My Resentment - Trying To Overcome

Al-Anon can't fix a trip but can help me reframe and vent. My alcoholic spouse hacks me off because she doesn't think or consider others. This past Saturday afternoon was tough for me. I was hacked off that my wife will be leaving for the lake/mountain to meet her buddies this coming Saturday.

One of my sales people quit this past Friday night. Adding another complexity to this week coming up. He had several appointments and presentations with clients lined up that I was supposed to go to. But because my wife "decided" just to go to the lake the week before, I had to rearrange my work plans to stay home.

My Wife's Trip To The Lake House/Mountains - Unconsulted, Unplanned (Another totally selfish act)
As you may recall, in an earlier blog post I mentioned this, she never consulted my schedule, she just scheduled it. I found out through my daughter that my alcoholic spouse/wife/roommate (that says it right there - roommate) that she decided to go to the lake/mountains with the same girls she would get drunk with.

When I confronted her, my wife, and said, "You just got out of rehab, don't you think this is premature??" She said, "I decided I am going, all my other friends are going." Then I found out ALL her OTHER friends were not going, that others had obligations (like who knows?? staying home because they are too old to party? and now have lives like taking care of their children and being with their families?). She said, also, "I need a vacation." I wanted to say, "YOU NEED A VACATION, from WHAT??? From coordinating the tutors I lined up? From unlocking the door for our house cleaner to come in (no they have a key)?"

Are you friggin' kidding me???

I am staying in this marriage because:
A.) The Luuve I receive? (that's "Love" said with sarcasm)
B.) The appreciation I get?
C.) The help my daughter gets for studying?
D.) The opportunity to pay my wife's bills? (no, not this one, I took her credit cards away that I paid for, and now make her pay her own things)
E.) The opportunity to be able to blog about her?

If you said "E" that is probably the closest answer to accurate or truth I can possibly find. I does provide some material to write up. (that's sarcasm again).

I should give a "F" option. "F" would be the opportunity to spend $130 per hour on a therapist and rant there about this problem. Oh yeah, right, I am reframing that too. I mean not a therapist, I coach, a mentor. A guide through life and help me find the door to float freely across the universe and be happy and sing merry songs of peace. I think I hear the birds of tranquility chirping now. No. Those are the black crows perched on my wife's shoulder making that noise. Again, to be read with sarcasm or facetious.

So, back to this lake get-away thing.

I have these appointments and presentations I need to realign. Not going to be easy. I MAY have to go to a place in the country that is not easy to get to and with the weather as it's been in the past 2 weeks, the delays may keep me from coming home on time so I can be there to meet my daughter coming off the bus or be there to tuck her in Thursday night.

I have to go test my resources, the friends in the neighborhood I have made as potential helpers, just in case I do have to go out of town, they can be there to take my daughter off the bus and maybe feed her.

So it's now 7AM where I am, and my wife will make the usual bread and put a huge amount of butter on the side of a plate for my daughter to eat for her morning breakfast. I have intervened and said "no more" we need to eat fruit, making me the "bad guy" to my daughter and a "control freak" to my wife. I will show you all later what my wife considers "fruit" by the way. She and I had this little argument about fruit roll-ups. She called them fruit.

One More Thing - Making This Problem an "Opportunity"
Oh yeah. One more thing. I am trying to make a "silk purse out of a sow's ear," (I really don't use that saying in real life) but this little excursion beach trip was unplanned, and I was not consulted about whether this fits into my schedule.

So, to make this problem an "opportunity," I have decided to take my daughter some place this weekend. It will not be easy, because I had a couple of personal meetings this weekend that I need to rearrange. But that is easy to change. We are planning to go some place warm - by plane. Maybe - well who knows? I am reframing this "issue" with my wife, who didn't ask about whether it was convenient for us or me or my work or my daughter or anyone else. I could use this as another opportunity to be close with my daughter and do a little bonding and just go have fun.

For those of you in Al-Anon or in a predicament like this (an alcoholic spouse) who do not have children, Al-Anon boundary setting, and detachment doesn't work like you or someone without children can understand. It really complicates things. "Let go and Let God" is not always the answer, however, I have learned that quotes like this are often misapplied. I am rambling here, but there is a point. If you are in a relationship with an alcoholic and you are thinking of having children, far be it from me to tell you what to do, for I have the most beautiful daughter in the world and I would give ANYTHING for her, but if you are thinking of having children, and that this might "fix" your spouse, you are really complicating your issue by 10 times (10X). Because it's no longer just about you. You can set boundaries and walk away. But with a child, if you are aware of what is happening, you start to see things occuring that affect them and you have to begin protecting this little innocent creature who is now subject to mental abuse, that is often, very subtle. [Did I just write that? Yes I did. "Mental abuse that is often very subtle." And those of you who have children and are married to an alcoholic know what I mean, don't you? I did write that. I am typing very slowly now, verrrry slowly. I think I just realized something that my brain is saying to me that I keep fighting.]