10 + Things That Have Helped Me ... Maybe They Will Help You

Here are some things that have helped me. I want to share these with you - all of you. They may sound simple, too simple. But what I have learned is this; all great things in life are simple. It's our failure to practice them that makes it hard.

1. Here is something I USED to do and have started to do it again. It restored some of my better thinking to what it used to be. It is this; Get sleep. You need 7 to 8 hours of sleep. I have read numerous studies how a lack of sleep will make you sick. It makes you gain weight. It makes you irritable. I try to have the house buttoned down and locked up by 9PM. My child is in bed by 8:30PM. Then, I spend time reading something "inspirational" - today I am reading "Total Self-Confidence" (I am re-reading it - it is about HOW YOU THINK. It is NOT about power and manipulation.) I turn off the telephone. Sometimes I unplug it!!! I cannot stand when people break the, "Don't call past 9PM rule" (albeit - it is an unwritten rule - Has any one besides me heard of this rule???)

2. Get up - at 5AM. Shower up, go downstairs, get the coffee going. And read again. Same thing. Read something inspirational. I also studied business books to turn my professional career around. Now I am back to inspirational. They make me feel good and they make me a better person and leader at home and at work. The books I read are written by experts, by the way and I model myself after the ideas and people in the books. The art of sitting and reading takes tons of discipline - (which is exactly what we need to practice right now) -

Harry Ward Beecher said, "The first hour of the morning is the rudder of your day." And he was right. Start it off by reading something that will set your mind right and the course for your day heading in the direction.

This little tool, reading early in the morning, for at least one-hour, sent me from rags to riches. It didn't keep me from marrying an alcoholic however! But today, it will SAVE your sanity.

3. Go to the Public Library. Get books on "How To Think" - they are usually labeled as "Self Help" by people who try to make people feel bad about reading them. You will find very inspirational stories that will make you feel better. Going to the library is something we should all do more often. The books are free!!!

4. Fire the paperboy. Do not read the the paper in the morning. It's full of bad news. YOU do not need bad news.

5. Turn off the TV at night before you go to bed. If the first hour in the morning is the rudder of your day, and sometimes called the "Golden Hour", then the last hour, the hour before you fall off to sleep is the "Magic Hour" since it is what you are feeding your mind to dream about. Think of the first morning hour and the last evening hour as bookends - Positive bookends to your day. You don't need to hear about the rape or killing before you go to sleep at night ! (and you know it! don't you?) Admit it. There is nothing good on TV that you cannot live with out!

6. Make lists of things to do. (Your "To Do's"). After you read in the morning for an hour, (by the way, I found myself starting this at 6AM first, then I got up at 5:30AM and then 5AM, and then I was up at 4:30AM - so I could get more reading in!! It's exhilarating!!) make a list of the thing you want to get done today. Work from a list and force yourself to write everything down. When you complete an item on the list, take a pen and strike through the item. There is a great sense of relief and excitement to seeing things knocked off the list. Even if it is small - like calling the paper to cancel delivery!!

7. Eat right. Exercise too. With stress - and let's face it - we are STRESSED out to the MAX!!!! We need relief. Food may become our addiction. Don't let it. Many women become binded up inside - if you know what I mean. You feel bloated - which puts you in a bad mood. Well, men have this problem too. But it is more prevalent with women. So watch out what you eat. Watch out for cheeses, pastas and fatty foods at this time.And exercise. Even if you just do sit-ups, squats, or push ups, do something. Exercise is important now.

8. When reading in the morning, try to get close to a window with the sunrising. You will absolutely see the prettiest sunrises ever AND there is something magic in the morning about the sun coming up and in through the window, first thing in the morning. I am beating this reading and morning thing to death because when I have given this advice to others, and they followed it, they have become BRAND new people. But you have to MAKE THIS A HABIT and NEVER LEAVE IT. I left it. I became lazy. It was because I started staying up past 9;45PM at night. I was too busy and it affected my life - in a bad way.

9. Get out of the house if you are working from home. Even if it is to go to have coffee outside the home. Get out and see people, if you don't work or work from home.

10. Write out affirmations. And say them out loud. Do this in the morning. Affirmations are positive, present tense, and personal (3 P's). There is magic in writing them and saying them out loud 0 with a touch of enthusiasm. Do these 10 every day AND Watch your life TURN AROUND. You will feel good. You will attract positive things and people to you. Live each day as ONE BIG POSITIVE affirmation.

11. Turn off your car radio if going to work or just driving around. Listen to Anthony Robbins, Jim Rohn, Brian Tracy or someone who will teach you how to think better. Listen to someone positive and optimistic or educational. The average person drives over 7 hours a week. That's 364 hours a week. That's 9 forty hour work weeks in your car or 2 to 4 university semesters you could be using to learn something new just by driving around!!

12. Go To Al-Anon. Only they will know what you are going through. However, watch the negative talk you find yourself doing after the first 10 meetings. While you want to vent, you want to shift the spot light off the alcoholic and on to yourself!!!

13. Stop hanging around people who pull you down. Really really stop. No matter who they are. Do not get sucked into a negative conversation. Stop if it happens by saying, "Let talk about this person's positive traits today." or say, "Let's talk about what we are going to do to become better people." Or - just say, "I have got to go - I forgot I had to do something." Avoid negative people like the plague.

14. Cultivate an "Attitude of Gratitude." Stop talking about negative things and look for the good in all things ad people. This is an attitude of gratitude. Say, "I am grateful because of _____ ." If you write this out - and think about what you are grateful for, you will focus your energies on the positive. Even if you have to say, "Thank you God, that I did not become the alcoholic." As horrible as that might sound, think about it. What if this was you? What if you became the person with the addiction? "Oh my God!" is what I said, when I asked myself this question. And I said to myself, "This thing "- that happened to my wife - "was perhaps my wake up call." (I stopped drinking completely - just in case it was a wake up call from God) I am grateful that I did not get such a terrible disease. So now I am thinking about little things I take for granted: I am thankful that I have a house with a good roof. I am thankful I have a computer and I can type with my fingers. I am thankful I can see! I am grateful for ____. Dr. Martin Seligman (that Positive guy who studied optimism) found an attitude of gratitude is singularly responsible for authentic happiness, and living a long life.

15. Make your mind up that this IS the only life you are going to have on this earth. No matter how bad you feel - you are going to FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT. Pretend if you have to. You are going to act like you are happy, and you are going to act like you are positive, and you are going to act like you are the nicest and best person in the world. You are going to act saintly. When you "act" - you find yourself truly acting and feeling better. It's a psychology tool you can use. When you are feeling down, pretend you are an actor and have to act a part or role. It changes you in about 5 minutes of acting and pretending. Further, let's you and I stop thinking about and conjuring up all the crap we have lived with and gone through. Let's you and I take all the crap we have gone through and bury it - let's really bury it!! You and I are going to visualize it all being stuff into a large sack - one item at a time - getting stuffed into that sack. And you are going to bury it in the backyard - deep in a hole - never to be unearthed ever again. Visualize this - try it and see it happening. You may have to bury this crap (visualize this) 10 or 20 times before it take affect.

16. Last - never be too proud to say "I am sorry." If you have a hard time with these words - try these "I apologize." Say it with strength and say it with conviction. There is power in these two words "I apologize." No more. No explaining. Just those words. For men - who think apologizing is weak - it is the opposite. Only the strong can apologize. And take this too; Say, "I appreciate you."

I write this post for me today and I hope for you too got something out of it.

PS - Remember this is all for you. This is a get-well program for you. The addict is never mentioned here. When your loved one sees changes in you, he or she will be - let's say - fascinated.

PPS - And there are some friends who are reading this - who have addictions - You too can practice these 12 tools and have tremendous results I believe. There is nothing "super ordinate" about these practices.
I can tell you these do take time. But the pay off is feeling better and you will see your life turn around.

Treatment Center - A Problem Occurred

In an earlier Blog Post I mentioned my qualifier was going to start a treatment program. Also, she was on track for her 30 day chip.

Unfortunately, my wife went to the treatment center after drinking 4 bottles of wine - the smaller 4 pack - now conveniently packaged for all.

Apparently drinking before going to the program was not a good move as I received a call from my wife - from the center. (note: I am being facetious, not serious, tongue in cheek)

She blew twice the legal limit (1.6?) into a breathalyzer.

Note: It took her 6 hours to become sober enough to be allowed to drive home. She sat in the center until she was sober.

You may think yesterday was a bad day. On the contrary, I think it was a good day. Here's why:

1. I learned that I could stop having to prove to others that there was a drinking problem. Suddenly, I felt at peace. It's weird what we go through. We are filled with self-doubt, as in; is there a problem; do others think I am exaggerating?; Am I going crazy? This by the way, spills over into other areas of life, like work, friends, etc.
2. She learned how "drunk" she was. She learned she was 2 times the legal limit. She never, ever, could have guessed how drunk she had gotten.
3. She never knew it took 6 - yes - 6 hours - to get below what was considered drunk, in order to drive home.

Maybe this is a wake-up call for my wife. The center was very professional. I won't go through the whole story, but they pulled her out of the "class" and had her sit. They didn't chastise, they didn't judge. They said, they will use this as a learning experience with her and the rest of her class. It will be used as I was told by the councilor said, "To explain and show others, how conniving and deceitful alcohol can be.

I found out - later - when my 10 year-old came home, that my wife went to the school drunk and worked with the class for 30 minutes before she went on to the treatment center. The fact that she drove to the treatment center and to school is something I have been worried about for a long time. The fact that she went to the school is a bad thing, as now it involves, my daughter and her school, which is something I do not feel good about.

Monday With Mom (continued)

Mom's departing advice. (See previous BLOG POST for more information and advice. You may recall, I came to visit mom while on a business trip. I am still here. Returning home today.)

Before I tell you the advice she gave me, you should know she spent over 30 years living with an alcoholic. We all grew up okay (whatever okay is today). My brother is a doctor (renown in his field), my brother is an entrepreneur (very successful), other brothers have good jobs, sister is writer and has full time job. All are "normal." I guess this is mom's resume and qualifications.

Here is the advice:
"Your main job is getting your daughter raised. Teach her what you know about things. Teach her how to run, read, study, get along with people and so on. Teach, teach, teach. And sometimes when she "doesn't want to" - you have to "force" her to do something." (I use the word "force" as I would "encourage" and "give no option". For example, get the tennis racket and go hit tennis balls, or teach her to stand correctly when hitting the balls. Or take her to the museum and "force" her to see things and experience things the TV or couch cannot provide. This is what I mean by "force." Just want to make sure you don't visualize me grabbing her and throwing her into a car!).

"Your wife ..." she went on to say ".....can only get better with her own doing. You cannot make her get better. So don't allow the family to be focused on the alcoholic by you becoming focused on the alcoholic. You can be supportive, but you must try to live your life as normally as possible so this can be a role model and example for her to live by."

Wow. This struck me hard this morning. I hope this helps you.

Best wishes

Monday - Mom's Diagnosis & Prescription

I am at mom's house. It is good to see mom. She knows what is happening in my life. She gives me advice. She cools my jets. She doesn't make me feel guilty. She puts things in perspective. She takes no sides. She is a doctor in many ways, like all mothers can be.

But I must be clear - she listens - she listens more than she prescribes. She does not condemn my wife. She does not take sides. I am also careful not to blame my wife and I do not pummel her reputation. She remembers my father and his drinking. She remembers what it did to her.

So, my mother and I sit at the kitchen table talking, remembering . . . , it's too hard too remember. Not because the memory is a distant past, it is hard to remember because - it was a painful childhood, that is buried. It is covered with dirt. I had buried the past. But now I am forced to remember.

I stop the conversation and get try to keep the past buried and apply what we - mother/wife, and son/oldest son, have learned.

• First of all, you, son are in control of how you respond. Remember son, you are responsible. Not in the sense of alcoholism. But in the sense of response-able. You have the ability to respond. And it is your ability to respond that can add or lessen the moment. Remember, you are response-able. I remember this from Stephen Covey's books. It's in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People or in Principled Centered Leadership. She also states, "Yes this is easy for me to say, now that I am not in it. I know it is hard. No one will ever know what it is like to be in the house of an alcoholic and understand the impact on the people (family specifically) around it."
• Second, I remember, what she told me growing up. It was simple, it was these words; "You can become anything you want to become." I did not understand what they meant at the time. But she was prodding me, pushing me, to have a better life than the kids I hung around with.
• Third, "Who cares what other people think." I remember this one because of the peer pressure of children and growing up. We all were concerned what other people thought of us and whether we were going to be liked. I think as children and still as adults, we care sometimes way too much about what others are thinking about - and how they perceive us. I think this may even more true for children of alcoholics. "Who cares what other people think" is followed by, "You will probably never see these other kids again - so don't worry about what they think or what they do now." We are so concerned about what others think. I remember this saying, "Don't be concerned about what other people are thinking about you, because in reality, you actually may be more hurt when you learn how little they think about you."

I recall, the biggest saying, the most powerful verse, I have ever read. This is a summary law, that encapsulates all mom has told me. It is in the Bible. It is in the Koran. It is stated in all religions in one form or another. It is a universal truth. It is this:

.............................. "We become, what we think about most of the time."

This saying - this universal law - had a big effect on my life. It is this, you can control only one thing; your thoughts. And whatever you are thinking, most of the time, you become. Whatever you fill your head with, whatever the predominant thought is, you act and behave in a manner consistent with that thought or belief. So, if this is true, and it is, then the statement below is also true:

.................................. "Change your thinking and you change your life."

I hope this has helped you as it has helped me.

PS - My wife starts a treatment program today. It is outpatient.

PPS - I am not changing the moon out.

It Was Smooth Sailing Until Last Night

I went to a meeting yesterday morning. It was a good one. The person who ran the meeting was married to an addict for a long time. She is very articulate. She has a good job. I love listening to her speak. She is so smart.

I sat in Al-Anon today - silent. I could not add to the conversation and discussion. I tried to think what to add but I could not - it was perfect (or as near to perfect in my mind - I remember my previous Blog about progress not perfection).

I left in Peace - hence my little moon in the right hand corner. I love that little moon. It reminds me of my daughter when she was a toddler. There was a book called - was it - Mr Moon? She loved for me or my wife to read that to her. It had a great moon of the front of the book.

I think I need to change out "Mr. Moon."

It was time to decorate the Christmas Tree - or so I found out at 4:47PM yesterday. I found a movie I wanted to watch. I got "pressured" into turning it off. It irritated me that I had asked Friday, twice, and Saturday morning twice, "When are we planning to decorate the tree? I have to leave tomorrow morning don't forget ...." I said, said I. (I had to leave on business Sunday, this morning, until Tuesday. I am thinking about coming home Monday night so my wife won't be tempted to drink Tuesday. Co-dependent? Not I.)

The answer to my questions - both Friday and Saturday - were vague. I should have pressed. Didn't. I am not a "presser." I should have closed with a specific time. It was my fault as well. It is one of those boundary things we should do - I have learned. "We are to do this at this time. OK? Okey Dokey."

I turned off my movie - it was a cool movie - I am not sure what the title was. It was a little weird. Sandra Bullock had a small part. So did some other stars. It was about kindness and wrongs. It was a "surreal" movie in that the parts were mini-stories and the mini-stories made up a larger story where everything - I believe - comes together - because I didn't see the end. It was in LA - about the police and crime ...

I came to the room, where the tree was and there was no one. I asked - are "Doing the tree?" The answer, "Oh, ok." My daughter took off for next door. She wanted to invite the little girl next door. Of course I am a little hacked, because this is supposed to fun and a family thing. I say, "No." to my daughter's request to inviting the girl next door over (Why?). My daughter is now hungry, (pobably hurt too). And when was the last time she had a snack? I am not sure. "I gave to a fruit roll-up." was the response. This is pure sugar. Don't let the "Fruit" part of the name, "Fruit Roll-up" fool you. (I explain to you reader - who may not have seen this or partaken in such a candy.) I also explained to my wife who should - I believe know these things too.

This is where "Hell broke loose." My wife said "You do this all the time. You make Christmas miserable." Of course - I am not a happy camper. I hate blame. I really hate it when it aimed at me. I of course blew up and said, "You??? Are you kidding me??? If it wasn't for your drinking we would not be in this place. I wouldn't have had to go to an Al-Anon meeting this morning - a meeting which takes up all my Saturday morning ...." Yadda, yadda, yadda. And so the story goes. The negative forces and criticism and self-destruction were lurking just barely under the surface. These little fires were stoked by Resentment - the Prince of Hate and Anger.

A bad evening. We all sat at dinner and ate the frozen lasagna my wife and daughter picked up from Target. In silence.

I leave this morning in a few hours - feeling guilty and remorseful. The roller coaster of emotion will have to change too.

My apologies to all. I did not perform well last last night. I allowed myself to get sucked in to the dysfunction. Last night I was not a leader, a beacon of hope. I screwed up.

I hate taking down the moon and putting the roller coaster up.

Just For Today

Practice these guidelines daily. Learn them by reading them first thing in the morning and last things before going to bed at night. "Just For Today" is a great tool for all of us to live by. They cultivate character, the goodness within all of us. They are beautifully written and will fill you with hope and faith through inspiring us all to act with gentleness and kindness, no matter how we are being treated. Here they are in their original form.



Just for today I will try to live through this day only & not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that 'Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.'

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is & not try to adjust everything else to my desires. I will take my 'luck' as it comes & fit myself into it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study; I will learn something useful; I will not be a mental loafer; I will read something that requires effort, thought & concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn & not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count; I will do at least two things I don't want to do-just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as good as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything & not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry & indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself & relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.Just for today I will be unafraid. I will enjoy that which is beautiful & will believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.