thought that a LONG time ago - possibly. But she really meant what she said. Since that time, my humor is being observed to see if I do this often.

I can tell you I asked others in Al-Anon about self-effacing humor. They said, "No don't do it." My therapist, Sherpa, guide to places I am heading without a compass or map, said the same, "Stop it now."

However, there were two guys on a boat on the lake this weekend that said, "What? Self-effacing humor is great stuff. As long as you don't take it too seriously." Of course these guys are guys. These guys are a "type cast" set of guys - like the ones - from New Jersey, or Miami or boat (pronounced boat - meaning "both" - it's a NY or NJ or Miami accent - which by the way I don't have and I am neither condoning nor condemning - however - if you are in NY and you want to rumble - I will have to say "I can take on boat of yas" - meaning "both of you.").

Anyway. I am cutting back on the self-effacing humor. I am eliminating sarcasm all together.

I would like your thoughts on whether there is room for self-effacing humor in life.

This is just something - a pause

This probably has absolutely nothing to do with Al-Anon, but it may help you and help others.

I receive a lot of phone calls. Phone calls from some very bright and worldly people. But when they leave me a voice message, you would not believe the how fast they talk and how when they leave their phone number, the numbers run together and I have to jump back to the place in the voices message where they start to leave the return number. What a pain!

I wonder how many clients receive voice messages from sales people who leave their numbers and - maybe the client DOES want to return the call - but cannot understand the phone number left on their answering machine.

This last one - left by super smart guy - a Senior Vice President with a super good accent (Canadian accents are so clean and clear), but even he, as he was leaving his return number left no pauses between the area code and the next three numbers and therefore the numbers all ran together.

Instead of 800 pause 543 pause 1022, it became 8053122, or something like that.

Even after rewinding it three times - I think I got it. Someone once told me, I could slow down the voice message. Hmmmm, should I have to? Sure - if it's my boss, I guess I would have to. But shouldn't we know better?

Take your time when you leave a message. Put the pauses in there. And, repeat it again.

Maybe this is my sign of codependency kicking in or people pleasing, but it sure would be nice to have a clear number to call someone back on.