Note to Myself

It's hard. You come home. Expect the house to be in order - some semblance of neatness. Her eyes are puffy, the lips have a sort of sneer. I try not to stare. Try not to look to see if she has been drinking. It's hard.

I go to another room. I have tried talking to her and asking her "Have you had a drink today?" It's a stupid question. It's like asking a house burglar in your house, "Have you been out stealing?"

"Why, no. Of course not."

It's a stupid question. All I want is the truth. I have stopped seeking the truth. I feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for her. She didn't ask for this. She didn't say, "Hey, let me become an alcoholic, because alcoholics have more fun." It's a bummer all the way around. Who I really feel sorry for is my daughter.

Her mommy will not really see her when she comes home today. There will be no, "How was school today, little girl?" There will be no, "Let's sit down and talk about what you learned today." And no "How the other girls were mean/nice to you?"

I have to fill that role of mom and dad. Last night we watched (my daughter and I) Felicity. A cute movie about a girl during the Revolutionary War period who loved horses, and who always helped people. In the movie, Felicity is 10. My daughter is 10. My daughter sat next to me on the couch, and grabbed my hand during three parts. That was great. She has seen the movie now five times. My daughter can now repeat certain parts. Pretty cute. She's excited that I am sitting there watching the movie. She is more excited about telling me to, "wait until you see what happens next" which is even more cute. Here she is the boss. I am on her turf.

We are watching it together - alone - without mom. We watch it to learn more about the Revolutionary War, which she is studying in school. The movie now makes more sense to her. She did not know what a Loyalist was or a Patriot was. Now it all is coming together. Especially since she has studied for a test she has to take today.

I had to leave the house at 5:30AM this morning - for a client meeting. I was gone long enough for my wife to buy alcohol and drink it. Now she lays in bed stating she is headed to lay down, because she is not feeling well. I still look through her pocket book for a receipt. All I find is a huge bottle of gum. It a bottle of gum I never knew they made. It holds 60 chicklet size pieces of gum. I'd say there are twenty left. I was tempted to dump them out and count them. I didn't.

She does not like going to AA meetings. She thinks they are too negative and want to make her drink more. She is saying in the same breath hwoever, that she is going for her 30 day chip next week - next Thursday to be exact. There have been several days where I have "sensed" she had a drink or two. Of course she denies it. I don't fuss about it. Except I tell her, that it's more important to tell the truth, and don't make a bigger lie out of something by collecting a 30 day chip if you have had something to drink. It was the wrong thing to say. Damn it.

I wish she had a stronger sponsor. Her sponsor probably wishes she had a stronger sponsoree.

I left the house strong and full of vigor (what ever the hell that is). I came back to a house of cards and my shoulders are hunched down. I had a great meeting with my client and my staff. I was very pleased. Now I am home. Not so pleased. I am starting to spiral. It's like a whirlpool. Or a plane circling downward toward earth. It's the best way I can describe it. Even though I have never been in a plane circling toward earth or caught in a whirlpool.

I heard someone say that you can act yourself back into a positive state by controlling your posture - and how you are sitting and acting. I read; Act like you were proud and confident and happy. Think, "How would a strong, confident and happy person sit? How would he breath?"

Now sit this way. So, my shoulders go back. Now they are back. I am sitting upright. My stomach is in. My breath is deeper. I am breathing with more force through my nose. (I wonder if my nostrils will become enlarged.) It's a stray thought - but a thought. I am breathing down into my diaphragm -stomach. My chest and stomach are working to suck in air. My chin - it should be up. Hard to type with chin up. Try chin up and down while typing interesting - this is working. My head is going up and down. I look like a nut case. This reminds me of something . . .

My brother is a doctor. He is pretty well renown in certain circles (not my spiraling circles). For the mothers' of children reading this - I came from a large family. "Large" - what is that? More than four children let's say - in order to keep the anonymity. All of us made it through the cycle of having an alcoholic father. He had it tough. Very, very smart man, my father. Articulate. Beat us verbally when drinking. We learned big words, very quickly. We can denigrate people in the flick of a second. Cut 'em and mow'em down. We did that too. But we learned better - from the stinging words of a drunken father, but the kindness of a strong mother. We had a mother who taught us right from wrong. She would not be afraid of hitting us with a belt either. Good lady -still alive. Seeing her this weekend. Never knew how tough she had it. I tell her now - in deeper meaning - how grateful I am for kicking our asses and making us make something of ourselves. And holding us to higher standards than the people around us (our peers).

Anyway - back to doctor brother.

I am in a hotel room. I am having chest pains. (this is about seven years ago - so I did not die). I am concerned. I call dear doctor brother. I tell him what is happening. He listens.

He says: "Hmmm. Having chest pains. Try this. Brother, stick your right arm out straight."

THOSE OF YOU reading this may want to try this. It is a lesson in human anatomy and science. Something I had not known until now.

So I stick out my arm. Straight out.

Now he says; "Make a fist. Have you made a fist brother?" (you too reader).

"Yes" is my reply.

"Turn the fist so the knuckles are facing up, and make your fist tight. Is it tight? Now take the hand of your other arm and place it on the inside of the elbow - where it bends. Now hold out your arm straight, but bend the top portion of the arm - up and down twice. Fast." I do it.

Are you doing this? (I am in a hotel room, phone cradled between my shoulder and chin doing this, mind you.)

He says, "Now do it again. This time take the fist and rap it into your forehead three times."

I do it. I rap my head three times. I say, "Now what?"



"Do it again. And while you are doing it this time, ask yourself, "Knock, knock is anyone home? Go see a doctor you idiot."

Some brother.

I am breathing better.

Distrust

Yesterday, I flew back into the airport and went directly to an Al-Anon meeting. It was a good meeting. It's filled with men and women. And some children. We are all children, aren't we?

And: We all struggle. We are all human. We are all frail.

About Al-Anon and the people there: You will find some of the nicest people in the world here. I think I know why. We have removed the veneer off ourselves, to be ourselves. We have removed the facade. We are all people who have emotions and problems we deal with.

This is so much better than going to the neighbor's house for drinks. Everyone puts on the airs. Everyone tries to be what they want reflected outward.

In the meeting, this little poem was handed out. And we spoke about distrust and how trust had to be won back over time.

Here is the poem.

'Twas the night before tomorrow,

.........And all through the house,

I locked up my money,

.........And so did my spouse.

We hate to do it,

.........But now, it's a must,

Until our dear child,

.........Can earn back our trust.

..........................................................- An Ode to Families Anonymous

I think or used to think I was pretty smart. I based my whole life and business career on trust. In the past, if someone broke a promise, I would cut them out of my business life.

Today, I am not so sure I would. I might try to be more understanding and find out why they did not do what they said they would do.

Have Faith - By Getting Faith

I came across this passage that you may find useful today and for tomorrow. Especially since my post early this morning. It comes from the great physician Paracelsus. Paracelsus was a famous physician in the 16th century.

"The human spirit is so great a thing that no man can express it; could we rightly comprehend the mind of man, nothing wold be impossible to us upon the earth. Through faith, the imagination is invigorated and completed, for it really happens that every doubt mars its perfection. Faith must strengthen the imagination, for faith establishes the will. Faith must strengthen the imagination, for faith establishes the will."

My interpretation: Faith is personal. Faith is belief, and confidence. Faith has a positive connotation. Especially if you substitute his word, "imagination" for "mind" or "thinking." But belief in something negative or disastrous, can undermine all we do. This is doubt. Faith and doubt - two opposite sides of the spectrum or continuum.

And this from something published years ago;

"Faith comes from finding one's self."

Truer words were never spoken. This morning this filled me with peace, in that I can control my mind and what I think about in order to get peace.

Out of Town

My job requires me to travel. Today, last night, I am out of town. It usually means my qualifier - spouse - can go get wine and drink while my daughter is at school.

I worry about that. I used to worry a lot more. Why am I not worrying about this as much this time?

I think I know why. I used to think no one believed me, that my qualifier was an alcoholic or had a problem drinking. This made me crazy. I kept on trying to "prove" to others that she had a problem. Not overtly like Paul Revere riding through town. I think I did this because for the past several years my wife told her family and friends that I was an asshole (I can be sometimes - or was), and that I was a controlling person (this I never was, in fact, if I could delegate control and have someone else be in charge, I'd be very happy).

So,

Anytime I said something about thinking that my wife was drinking today, that I would think people looked at me "as just being that asshole again - just making an excuse to try to curtail by controlling my wife's drinking."

So,

Why am I not worried - or as worried as I used to be? Is the answer because now we all know she does have a problem, and that if I ask for help, I can get it?

I still carry the three bottles of wine in the trunk of my car, that I fished out of a trash container in front of a major grocery store, in broad daylight, with nice people with children going in and out of this past summer. Fishing three bottles out of a trash container is a funny story, of which I am very proud of (proud is a word that is a little blustery - "OK with" might be better). But others in Al-Anon that I have told that story to, may have them wondering about me and my sanity. It is a funny story though - we'll tell it soon. You can decide whether to laugh at me or with me. And the good news is, I will never know :-) !

So,

Why the three bottles still in the trunk of my car? The answer is, I think, because the power of decepton was so great, that I doubted myself when I thought she was drinking. And I began to think I was the one with the problem. I was the one who some how caused this drinking, or this argument, or this sense of worthlessness I sometimes feel at home, or any of the other multitude of problems our marriage faced(s). The three bottles are a reminder, that I am not crazy. That she did drink them in 35 minutes, from her friends house, on the way home, to our house, so she wouldn't have "lost time" in the day.

So,

Why am I not worried? I am going to ponder this. I hope I don't get myself worried by pondering.

Oooops. I almost did it. You know, I am not going to ponder. This is one of those things below the surface, that is scratching the thin veneer trying break through to cause me to spiral until I spiral out of control. I will not ponder. Move on and through it.

This morning I am going to workout. I am going to substitute one thing for another (workout for a ponder). Then shower up and head to Starbucks and read something inspirational. I carry with me a pocket sized book of The Secret Formula for Total Success (now called Beyond Positive Thinking). Don't be put off with the title. It explains how your mind works and how to make it work for things you want to achieve, be, have, etc.

Just For Today

I love "Just for Today." I try to read them first thing in the morning. They are beautiful. They inspired me Saturday to shut up at Al-Anon. I go to my home meeting on Saturdays to rant a little bit. I tell myself it's cathartic. I love that too. "Cathartic." It is my excuse to complain and criticize without being judged or advised. I use the word "cathartic" as my excuse to rant. What a cop-out. Is that still a term? "Cop-out."
What a loser I have become on some days. I am or was, a big person. Tall. Big. No one messed with me. I have a good job. A big title. No one messes with me here, because of my title. And my "official" sounding voice.

I am a big shot.

Yeah. Right. If they only knew.
I am - for all intents and purposes - a whimp.

A disease has pushed me to seeing I am not in control, I am no longer at the helm, that the ship I am on, is going over the side of the earth - into a weird sort of abyss. What the hell am I doing?
I have missed more conference calls, missed a meeting with my boss (Yep, I have one of them, so I can't be too far up the foodchain), and I have forgotten the silliest of things that I would normally remember.

"Keep on coming back." That's what they kept yelling to me, every time I whined I at Al-Anon.

I thought, "What a bunch of nice, good-hearted, morons." And I am the biggest moron of all. How come we all feel like we are out of control? What are they saying?

God Bless them. They are smart people.

Just for Today.

I decided, TODAY damn it, will be different. I am in control of the only thing I can ever be in control of. And that is MY MIND and What I THINK ABOUT. And it is going to start Right Now!

So I promise, Just for Today, I will: Be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that 'Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.'

I read that quote in three different places the day before and I wasn't looking for the quote. Are you trying to tell me something, God? Okay. Today, I will listen.

And because I am an over-achiever (someone who tries to make up for their insecurity by trying to out-do everyone else) I will do another Just for Today to show I am serious.

Just for Today I will: Be agreeable. I will look as good as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything & not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

I took these two Just for Today's and I applied them. No more excuses. No more catharsis crap. And they helped. Thank God. I have a little bit of peace.

Just for Now On - Just for Today.

Just for Today.

I Tried Something New at Al-Anon

This week I made a decision. It was simple.

I would not
complain today at
Al-Anon.

I noticed that the last few times I came out of Al-Anon feeling sorta good. But later I would regret something I said, or how much I said, or how I said it.

I looked back and said "What a sorry person I am." I was complaining and frankly, bitching. While I have had it tough, others needed my inspiration. Today, I said, I would try something different.

My decision was "To shut up."

As the meeting progressed, I listened to people beat themselves up. I listened to the regret. I listened to the sorrow. It was heart wrenching to listen to these people - who are so genuine - kill themselves with their thoughts.

Today, I would not join in. Today I would "shut up." Do you know where this is going?

Yep. I was not quiet. But today, then, I would show some leadership and try to help. Today we talked about one of the slogans; "Progress, not perfection."

We as relatives of alcoholics and addicts try to make order out of the chaos. The disease is about disorder, about turbulence, about not being dependable and reliable. The disease takes a nice person and makes them erratic, irresponsible and emotional. It eradicates all chances of a relationship and pleasantness. And worst, the alcoholic, cannot help it. The disease has taken hold of their mind. It has in some ways made them "possessed."

This last point - is totally my opinion. What is not my opinion is the following: There is one camp that believes alcohol is a "character defect." The other camp believes it is a disease.

The two camps are divided. We as members of the "other side" start off thinking it is a character flaw. We ask simple questions of the alcoholic like;

• How come you can't stop drinking?



• Don't you know what you are doing to yourself?



• Don't you see what you are doing to others?

And the list goes on. Sooner or later our frustration leads to arguments. Arguments lead to more frustration. More frustration leads to chaos in the family - worst off - it affects the children. They get affliction of over dependence too, the acting out for attention, and their striving for perfectionism.

I am thinking I am ranting now. But I hope you see what I am talking about in your own world. My advice here, and it is difficult, is to strive for understanding and a "letting go" of things that are out of your control.

The first step to letting go is remember alcoholism is not a character defect - it is a disease. And if you remember that this disease is cunning, like the devil himself, it does not want to reveal itself to you or others, especially to the alcoholic. It is cunning like nothing else. It makes a perfectly good and honest person lie and deceive. It will take deception to a level and art form you have never seen or could fathom.

One of the deceptions is it makes you think you are going crazy - as the spouse. It causes you to doubt yourself. It makes you think you are crazy and therefore, you want to find the evidence of the drinking too much by finding bottles, cans and receipts. (I Know - I been there - got the t-shirt factory). It makes the alcoholic tell others you are nuts. Which adds fuel to the fire and sets you up in a spiral to try and prove you are right and not crazy.

Step 1 - STOP. You no longer have to prove you are right or that your spouse of loved one is drinking or has a problem. Everyone of us has been there. You may find solace in this. But your job is to STOP. Or you become addicted to Proving Yourself. It becomes your obsession. This becomes your illness.

Step 2 -STOP. You no longer have to strive for perfection. You don't have to have everything PERFECT.

May be this will help. Back to the Al-Anon meeting I mentioned above. I listened to the people who are so nice trying to understand themselves. I decided to help or try to. I told them of a verse in a book the said essentially this:

You and I ARE PERFECT.

Everyone is made PERFECT, if you believe in a higher power. He or she makes no junk. There you and I and everyone else is perfect. What we do, may not always be perfect. When you reflect on this, it may give you comfort and peace. And the fact, that maybe,

Just maybe, Perfection is, not doing things perfectly.

Step 3 - Progress. In the meeting - someone, a lot of someones, said, they were not progressing. That they had to come back and redo a certain step in Al-Anon (one of the 12 Steps). They felt (all) bad. I said, "Who says, 'Progress is going forward?' What if progress means we have to go backwards sometimes? What if progress comes down to relearning a step we covered before and relearning it from the new state of mind we have today which is at a higher level than we had several months ago?

Who says 'Progress means going
forward?'

I hope you find peace of mind. I have come across a few beautiful blogs/websites which I shall post on the side of this blog.

PEACE