Breaking Co-Dependency - Second Step

"If you think you are dependent upon another individual -you are!" Dr. Robert Anthony

Our Circles - Who We Are and What We Do
Whenever we see a loved one's life in disarray, part of us wants to jump in and manage it. Think of a circle drawn around a person's feet. The circle represents who that person is. The circle is their work life, their family and the interaction with the family, their obligations - like paying the bills, household duties, etc. It represents their promises and commitments, their hopes and dreams and their beliefs - such as religion, politics, self, etc.

We all have a circle. Don't reflect on the size of the circle. Just visualize this.

When we see someone step outside the circle, they stop paying the bills, they don't go to their work, - they don't do what they are supposed to do . . .

The person - us - wants to "fix" things. And we "jump into their circle." We still have ours - by the way! We try to manage or help the other person by managing the things they have to get done.

"No" is a Complete Sentence.
We still try to manage and get done the other things we have to do too. We - in essence - are doing the work of two!!!! Let me give you some examples:

1. We pay the bill for a son who got the DUI.
2. We allow the son to borrow money from us to go buy something they cannot afford (nor can we - by the way!).
3. We call into the office of our spouse to tell the people there, that our spouse is sick today, and cannot make it.
4. We tell people when our spouse is passed out drunk, that they had a long week and are tired.

We make excuses, we do things for them, we allow them to "get off the hook" by not facing reality. At the same time our lives become unmanageable. We cannot manage two lives. Hell, we can barely manage our own. What in the world makes you think you can do both????

This is where we become sick. We become unmanageable. Our children suffer. Our work suffers. We feel like we are a prisoner - in some odd manner.

Visualize yourself standing, one foot in the addicts circle and another foot in your circle. The addict has drifted out of their circle. He or she sees someone managing the circle. They may think, "I don't need to come back. Some body (you) is taking care of me (my circle - my obligations."

Or -The addict may think, "I will keep drinking" (or using). They don't even care about their circle (their old self). They are "not in reality." Their drinking becomes worse. They reality is further covered up.

You - So you are helping - trying to stabilize and keep things together. You are in two lives. Here's what happens;

1. You are trying live both and doing a "sucky" job doing it - and you know it.


2. Sooner or later you start to lose your identity.


3. Sooner or later you don't remember you are.


4. You have glimpses of a life - a previous life you lived. You see this old self.


5. You miss your "old self". You get "pissed off." You want it back.


6. Your anger becomes misdirected.


7. You lash out at people at your office (the last place you want to do this by the way).


8. You lash out at your spouse's family (and you become labeled a "bitch" or an "asshole" - and of course you feel guilty/bad about this and you think they think "No wonder he/she drinks." adding more guilt/bad feelings to your psyche).


9. You may lash out at your children about something trivial.


10. You begin to isolate yourself because you don't want to "burden others."


11. You feel stuck. You are in a death spiral.

Break it. Say, "No." The word "No" is a complete sentence. It's a long-time get well process. It doesn't happen over night. It takes courage and one small step at a time. Because you have to "ween" others off it too - the ones who know you are always there for them.

Next post - More on co-dependency. By the way, who am I to write about co-dependency? I am "Mr. Co-Dependency" and don't you forget it! I write this today, with the full knowledge I can break this, but tomorrow, I am back. This post is dedicated to the therapists at the clinic, who will remain nameless and who are so dedicated that they give out their time almost 24 by 7 to family and addicts. God Bless them. I do not know how they do it.

Last, the work here is from Virginia Satir. Satir served as the director of training at the Mental Research Institute in Palo Alto from 1959-66 and at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur beginning in 1966. In addition, Satir gave lectures and led workshops in experiential family therapy across the country. She was well-known for describing family roles, such as "the rescuer" or "the placator," that function to constrain relationships and interactions in families (Nichols & Schwartz, 1998. Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods. 4th ed. Allyn & Bacon).

Breaking Co-Dependency - First Step

Here are some ways to break co-dependency. I would be more than happy to post anyone who has ideas and methods they have used in the past. Just put it in the comment box, and I will place in tomorrow's blog post.

FIRST - STEP 1
Learn how you feel when you are asked to do something. What is the feeling you get from it? Is there a sense of satisfaction that someone thought well of you to ask you for help?

This is not necessarily a bad thing. Who in the world doesn't feel some sense of satisfaction of being thought well of by others? But getting praise versus recognition - are two different things.

It's when you get your sense of self-worth, your internal barometer of how worthy you feel of yourself as a person, from others opinions of you, that you may be in trouble.

PRAISE
One form of praise is being asked by someone to help them out. How we love to be praised. Like a dog, we sometimes set ourselves up to be loyal and "always there" on command. And the command is, "Can you help me?" or it is telegraphed, not stated, "I need some one's help . . ."

We get an emotional "high" from it. They become in a sense a "pusher" and we become the "addict." We become addicted to the "approver" - the pusher. The pusher "approves" of us, and we feel "accepted" which makes our self-worth rise. Our self-worth is the value we place on ourselves as "good" or "bad" or perhaps "smart" or "stupid." Our self-worth is how we value ourselves in - and this is a key word - in comparison to others. While the comparison to others is not a good measuring stick - it is worse. Because in co-dependency we are compared to others by someone else. And if this is not stated by the pusher, it is in our minds.

When we seek praise or adoration of others - we set ourselves up for failure. Why? Because we will never be perfect all the time, in the eyes of others. You are on a perpetual treadmill, and the problem is, the other person, the pusher, will never be able to give you what you need all the time - the praise you seek, the acceptance you need and now crave.

Action Exercise: When you don't get the praise - what happens to your feelings? Stop here and think about this just for 5 minutes. Take out a pen and list your feelings out.

Now, did you write out any of the following words:
Anger
Depression
Sadness
Hopeless
Emptiness
The feelings of "I can't do anything right." or "I must not be good enough."

There may be other feelings you get. But the important thing here is to recognize this; You are not alone. And more importantly, you are co-dependent. Your "disease" is your sense of self is derived from helping others.

To break this you must recognize when you are setting your self up for failure. Ask yourself:
1. Am I doing this for this person because I want them to see me as a good person?
2. Am I doing this because I have done this for them all the time?
3. Is this a person I look up to or need their approval of what I do?
4. Is this something I don't have time for, will impact what I had planned to do instead?
5. If I don't do it, will they think that I am selfish?

The next time, get into your head. Think about your thinking and therefore your feelings.

The next time say the following, with genuineness and kindness, when someone asks you for help that maybe you are "addicted" to helping;
"I'd love to help out. But I have other plans. Let me know how it turns out."
"I can't get to it right now, can it wait until later?"
"Can you do that for yourself? I am in the middle of something right now."

These are kind ways of saying "No, I can't." They are not meant to be mean. Start here and try these this week - for an entire week (of course modify the sentences to meet your situation). The exercise is not meant to drive the other person away, it is meant to break your need for the other person's approval.

Next Post - Breaking Co-Dependency - Second Step

10 Co-dependency Questions

Below I gathered information from various articles and books I have read and put them in the form of questions to determine if you are co-dependent. Let there be a little light shed here on this point.

Co-dependency is not about the alcoholic. It is about you and how you are caring about yourself (or not caring about yourself). And if you are co-dependent, you are not a bad person.

Last, let me say this about co-dependency. I know I may catch some flack on this one, as I do not agree with the 12 pages of adjectives listed in Melody Beattie's renown best seller on Co-dependent No More. According to her list, if we are all co-dependent. I feel like she was afraid to leave some word off her 12 page list of adjectives which translates; "If you have one of these descriptors, then you are co-dependent."

Anyway, it's a good book and far be it from me to judge it bad or wrong, as I own two copies and recommend it to everyone because there is not much written on the topic.

So here are some questions to ask yourself to determine if you have a chronic "helping" behavior pattern that may be related to a co-dependent personality.

1. How easy can you say; "No" to helping someone? Is it hard? Too hard, that you give in, even when you don't have time? Or at the expense of what you need to do for yourself? (i.e. exercise

2. Do you feel better when you are offering help and doing the work? Does your value or self-worth seem to increase when you are "needed"?

3. Do your feelings get hurt when you are not appreciated for the "sacrifices" you are making, that no one else recognizes? Do you feel angry, resentful or unappreciated when you have helped someone or the same person or group of people?

4. If you did say "No", would you feel guilty? Would you have an urge to call them back and tell them "Okay, you'll manage?"

5. Do you wind up doing a majority of the work by offering to help someone?

6. Are a majority of your relationships built around helping others? Do you find that people rarely help you? Or that when they do offer help, you "cannot" accept it because it makes you feel uncomfortable?

7. Is the role of helping others a more comfortable and natural role for you to play in your relationships?

8. Do you "worry" too much about what other people think? Are you looking for"signs" in the other person, to determine how you should feel that day (i.e. your mood cannot be better than their mood). Do you wonder what the other person is doing right now? (did they go to work? are they drinking? are they going to drink?)

9. Do you make excuses in your mind about why you should help others, even when helping others, means putting someone close to you (i.e. your children) on a back burner?

10. Is the person or people you constantly help, what seems to be chaotic lives? Or they have a series crises one after another? Do the people you help have addiction problems?

11. Bonus Question: Did you grow up in a family where things were not spoken about, secrets were kept, and mother kept the family functioning? Did you or someone else have to become a "substitute dependable adult" as a child?

Al-Anon - For You? or Not? A Great Article I Found

I hope you have had a good weekend. I had a sort of bad day yesterday. I was sucked into an a lively discussion on how screwed up I am. Great. Tell me something new. Except this came from my qualifier. Of course I walked away! Yeah, right. I fired my shot or two back. Then I walked away.

Anyway, here is a great link that will help many of you reading About Alcoholism

Alcoholic Spouse; Disengage - What Happened?

OK. I kind of left last week with my spouse blowing 2times the legal amount into a breathalyzer. (See this Post For More Details).

It was an eye opening for her, and me too. I finally felt relieved that it was "official" that I was not making up the fact that she has a drinking problem.

So, where are we?

I have a strange sense of peace - KNOWING and being sure of what I knew. But some where along the line, I felt a "doubt" - probably for the fact that I want to believe that my spouse and my mate would never deceive me, never lie to me. The fact that I WANT to trust and believe and rely on someone to help ME sometimes and be there for me when times are tough.

This may not make sense for some. I am not a weak man. I am pretty independent. But maybe in my "independence" and "self-reliance" - I have used these as tools to cover-up and remove the potential of being hurt.

So, what I have done is to accept the PEACE I have in finally KNOWING and remove all doubt. I say "all doubt," because I have allowed this doubt to spread it's little fingers into my work life. I have suddenly found myself proving things, like when I was late to an appointment in meeting my colleagues. While I did not "over explain" (at least I don't think I did) I did feel a compulsion to come back a show people why I was late. I think I will explain this later in a post. Because I actually carried the item in my car for a week to show people why I late. This is specifically due to co-dependence and affects of being married to an addict.

Well, back to the farm. I am learning to disengage. I am not doing this so well all the time. I do well 5 days and then "Bam!" I engage.

Sometimes I leap - and I do mean leap - at the chance to engage. As I write this, I ask myself why do I "leap?"

• It's not because I want to be ugly.

I now know:

• I think I am smart and I am clever. Except, damn it, she smarter and even more clever. And, . . .


• She knows what buttons to push. I must have a lot of buttons.

In the end, after engaging and saying my "piece" to try to "fix" her, nothing is accomplished and I am hurt even further. Not so clever - am I?

I think what I am looking for is this; I want a reaction from my wife. But I want a reaction of; "I am sorry" or "I understand the pain you are going through - and I appreciate your being there for me."

I may as well ask my dog to recite the Gettysburg Address as to get an "I appreciate you."

Any way, I am going with loving detachment. I am going with a scene from Blazing Saddles and with the same impression; "Appreciation? I don't need no stinking appreciation!"

10 Signs of Co-Dependency - How Are We Doing?

I have been studying co-dependency for a little while, and here is my list of ten (10).

Please comment back to add to this list.

1. You find yourself dropping things YOU have to do or want to do, only to do for others. This is a biggie. We do things for others at the expense of the things we want or have to.

2. We find ourselves in the role of a helper, too much, too often. We do things for others, when they should be doing it themselves.

Here's an example we can all relate to:
We are over a friend's house, and she is doing something, and we say, "Here let me help you with that." and soon we begin to take over, the other person "leaves" (they let go of the chore) emotionally or literally. All of a sudden, we find ourselves as "hired help" - except without the money. Worse, someone else gets the compliments for all the work we've done! Ever notice this one?

Or how about this one:
Have you ever been to an event, where the other person is supposed to be doing something and you jump into help? And the person literally "leaves" to do something they want to do - personally - for themselves and you are left "holding the bag?" You see them talking and laughing with others, and you? Where are you? Working your tail off.

3. We find ourselves busy, too busy, doing, doing, doing. We need to examine our "doing" list. What is a "doing" list? It's an inventory of what we have done today. Are there more things on the list we are doing that others should be doing for themselves?

4. We feel guilty - a lot of guilt or a twinge of guilt - if we take time out for ourselves at the expense of supporting others. Or even some guilt for taking time out for our well-being.

A lot of women feel this. It's one of the reasons they don't join support groups, (like Al-Anon) because they can't leave the kids with Grandma or Dad to go do something - because - we feel guilty or we think, we can't ask for help (men have the "Can't ask for help" problem).

5. We been to feel unsatisfied if we are not - busy, busy, busy. We find ourselves cooking, cleaning, picking kids up, volunteering, - to the point of chaos. We hold it "together" - but barely. But if things slow done, we feel guilty (there's that word again) or worse "used less" or . . . "useless."

6. We begin to feel resentful about doing for others, and them not doing the same.

We feel "unappreciated." This is a biggie for me! And it leads to resentment. Look at my resentment!

We feel, bad that we are not "accepted" or "complimented" or someone doesn't say "thank you" or you are "wonderful." We begin to measure ourselves by how people measure us. And this is how we begin to get "hooked" to wanting to be accepted by others through their compliments.

When we expect others and need others to say these things, we are getting some of our self-esteem from them.
What I mean here is; We only feel good about ourselves, when we are thought well of by others. Our value starts coming from others. And we set ourselves up for failure by doing this, because we will never always be perfect in someone else's eye.

Don't get me wrong, we all need to feel good about ourselves. It just needs to be inner directed, not outer dependent. That's why it's called "self-esteem" and not "other-esteem."

7. We feel a sense of worthlessness and anxiety. We feel a little more unsure of ourselves.

We feel anxious if the other person does not need us.

We feel anxious if the other person is doing something, and they are not doing it "right" (which is another way of saying; they are not doing it your way).

Here is a SHIFT in Thinking: The greatest gift we can give to others, especially our children and our qualifier, may be ...... -----> (here it comes ) ...... ----> letting them do it for themselves.

By allowing them to do it for themselves, they learn and start to feel their own self-esteem increase, where they begin to see they are not inept. May be, just may be, we are creating a cycle here. Let people fall every once in a while. (I'm not talking about going out naked in the front yard or jumping off the Grand Canyon.)

Yes, perhaps through our desire to help others, we begin to control, and we may make the other person feel inept. We do this by accident of course. But what if this is true?

What if, in our desire to help, we actually hinder their growth?

8. Do people expect you to do things? To the point, that when you don't, they are "Shocked"?

9. Do we wait to see the other person's mood, and our mood is dependent on their mood? Is our mood going to be adjusted based upon our qualifier's mood? If we are in a good mood, does our mood change when the addict's mood is bad? YIKERS!!!! This is BAD!! It doesn't even have to be our qualifier's mood. We have a friend, he's bummed. We adjust our feelings, so we don't make him feel worse. But, do we feel guilty for finally being happy?

10. Do we find ourselves, hunting for alcohol, looking to see where they hid it? Do we find ourselves, addicted to the other person's addiction?

• In otherwords, do we find our thoughts filled with the words; "What are they doing right now?" when they are gone.
• Do we find the words going through our brain; "Are they out there drinking?" (or doing whatever the addiction is)

Read the above list over again. We may have a co-dependent personality because we worked ourselves into the behavior and over time it has become our "normal." Or we may have seen this cycle of co-dependency in the house and family environment we grew up in.

PS - Helping is not bad. This is not what I am saying. Going to the other extreme of not helping and worrying only about one's self is selfish. But there is a heathly balance. This is why Al-Anon is available and it is for us.